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The Renaissance Man

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WARNING:

This isn’t about techniques, but inner-game. It’s about developing the Renaissance Man within. It’s a longer post, but I promise this idea will be worth it.

‘Cause you could have all the game in the world, but if you’ve got nothing to back it up, you’re gonna come off as shallow, having no substance… hello turn-off.

Yes, cultivating the Renaissance Man within isn’t exactly “active” game. But your SUB-COMMUNICATION will be waaaay better. You know, what you “say” in between the lines. The tiny unthinking, subconscious things you say and do, like body language, your reservoir of stories and conversation topics, confidence.

Oh hell yeah, confidence. I’d say a guy becomes a man of high-value FOR REAL by cultivating his inner Renaissance Man. I mean, he’s realizing his potential, choosing the “high” road over and over, how could he not? That’s a HUGE source of confidence.

Then of course there’s the fact that as a Renaissance Man you keep your woman attracted in the long-term, rather than merely attracting her in the short-term.

Actually, I’d say that’s the biggest benefit of becoming a Renaissance Man. Better than helping you “get” women, it’s good in itself. It’s good in itself to become a more excellent, well-rounded man.

So I know this post isn’t exactly how to “game” women. But without a solid foundation to build a house on, the house’ll crumble no matter how pretty it looks from the outside.

Shit, I love what I’m about to share with you. This idea inspires me to no end. I mean I named my pen-name after the idea for God’s sakes. I hope it’ll inspire you, too.

Okay, here’s the basic idea behind this post: let’s not let the ideal of the Renaissance Man die.

Every guy’s got a Renaissance Man inside them.

You’ve got one, I’ve got one. So why not let that beast out to play? Especially since it’ll make us into naturally attractive guys.

Emphasis on “naturally.”

I mean, look, learning how to pickup chicks and how to cold-approach and how to attract women kicks ass. I love it. Shit-load of fun. And not to mention, all-important skill that can apply to life outside of pickup.

But it’s ONE skill. There’re others. So, if we only focus on that one skill, don’t you think that kinda limits us? Stunts us from becoming all that we could be?

Like, what if our life became about picking up women and nothing else? Then what? What would our conversations be like? What would our relationships be like? How interesting would we be as human beings?

Whoa, that was a lot of questions. But here’s my point.

Yes. Having no life outside of pickup stunts our full potential as human beings.

But a man who also spends time building a life outside of women becomes a fuller human being. You’ll be like: Screw needing women to validate me. Or having to wear a “pickup” mask. Or fearing there’s nothing behind my pickup mask.

You’ll be the man who’s a “10” on the inside. That kind of guy attracts “10’s,” and KEEPS ’em keep coming back for more… ‘Cause he’s a “10” himself.

How cool is that?

Now, what better way to cultivate a life outside of pickup and become that “10” than cultivating ALL our gifts? Than becoming a Renaissance Man?

Okay, okay, okay. I get your point already. What the hell IS a Renaissance Man anyway?

Great question.

According Baldessare Castiglione…

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Baldessare Castiglione (1478 – 1529) Italian courtier, diplomat, soldier, writer. He was famous defining what the Renaissance Man is in his book “The Courtier.”

 

in his book, “Courtier” every Renaissance Man has six characteristics in common. He’s a:

1. Gentleman:

He’s got social intelligence (and perhaps seduction skills…)

2. Citizen:

He CONTRIBUTES to (and participates in) society.

3. Scholar:

He explores existence, learns, grows in awareness.

4. Artist:

He’s got a craft in something and does it with care, imagination, creativity, even play.

5. Warrior:

He takes care of his body and health, he’s strong and assertive, he’s equanimous and honest.

6. Christian:

Castiglione was writing during the Renaissance when everyone was a Christian. Doesn’t mean you have to be a Christian per se, but to have some kind of spiritual life. In other words, a Renaissance Man does things for “the greater glory of God and the salvation of man” (the Jesuit motto). Put another way, he works to puts aside ego to love.

My favorite part?

ALL of us have the ability to be this. It’s not a few are born to be Renaissance Men. Being a Renaissance Man is the lot of being human. It IS being a human being. A FULL human being.

But unfortunately, our culture tends to specialize. So it seems strange that you could be a nerd AND a jock. Or an artist AND a scientist. Or a Christian AND a warrior. It’s like in our culture we think “you’ve got to be one or the other.”

Not according to this ideal.

According to the Renaissance Man ideal, we can do it all. And there are plenty of people that have proved it’s possible.

Check out some of these examples so you KNOW it’s possible for you:

  • Dolph Lungren:

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black belt, weight-lifter. He speaks Swedish, English, German, French, Italian, Spanish. Studied chemical engineering, and economics. Professional actor (see ‘Rocky IV’), founding member of a New York theater company and a production company, he’s directed six films, and apparently can sing.

  • Viggo Mortensen:

Viggo Mortensen

Actor (see Lord of the Rings), singer, composer, professional photographer and abstract painter–whose work gets featured in actual art galleries. A poet and a general badass.

  • Noam Chomsky:

Noam Chomsky

Philosopher and cognitive scientist. His work has influenced psychology, and he literally invented modern linguistics.

  • Douglas Hofstadter:

Douglas Hofstadter photo

professor of cognitive science, artist, calligrapher, composer, programmer, and physicist. He’s also fluent in three languages, and he’s studied eight others.

  • Ben Franklin:

Ben Franklin

SCHOLAR – Made important discoveries in electricity, invented the “Franklin Stove,” discovered three methods of cooling, introduced several crops to the U.S., invented bifocal glasses, studied several languages, designed a phonetic alphabet, mapped the Gulf Stream and Routes for the post office, traveled extensively in U.S. and Europe, involved in founding of two colleges (University of Pennsylvania and Columbia University).

CITIZEN – Founded first U.S. Hospital, first circulating library, first fire department, first police department, first insurance company, founded street lighting, paving and cleaning, started American Philosophical Society, started Society to Abolish Slavery, started “Leather Apron Club” Union, first postmaster, originated matching contributions idea, crafted well-known maxims on thrift, business-owner, “Patron Saint of Printing,” held government positions such as governor, Ambassador to England, Minister to France, helped found the United States, Philanthropist, organized fund raising and contributed to many worthwhile causes.

