Strong eye contact turns women on, like in this picture above.
Derek asked me:
Hey man, I have this doubt, well you said that there must be a good eye contact right? So when having this eye contact where should I be actually looking at? I mean, should I be swapping between her left and right eyes? Or should I focus on just one eye? Or should I set my eyes at the bridge of her nose (like between her eyes)?
Here was my reply:
Great question. ‘Cause looking a woman in her eye’s important. Averting eye contact? Says insecurity and makes people feel uncomfortable. Looking someone in the eye? Says you’re listening, you’re attentive, you’re trustworthy. Attractive.
Now, swapping between her eyes might make your eyes dart too much. So I wouldn’t recommend that. Instead, relax your gaze. Put your attention on her. It’s funny, follow that one simple tip, your eyes should take care of the rest.
As for which eye to focus on: we usually look at a person’s right eye. BUT supposedly if you look into a person’s left eye, you’ll into her soul. Why?
The left eye is linked with the right brain. So, if you look into someone’s left eye, they say you look into their true self.
‘Cause left eye’s linked with right side of the brain (intuitive side). Right eye’s linked the left side of the brain (logical side).
Don’t worry about all that, though. Lose yourself in what she’s saying. Your eyes’ll take care of the rest.
Now, if this tip is worthless to you, here’re some “training wheels”:
Look at her forehead, since it’s the closest to her eyes. Gradually work your way to looking her in the eye.
If you’re a numbers guy, keep these numbers in mind: Look into her eyes 30 percent of the time, and 70 percent in her general direction. It’s okay to look away from each other for a few seconds while talking. It’ll still be strong eye contact.
Then when you’re about to kiss her, gaze into her eyes 70 percent of the time. Looking into someone’s eyes for that long means one or two things: aggression or seduction. Hold the thoughts of “I wanna kiss you,” in your head and it’ll be seductive. You can also try the triangular gaze technique.
Before you kiss a girl, use the triangular gaze technique. Look her in the left eye, slowly into her right eye, down to her lips, and back to her left eye. Very seductive.
So, here’s what to remember. If you’re thinking “me, me, me” that’ll come across in your eyes. But if you focus on her, your eye contact will take care of yourself. Forget about “performing,” lose yourself in what she’s saying, and you’ll hold great eye contact.
Lose yourself in what she’s saying, and your eyes will take care of the rest.
Robert Cialdini… professor of psychology… had a fascinating discovery.
Robert Cialdini with his fantastic book “Influence”
We use shortcuts to make decisions. We NEED them cause we’re so bombarded with choices. Especially when it comes to buying things.
That’s the reason he wrote the book. He was SICK of getting duped by marketing. He wanted to figure out what they were doing. How they were INFLUENCING his psychology.
Well, he found marketers used six basic weapons. And these weapons made him WANT buy. As you can guess… even though the book’s about defending yourself from marketers… you can apply these same six weapons to make yourself more attractive to women. That is, if you’ve got a lot of value to offer a woman, but don’t know how to market it.
Let’s check out em out, shall we?
WEAPON #1. Reciprocation.
Give a little, she’ll give a little. Reciprocation. By the way, why couldn’t the people in this picture take their shoes off?
A professor did this experiment: he sent Christmas cards to STRANGERS. He was amazed by the response.
Holiday cards addressed to him from STRANGERS came pouring in. CLIK, WHIRR. Automatically, when these people received something, they wanted to reciprocate. We always want to repay in kind what someone else has provides us.
>>>PICKUP TRANSLATION: Give value first. Don’t open a girl by bombarding her with questions. That takes value from her. Instead, give something of value.
What do I mean by “value”? Benefit. That is, something she can use.
For example, a personality test that lets her learn something about herself. Laughter where she feels feelings of euphoria. Demonstration of social status where if she’s associated with you, her social status will rise. Give her something she can use. That benefits her. She’ll wanna reciprocate and take and interest in you.
So, if you want to learn about a woman don’t start by asking her lots of questions. Self-disclose, but in terms of HER. She’ll feel more comfortable self-disclosing and giving back to you.
WEAPON #2. Commitment and Consistency.
Don’t ask her to give you the whole store. She’ll say no. Ask her to give you small bits and pieces. That’ll get her in the habit of saying yes.
A psychologist staged two different thefts on a bench in NYC. In the first, a guy steals another guy’s radio. 4 out of 20 people stopped the guy who played the thief.
In the second, the guy who owned the radio asked a stranger to watch his radio while he left for 20 minutes. 19 out of 20 people stopped the guy who played the thief.
Why the difference?
The stranger in the second example made a commitment and wanted to be consistent with it. In other words, he made an investment. He complied with the researcher’s request. Once he did that, he didn’t want to appear inconsistent. So, he tried to be a man of his word. He was consistent for good reason.
The only danger with this weapon becomes when we’re AUTOMATICALLY consistent. For example, when we make a commitment to a bad investment. And our pride’s so wrapped up in it, we stick with the loser. To disastrous results.
Like a guy investing in a bum stock. That’s the commitment, or the investment. But all signs show it’s a loser. Does he cut the loser? No, he has to stay “consistent.” Not paying attention to all the red flags. And loses all his money.
When we make a choice, we want to stick by it… even if it might be wrong. There’s something deep in us that drives us… almost obsessively… to appear consistent with what we’ve already done. As Leonardo Da Vinci once said: “It’s easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.”
>>>PICKUP TRANSLATION: Ask her to do something small for you. A small investment. A small compliance request. If you get her saying yes in the beginning, she’ll more likely keep complying.
Perfect example: qualify her. That gets her investing. The more she has to work for you, the more she’s invested in you.
Or, ask her to hold your drink for a sec. Or, ask her to drive to your house. Again, the more you have her invest and work, the more invested in you she’ll be. And she’ll want to be consistent with that.
So, get her saying yes to an “investment” right away. That is, give value to you, yes. But right after, have HER give value. Don’t do all the giving. Have her talk.
Ask for a large compliance request… like a phone number or sex… she’ll say no. She’ll most likely commit to saying “no” to you.But ask for a small compliance request… like a qualifier… she’ll more likely comply. If for no other reason than not to be rude. That’s okay. Have her saying “yes” and she’ll likely commit to saying “yes.”
WEAPON #3. Social Proof.
When people are uncertain, they look at what others are doing. If you’re surrounded by women… and other people… she’ll want you, too.
Here’s another crazy one. Laugh tracks. We all know the canned laughter’s canned. Why do TV execs still use em? Cause the research says they work. The question isn’t why do the execs use it. The question is why do laugh tracks work so well on us even though we know it’s fake?
Because of a third powerful weapon of influence: social proof. That is, we determine what’s correct by finding out what other people think is correct.
There’s an old adage in sales that goes: “95% of people are imitators and 5% of people are initiators. People are persuaded more by the actions of others than by any proof we can offer.”
Laugh tracks are a short-cut to making decisions. We react automatically to partial evidence.
Other examples: baristas putting cash in a tip jar to lure customers in tipping them. Imagine seeing an empty tip jar vs. a partially full one. You’d probably more likely be attracted to tip the partially filled one. Church ushers do the same thing.
Or: night clubs will make sure to have a long line at the door even though the club’s empty inside. Why? To give the appearance this is the place to be.
Or: advertisers use words like “fastest-growing” or “largest-selling.” It’s not about the quality of the product. But how many people are buying it.
The funny thing is we CAN make less mistakes by seeing what other people are doing. The only danger is when we open ourselves to deceit and lies if we don’t look for the FULL evidence… the reality… and think for ourselves.
>>>PICKUP TRANSLATION: Enter a location with women. Instant social proof. If women surround you and look like they like you, other women will think there’s something to you.
If women see others react positively to you, they’ll automatically react positively to you when you approach them. Social proof is one of the most powerful weapons you have in your pickup arsenal. Women want a guy other women want.
WEAPON #4. Liking.
A sincere smile, and a positive energy, makes you more likable. And attractive.
There’s a car salesman in the Guinness Book of World Records named Joe Girard. He makes $200 million a year, averaging 5 cars sold per day he works. When asked what his secret was, he said it was simple: giving em a fair price and a salesman they LIKE. When a person likes you, they’re more likely to comply with you.
But how do you get a person to like you?
According to Cialdini 5 basic things:
Physical attractiveness: There seems to be a “click, whirr” response to good-looking people. They seem to have an advantage in social interaction. Social scientists call it the “halo effect.” Just by being good-looking we’ll assume the person’s kind, smart, honest, talented (even if they’re not).
