Let’s talk about approaching women.
I’m not gonna lie. It’s hard. People are cynical of strangers striking up a friendly conversation with them. You could be the coolest guy in the world, but people (and women especially) assume the worst about you. And resist you.
You’re guilty before proven innocent.
But if you can slide this ENORMOUSLY heavy obstacle of the way… which you absolutely can… a lot of the pickup afterwards is cake.
Oh, and I wanna give credit where credit is due. Almost everything I’m about to share with you I learned from Mystery. And it’s highly effective.
Women are very rarely found alone. So, when you see a woman of particular beauty, a lot of times, we’ve got to approach her with a group of people around her. Get used to it. It’s just one of the facts of life.
I’ll tell you how NOT to approach.
“Excuse me, do you know what time it is?”
“Yeah, it’s 10:30.”
“Cool, thanks. So, where are you from?”
Now you’re trying to RE-ENGAGE her in conversation. And you’ve just revealed the fact that asking her for the time was in fact a farce. Every man should know by now that asking for the time leads to a dead end street.
“Excuse me. I’m sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if it would be okay if I asked you a question.”
That’s the vagrance opener.
DON’T excuse yourself.
DON’T tell them you already think of yourself as a bother.
And DON’T ask in order to ask.
Just go off into it.
Instead of opening with “Excuse me” say “Hey guys…”
By the way, there’s enormous power in the word “Hey.” Start your opener with that word. It gets attention in a fun way.
Also, DON’T just talk to the prettiest woman in the group. If you speak directly to her, you’ll alienate all her friends.
Instead, make eye contact with every person in the group. That’s how you keep their attention. If you give your attention to only one person, people get bored and start looking elsewhere.
Not only that, if you give all your attention to the prettiest woman her friends presume just by the fact that she’s beautiful and you’re a man that you’re after her. Their instinct will immediately be to protect her and eject you from the group.
You’ve got to immediately disqualify yourself from being considered a potential suitor. You’ve got to convey, “Look, I’m not after her. I’m just a social, friendly guy who enjoys meeting new people.” If you’re in a public gathering like a bar or lounge, it’s expected to be social and meet new people.
How do you convey all this?
Talk to everyone in the group EXCEPT the target. In fact, ignore her. When you do say something to her throw a neg or banter line at her. “I can already tell, this one is trouble.”
Okay, fine. But WHAT do you say to the group of people?
Skip all the polite formalities and dive straight into a story. Or start bantering. I prefer to start off with banter because it’s more interactive.
But let’s say you’re gonna stick with a story, what kind of story do you tell?
A funny one is great. A classic example is Mystery’s “Girl Fight” story. You can check that one out here. Begin with a question that hooks your audience. “Did you see the girl fight outside?” Then dive right into it. Also, check in with the group during the story with questions like “Isn’t that crazy?” or “Know what I mean?” to keep it interactive and make sure they’re with you still.
Have at least three stories ready to rock and roll each 15 seconds. But don’t finish them. Leave each story open so if you ever come to an awkward pause you can say “Where was I? Oh yeah…” and continue a previously opened thread.
DON’T speak softly, quietly, mumble, or speak in a monotone voice. No one will hear a word you’re saying. And the group will shut you out.
Instead, speak loudly and slowly. You’ll appear confident and they’ll hear everything you say. Also, speak expressively and enthusiastically. They’ll feel it. Feel whatever you’re saying and express it. THAT’S engaging.
DON’T have a stone cold expression on your face.
If you were to turn to a person who’s approached you and he has that kind of hard, mean expression on your face, how would you respond? Defensive, right?
Now imagine you’re a woman and you’re being approached by a MAN who’s bigger and stronger than you with that cold expression. That’s a woman’s experience. Scary.
So, SMILE on the approach. It’s warm. It’s a ray of sunshine. Which melts ice away.
Obviously, you don’t have to keep the stupid smile on your face. You’ll look cheesy. People will get the overwhelming feeling that you’re keeping shit from them. So, relax the smile after a few seconds.
DON’T lean in to the pretty girl. This telegraphs your interest. Plus she’ll start backing away from you. Counter-productive.
Instead, lean back. Make HER chase YOU.
In fact, when you open, open as if you’re walking past them. Let them know through your body language that you’re not going to stay there forever and ever. You’re on your way out.
DO throw in a false constraint. “I can only stay a second, my friends are here.” Word of warning. Never say “I can only stay a minute.” Guys will go “60, 59, 58…” just to screw with you.
DO have a “root,” or a reason why you’re talking to them. I got this concept from Neil Strauss and it’s huge. The group won’t be able to hear a word of what you’re saying until they know what it is you want from them. Your reason for talking to them?
If you deliver a direct opener, it’s because this girl caught your eye and you wanted to meet her.
If you deliver an indirect opener, it’s because you’re meeting new people. Or, if it’s an opinion opener, you want to get a female opinion. Then you’re leaving. But you can always say “Before I leave…” to keep yourself in there.
DO deliver a banter line within your first two sentences. MOST IMPORTANT! Laughter breaks the ice. And you don’t even need a story or a root or a false constraint. It disqualifies yourself as a potential suitor automatically yet creates sexual tension with her and gives value to the group instantly.
DO initiale kino right away. Tap an arm before you deliver a banter line. You’re a friendly person who has a lot of love to give. Strangers don’t touch. Friends do.
WHOOOOOA! That’s a lot of stuff. I know, I know. But it’s like driving a car. At first, there’s a lot of stuff to remember. But do it enough, it becomes a natural.
Here’s what you can do right now to make sure you approach in a way that melts the ice.
OPTION A, Beginning with a story:
Step #1: Pick a root, a false time constraint, neg, and 3 brief (15-second) routines.
Step #2: Practice your delivery in the mirror. Make sure you smile, you’re expressive, open over the shoulder, and initiate kino. Practice interrupting your routine by opening another. I gave a word-for-word example of “multiple-threading” in my post: “DHV to the Group, NOT the Target.” Practice this at least 5x.
Step #3: Execute in field at least 5x. Each time you finish you ask: “So, how do you know each other?” Then say “Pleasure meeting you.” If the conversation is going well, keep going. Don’t worry about getting a phone number, unless it genuinely comes up.
OPTION B, Beginning with Banter:
Step #1: Pick a Banter line
Step #2: Practice your delivery in the mirror. Make sure you smile, you’re expressive, open over the shoulder, and initiate kino. Practice this at least 5x.
Step #3: Execute in field at least 5x. Each time you finish, you can introduce yourself and ask: “So, how do you know each other?” Then say “Pleasure meeting you.” If the conversation is going well, keep going. No need to get a phone number, if you don’t want. You’re just practicing opening.
To simplify it even more, when you approach just give em “feeling good.” And if you practice opening, the whole process, will change your life. It did for me. It will for you.