1. First, let’s be clear about what negs are not.
- They’re NOT meant to put down.
- They’re NOT meant to cut down an ego.
- They’re NOT meant to make you look superior.
- They’re NOT meant to one-up.
- They’re NOT meant to hurt.
If a guy does any of these things, he’s not negging. He’s being an asshole.
How can a guy tell he’s negging properly? If she’s laughing.
If she’s not, she’s usually been insulted. Occasionally you’ll find a girl who might just be a miserable human being. She wouldn’t laugh at anything. But nine times outta ten, if she’s laughing, you know you’ve negged properly.
To prove negs aren’t meant to insult, let me give you the technical definition of a neg, from Mystery himself:
“Negs disqualify you from being a potential suitor.”
2. In other words, negs are meant to show: “I’m NOT chasing you.”
This is especially useful on the most made-up women who’ve been offered drinks, propositioned for sex, glared at, grinded on a dance floor, told she’s pretty a thousand times, and asked twenty factual questions, like “where are you from.”
But a guy who makes her laugh with a variation of “stop hitting on me”? It’s different. Makes her stop and ask, “who is this guy?” Negs should feel like a breath of fresh air for her. ‘Cause he’s showing his personality and offering value: a laugh.
To repeat: Negs show you’re ACTIVELY *NOT* chasing a girl, you’re actively showing you’re willing to leave.
You’re also actively showing you’ve got personality. It’s so different than what other guys do, it’s intriguing. It’s like a cool headline that makes a girl wanna learn more about you.
And the mind-state behind using negs has NOTHING to do putting down women.
3. Here’s the mind-state:
- First, presume you’re the prize. That means presume she wants you. You don’t need her. You come from an abundance of women. In other words, don’t audition for her. Let her audition for you.
- Second, push her “presumed” advances away, or at least show you’re willing to walk away …presuming you’re the prize, she wants you, she’s hitting on you, of course you’ve gotta stop her from hitting on you. 😉
- Third, because you’re “presuming,” the push away is *PLAYFUL*. Playful is the operative word here. It’s all play. You’re not literally pushing her away. You’re just presuming.
- Fourth, play is fun and positive–so have positive energy. You can say “You’re beautiful” a thousand ways. They’ll all mean something different, depending on your feeling. The same words can communicate sincerity, creepiness, anger. So, if a guy feels negative, his neg will come off as insulting. But if he has positive energy, his neg will come off as fun, as playing-together.
Presuming a girl is hitting on you disqualifies you from being a suitor. ‘Cause you’re making HER into the suitor!
YOU: “Slow down, buy me a drink before you hit on me.”
Make this a running joke.
If you do the running gag of, “I’m so hot, stop hitting on me,” she’ll laugh PLUS she’ll fall into the frame of she wants you.
A long running frame will get you aaaaall the way to sex. Even if you’re butt-ugly. She can’t help but fall into it.
4. Negs are always about BUILDING COMFORT.
This idea that negs are meant to put down is wrong. Negs are really about ridding her discomfort of being hit on.
After all, she only wants to be hit on AFTER she feels attraction for somebody. She only wants compliments knowing you’re NOT trying to get something from her.
Negs allow you to give those honest compliments, ‘cause she now knows you need nothing from her. Compliments without an agenda make her feel good.
5. Here’s an experiment. Imagine a fat girl negging you… I bet you a $100 she’d attract you with her negs.
Let’s say this fat girl accuses you of wanting her. She’s funny and cool. I bet you $100 she’d attract you just with her frame. Here’s how that might look:
FAT GIRL: “You’re looking at my tits again aren’t you. Head up, head up. Get your head outta the gutter.”
YOU: “I wasn’t thinking any of that!”
FAT GIRL: “Mmhm. I’m sure you say that to all the big-breasted women. Yep.”
Again, she’s funny, smart, cool, comfortable in her skin.
After a fun night with her, you find she’s lying in your bed STILL not hitting on you. She’s just saying:
FAT GIRL: “Okay, don’t get any ideas. Just because I’m in your bed…”
Then she makes a move on you. She begins stroking your cock, then sucking it. She’s damn good at it. And hey, a girl’s a girl.
