Tag Archives: love

20 Relationship Maintenance Tips

I found a fantastic link about relationship maintenance, and had to share it with you. It’s written by a man who just got divorced, and the lessons he learned. Here’s the link. And here’s a list of his 20 tips:


divorce advice


3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again.

















20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

Again, here’s the link if you wanna check out the full article.

How to Keep a Relationship Alive

I was listening to a David DeAngelo interview with a guy named Gay Hendricks about what makes a successful relationship.

Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks

Gay Hendricks is a psychologist with a PhD from Standford. He’s written a lot of books on the subject of relationships and the mind-body connection. 25 of those books were written with his wife, who’s also a psychologist. They got some acclaim when Oprah featured them together on her show. And ever heard of the underground classic “Radical Honesty“? He helped Brad Blanton publish that book. But his best credential is probably that he’s been married for like 30 years and he and his wife are still in love.

His take was it takes 3 things to keep a relationship alive.

1. Complete and total honesty. Most of us humans walk around the world deceiving others and deceiving ourselves. If you’re completely honest with her, and she’s honest with you, neither of you hide. Instead, you allow yourself to be seen completely. Transparent. That’s how you get intimacy. And that’s how you get communication.

2. Take responsibility for your own actions. We humans are also quick to criticize, point the finger and find fault with each other. We do all that before we look at ourselves and see our part in things. It always takes two to tango. If something goes awry, it’s not that she’s a bitch. You had your part to play in things. Before blaming or criticizing, look to yourself first and learn what you could have done better. She must do the same. This creates a positive environment, not a negative one. Who wants to be in a negative environment? Create a positive environment. Don’t criticize. Rather, see her good, and take responsibility for yourself.

3. Have your own life, and always seek to grow. A good relationship is one where both people can develop as human beings. Seek to grow continuously, and find a woman who wants to grow and develop herself continuously, too. Otherwise the relationship will become co-dependent and will choke you and her. Love your woman, but love her second. Don’t make your relationship #1. She’ll feel smothered. Make your deepest purpose in life #1.

4. I’d add a fourth thing: sex. Woody Allen said it best: “once the sex goes, the whole relationship goes.” Without sex, what do you have? Exactly. A friendship. Sex is a super-glue. It keeps a couple together, and it keeps the passion alive. Sex is communication. It creates physical intimacy and unity that words alone can never accomplish.

A lot of people when they get into a relationship, think all the work’s been done. Why put the effort in anymore? They stop stop looking or being their best, most attractive selves. Everything you did to win your woman by putting your best foot forward, NEVER STOP DOING.

Keep creating sexual tension, keep being interesting and being the man, have a life outside the relationship, and don’t ever stop being that obnoxious couple. Once you stop, that’s when the relationship goes south. Keep creating those wonderful feelings you felt at the beginning of a relationship. And keep seeing the best in her.

The poet-artist Kahlil Gibran

Kahlil Gibran, Lebonese Poet & Artist, 1883 – 1931

talks about relationship and space in the chapter “On Marriage” in his book “The Prophet.” Here marriage refers to relationships, too:

Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillar of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadows.

Painting by Kahlil Gibran


Creating Desire in Women: Quote – Plato

“And because she’s served with all the attentions due to a god by a lover who is not pretending otherwise but is truly in the throes of love, and because she’s disposed to be a friend of the man who’s serving her (even if she… initially rejects the lover)… she lets the man spend time with her. It is a decree of fate, you see, that bad is never friends with bad, while good cannot fail to be friends with good. Now that she allows her lover to talk and spend time with her, and the man’s good will is close at hand, the girl is amazed by it as she realizes that all the friendship she has… is nothing compared to that of this friend who’s inspired by a god.

