How To Be THE Man

1. Who cares what people think of you?


Anthony DeMello, Jesuit priest (1931 – 1987)

Make serving a higher purpose more important than pleasing women. It makes you waaaay more attractive. Check out this great quote from Jesuit priest Tony DeMello:

“Having a lot of money has nothing to do with being a success in life. You’re a success in life when you wake up! Then you don’t have to apologize to anyone, you don’t have to explain anything to anyone, you don’t give a damn what anybody thinks about you or what anybody says about you. You have no worries; you’re happy. That’s what I call being a success…

(Those who are worried what people think of them–even if rich and famous)… are controlled, so manipulated. They are unhappy people, they are miserable people. They don’t enjoy life. They are constantly tense and anxious. Do you call that human? And do you know why that happens? Only one reason: They identified with some label. They identified the “I” with their money or their job or their profession or (what women thought of them).”

-Anthony DeMello, “Obstacles to Happiness” in Awareness

2. Social Freedom.


Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Genevan philosopher (1712 – 1778) famous for these words: “men are born free, but everywhere they are in chains.”

Related to the first.

We’re all born socially free. But we got bound by social chains of “you can’t do this,” esteem, hurt feelings, limited thinking, insecurities.

The key to success in pickup is to break free from this anxiety and be socially free again. The way we already were as kids.

In fact pickup is one way to free us from these chains. EACH ONE OF US has freedom already. We just have to reclaim it.

Think Jim Carey in The Mask. He transforms from Mr. Nice Guy into a fearless invincible guy when he put on The Mask. The Mask released his id from his super-conscious. He was free  from “you’re not supposed to this.” Total non-self-consciousness. More powerful as a result.

What other people think of me? Screw that. Just do the right thing. Be friendly and give love to EVERYONE. That’s higher than what people might think of me.

Freedom makes you stronger. And attractive. Check out this example below. When I think of social freedom, it’s what I think of.

3. Be the selector


David DeAngelo, author of “Double Your Dating.” He’s famous for the revolutionary technique: “cocky and funny.”

From David DeAngelo, page 10 – 11 in Double Your Dating:

“Females select males most of the time in nature…

“Sooooooo… when talking to women… point out that you are the selector and not the selectee… It points out something to the woman that she’s most likely NEVER HEARD FROM A MAN IN HER ENTIRE LIFE.”

It’s such a simple, but profound insight in how to create attraction in women.

Later in the book David DeAngelo also says:

“(Helitzer) said (in “Comedy Writing Secrets”) that most of being funny is the CHARACTER and not the jokes.

“The lines didn’t much matter, as long as they fit in with the character. Now that I have created this CHARACTER for myself, things are all different. Women now call me. They pursue me. They want to be around me. It’s strange and magical and weird.”

(page 52)

PLAY the CHARACTER of THE SELECTOR. You play the high-status male. And she’s chasing YOU. Creates a masculine-feminine sexual charge. She laughs. But in every joke, a kernel of truth in it. You’re high-status, she’s-chasing-you. All said on the subconscious level. Creates attraction.

Just playing like kids in a sandbox. But with spice. And masculine-feminine sexual undertones.

4. Be Dominant


Don’t put a woman on a pedestal. Don’t kiss her ass. Don’t spend hordes of money before she’s had sex with you. Don’t put up with her bitchy behavior.

Women WILL take advantage of you. Disrespect you. Resent you… if you do.

Women want a guy who’s in charge. A guy who expects her to carry her own weight. A guy who doesn’t reward her bad behavior. A guy who draws boundaries.

A MAN who’s in control of himself, the situation, and her (NOT an oppressive dictator, but with respect).

Next time you’re talking to a woman, and she starts looking at her phone or  leaves you out say this. “Hey, party’s over here.” OR “Introduce me to your friends, it’s the polite thing to do.” (Credit: Tyler Durgen for first line. Mystery for second line.)

She’d be like: “He won’t let me get away with my bullshit. I can respect him.”

Be the dominant one. Let her be the cute one. These masculine-feminine roles are THE key to attracting women.