Next thing you know, you’re taking each other’s clothes off…
That’s who we should be. We should be like the fat girl who accused the guy of chasing her. And she had to say “no” to his presumed advances (even though he wasn’t hitting on her).
Why does this work?
First, it’s funny as all hell. Then she became a challenge. Finally, you fell into that frame that you wanted her, and you found yourself wanting her.
Voila. The magic of negs.
6. Negs are also about giving feeling-good.
Whether or not you “get” her with negs, you’ll probably make her laugh with ’em. That’s good enough. If nothing else, make her night with a smile.
Negging a girl is like two friends PLAY-fighting with each other. She’ll neg you back. EXCELLENT! Game on. The flirting has begun.
No passive-aggressive claws involved.
Now, a word about this “pushing her away” thing… It’s probably why so many have so misunderstood negs to be put downs.
Something quirky about human nature: the more we can’t have something, the more we want it. But remember: you’re ALSO making her laugh in the process.
Magic my man. Magic.
7. So, think of negs instead as:
- Playful conflict
- Being a fun challenge
- Active non-neediness
Be the one to push it away, push it away. Show her you like her, but also show you don’t need her. All of a sudden, she wants in.
8. Let me give you some more examples:
All of these are ways to disqualify yourself from being considered a potential suitor. Or to presume you’re the prize, she wants you, and you’ve gotta push her away.
EXAMPLE #1: Friend Zone
YOU: “Yeah, yeah, come along. But expect nothing but good conversation. If nothing else, we can be friends.”
That’s a good neg.
It gets rid of her discomfort of being hit on. Says, “I’m not trying to get you. Let’s just relax and enjoy each other’s company.”
But do you see how there’s ZERO insulting going on here?
Now I know this might not be exactly hilarious. But it’s still IRONIC… and unexpected. ‘Cause here (I got this line from Mystery) Mystery’s stealing what girls usually say to us–“expect no sex… I’d rather be friends”–and using it on a girl.
It’s a non-hurtful way of saying I’m NOT out to “get” you. Again, THAT’S what a neg is.
Here’s another example of how negs are NOT back-handed insults.
EXAMPLE #2: Tyler Durden’s Neg
Now, a caveat about this example. I wouldn’t recommend using it. I’m including it here as an example of how flexible negs can be and how they’re not meant to one-up, or knock someone’s self-esteem
Okay, here’s the example.
There’s this famous story about how Tyler Durden (co-founder of RSD) told a girl he was gay, so she’d know he wasn’t chasing her.
He played up the story all the way to fucking her in bed.
In bed while he’s fucking her she said, “But I thought you were gay.”
He said, “I think you changed me.”
Again, wouldn’t recommend this, ’cause it’s a lie. Funny yes, but a lie.
But this also qualifies as a neg. Why?
‘Cause Tyler was actively showing he wasn’t trying to “get” the girl. He gave her room to come to him. No “insulting” or “one-upping” involved.
Here’re some other great negs that are playful, that show confidence, that push her away without putting a girl down:
MULTIPLE EXAMPLES: One-liners
YOU: “I just want you to know we’re not having sex tonight.”
YOU: “I wore my old briefs tonight to make sure nothing would happen.”
YOU: “Hey, hey. Buy me a drink first!”
YOU: “Quit looking at my chest! My eyes are up here.”
YOU: “Did you put any roofies in my drink?”
YOU: “Quit looking at me like that. I’m not just some hot slab of beefcake you know. I’ve got feelings too.”
YOU: “You’re such a brat.”
YOU: “You’re trouble. I’ve gotta keep my eye on you.”
YOU: “Hands off the merchandise. That’ll be forty dollars. Hey, you think this shit’s for free?”
YOU: “You are so cute I wanna put you in my pocket and take you home with me. Wait. Are you house broken?”
Again, these are supposed to be funny ’cause it’s shit girls usually say to us. Guys aren’t supposed to say these to girls, right? Girls realize it’s absurd, there’s no substance to it… and they laugh.
