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20 Relationship Maintenance Tips

I found a fantastic link about relationship maintenance, and had to share it with you. It’s written by a man who just got divorced, and the lessons he learned. Here’s the link. And here’s a list of his 20 tips:


1) NEVER STOP COURTING/DATING

divorce advice


2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER BUT LOVE HER AS SHE IS.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY FOR YOUR EMOTIONS, IT’S NOT HER JOB TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

7) NEVER BLAME YOUR WIFE

8) BE SILLY

9) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY: ROMANCE HER, MAKE HER FEEL LIKE A QUEEN.

10) LEARN TO BE AN EPIC LOVER

11) BE PRESENT, 100% ATTENTION WHEN YOU’RE WITH HER.

12) TAKE HER SEXUALLY

13) DON’T BE AFRAID OF BEING AN IDIOT.

14) GIVE HER SPACE

15) BE VULNERABLE

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

Again, here’s the link if you wanna check out the full article.

 
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Posted by on September 1, 2013 in Monoamory, Relationship Maintenance

 

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How to Keep a Relationship Alive

I was listening to a David DeAngelo interview with a guy named Gay Hendricks about what makes a successful relationship.

Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks

Gay Hendricks is a psychologist with a PhD from Standford. He’s written a lot of books on the subject of relationships and the mind-body connection. 25 of those books were written with his wife, who’s also a psychologist. They got some acclaim when Oprah featured them together on her show. And ever heard of the underground classic “Radical Honesty“? He helped Brad Blanton publish that book. But his best credential is probably that he’s been married for like 30 years and he and his wife are still in love.

His take was it takes 3 things to keep a relationship alive.

1. Complete and total honesty. Most of us humans walk around the world deceiving others and deceiving ourselves. If you’re completely honest with her, and she’s honest with you, neither of you hide. Instead, you allow yourself to be seen completely. Transparent. That’s how you get intimacy. And that’s how you get communication.

2. Take responsibility for your own actions. We humans are also quick to criticize, point the finger and find fault with each other. We do all that before we look at ourselves and see our part in things. It always takes two to tango. If something goes awry, it’s not that she’s a bitch. You had your part to play in things. Before blaming or criticizing, look to yourself first and learn what you could have done better. She must do the same. This creates a positive environment, not a negative one. Who wants to be in a negative environment? Create a positive environment. Don’t criticize. Rather, see her good, and take responsibility for yourself.

3. Have your own life, and always seek to grow. A good relationship is one where both people can develop as human beings. Seek to grow continuously, and find a woman who wants to grow and develop herself continuously, too. Otherwise the relationship will become co-dependent and will choke you and her. Love your woman, but love her second. Don’t make your relationship #1. She’ll feel smothered. Make your deepest purpose in life #1.

4. I’d add a fourth thing: sex. Woody Allen said it best: “once the sex goes, the whole relationship goes.” Without sex, what do you have? Exactly. A friendship. Sex is a super-glue. It keeps a couple together, and it keeps the passion alive. Sex is communication. It creates physical intimacy and unity that words alone can never accomplish.

A lot of people when they get into a relationship, think all the work’s been done. Why put the effort in anymore? They stop stop looking or being their best, most attractive selves. Everything you did to win your woman by putting your best foot forward, NEVER STOP DOING.

Keep creating sexual tension, keep being interesting and being the man, have a life outside the relationship, and don’t ever stop being that obnoxious couple. Once you stop, that’s when the relationship goes south. Keep creating those wonderful feelings you felt at the beginning of a relationship. And keep seeing the best in her.

The poet-artist Kahlil Gibran

Kahlil Gibran, Lebonese Poet & Artist, 1883 – 1931

talks about relationship and space in the chapter “On Marriage” in his book “The Prophet.” Here marriage refers to relationships, too:

Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillar of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadows.

