Tag Archives: Dale Carnegie

Tips from Dale Carnegie

Dale Carnegie, author of the classic: "How To Win Friends and Influence People."

Dale Carnegie, author of the classic: “How To Win Friends and Influence People.”

Ever read “How To Win Friends and Influence People”?

Great book, right?

I picked it up because… let’s face it…  game-theory can get weird.

Like, you ever been out approaching chicks but you see a woman as a “target” rather than as a human being?

I know it’s happened to me.

So I picked up Dale Carnegie’s book to help me get back to the humanity of it all. And it was like a tonic. Besides, that’s the real skill you need when you’re out in the field, anyway. Getting along with people.

Here’s his main idea:

Treat people with kindness and respect. At bottom everyone wants to feel important. So, get where a person is coming from. And make her or him feel important.

I know this may sound basic. “Yeah, yeah I know,” you might say. “Whatever.” Well, do you actually do it? I know I’m still learning how to do it.

What I love about the book is how Dale takes this simple idea… which is THE idea behind Christianity, all great religions, and all great philosophies… and applies it to a ton of specific examples.

For example:

PART ONE: Fundamental Techniques


Lift others up. That’s all we want. To feel important and understood.

1. Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.

2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.

3. Don’t tell others what to do. Instead, arouse in the other person an eager want. If you have a person WANT to do something, they’ll do it on their own volition. Forcing or commanding never works.

PART TWO: Six Ways To Make People Like You

Mystery smiling

Smiling is like saying there’s a light on inside the house. It also makes a great first impression.

4. Get interested in other people (not just in what you want).

5. Smile. Action speaks louder than words. A smile says: “I like you. You make me happy. I’m glad to see you.” It’s a simple way to make a great first impression.

6. Use a person’s name often. It’s the sweetest sound to them.

7. Listen. Don’t do all the talking. Encourage people to talk about themselves. Honestly get curious about who they are.

8. Don’t just talk about your own interests. Talk about the other person’s interests. If you do, you’ll hook their interest. And they won’t want to stop talking with you.

9. Make the other person feel important. All people want to feel important. But don’t bullshit about it. Do this sincerely.

PART THREE: How To Win People To Your Way Of Thinking


Don’t do all the talking. Listen.

10. Avoid arguments. That’s the best way to get the best of arguments. Don’t embarrass a person in front of other people by proving him wrong. Let them save face. Choose your battles. Let the small potatoes go. No need to be argumentative or superior or “right.”

11. Show respect for a person’s opinions. Never say “You’re wrong!”

12. If you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

13. Begin in a friendly way. If you come at a person with your fists closed, you can be sure the other person’s will close just as fast. So what do you do when you’ve  been pissed off? Still start friendly: “Let’s sit down and understand why we differ.” It’ll calm your adversary, and you can resolve the issue. As Lincoln once said: “To win a man to your cause, first convince him you’re his sincere friend.”

14. Get the person saying “yes, yes” immediately. Don’t begin by discussing differences. Emphasize where you agree. Don’t have the other person say “no.” “No” is the most difficult obstacle to overcome, because she’ll feel like she’s gotta stick to it. Get her in the habit of “yeses.” And you lead her to your point of view more easily.

15. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. You don’t win others to your way of thinking by doing all the talking. Ask them questions. Let them let you tell a few things. To be understood, understand first.

16. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. If the idea comes from within them, they’ll have more faith in it.

17. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view. If a person is wrong, don’t condemn him. Try to understand them. Put yourself in his place.

18. Be sympathetic to another person’s ideas and desires. Wanna know how to stop arguments, eliminate ill-feeling, create good feeling, and have the person listen to you? Then tell them: “If I were you I would feel just as you do.” Again, put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Really get where they’re coming from. Then they’ll try to get where you’re coming from.

19. Appeal to the nobler motives. Give a person the benefit of the doubt. Treat a person as second-class, chances are he’ll fulfill that prophesy. See the best in people, chances are they’ll fulfill that prophesy, too.

20. Dramatize your ideas. Just stating a truth isn’t enough. You have to dramatize it. Make it vivid. Make it emotional. The way movies and TV do. Engage not just the mind, but the EMOTIONS too.