Similarity: We like people that are similar to us. Whether the similarity is opinion, personality traits, background, or lifestyle. We’re like: “he’s like me. I like him.” So, you’d be more willing to comply with him.
Compliments: One tactic Joe Girard employed was sending a card to his customers each month with a holiday greeting. All it would say on the front is “I like you.” Do you think that such an impersonal statement from a guy who sells cars would work? Oh yeah. We’re all suckers for flattery. Making a person feel good about themselves, and making them feel liked… they’re more likely to like you in return.
Familiarity: The more times you see someone, the more you like him. Because he’s become familiar. We like comfortable. Safe. Familiar. It’s like home. We like the feeling of familiarity. Of home.
Positive association: If you’re constantly giving bad news or talking about how awful something is, you’ll associate yourself with negative feelings. People will associate the negative with you. And because they dislike the negative stuff, they’ll dislike you. However, if you’re giving good news, bringing good feelings, people will associate the positive with you. And like you. It’s not YOU they like or dislike. It’s the feeling they feel when they’re around you they like or dislike. Weird, right?
Physical attractiveness: Groom. Shower. Smell good. Clean breath. White teeth. Exercise. Eat clean. Clean, stylin’ clothes that fit. Good haircut. Erect posture. Strong eye contact. Smile. Doesn’t matter what your genes are, you can make yourself better looking. And more likable on your approach.
Similarity: Look for “me too” moments. If she’s into dogs, and you like dogs, that’s a “me too” moment. Say “me too!” Obviously say this only if it’s true. But find similarities. When you do, she’s more likely to “like” you. Can’t emphasis enough that it’s gotta be honest. Bullshit “me too”s come off as bull-shit, kiss-ass and try-hard. Honest “me too”s only.
Compliments: Open with this: “You guys looked kinda cool, so I thought I’d come over and see what you were like.” Compliments attract. From there call out anything positive you see about her. Again, can’t emphasize enough how much bullshitting doesn’t work. Everyone can smell it a mile away. Compliment, but honestly. One great way to do this? Use specifics and insights. The more details you use (ex: “I like the way the blue matches your eyes”), the more honest it is.
Familiarity: After you approach, leave within a minute or so: “Great meeting you.” When you run into her again, you’re now a familiar face. The more familiar your face becomes to her, the more likable you’ll be.
Positive Association: Always have a positive attitude. No complaining. No talking bad about people (including your ex-girlfriend). Smile. Talk about things that light you up. Be enthusiastic and passionate about whatever you’re talking about. She’ll associate those positive feelings with you, and will want to be around them… and you… more.
WEAPON #5. Authority.
Act like a man of high status. She’s more likely to give you her attention and trust.
There was a TV commercial selling caffeine-free coffee named “Sanka.” Highly successful. Why? Because actor Robert Young counseled Americans on the dangers of caffeine. He recommended decaffeinated coffee. Why would people listen to a mere actor?
Because he used to play a doctor on TV. In the minds of the America public he was Marcus Welby, M.D. And he sold Sanka like crazy.
Here’s another one. A physician once administered ear drops for a patient’s infected right ear. Instead of writing “right ear” on the prescription he wrote “place in R ear.” The highly-trained duty nurse put the number of ear drops into the patient’s anus. Neither patient nor nurse questioned it. The doctor had spoken.
Last one. In 1987, a guy named S. Brian Wilson and friends laid across railroad tracks. They were protesting the U.S. shipping military weapons to Nicaragua. They were confident this would stop the train.
But the Navy had found out about these guys and ordered the crew not to stop. So, they didn’t. 2 of the protesters got away. Brian Wilson didn’t. He had both legs cut below the knee.
However insane the orders, the crew obeyed.
There’s a deep-seated sense of duty to authority within us all. We comply to the wishes of authority even when it makes no sense to do so. We obey in a click, whirr fashion. Authority gives us a shortcut for how to act. Why do we obey authority even when it makes no sense to do so?
First of all, we’ve been trained from BIRTH to obey authority. Parents, school, government, church, jobs train us to submit to authority. When we obey, we’re rewarded. When we disobey, we’re punished. So, it’s in our best interest to obey authority.
Second of all, authority figures often have access to information and power we don’t always have. We CAN learn from them. We CAN learn from teachers wiser than us. And in fact, we’ve often found obeying them DOES lead to appropriate action. So, we form habits to automatically, blindly obey authority.
Third of all, it’s practical to have an authority figure. Authority figures have an advantage for society. They prevent anarchy and chaos. They give us social order. Can you imagine an airplane flying without a pilot? So, there’s a real value to having an authority figure.
Problem is when obeying authority becomes too much of a convenience. Too much of a shortcut in making decisions. We automatically obey. It’s nice, comfortable. We don’t have to think, so we don’t. Thinking takes work. Reacting, being led… much easier.
It’s the mindless obedience that’s paradoxical and dangerous. Authority figures make mistakes. Authority figures sometimes aren’t even really authority figures. Yes, there are advantages to listening to an authority figure. But without thinking, we open ourselves to harm. Whether harming ourselves or others.
Cialdini saw three ways we people automatically assume someone’s got status and authority… without thinking about it, and even if they’re not authority figures. They are: titles, trappings, and clothes.
Titles: Titles like doctor, lawyer, professor. They’re the hardest symbols to get. But the easiest ones to fake. Actors can adopt the mere label and get automatic respect.
Clothes: Certain clothing automatically trigger authority. Expensive clothes carries an aura of status as do uniforms. Look at the uniforms of police, priests, doctors and then the well-tailored suits of successful businessmen. Like titles, these can also be faked, yet trigger automatic deference. Check out this experiment. A guy had asked passersby on a street to pickup some trash. Dressed in street clothes, half the people complied. When he wore a security guard uniform, EVERY person complied.
Trappings: Status symbols like jewelry and cars can give you an aura of authority and status, too. In another experiment, scientists discovered people would wait much longer to honk at a new, luxury car than at an old, economy car. The mere exterior appearance triggered automatic respect.
>>>PICKUP TRANSLATION: High status attracts women in a click, whirr fashion. Much like a great ass attracts us. Here are some ideas how we can translate this into pickup. This list isn’t exhaustive.
Titles: If you don’t have a “status” job, answer “What do you do?” questions in a way that showcases your passion or how you help others. And in your life, actually make that happen. Shifting from the “consumer” mind-frame to the “person who meets needs” mind-frame, you naturally increase your status. Also, when you tell stories from your past, make sure you showcase your positive traits rather than negative traits. The five attraction switches are useful here. (For more on that check out my article on DHV here.)
Clothes: Do NOT dress like everyone else. Dress to stand-out. Like you own the place. Like you’re high-status. Dress for success.
Trappings: I don’t recommend having trappings just to attract women. The “douche bags” are the ones who brag about their new car, their yacht, their bankroll. If you’d like to get a new car, go for it. But don’t brag about it. Then when she gets in, yeah, she probably will be impressed. Whatever. Even better than trappings, adopt high-status body language. For example: Erect posture. Lean back, don’t lean in. Willing to walk away. Strong eye contact. Smile. Lift others up.
WEAPON #6. Scarcity.
Don’t give her the store, either. Add a little veil, she’ll want to see what’s behind it.
This one’s crazy. Dade County in Florida (containing Miami) had passed an ordinance against having any phosphate cleaning products. Suddenly there was this craze for phosphate cleaning products. Miamians turned to smuggling… what seems to be a Miami tradition. There were “soap caravans.” There was hoarding. Some families had twenty-year supplies of phosphate cleaners.
Not only that… because we want what we can no longer have… Miamians came to see phosphate cleaners as gentler, more effective in cold water, better fresheners, tougher on stains. It’s as if to make sense of their desire for something, they assigned positive attributes to it to justify the desire. (p. 251)
Compare this to the residents of Tampa, where phosphate cleaners were allowed. There was no hoarding, no smuggling, no obsessive craze. They saw phosphate detergents for what they were. That they clean, whiten, and pour no better after they’re banned than before.
Here’s another one. Child psychologists had done an experiment on two-year-old boys. They put two attractive toys in two different rooms. In one room one of the toys was behind a short plexiglass. A boy could get the toy easily. In the other it was behind a tall plexiglass. A boy couldn’t get the toy at all.
Well, you can probably guess the results. In the room with the short plexiglass, the boys showed no preference for one toy over the other. But in the room when the barrier was large enough to be an obstacle, the boys went directly for the obstructed toy. They went to the blocked toy three times faster than the unblocked toy.