Painting by Kahlil Gibran

 

 
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Posted by on October 14, 2012 in Home, Relationship Maintenance

 

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Creating Desire in Women: Quote – Plato

“And because she’s served with all the attentions due to a god by a lover who is not pretending otherwise but is truly in the throes of love, and because she’s disposed to be a friend of the man who’s serving her (even if she… initially rejects the lover)… she lets the man spend time with her. It is a decree of fate, you see, that bad is never friends with bad, while good cannot fail to be friends with good. Now that she allows her lover to talk and spend time with her, and the man’s good will is close at hand, the girl is amazed by it as she realizes that all the friendship she has… is nothing compared to that of this friend who’s inspired by a god.

After the lover has spent some time doing this, staying near the girl (even touching her… on occasions), then the spring… named ‘Desire’… begins to flow mightily in the lover and is partly absorbed by her, and when she is filled, it overflows and runs away outside her. Think how a breeze or an echo bounces back from a smooth solid object to its source; that is how the stream of beauty goes back to the beautiful girl and sets her aflutter. It enters through her eyes, which are its natural route to the soul; there it waters the passages for the wings, starts the wings growing, and fills the soul of the loved one with love in return. Then the girl is in love, but has no idea what she loves. She does not understand, and cannot explain, what has happened to her. It is as if she had caught an eye disease from someone else, but could not identify the cause; she does not realize that she is seeing herself in the lover as in a mirror. So when the lover is near, the girl’s pain is relieved just as the lover’s is, and when they are apart she yearns as much as she is yearned for, because she has a mirror image of love in him–‘back love’– though she neither speaks nor thinks of it as love, but as friendship. Still, her desire is nearly the same as her lover’s, though weaker: he wants to see, touch, kiss, and lie down with her; and of course, as you might expect, she acts on these desires soon after they occur..

Meanwhile… swelling with desire, confused, she hugs her lover and kisses him in delight at his great good will. And whenever they are lying together she’s completely unable, for her own part, to deny the lover any favor he might beg to have… Now if victory goes to the better elements in both their minds… their life here below is one of bliss and shared understanding.”

– Plato, Phaedrus, 255a – 256a

 
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Posted by on September 20, 2012 in Handling Women, Home, Quotes

 

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The Romantic Hero

What do women want?

Ahhhh, the age old question.

For the record, I have no idea.

But I do know that in 2010, romance novels accounted for 13.4% of mass market book sales (source: www.rwa.org). $1.358 billion was spent on romance novels in that year. Neither classic literature nor science fiction nor mystery nor religion earned a billion dollars in sales. And 91% of the readership of romance novels is female. Think we can learn a thing or two about women from romance novels?

How many of you guys heard of a book called “Dangerous Men and Adventurous Women”? If you haven’t checked it out yet–HIGHLY recommended. It’s all these romance writers talking about what it is about romance novels that appeals to women so much. It can help us learn about women and what they want.

I read this one essay called “The Androgynous Reader” by Laura Kinsale and it gave me a mini epiphany into why women love romance novels. Check this out…

Women seem to read romances the way we read centerfolds. In this essay, Kinsale claimed female readers identified less with the heroine. What they really liked about the novels is the hero. She uses this quote from a female reader (among others) to make her case: “If [the hero] isn’t in in the first chapter or two, I’ll put the book down. It’s just boring.”

She says women enjoy that sexual admiration. The way she puts it: “it’s a simple, erotic, and free-hearted joy in…desirable maleness.” Just like we to admire the tits and ass of a centerfold, women like to admire the desirable masculinity of the hero.

Case in point, the Twilight series. And now Fifty Shades of Grey. How many women read the Twilight book because they wanna be just like Bella (she’s the “heroine” of Twilight)? I’ve even heard girls say they like the Twilight movies in spite of Kristen Stewart. It’s not Bella women flock to Twilight for. It’s to experience that relationship with a man like Edward (vampire guy) or Jacob (werewolf guy).

But notice the difference between a centerfold and a romance novel. We LOOK at a picture of a naked chick. There ain’t no guys in the picture. Heeeeeell, no. In fact, better if it’s two chicks are going down on each other or something.

Pure male fantasy. Haha Credit: Alan1828 at Deviantart.com

In romance novels, though, women EXPERIENCE being in a relationship with an ideal man. It’s sex with love, with emotions, a story-line, struggle… it’s like this whole internal experience.