After the lover has spent some time doing this, staying near the girl (even touching her… on occasions), then the spring… named ‘Desire’… begins to flow mightily in the lover and is partly absorbed by her, and when she is filled, it overflows and runs away outside her. Think how a breeze or an echo bounces back from a smooth solid object to its source; that is how the stream of beauty goes back to the beautiful girl and sets her aflutter. It enters through her eyes, which are its natural route to the soul; there it waters the passages for the wings, starts the wings growing, and fills the soul of the loved one with love in return. Then the girl is in love, but has no idea what she loves. She does not understand, and cannot explain, what has happened to her. It is as if she had caught an eye disease from someone else, but could not identify the cause; she does not realize that she is seeing herself in the lover as in a mirror. So when the lover is near, the girl’s pain is relieved just as the lover’s is, and when they are apart she yearns as much as she is yearned for, because she has a mirror image of love in him–‘back love’– though she neither speaks nor thinks of it as love, but as friendship. Still, her desire is nearly the same as her lover’s, though weaker: he wants to see, touch, kiss, and lie down with her; and of course, as you might expect, she acts on these desires soon after they occur..

Meanwhile… swelling with desire, confused, she hugs her lover and kisses him in delight at his great good will. And whenever they are lying together she’s completely unable, for her own part, to deny the lover any favor he might beg to have… Now if victory goes to the better elements in both their minds… their life here below is one of bliss and shared understanding.”

– Plato, Phaedrus, 255a – 256a

The Romantic Hero

What do women want?

Ahhhh, the age old question.

For the record, I have no idea.

But I do know that in 2010, romance novels accounted for 13.4% of mass market book sales (source: www.rwa.org). $1.358 billion was spent on romance novels in that year. Neither classic literature nor science fiction nor mystery nor religion earned a billion dollars in sales. And 91% of the readership of romance novels is female. Think we can learn a thing or two about women from romance novels?

How many of you guys heard of a book called “Dangerous Men and Adventurous Women”? If you haven’t checked it out yet–HIGHLY recommended. It’s all these romance writers talking about what it is about romance novels that appeals to women so much. It can help us learn about women and what they want.

I read this one essay called “The Androgynous Reader” by Laura Kinsale and it gave me a mini epiphany into why women love romance novels. Check this out…

Women seem to read romances the way we read centerfolds. In this essay, Kinsale claimed female readers identified less with the heroine. What they really liked about the novels is the hero. She uses this quote from a female reader (among others) to make her case: “If [the hero] isn’t in in the first chapter or two, I’ll put the book down. It’s just boring.”

She says women enjoy that sexual admiration. The way she puts it: “it’s a simple, erotic, and free-hearted joy in…desirable maleness.” Just like we to admire the tits and ass of a centerfold, women like to admire the desirable masculinity of the hero.

Case in point, the Twilight series. And now Fifty Shades of Grey. How many women read the Twilight book because they wanna be just like Bella (she’s the “heroine” of Twilight)? I’ve even heard girls say they like the Twilight movies in spite of Kristen Stewart. It’s not Bella women flock to Twilight for. It’s to experience that relationship with a man like Edward (vampire guy) or Jacob (werewolf guy).

But notice the difference between a centerfold and a romance novel. We LOOK at a picture of a naked chick. There ain’t no guys in the picture. Heeeeeell, no. In fact, better if it’s two chicks are going down on each other or something.

Pure male fantasy. Haha Credit: Alan1828 at Deviantart.com

In romance novels, though, women EXPERIENCE being in a relationship with an ideal man. It’s sex with love, with emotions, a story-line, struggle… it’s like this whole internal experience.

The centerfold? It looks nice. No love necessary. In fact, it’s more an external experience.

This was the other epiphany I had. It’s incredible how central love is to romance novels, including Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey. I’ve been watching the Twilight series with my girl, fascinated, learning what women want. Watching the movies made me realize how incredibly important LOVE is to women. Women want to be loved voraciously by a man, and she wants to love him voraciously in return.

Now who is this ideal man of hers?

Yes, good-looking, but there’s way more to it.

He has a painful past, he has suffered, he’s wounded. As a result, he lives outside the structure of civilization, doesn’t give a damn, a melancholy rebel. He rejects the standard guidelines of society, the established norms and behaviors, the restraints of social conventions. It’s as if he represents the force of physical nature, amoral, ruthless with a sense of power, and leadership. He’s got an edge, depth. No bullshit here.