5. Be Decisive

Decisiveness is Good for Your Health 2012 8-31 1hasmadeyousterileCOLCP

Sometimes people will criticize you for making the wrong decision. So we fear making a decision.  To screw up.

It’s better to make a bad decision than to make no decision. I got this from Elliot Katz in his book “Being The Strong Man A Woman Wants.” Great book.

If the decision turns out to be the wrong one, fine. Owning up to mistakes is actually a sign of strength. Never deny or blame for your mistakes. Own up to them.

So, the biggest thing I’ve learned about being more decisive is this. It’s okay to make mistakes. Just decide. If it’s the wrong decision, learn from it. We don’t admire people who stand back in fear. We respect people who have the confidence to take charge.

What you can do to practice this:

1. Next time you’re out with friends and no one knows where to go to eat, say “we’ll go here.” Lots of times people are just looking for a leader. Step into that role.

2. Next time you’re with a woman, don’t ask her where you should go. Decide. It’s far more attractive.

3. Next time you’re by yourself and you have to make a decision, listen to your gut. Socrates used to call this his “inner voice.” And he said it never steered him wrong. Listen to it. And go with it 100%.

Decisiveness sharpens your masculinity. And, of course, makes you more attractive to women.

6. Increase Your Testosterone


Four ways to do this:

  1. Sleep: 7-8 hours a night. Your body makes testosterone while you’re sleeping. Ever wondered why you get morning wood? Hello. Without enough sleep, can’t produce testosterone. 4, 5, 6 hours of sleep? Won’t cut it. Feeling stressed all the time? Won’t cut it. When stressed, cortisol levels high. When cortisol levels are high, testosterone low. So take 10-30 minutes breaks into highly focused 60 minute blocks of work. And get 7-8 hours of sleep a night.
  2. Exercise: The more fat you have, the more adipose tissue converts testosterone into estrogen, lowering testosterone levels. Exercise blasts fat. Less fat, more muscle… the higher the testosterone. Push-ups in the morning. Lift weights. Jump rope. Bike. Play basketball. At least 30 minutes a day is all you need. (If you want more info, check out my article “Lost Fat, Gain Muscle.”)
  3. Sex: Erections puts “testosterone” fuel in your sex drive tank. Scientists found that men’s testosterone levels were higher after looking at porn than before looking at porn. Yeah. So, get erections, look at sexy pictures, have sex. See? Increasing your testosterone can be fuuuuuun!
  4. Diet: Eating protein helps increase testosterone. Whey protein is the best because it has all the amino acids your body needs. Protein shakes are great. Steaks, eggs, bacon, burger, fish, nuts are good too. In fact, believe it or not, cholesterol is a precursor of testosterone. So eating red meat can actually help you increase testosterone.

Increasing testosterone is fun. It’s just being a guy again.

7. Make Achieving Your Life’s Purpose #1 in Your Life, Not Women

This picture is THE secret to success with women. Don’t make your woman #1. Find your mission in life. Make this #1. Don’t make intimacy your priority. Make it your purpose.

Mary Jane wants Spiderman to stay. She’s sad he’s gotta leave for “war” and be a superhero. She tells him all the time, “please don’t go.” He goes anyway. You can tell how disappointed she is.

But can you imagine if Spiderman said, “Actually you’re right. I won’t go. You’re more important than protecting humankind. You’re the most important thing in my life. Who cares if I’m needed. I’m staying here with you.” She might be glad, but she’d probably also feel let down.

You’ll hear a woman say she wants you to make her #1. The irony is she’ll love and admire you more if she’s not. If you make your woman your priority, she’ll feel like you’re dependent on her for your happiness. She’ll feel smothered. She’ll feel she doesn’t really have a man.

I don’t think she would ever admit she doesn’t want to be number one. She’ll complain she wants more of you. But what she really wants is for you to be dedicated to your purpose–and to also love her fully.

You have a gift to give to the world, everyone does. Don’t submit to your woman and kiss her ass. Discover your gift and purpose. Despite her pleas to the contrary, make giving your deepest gift to the world your priority.

I’ve gotta give credit where credit it due. I learned this insight from David Deida. And it changed my life.