The centerfold? It looks nice. No love necessary. In fact, it’s more an external experience.

This was the other epiphany I had. It’s incredible how central love is to romance novels, including Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey. I’ve been watching the Twilight series with my girl, fascinated, learning what women want. Watching the movies made me realize how incredibly important LOVE is to women. Women want to be loved voraciously by a man, and she wants to love him voraciously in return.

Now who is this ideal man of hers?

Yes, good-looking, but there’s way more to it.

He has a painful past, he has suffered, he’s wounded. As a result, he lives outside the structure of civilization, doesn’t give a damn, a melancholy rebel. He rejects the standard guidelines of society, the established norms and behaviors, the restraints of social conventions. It’s as if he represents the force of physical nature, amoral, ruthless with a sense of power, and leadership. He’s got an edge, depth. No bullshit here.

Women want him, but he’s like whatever.

But he meets the heroine of the romance… there’s something different about her. He sees beyond her beauty, beyond her physical surface, and falls in love, in spite of himself, with her inner qualities that make her different than other girls. He pursues the heroine relentlessly like a beast, an animal, a panther stalking his prey. He’s like a sexual threat. She finds him dangerous and exciting.

He’s strong, PROTECTIVE, masculine. Yet gentle, compassionate, feeling, and tender at the same time. He’s got character, integrity. Noble, sophisticated, gentlemanly. Perhaps he can even play an instrument. Sensitive, never wimpy.

She falls desperately in love with him. And out of all the women in the world, she can teach him how to be happy again.

It’s been said the great poet Lord Byron created the model for the romantic hero in his long poem, Childe Harold’s Pilgrimage.

Lord Byron (1788-1824)

Apparently his hero was so well received, it was copied over and over again from Emily Bonte to romance novels today. The term “Byronic hero” even entered the language of literature. Models we can follow in this tradition (without having to read romance novels) is Count of Monte Cristo. Or even Batman (not as much Superman).

Takeaway?

Stay strong. Don’t care what others think of you. Serving a higher purpose than self is more important. In other words, stay masculine. Yet be kind and empathetic, too. Appreciate a woman not for her physical beauty, but her inner qualities that make her unique. And always take the sexual lead… in fact, be a sexual threat. You don’t have to marry her. We can be that mysterious stranger passing through town that sweeps her out of this ordinary world, into a more extraordinary world. Women want love. Let’s give her love, while always still staying the man.

 
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Posted by on July 4, 2012 in Home, Masculinity

 

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How to be Non-Needy

You don’t need her

I read the passage below a few years back while getting over a broken heart. It helped. The idea of it might upset some. But I know it helped me to feel freer, and as a byproduct, be more successful with women.

The passage comes from a chapter called “Detachment” in a book called “Awareness” by Jesuit priest Anthony DeMello. I know it’s a little long. But it’s totally worth it.

Do this little exercise for a few minutes: Think of something or someone you are attached to; in other words, something or someone without which or without whom you think you are not going to be happy. It could be your job, your career, your profession, your friend, your money, whatever. And say to this object or person, “I really do not need you to be happy. I’m only deluding myself in the belief that without you I will not be happy. But I really don’t need you for my happiness; I can be happy without you. You are not my happiness, you are not my joy.” If your attachment is a person, he or she is not going to be very happy to hear you say this, but go ahead anyway. You can say it in the secrecy of your heart. In any case, you’ll be making contact with the truth; you’ll be smashing through a fantasy. Happiness is a state of non-illusion, of dropping illusion.

Or you could try another exercise: Think of a time when you were heartbroken and thought you would never be happy again (your husband died, your wife died, your best friend deserted you, you lost your money). What happened? Time went on, and if you managed to pick up another attachment or managed to find somebody else you were attracted to or something else you were attracted to, what happened to the old attachment? You didn’t really need it to be happy, did you? That should have taught you, but we never learn. We’re programmed; we’re conditioned. How liberating it is not to depend emotionally on anything. If you could get one second’s experience of that, you’d be breaking through your prison and getting a glimpse of the sky. Someday, maybe, you will even fly.