The Romeo and Juliet story is a third example. Why did they want each other so much that they both committed suicide? Was it their love was so perfect? Or was their passion due to the barriers their families erected against them? My guess is the BARRIERS fueled their heat. Without those, it probably would’ve been your standard teenage puppy love. Yes, I know it’s fiction.
But the point remains. If there’s the possibility we can lose something or we can’t have it, we want it more. When we get it, the want… and romantic feelings… cool. Barriers, and fear of loss, make us want things more.
Marketers and sales people use this technique on us all the time:
“There’s only five left! Get yours before supplies run out!”
“If you don’t buy in the next three days, it’ll be gone forever!”
“You can make great profits, but you’ve lost the opportunity to invest. Wait hold on! There’s one last chance to invest. Do it now before you lose this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity… forever!”
Most of the time the scarcity weapon they use on us is bullshit. They say it to manipulate us into buying without thinking. They rush us, we don’t think, and we often end up with buyer’s remorse. But there’s something psychological happening here that makes us fall for this. What is it?
When something is gone, or it’s about to go, it creates a want in us. Suddenly it has value. It’s attractive. We’re more motivated by what we can lose than by what we can gain.
For example, health researchers found they got young women to check for breast cancer MORE when they said: “You can lose these health benefits if you don’t a self-exam.” Than when they said: “You can gain these health benefits if you do a self-exam.” (p. 239)
Loss motivates us more than gain. Weird, right? And scarcity’s all about the potential of loss.
There’s another reason scarcity works so well on us. It’s a shortcut to thinking. But instead of “click, whir” it’s “click blur” (p. 243). Scarcity allows us to make a decision about the quality of something without taking the time to examine it. How? Cialdini cites two very interesting theories.
First, scarcity CAN BE a legitimate short-cut to thinking. Things that are hard to get and are rare and are about to become extinct are typically better than those that are easy to get (p. 244). So, the availability of something helps us decide on the quality of something. It can help us to make the right decision.
The second reason is a little more subtle, but still super fascinating. Psychologist Jack Brehm developed a theory called “reactance theory” to explain why scarcity works so well on us. According to the theory, we DESPISE losing freedoms we already have. When free choice is limited or it’s threatened, we react. We fight against the restriction of freedom to keep that freedom.
A great example is one that happened to Cialdini.
He had this beautiful Mormon temple down the street from him. He had heard how beautiful it was inside, but he never had any interest in visiting. He had freedom of access. He knew he had that freedom, so he almost took it for granted.
Then one day he read in the newspaper that renovations had been done to it. Usually Mormons never allow the public to see it, but now for three days they were giving access to the public. Then access would be shut down forever.
Suddenly Cialdini was calling up friends to see if they’d go with him to visit.
His friends were like “Why are you so interested in going?” He didn’t have a good answer until he realized the article had used the scarcity weapon and made him want to go. Why?
According to the “reactance” theory, he was fighting against losing that freedom to see the Temple anytime he wanted. In other words, he was reacting against the interference. That “fighting” stance put a fire in his ass to want to see something he had no interest in seeing before.
So, there’s a legitimate reason why scarcity works. The problem comes when it’s used as bullshit. When it’s used to manipulate us for something we really don’t need. When we get swindled out of our life’s savings… which has happened to people. The inoculation: Thinking before acting… and being aware of the weapon.
>>>PICKUP TRANSLATION: I’m advocating this weapon only to make yourself more attractive to women. It works. But don’t use it just to take from a woman, and leave her with buyer’s remorse. Always leave women better off than you found them.
With that said, if you are to use this weapon ETHICALLY, how do you use it? Be a little bit hard to get. A challenge. Here’s some ideas how:
1. Time constraint: When you approach, let the group know you’re not going to be there long. That you’re on your way out. “I’ve just got a sec…” Your body language can also be a time constraint, too. If your feet are pointing towards the way out… It’s strange and magical, but by being about to leave, it makes people want you to stick around more.
2. Actually leave: In fact, when you approach, you can even actually leave after a minute or two. “Well, it was a pleasure meeting you” and leave. You need nothing from them, just being friendly. Leaving makes you more scarce, more valuable, more attractive. So, give em a taste of something great, but don’t give em everything. That “taste” puts a want in people for more of you.
3. Banter or neg: THE greatest weapon for creating instant attraction. You push her away. You play-fight. There’s conflict, challenge. And scarcity. I wrote a whole article about this called “Flirting.”
4. Make your purpose #1, not women: If you make a woman “the sun” you become like a planet revolving around her. When you make a higher purpose #1, you become the sun. Naturally you become scarce, not always available, and more valuable. Have your own life. Make helping others your priority, not “impressing” women. It’s one of THE most attractive things you can do.
So, those are the six weapons of influence marketers use to get us to buy stuff. Again, we can use them to make ourselves more attractive to women, and stand out from the blur of men that hit on her. Becoming more attractive to women is really just marketing yourself better. For example:
Use RECIPROCATION by giving value first (rather than taking value first, i.e. asking a bunch of questions at the start, giving value, i.e. a personality test or laughter).
Use COMMITMENT AND CONSISTENCY by qualifying, and having her invest in the interaction.
Use SOCIAL PROOF by being friendly to everyone, being seen with women, and seeing that there’s an abundance of women out there (which is the case) rather than a scarcity.
Use LIKING by having a positive outlook, having a clean appearance, finding commonalities, looking for the best in people, and appreciating them.
Use AUTHORITY by acting like a high-status male. That is, being someone who gives value to the world rather than someone who leeches it from others.
Use SCARCITY by bantering, being hard to get, and making your life’s purpose and passion… again, usually involves helping others… more important than getting women.
When it comes down to it, the six weapons applied to women are about being a man of value. But saying that is so vague it doesn’t help you in the real world. That’s why it’s great to keep the six weapons in mind. They’re six ways you can show women outwardly the value you have inside you.
There’s an insight from David Deida that’s similar to this.
A man who knows his deepest purpose in life and gives his deepest gifts to the world is a superior man. As it so happens this kind of man also attracts women. As a byproduct though, not as the goal.
The idea is this. Having purpose seeps into every interaction you have with women: from the approach all the way to how you lead her in bed. She feels your strong purposiveness on an unconscious level, and it attracts her.
Because having purpose is what gives a man his masculinity. And masculinity attracts the feminine, in the same way the north pole of a magnet attracts the south pole.
That was David Deida’s idea at least. And if that’s true… which I think it is… the next question becomes:
HOW do you find your deepest purpose?
Excellent question. And that’s what this post is all about. Deida suggests either sitting in silence and solitude, or challenging yourself, living life on the edge.
And all I’ve gotta say is, Amen to that bro.
But I’ve also found that making a list of goals helps a lot, too. For me, it focuses me. I recently came across a set of questions that really helped me to get clear on my own purpose, and I wanted to pass them along to you, too.
Here they are:
1) What are five things you want to accomplish in the next 3 months?
3) How can you make the goals as specific as possible? For example, instead of saying “I want to lose weight,” a SPECIFIC goal would be “I want to 20 pounds.” There’s something about NUMBERS that makes goals more specific. Makes them measurable at least.
4) What’s the deadline? That’s easy. Whatever date is 3 months from now.
By the way, why have a deadline?
Makes the difference between “Someday it would be nice to…” to driving the goals to COMPLETION.
5) What’s my action plan? What do I have to do each day to drive the goals to completion? So, if your goal is to lose 20 pounds, an action plan might be working out 6 days a week for 20 minutes and eating within 2000 calories per day.
Action Plan #1. ________________________________________________________________
Action Plan #2. ________________________________________________________________
Action Plan #3. ________________________________________________________________
Action Plan #4. ________________________________________________________________
Action Plan #5. ________________________________________________________________
Then do that activity EACH DAY. Each tiny little shovel of dirt each day moves mountains.
Once you complete those five goals, you get to make a new set of goals. Yipee! Haha
And here’s another great tip I learned from Eben Pagan, the guy behind David DeAngelo. Do whatever is the MOST important goal on your list… FIRST thing when you wake up in the morning. And make sure to do it for at least one hour of focused, uninterrupted time. No email, phone calls, text messages during that hour. Just focus on that one goal for an hour, two hours if you can, then take a 10 or 20 minute break. That way if anything gets you off track during your day, at least you’ve got that important thing done already. This has personally helped me A LOT to actually get my goals done.
6) What motto might inspire you to stay on track? “Now is the time, not later, but now?” “Drive to Completion?” “Just Do It?” “Nose to the grindstone?” “Stick with it until I get it?” “Keep it simple?” Some other motto? I’ve been writing a motto that inspires me next to my list of goals. This helps, too.
