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Quote In Response to Elliot Rodger

Elliot Rodger. Credit: http://media.independent.com

Apparently, Elliot Rodger (that 22-year-old who went on the killing spree) was a failed pickup artist. He posted on PUAHate. In fact, I’ve heard PUAHate has been shut down because he was posting about taking revenge on women, and guys were cheering him on.

To a certain extent, I can empathize with Elliot. I’ve gotten rejected by women a lot. I’ve felt like an outsider and alone. It feels rotten.

But here’s the big question. What would prevent you and I from becoming an Elliot?

I think it has to do with a huge lesson I learned from Mystery and Neil Strauss. If something goes wrong in an interaction with a woman, it’s never the woman’s fault. It’s always our fault. It’s not that the girl is a bitch or a snob or a slut. She just responds to our skill level. Improve your skill level, watch your success rate improve.

Isn’t that what Jesus taught? Everyone was about to stone that woman for cheating on her husband. He asked them to look at themselves and see their own sin before condemning the sin in others.

Ultimately, that’s what pickup is about. It’s less about “getting” women (although attracting women is awesome). It’s more about looking at yourself in the process to become a better man.

Well, how do you improve your skill level, you ask? Lemme share this quote:

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Elliot may have given up, then blamed the outside world for his failures, rather than looking to himself. I can understand his hurt. But blaming seems to blind us, while looking to ourselves wakes us. That’s the big lesson I’m taking from this terrible tragedy.

 
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Posted by on May 28, 2014 in Home, Inner, Quotes

 

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Video: Neil Strauss and Mystery

I wanted to share the first hour and a half of this video with you (it’s two hours total). It’s the eighth DVD of a series Neil Strauss put out called “The Annihilation Method.” Neil’s goal was to divulge everything about the game in it.

The first hour of this video is mostly Mystery speaking. The half hour after that is Mystery and Neil Strauss talking about phone game. The last half hour is Steve P and Hypnotica, and in my opinion not as good.

Yes, I know the section I’d like you to check out is an hour and a half. But there are so many solid fundamentals it’s totally worth it. Mystery covers attraction, dealing with Last Minute Resistance, phone game, and other invaluable nuggets of gold. Great review. I learned a ton. Check it out:

 
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Posted by on March 4, 2014 in Home, Videos

 

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Opening DOs and DON’Ts

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Let’s talk about approaching women.

I’m not gonna lie. It’s hard. People are cynical of strangers striking up a friendly conversation with them. You could be the coolest guy in the world, but people (and women especially) assume the worst about you. And resist you.

You’re guilty before proven innocent.

But if you can slide this ENORMOUSLY heavy obstacle of the way… which you absolutely can… a lot of the pickup afterwards is cake.

Oh, and I wanna give credit where credit is due. Almost everything I’m about to share with you I learned from Mystery. And it’s highly effective.

Women are very rarely found alone. So, when you see a woman of particular beauty, a lot of times, we’ve got to approach her with a group of people around her. Get used to it. It’s just one of the facts of life.

I’ll tell you how NOT to approach.

“Excuse me, do you know what time it is?”

“Yeah, it’s 10:30.”

“Cool, thanks. So, where are you from?”

Now you’re trying to RE-ENGAGE her in conversation. And you’ve just revealed the fact that asking her for the time was in fact a farce. Every man should know by now that asking for the time leads to a dead end street.

“Excuse me. I’m sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if it would be okay if I asked you a question.”

That’s the vagrance opener.

DON’T excuse yourself.

DON’T tell them you already think of yourself as a bother.

And DON’T ask in order to ask.

Just go off into it.

Instead of opening with “Excuse me” say “Hey guys…”

By the way, there’s enormous power in the word “Hey.” Start your opener with that word. It gets attention in a fun way.

Also, DON’T just talk to the prettiest woman in the group. If you speak directly to her, you’ll alienate all her friends.

approaching people in bar 5

Instead, make eye contact with every person in the group. That’s how you keep their attention. If you give your attention to only one person, people get bored and start looking elsewhere.

Not only that, if you give all your attention to the prettiest woman her friends presume just by the fact that she’s beautiful and you’re a man that you’re after her. Their instinct will immediately be to protect her and eject you from the group.