I was afraid to say this, but I talked to God, and I told Him that I don’t need Him. My initial reaction was: “This is so contrary to everything I’ve been brought up with.” Now, some people want to make an exception of their attachment to God. They say, “If God is the God that I think He ought to be, He’s not going to like it when I give up my attachment to Him!” All right, if you think that unless you get God you’re not going to be happy, then this “God” you’re thinking of has nothing to do with the real God. You’re thinking of a dream state; you’re thinking of your concept. Sometimes you have to get rid of “God” in order to find God. Lots of mystics tell us that.

We’ve been so blinded by everything that we have not discovered the basic truth that attachments hurt rather than help relationships. I remember how frightened I was to say to an intimate friend of mine, “I don’t really need you. I can be perfectly happy without you. And by telling you this I find I can enjoy your company thoroughly–no more anxieties, no more jealousies, no more possessiveness, no more clinging. It is a delight to be with you when I am enjoying you on a non-clinging basis. You’re free; so am I.” But to many of you this is like talking a foreign language. It took me many, many months to fully understand this, and mind you, I’m a Jesuit, whose spiritual exercises are all about exactly this, although I missed the point because my culture and my society in general had taught me to view people in terms of my attachments.

I’m quite amused, sometimes, to see even seemingly objective people like therapists and spiritual directors say of someone, “He’s a great guy, great guy, I really like him.” I find out later that it’s because he likes me that I like him. I look into myself, and I find the same thing coming up now and again: If you’re attached to appreciation and praise, you’re going to view people in terms of their threat to your attachment or their fostering of your attachment. If you’re a politician and you want to be elected, how do you think you’re going to look at people, how will your interest in people be guided? You will be concerned for the person who’s going to get you the vote. If what you’re interested in is sex, how do you think you’re going to look at men and women? If you’re attached to power, that colors your view of human beings. An attachment destroys your capacity to love.

What is love? Love is sensitivity, love is consciousness. To give you an example: I’m listening to a symphony. What is a loving heart? A loving heart is sensitive to the whole of life, to all persons; a loving heart doesn’t harden itself to any person or thing. But the moment you become attached in my sense of the word, then you’re blocking out many other things. You’ve got eyes only for the drums; the heart has hardened. Moreover, it’s blinded, because it no longer sees the object of its attachment objectively. Love entails clarity of perception, objectivity; there is nothing so clear-sighted as love.

 
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Posted by on June 29, 2012 in Confidence, Home

 

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How to Deal with Women’s Rejection of You

Rejection feels incredibly personal, but it isn’t. Women respond to our skill level, not to who we really, truly are at our core. Whatever perception she might have of us is impermanent and changeable. Her false perception of us isn’t reality, it’s her illusion.

There’s “actual value” and “perceived value” of a person. Credit goes to Lovedrop’s book Revelation for this insight. Actual value is a person’s actual character. These are real and have a real influence in the world. But they’re not easily known.

Perceived value, on the other hand, is the surface stuff. It’s the limited information, cues, and signals we see on the surface to judge someone’s value, in lieu of not knowing what a person’s actual value is.

The skill of success with women is all about communicating our actual value in terms of perceived value. Attraction has to do with persona, not a person’s actual substance. We have to PRESENT ourselves well, as well as work on ourselves as men.

Getting better with women, then, is like learning how to do a better lay-up in basketball. It’s just a skill. As my basketball coach used to always tell us, perfect practice makes perfect. Women’s rejection of us has to do with our skill level, not with our intrinsic worth as a person. Happily, a skill is learnable—by anyone.

Now, that’s all well and good on an intellectual level, but if her rejection still has you in pain, USE the emotion. Don’t surrender to it. Here’s an action plan how to do this. Credit goes to J.R. Ridinger for this insight.

STEP #1. Identify the emotion. There are two ways people deal with emotion. They either ignore it or feed it. Don’t do these. Instead, feel the emotion. Next, put a label on it. Is it anger? Sadness? Frustration? What category does it fall under?

STEP #2. Clarify the emotion. Ask yourself, “what is the emotion telling me?” Emotion is information. There’s a reason you’re feeling an emotion. Analyze the emotion to understand why you’re feeling that way.