Then I read those goals daily, morning and night if I’m good. I’m not always perfect at it though. And I don’t always like reading them either. Some days I’ll even say to myself “is it really necessary to read my goals today? I already know what they are.”
But when I read them anyway, I’m always glad I do. Only takes five minutes… or less. It gets the focus back. Reminds me of the big picture. Keeps me on track. And makes it so the goals actually become something like a self-fulfilling prophesy.
One last awesome question I want to share with you.
7) What’s the larger vision of your life? For example, what will your life look like 3 years from now? What will you be doing for a career? Where will you be living? How much will you make in month?
And this can be WHATEVER the hell you want to be. If you hear a voice that sounds vaguely like your friends and family that say “can’t” or “impossible” or “stupid” (I hear it all the time) SQUASH THAT MO FO! Replace the phrase “I can’t” with the question “how can I?” It totally shifts your consciousness from impossible to possible. I learned that piece of gold from Robert Kiyosaki (“Rich Dad Poor Dad”).
Anyway, this question is a lot of fun to answer because you get to let your imagination run free.
By the way, speaking of your larger vision, something I learned from Michael J. Fox of all people: He said he was happier, more awake, and more alive when he was helping the world become more aware of “Parkinson’s Disease” than when he was a big movie star with like six porsches.
What I took from that is: it almost seems like a person’s happiness is connected with something that’s larger than the self. Something that allows you to give back to the world in someway.
So, maybe your larger vision will revolve around this, giving your gifts to something higher than the self?
Now that doesn’t mean being a self-righteous crusader or sacrificing your self for others. Just the opposite. It means making yourself strong first (read: lighting yourself up from within) so you can’t help but shine your light to to the world.
It’s like one of my favorite quotes, which comes from Gil Bailie: “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
And didn’t Jesus say something similar this, too? Something about not putting your light under a bushel, but to let it shine let it shine let it shine? Another one of my favorite quotes, this time from Marianne Williamson in her book “A Return To Love,” reminds me of Jesus’s saying: “And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”
I think that’s what having the larger vision is all about. Giving your deepest gifts to the world.
I know I just went off there. But this point means a lot to me. And what was my point?
Just that making a list of goals and breaking them down into daily action steps has worked WONDERS for me. It’s been a life changer. It’s helped me to get my life on track. So, I wanted to share it with you.
Try it out. You’ll love it. Your deepest purpose becomes clearer, and you already start giving your deepest gifts to the world. Having purpose makes us more masculine. Again the byproduct (not so much the goal) is you attract women, too.
I know they say don’t judge a book by its cover, but a good looking cover doesn’t hurt… especially when it comes to attracting women.
I mean, seriously, you can like fuck up your approach… and lose steam 15 minutes in… but if you’ve got a great presence, the girl will still be interested in you. I got this concept of “presence” from Brad P.
Part of having a great presence is taking care of your body (other parts: body language, fashion, grooming).
Anyway, the reason I’m even bringing all this up at all is because I just found out I passed my personal trainer final exam. I’m now a certified personal trainer! Puh-Pow
In celebration, I wanna share some stuff I learned along the way about getting fit and staying fit.
Yes, yes, I know. Personality attracts women more than physical looks. You’re absolutely right. But like I said, having a nice physique doesn’t hurt either.
For one, women read into things. They’ll ask, “What does this guy’s physical appearance SAY about him?” Where we’re like “Ooh, nice tits,” they’re like “He’s wearing white socks with black shoes… what’s THAT say about him?”
So, if you’ve got your health handled, what message do you send? Exactly. You’ve got your life handled, too. That’s attractive.
For two, more important than attracting women, getting a nice body is important because, well, the woman is kinda right. Get your health together, and it’s a good sign you’re getting your life together, too. Making time to exercise and eating right honest-to-God helps you get your whole LIFE into shape.
For three, a woman who takes care of herself is attractive to us…
Same damn thing for them.
And for four, probably the best part of it all, getting your health handled gives you an added strut of confidence to your inner-game. Sweet.
Oh, one last thing before I spill the good stuff.
I got my certificate through ISSA (Internal Sports Science Association)…
There’s a lot of places to become a trainer, but most of them are crap. There’s only five or seven places that’s recognized as credible… and ISSA is one of them. The textbook I had to read was 600 pages and my final exam was a practicum (110 pages of written) and 200 multiple choice questions. They’re serious.
So, here’s the good stuff. You only really need three things to get a kick-ass physique. They are:
1. Right Food
2. Right Exercise
I just put that there because that’s a nice looking stomach. Plus the words are kinda true too.
Eat right AND exercise consistently. You’ll get damn good results from that. No short cuts or magic bullets. Just good old fashioned work. Then, if you wanna keep the results you got, make all this a lifelong habit.
Now let’s take each of these three things and break it down.
I remember this one time I was trying to lose weight and I exercised every day. After about a month or so I was the same weight. I was like “what the hell?” Then I looked at what I had been eating.
Um, no wonder I wasn’t losing weight.
Exercise all you want, but if your diet sucks, you ain’t gonna be losing any weight.
Not only that, I had this girlfriend once who told me she ate whatever she wanted while exercising and she lost weight. Yeah, right. But let’s say the miraculous happened. Guess what happened after she stopped exercising? Welcome back thirty pounds!
Abs are made in the kitchen. 70% of losing weight and keeping it off is in what you what.
How do you eat right? Here’s the Top Ten List I follow.
1. Find Out How Many Calories Your Body Burns A Day, and Eat Within That. Here’s a way you can figure this out right now:
STEP 1: Calculate your Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR). If you were to lay down all day and do nothing, this is the number of calories you would burn. It’s the basic amount of calories you need to be alive: breathe, pump blood, grow hair, blink.
_________________ (Your Body Weight) x 10 = _________________ (BMR in calories)
STEP 2: Calculate your daily activity burn. These are the calories you need for your daily movement, but without the exercise.
STEP 4. Find your energy amount in the table below to determine your daily caloric needs.
Your Energy Amount
1,800 – 2,399
2,400 – 2,999
YOUR DAILY CALORIC NEEDS = ______________________
Eat that amount in calories each day.
It’s a numbers game. Expend more calories than you consume, you’ll lose weight. 3,500 calories make up a pound of fat. Burn 200-300 of these fat calories a day, and you’ll get there. It’ll take some time. 90 days of this and you’ll see awesome results.
Oh, and by the way, as you lose weight, your daily caloric needs will change. So, recalculate when necessary.
2. Eat 5- 6 Meals a Day. Divide “Your Daily Caloric Needs” by either 5 or 6. Eat that many calories for each meal.
The idea is simple. When you eat a lot of small meals throughout the day, your body is working a lot. Your body becomes like a sauna… which burns more calories. When you don’t eat a lot, your body thinks “starvation mode.” Instead of burning the calories, it starts storing them up so you don’t starve later. Your metabolism drops. Eat more meals (each of moderate size), and your metabolism rises.
Think of a horse that grazes throughout the day. They’re lean. Now think of a bear that binges and then goes for days or even months without eating. They’re fat. Same thing with us. By the way, I got that image from Bill Phillips, author of “Body For Life.”
Okay, well, maybe not THAT image, but you know what I mean.
Anyway… to get a lean body you want to be a grazer, not a binger. So, graze. Meaning, eat a small meal or a snack every 2 hours (no more than 3 hours). That’s about how long it takes for your body to digest a meal.
Here’s another reason to eat 5 – 6 “meals” a day. There’s less of a temptation to binge. When you let a long time pass between meals, don’t you get super-hungry? I do! I mean, after starving yourself, you can’t even help it. You WANT to binge. But if the time between your meals is small, like two hours, you’re more likely to eat a moderate meal. It’s all about moderation.
That’s one of my favorite sayings by the ancient Greeks: “Everything in moderation.” It’s here in America, land of “Super-Size,” where our food portions are so huge. Everything is either Jumbo Size, Super Size, Extra Large or a Double Big Gulp. But our bodies just don’t NEED that much food. It feels weird at first to stop eating when you’re full. But that’s the secret. Eat only as much as you NEED.
I’ve got a great story about this.
A college girlfriend I had, who may or may not have been a little chubby… and who I may or may have expressed I wanted to breakup (not because of the weight) before we left for summer break… came back after the break not chubby anymore. I was like “holy shit!” I asked her how she did it. She said she had listened to her body. She said when her body said it was full, she stopped eating. And she looked great. We still broke up. But that’s another story.
3. For Each Meal Eat Carbs, Protein, and Fat.
It’s not just the quantity of calories that matters though. The QUALITY of proteins is just as, if not MORE important. What does that mean? In EACH meal/snack eat protein, carbs, and unsaturated fat.