You’ve got to immediately disqualify yourself from being considered a potential suitor. You’ve got to convey, “Look, I’m not after her. I’m just a social, friendly guy who enjoys meeting new people.” If you’re in a public gathering like a bar or lounge, it’s expected to be social and meet new people.

How do you convey all this?

Talk to everyone in the group EXCEPT the target. In fact, ignore her. When you do say something to her throw a neg or banter line at her. “I can already tell, this one is trouble.”

Okay, fine. But WHAT do you say to the group of people?

Skip all the polite formalities and dive straight into a story. Or start bantering. I prefer to start off with banter because it’s more interactive.

But let’s say you’re gonna stick with a story, what kind of story do you tell?

A funny one is great. A classic example is Mystery’s “Girl Fight” story. You can check that one out here. Begin with a question that hooks your audience. “Did you see the girl fight outside?” Then dive right into it. Also, check in with the group during the story with questions like “Isn’t that crazy?” or “Know what I mean?” to keep it interactive and make sure they’re with you still.

Have at least three stories ready to rock and roll each 15 seconds. But don’t finish them. Leave each story open so if you ever come to an awkward pause you can say “Where was I? Oh yeah…” and continue a previously opened thread.

Onward.

DON’T speak softly, quietly, mumble, or speak in a monotone voice. No one will hear a word you’re saying. And the group will shut you out.

Instead, speak loudly and slowly. You’ll appear confident and they’ll hear everything you say. Also, speak expressively and enthusiastically. They’ll feel it. Feel whatever you’re saying and express it. THAT’S engaging.

DON’T have a stone cold expression on your face.

If you were to turn to a person who’s approached you and he has that kind of hard, mean expression on your face, how would you respond? Defensive, right?

Now imagine you’re a woman and you’re being approached by a MAN who’s bigger and stronger than you with that cold expression. That’s a woman’s experience. Scary.

So, SMILE on the approach. It’s warm. It’s a ray of sunshine. Which melts ice away.

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Obviously, you don’t have to keep the stupid smile on your face. You’ll look cheesy. People will get the overwhelming feeling that you’re keeping shit from them. So, relax the smile after a few seconds.

DON’T lean in to the pretty girl. This telegraphs your interest. Plus she’ll start backing away from you. Counter-productive.

Instead, lean back. Make HER chase YOU.

In fact, when you open, open as if you’re walking past them. Let them know through your body language that you’re not going to stay there forever and ever. You’re on your way out.

DO throw in a false constraint. “I can only stay a second, my friends are here.” Word of warning. Never say “I can only stay a minute.” Guys will go “60, 59, 58…” just to screw with you.

DO have a “root,” or a reason why you’re talking to them. I got this concept from Neil Strauss and it’s huge. The group won’t be able to hear a word of what you’re saying until they know what it is you want from them. Your reason for talking to them?

If you deliver a direct opener, it’s because this girl caught your eye and you wanted to meet her.

If you deliver an indirect opener, it’s because you’re meeting new people. Or, if it’s an opinion opener, you want to get a female opinion. Then you’re leaving. But you can always say “Before I leave…” to keep yourself in there.

DO deliver a banter line within your first two sentences. MOST IMPORTANT! Laughter breaks the ice. And you don’t even need a story or a root or a false constraint. It disqualifies yourself as a potential suitor automatically yet creates sexual tension with her and gives value to the group instantly.

DO initiale kino right away. Tap an arm before you deliver a banter line. You’re a friendly person who has a lot of love to give. Strangers don’t touch. Friends do.

WHOOOOOA! That’s a lot of stuff. I know, I know. But it’s like driving a car. At first, there’s a lot of stuff to remember. But do it enough, it becomes a natural.

Here’s what you can do right now to make sure you approach in a way that melts the ice.

OPTION A, Beginning with a story/routine:

Step #1: Pick a root, a false time constraint, neg, and 3 brief (15-second) routines.

Step #2: Practice your delivery in the mirror. Make sure you smile, you’re expressive, open over the shoulder, and initiate kino. Practice interrupting your routine by opening another. I gave a word-for-word example of “multiple-threading” in my post: “DHV to the Group, NOT the Target.” Practice this at least 5x.