Women want him, but he’s like whatever.

But he meets the heroine of the romance… there’s something different about her. He sees beyond her beauty, beyond her physical surface, and falls in love, in spite of himself, with her inner qualities that make her different than other girls. He pursues the heroine relentlessly like a beast, an animal, a panther stalking his prey. He’s like a sexual threat. She finds him dangerous and exciting.

He’s strong, PROTECTIVE, masculine. Yet gentle, compassionate, feeling, and tender at the same time. He’s got character, integrity. Noble, sophisticated, gentlemanly. Perhaps he can even play an instrument. Sensitive, never wimpy.

She falls desperately in love with him. And out of all the women in the world, she can teach him how to be happy again.

It’s been said the great poet Lord Byron created the model for the romantic hero in his long poem, Childe Harold’s Pilgrimage.

Lord Byron (1788-1824)

Apparently his hero was so well received, it was copied over and over again from Emily Bonte to romance novels today. The term “Byronic hero” even entered the language of literature. Models we can follow in this tradition (without having to read romance novels) is Count of Monte Cristo. Or even Batman (not as much Superman).


Stay strong. Don’t care what others think of you. Serving a higher purpose than self is more important. In other words, stay masculine. Yet be kind and empathetic, too. Appreciate a woman not for her physical beauty, but her inner qualities that make her unique. And always take the sexual lead… in fact, be a sexual threat. You don’t have to marry her. We can be that mysterious stranger passing through town that sweeps her out of this ordinary world, into a more extraordinary world. Women want love. Let’s give her love, while always still staying the man.

How to be Non-Needy

You don’t need her

I read the passage below a few years back while getting over a broken heart. It helped. The idea of it might upset some. But I know it helped me to feel freer, and as a byproduct, be more successful with women.

The passage comes from a chapter called “Detachment” in a book called “Awareness” by Jesuit priest Anthony DeMello. I know it’s a little long. But it’s totally worth it.

Do this little exercise for a few minutes: Think of something or someone you are attached to; in other words, something or someone without which or without whom you think you are not going to be happy. It could be your job, your career, your profession, your friend, your money, whatever. And say to this object or person, “I really do not need you to be happy. I’m only deluding myself in the belief that without you I will not be happy. But I really don’t need you for my happiness; I can be happy without you. You are not my happiness, you are not my joy.” If your attachment is a person, he or she is not going to be very happy to hear you say this, but go ahead anyway. You can say it in the secrecy of your heart. In any case, you’ll be making contact with the truth; you’ll be smashing through a fantasy. Happiness is a state of non-illusion, of dropping illusion.

Or you could try another exercise: Think of a time when you were heartbroken and thought you would never be happy again (your husband died, your wife died, your best friend deserted you, you lost your money). What happened? Time went on, and if you managed to pick up another attachment or managed to find somebody else you were attracted to or something else you were attracted to, what happened to the old attachment? You didn’t really need it to be happy, did you? That should have taught you, but we never learn. We’re programmed; we’re conditioned. How liberating it is not to depend emotionally on anything. If you could get one second’s experience of that, you’d be breaking through your prison and getting a glimpse of the sky. Someday, maybe, you will even fly.

I was afraid to say this, but I talked to God, and I told Him that I don’t need Him. My initial reaction was: “This is so contrary to everything I’ve been brought up with.” Now, some people want to make an exception of their attachment to God. They say, “If God is the God that I think He ought to be, He’s not going to like it when I give up my attachment to Him!” All right, if you think that unless you get God you’re not going to be happy, then this “God” you’re thinking of has nothing to do with the real God. You’re thinking of a dream state; you’re thinking of your concept. Sometimes you have to get rid of “God” in order to find God. Lots of mystics tell us that.