21. Throw down a challenge. When nothing else works to win people to your point of view, throw in some competition. A competition always inspires people to want to excel.

PART FOUR. Be a Leader: How To Change People Without Giving Offense Or Arousing Resentment


Leaders don’t tear others down to feel superior. Instead, they lift others up.

22. Begin with praise and honest appreciation. If you must find a fault or criticize someone, begin with praise. After you’ve given the criticism, end with praise. The formula is: “Praise-correct-praise.” The Praise gets them to listen. The correction that comes after the “but” negates the praise. So, end on a positive note. End with praise. That way you lift a person up, rather than tear her down.

23. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. Correcting someone is always dicey. Rather than out-right saying “No smoking! Can’t you read the sign?” A better way to go is: “I’d appreciate it if you guys would smoke outside. Thank-you.” Direct criticism points the finger at them. Feels patronizing. Indirect criticism points the finger at me and what I want. It’s more honest and respectful.

24. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing someone else. When you talk about someone’s mistake, don’t come at it like you’re Mr. Perfect who’s never made a mistake before. Say something like: “You’ve made a mistake, but God knows I’ve made my share of them. We learn by experience…” This way you’re not tearing a person down. It’s easier to hear criticism when the person who’s criticizing admits his faults first.

25. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. No one likes to take orders. Instead of saying “Do this.” “Don’t do that,” a more effective way is: “What do you think of this?” “Do you think this would work?” Again, when the answer comes from the person… rather than from an outside force… it’s theirs. They’re more apt to do it.

26. Let the other person save face. Let’s say you have to let someone go. Few people consider the other person’s feelings. They emphasize their fault. Threaten. Criticize. Embarrass. Alleviate the sting by putting yourself in his shoes, and appreciating his good: “You’ve done such a great job, you’ve got the right stuff…” When the person feels respected, he won’t feel as “let down.” Don’t destroy a person’s ego. Let them save face, even if you have to let them go.

27. Praise every improvement, however slight. When you praise people it inspires them to keep doing that good thing. Abilities wither under criticism. And they blossom under praise. It’s a magic power we all possess… to praise and inspire people’s latent possibilities. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.” But of course, not empty flattery. It must be sincere, it must be honest.

28. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. If you have a worker that hands in shoddy work, don’t bawl him out or threaten him. A more effective way to go  is have a heart-to-heart with him: “You’re such a good mechanic. You’ve done such good work for customers. As of late your work hasn’t been up to your usual standards. Maybe together we can find a way to correct this problem.” Give them a good reputation to live up to.

29. Use encouragement. Make the fault easy to correct. If a kid isn’t doing too well in school, labeling him “brain-damaged” or a “slow-learner” will just give him the belief he won’t do well in school. It just reinforces the behavior. A better way to go is find his gift, play to his strengths, believe in him. When his belief in himself changes for the better… so will his performance in school.

30. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. Let’s say you have to refuse many invitations to do something. Rather than say you’re too busy, a better way to go is to appreciate the invitation  and suggest an alternative. Or if you need someone to do something for you, point out the benefits in it for THEM, not you. People will be more likely to do what you want, if they’re happy about doing it.

Do you see how it’s the same theme repeating over and over again? Treat people with kindness and respect. People want to feel important. Rather than tear them down, make them feel important. ‘Cause everyone is.

This one insight about our human need to feel important was like a huge light going off on inside me. When someone is trying to tear you down, chances are he just wants to feel important. When a person’s bragging and trying to look cool, chances are he just wants to feel important. When a girl’s dressed to the nines and rejects guys, chances are she just wants to feel important. Well, let them feel important for God’s sakes. Maybe now we can all relax.

As for us, now we know better NOT to tear down others. We don’t have to do that to feel important. What does that accomplish? Just leaves ME standing, while everyone else is down. And THAT creates war, ill-feeling, ego. Better to lift others up. That creates peace, good-feeling, growth, connection.

It also makes game so much easier. You can get along with anyone. Because you see they’re exactly like me. All everyone wants is to feel important… just like me.