In fact, Mystery once said he learned how to neg FROM girls!
‘Cause they used to neg him and rebuff his advances like crazy. So one day he decided to give what she gave him right back to her–in a PLAYFUL way. Never in the serious, hurtful way girls sometimes “neg” us. To his surprise, it worked!
Anyway, if you give her these lines that say “I’m the selector here, now you’re the selectee” before she gives ’em to you, how can she now give ’em to you?
Ha! You’ve turned the tables! Nice.
By the way, speaking of women “negging” us, what if she “negs” us seriously, without the playfulness? What do you do then?
EXAMPLE #4: When she negs you
Give it back to her still! With the playfulness. Interpret her neg as she wants you. Here’s one way of how that might look like:
HER: “I just want you to know, we’re not having sex tonight.”
Remember this neg is just a sound byte. So, give the sound byte back to her.
YOU: “Well I’m glad you brought that up. Because I didn’t shave. No seriously. I’m in the shower getting ready to come over here. I keep myself trim down there. And I do it out of laziness. Because if your lines grow out then you have to find new lines. So I’m shaving thinking, ‘Who am I shaving for? Is it you?’ I’m like ‘I’m not even in this headspace right now. While sex is all great and stuff, women can be a drag.’ So I specifically didn’t shave because I don’t feel sexy when I don’t shave. I don’t feel like I’m in a sexual mood. You know what I mean? So for you to say that? Works for me.”
You’re actually speaking a woman’s language and giving it right back to her.
This qualifies as a “neg” ’cause you’re actively showing you’re not trying to get into her pants. Without being hurtful about it.
And guess what? Because you’re giving her “negative” space, she’ll wanna fill it and come to you.
I’ve used this neg before when a girl told me “we’re not having sex tonight.” Guess what happened? We ended up having sex that night.
Here’s ANOTHER great neg that yet STILL doesn’t cut down:
Example #5: Let’s shut off the girl-boy dynamic
YOU: “Let’s turn this girl-boy dynamic off and just be, you know, spiritual, normal. I mean we’re both hot and we like each other. So what? Last thing I need is this girl-boy complexity. There’s a thoughtful, observing entity inside you. I care about that which is looking at me and seeing me.”
Yes, THAT’S a neg! ‘Cause you’re ACTIVELY showing you’re NOT chasing her.
I hope you see by this point that’s all negs are. It’s NOT a back-handed insult. God, no.
9. But wait, you might be saying. If negs DON’T “cut down,” then why is it called a “neg”? N-e-g seem to be the first letters of “negate.”
There still is a sense of conflict, or pushing her away or “NO… I’m not after you” in negs.
But negs must be done in the spirit of PLAY. NEVER as a way to hurt or cut down an ego. Insulting is NOT playful, NOT fun, NOT friendly.
How would hurtfulness ever attract?
Those who say that’s what negs do to a girl’s self-esteem are guilty of a straw man argument: portraying someone’s position in the worst way to make it easier to attack. It’s a vulgar understanding.
Negs are AWESOME ’cause they infuse ENERGY into an interaction, and make it interesting.
Please allow me to indulge one last time to show you what I mean.
Many people in relationships have these kind of conversations:
::: Conversation with no conflict in it :::
He: “Good morning.”
She: “Good morning.”
He: “What would you like?”
She: “I don’t know. What do you feel like?”
He: “How about some eggs?”
She: “Okey dokey.”
He: “How would you like your eggs?”
She: “Sunny side up.”
He: “I’ve got some honey wheat bread. It’s great.”
She: “Okay, I’ll give it a try.”
She: “Yes please!”
They read the paper as they eat breakfast.
She: “Anything happening in the paper?”
He: “Celtics won last night.”
He: “Just barely though. They’re now in second place.”
She: “So, what’re you gonna do today?”
Do you feel the boredom? It’s a lifeless exchange. Why? There’s NO conflict! They just agree with everything they say to each other. Plus everything is FACTUAL.
