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The Six Human Needs

Gotta share this awesome insight from Tony Robbins.

Tony Robbins Shallow Hal

Tony Robbins listening to Shallow Hal.

It not only helps with inner-game, it helps with relating with anyone, including… hot chicks. The idea: every human person has six basic human needs.

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The Six Human Needs: Certainty-Uncertainty; Importance-Connection; Giving-Growing

Now, before I dig into these, I’ve gotta share the story how Tony came up with the idea with you. ‘Cause it’s kinda cool.

How Tony Discovered This Idea

Tony had everything: riches, beautiful wife, world-leaders and world-class athletes seeking his help.

Tony Robbins On Stage

Tony was on top of the world but still felt despair.

But one day, before he was to board a plane to help another millionaire through some issues he was having, Tony felt like complete shit. He was like, “how am I gonna  help another when I’m having issues of my own?”

Oh, you’re asking why he was feeling like shit? Just discovered he had a tumor in his brain. Yeah, that’ll dampen your mood. All of a sudden, all the success in the world meant nothing. Because he wasn’t certain he was even going to live.

So, before he left for the airport, he went into the shower trying to figure out how he could shake off this funk he was in. He thought about what was really going on that was paralyzing him. Then he started thinking about what made all the people he met and helped who felt sad across the world from diverse cultures. A pattern emerged.

And he had an aha moment.

Aha Moment

Then he had an aha moment.

He realized everyone, no matter who they are, have six basic needs in common. And if these needs aren’t met, a person won’t feel happy. He could have everything in the world. If one of these are missing, he still won’t feel fulfilled.

Not all the needs were created equally, though. The last two needs are the most important. The first four have to do with ego-needs. The last two have to do with spiritual-needs.

Different people prefer the first four in different orders and in different combinations. They make the ego happy. But it’s the last two we need to be fulfilled (according to this idea at least).

Here they are:

First Two Needs: Certainty and Uncertainty

First, we need security…

Certainty and Uncertainty white pickett fence southern lagniappe

The symbol of security. We all need it.

…and we also need insecurity.

Certainty and Uncertainty Chaos

Chaos. We all need a little unpredictability, too.

Security has to do with knowing you have shelter, food on the table, health. You need basic, survival needs to be met. It’s almost like the first level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs 1

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. The need for security/insecurity seem to correspond to Maslow’s “Basic Needs.”

At the same time, if we have too much security or certainty or predictability, things get boring. So, we also need insecurity as well.

We need variety and surprise to keep us awake, alert, adventurous.

We need both. We need both uncertainty and certainty.

Second Two Needs: Significance and Connection

Second, we need to feel important

Importance and Connection kind-of-a-big-deal

The Anchor Man feeling pretty damn significant. But it’s a need we all have: to feel important.

…and we also need to feel a sense of connection.

Importance and Connection

But there’s so much significance and individuation we can take. We also need a sense of connection, too.

The way philosopher William James put it: the deepest principle in human nature is to feel important.

William James Quote Deepest Principle

The needs for importance/connection (or love) seems to correspond to something philosopher William James once observed about human nature: all of us have a need to be appreciated.

Some examples: Look at us puas. A lot of us who got into pickup wanted to feel important. Tell me if you can relate. Part of us wanted to learn how to attract any woman we want because really we want to feel loved, or even important or appreciated.

Other examples: People who want to be famous want to feel important. People who want to win and get awards want to feel important. Achilles in Homer’s Illiad who chose a short life over a long life wanting glory over an anonymous life as a farmer wanted to be important. Celebrities, millionaires, people with high status, politicians and so forth who have distinguished themselves in some way were probably driven by this need for esteem.

Still more examples: Guys who get into gangs and threaten some poor victim at gun point. Gives them a rush of power. And importance.

Here’re some others: People who brag. People who put down others.

And even people who say please and thank-you and show kindness to each other. They’re all ways to make others or one’s self feel important.

We all need appreciation, acknowledgment, respect, praise, to feel important. Without it, we feel insignificant, like we don’t matter, like we have no value.

However, if we feel TOO important and feel TOO distinguished and TOO individuated, problems also arise.

For example, you’ll hear celebrities talk about how lonely they feel. They can’t even go out into a grocery store without being adulated. They lose a sense of connection.

michael-jackson in disguise

Michael Jackson in disguise. He had so much significance and individuation he felt separated from the world. He’d express feeling loneliness and a longing for connection.

