The Five Attraction Switches


This is one of my favorite discoveries by Mystery.

He argued there are 5 attraction switches in the female mind. And he found that any man who systematically triggers these switches over and over again will get some serious indicators of interest from a woman.

If you’re anything like me, I always used to think looks and being nice was what attracted women. Because looks attract me, and who wants someone who’s mean? I’m not a tall guy, and I found even if I was the nicest guy in the world to a woman, it didn’t attract her.

So, I kinda resigned myself to the fact that I’d never be attractive to women. I mean if you listen to women, one of the things they always say they want in a man is height. And although they say they like a nice guy, they always seemed to end up with one of the “bad boys.”

Happily I found out from my pickup journey that it’s not looks or being a “bad boy” that attract women. It’s PERSONALITY. More specifically, a MASCULINE personality.

Height and the “bad boy” thing are just surface symptoms of something deeper that’s going on.

It’s not those things per se that attracts women. It’s the feeling she gets from the height difference, and the feeling she gets with a bad boy. Namely, she’s a woman, and he’s the man.

Well, there are other ways to create that feeling inside a woman without having to be tall or without having to be a bad boy or without being rich.

Enter the 5 Attraction “Switches.”


They’re 5 aspects of a masculine personality that make a woman feel like she’s with a man. Even if you’re not tall or the best looking guy or superrich or whatever, if you’ve got these 5 traits, you’ll turn her on… and on a PRIMAL level. They can’t help but feel attraction.

Before I get into the 5 switches, I wanna bring home an important point about all this.

More than Demonstrate, EMBODY these 5 Traits

Okay, so after you open a set, the objective is to systematically trigger these attraction switches. This is done through DHVs or “Demonstrations of Higher Value.” Cool.

But the point I wanna make is DHVs aren’t so much “demonstrations.” They’re “embodiments” of these 5 switches. Don’t stop triggering these switches in the attract phase. It continues in comfort, in seduction, and after you have sex with her… forever.

In other words, don’t just demonstrate these traits. BE these traits. Don’t just try to get a beautiful woman. BE a man of higher value that NATURALLY attracts the most beautiful women in your life.

Make sense?

So much about the “demonstration” part of DHV. Let’s real quickly look at the “value” part.

Value doesn’t refer to some esoteric, abstract thing. It’s very specific. It’s survivor value that a woman can USE.

Let me back up.

In evolutionary theory, there’s this idea that we humans want to survive, but also we want to replicate our genes to keep our species alive. At base we humans want two basic things: to survive and to replicate.

Men seem to be attracted to replication value, such as youth, waist-to-hip ratio, and all that.


They’re signs of fertility and health.

Women seem to be attracted to survival value, such as high social status, leadership, wealth of resources. They want a man who can protect and take care of her.

So, the 5 attraction switches revolve around this one theme. Being a “survivor.” The reason this “value” is valuable is because it’s a benefit to her. You’re someone who can take care of her and protect her. There’s a primal, feminine use in it for her.

Trigger these switches and you trigger a primal urge in her to have a masculine man in her life. Her biological, physical, feminine self can’t help but WANT to “merge” and “reproduce” with this man of a man.

What I’m trying to say is, don’t make DHV about me, me, me or showing off or bragging about how awesome you are.


Make the 5 triggers things to embody FOR REAL, and make DHV about how you benefit her. Don’t be a “getter,” be a “giver.” Don’t try to “get” her replication value from her for your gain. Be someone with a lot of survivor value that’d she want to get for herself. This puts the desire in her for you.


That’s what I’m talkin’ bout.

I wanted to make that point because when I first started off, I used to think DHV was about me and showing off. Just the opposite. It’s about honest-to-God becoming a better man, which benefits others.

Phew. Now that I’ve got that out of the way, let’s talk about these switches.

The 5 “Switches”

The first switch is “Preselection.”


All this means is you’re attractive to other women. She’ll instantly feel a pang of curious attraction for you if she sees this. You have value for other women, so you must have value for her. All happening on the subconscious level.

How to demonstrate this?

Have women around you is the easiest way to trigger this switch. If you don’t have girls to roll with, be talking to everyone in the bar or lounge. Meet girls there. Women see this, and they want to be where the excitement is. You can also convey preselection by mentioning your past girlfriends, or joking about how many women are clamoring for you or by sharing you have knowledge of women.