GENTLEMAN – Known to be a ladies’ man, known for his great sense of humor, known for his diplomacy and social skills.

ARTIST – Wrote for several early newspapers, considered U.S.’s first writer of humor, drew first cartoon in an American newspaper, founded “Poors Richard’s Almanack,” invented musical instrument – glass armonica, designed “sea anchors”

RELIGION – Introduced idea of prayer in Congress

WARRIOR – Colonel in Militia

  • Leonardo da Vinci:

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artist, architect, inventor, scientist, poet, amateur musician.

  • Socrates:

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was said to demonstrate the most courage on the battlefield during the Peloponnesian War, one of history’s greatest philosophers, humble stone mason/sculptor, active citizen in Athenian democracy, known for his gentlemanly sense of ethics, duty, sense of humor, wit, social skills.

“But hold on,” I hear someone saying. “If I follow this Renaissance Man ideal, won’t I just become a jack-of-all-trades but master of none?”

Here’s what I think we can learn from the examples above.

Yes, each of these Renaissance Men often had a focus. For example, Da Vinci focused on painting. Socrates focused on philosophy. Franklin seemed to focus on being a citizen. But that didn’t mean they couldn’t also be poets, musicians, scholars, and so forth as well.

To think otherwise is limited thinking. It’s to defeat one’s self before even beginning.

In fact, when I say “Renaissance Man,” I don’t mean just being multi-talented. I mean being a COMPLETE human being:

Being a scholar (learning and developing), a citizen (contributing and participating), a gentleman (social skills), a warrior (healthy body and assertiveness skills), an artist (using a skill that helps us imagine) and “Christian” or spiritual person (serving a higher power and living an ethical life) are just different facets of being human.

In fact, Plato had this PHENOMENAL idea that “education is recollection.”

We’re NOT born blank slates. We DON’T begin life knowing nothing. It’s NOT that a teacher fills us with knowledge.

Rather, we’re born with the answers within from birth. It’s just the teacher’s job to help us remember. According to Plato, we can learn math because we already have the ability to learn mathematics within.

If that’s true, you can take that a step further.

The reason ANY of us can learn music, art, science, ethics, or whatever, is because we already have the capacity to do it. We just have to remove the plank from our eyes and remember how. The Renaissance Man is within all of us. It’s prewired within us already. It’s what it means to be human.

That’s how I understand the Renaissance Man. Developing the WHOLE human person, not just a part.

I hope we haven’t become so specialized as a culture that we think this is impossible. If so, we’re in danger of creating a self-fulfilling prophesy where we’d be walking around as one-dimensional men.

To show specialization is not the only way of thinking, look at the ancient Greeks. They were the ones behind this Renaissance Man ideal after all. In fact, historians named the Renaissance era with the French word for “rebirth” because this was the age where persons were rediscovering the Greeks and their value of plural excellence. Rebirth of the Greek ideal.

This ideal wasn’t a big issue for the ancient Greeks as it is for us moderns.

Few Greek were specialists (like us). Instead, they were about plural excellence. That’s why so many Greeks were naturally Renaissance Men.

Plato was a poet, a budding politician, a philosopher, and a star wrestler (Aristolces is Plato’s real name; Plato was his wrestling nickname… Plato meant “broad” in Greek… because Plato had such broad shoulders. We know Plato by his wrestling nickname. Isn’t that awesome?).

Aeschylus, the “father of tragedy,” was a great poet and playwright but if you look on his gravestone, his inscription makes no mention of his plays, only his military achievements. He had fought in both Persians Wars and identified more with his honors as a warrior. But he was also an active citizen, gentleman, and a member of the  Eleusinian cult.

Thales, the first philosopher in Greek philosophy, was a mathematician, an engineer, a scientist, a philosopher, an entrepreneur, a citizen who attempted to federate the twelve city-states on the coast of Turkey to fight against the Persians.

To be a Renaissance Man in ancient Greece was not an anomaly. It was expected. All men strove for plural excellence, NOT for specialization.

Why was this ideal not a big issue for the ancient Greeks?

Here’s my theory at least. Maybe they thought plural excellence IS what it means to be human.

We know how much the Greeks exalted humanity, what humanists they were. Perhaps what they recognized and loved in humanity was its universality.

Universality? Huh?

The Greek myth about Prometheus explains what this “universality” is.

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Prometheus. His myth hints at why the Greeks thought EVERY person has the Renaissance Man within them.

 

Check out the myth. I think you’re gonna like this…

First, backstory: Prometheus was a Titan who lived before the gods were even born. In fact, Zeus and the rest of the gods had to battle the Titans in order to rule Mount Olympus. Prometheus was one of the few Titans that had helped the gods beat the Titans.

His name meant “foresight.” He had a brother named Epimetheus and it meant “after-sight.” In other words, Prometheus was the one who thought before acting, Epimetheus acted before thinking.

Okay, here’s the story: Prometheus and Epimetheus were given the task of repopulating the earth after the gods beat the titans. The gods gave the two brothers gifts to hand out to all the beasts. Prometheus crafted an animal called “Man” with great care. He even modeled them after the gods.

But Epimethus made all sorts of animals rapidly without thinking. And he gave away all the good gifts to them. So animals could run fast, see, smell, hear better, and had more endurance than Man. Plus they had coats of fur that kept them warm in the cold nights.

Man had no gifts and no ability to survive in the wild.

Prometheus took pity on man. Of course he did. Man was his special creation. So this is what he did. He asked Zeus to have some of the sacred fire to help them out.

Zeus said, “Hell, no. The fire belongs to the gods alone!”

Prometheus couldn’t bear to see Man suffer so he decided to steal some of the fire anyway. He carried it down to earth.

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Prometheus stealing some of the fire from the gods for the sake of humanity.

 

And thank God. ‘Cause the fire kept Man warm in the night. It also kept away other beasts so they wouldn’t attack.

Even better, a strange thing happened.

Man would watch the smoke spiral upward. Their eyes lifted from the ground up the the heavens. They began to wonder, think, become more aware, and they built temples to honor the gods.