Or a person might be so filled with self-importance, he acts like a prick and treats everyone like garbage. Again, those who murder another for attention and power take this need too far.

Basically, when we feel the distinctiveness of our individual self too much, we lose connection with other human beings. We become separate selves, and that takes us away from love and empathy.

So, that’s the fourth human need. We need love, that feeling of human connection, of empathy, of relationship. This balances out our need to feel important.

Conversely, if we’ve lost too much of ourselves in a relationship and we feel like we have no voice or identity, we need to feel important or a sense of individuation or identity to balance this fourth need out, too.

Again, the first four needs are more like ego or personality needs. They feel good. Different people prefer one of these four needs more than others. One might want to feel important the most. Another might want security the most.

Either way, let’s say we get everything our ego wishes for. Well, according to Tony, we still won’t feel a deeper fulfillment. We could still feel a darkness. And that’s where the last two needs come in.

They’re primary essential. They’re needs of the spirit. They’re what bring fulfillment. Even if we fill the first four needs and have accomplished a shit load, if we don’t meet these last two needs, we’ll still feel lost, unfulfilled, even depressed.

Third Two Needs: Giving and Growing

The last two needs is the need to give…

Actor Robin Williams Helps Build Homes

Giving: we all have a need to contribute. Here Robin Williams is giving to a community by building homes with Habitat For Humanity.

and the need to grow.

Giving and Growing buddha quote love and understanding

And we have a need to grow.

Growing means: learning, improving, becoming more and more aware. Aware of yourself as in the old Socratic saying “know thyself,” sifting away the clouds of ignorance. Awareness is probably the real goal of all spiritualities, religions, sciences, philosophies. If these don’t help us to grow in awareness, they’re useless.

Giving means: showing love, kindness, respect to all life, to your friends, to your enemies. Contributing. Helping others. Serving a greater good than yourself.

There’s an old story about Michael J. Fox. Before he learned he had Parkinsons, he had the fanciest car, the nicest house, money, status, fame. But he said he was unhappy. It wasn’t until he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s and began contributing to a cause larger than himself that he snapped out of his unhappiness, and felt like his life had meaning.

michael j fox in congress

Michael J. Fox once said he didn’t feel a sense of fulfillment until he was making a contribution to society. He said he didn’t get that sense of fulfillment from fame and fortune alone.

There’s something about contributing and loving that breaks us out of the shell of the ego. The shell that the Buddha once said causes all of suffering. Serving a purpose higher than ourselves breaks us from these shackles. That’s one reason why as a pua it’s so important to give back and to always leave a woman better off than your found her, you know treat everyone you come across with love and respect.

But Tony doesn’t stop there. He takes all this a step further. He says you can divide all human experience into four classes…

The Four Classes of Experience: Despair To Happiness

The first class, fulfillment and happiness, is when you meet all six needs. The second class isn’t bad. It’s when you’re feeling pain, but you’re about to make a breakthrough in life, or a transformation. It’s kind of like growing pains. Being in a cocoon before bursting free. But the third and fourth classes is where unhappiness lie.

Here they are:

First Class Experience: you do things that feel good, that are good for you, serves others, and serves the greater good.

Experience First Teaching

The First Class of Experience: feeling good and serving a greater good. Robin Williams’s character from “Dead Poets” society loved teaching and it also served a greater good.

Second Class Experience: you do things that feel bad, but are good for you, serves others, and serves the greater good.

Experience Second Abu

Second Class Experience: painful lessons, growing pains, and doing the right thing even though you don’t want to. Here, Abu from Disney’s Aladdin didn’t want to give his bread away, but he did anyway.

Third Class Experience: you do things that feel good, but they’re not good for you, they don’t serve others, and they don’t serve the greater good.

Experience Third large_junkfood

Third Class Experience: doing what feels good, but not serving a greater good.

Fourth Class Experience: you do things that feel bad, and they’re not good for you, don’t serve others, and don’t serve the greater good.

Experience Fourth Crack

Fourth Class Experience: Doing stuff that doesn’t really feel good and doesn’t serve a greater good either.

Okay, okay, you’re saying. What the hell does this have to do with attracting and succeeding with women? Like I said at the beginning of this, this not only helps with inner-game but also in how to have kick-ass relations with anyone, including women.