We’ve been so blinded by everything that we have not discovered the basic truth that attachments hurt rather than help relationships. I remember how frightened I was to say to an intimate friend of mine, “I don’t really need you. I can be perfectly happy without you. And by telling you this I find I can enjoy your company thoroughly–no more anxieties, no more jealousies, no more possessiveness, no more clinging. It is a delight to be with you when I am enjoying you on a non-clinging basis. You’re free; so am I.” But to many of you this is like talking a foreign language. It took me many, many months to fully understand this, and mind you, I’m a Jesuit, whose spiritual exercises are all about exactly this, although I missed the point because my culture and my society in general had taught me to view people in terms of my attachments.

I’m quite amused, sometimes, to see even seemingly objective people like therapists and spiritual directors say of someone, “He’s a great guy, great guy, I really like him.” I find out later that it’s because he likes me that I like him. I look into myself, and I find the same thing coming up now and again: If you’re attached to appreciation and praise, you’re going to view people in terms of their threat to your attachment or their fostering of your attachment. If you’re a politician and you want to be elected, how do you think you’re going to look at people, how will your interest in people be guided? You will be concerned for the person who’s going to get you the vote. If what you’re interested in is sex, how do you think you’re going to look at men and women? If you’re attached to power, that colors your view of human beings. An attachment destroys your capacity to love.

What is love? Love is sensitivity, love is consciousness. To give you an example: I’m listening to a symphony. What is a loving heart? A loving heart is sensitive to the whole of life, to all persons; a loving heart doesn’t harden itself to any person or thing. But the moment you become attached in my sense of the word, then you’re blocking out many other things. You’ve got eyes only for the drums; the heart has hardened. Moreover, it’s blinded, because it no longer sees the object of its attachment objectively. Love entails clarity of perception, objectivity; there is nothing so clear-sighted as love.

How to Deal with Women’s Rejection of You

Rejection feels incredibly personal, but it isn’t. Women respond to our skill level, not to who we really, truly are at our core. Whatever perception she might have of us is impermanent and changeable. Her false perception of us isn’t reality, it’s her illusion.

There’s “actual value” and “perceived value” of a person. Credit goes to Lovedrop’s book Revelation for this insight. Actual value is a person’s actual character. These are real and have a real influence in the world. But they’re not easily known.

Perceived value, on the other hand, is the surface stuff. It’s the limited information, cues, and signals we see on the surface to judge someone’s value, in lieu of not knowing what a person’s actual value is.

The skill of success with women is all about communicating our actual value in terms of perceived value. Attraction has to do with persona, not a person’s actual substance. We have to PRESENT ourselves well, as well as work on ourselves as men.

Getting better with women, then, is like learning how to do a better lay-up in basketball. It’s just a skill. As my basketball coach used to always tell us, perfect practice makes perfect. Women’s rejection of us has to do with our skill level, not with our intrinsic worth as a person. Happily, a skill is learnable—by anyone.

Now, that’s all well and good on an intellectual level, but if her rejection still has you in pain, USE the emotion. Don’t surrender to it. Here’s an action plan how to do this. Credit goes to J.R. Ridinger for this insight.

STEP #1. Identify the emotion. There are two ways people deal with emotion. They either ignore it or feed it. Don’t do these. Instead, feel the emotion. Next, put a label on it. Is it anger? Sadness? Frustration? What category does it fall under?

STEP #2. Clarify the emotion. Ask yourself, “what is the emotion telling me?” Emotion is information. There’s a reason you’re feeling an emotion. Analyze the emotion to understand why you’re feeling that way.

STEP #3. Identify the action signal. Ask yourself what you can DO about it. There’s basically two actions you can take.

A. Change your perception.

B. Change your procedure.

In other words, you can change the way you think or INTERPRET whatever is making you feel the negative emotion. Or you can change your BEHAVIOR so the negative situation doesn’t happen again.

When a woman rejects you, ask what’s the SIGNAL to change? Change either your negative thoughts, or your negative behavior. This way YOU take control of emotion, rather than it control you. You make it USEFUL.

Last point. Despite any rejection from a woman, NEVER give up. KEEP on the track that you’re on. Her rejection is not of you. It’s of your skill level. Keep honing the skill. And you’ll make it through to the other side. Her rejection can empower you.