Still, when Zeus found out about Prometheus’s thievery, he punished him… SEVERELY.

He chained Prometheus to a rock with unbreakable irons, and each day an eagle would eat out his liver. At night his immortal liver grew back again. But every day the eagle returned to make him suffer again.

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Prometheus getting punished for his transgression. He was chained to a rock and an eagle would eat out his guts during the day. His guts would heal during the night. The eagle would eat out his guts again the next day.

They say it was Hercules who finally rescued Prometheus, but that’s a whole other story.

The point is, humans didn’t have a special gift like other animals. Their gift was fire, awareness, and their ability  to transcend their “one-giftedness” that the other animals were limited to.

Jean-Paul Sartre made a similar point.

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Jean-Paul Sartre (1905 – 1980) twentieth century existentialist philosopher from France.

 

In his essay, “Existentialism Is A Humanism” he argued that what makes humans unique is we’re NOT bound by an “essence.” We exist first. We have this incredible freedom to create our own essence.

I like the way a Renaissance philosopher put it. Giovanni Pico Della Mirandela…

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Giovanni Pico Mirandola (1463 – 1494), Italian philosopher from the Renaissance. The same insight in the Prometheus myth can be found in his “Oration on the Dignity of Man.” That book has been called the “Manifesto of the Renaissance.”

 

…in his “Oration on the Dignity of Man” drew out the lessons of the Prometheus myth in this way (by the way, I know this is a long quote, so feel free to skip it, but let me tell you how WORTH it is to check it out):

“Man is the most fortunate of living things and deserving of all admiration…he’s not of the brutes alone, but also of the astral beings… Hear what this condition of man is… The Great Artificer still longed for some creature which might comprehend the meaning of so vast an achievement, which might be moved with love at its beauty and smitten with awe at its grandeur. He brought forth man.

But there remained no archetype according to which He might fashion a new offspring… All space was already filled; all things had been distributed in the highest, the middle and the lowest orders… At last, the Supreme Maker decreed that this creature… (man has) nothing wholly his own, (but has) a share in the particular endowment of every other creature. Taking… this creature of indeterminate image, He set him in the middle of the world and thus spoke to him:

“We have given you no visage proper to yourself, nor any endowment properly your own… (but) whatever place, whatever form, whatever gifts you… select, these same you may have… The nature of all other creatures is defined and restricted… you, by contrast, aren’t impeded by restrictions… by your own free will… you, trace for yourself the lineaments of your own nature. I have placed you at the very center of the world, so that from that vantage point you may with greater ease glance round about you on all that the world contains. We have made you a creature neither of heaven nor of earth, neither mortal nor immortal, in order that you may, as the free and proud shaper of your own being, fashion yourself in the form you may prefer. It will be in your power descend to the lower, brutish forms of life… (or) to rise again to the… divine.”

To have what (man) chooses, to be what he wills to be! The brutes from the moment of their birth bring with them all that they will ever possess. The highest spiritual beings were from the very moment of creation… (are) fixed in the mode of being. But upon man… God bestowed seeds pregnant with all possibilities the germs of every form of life. Whichever of these a man shall cultivate, the same will mature and bear fruit in him. If vegetative, he will become a plant. If sensual he will become brutish. If rational, he will reveal himself a heavenly being. If intellectual he will be an angel and the son of God. And if dissatisfied with the lot of all creatures, he should recollect himself into the center of his own unity… become one spirit with God, in the solitary darkness of the Father Who is set above all things, himself transcend all creatures.

Who will not look with awe upon this our chameleon? …If you see a man dedicated to his stomach, crawling on the ground, you see a plant, not a man. If you see a man bedazzled by the empty forms of the imagination… and made a slave to his own senses, you see a brute, not a man. If, however, you see a philosopher, judging… (from) the rule of reason… he is a creature of heaven and not of earth. If… a pure contemplator… wholly withdrawn into the inner chambers of the mind, here is neither creature of earth nor heavenly creature, but some higher divinity clothed with human flesh.

Who will not look with wonder upon man… (who) is designated sometimes … by the term “every creature” because he models, fashions, transforms himself into the likened of all flesh and assumes the characteristic power of every form of life?

But what is the purpose of all this? That we may understand… we have been born into this condition of being what we choose to be–that we ought to be sure above else that… we appreciate it… we may… not pervert this free option. We(‘re) impatient with mediocrity (and) pant after the highest things. Let us emulate the kind of life life they lead. For if we lead this kind of life, we shall attain their same estate. If we burn with love for the Creator only… (we) transform into… a heavenly being.

Humans have the ability to be anything we want. We’re both brute and angel. We’re not fixed, we’re “every creature,” we’re universal. The choice is ours what we make ourselves into: to transcend our brutishness or to cultivate our more universal “God” nature.

It’s that universality that’s at the heart of the Renaissance Man.

Marx the same insight, too.

marx

Karl Marx (1818 – 1883) German philosopher who worked in England. Much of his philosophy was a critique of capitalism (rather than about communism).

 

He thought the essence of humanity was the creative act, to be universal men. But unfortunately, he observed most of humans are stuck working 9-5 jobs, getting minimum wage, and not fulfilling his humanity. That’s why he was so passionate about healing the contradictions and injustices inherent in the capitalist system.

Again, whole other story.

My point is: it’s that universality the Greeks loved so much about our humanity. It seems like for them, it was expected to cultivate this universality within us, ’cause it’s what it means to be a well-functioning human.

THAT’S what it means to a Renaissance Man.

Awesome right? See why this ideal inspires me to no end?

Okay, okay. What does all this have to do with pickup?

My point: Pickup focuses on ONE area of the Renaissance Man… the “gentleman.” That’s important, but let’s also develop the other five areas.

For example, how can we also:

  • Contribute to our community? Be a citizen?
  • Be an Artist? Fire our imagination?
  • Be a warrior? Perhaps making our bodies stronger? Becoming more assertive? More courageous to be honest?
  • Be more spiritual? Serve God (or whatever label you prefer to name that which is larger than us)?
  • Exercise our mind? Learn more about philosophy, science, math, history?

Again, what does this have to do with pickup?

I alluded to it at the beginning of this post, but it’s about becoming a more excellent man FOR REAL.