How This All Relates To Attracting Women

‘Cause the ultimate attractive man doesn’t sit on the couch munching Doritos and playing video games all day. He makes giving and and growing his priority. He does things that put him into the first and second class of experience.

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Yes, this is here for eye candy. But the words are relevant, too. Right?

And here’s the cool thing. If you feel good from within, you naturally emit good feeling, and you can give “feeling good” to others. When she feels “feeling good” around you, she feels pleasure and links pleasurable feelings with you. And we’re all attracted to pleasure, right? You might even say attracting women really starts from within, from getting your inner-game together.

The other four needs teaches us about outer-game. That is, if you were to consciously meet her first four “ego” needs, you’d draw her to the pleasurable feelings she’s feeling around you.

For example, make her feel important (appreciate her) AND honestly connect with her. Give her a sense of safety, security, protection AND unpredictability, like surprising her, sweeping her off her feet, making her laugh.

What about meeting her two “spiritual” needs?

Well, she can only walk through that door herself. That’s something only we ourselves can do.

Conclusion

Anyway, those are the six human needs. Again, the last two needs can strengthen our inner game. The first four human needs can help us look beyond a women’s physical beauty, and connect to the human being inside her.

If you want to learn more about the spiritual (or “inner-game”) needs of growing and giving I’d recommend these two phenomenal books: “Awareness & The Way To Love,” by Jesuit priest Anthony DeMello, and “How To Want What You Have,” by psychologist Timothy Miller.

As for how to meet a woman’s first four needs, that’s what game is all about.

Flirt and play-fight to meet her need for unpredictability. Build comfort and BE (not just demo) the DHV switch of a protector and survivor to meet her need for security or survival.

Qualify and appreciate her to meet her need to feel acknowledged. Create an emotional connection with her to meet her need for connection.

And let me ask you with these last three questions:

  • What’s something you love to do that helps your growth and serves a greater good?
  • How can you start giving and showing more love to others, rather than just serving the ego?
  • What’s something you hate to do but helps your growth and serves a greater good?
  • What’s something you love to do that doesn’t help your growth or serve a greater good?

Together, you and I, if we can weed out what’s not serving our growth and what’s not serving others… and if we can do more of what serves the greater good… we’ll be on the path towards that first-class kind of experience Tony was talking about.

Then maybe we can share the light we feel inside with any beautiful women we meet might along our way.

Here’s a Ted Talk where Tony talks about these needs. Check it out (about 22 min):

 
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Posted by on September 9, 2014 in Home, Inner, Principles of Attraction, Quotes

 

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Some Fun Pics

Here are some pics I’ve found in my Facebook newsfeed. I enjoyed them so much I wanted to share them with you. They’re all related to being more successful with women, and I’ve learned from them. Hope you enjoy em… and maybe get a thing or two outta them… like I did.

PART ONE. Male – Female Differences.

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PART TWO. Relationship Stuff

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PART THREE. Success

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PART FOUR. On Being a Better Man

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Posted by on July 28, 2013 in Fun, Home

 

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Quote – Wayne Dyer

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From a higher place – peace. Ego aside.

I came across this passage the other day. Struck me. Wanted to share with you.

“Your highest self only wants you to be at peace. It does not judge, compare or demand that you defeat anyone, or be better than anyone. It only wants you to be at peace. Whenever you are about to act, ask yourself this question: “Is what I am about to say or do going to bring me peace?” If the answer is yes, then go with it and you will be allowing yourself the wisdom of your highest self. If the answer is no, then remind yourself that it is your ego at work.

“The ego promotes turmoil because it wants to substantiate your separateness from everyone, including God. It will push you in the direction of judgment and comparison, and cause you to insist on being right and best. You know your highest self by listening to the voice that only wants you to be at peace.” – Wayne Dyer, “Manifest Your Destiny,” p. 21.

Getting ego out of the way helps you get along with any person you meet. Including women.

 
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Posted by on July 22, 2013 in Home, Quotes

 

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Video: Will Smith on Success

I love these clips below, and wanted to share them with you. It doesn’t take some special “talent” to succeed with women. It takes work. Any guy can have success with women with enough persistence.

 
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Posted by on February 17, 2013 in Home, Videos

 

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Lessons from Tucker Max

tucker-max

I’ve been reading “Hilarity Ensues” by Tucker Max, and I came across something that my brain really grabbed hold of, and I had to share it with you. It’s about the aha moment that helped him become more successful with women:

“Before I got to Cancun, I’d gotten my little pencil wet plenty of times, so I thought I knew how to get girls and I thought I understood women. I didn’t. Cancun taught me that all my assumptions were completely, totally wrong.