Let’s take each one of those groups.
First, carbs. They are THE primary source of fuel. If you don’t eat enough carbs, your body will eat your fat deposits. That’s why the Atkins diet can work at first. The only thing is after your body eats fat, if it still doesn’t have carbs to chow down on, your body starting chowing down on your muscle (and other protein) for fuel. That’s why the Atkins diet can be so damn dangerous. You might lose a ton of weight at first, but chances are high you’ll lose muscle, too.
Another girlfriend I had (man I’m talking a lot about my girlfriends here, huh) told me a story I’ll never forget. She had cut protein out of her diet to lose weight. I can’t remember why. Maybe she was a vegetarian or something. I don’t remember. Anyway, when she noticed she was losing hair, that’s when she decided to starting eating protein again. Hair is made out of protein after all. After she put protein back into her diet, her hair grew back. Thankfully.
Which brings us to the next thing we need in our diet. Protein.
Your body is constantly changing. In 3 months you’ll have a new skeleton, in 5 days a new stomach lining, in 6 weeks your cells in your liver are replaced, in 1 month you’ll have new skin, and in a year 98% of your atoms will be replaced. Now, where does your body get the stuff to replace the old cells with? From the food you eat. Specifically, PROTEIN. Protein is made up of amino acids. Amino acids build your body.
And if you want to gain muscle? Holy crap, protein is a MUST. You tear down your muscle when you lift, but you need protein to build the muscles back bigger and stronger. Whey protein and cottage cheese (surprisingly) are great sources of protein. So are eggs, white meat, fish, and natural almonds.
Finally, we need unsaturated fat, too. Unsaturated fat is the body’s second preferred source of fuel (after carbs are used up). They also pad vital organs and your skeleton, make up cell membranes, and they help absorb fat-soluble vitamins like vitamin A, D, E, and K. Stay away from saturated fats, though. They clog the arteries. Unsaturated fat is where it’s at.
But how much of each… carbs, protein, and fat… does the body need?
There’s a ratio I learned from ISSA that’s killer. It goes like this. Eat 3 parts carbs, 2 parts protein, 1 part fat. Now, what does THAT mean?
Imagine a pie and cut it into six pieces. Three pieces would be carbs, two pieces would be protein, and only one piece would be fat. This is how you can figure out your own ratio right now:
STEP 1. Calculate how many calories are in a part.
STEP 2. Calculate how many calories you need from each nutrient
How many calories from fat
__________________________ x 1 part = _________________ (Fat)
How many calories from protein
__________________________ x 2 parts = __________________ (Protein)
How many calories from carbs
__________________________ x 3 parts = ___________________ (Carbs)
STEP 3. Convert the calories into grams
Fat grams per day
________ (calories from fat) / 9 calories per gram of fat = ___________ (Fat grams per day)
Protein grams per day
_______ (calories from protein) / 4 calories per gram of protein = ______ (Protein grams per day)
Carb grams per day
_______ (calories from carbs) / 4 calories per gram of carb = ________ (Carb grams per day)
STEP 4. Calculate how much of each nutrient you need per meal
Fat grams per meal
________ (Fat grams per day) / 5 or 6 meals = _____________ (Fat grams per meal)
Protein grams per meal
_______ (Protein grams per day) / 5 or 6 meals = __________ (Protein grams per meal)
Carb grams per meal
_______ (Carb grams per day) / 5 or 6 meals = ____________ (Carb grams per meal)
Now, make sure to eat that amount of carbs, protein, and unsaturated fat in each meal/snack you eat.
4. Add Veggies to (at least) 2 Meals, And Fruits To (at least) 1 Meal.
This is another gem I got from Bill Phillips, and it works. Add a portion of vegetables to at least 2 meals every day (a portion is the amount of food that could fit into the palm of your hand). Add at least one portion of fruit to a meal every day.
5. Drink 64 Ounces Of Water Per Day.
Here’s a tip I learned from Eben Pagan the world-famous information-business entrepreneur (and the guy behind David DeAngelo). Drink 16 ounces of water when you first get up. Then drink three more of these glasses throughout the day. That’s a total of about 64 ounces of water total each day (4 16-ounce glasses or 8 8-ounce glasses of water total).
In my opinion, the best supplements on the market: Isotonix. Check out the link if you’d like.
This is the reason I consider it the best… and yes, I’m biased.
I take just 3 supplements: multi-vitamin, anti-oxidant (OPC3 or a cup of green tea works), and Omega-3 (for the heart). I also drink protein shakes and eat power bars as “snacks” between breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
7. Cheat Once A Week.
The Rock on his cheat day
Once a week, cheat. Eat WHATEVER you want. Go to town. Have fun. You deserve it. Incorporating some crap actually helps you to keep eating healthy. There’s less temptation for it later.
Plus, after a few months of eating healthy, you’ll compare how your body feels after binging on crap versus eating in moderation. You won’t like it. You’ll feel the difference. And you won’t be able to wait to the healthy stuff. No joke.
So, it’s a psychological trick. Like Carl Jung once said, “What your resist, persists. What you allow to be disappears.” Allowing the crap (once a week, mind you) can actually help it to disappear.
8. Eat Within 1 Hour Of Waking Up. This revs up your metabolism for the rest of your day. That’s why they say breakfast is the most important part of the day. It sets a solid foundation for the rest of the day.
9. Don’t Eat Within 2 Hours Before Going To Sleep. It can give you a belly ache, true. More important, it allows your body to burn off fat while you sleep, instead of the food you just ate. Your metabolism obviously slows down while you sleep, so the chances of your body storing the food you just ate as fat are higher, too.
10. Journal Your 5 -6 Meals At First Until It Becomes A Habit. When starting out, it helps to keep a food journal each day. It ensures you eat 5 -6 times a day, keeps you accountable, and helps to establish a eating habit that lasts the rest of your life. I made a link to a food journal that you can download at the end of this post. Check it out.
Now, here’s the flip side to eating right. You’ve gotta exercise, too.
Another time, way back before I discovered what an exercise was, I was trying to lose my McDonald’s Coca-Cola Belly. ALL I did was eat below what my body burned in calories per day.
And that worked. I did lose weight. But…
…I had no muscle, and no shape to my body.
Muscle changes the shape of your body. Abs are made in the kitchen, yes, but exercise SHAPES your body. And it keeps your body working well and tuned up.
So, how do you exercise? Here’s another Top Ten List. It’s based on the famous “F.I.T.T. Principle” of gym rats everywhere.
1. FREQUENCY: Exercise between 5 – 6 days a week. Rest on the 7th day. Alternate between cardio and weight lifting each day.
If you only do cardio you look like a marathon runner. If you only do weights you look like a body builder. Combine the two you get the body of a gymnast or swimmer:
From what I hear, women like that body the best.
::: Cardio :::
Bill Phillips has a great suggestion for this. Break your intensity into 10 levels. Level 1: sitting on a couch watching TV. Level 10: balls to wall everything you got. You only need like 20 minutes of cardio if you incorporate the higher levels of intensities.
For example, on a stationary bike. Let’s say you do 20 minutes on it. The first 2 minutes: you’re at level 5. At minute 3 you’re at level 6; minute 4 level 7; minute 5 level 8; minute 6 level 9; minute 7 return to level 6. Repeat that sequence three more times. By minute 19 you’re at level 10. At minute 20 you return to level 5.
MINUTE INTENSITY LEVEL
“Interval Training” does a very similar thing. You start at a low intensity for 20 seconds, go to a medium intensity for 20 seconds, and finish at high intensity for the last 20 seconds. You repeat this low-medium-high intensity over and over again with different exercises. Do this for 20-30 minutes. It burns calories like crazy.
Here’s a third way to gauge intensity. Wear a heart rate monitor, and exercise at your maximum heart rate.
What’s your maximum heart rate?
Subtract your age from the number “220.” So, if you’re 30 years old, your maximum heart rate would be 190. If you’re 50 years old, your maximum heart rate would be 170, and so on.
But the best way I’ve found is gauge intensity is to mix lower intensity (to catch your breath) with higher intensities (balls to the wall). You can tell when you’re balls to the wall.
As a general rule, max out between 8-10 reps. That means using weights that exhaust you at reps 8, 9, or 10. (For example when I started out I maxed out with 20 lb dumbbells doing biceps curls at rep 9 or 10 for 3 sets. I’m now at 40lb dumbbells.)
Now, if you want even more size, max out at 4-6 reps. Never do 7. Just kidding.