The second switch is “The Leader of Men.”


A lot of guys think it’s impossible to approach a woman with guys in the group. It’s not impossible. It can actually be to your advantage.

You can lead men by telling them stories, showing respect to them, getting along with them. If they start acting like a dick, handle them with class and respect. You’re leading them. That’s attractive.

The third switch is “Protector of Loved Ones.”


Loved ones include parents, siblings, friends, girlfriends. How much do you care for them? Has there ever been a time when they were in danger and you were there to help them or protect them?

Show her that her life would be improved if she built an alignment with you. You can convey this in small gestures like pulling out a chair for her, opening a door for her, giving her your coat if she gets cold, helping an old lady cross the street, showing kindness to the waiter, standing up for yourself or for her.

The fourth switch is “Willingness to Emote.”


When you open a set, systematically demonstrate your emotional state. For example, smile when you approach. When you speak, speak expressively and with enthusiasm. Have a demeanor like you’re celebrating like it’s the end of Ocean’s Eleven: “I need nothing from you. I’m just enjoying myself. Who are you? And that’s special because?”

Be lit up from the inside, passionate, enthusiastic. They’ll feel that. Also, playing an instrument for them, singing for them, sharing a touching story are ways to make her feel. Women are emotional.


Wonderful, positive emotions attract them like bees to honey.

The fifth switch is “Successful Risk Taker.”


You don’t have to be a millionaire to attract women. But you do want to show women you at least have direction in your life. You’re going somewhere. And you live life on the edge, challenging yourself to take the risks to get there. That’s attractive.

Sharing your goals, dreams, and passions is one way to convey this. Also, we all have success stories from our past. Sharing these stories about how you overcame odds puts you in a positive light and builds feelings of attraction in her for you.

HOW to use these 5 “Switches”

Of the five switches, the most important to trigger IN FIELD, like in a bar or other public gathering, is “Preselection.” It’s the equivalent of a big pair of tits for us.


When you’re first starting out, get good at triggering these 5 attraction switches for at least 25 minutes. 25 minutes because that’s the time frame from opening a group to C1 or building comfort with her.

At first, incorporate these DHV “spikes” or triggers into the stories you tell and in your behavior. But if you’re going to tell stories, tell them to the group, not to your target. That way it shows you’re not after her. At first, if you do say anything to her, neg her or banter with her. This creates sexual tension.

When you’re in comfort with her, obviously continue to incorporate these traits into your stories and behavior. It doesn’t ever stop. One difference between the attract and comfort phase is let HER talk. Entice her to DHV to you, and listen to what she has to say. Connect. But still sprinkle in some banter and be a bit of a challenge. She doesn’t “have” you yet.

Get good at a 25 minute act where the character you play is the best version of you. Soon this will be how you walk through the world. And every woman WILL want you. This isn’t some pretend thing. This isn’t something you do in a bar just to attract women.

Like I said at the beginning of all this, this is about becoming these traits so they naturally come across without you even having to think about it. Build a life FOR REAL worthy to bring beautiful women into.

women running on beach

Here’s what you can do RIGHT NOW.

Step One: Answer this super-important question. What’s your passion in life? What lights you up inside? What’s something that you could do for hours? What’s your deepest gift? What were you put in this world for? Okay, that was five. I know. But they’re different ways of asking the same question. The answer might not come to you right away. But dwell on the question of your purpose. The answer will eventually come.

Step Two: When your answer comes, which usually comes in the form of a feeling, listen to it. And start doing it RIGHT AWAY. Every day spend at least an hour to make your purpose a reality. Make this hour a priority each day.

Step Three: Next time you’re in set, share your passion with everyone. And ask them what their passion is. THAT is a DHV… as well as a qualifier.

Other things you can do right now:

1. Before you open a set, talk to EVERYONE. Say “how’s your night going” to the bouncer, the bartender, and to the first people you see. This is the practice of “Preselection” and “Leader of Men.”

2. Smile on your approach. In fact, practice smiling to at least three strangers a day. This is the practice of “Willingness to emote.” If you want to take this step further, learn a musical instrument. And select one DHV story, feel the emotion in the story, and  practice telling it with expression.

3. Mention a girlfriend or ex-girlfriend or a banter about having lots of girlfriends at least once while you’re in set. This is the practice of “Preselection.”