I got laid and had fun before I went down there, but only in spite of myself, not because I knew what I was doing. Cancun taught me the two big life lessons that have guided me since, the two things I always tell people when they ask for life advice:

1. Be honest: I wasn’t really a liar back in America, but I was no different than any other young stupid guy trying to get ass; I thought you had to “convince” or “persuade” women to fuck you, and it was their job to kinda resist and make you work for it.

In Cancun, doing anything other than being direct and telling the truth was a complete waste of time. In Cancun, everyone let loose and did the things they wanted to do–getting drunk, fucking, being a little reckless–but were afraid to do in America. They felt safe letting go because it was Mexico; as if it didn’t count down there. Girls wanted to fuck, and here, as opposed to America, they were honest about it. Complete honesty worked way better than telling girls what you “thought they wanted to hear.”

But it was more than that. Being honest wasn’t just about telling the truth and being direct to girls–it was also about being honest to myself, and owning everything about who I was. I wasn’t looking for anything serious in that point in my life, I just wanted to get drink and fuck a bunch of different girls. Once I figured that out and admitted it to myself–which I hadn’t done in America, but did do in Cancun–everything changed. By being honest with myself about what I wanted, it freed me up to be honest and direct with girls… and as a result, I got way more pussy with much less effort.

2. Don’t worry about results, just have fun: There were so many girls in Cancun, it was hard not to get laid. Because I knew I had pussy locked down basically any time I wanted it, I stopped worrying about it. I didn’t stop caring whether I got laid or not, but I did stop caring about any specific girl. By releasing my desire for any specific girl, no girl’s pussy had a hold on me anymore, and as a result I had more fun and was more fun to be around. This took some practice at first–I’m not the fucking Buddha–but when I finally got the hang of it, a miraculous thing happened: I couldn’t beat the pussy off with a stick. Ten times the girls with 10% of the work, all because I just had fun and didn’t care what any specific girl (or person) thought or did.

Once those things combined in me–complete honesty and not caring about the results–the world changed overnight…”

Granted, this is easier said than done.

Honesty. Honest with yourself, about your desires, and honest with her. What’s interesting is, this means you don’t have to hide your desires. I know the Mystery Method is all about the indirect approach, but it’s okay to be honest with her. In fact, this is the way to be with her, with everyone, with yourself.

And not caring whether you get laid or get attraction, or get approval from her, but doing the right thing… HUGE.

I’m still working on all this stuff. It’s stuff that’s been changing my life. And it’s THE stuff that has helped me–and still helps me–be more successful with women. But as a byproduct, not the goal.

It’s paradoxical. Who cares if you get girls? That attitude attracts ’em. But honest-to-God, not care if you get her. Women aren’t the highest thing in this world. They don’t decide your worth. They’re human beings like you and me. Women aren’t #1. Reality is.

 
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Posted by on January 18, 2013 in Home, Principles of Attraction

 

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My Routines Collection

Here’s all my routines. Check em out if you’d like.

I know there’s a lot of controversy over using routines. Here’s my take on them.

Without routines, chances are you’ll fall flat on your face. They’re icebreakers. Use them and not only will you break the ice, you can lead the conversation somewhere. Best of all, after using routines for a while, you’ll get to the point where you won’t need them anymore.

Here’s how I organized them all:

  • PHASE ONE: ATTRACT
    • A1 Open.
      • 1. Direct
      • 2. Indirect
    • A2. Banter/Neg (part 1 of 2)
      • 1. Banter Lines
      • 2. Funny Stories
      • 3. Kino
      • 4. Contingencies
    • A2. DHV (part 2 of 2)
      • 1. Your Passion
      • 2. Observations About Her
      • 3. Super Optional “Bubble Gum” Routines
    • A3. Qualify (part 1 of 3)
      • 1. What’s Beyond Your Looks?
      • 2. Are You Passionate?
      • 3. What Abilities Do You Have?
      • 4. What Interests Do You Have?
    • A3. Statement of Interest (part 2 of 3)
    • A3. Isolate or Number Close (part 3 of 3)
      • 1. Isolation Close
      • 2. Number Close
  • PHASE TWO: COMFORT
    • Create an Emotional Connection
  • PHASE THREE: SEDUCTION
    • Setting a Romantic/Sensual Mood
      • 1. Romantic Questions
      • 2. Ross Jeffries’ Patterns
      • 3. Sexual Subjects
    • Going for the Kiss
    • Extract to Seduction Location
  • END GAME: FOREPLAY AND SEX