For calisthenics, like pull-ups and pushups, it’s a little different. For pull-ups a good place to start is 10 – 12 reps. If you can get up to 20 – 25 reps in one set… nice. For pushups a good place to start is 30 reps. If you can get up to 75 reps in one set… again, nice.
The basic rule is whenever a set gets too easy, add more reps or more weights. If 30 pushups are too easy, do 35. If 30 lbs dumbbells are too easy, do 35’s.
When it’s easy, no gains. When you feel the burn, it’s working.
In my workouts, I’ll do at a MINIMUM of 3 sets for one body part. For example, I’ll do 75 standard pushups, 30 diamond pushups and 30 pushups where my feet are on a chair. That’s all for the chest.
::: Cardio :::
You only need 20-30 minutes per cardio workout. Anything over 60 minutes, and you enter “Over-Training” Land, which is counter-productive.
::: Resistance :::
Rest for at least one minute between sets. Your muscles need about that time to recoup enough energy for the next round. Total resistance workouts should take you between 30 – 60 minutes. Again, anything more than 60 minutes per workout, is counter-productive.
::: Cardio ::::
Sky’s the limit here. Biking, swimming, running, plyometrics, basketball… Make sure it lasts for at least 20 minutes, and you’re working up to your highest intensities during your workouts.
::: Resistance :::
I used to be confused about resistance exercises. There seemed to be so many different ones out there. After I did my exam, I realized there are only a few core exercises. Everything else is a variation on those themes. And each core exercise is based on a body part. For example:
i. Biceps: Dumbbell curls
ii. Triceps: Dumbbell extensions, bench dips
iii. Shoulders: Dumbbell press
iv. Chest: pushups, dumbbell bench press
Dumbbell Bench Press
v. Back: pull-ups, dumbbell rows
vi. Quads: Dumbbell squats
vii. Hamstrings: Dumbbell lunges
viii. Buttocks: Dumbbell squats
A little more Eye-Candy for ya
ix. Calves: Dumbbell calf raises
Dumbbell Calf Raises
x. Abs: Crunches
5. Breathe. Exhale during the difficult parts of a resistance exercise, and inhale during the easy parts. Also, don’t tighten your face. This can actually work against you. Make it easier on yourself. Relax your face.
6. Warm-up, Cool-down, and STRETCH. Warm up for 3 – 5 minutes before your workout. Cool down for 5-10 minutes after your workout. During the warmup and cool down, STRETCH!
Brittle things break easier. Elastic things are more durable. Stretching gives you durability. So, it prevents injuries. Also, it gives you flexibility, which makes your body more excellent.
7. Rest. Your body needs to recuperate. Get 7 – 8 hours of sleep.
8. Drink plenty of water. Here it is again. ‘Cause it’s important. Drink 64 ounces a day. This cleans your body from the inside out. It’s got minerals. No poison. And it’s free (unless it’s bottled of course).
9. Consistency is key. If you get off track, no prob. Just keep showing up. As long as you show up you WILL succeed. There’s no such thing as failure unless you quit.
I now see exercise like showering or brushing my teeth. It’s a hygienic thing I do daily. After all, it flushes out toxins, opens my heart, and gets me inside my body. And it clears the mind. The byproduct (not so much the goal) is a great body. The never-ending goal is daily renewal of inner-strength, and care of the self.
10. Track your workouts. I mark each workout I do on my calendar. It holds me accountable, and keeps me on track. Again, I made a link at the end of this post for some workout logs. Please, definitely, check em out.
One other thing before I leave this section about exercise. I learned this really cool thing from ISSA.
We humans aren’t supposed to die at 70 or 80. We’re supposed to live until 110. You can shed 30 years off your age through exercise. A person in their 70s or 80s who exercises is as strong as person who’s 40 or 50. Exercise is the closest thing we have to an anti-aging pill.
Makes sense. If you don’t use your body it disintegrates. If you use it, you keep it sharp and healthy. Exercise is just as important as right eating… and brushing your teeth.
Way, way, way before I learned this stuff, I thought if I exercised a couple of times and ate healthy a couple of times, magically I would get a rippling 8 pack abs and 16″ biceps. Two workouts and I thought I’d see results. I was so sad when I learned that’s not how it works.
When I did learn all this stuff and finally lost 40 pounds and gained some muscle, I asked myself how the hell I did it. When I look back I realize it was because of one thing.
I exercised six days a week and I cut out the crap food… day after day after day. It took me about 4 or 5 months to do, but through CONSISTENCY I finally did it.
ISSA taught me why consistency works.
It’s because the body is so damn stubborn. The technical term is “homeostasis.” That means the body likes to stay the same. So, to get results, it’s simple. Work over and over and over again. That must be why they call it “training.” Through consistency you train your body into a new way of being or a new “stasis.”
So, the first step of consistency is to make the decision to change. The second step is to commit to a plan to get there (see “right eating and right exercise”). The third step is to execute that plan over and over again. Even when you’re tired or sick and don’t want to, exercise 5 – 6 times a week and eat moderately 5 – 6 times a day.
Magically… or not so magically… when I followed those steps, I lost 40 pounds of blubber and gained muscle. Hell, yeah. Same exact thing for you.
Now, let me just say this one last thing. It’s easy to get off track. It happens to me all the time. It happens to everyone. It’s no reason to stay off track though. Just get back on the horse and keep going at it. No need to get discouraged. With consistency or persistency or whatever you want to call it, you WILL win the battle against your body’s stubborn homeostasis. No doubt.
Keep showing up. Over and over again. That’s all it takes.
You can create your program, you can hire a trainer, or… the way I got my head start was doing p90x. It’s an awesome program. I used to be a varsity athlete, and this program reminded me of those intense preseason trainings. It’s also like having your own personal trainer… that you can keep forever.
The down fall is p90x takes about 50 min – 90 min a workout. You’ll have to purchase some dumbbells and a pull-up bar. I mean, that’s not really a downfall because it’s so worth it. Lifetime investment. And if it’s important enough to you to get your body back into shape, it’s very easy to make time for those workouts. Doing p90x was a life changer for me. No gadgets or fad stuff. Just good old fashioned fundamentals that have been around forever. It’s such a solid program.
But if you feel like you don’t have the time, the company that puts out p90x… Beach Body… has some other great programs like “10 Minute Trainer” or “Power Half Hour.” They’re shorter workouts that can also get a good job done, too.
Their website is p90x.com, in case you want to check it out.
Here’s a website, if you want a little more eye candy, I mean, inspiration.
Finally, here’s some Trackers I made that you can use: a food journal and some workout logs.
Again, eat right and exercise six days week CONSISTENTLY… you WILL lose weight and gain muscle. Guaranteed.
Here’s all my routines. Check em out if you’d like.
I know there’s a lot of controversy over using routines. Here’s my take on them.
Without routines, chances are you’ll fall flat on your face. They’re icebreakers. Use them and not only will you break the ice, you can lead the conversation somewhere. Best of all, after using routines for a while, you’ll get to the point where you won’t need them anymore.
Here’s how I organized them all:
PHASE ONE: ATTRACT
A2. Banter/Neg (part 1 of 2)
1. Banter Lines
2. Funny Stories
A2. DHV (part 2 of 2)
1. Your Passion
2. Observations About Her
3. Super Optional “Bubble Gum” Routines
A3. Qualify (part 1 of 3)
1. What’s Beyond Your Looks?
2. Are You Passionate?
3. What Abilities Do You Have?
4. What Interests Do You Have?
A3. Statement of Interest (part 2 of 3)
A3. Isolate or Number Close (part 3 of 3)
1. Isolation Close
2. Number Close
PHASE TWO: COMFORT
Create an Emotional Connection
PHASE THREE: SEDUCTION
Setting a Romantic/Sensual Mood
1. Romantic Questions
2. Ross Jeffries’ Patterns
3. Sexual Subjects
Going for the Kiss
Extract to Seduction Location
END GAME: FOREPLAY AND SEX
I give you routines at every step of the way. They’re organized within the structure that I use… based on The Mystery Method, of course:
A reason for talking with her
Banter within your first TWO sentences. Communicates “I’m not trying to get you”
Initiate a topic of conversation that gives value to her
State your interest in her.
Either isolate her or make plans for a Day 2
Create an emotional connection
Kiss her… but don’t make-out yet
Invite her to a “sex location”
Build anticipation with foreplay
Give her orgasms
Attract first, create an emotional connection second, and seduce last.
If you check these routines out, use the guidelines I give you in how to practice them. I’ve practiced these the wrong way and it just confused me. The wrong way, by the way, is trying to learn too many at once. Hello paralysis. Learn from my mistake. Master just one routine at a time.