“It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.” – Confucius

Identity, part 2

Choose an identity that will make you successful with women

Every single guy has the ability to be successful with women. It’s not that some guys have it and other guys don’t. There’s no gene for success with women. ALL of us guys have it within us. We all have the masculinity that women love.

So what’s in the way of our success?

Well, there’s inner-game issues and outer-game issues.

Outer-game is about all the skills. That’s important. No doubt.

But without the right IDENTITY, or inner-game, all the skills in the world will be little better than a band-aid. Outer-game heals only the surface. But what you believe about yourself, your IDENTITY, will determine your success from the inside out.

Identity is really only a label. Be careful of the labels you put on yourself and the labels other people try to put on you. Give yourself a label that will make you more successful with women. Guess what? Your behavior will become consistent with that label.

Here’s another way of putting it.

People think they can change their behavior.

A smoker tries to quit, an obese person tries to eat less. And they fail. Why?

You can NEVER change your behavior. You have to change your identity first. Change the way you think of yourself. A smoker has to eliminate the label “smoker.” An obese person has to stop thinking of himself as someone who’s “fat.” Change the label first, even if you don’t see it yet, and the behavior will follow. Labels are like a self-fulfilling prophesy.

So, if you think of yourself as someone who’ll never be successful with women, you’ll act like that. But if you change the label and identify yourself with someone who’s irresistible to women, you’ll act more successful with women.

Change your identity first.

Decide who you want to become. And don’t “become” that person. BE that person RIGHT NOW! Now’s the time. Not later, but right now.

Speak, feel, act like a man who’s successful with women.

Now, you might hear a lot of people laugh at you and say no you “can’t” and reinforce those negative labels on you. The closest people in your life, your family and friends, will say these things to you. They’ve known you a certain way and have pigeon-holed you a certain way and they’ll resist your change.

Don’t let them.

YOU define who you are. YOU judge yourself. YOU get to determine whoever the hell you are and what you want. PERIOD.

And if you screw up along the way and get rejected by women, it’s okay. Just don’t let the screwup define you. You can screw up, but don’t be a “screwup.” You can do something stupid, but it doesn’t mean you’re “stupid.” You can do something terrible, but it doesn’t mean you’re a “terrible person.”

If you start to think you’re a “terrible person,” you’ll probably start doing more terrible things. Because that’s your identity. Do you think correctional institutions really correct behavior, or do they just reinforce a person’s identity as a “terrible person”? Don’t get me started. That’s a whole other story.

The point is, the mistakes you make aren’t your identity. It’s not permanent.

Some labels are beneficial, though. If that label or identity that brings you confidence and freedom, it will help you rather than hinder you. If you make your identity one that’s confident and one who knows how to make women feel wonderful… Your brain will figure out ways to make this come true.

So, be actively aware of any deep-seated beliefs about yourself that might be holding you back. So many of us are unconscious of the beliefs that don’t help us. Then ask who you really are at your deepest level. What is that spark in you, that divine flame, that’s been smothered? That’s who you really are.

Once you figure out who you truly are, FUSE with that identity. Step into the body of a man who’s successful with women. And emulate him. You get to decide. The rest is history.

Getting Picked up…From A Woman’s Point of View

This comes from “Bare: The Naked Truth About Stripping,” by Elisabeth Eaves.

Listen to what she says about how it might feel like to get picked up… from a woman’s point of view.

…occasionally strangers started to talk to me for no apparent reason… my usual reaction was embarrassment for having drawn attention and annoyance that my daydreaming or reading had been interrupted…

…I didn’t understand his attention. I still thought myself invisible to the world of strangers and adults…

The next year… I started to put things together…

…I broke into a jog because I was running late and wanted to get to the school where my friends would be.

A carful of boys suddenly came careening around the bend… As it passed a young man with shaggy hair bellowed out the window: “Fabulous set of tah-tahs, baby!”