Step #3: Execute in field at least 5x. Each time you finish ask: “So, how do you know each other?” Then say “Pleasure meeting you.” If the conversation is going well, keep going. Don’t worry about getting a phone number, unless it genuinely comes up.

OPTION B, Beginning with Banter:

Step #1: Pick a Banter line

Step #2: Practice your delivery in the mirror. Make sure you smile, you’re expressive, open over the shoulder, and initiate kino. Practice this at least 5x.

Step #3: Execute in field at least 5x. Each time you finish, you can introduce yourself and ask: “So, how do you know each other?” Then say “Pleasure meeting you.” If the conversation is going well, keep going. No need to get a phone number, if you don’t want. You’re just practicing opening.

To simplify it even more, when you approach just give em “feeling good.” And if you practice, just that whole process, will change your life. It did for me. It will for you.

approaching People-at-bar

 
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Posted by on December 6, 2012 in A1 Opening, Home

 

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DHV The Group, NOT The Target

Get in the driver’s seat and take the WHOLE group for a fun ride.

I was re-reading parts of The Game, and I had a revelation. When you DHV, don’t DHV to the target. DHV to the guys and to the ugly girls. The target? Ignore her.

Here’s the idea behind this…

Beautiful Women Aren’t Different From Anyone Else

“10”

Let’s talk about beautiful women for a sec. I’m talking about the most UNUSUALLY beautiful women. The 9’s and 10’s. The ones you don’t see everyday, and when you do see one you lose the ability to remember your name.

These women are so outstandingly beautiful that a lot of us guys think we have to treat them differently. We’re either too afraid to talk to them, and just stand by the sidelines and stare… Or we give her all sorts of compliments and buy her drinks and dinner.

As you know and I know, that ain’t gonna work to attract them.

When dealing with these freaks of nature, the thing to keep in mind is… they’re used to getting lots of attention, just because of their physical appearance. They’re used to being treated special because of their physical beauty, and not appreciated for their inner qualities.

On the one hand, it’s lonely being beautiful. No one sees her for who she is. Her beauty creates distance from everyone else.

On the other hand, she also wants to be UNUSUALLY beautiful, and she wants you to know it.

Look at the hours and dollars she spends making herself with makeup, getting her skin soft, smelling good, getting her hair done, choosing just the right outfit, buying the right shoes, obsessing about her weight, removing hair in weird places, even in some cases getting plastic surgery.

Girls spend a lot of time and money looking beautiful

And acting the part of someone with an air of untouchable beauty.

Beauty gives women power. Why? Because their beauty makes a lot of us guys give our “power” away to them.

She wants to be the most beautiful woman in the room, and when we approach her, she wants to reject us. It makes her feel important.

So, the idea is to do the opposite of putting her on a pedestal. You CHALLENGE her.

In the case of Mystery’s  Method, when you approach a group of people that has that INCREDIBLY beautiful woman in it… remember, women are rarely found alone… that means you actually pay attention to everyone else in the group, but her. And if she says anything TEASE her.

The message is: “You’re not getting special treatment from me just because you’re beautiful. You’re a human being just like the rest of us. ”

This creates a HUGE challenge. I mean for her, most guys are just this blur of compliments, sexual predatoriness, or approval-seeking. So when she find a guy who treats her like a human being just like everyone else, he STANDS OUT. He’s the type of a guy she doesn’t come across everyday. She does a double take. She’s attracted.

The Basic Format To All Approaches, By Mystery

Mystery smiling large

So, let me share with you the passage that gave me this revelation. It’s a handout Mystery used to hand out to his workshops. You can see it on page 35 of The Game. It’s his basic format to his all his approaches.

1. Smile when you walk into a room. See the group with the target and follow the three-second rule. Do not hesitate–approach instantly.

2. Recite a memorized opener, if not two or three in a row.

3. The opener should open the group, not just the target. When talking, ignore the target for the most part. If there are men in the group, focus your attention on the men.

4. Neg the target with one of the slew of negs we’ve come up with. Tell her, “It’s so cute. Your nose wiggles when you laugh.” Then get her friends to notice and laugh about it.