And start practicing right now. If you stay on the path being consistent, you’ll become a pickup artist to contend with. Guaranteed. Even better, the whole process will change your life. I know it did for me.
I’ll tell you why that’s an excellent question. Attraction don’t happen just in the words you say.
Words do matter, or course. However, it’s not JUST the words that create attraction. Attraction happens EVEN MORE in the DELIVERY. The subtext. How you speak. How you carry yourself. You sub-communicate to women what you’re feeling inside–whether you’re confident or insecure–in the way you carry yourself.
Deliver your gambits with a lot of hesitation or looking at the ground or talking too fast, and you’ll make women feel uncomfortable. Your sets will crash and burn. However, deliver your gambits with confidence, and the women will wanna keep talking to you. Hello attraction, how are you?
I gotta tell you this quick story about delivery. Haha
As you may or may not know I’m a junior coach for Mystery’s school, Venusian Arts. In our training seminar, Lovedrop told us this story. (Lovedrop was the ghostwriter for Mystery’s bestselling book “The Mystery Method.”)
When Matador (Mystery’s wingman who’s now a famous pickup artist himself) was first learning this stuff he got really frustrated with Mystery. He’d say the exact stuff Mystery would say, yet Mystery got the hottest girls more than him. He couldn’t understand why. So, one night he just mimicked Mystery for the hell of it, the way he talked and all that. To his SHOCK, the hot woman started facing him directly, touching him, asking him questions…
Then Lovedrop told us: “I don’t know if a lot of guys realize how important DELIVERY is. It’s one of the most important things you can learn when attracting women.”
So, what exactly is delivery? It starts with your inner-game. How you feel. What you’re feeling will seep into your words without your knowing it. So, on one end it’s about being calm, authoritative, anchored.
On the other end, it’s about being a great story-teller. Slow down at parts of a story when there’s a lot of suspense. Speed up when there’s a lot of excitement. Act out the dialogue. Put FEELING into your words.
We all know women are feeling creatures. They’re sensitive to emotions. If you feel uncomfortable, she’ll feel uncomfortable. She won’t want to be around those feelings. If you feel comfortable and great, she’ll feel comfortable and great. She’ll want to be around those “feel good” emotions. ‘Cause they’re feeling creatures.
Now, listen to this. Women attract us largely by her looks. We attract women largely by how we make a woman FEEL. Keep that in mind when you deliver gambits. Give her “feeling good.”
But I know saying “feel good inside” isn’t super concrete and practical advice and verges on the airy fairy.
So, check out the master himself at work, Mystery. Watch how he delivers this gambit. Copy him. And it WILL affect the way YOU feel inside. The quality of your approaches will sky-rocket.
The Gambit starts at about 1:47
So what do you think? What works about Mystery’s delivery?
Everyone says he speaks slowly and enthusiastically.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. That really helps. Thanks.
I think it’s more than that.
Notice how he speaks with control and purpose, which allows him to be expressive. If one speaks fast how can one express anything other than fear?
Mystery speaks like a pianist who doesn’t rush to the next measure, but listens to himself play—which allows the pianist to linger on certain spots or on certain colors that are particularly beautiful to him… as if he’s pausing to smell the roses.
Mystery speaks like a soccer player who doesn’t blindly dribble the ball down the field, but lifts his head to see the entire field—which allows the soccer player to see who to pass the ball to or where to go next in the most strategic way.
Mystery speaks like Spider-Man in the first movie where everything slows down for him—which allows Peter Parker to see things so clearly that he ducks Flash Gordon’s punches.
The scene ends at about 1:21
Okay, so maybe this is the same as saying Mystery speaks slowly and enthusiastically. But when I watch him what strikes me is the inner mind-set he has to speak so hypnotically.
He doesn’t seem to be anxious about what others might think of him. He doesn’t think “Do they like me?” “Am I doing a good job?”
He seems to walk step-by-step through the beautiful structure of logic. He enjoys his own journey along the way. Savoring the beauty, emotion, wonder, and fascination of it all seems to be more important to him than what others might think of him.
As a result, he comes across as articulate and clear-thinking, as well as someone with AUTHORITY (veeeeeery attractive), self-control, purpose, and strength (“I don’t care what others think of me” is strong).
All that’s incredibly attractive to women.
So, try this right now. Pick your favorite gambit. Practice in the mirror. And copy Mystery’s style of delivery. You’re like an apprentice artist copying a master until you find your own style/voice. Practice speaking calmly, as well as speaking with enthusiasm and emotion.
Not only will you attract women, but it will make you feel more confident inside.
One key to success with women is not caring what women–or anybody else for that matter–thinks about you. Be who you are. Be the best you can be. And anyone who tries to put you down can kiss your ass.
If you come across a person who shits on you or farts through their mouth and is full of stinking thinking, take a mental vacation from them. Stay away. They’ll discourage you and see the worst in you… because they don’t want you to do better than them. You can’t succeed when you’re in pain, when you’re surrounded by negative people. Walk away.
Here’s a little story.
Once upon a time there was a man, a boy, and a donkey and they were taking a trip. When they came into a town everyone criticized them. “You’re so stupid. Why wouldn’t you let the boy ride the donkey? The poor boy.”
So the boy rode the donkey and the man walked. When they came into the next town, everyone criticized them. “Why would you make the boy ride the donkey when he’s younger and more able? Let the man ride the donkey. You are so ridiculous.”
So the man rode the donkey and the boy walked. When they arrived into the next town, everyone criticized them. “How could you ride the donkey? That’s abusive to the donkey. You are so cruel.”
So neither the man nor the boy rode the donkey. They took off the bags from the donkey and carried them themselves. When they got to a river, they carried the donkey through the river. This proved difficult. They lost hold of the donkey and the donkey drowned.
Moral of the story? Please everyone, you’ll lose your ass.
Take in criticism, and take a hard look at yourself. If the criticism is true, then learn from it. If the criticism is garbage, throw it away. Ultimately listen to a higher standard of truth than all the opinions and half-baked truths that come from people. That still, small voice inside… listen to that. Do the right thing and be the best you can be. Fuck everyone else.
Choose an identity that will make you successful with women
Every single guy has the ability to be successful with women. It’s not that some guys have it and other guys don’t. There’s no gene for success with women. ALL of us guys have it within us. We all have the masculinity that women love.
So what’s in the way of our success?
Well, there’s inner-game issues and outer-game issues.
Outer-game is about all the skills. That’s important. No doubt.
But without the right IDENTITY, or inner-game, all the skills in the world will be little better than a band-aid. Outer-game heals only the surface. But what you believe about yourself, your IDENTITY, will determine your success from the inside out.
Identity is really only a label. Be careful of the labels you put on yourself and the labels other people try to put on you. Give yourself a label that will make you more successful with women. Guess what? Your behavior will become consistent with that label.
Here’s another way of putting it.
People think they can change their behavior.
A smoker tries to quit, an obese person tries to eat less. And they fail. Why?
You can NEVER change your behavior. You have to change your identity first. Change the way you think of yourself. A smoker has to eliminate the label “smoker.” An obese person has to stop thinking of himself as someone who’s “fat.” Change the label first, even if you don’t see it yet, and the behavior will follow. Labels are like a self-fulfilling prophesy.
So, if you think of yourself as someone who’ll never be successful with women, you’ll act like that. But if you change the label and identify yourself with someone who’s irresistible to women, you’ll act more successful with women.
Change your identity first.
Decide who you want to become. And don’t “become” that person. BE that person RIGHT NOW! Now’s the time. Not later, but right now.
Speak, feel, act like a man who’s successful with women.
Now, you might hear a lot of people laugh at you and say no you “can’t” and reinforce those negative labels on you. The closest people in your life, your family and friends, will say these things to you. They’ve known you a certain way and have pigeon-holed you a certain way and they’ll resist your change.
Don’t let them.
YOU define who you are. YOU judge yourself. YOU get to determine whoever the hell you are and what you want. PERIOD.
And if you screw up along the way and get rejected by women, it’s okay. Just don’t let the screwup define you. You can screw up, but don’t be a “screwup.” You can do something stupid, but it doesn’t mean you’re “stupid.” You can do something terrible, but it doesn’t mean you’re a “terrible person.”
If you start to think you’re a “terrible person,” you’ll probably start doing more terrible things. Because that’s your identity. Do you think correctional institutions really correct behavior, or do they just reinforce a person’s identity as a “terrible person”? Don’t get me started. That’s a whole other story.
The point is, the mistakes you make aren’t your identity. It’s not permanent.