So, game. Play hard to get. Tease. Be a wise-ass. Please do.  But underneath it all, ALWAYS treat EVERYONE with kindness and respect. You’ll go a lot further if you do.

The look of attraction. It comes from treating her and all others with respect.

The look of attraction. When you treat  her and ALL others with respect, that’s what happens. Making people feel important… it’s just the right thing to do.

Always Make Her Feel Important

“The desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature.” – John Dewey

“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” – William James

“Always make the other person feel important…

All of us want to feel important. We don’t want empty flattery, but we do want recognition of our worth.

So let’s obey the Golden Rule, and give unto others what we would have others give unto us.

How? When? Where? The answer is: All the time, everywhere.” – Dale Carnegie, “How to Win Friends” page 100-101.

This passage has been a revelation to me, so I wanted to share it with you. It applies to me, to you, to everyone, and it especially applies to being more successful with women.

Starting Conversations with Women: Talk in Terms of HER

Arouse in her an eager want

Arouse in her a want

It’s scary to pick women up.

pickup girls at a club

Yep. Scary. Less scary if you know what to say, though. Photo Credit: www.collegecandy.com

What do you say? How do you avoid rejection?

The short answer is… talk about stuff she’d want to talk about.

Check out this story from Mystery.

PART ONE: Initiate an Interesting Topic of Conversation

Louie and Mystery are in a buffet restaurant eating, and 3 girls are eating at a table inconveniently 30 feet away from them.

So, they get some food and discuss a WAY IN. Louie comes up with an “ON THE FLY OPENER.”

He goes in and crash and burns. But, hey, we all gotta go through the pain of losing to start LEARNING and getting good. Right? And we can learn something from what he did.

So, this is what he did.

He carries some cookies to the girls and says:

Louie: Do you have any idea how I can secretly sneak out 16 cookies from this place without getting caught?

Girl #1: Put them in your hood.

Louie: I could do that by throwing them into the air and catching them… cha ching!

Have no idea what that means, but points for being kinda unique.

Then he fucks it up by sitting with them. This makes the girls feel invaded and uncomfortable, because… and here’s the key… he had not yet initiated an interesting topic of conversation, so that they would WANT him there.

But hey, the dude TRIED. Major points for that.

Again, he failed to initiate an INTERESTING TOPIC OF CONVERSATION. Lesson: Before approaching chicks, have an interesting topic of conversation ready to engage them.

Okay, fine. What exactly is an “INTERESTING” topic of conversation?

Excellent question.

PART TWO: Talk about stuff SHE’D like to talk about

People don’t care about what you want. People care about what THEY want.

Don’t worry about getting her to like you. See something good about her, and point this out. Like her first. Talk about her favorite subject. HER.

Think in terms of her point of view, and talk about things from this angle.

The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. Rare is the guy who approaches a woman and talks in terms of THEM, and gives them FEELING GOOD. This guy is so rare, that he’ll stand out. She’ll stop, and take notice.

By talking in terms in her, you’ll arouse in her a want. She’ll want to talk.

Also, being enthusiastic arouses a want in others to talk as well. People connect with that emotion. That’s a cool emotion to connect with, especially for a woman you’d like to get to know better.

Henry Ford:

“If there’s any one secret to success it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle, as well as from your own.”

1. Talk about stuff that SHE’D like to talk about.

2. Be enthusiastic and fascinated. She’ll enjoy talking with you because of how you make her FEEL.

3. Share some insight into who she is. All of us humans enjoy learning, especially if it gives us some insight into who we are.

Talk in terms of her. You’ll arouse in her a want. That’s all you need.

PART THREE: Chick Crack

Here’s some possible topics you can open with.

By the way, this is why Style’s and Mystery’s routines work so well. They were based on the principle of TALKING IN TERMS OF HER.

You only have to pick one or two topics below.

I. Self-Disclose

A. Your Passion

  • My most successful conversation starter was telling a girl straight out that my passion is writing. Benefits: a) She knows who she’s talking with. b) Passion is a feeling everyone can relate to. c) Afterwards, I get to ask what HER passion is. This is what I really care about. I wanna know who this chick is.