5. Convey personality to the entire group. Do this by using stories, magic, anecdotes, and humor. Pay particular attention to the men and the less attractive women. During this time, the target will notice that you are the center of attention. You may perform various memorized pieces like the photo routine, but only for the obstacles.

6. Neg the target, if appropriate. If she wants to look at the pictures, for example, say “Oh my god, she’s so grabby. How do you roll with her?”

7. Ask the group, “So, how does everyone know each other?” If the target is with one of the guys, find out how long they’ve been together.

8a. If it’s a serious relationship, eject politely by saying, “Pleasure meeting you.”

8b. If she is not spoken for, say to the group, “I’ve sort of been alienating your friend. Is it all right if I speak to her for a couple of minutes?” They always say, “Uh, sure. If it’s okay with her.” If you’ve executed the preceding steps correctly, she will agree.

9. Isolate her from the group by telling her you want to show her something cool. Take her to sit with you nearby. As you lead her through the crowd, do a kino test by holding her hand. If she squeezes back, it’s on. Start looking for other IOIs.

10. Sit with her and perform a rune reading, an ESP test, or any other demonstration that will fascinate and intrigue her.

11. Tell her, “Beauty is common but what’s rare is a great energy and outlook on life. Tell me, what do you have inside that would make me want to know you as more than a mere face in the crowd?” If she begins to list qualities, this is a positive IOI.

12. Stop talking. Does she reinitiate the chat with a question that begins with the word “So?” If she does, then you’ve now seen three IOIs and can…

13. Kiss close. Say, out of the blue, “Would you like to kiss me?” If the setting or circumstances aren’t conducive to physical intimacy, then give yourself a time constraint by saying, “I have to go, but we should continue this.” Then get her number and leave.

Mystery’s negs. From page 35 of “The Game,” by Neil Strauss

Sample Script (Mystery)

You can find all routines here “My Routines Collection.”

1. Smile when you enter the room. Open within 3 seconds.

2. Hey did you see the fight outside? (Girl Fight Story)

3. That’s so cute. Your nose wiggles when you laugh.

4. Multiple thread The Hollywood Sign Story, ESP, and a qualifier to different people:

“Do you have a good imagination? You do? I want you to think of a number from 1 – 4. We’re starting small, that’s why we’re starting with you. That’s right, I said it! Do you have it in your mind? Don’t say it, just think it. The first number that pops into your head. Got it?

“I’m curious about something before we get to that. Is there more to you than meet the eye? I mean, don’t get a big head. There’s a lot of beautiful people around us, right? Beauty is very common. Would you not agree? You know what’s really rare?

“Are you thinking of that number? Focusing? 3. Nice! (or, if incorrect “And that’s why ESP is bullshit.”) Let’s up the stakes (or let’s try it again). Pick a number this time from 1 -10. You got it? Nice.

“Oh, by the way, have you ever been to the Hollywood sign? (You can create your own variation of this story based on something similar to the Hollywood sign in your hometown. For example, everywhere there’s a place where you get away from it all to look at the stars.) Have you ever gone to the base of it? Have you climbed up to it? Well, I went with a lovely girl (preselection switch) at the time and went up to the sign. It takes a good 40 minutes and you have to climb a fence. Next time  you go, bring good shoes that will get you up there with no problem. Because you don’t want to get up there with leather shoes like I did, like a moron. That was my learning experience. But when you’re up there you can see all of Hollywood in one eye shot and it really gives you the clarity that anything is possible if you dream. Then you see it all in one eye shot. It’s inspiring.

“You got that number in your mind? 7. Nice. See, what’s really rare is a great outlook and a great personality, a great energy. That’s rare. You’ve got 2 out of 3. That’s a great start.”

5. So, how does everyone know each other?

6a. Pleasure meeting you.

OR

6b. I’ve sort of been alienating your friend. Is it all right if I speak to her for a couple of minutes?

7. I want to show you something cool.

8. Kino hand-squeeze test as you lead her through crowd.

9. Have you ever done of The Cube? (The Cube)

10. Stop talking… she reinitiates the conversation.

11. Would you like to kiss me?

12. I have to go, we should continue this. Get her number. (OR Bounce her: Let’s get back to your friends. There’s a great place across the street. We should go with you and your friends.)