STEP #3. Identify the action signal. Ask yourself what you can DO about it. There’s basically two actions you can take.

A. Change your perception.

B. Change your procedure.

In other words, you can change the way you think or INTERPRET whatever is making you feel the negative emotion. Or you can change your BEHAVIOR so the negative situation doesn’t happen again.

When a woman rejects you, ask what’s the SIGNAL to change? Change either your negative thoughts, or your negative behavior. This way YOU take control of emotion, rather than it control you. You make it USEFUL.

Last point. Despite any rejection from a woman, NEVER give up. KEEP on the track that you’re on. Her rejection is not of you. It’s of your skill level. Keep honing the skill. And you’ll make it through to the other side. Her rejection can empower you.

“It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.” – Confucius

 
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Posted by on June 27, 2012 in Home, Inner

 

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Identity, part 2

Choose an identity that will make you successful with women

Every single guy has the ability to be successful with women. It’s not that some guys have it and other guys don’t. There’s no gene for success with women. ALL of us guys have it within us. We all have the masculinity that women love.

So what’s in the way of our success?

Well, there’s inner-game issues and outer-game issues.

Outer-game is about all the skills. That’s important. No doubt.

But without the right IDENTITY, or inner-game, all the skills in the world will be little better than a band-aid. Outer-game heals only the surface. But what you believe about yourself, your IDENTITY, will determine your success from the inside out.

Identity is really only a label. Be careful of the labels you put on yourself and the labels other people try to put on you. Give yourself a label that will make you more successful with women. Guess what? Your behavior will become consistent with that label.

Here’s another way of putting it.

People think they can change their behavior.

A smoker tries to quit, an obese person tries to eat less. And they fail. Why?

You can NEVER change your behavior. You have to change your identity first. Change the way you think of yourself. A smoker has to eliminate the label “smoker.” An obese person has to stop thinking of himself as someone who’s “fat.” Change the label first, even if you don’t see it yet, and the behavior will follow. Labels are like a self-fulfilling prophesy.

So, if you think of yourself as someone who’ll never be successful with women, you’ll act like that. But if you change the label and identify yourself with someone who’s irresistible to women, you’ll act more successful with women.

Change your identity first.

Decide who you want to become. And don’t “become” that person. BE that person RIGHT NOW! Now’s the time. Not later, but right now.

Speak, feel, act like a man who’s successful with women.

Now, you might hear a lot of people laugh at you and say no you “can’t” and reinforce those negative labels on you. The closest people in your life, your family and friends, will say these things to you. They’ve known you a certain way and have pigeon-holed you a certain way and they’ll resist your change.

Don’t let them.

YOU define who you are. YOU judge yourself. YOU get to determine whoever the hell you are and what you want. PERIOD.

And if you screw up along the way and get rejected by women, it’s okay. Just don’t let the screwup define you. You can screw up, but don’t be a “screwup.” You can do something stupid, but it doesn’t mean you’re “stupid.” You can do something terrible, but it doesn’t mean you’re a “terrible person.”

If you start to think you’re a “terrible person,” you’ll probably start doing more terrible things. Because that’s your identity. Do you think correctional institutions really correct behavior, or do they just reinforce a person’s identity as a “terrible person”? Don’t get me started. That’s a whole other story.

The point is, the mistakes you make aren’t your identity. It’s not permanent.

Some labels are beneficial, though. If that label or identity that brings you confidence and freedom, it will help you rather than hinder you. If you make your identity one that’s confident and one who knows how to make women feel wonderful… Your brain will figure out ways to make this come true.

So, be actively aware of any deep-seated beliefs about yourself that might be holding you back. So many of us are unconscious of the beliefs that don’t help us. Then ask who you really are at your deepest level. What is that spark in you, that divine flame, that’s been smothered? That’s who you really are.

Once you figure out who you truly are, FUSE with that identity. Step into the body of a man who’s successful with women. And emulate him. You get to decide. The rest is history.

 
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Posted by on June 20, 2012 in Home, Identity

 

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