I slowed to a walk and looked behind me, trying to fathom whom he was talking to, but there was no one else around. I realized, slowly, that it must have been me. I kept walking up toward the school, thinking about what he had said. I had never heard the term “tah-tahs” before. It sounded like a stupid, babyish word… But I knew instinctively what he was talking about…

Before then I had thought that effort or at least some sort of consciousness on my part might lead to sexual attention. Now I realized that I–my head, that is, my brain, my thoughts–had nothing to do with it. I looked down at my white turtleneck and pink jeans and saw my body in a new light. It was an object of interest to others that was entirely independent from who I was. And now my body became a new kind of object of interest to me. I had done nothing to achieve it. I couldn’t escape it. Yet it had clearly made those boys–or were they grown men?–behave the way they had. I felt like a child who had been handed a heavy sword and told to learn how to use it before she cut off her foot. Some time after the car had gone by, when I had put this all together, I laughed with a mixture of flattered pride and disbelief.

The incident… united my internal and external sexual worlds. I was familiar, after all, with sex, in the sense you can be familiar with anything you read about in a book… I thought about sex frequently… and I masturbated often. But up until the day at the bus stop I had not connected what went on in my head with tangible experience. Having sex was a goal, but in the abstract, in the same way I thought I might someday be a lawyer. I had assumed there were many hurdles between me and it. I had not yet discerned the link between my private thoughts and the way others saw me. And then suddenly it became clear that there were no hurdles at all. Sex was there for the taking. It was up to me.

It was a revelation… boys were now sexually available to me… I started to become dimly aware of an unwritten sexual rule book. I was stunned when I discovered that boys and girls were expected to behave differently. It violated my sense of fair play.

Here’s some things I took away from this.

1. Beauty is superficial. Don’t be interested in a woman just because she was dealt a good pair of cards. Be interested in her person. Let her earn your interest. Ways to do this: Qualify her. Neg/Banter with her.

2. This woman was shocked to learn that she didn’t have to work to get sex. All she had to do was look good. Be different. Desire her if she has a brain or a positive outlook, not just because she looks good.

3. Women are as sexual and horny (if not more) than us. She wants sex. There’s outdated, unwritten rules that makes it more difficult for women to be as sexually free as us. Don’t play by those unwritten rules. Let the sexual animal in her come out to play.

4. Oh, and it probably does feel like an interruption when we talk to her. That’s okay. Have an interesting topic of conversation prepared. You could also call this “DHV.” If she seems cool, let your interest be known based on that, and invite her out.

Don Juan DeMarco’s Approach

In my previous post, I suggested we must approach a woman by giving. This scene below shows exactly what I mean.

Also, this scene shows how foreplay IS sex. There’s no difference between picking up women and satisfying them. Picking up a woman is foreplay. This scene shows this idea, too. The way Don Juan picks her up is the way he satisfies her.


Notice these excellent fundamentals in his approach:

  • He smiles before uttering a word.
  • Before he speaks, he lets the woman check him out. If you speak before letting people check you out, they won’t be able to hear what you’re saying. They need to size you up first.
  • He gives a false time constraint: “I will not linger.” If you sit down with someone, they’ll immediately wonder how long you’ll be here. Put them at ease. Let them know you won’t stay long.
  • He immediately self-discloses. He tells her who he is.
  • He sparks sexual tension by telling her what he can do for her. It’s about her.
  • He touches her within minutes.
  • The way he speaks: with feeling, subtlety, appreciation, sincerity. You can tell how much he is in love with women. And he just sucks her into his world as a result.
  • He never states why he’s there. It’s understood. But it’s not about “me” or “taking.” He wants her, but he also wants to give something of value to her. He demonstrates his value in terms of her.
  • He’s unafraid of sex. In fact, he confidently leads her to sex. But he leads her in a way that sparks HER desires (his desire is there, but it’s not about my desires alone).

And when he’s in bed, he uses that same kind of being-in-tuned with her, enjoying every inch of her, bringing her deepest pleasure out from within her (not just sticking his dick in her). It’s an art. Nothing else exists. Time stands still. The self is gone. Complete and total care. Bliss. Listen to his words…

Every woman  is a mystery to be solved. Her skin color can tell us how to proceed. But a woman holds nothing from a true lover. Her hue, like the blush of a rose, pink and pale, she must be coaxed to open her petals with a warmth like the sun. It calls for the lust of a whale crashing to the shore, so we may steal up what lies beneath, and bring the foamy delight of love to the surface.