Sample Script (Style)

1. Smile when you enter the room. Open within 3 seconds

2. Hey, let me get your take on something. I’ve only got a sec but… (Jealous Girlfriend)

3. Wow, you guys are like from the View. This one I can tell we would NOT get along.

4. Multiple thread Ring Routine, The Best Friend Test, C & U Smiles:

“I have to ask before I run. Do you always wear a ring on that finger? The reason I’m asking is the finger a person chooses to put a ring on says something about their personality. The fact you wear a ring on that finger says something fascinating about you. Let me see your hand. Back in ancient Greece, each mound represented a different god. And a person back then would put a ring on the associated finger to honor that god.

“Oh my God, hold on a sec. How long have you known each other? See I knew that! Well, for one, you have the same exact smile. And for two, well, I’ll just give you the Best Friend Test. Ready? Do you use the same shampoo? (They look at each other first) You don’t even have to answer, you already passed.  You looked at each other before even answering the question. You just did it again. And again. See, if you weren’t close, you’d keep eye contact with me. But when two people have a connection, they make eye contact first, even over something as mundane as shampoo. Nice.

“Okay, so the rings. Very interesting what it says about each of you. The thumb represented Hades, the god of the underworld. He was one of the few gods that lived separate from Mount Olympus, just like the thumb is separate from the other fingers. So, someone who wears a ring on this finger is independent and doesn’t like to follow other people’s trends. Instead, they like to make their own.

“The index finger was Zeus, and he was the king of the gods. And just like when a mother is scolding their daughter (act this out), someone who wears a ring on this finger has an inclination to take charge.

“The middle finger was Dionysus, the god of wine and partying and having a great time. And just like this finger represents something that’s not G-rated, someone who wears a ring on this finger has a little bit of a wild side. So, watch out for her. She’s trouble.

“Haha. Smile for me again? You have a U Smile! That’s awesome. Well there’s U smiles and C smiles. The U Smile is when you smile and your teeth go straight back into your mouth like a horse. And the C Smile is when you smile and all you see is a row of pearly whites in the front. If you ever look on the cover of like Cosmo or Glamour, the girl always has a C Smile. You have a U smile, but don’t worry, I still think you’re hot… in that short school bus sort of way. *smile*

“So, the ring finger is one of the coolest. This was Aphrodite, the goddess of love. And you can look this up, it’s true. This finger is the only one that has a vein that goes straight to your heart without branching off. (demo line going from finger to her heart). So anyone who wears a ring on this finger is actually making a direct connection with their heart. That’s why to this day we’ll wear our wedding ring on this finger.

“Finally, the pinky finger was Ares, the god of war. And you’ll notice a lot of mobsters will wear their ring on this finger. Someone who wears a ring on this finger has some inner turmoil or conflict within. They like to fight. And if you had given someone a pinky ring back then it mean ‘fuck you’ or ‘go to hell.’

“And for someone who doesn’t wear rings, like me that meant you were aligned with Hermes. He was one of the most mischievous of the gods. And he was the one that flew from Mount Olympus to earth. So, someone who doesn’t wear rings is open-minded, loves to travel, likes to be helpful, but has a little bit of a mischievous side. And that’s definitely me. But your personality is… Any truth to that? Pretty cool, right? You guys are awesome.”

5. So, how do you all know each other?

6a. Pleasure meeting you.

OR

6b. I’ve sort of been alienating your friend. Is it all right if I speak to her for a couple of minutes?

