Ask her for a favor once in a while.
For example, you don’t have to drive miles and miles to go see her. Let her drive to see you. You don’t have to be the one who’s always giving her massages. Let her give you a massage. You don’t have to be the one who’s always getting her a drink. Let her get you a drink.
The reason is simple. The more she invests in you, the more she’ll fall for you.
People don’t value free. People value things they work for. Things they have to struggle a little for. Things that cost them a little something.
For good reason, too. We grow when we work for things, not when we’re handed them for free.
Here’s another reason to ask her for a favor once in a while. She’ll backwards rationalize why she’s going out of her way for you. “I must like him,” she might say to herself. And that ain’t never a bad thing, right?
If you’re thinking this sounds a lot like qualification… you’re absolutely, 100%, right. It’s just extending that idea into relationships.
Like we talked about in that little qualification discussion, her attraction grows not when we give to her, but when she gives to us.
Completely counter-intuitive. Believe me, I know.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Getting her small gifts, opening the door for her, giving her massages is great. Fantastic. And I do all that for my girl.
Just make sure you receive, too. Let her give as well.
But here’s where it gets really cool.
One of the things that attracts women… is a guy who knows where he’s going in life. A guy with purpose. A guy who’s discovered his gift and who’s working to give it to the world with all his heart.
Like the Buddha once said: “Your work is to discover your work and give yourself to it with all your heart.”
The beauuuutiful thing is you can combine this idea of qualification (i.e. asking her for a favor) and having purpose. Double whammy, baby!
For example, if your passion is music, have her pick up some guitar strings at the store for you. If you have a business of some sort, have her help you in your business in some way.
She’s investing in you, she’s helping you serve your purpose, AND you get to spend some quality time together. Can you say “attractive”? Haha
So, ask her to do little favors for you, especially when it’s connected with living your purpose. Show her mucho gratitude to her afterwards. And of course return the favor later on.
It can do wonders in keeping your relationship alive.
Credit: Vin Di Carlo, “S Cubed.”
i’ve divided qualification into 3 parts: (1) having standards (2) having boundaries and (3) having expectations. all 3 of which are very attractive. (3) having positive expectations simply means that you demand and expect her to do good things for you on a daily basis. giving value is important. but giving tons of value without getting anything in return will put one in the friendzone.
this relates to what you’re saying about requesting favors. i’ve found that asking for what you want is an extremely effective way for getting it AND getting investment.
I also liked what you said about showing her gratitude and returning the favor later on. interesting post that has validated a bunch of my ideas: there’s also the benjamin franklin affect: which says that doing favors for others causes us to like them. “He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.”
i shall work on expressing gratitude and returning favors. showing gratitude is also important because it rewards her behavior (thus giving positive enforcement).
YES! Qualification really is the art of the compliment. Unearned compliments can be awkward, and can make a guy look like a supplicating kiss-ass. Not exactly attractive. Earned compliments, on the other hand, feel more honest and valuable because she’s worked for it.
I’ve never heard that Benjamin Franklin quote, but it hits it on the head. It’s so counter-intuitive. We fall in love with people we give to, rather than with people who’re constantly giving to us. So, if we allow women to do shit for us, we’re actually allowing her feelings to grow for us. Sweetness.
One last thing… what’re your thoughts on intermittent reinforcement? Check out this wikipedia blurb: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reinforcement#Intermittent_reinforcements
understanding intermittent reinforcement is similar to push/pull. good behavior must be rewarded in order to encourage her to continue. however, it cannot always be rewarded – every time. if the cheese is easily reached than the target will lose interest by the lack of challenge. intermittent reinforcement requires a constant cycle of reward and no reward in order to keep her trying to get our approval (reward/cheese).
Exactly! The “lack of challenge.” Amen to that.
I’ve done that. She picked up my cellphone off the floor and gave it to me.
Handed me a box. If she shares something she’s eating that qualifies as likeliness too?
Of course. Sounds like she likes you. But here’s the key. It’s gotta be a two-way street. You’ve gotta show her you like her as well.
Her attraction DOES grow when you give to her.. clearly when you DO NOT give anything in return.. you lose points in attractiveness.. How you treat her is KEY as well. It point to your attractiveness. You could look like a dog, but how you treat her, trust me is EVERYTHING.
You become someone who uses her for what you can gain of her and soon she will realize that this is a one way street with you.
If you constantly, expect her to do it all, while you do very little, you will set yourself up for a limited relationship.
And I didn’t say to give little. This article was written for guys who give too much. The point was, it’s as important to receive as it is to give.
For example, what if you had a guy who all he did was give you flowers, buy you jewelry, did all the talking, tried to make you orgasm all the time?
Okay, you might be saying “great!” But after a while wouldn’t it get exhausting? Wouldn’t it be possible that you might even take him for granted?
So, my point was, the answer to those questions are “yes” and “yes.” Let her give and talk and do some work. Then you’ll have to chance to appreciate her, listen to her and say thank-you to her.
Again, like we’ve been saying, relationship and attraction is a two-way street. From a guy’s perspective, we think we have to do all the giving to attract a girl and keep her attracted. Here I was trying to say that, surprisingly, her attraction ALSO happens when she’s able to give, too.
We need to give, yes, but also to receive.
By the way, I liked what you had to say about “how you treat her is KEY… you could look like a dog, but how you treat her, trust me, is EVERYTHING.”
I’ll remember that. It’s a gem.