Although there is no metaphor that truly describes making love to a woman. The closest is playing a rare musical instrument. I wonder, does the Stradivarius violin feel the same rapture as the violinist when he coaxes his single perfect note from its heart?

Every true lover knows the moment of greatest satisfaction comes when ecstasy is long over. And he beholds before him the flower that has blossomed beneath his touch.

-Don Juan DeMarco

Starting Conversations with Women: Talk in Terms of HER

Arouse in her an eager want

Arouse in her a want

It’s scary to pick women up.

pickup girls at a club

Yep. Scary. Less scary if you know what to say, though. Photo Credit: www.collegecandy.com

What do you say? How do you avoid rejection?

The short answer is… talk about stuff she’d want to talk about.

Check out this story from Mystery.

PART ONE: Initiate an Interesting Topic of Conversation

Louie and Mystery are in a buffet restaurant eating, and 3 girls are eating at a table inconveniently 30 feet away from them.

So, they get some food and discuss a WAY IN. Louie comes up with an “ON THE FLY OPENER.”

He goes in and crash and burns. But, hey, we all gotta go through the pain of losing to start LEARNING and getting good. Right? And we can learn something from what he did.

So, this is what he did.

He carries some cookies to the girls and says:

Louie: Do you have any idea how I can secretly sneak out 16 cookies from this place without getting caught?

Girl #1: Put them in your hood.

Louie: I could do that by throwing them into the air and catching them… cha ching!

Have no idea what that means, but points for being kinda unique.

Then he fucks it up by sitting with them. This makes the girls feel invaded and uncomfortable, because… and here’s the key… he had not yet initiated an interesting topic of conversation, so that they would WANT him there.

But hey, the dude TRIED. Major points for that.

Again, he failed to initiate an INTERESTING TOPIC OF CONVERSATION. Lesson: Before approaching chicks, have an interesting topic of conversation ready to engage them.

Okay, fine. What exactly is an “INTERESTING” topic of conversation?

Excellent question.

PART TWO: Talk about stuff SHE’D like to talk about

People don’t care about what you want. People care about what THEY want.

Don’t worry about getting her to like you. See something good about her, and point this out. Like her first. Talk about her favorite subject. HER.

Think in terms of her point of view, and talk about things from this angle.

The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. Rare is the guy who approaches a woman and talks in terms of THEM, and gives them FEELING GOOD. This guy is so rare, that he’ll stand out. She’ll stop, and take notice.

By talking in terms in her, you’ll arouse in her a want. She’ll want to talk.

Also, being enthusiastic arouses a want in others to talk as well. People connect with that emotion. That’s a cool emotion to connect with, especially for a woman you’d like to get to know better.

Henry Ford:

“If there’s any one secret to success it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle, as well as from your own.”

1. Talk about stuff that SHE’D like to talk about.

2. Be enthusiastic and fascinated. She’ll enjoy talking with you because of how you make her FEEL.

3. Share some insight into who she is. All of us humans enjoy learning, especially if it gives us some insight into who we are.

Talk in terms of her. You’ll arouse in her a want. That’s all you need.

PART THREE: Chick Crack

Here’s some possible topics you can open with.

By the way, this is why Style’s and Mystery’s routines work so well. They were based on the principle of TALKING IN TERMS OF HER.

You only have to pick one or two topics below.

I. Self-Disclose

A. Your Passion

  • My most successful conversation starter was telling a girl straight out that my passion is writing. Benefits: a) She knows who she’s talking with. b) Passion is a feeling everyone can relate to. c) Afterwards, I get to ask what HER passion is. This is what I really care about. I wanna know who this chick is.