It’s one thing to have tight game on the outside. But if a pua’s sub-communication isn’t there, his game will be like an empty shell. If we build a life FOR REAL that kind of confidence spills over naturally in our sub-communication. Women will feel that inner-strength coming from us.

Also, if you’re building a life FOR REAL, you’ll have a life she’ll want to be part of. And, you’ll naturally have more references to talk with her about once your pickup is done.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s important to get the techniques down. But that’s just the part of the iceberg that peaks up from the surface. Even more important is what’s underneath.

Imagine a girl coming back to your place, and you can play the guitar for her.

Imagine being able to talk poetry, politics, psychology, history, sex, the stars, movies, music… if she’s interested in some or all of those things… with your girl.

Imagine being able to whisper Italian in her ear as you make love to her: “Sei la piu bella donna del mondo” (you are the most beautiful woman in the world).

Imagine being able to sketch her.

Imagine if giving to charity were part of your everyday life anyway. Then when you’re on a date with a woman you help an old lady cross the street. Not to impress her but ’cause it’s who are. You’d attract her without trying. As a byproduct of who you already are.

These are just a few of the surface-level benefits that can help a guy with his success with women by being a Renaissance Man. Call me biased, I just think becoming one helps a guy be naturally attractive to a woman.

But, again, screw being a Renaissance Man for her. Be a Renaissance Man for you. Because it’s good in itself. Because constant growth, constant “rebirth” in becoming a more excellent man is good in itself.

Okay I’m done. I’m stepping off the soapbox now.

All I wanted to say is: let’s master pickup, but let’s also develop our whole person, too. Let’s become an excellent men first and worry about attracting women as an after-thought. Let’s become the “sun” that naturally draws women in, rather than being a “planet” seeking to revolve around her.

Shit, man. Let’s become Renaissance Men.

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You know what she’s thinking? “Mm-hm, I likes me a Renaissance Man.” Swear to God. 😉

 

 
5 Comments

Posted by on January 4, 2015 in Confidence, Home, Inner

 

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The Six Human Needs

Gotta share this awesome insight from Tony Robbins.

Tony Robbins Shallow Hal

Tony Robbins listening to Shallow Hal.

It not only helps with inner-game, it helps with relating with anyone, including… hot chicks. The idea: every human person has six basic human needs.

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The Six Human Needs: Certainty-Uncertainty; Importance-Connection; Giving-Growing

Now, before I dig into these, I’ve gotta share the story how Tony came up with the idea with you. ‘Cause it’s kinda cool.

How Tony Discovered This Idea

Tony had everything: riches, beautiful wife, world-leaders and world-class athletes seeking his help.

Tony Robbins On Stage

Tony was on top of the world but still felt despair.

But one day, before he was to board a plane to help another millionaire through some issues he was having, Tony felt like complete shit. He was like, “how am I gonna  help another when I’m having issues of my own?”

Oh, you’re asking why he was feeling like shit? Just discovered he had a tumor in his brain. Yeah, that’ll dampen your mood. All of a sudden, all the success in the world meant nothing. Because he wasn’t certain he was even going to live.

So, before he left for the airport, he went into the shower trying to figure out how he could shake off this funk he was in. He thought about what was really going on that was paralyzing him. Then he started thinking about what made all the people he met and helped who felt sad across the world from diverse cultures. A pattern emerged.

And he had an aha moment.

Aha Moment

Then he had an aha moment.

He realized everyone, no matter who they are, have six basic needs in common. And if these needs aren’t met, a person won’t feel happy. He could have everything in the world. If one of these are missing, he still won’t feel fulfilled.

Not all the needs were created equally, though. The last two needs are the most important. The first four have to do with ego-needs. The last two have to do with spiritual-needs.

Different people prefer the first four in different orders and in different combinations. They make the ego happy. But it’s the last two we need to be fulfilled (according to this idea at least).

Here they are:

First Two Needs: Certainty and Uncertainty

First, we need security…

Certainty and Uncertainty white pickett fence southern lagniappe

The symbol of security. We all need it.

…and we also need insecurity.

Certainty and Uncertainty Chaos

Chaos. We all need a little unpredictability, too.

Security has to do with knowing you have shelter, food on the table, health. You need basic, survival needs to be met. It’s almost like the first level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs 1

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. The need for security/insecurity seem to correspond to Maslow’s “Basic Needs.”

At the same time, if we have too much security or certainty or predictability, things get boring. So, we also need insecurity as well.

We need variety and surprise to keep us awake, alert, adventurous.

We need both. We need both uncertainty and certainty.

Second Two Needs: Significance and Connection

Second, we need to feel important

Importance and Connection kind-of-a-big-deal

The Anchor Man feeling pretty damn significant. But it’s a need we all have: to feel important.

…and we also need to feel a sense of connection.

Importance and Connection

But there’s so much significance and individuation we can take. We also need a sense of connection, too.

The way philosopher William James put it: the deepest principle in human nature is to feel important.

William James Quote Deepest Principle

The needs for importance/connection (or love) seems to correspond to something philosopher William James once observed about human nature: all of us have a need to be appreciated.

Some examples: Look at us puas. A lot of us who got into pickup wanted to feel important. Tell me if you can relate. Part of us wanted to learn how to attract any woman we want because really we want to feel loved, or even important or appreciated.

Other examples: People who want to be famous want to feel important. People who want to win and get awards want to feel important. Achilles in Homer’s Illiad who chose a short life over a long life wanting glory over an anonymous life as a farmer wanted to be important. Celebrities, millionaires, people with high status, politicians and so forth who have distinguished themselves in some way were probably driven by this need for esteem.

Still more examples: Guys who get into gangs and threaten some poor victim at gun point. Gives them a rush of power. And importance.

Here’re some others: People who brag. People who put down others.

And even people who say please and thank-you and show kindness to each other. They’re all ways to make others or one’s self feel important.

We all need appreciation, acknowledgment, respect, praise, to feel important. Without it, we feel insignificant, like we don’t matter, like we have no value.

However, if we feel TOO important and feel TOO distinguished and TOO individuated, problems also arise.