7. I want to show you something cool. Have you ever done the Cube? (You could also do EV or Secret Self here too)

8. Beauty is common.

9. Stop talking.

10. Evolution Phase Shift Routine.

11. I have to go, but we should continue this… or bounce her and her friends

Sample Script (Brad P)

1. Smile when you enter the room. Open within 3 seconds.

2. You look familiar. Do you like horses? (Tell the story to the whole group)

3. Do you mind if I talk to your friend for a sec?

4. Have you ever had your palm read? (Brad P’s Palm Reading)

5. Beauty is common…

6. Stop talking

7. On a scale of 1 – 10, how good of a kisser are you?

8. I have to go, but we should continue this… or bounce her

Sample Script (My own)

1. Smile when you enter the room. Open within 3 seconds.

2. I have this rule that whenever I see someone attractive I have to at least say hi.

3. Quit looking at my chest my eyes are up here.

4. You guys seem really cool. My passion in life is writing. Are you passionate? What’s something you guys enjoy doing?

6. I’m making her my new girlfriend. We’re gonna fly to Vegas tomorrow and get married. You can be Catwoman, and I’ll be Batman. It’ll be awesome.

7. Do you mind if I talk to her for a sec?

8. I want to show you something really cool. Someone just did this with me recently. It’s a great, quick way to get to know someone. In fact, a lot of people don’t even know this about themselves. (Use her answer about passion as a springboard to Style’s EV)

9. Beauty is common…

10. Stop talking.

11. Brush hair out of face, and kiss.

12. We should continue this, and get her number… or bounce her.

Conclusion

Next time you go out, try out any of the scripts I’ve given you that’s most aligned with your personality.

When you deliver the DHV, make sure to do it to the ones you’re NOT interested in. Make eye contact with EVERYONE. Your target? Neg her. This allows you to convey your personality and win over her friends. And with the target, the negs/banter/cocky-funny lines create sexual tension and show her you’re that rare man that’s interested more in a woman’s inner beauty than her superficial, external shell.

Very nice.

DHV to the whole group, not to the target.

 
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Posted by on November 18, 2012 in A2 Attract Her, Home

 

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“Six Characteristics of an Alpha Male,” By Mystery

1. “The number one characteristic of an alpha male is the smile. Smile when you enter a room. As soon as you walk in a club, the game is on. And by smiling, you look like you’re together, you’re fun, and you’re somebody.

2. “Be well-groomed.”

Shower. Soap yourself at least three times to smell really clean. Brush your teeth. Make sure your breath smells good. Carry gum if you have to. Put on a great smelling deodorant. If you’re going to put on cologne, make sure it’s just a DAB. Have your fashion together: wear at least one interesting item of clothing. If you look average, you’re going to get average girls. Alpha males don’t blend in, they stand out. At the very least, dress the best you can.

3. “Possess a sense of humor.”

See my post “Flirting” for more info on this. Banter, cocky-funny, and negs are all great techniques to make women laugh in an attractive way.

4. “Connect with people.”

Don’t do all the talking. Listen. That means get where a person is coming from. Put yourself in their shoes. Also, at bottom, every person wants to feel important. Don’t knock people down. Make people feel important.

5. “Be the social center of a room.”

See my post “The Key To Picking Up Chicks Is Not Picking Them Up” for more on this. Mystery is famous for saying “there are the observers and the observed. Be the observed.” The three second rule isn’t just opening the first attractive women you see. It means opening the first people you see period. Talk to everyone, even if it’s a simple “How’s your night going?” Bartenders, Bouncers, ugly girls, guys. Be the social center of a room.

6. “Confidence.”

Confidence comes from competence. You’re the prize. You’re the selector. Not her. If you don’t know this about yourself yet, fake it till you make. Dwell on your positive attributes and your accomplishments (not your drawbacks and failures). Keep telling yourself you’re the catch and she’s lucky talking with you. That belief translates into confidence. And women will smell it off you like cologne.

You can find these six characteristics in “The Game” by Neil Strauss (page 21-22).

For now, practice smiling when you enter a room. When you’re walking down the street, give a smile to at least three people. And next time you’re at a register, ask the cashier “how’s your day going?” or try out a banter line on her. You’ll be on your way to developing confidence, and the characteristics of an alpha male.

 
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Posted by on November 11, 2012 in Home, Inner, M3 Model

 

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“How to Breakup” by Neil Strauss


Here’s an article Neil Strauss wrote. It’s from his website www.neilstrauss.com. Through his experience he found there’s one, and only one, way to breakup. It’s so excellent I posted it verbatim below. He wrote it July 1, 2011:

How to Breakup

A few weeks ago, in the Comments section, I promised to write a full post on how to break up with a girlfriend or boyfriend.