Negs on the other hand add playful conflict and imagination to the mix. It’s not so literal or factual or so agreeable.
Check out if this couple added some playful conflict and negs to the mix:
::: Conversation with Playful Conflict :::
You’re making breakfast. Your girl enters the kitchen. And she grabs at it.
She: “Is it ready yet?”
You: “Hey, hands off.”
You pick her up, carry her to the counter away from the food, and sit her down there. You continue to cook.
You: “You stay over there you brat. You don’t understand. Cooking’s an art.”
She: “Sure, I’ll sit over here. All by myself.”
She throws a pieces of bread at you. You tickle her to make her stop. She runs away. You chase her and capture her.
She: “Wait the food’s burning!”
You: “Aw shit.”
See how much more engaging the conversation is now with PLAYFUL conflict involved?
That’s what negs are. Playful conflict. They create attraction. And not just when you first meet a girl.
If you wanna keep the spark alive in a long term relationship, NEG!
Relationships lose the spark when they lose sexual tension. Negs infuse SEXUAL TENSION into an interaction.
Negs are KEY to attracting girls.
10. Let me sum up.
Negs aren’t put downs. Negs are play-fighting.
Like when a dog plays keep away from you. Or when one person chases the other. Or when a TV show ends on a cliff hanger and says, “To be continued…”
What’s the difference between these and real fighting? What makes these “games,” and not battles-of-the-ego? Easy. There are no claws involved.
When a dog plays with you, he may show his teeth and growl, but he won’t draw blood. That’s how you know it’s PLAY-fighting. There’s no hurting involved.
That’s how it is with negs. There’s conflict, yes, but no drawing blood. No harming. No hurting. They’re playful. They’re meant to keep a girl engaged. They’re meant to keep a girl on the edge of her seat. It’s a GAME in the “tag–you’re it” sense of the word. It’s fun. It’s flirting.
Philosopher Baudillard probably had the best way to sum up negs:
“Challenge, and not desire, lies at the heart of seduction.”
Being-a-challenge-to-get engages and is fun. Negs are a tool to help you be that kind of playful challenge… rather than buy drinks, gawk, proposition girls for sex.
They’re what guys who are successful with women do naturally.
So, instead of insulting, think of negs as flirting. As actively showing a girl you don’t “need” her, that you’re not chasing her.
This creates sexual tension, and a DESIRE in her for more of you.
Negging is really foreplay. It’s the first step in getting girls “in the mood.”
It’s unfortunate this part of MM is so misunderstood. Because they’re so fundamental to attraction.
Let me close this beast of a post with some tips on how to neg a girl in the first five minutes of meeting her.
11. To execute negs properly in the first five minutes of an approach:
- Pick ONE of the one-liners above.
- Use that line within the second sentence out of your mouth. Don’t wait to do it. Do it IMMEDIATELY. Get the sexual juices flowing right from the start.
- Don’t do more than two neg-exchanges in the first five minutes. Yes, negs break the ice. But once the ice’s broken, anchor the laughter with substance. That means introducing yourself, next qualifying her, and finally expressing your interest in her. That naturally leads to a mini-date (or at least a number exchange).
- Presume you’re the prize. Presume she’s hitting on you, presume you’ve gotta get away from her. Yes, the presumption is imaginary. But that’s the fun and often humor of it.
- Have positive energy. The kind of positivity that says “NOTHING can wreck my day. I’m just giving FEELING GOOD.” Whether you get that girl’s number or not, BOTH of you still win. ‘Cause you’ve made her smile.
Negs remove that heavy barrier called the “stranger obstacle.”
They create sexual tension, they get the good feelings flowing, and they allow you to approach a girl from a place of strength. You’ll attract her. And ultimately be able to get to know each other human being-to-human being.
12. So neg are ways to flirt, it’s playful conflict.
Flirting is play-fighting. NOT serious-fighting (where people get hurt). To create attraction, incorporate playful conflict into your interactions with women.
How do you play-fight in a way creates sexual tension and that doesn’t hurt a girl?
As you know by now, neg.