For example, you’ll hear celebrities talk about how lonely they feel. They can’t even go out into a grocery store without being adulated. They lose a sense of connection.

michael-jackson in disguise

Michael Jackson in disguise. He had so much significance and individuation he felt separated from the world. He’d express feeling loneliness and a longing for connection.

Or a person might be so filled with self-importance, he acts like a prick and treats everyone like garbage. Again, those who murder another for attention and power take this need too far.

Basically, when we feel the distinctiveness of our individual self too much, we lose connection with other human beings. We become separate selves, and that takes us away from love and empathy.

So, that’s the fourth human need. We need love, that feeling of human connection, of empathy, of relationship. This balances out our need to feel important.

Conversely, if we’ve lost too much of ourselves in a relationship and we feel like we have no voice or identity, we need to feel important or a sense of individuation or identity to balance this fourth need out, too.

Again, the first four needs are more like ego or personality needs. They feel good. Different people prefer one of these four needs more than others. One might want to feel important the most. Another might want security the most.

Either way, let’s say we get everything our ego wishes for. Well, according to Tony, we still won’t feel a deeper fulfillment. We could still feel a darkness. And that’s where the last two needs come in.

They’re primary essential. They’re needs of the spirit. They’re what bring fulfillment. Even if we fill the first four needs and have accomplished a shit load, if we don’t meet these last two needs, we’ll still feel lost, unfulfilled, even depressed.

Third Two Needs: Giving and Growing

The last two needs is the need to give…

Actor Robin Williams Helps Build Homes

Giving: we all have a need to contribute. Here Robin Williams is giving to a community by building homes with Habitat For Humanity.

and the need to grow.

Giving and Growing buddha quote love and understanding

And we have a need to grow.

Growing means: learning, improving, becoming more and more aware. Aware of yourself as in the old Socratic saying “know thyself,” sifting away the clouds of ignorance. Awareness is probably the real goal of all spiritualities, religions, sciences, philosophies. If these don’t help us to grow in awareness, they’re useless.

Giving means: showing love, kindness, respect to all life, to your friends, to your enemies. Contributing. Helping others. Serving a greater good than yourself.

There’s an old story about Michael J. Fox. Before he learned he had Parkinsons, he had the fanciest car, the nicest house, money, status, fame. But he said he was unhappy. It wasn’t until he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s and began contributing to a cause larger than himself that he snapped out of his unhappiness, and felt like his life had meaning.

michael j fox in congress

Michael J. Fox once said he didn’t feel a sense of fulfillment until he was making a contribution to society. He said he didn’t get that sense of fulfillment from fame and fortune alone.

There’s something about contributing and loving that breaks us out of the shell of the ego. The shell that the Buddha once said causes all of suffering. Serving a purpose higher than ourselves breaks us from these shackles. That’s one reason why as a pua it’s so important to give back and to always leave a woman better off than your found her, you know treat everyone you come across with love and respect.

But Tony doesn’t stop there. He takes all this a step further. He says you can divide all human experience into four classes…

The Four Classes of Experience: Despair To Happiness

The first class, fulfillment and happiness, is when you meet all six needs. The second class isn’t bad. It’s when you’re feeling pain, but you’re about to make a breakthrough in life, or a transformation. It’s kind of like growing pains. Being in a cocoon before bursting free. But the third and fourth classes is where unhappiness lie.

Here they are:

First Class Experience: you do things that feel good, that are good for you, serves others, and serves the greater good.

Experience First Teaching

The First Class of Experience: feeling good and serving a greater good. Robin Williams’s character from “Dead Poets” society loved teaching and it also served a greater good.

Second Class Experience: you do things that feel bad, but are good for you, serves others, and serves the greater good.

Experience Second Abu

Second Class Experience: painful lessons, growing pains, and doing the right thing even though you don’t want to. Here, Abu from Disney’s Aladdin didn’t want to give his bread away, but he did anyway.

Third Class Experience: you do things that feel good, but they’re not good for you, they don’t serve others, and they don’t serve the greater good.

Experience Third large_junkfood

Third Class Experience: doing what feels good, but not serving a greater good.

Fourth Class Experience: you do things that feel bad, and they’re not good for you, don’t serve others, and don’t serve the greater good.

Experience Fourth Crack

Fourth Class Experience: Doing stuff that doesn’t really feel good and doesn’t serve a greater good either.

Okay, okay, you’re saying. What the hell does this have to do with attracting and succeeding with women? Like I said at the beginning of this, this not only helps with inner-game but also in how to have kick-ass relations with anyone, including women.

How This All Relates To Attracting Women

‘Cause the ultimate attractive man doesn’t sit on the couch munching Doritos and playing video games all day. He makes giving and and growing his priority. He does things that put him into the first and second class of experience.

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Yes, this is here for eye candy. But the words are relevant, too. Right?

And here’s the cool thing. If you feel good from within, you naturally emit good feeling, and you can give “feeling good” to others. When she feels “feeling good” around you, she feels pleasure and links pleasurable feelings with you. And we’re all attracted to pleasure, right? You might even say attracting women really starts from within, from getting your inner-game together.

The other four needs teaches us about outer-game. That is, if you were to consciously meet her first four “ego” needs, you’d draw her to the pleasurable feelings she’s feeling around you.

For example, make her feel important (appreciate her) AND honestly connect with her. Give her a sense of safety, security, protection AND unpredictability, like surprising her, sweeping her off her feet, making her laugh.

What about meeting her two “spiritual” needs?

Well, she can only walk through that door herself. That’s something only we ourselves can do.

Conclusion

Anyway, those are the six human needs. Again, the last two needs can strengthen our inner game. The first four human needs can help us look beyond a women’s physical beauty, and connect to the human being inside her.

If you want to learn more about the spiritual (or “inner-game”) needs of growing and giving I’d recommend these two phenomenal books: “Awareness & The Way To Love,” by Jesuit priest Anthony DeMello, and “How To Want What You Have,” by psychologist Timothy Miller.

As for how to meet a woman’s first four needs, that’s what game is all about.

Flirt and play-fight to meet her need for unpredictability. Build comfort and BE (not just demo) the DHV switch of a protector and survivor to meet her need for security or survival.