Some labels are beneficial, though. If that label or identity that brings you confidence and freedom, it will help you rather than hinder you. If you make your identity one that’s confident and one who knows how to make women feel wonderful… Your brain will figure out ways to make this come true.
So, be actively aware of any deep-seated beliefs about yourself that might be holding you back. So many of us are unconscious of the beliefs that don’t help us. Then ask who you really are at your deepest level. What is that spark in you, that divine flame, that’s been smothered? That’s who you really are.
Once you figure out who you truly are, FUSE with that identity. Step into the body of a man who’s successful with women. And emulate him. You get to decide. The rest is history.
Here’s a video of Mystery in action picking up a Guess model.
Notice that Mystery actively shows that he doesn’t desire her. Other guys often will show how they “desire” her. So to stand out, Mystery does the opposite of “hitting on her.” How does he do this? He does things like walk away from her. Or when she says she’s a model, he says, “you mean a hand model?” He also qualifies her… “is there more to you than meets the eye?”
There’s something in human nature that responds to confidence (confidence here meaning lack of fear) and being challenged.
Also notice how he leads the woman to a quiet spot to talk further. He doesn’t wait. He pushes the interaction forward. He makes things happen.
Yep. Scary. Less scary if you know what to say, though. Photo Credit: www.collegecandy.com
What do you say? How do you avoid rejection?
The short answer is… talk about stuff she’d want to talk about.
Check out this story from Mystery.
PART ONE: Initiate an Interesting Topic of Conversation
Louie and Mystery are in a buffet restaurant eating, and 3 girls are eating at a table inconveniently 30 feet away from them.
So, they get some food and discuss a WAY IN. Louie comes up with an “ON THE FLY OPENER.”
He goes in and crash and burns. But, hey, we all gotta go through the pain of losing to start LEARNING and getting good. Right? And we can learn something from what he did.
So, this is what he did.
He carries some cookies to the girls and says:
Louie: Do you have any idea how I can secretly sneak out 16 cookies from this place without getting caught?
Girl #1: Put them in your hood.
Louie: I could do that by throwing them into the air and catching them… cha ching!
Have no idea what that means, but points for being kinda unique.
Then he fucks it up by sitting with them. This makes the girls feel invaded and uncomfortable, because… and here’s the key… he had not yet initiated an interesting topic of conversation, so that they would WANT him there.
But hey, the dude TRIED. Major points for that.
Again, he failed to initiate an INTERESTING TOPIC OF CONVERSATION. Lesson: Before approaching chicks, have an interesting topic of conversation ready to engage them.
Okay, fine. What exactly is an “INTERESTING” topic of conversation?
PART TWO: Talk about stuff SHE’D like to talk about
People don’t care about what you want. People care about what THEY want.
Don’t worry about getting her to like you. See something good about her, and point this out. Like her first. Talk about her favorite subject. HER.
Think in terms of her point of view, and talk about things from this angle.
The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. Rare is the guy who approaches a woman and talks in terms of THEM, and gives them FEELING GOOD. This guy is so rare, that he’ll stand out. She’ll stop, and take notice.
By talking in terms in her, you’ll arouse in her a want. She’ll want to talk.
Also, being enthusiastic arouses a want in others to talk as well. People connect with that emotion. That’s a cool emotion to connect with, especially for a woman you’d like to get to know better.
“If there’s any one secret to success it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle, as well as from your own.”
1. Talk about stuff that SHE’D like to talk about.
2. Be enthusiastic and fascinated. She’ll enjoy talking with you because of how you make her FEEL.
3. Share some insight into who she is. All of us humans enjoy learning, especially if it gives us some insight into who we are.
Talk in terms of her. You’ll arouse in her a want. That’s all you need.
PART THREE: Chick Crack
Here’s some possible topics you can open with.
By the way, this is why Style’s and Mystery’s routines work so well. They were based on the principle of TALKING IN TERMS OF HER.
You only have to pick one or two topics below.
A. Your Passion
My most successful conversation starter was telling a girl straight out that my passion is writing. Benefits: a) She knows who she’s talking with. b) Passion is a feeling everyone can relate to. c) Afterwards, I get to ask what HER passion is. This is what I really care about. I wanna know who this chick is.
B. A Funny or Embarrassing Story
Cosmo has an entire column called “Confessions,” which is all about embarrassing moments. What does that tell you? A funny embarrassing story makes her laugh, and shows your human side. (examples: “The W,” “Two Girls Fighting Outside”)
C. Enthusiastic News that would excite HER
Article you just read that’s girl-relevant… maybe a new take on cheating, or how girls think
Great thing that just happened to you… maybe you just got promoted
Cool movie or concert you just saw… maybe you just saw Avengers
Cool fact or discovery (like of Google Earth) that totally FASCINATED you
II. “Who You Are” Tests
(Shed some insight about who she is. And actually learn about her.)
A. Shorter Tests. First 2 minutes to “hook” the girl.
Make Observations about Her (“The Rings Routine” or “Best Friend’s Test” are examples and even Style’s “Eliciting Values” works here)
How Her… and Everyone else’s… Mind Works/NLP Discoveries (“Eye Accessing Cues” or Ross Jeffries’ “Blammo” pattern are examples)
Astrology (Ask “what’s your sign.” Have some knowledge about astrology.)
B. Longer Tests. After you’ve “hooked” her (to build comfort and rapport).
Palmistry (Brad P’s Palmistry Joke is great here. If you’ve got the patience to actually learn this stuff, good luck haha)
Handwriting Analysis, Tarot Card Reading
Others: The Cube, The 4 Question Psychological Test, Mystery’s “The Question Game,” Style’s “Secret Self”
III. Girl-Relevant Topics
especially if there’s a lot of drama. Get a female perspective.
B. “Cute” stuff, like Animals and Children
Women when they see something small and cute always say: “That’s sooooooo cute!” I don’t understand it. I just go with it.
C. The Unknown
Magic, ghosts, the occult, the spiritual. Who isn’t FASCINATED by a little mystery?
Tip: if you compliment her on her fashion, be specific. Insight is the difference between a generic compliment and a genuine one. Asking her for fashion advice works too.
Reality TV (i.e. The Bachelor or American Idol), celebrity gossip, pop-culture (movies, music).
So, those are some topics that might be interesting to HER.
PART FOUR: Before and After Starting a Conversation and “The Initial Benefit Statement”
BEFORE you initiate a topic of conversation, NEG HER.
For example you could say something as simple as, “I can already tell, you and I are NOT going to get along.” Laughter breaks the ice. But this special kind of FLIRTATIOUS laughter, creates all-important sexual tension. I’ve got more on this in my article “Flirting.”
AFTER initiating an interesting topic of conversation, ASK ABOUT HER.
This is so important. Don’t be the dancing monkey. Qualify her. It avoids you getting stuck, and moves the conversation forward.
Then when she answers your question, STATE YOUR INTEREST in her. Now she knows why you’re there. And close the deal. Easy cheesy.
Bythe way, what do the topics I listed above have in common?
They’re emotional. I mean you don’t have to exactly debate passion. That’d be ridiculous. It’s not factual or intellectual. It’s emotional.
And they have to do with HER. That’s exactly my point.
Instead of trying to “get” her, you’re “giving” value to her.
It’s like you’re saying, “Hey, here’s feeling good.” She can take it or leave it. You don’t care, you just wanted to spread some good feelings. Nice.
We usually think in terms of “me.” What I want. Wouldn’t you say it’s hard to bridge the gap to another person that way? Why not then think in terms of them? What they want. Imagine yourself in their shoes.
In sales, there’s something called the “Initial Benefit Statement.” It’s all about how you BENEFIT them. When you approach a prospective client, you must tell them
1. WHO YOU ARE
2. WHY YOU’RE THERE
3. WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR THEM
Do the SAME THING when starting conversations with women.
1. NEG (MAKE HER LAUGH) = WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR THEM
2. DHV (INITIATE AN INTERESTING TOPIC OF CONVERSATION) = WHO YOU ARE
3. QUALIFY (ASK ABOUT HER AFTERWARDS) = WHY YOU’RE THERE
she’s enjoying herself, because really it’s all about her. She knows who she’s talking with. Then when you state your interest in her, she knows why you’re there.
So, have an interesting topic of discussion ready before you approach a girl. Talk in terms of her. Who cares about “getting”? Just give.
Ahhhhhh. The ice has melted. You didn’t try to “get” her. You were just giving to her. Photo Credit: http://9ja-dejavu.blogspot.com/2012/03/signs-that-she-is-into-you.html