I give you routines at every step of the way. They’re organized within the structure that I use… based on The Mystery Method, of course:

  1. A reason for talking with her
  2. Banter within your first TWO sentences. Communicates “I’m not trying to get you”
  3. Initiate a topic of conversation that gives value to her
  4. Qualify her.
  5. State your interest in her.
  6. Either isolate her or make plans for a Day 2
  7. Create an emotional connection
  8. Kiss her… but don’t make-out yet
  9. Invite her to a “sex location”
  10. Build anticipation with foreplay
  11. Give her orgasms
  12. Afterglow

Attract first, create an emotional connection second, and seduce last.

If you check these routines out, use the guidelines I give you in how to practice them. I’ve practiced these the wrong way and it just confused me. The wrong way, by the way, is trying to learn too many at once. Hello paralysis. Learn from my mistake. Master just one routine at a time.

And start practicing right now. If you stay on the path being consistent, you’ll become a pickup artist to contend with. Guaranteed. Even better, the whole process will change your life. I know it did for me.

Let me know how it goes. And best of luck.

Yours truly,

Renaissan

 
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Posted by on October 28, 2012 in Home, Routines

 

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How to Keep a Relationship Alive

I was listening to a David DeAngelo interview with a guy named Gay Hendricks about what makes a successful relationship.

Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks

Gay Hendricks is a psychologist with a PhD from Standford. He’s written a lot of books on the subject of relationships and the mind-body connection. 25 of those books were written with his wife, who’s also a psychologist. They got some acclaim when Oprah featured them together on her show. And ever heard of the underground classic “Radical Honesty“? He helped Brad Blanton publish that book. But his best credential is probably that he’s been married for like 30 years and he and his wife are still in love.

His take was it takes 3 things to keep a relationship alive.

1. Complete and total honesty. Most of us humans walk around the world deceiving others and deceiving ourselves. If you’re completely honest with her, and she’s honest with you, neither of you hide. Instead, you allow yourself to be seen completely. Transparent. That’s how you get intimacy. And that’s how you get communication.

2. Take responsibility for your own actions. We humans are also quick to criticize, point the finger and find fault with each other. We do all that before we look at ourselves and see our part in things. It always takes two to tango. If something goes awry, it’s not that she’s a bitch. You had your part to play in things. Before blaming or criticizing, look to yourself first and learn what you could have done better. She must do the same. This creates a positive environment, not a negative one. Who wants to be in a negative environment? Create a positive environment. Don’t criticize. Rather, see her good, and take responsibility for yourself.

3. Have your own life, and always seek to grow. A good relationship is one where both people can develop as human beings. Seek to grow continuously, and find a woman who wants to grow and develop herself continuously, too. Otherwise the relationship will become co-dependent and will choke you and her. Love your woman, but love her second. Don’t make your relationship #1. She’ll feel smothered. Make your deepest purpose in life #1.

4. I’d add a fourth thing: sex. Woody Allen said it best: “once the sex goes, the whole relationship goes.” Without sex, what do you have? Exactly. A friendship. Sex is a super-glue. It keeps a couple together, and it keeps the passion alive. Sex is communication. It creates physical intimacy and unity that words alone can never accomplish.

A lot of people when they get into a relationship, think all the work’s been done. Why put the effort in anymore? They stop stop looking or being their best, most attractive selves. Everything you did to win your woman by putting your best foot forward, NEVER STOP DOING.

Keep creating sexual tension, keep being interesting and being the man, have a life outside the relationship, and don’t ever stop being that obnoxious couple. Once you stop, that’s when the relationship goes south. Keep creating those wonderful feelings you felt at the beginning of a relationship. And keep seeing the best in her.

The poet-artist Kahlil Gibran

Kahlil Gibran, Lebonese Poet & Artist, 1883 – 1931

talks about relationship and space in the chapter “On Marriage” in his book “The Prophet.” Here marriage refers to relationships, too:

Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillar of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadows.

Painting by Kahlil Gibran

 

 
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Posted by on October 14, 2012 in Home, Relationship Maintenance

 

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