Qualify and appreciate her to meet her need to feel acknowledged. Create an emotional connection with her to meet her need for connection.

And let me ask you with these last three questions:

  • What’s something you love to do that helps your growth and serves a greater good?
  • How can you start giving and showing more love to others, rather than just serving the ego?
  • What’s something you hate to do but helps your growth and serves a greater good?
  • What’s something you love to do that doesn’t help your growth or serve a greater good?

Together, you and I, if we can weed out what’s not serving our growth and what’s not serving others… and if we can do more of what serves the greater good… we’ll be on the path towards that first-class kind of experience Tony was talking about.

Then maybe we can share the light we feel inside with any beautiful women we meet might along our way.

Here’s a Ted Talk where Tony talks about these needs. Check it out (about 22 min):

 
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Posted by on September 9, 2014 in Home, Inner, Principles of Attraction, Quotes

 

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Quote In Response to Elliot Rodger

Elliot Rodger. Credit: http://media.independent.com

Apparently, Elliot Rodger (that 22-year-old who went on the killing spree) was a failed pickup artist. He posted on PUAHate. In fact, I’ve heard PUAHate has been shut down because he was posting about taking revenge on women, and guys were cheering him on.

To a certain extent, I can empathize with Elliot. I’ve gotten rejected by women a lot. I’ve felt like an outsider and alone. It feels rotten.

But here’s the big question. What would prevent you and I from becoming an Elliot?

I think it has to do with a huge lesson I learned from Mystery and Neil Strauss. If something goes wrong in an interaction with a woman, it’s never the woman’s fault. It’s always our fault. It’s not that the girl is a bitch or a snob or a slut. She just responds to our skill level. Improve your skill level, watch your success rate improve.

Isn’t that what Jesus taught? Everyone was about to stone that woman for cheating on her husband. He asked them to look at themselves and see their own sin before condemning the sin in others.

Ultimately, that’s what pickup is about. It’s less about “getting” women (although attracting women is awesome). It’s more about looking at yourself in the process to become a better man.

Well, how do you improve your skill level, you ask? Lemme share this quote:

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Elliot may have given up, then blamed the outside world for his failures, rather than looking to himself. I can understand his hurt. But blaming seems to blind us, while looking to ourselves wakes us. That’s the big lesson I’m taking from this terrible tragedy.

 
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Posted by on May 28, 2014 in Home, Inner, Quotes

 

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Self-Esteem: Six Pillars, By Nathaniel Branden

Attract this woman through high self-esteem

Attract this woman through high self-esteem

Outer-game is cool. In fact, I think one of the best ways to change your inner-game is to practice good outer-game. It’s like the whole “Fake it till you make it” thing.

But here’s the problem. Especially a problem you see with a lot of pickup artists.

They’re all outer-game, and no inner-game. They’ll spend lots of time learning routines and lines. And you know what? They’ll work. But all that focus on outer-game is like a woman putting on a lot of make-up. She might look good, but once the makeup’s off… not so much.

If you’ve got no inner-game, you’ll have a hard time keeping her around. She’ll like you for your lines, not for who you are behind the mask.

Besides, if you have a strong inner-game, the outer-game will flow out of you more naturally without having to memorize routines. Don’t get me wrong. You definitely need technique. I’m just saying if technique is all you’ve got, you’re gonna be an empty shell.

That’s why I wanted to share with you this idea about self-esteem. High self-esteem isn’t about “feeling good.” It’s about being able to cope with the challenges life throws at you.

And it’s about knowing you’re deserving of happiness. In other words, you don’t need the outside world to esteem you. You don’t need approval from women to feel esteem. You don’t need compliments to feel esteem. Esteem comes from within.

It’s like a strong immune system. People with high self-esteem get sick less often. And when they do get sick, they bounce back from it faster. It’s a strong inner-game.

That definition of “self-esteem”… and the term itself… was invented by a psychologist named Nathaniel Branden.

Nathaniel Branden, father of "self-esteem" and author of "Six Pillars of Self-Esteem"

Nathaniel Branden, psychologist and father of the term “self-esteem.” He wrote the book “Six Pillars of Self-Esteem”

His classic book about it is called “The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem.” I thought it might be useful to share what those six pillars are.

They’re actually six PRACTICES. They’re not meant to be done once. They’re meant to be done over and over again for the rest of your life. Like brushing your teeth or taking your vitamins. Practicing these strengthens inner-game. It’ll build your house of outer-game on rock, not on sand.

Here are the six practices:

1. Living Consciously.

A lot of us walk through the world as if we’re in a room with the lights shut off. We can’t see what’s in front of us, so we bump around. If someone asked you, “Do you want the light turned on?” Of course you’d say yes! Living consciously is like turning the light. With light, you’re more aware of the world and yourself.

2. Self-Acceptance.

This is accepting the warts, weaknesses, insecurities and dark shadows of your soul, as well as the good, strengths, confidences and virtues. Not trying to be “perfect.” Accepting yourself as you are. How can you leave a place if you don’t you know where you are?

3. Responsibility.

You don’t blame others. Instead you look at yourself to see how you may have been a cause. Relationships are a two-way street. If something goes wrong, it’s not that she’s a bitch. Or outside a relationship, he’s an asshole. It’s looking at yourself and seeing what I can do better next time.

4. Assertiveness.

This is about standing up for yourself and standing up for what’s right, even if you might get ostracized. Asserting what you want and like, even if you get condemned or made fun of. Having the ability to say no, even if a person doesn’t like it.

5. Living Purposefully.

Having goals in your daily actions. It’s not just having goals but creating an action plan. It’s not just having an action plan, but executing it. It’s not just executing it but looking at the outcome to see if you’re on the right track or not. Having goals gives direction.

6. Integrity.

Consistency between what you think, say, and do so they all match. If you say you’re going to do something, then do it. If you have a certain belief, don’t just preach it, do it. Integrity is honesty. Having what’s inside you be what’s on the outside.

I first learned about these practices when I listened to David DeAngelo interview Brandon on his “Interviews with Dating Gurus” series.

David DeAngelo's "Interviews with Dating Gurus." Highly recommended

David DeAngelo’s “Interviews with Dating Gurus.” Where I discovered Nathaniel Branden.