We’ll inevitably get this question. “Does this make me look fat?” How do you respond? The best response is to agree… jokingly. “Yeah… I wasn’t going to say anything.” She’ll hit you on the arm. That’s a good thing. Hehe

See how Mary-Jane just relaxes and surrenders in Spidey’s arms? Women yearn for this. See how Spidey is like a rock? Solid, strong, still, protective. That’s the role we want to play with women.

When we’re strong and able to steer the course of things, whether sexually, financially, emotionally, spiritually, it allows her to let go and relax.

8 thoughts on “How To Be THE Man

  1. Cupid_007

    the clip of the mask is indeed a really good way of describing social freedom. and yes social freedom is very attractive because it shows someone has higher social status and having a lot of confidence.

    the higher social status DHV is flipped because by being super socially free and non confirming to the chains of society – you’re being a rebel. you’re saying FUCK YOU RULES!!! IDGAF about you. and that puts you “higher” than others who follow the rules

    and the confidence DHV is switched because you’re not held back by fear of being unaccepted.

    the only sad thing is that social freedom is so rare that it comes off as quirky and weird. because everyone’s so used to following the accepted rules of society that when they see someone who is not bound by it – it kind of freaks them out. and this question i’ve been struggling for a while: how does one be super free, express himself 100% without restraint and not be weird (or freak them out) as a result?

    the answer that i’ve come up with is based on braddock from LS. he implied that you slowly build it up in order for her to get used to your level of social freedom. otherwise it will overwhelm her and cause her discomfort.

    1. renaissan

      Great effin’ question!

      Braddock’s comment sounds a little theoretical. And doesn’t match my experience of social freedom. I don’t know the context of his comment, so I shouldn’t judge it too quickly. But when I go into a club I’m like bam, here I am. I don’t really “slowly build” my social freedom.

      Here’s how I’ve solved the question for myself, because it’s such a good question.

      I see it as “giving love.” Or, like you said, being “in state.” You’ve got such an abundance of “positive energy” in you, it overflows and you give it to the world. It never comes off weird. Just positive. I’ve found women are super attracted to it, for all the reasons you listed above.

      But you’re right, it’s cool because you’re not overly polite and acting like the herd. You do break the rules, except one. The golden rule. You’re socially free, but you treat everyone with respect and how you wanna be treated.

      Again, it doesn’t come off weird but like you’re the light and the leader. You’re like a four year old in the sandbox again, NOT self-conscious. It’s fun as hell.

  2. Cupid_007

    hey it’s pretty cool that you reply to all comments on the site. it’s awesome to finally be able to interact w/ the author instead of having my own thoughts and not being able to express them. go wordpress!

    anyways, i found it interesting how you described ‘being in state’ as containing a huuuuge amount of positive emotions within you that you just can’t help but let it out and over-flow to other people. you become like a burning candle and all those who are near you get to bask in the warmth of FEEL-GOOD emotions that radiate from within you.

    getting to be in that positive state does require solid, strong inner game. i’m a naturally pessimistic and slightly depressed person but i still manage to get state because before i go out i spend 30-60 minutes pumping my state to get into that ultimate zone. i’ve found that for me, state makes it or breaks it.

    now on the topic of having social freedom without coming across as weird to others. the example of braddock from LS interview series: he was talking about how he uses dark humor with girls and says funny jokes on the topic of “killing and raping gramas”. Now that doesn’t sound funny atm but only because it’s out of context. When he says it – somehow – he makes it funny.

    The point is though using offensive humor is attractive because it shows that you aren’t bound by social norms or chains. You are free as a bird. This is shown because even though dark humor is clearly ‘inappropriate’ nevertheless it is still being used. The mere fact that you are BREAKING unofficial social rules is attractive. Rebellious actions are cool: social freedom is attractive.

    However, dark humor can scare people. To make rape jokes within a minute of meeting someone can scare them off because they aren’t used to you yet. It will make them feel uncomfortable and awkward – and the response to lack of social comfort is to leave the situation. So even though attraction is established (via social freedom), the girl is gone.