B. A Funny or Embarrassing Story

  • Cosmo has an entire column called “Confessions,” which is all about embarrassing moments. What does that tell you? A funny embarrassing story makes her laugh, and shows your human side. (examples: “The W,” “Two Girls Fighting Outside”)

C. Enthusiastic News that would excite HER

  • Article you just read that’s girl-relevant… maybe a new take on cheating, or how girls think
  • Great thing that just happened to you… maybe you just got promoted
  • Cool movie or concert you just saw… maybe you just saw Avengers
  • Cool fact or discovery (like of Google Earth) that totally FASCINATED you

II. “Who You Are” Tests

(Shed some insight about who she is. And actually learn about her.)

A. Shorter Tests. First 2 minutes to “hook” the girl.

  • Make Observations about Her (“The Rings Routine” or “Best Friend’s Test” are examples and even Style’s “Eliciting Values” works here)
  • How Her… and Everyone else’s… Mind Works/NLP Discoveries (“Eye Accessing Cues” or Ross Jeffries’ “Blammo” pattern are examples)
  • Astrology (Ask “what’s your sign.” Have some knowledge about astrology.)

B. Longer Tests. After you’ve “hooked” her (to build comfort and rapport).

  • Palmistry (Brad P’s Palmistry Joke is great here. If you’ve got the patience to actually learn this stuff, good luck haha)
  • Handwriting Analysis, Tarot Card Reading
  • Others: The Cube, The 4 Question Psychological Test, Mystery’s “The Question Game,” Style’s “Secret Self”

III. Girl-Relevant Topics

A. Relationships

  • especially if there’s a lot of drama. Get a female perspective.

B. “Cute” stuff, like Animals and Children

  • Women when they see something small and cute always say: “That’s sooooooo cute!” I don’t understand it. I just go with it.

C. The Unknown

  • Magic, ghosts, the occult, the spiritual. Who isn’t FASCINATED by a little mystery?

D. Fashion

  • Tip: if you compliment her on her fashion, be specific. Insight is the difference between a generic compliment and a genuine one. Asking her for fashion advice works too.

E. Trends

  • Reality TV (i.e. The Bachelor or American Idol), celebrity gossip, pop-culture (movies, music).

So, those are some topics that might be interesting to HER.

PART FOUR: Before and After Starting a Conversation and “The Initial Benefit Statement”

BEFORE you initiate a topic of conversation, NEG HER.

For example you could say something as simple as, “I can already tell, you and I are NOT going to get along.” Laughter breaks the ice. But this special kind of FLIRTATIOUS laughter, creates all-important sexual tension. I’ve got more on this in my article “Flirting.”

AFTER initiating an interesting topic of conversation, ASK ABOUT HER.

This is so important. Don’t be the dancing monkey. Qualify her. It avoids you getting stuck, and moves the conversation forward.

Then when she answers your question, STATE YOUR INTEREST in her. Now she knows why you’re there. And close the deal. Easy cheesy.

By the way, what do the topics I listed above have in common?

They’re emotional. I mean you don’t have to exactly debate passion. That’d be ridiculous. It’s not factual or intellectual. It’s emotional.

And they have to do with HER. That’s exactly my point.

Instead of trying to “get” her, you’re “giving” value to her.

It’s like you’re saying, “Hey, here’s feeling good.” She can take it or leave it. You don’t care, you just wanted to spread some good feelings. Nice.

We usually think in terms of “me.” What I want. Wouldn’t you say it’s hard to bridge the gap to another person that way? Why not then think in terms of them? What they want. Imagine yourself in their shoes.

In sales, there’s something called the “Initial Benefit Statement.” It’s all about how you BENEFIT them. When you approach a prospective client, you must tell them




Do the SAME THING when starting conversations with women.

When you




she’s enjoying herself, because really it’s all about her. She knows who she’s talking with. Then when you state your interest in her, she knows why you’re there.

So, have an interesting topic of discussion ready before you approach a girl. Talk in terms of her. Who cares about “getting”? Just give.

Ahhhhhh. The ice has melted. You didn’t try to “get” her. You were just giving to her.  Photo Credit: http://9ja-dejavu.blogspot.com/2012/03/signs-that-she-is-into-you.html