I thought it was fantastic. I asked myself which pillar was my strongest and weakest. I found assertiveness was my weakest and have been working on strengthening it ever since. And I’ve been getting better.

Here’s a question Branden offered to help us strengthen a practice. He suggests asking yourself: “If I could bring 5% more <pick a practice> into my life, then I would <an improved action>…”

For example, “If I could bring 5% more assertiveness into my life, next time I talk to friends about a movie I like, even if they don’t like the movie, I won’t deny I like it, but I’ll say I like it. Even if they make fun of me.”

The great thing about the question is it doesn’t say “Be more assertive!” That’s meaningless. It asks what small step can you do today to increase assertiveness.

The other great thing is the question helps us find the answer to what’s holding us back for ourselves. Instead of an outside force… like a psychologist or teacher… telling us what to do, we can discover it for ourselves. By thinking for ourselves.

So, what’s your weakest pillar? Your strongest? And how can you bring 5% more of these practices into your life?

If we strengthen what’s behind the mask while tweaking our outer “mask,” we’ll sub-communicate AND communicate an inner-strength and light. And the difference between the two of them might fade. Talk about attraction…

About-How-To-Attract-Women

A man with strong self-esteem… attracts her more than a man with great lines

 
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Posted by on August 29, 2013 in Home, Inner

 

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Quote – Wayne Dyer

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From a higher place – peace. Ego aside.

I came across this passage the other day. Struck me. Wanted to share with you.

“Your highest self only wants you to be at peace. It does not judge, compare or demand that you defeat anyone, or be better than anyone. It only wants you to be at peace. Whenever you are about to act, ask yourself this question: “Is what I am about to say or do going to bring me peace?” If the answer is yes, then go with it and you will be allowing yourself the wisdom of your highest self. If the answer is no, then remind yourself that it is your ego at work.

“The ego promotes turmoil because it wants to substantiate your separateness from everyone, including God. It will push you in the direction of judgment and comparison, and cause you to insist on being right and best. You know your highest self by listening to the voice that only wants you to be at peace.” – Wayne Dyer, “Manifest Your Destiny,” p. 21.

Getting ego out of the way helps you get along with any person you meet. Including women.

 
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Posted by on July 22, 2013 in Home, Quotes

 

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Quote – “Radical Honesty,” by Brad Blanton

Dr. Brad Blanton, author of "Radical Honesty"

Dr. Brad Blanton, author of “Radical Honesty”

Before I give you the quote, quick background.

I just finished reading “Radical Honesty,” by Brad Blanton. Highly recommended.

Here’s the basic premise:

At heart we’re Being. There’s nothing mysterious or mystical about Being. It’s just the sensate being in the body.

However, our parents, teachers, priests, media taught us how things SHOULD be and how we SHOULD act. We grew a “mind.” In a word, we became “moralistic.”

We went from living as Being to living in the mind. We lie to ourselves and to others to keep up a false image that fits the way we SHOULD be. We suffer, we inflict suffering, and kill ourselves as a result.

The way out of this prison is to tell the truth. Telling the truth sets us free to return to Being. We become more alive, at peace, and creative. And telling the truth reveals that underneath all the bullshit we thought separated each other, we are all Beings in common. Honesty also brings relationships back to life, too.

Not only did this book make me (painfully) aware of moralism and how it’s everywhere… in me, in you, everywhere.. it gave me an insight into the “Mr. Nice Guy” syndrome. As you and I know that isn’t exactly a recipe for success with women.

Nice Guys tend to pretend to be more “perfect” than they really are. If you’ve ever wondered how to cure the syndrome, telling the truth might be the way.

While I was reading “Radical Honesty,” I read Tucker Max’s “Hilarity Ensues” at the same. Turned out, Tucker was the perfect companion. He proved over and over how his honesty won him the girl at the end again and again.

You know Tucker’s WILD success with women, right?

tuckermax your face here

Well, if you read my post “Lessons From Tucker Max,” you’ll see I quote him talking about how he thinks it’s his honesty that is one of the two keys to his success with women.

It’s also what makes his stories so great. It’s entertaining and refreshing seeing someone having the balls to tell the truth.

Now, why would telling the truth work so well, especially when it comes to women? I don’t know the exact answer, but here are some guesses:

Honesty challenges the status quo and breaks you out of the seeking-other- people’s-approval herd. Attractive.

Makes you free, strong, ballsy, a leader, authentic, and alive. Definitely attractive.

Not only that it puts women at ease. The question “what does he want from me?” won’t come up, because it’s out in the open. It makes you more trustable, allows her to be more honest with you, and calms her. Um, SUPER attractive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. It’s easy to talk about it. It’s a hell of a lot harder to actually DO it. And you’re absolutely right. People will condemn you…

Brad Blanton getting arrested

Brad Blanton getting arrested

…in the short term. But in the long term you’re living a life of integrity, of truth.

Blanton suggests these three action steps to actually PRACTICE being more honest. So you can release your Being from the prison of your mind:

STEP ONE. REVEAL THE FACTS: Any facts you’ve been withholding from someone, tell them about it. For example, if you cheated on someone, reveal that fact to them. This clears up the lies from your past. And it eliminates any false image of self you’ve been presenting to them.

STEP TWO. BE HONEST ABOUT CURRENT FEELINGS AND FACTS: Admit how you feel when you feel it. Speak secret judgments of others out loud. Reveal your shadow. Keeping the shadow inside, it persists and becomes a poison. Releasing it out into the open, it dies and keeps you clean. Like an internal bath.

STEP THREE. EXPOSE THE FICTION: This is the practice of demythologizing yourself. Praise yourself openly, rather than manipulate praise. Confess your putrid vanity. Admit you’re a liar. Admit you don’t know. And fend off the ego. Over and over and over again. It’s about fading egotism away. A battle that never ends.

And that’s exactly what the quote I wanted to share with you is about:

“At level three, you have to get over your new egotism about having made it to level three. Once you come off it two or three times and admit your pretentiousness, and you get to thinking you are pretty virtuous, you must then own up to the fact that owning up to the facts is not a virtue, just growth.” (page 79, “Radical Honesty”)

That quote completely shook me up.