    THEREFORE, braddock said that he doesn’t start off with dark, dark humor but rather with a small taste of dark humor. This helps her get used to his style of humor. She begins to understand “oh ok… he isn’t serious. that’s just his personality.”
    (kind of like the foot in the door sales technique. start small and build)
    (BTW the simplePU guys start off w/ super offensive humor right off the opener).

    The guy in the mask clip has an extreme level of social freedom. He follows NO social norms. Not just in the clip but also in the movie. He acts in ways that would be considered ‘crazy’, lunatic and insane by others – because his actions deviant from normal human behavior to a very high degree. Although social freedom is attractive, he breaks the rules of normality too much and thus would not be successful w/ women out of sheer weirdness.

    So to answer my own question: One must be socially free but not to point where he will be perceived as crazy by others. He must balance social freedom with still being in the realms of normal and relatable.

    i know there was a lot of abstract theory there so i’m gonna give a few examples to help illustrate my point:

    1. singing while walking down the street
    social freedom: it’s fine to do this once in a while
    weird: doing it ALL the time. SUPER loud.

    2. reading an actual book while walking at the same time
    social freedom: its fine to do this once in a while
    weird: doing it all the time is just too weird.

    making funny animal noises during conversation to illustrate a point
    talking to yourself in public
    walking around in pajamas

    p.s. being that this a long reply i’ve added it to my own blog

    1. renaissan

      That’s a great solution to the problem too: “everything in moderation.” So, challenge social norms, but deviate too far, and it comes off weird. Can’t argue with that. Great point.

      By the way, out of curiosity, HOW do you go about getting yourself in “state” when you might feel a little pessimistic or slightly depressed? It brings up another excellent question.

      I’m definitely following your blog.

  3. Cupid_007

    (1) Meditation, sometimes for over an hour.
    (2) Working out with mantras and emotional sayings
    (3) Music
    (4) anchors

    also i would be honored for you to read my blog a lot of stuff in there is for advanced players only: so you would probably benefit from reading it more than others.

  4. renaissan

    Just checked it out. Awesome. Love how your posts are notes to yourself in raw form. And I like how you’re coming out with a book soon, too. Got a title yet?

    And noticed you’re from NYC. Great place to sarge I’m sure. Wish I still lived there. I’m in the Boston area myself right now.

    Good call on the ways to get into state. The last three are emotional, so that makes sense. Meditation’s calming but it’s the shit. You need that equanimity you get from meditation to handle the dissonance from the field. That kind of focus is masculine and attracts women like crazy.

    1. Cupid_007

      i’ve decided to stop working on the book for some time and instead focus on making a ton of recordings of infield approaches. but my title will probably be “rules of the game: explained”.

      fascinating idea. having an intense purpose towards a goal at all times and being ‘centered’ towards that goal: is indeed very attractive. we are aware of the fact that having PURPOSE is attractive but i’ve found the only way to have purpose is to be highly aware of your goals – at all times. you must always know what you are trying to achieve at any time of the day. this also happens to be the secret to being truly unreactive.

      during the day, there are many distractions that pull one in different directions. if one doesn’t keep his goal clearly in his mind then he will be swept away by whatever nonsense pulls him in. but if he doesn’t lose the forest for the trees and is able to remain on his path despite the temptations that surround him, he will be seen as a man with intense drive and purpose. the rock to her storm. the lion pays no heed to the emotions of the antelope.

      1. renaissan

        LOL! The “rock to her storm.” Love it.

        By the way, in the book I’m writing I talk about the importance of having a goal before approaching. For example: “put a smile on her face,” “practice the root and false time constraint,” “try this new play-fighting line,” “get to qualification,” “get to isolation.” And so on. Helps me nail my approaches. So, couldn’t agree more. Having a goal in your approach is HUGE.

        Also, love the title of your book. Sounds like Neil Strauss’s book, but the “Explained” in the tittle distinguishes it.

        Can’t wait to check out your infield recordings. I’ve yet to master that. And I’m bummed about that because they have a higher perceived value than articles. Let me know how it goes. And if you’ve got any tips, would love to learn from you.

        Kill it out in the field, man.

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