B. A Funny or Embarrassing Story

  • Cosmo has an entire column called “Confessions,” which is all about embarrassing moments. What does that tell you? A funny embarrassing story makes her laugh, and shows your human side. (examples: “The W,” “Two Girls Fighting Outside”)

C. Enthusiastic News that would excite HER

  • Article you just read that’s girl-relevant… maybe a new take on cheating, or how girls think
  • Great thing that just happened to you… maybe you just got promoted
  • Cool movie or concert you just saw… maybe you just saw Avengers
  • Cool fact or discovery (like of Google Earth) that totally FASCINATED you

II. “Who You Are” Tests

(Shed some insight about who she is. And actually learn about her.)

A. Shorter Tests. First 2 minutes to “hook” the girl.

  • Make Observations about Her (“The Rings Routine” or “Best Friend’s Test” are examples and even Style’s “Eliciting Values” works here)
  • How Her… and Everyone else’s… Mind Works/NLP Discoveries (“Eye Accessing Cues” or Ross Jeffries’ “Blammo” pattern are examples)
  • Astrology (Ask “what’s your sign.” Have some knowledge about astrology.)

B. Longer Tests. After you’ve “hooked” her (to build comfort and rapport).

  • Palmistry (Brad P’s Palmistry Joke is great here. If you’ve got the patience to actually learn this stuff, good luck haha)
  • Handwriting Analysis, Tarot Card Reading
  • Others: The Cube, The 4 Question Psychological Test, Mystery’s “The Question Game,” Style’s “Secret Self”

III. Girl-Relevant Topics

A. Relationships

  • especially if there’s a lot of drama. Get a female perspective.

B. “Cute” stuff, like Animals and Children

  • Women when they see something small and cute always say: “That’s sooooooo cute!” I don’t understand it. I just go with it.

C. The Unknown

  • Magic, ghosts, the occult, the spiritual. Who isn’t FASCINATED by a little mystery?

D. Fashion

  • Tip: if you compliment her on her fashion, be specific. Insight is the difference between a generic compliment and a genuine one. Asking her for fashion advice works too.

E. Trends

  • Reality TV (i.e. The Bachelor or American Idol), celebrity gossip, pop-culture (movies, music).

So, those are some topics that might be interesting to HER.

PART FOUR: Before and After Starting a Conversation and “The Initial Benefit Statement”

BEFORE you initiate a topic of conversation, NEG HER.

For example you could say something as simple as, “I can already tell, you and I are NOT going to get along.” Laughter breaks the ice. But this special kind of FLIRTATIOUS laughter, creates all-important sexual tension. I’ve got more on this in my article “Flirting.”

AFTER initiating an interesting topic of conversation, ASK ABOUT HER.

This is so important. Don’t be the dancing monkey. Qualify her. It avoids you getting stuck, and moves the conversation forward.

Then when she answers your question, STATE YOUR INTEREST in her. Now she knows why you’re there. And close the deal. Easy cheesy.

By the way, what do the topics I listed above have in common?

They’re emotional. I mean you don’t have to exactly debate passion. That’d be ridiculous. It’s not factual or intellectual. It’s emotional.

And they have to do with HER. That’s exactly my point.

Instead of trying to “get” her, you’re “giving” value to her.

It’s like you’re saying, “Hey, here’s feeling good.” She can take it or leave it. You don’t care, you just wanted to spread some good feelings. Nice.

We usually think in terms of “me.” What I want. Wouldn’t you say it’s hard to bridge the gap to another person that way? Why not then think in terms of them? What they want. Imagine yourself in their shoes.

In sales, there’s something called the “Initial Benefit Statement.” It’s all about how you BENEFIT them. When you approach a prospective client, you must tell them




Do the SAME THING when starting conversations with women.

When you




she’s enjoying herself, because really it’s all about her. She knows who she’s talking with. Then when you state your interest in her, she knows why you’re there.

So, have an interesting topic of discussion ready before you approach a girl. Talk in terms of her. Who cares about “getting”? Just give.

Ahhhhhh. The ice has melted. You didn’t try to “get” her. You were just giving to her.  Photo Credit: http://9ja-dejavu.blogspot.com/2012/03/signs-that-she-is-into-you.html