As soon as you think you’re so great for telling the truth you’re back in the prison of the mind. It’s not about being “virtuous.” It’s about getting back to Being. And growing.

Absolutely love it.

Brad Blanton RadicalHonesty

 
 

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Identity, Part 4: Your Goal Statement

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There’s an insight from David Deida that’s similar to this.

A man who knows his deepest purpose in life and gives his deepest gifts to the world is a superior man. As it so happens this kind of man also attracts women. As a byproduct though, not as the goal.

The idea is this. Having purpose seeps into every interaction you have with women: from the approach all the way to how you lead her in bed. She feels your strong purposiveness on an unconscious level, and it attracts her.

Why?

Because having purpose is what gives a man his masculinity. And masculinity attracts the feminine, in the same way the north pole of a magnet attracts the south pole.

That was David Deida’s idea at least. And if that’s true… which I think it is… the next question becomes:

HOW do you find your deepest purpose?

Excellent question. And that’s what this post is all about. Deida suggests either sitting in silence and solitude, or challenging yourself, living life on the edge.

And all I’ve gotta say is, Amen to that bro.

But I’ve also found that making a list of goals helps a lot, too. For me, it focuses me. I recently came across a set of questions that really helped me to get clear on my own purpose, and I wanted to pass them along to you, too.

Here they are:

1) What are five things you want to accomplish in the next 3 months?

1._______________________________________________________________________

2._______________________________________________________________________

3._______________________________________________________________________

4._______________________________________________________________________

5._______________________________________________________________________

2) Which is THE most important? Second most? Third most? Fourth most? Fifth most?

  1.  _____________________________________________________________
  2. _____________________________________________________________
  3. _____________________________________________________________
  4. _____________________________________________________________
  5. _____________________________________________________________

3) How can you make the goals as specific as possible? For example, instead of saying “I want to lose weight,” a SPECIFIC goal would be “I want to 20 pounds.” There’s something about NUMBERS that makes goals more specific. Makes them measurable at least.

4) What’s the deadline? That’s easy. Whatever date is 3 months from now.

By the way, why have a deadline?

Makes the difference between “Someday it would be nice to…” to driving the goals to COMPLETION.

Deadline: ____________________________________________________________

5) What’s my action plan? What do I have to do each day to drive the goals to completion? So, if your goal is to lose 20 pounds, an action plan might be working out 6 days a week for 20 minutes and eating within 2000 calories per day.

Action Plan #1. ________________________________________________________________

Action Plan #2. ________________________________________________________________

Action Plan #3. ________________________________________________________________

Action Plan #4. ________________________________________________________________

Action Plan #5. ________________________________________________________________

Then do that activity EACH DAY. Each tiny little shovel of dirt each day moves mountains.

Once you complete those five goals, you get to make a new set of goals. Yipee! Haha

And here’s another great tip I learned from Eben Pagan, the guy behind David DeAngelo. Do whatever is the MOST important goal on your list… FIRST thing when you wake up in the morning. And make sure to do it for at least one hour of focused, uninterrupted time. No email, phone calls, text messages during that hour. Just focus on that one goal for an hour, two hours if you can, then take a 10 or 20 minute break. That way if anything gets you off track during your day, at least you’ve got that important thing done already. This has personally helped me A LOT to actually get my goals done.

6) What motto might inspire you to stay on track? “Now is the time, not later, but now?” “Drive to Completion?” “Just Do It?” “Nose to the grindstone?” “Stick with it until I get it?” “Keep it simple?” Some other motto? I’ve been writing a motto that inspires me next to my list of goals. This helps, too.

Then I read those goals daily, morning and night if I’m good. I’m not always perfect at it though. And I don’t always like reading them either. Some days I’ll even say to myself “is it really necessary to read my goals today? I already know what they are.”

But when I read them anyway, I’m always glad I do. Only takes five minutes… or less. It gets the focus back. Reminds me of the big picture. Keeps me on track. And makes it so the goals actually become something like a self-fulfilling prophesy.

One last awesome question I want to share with you.

7) What’s the larger vision of your life? For example, what will your life look like 3 years from now? What will you be doing for a career? Where will you be living? How much will you make in month?

And this can be WHATEVER the hell you want to be. If you hear a voice that sounds vaguely like your friends and family that say “can’t” or “impossible” or “stupid” (I hear it all the time) SQUASH THAT MO FO! Replace the phrase “I can’t” with the question “how can I?” It totally shifts your consciousness from impossible to possible. I learned that piece of gold from Robert Kiyosaki (“Rich Dad Poor Dad”).

Anyway, this question is a lot of fun to answer because you get to let your imagination run free.

By the way, speaking of your larger vision, something I learned from Michael J. Fox of all people: He said he was happier, more awake, and more alive when he was helping the world become more aware of “Parkinson’s Disease” than when  he was a big movie star with like six porsches.

What I took from that is: it almost seems like a person’s happiness is connected with something that’s larger than the self. Something that allows you to give back to the world in someway.

So, maybe your larger vision will revolve around this, giving your gifts to something higher than the self?

Now that doesn’t mean being a self-righteous crusader or sacrificing your self for others. Just the opposite. It means making yourself strong first (read: lighting yourself up from within) so you can’t help but shine your light to to the world.

It’s like one of my favorite quotes, which comes from Gil Bailie: “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

And didn’t Jesus say something similar this, too? Something about not putting your light under a bushel, but to let it shine let it shine let it shine? Another one of my favorite quotes, this time from Marianne Williamson in her book “A Return To Love,” reminds me of Jesus’s saying: “And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”

I think that’s what having the larger vision is all about. Giving your deepest gifts to the world.

I know I just went off there. But this point means a lot to me. And what was my point?

Just that making a list of goals and breaking them down into daily action steps has worked WONDERS for me. It’s been a life changer. It’s helped me to get my life on track. So, I wanted to share it with you.

Try it out. You’ll love it. Your deepest purpose becomes clearer, and you already start giving your deepest gifts to the world. Having purpose makes us more masculine. Again the byproduct (not so much the goal) is you attract women, too.

Very nice.

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Posted by on April 4, 2013 in Home, Identity

 

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