After learning The Game, I became great at getting into relationships. But I never learned how to get out of them. As a result, I ended up spending as long trying to get out of some relationships as I actually spent in them. A few of these situations became ugly: I remember a cast member of The Pick-Up Artist driving me to an ex-girlfriend’s house who was drunk, had a gun in her hand, and was threatening to kill herself.

So, through trial and error—mostly error—I came to learn that there is one, and only one, way to break up. This doesn’t mean that there will be no tears and no pain, but it does guarantee there will be less than any other method.

Step One

Be Decisive: A lot of people are wishy-washy about ending a relationship. They think they want to break up, then as soon as there’s a little distance or drama or a bad date, they panic, worry that they made a mistake, and get back together again. This can drag on for months, sometimes years. So, first, make sure this is something you really want to do, that this really is the wrong person or relationship for you or that this person is psychologically incapable of having a healthy relationship.

Step Two

Communicate Directly and In Person: Next, sit down with them in person. I advise listing their good qualities first to them, not because you need to build up their self-esteem, but because they’re probably going to know what’s coming after you say the word “but” and this gives them a little time to prepare themselves emotionally. Even if it isn’t a shock to them—in fact, even if it’s something they want too–the human ego is such that being the person who breaks up is much easier than being the one broken up with. (At least initially, but more on that later.) Afterward, answer any and all questions as gently and honestly as possible. It’s okay if you shed some tears yourself in the process. This next point applies to a specific few of you, but, no, you are not allowed to have sex “one last time” after breaking up.

Step Three

Give A Grace Period: Tell your now-ex that you can’t see each other after today, but you will be available by phone or text any time he or she wants to call, to ask questions, or even to yell at you for the next week or two weeks. If you are living with the person, then obviously you will have to also allow a week or two for you or them to move out or find a new place. If one of you can avoid the house during this process, this is preferable. Either way, in this period, don’t be an asshole and start going on dates. You’ve waited this long; you can wait another week or two.

Step Four

End Communication: Explain also in your initial discussion that after the two-week grace period ends, then a no-contact rule will go into effect until you both have fully let go. Tell them that if they call or text after that, as hard as it’s going to be for you, you’re not going to respond so that you can allow yourself and her to move on. Remember that every time you communicate with an ex in the throes of a breakup, it resets the clock on their (and often your) recovery time.

Step Five

Stick To It: This is the most difficult part of the whole process. Often, even if you want them to leave, as soon as they actually move on—not just leave, but stop having strong feelings for you—most people experience the pain and separation anxiety of the loss. This is when many people get weak, start to obsess about the person they broke up with, and try to win them back. (Men tend to do this more than women—my pet theory is that it equates in the subconscious to the fear of losing one’s mother’s love as a child). Some people like to repeat the words of the Sting song in their head: “If you love someone, set them free.”

In addition, not only are you not allowed to have direct communication at this stage, but passive contact is also forbidden. This means, no checking their Facebook and Twitter feeds or profiles. It’s always best that neither of you knows what the other is doing: don’t be an emotional masochist.

Step Six

Be Aware of the Process: According to the Kubler-Ross model of grief, expect the person to go through the following stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. For most people, the bargaining phase is the most difficult to not give in to: often, the other person will invent some highly plausible pretext (something they left at your house, important work advice they need, etc.) to talk to you again. Stay steadfast, and if it’s something they absolutely need or can’t figure out without you, determine a way for them to get it that doesn’t involve either of you speaking or seeing each other.

Step Seven

Move On: First of all, not everyone is capable or wants to be friends with their ex’s. But when is it right to get back in contact with an ex if you do want to be friends with them? There are different theories on this: some say when you’re both in a new relationship, others say it takes half the time you dated someone to get over them. But the right time is simply when you stop thinking about when the right time is to get in contact with them—and so do they. The right time is when neither of you has anything you need, want, or expect emotionally from the other person. Then, for the first time, when a real friendship develops, you can both honestly accept and express your responsibility for what went wrong in the relationship, rather than blaming the other person.

– Neil Strauss

 
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Posted by on September 11, 2012 in Breaking Up, Home

 

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