4. Each day, do at least one good deed for a friend, family member or whoever else. Help someone with their homework, take out the trash for your mother, if you’ve got a girl in your life open the car door for her. This is the practice of “Protector of Loved Ones.”

5. By far the most important thing you can do RIGHT NOW is to figure out your purpose in life. So much of our masculinity is wrapped up in having direction, giving our light to the world, and taking the necessary risks to make it happen.

As always, more important than “getting” women is serving a higher purpose than yourself. Everything else will fall into place.

THE END… And a parting gift of inspiration.

49 thoughts on “The Five Attraction Switches

  1. Javiel Crux

    Well I’m a student and im in summer break right now im going to a new school and I don’t want to be a loser or a nerd whatever you want to call it and I really want a girlfriend will this help me.

    1. renaissan

      Yes it will! The biggest takeaway from this article is to BECOME these five attraction switches (not just to demonstrate them).

      That means: being taking on leadership roles, learning how to become more successful with women (which you’re doing right now), helping out your family and loved ones in some way, being enthusiastic, passionate, expressive, not being afraid to smile, and having goals or a purpose in life and taking the risks to make them happen.

      Girls find that kind of guy super attractive.

      If you want a great place to start in learning how to be more successful with women I’d start with David DeAngelo’s (inexpensive, it’s like $15-20) ebook “Double Your Dating.” It’s short, easy to read, and will give you a great foundation.

      Thanks for writing in. Let me know if you have any questions. Would love to answer them.

      1. Timbo

        I figured out most of this stuff before I found this site, but it is nice to know for sure that I am right.

  2. Jeroen

    Dear renaissan, I’m a 21 year old and i never had a girlfriend nor had sex.
    My first problem is probably that I’m too nervous to approach sets. I once was in a club with a PUA and I totally shut down when i had to approach a set.
    Then I once went to the city on my own to sarge, i was in a club, became too nervous to open a set and went out again, feeling like a big loser.
    My second problem is that when I try to create a DHV story that it sounds corny. Does it even matter what you say? or is anything good, as long as it brings the 5 values?

    Love to hear from you

    1. renaissan

      Hey Jeroen,

      First of all thanks for writing in!

      Second of all, you are TOTALLY normal for feeling that anxiety before approaching sets. In fact, I still get nerves before I approach. Mystery, the world’s greatest pickup artist says he still gets nerves before he approaches. So, you’re in good company. It can feel scary.

      Third of all, let’s talk about your DHV story. Don’t worry too much about that yet. BE the five attraction switches in your every day life (not just when approaching women), and you won’t have to worry about demonstrating them. They’ll come out of you naturally.

      And the best way to attract women right off the bat is banter, not the DHV story. Here’s a banter line works well for me:

      “Hey, you guys look kinda cool, so I just wanted to say hi and see what you were like. And quit looking at my chest! My eyes are up here. Jeez, all you girls do is think about is one thing.”

      After they laugh, I’ll share myself. “You guys are cool. You have a sense of humor. I’m having such a great night. Are you having a great night? My passion in life is writing and I can’t think of a better way to have stuff to write about than to meet new people.” Having a passion in life is a DHV.

      Right after that, I qualify them: “Are you guys passionate? Yeah? Well, what lights you up?” When I find out their passion, I give them appreciation for their answer. “That’s so cool!” And the question about their passion naturally leads into a routine called “Style’s E.V.” You’re already into a conversation now.

      From there you can say “Pleasure meeting you.” Or you can state your interest in one of the girls. “I like this one. Let’s go to Vegas tonight and get married. I’ll dress you up as Catwoman, and I’ll be Batman.” Notice another banter line. If she’s laughing, chances are she’s willing to exchange numbers or email or Facebook info.

      Try it out and see how it works. Definitely ask if you have any other questions. The fact you’re out in the field is AWESOME. That’s more than a lot of guys do. Keep going out, and remember it’s okay to fail. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve failed. But failure is the backdoor to success.

  3. Gerald

    Dear renaissan, I’m a 20 year old and i have no girlfriend but friends who are girls that just relegate me down to the friend zone.
    I get nervous with a girl i admire and i struggle to keep up the conversation.
    I need help seriously because girls who admire loss intrest few daysafter we have met. Inbox me pls. anyway thnks for the infor i love ur site.

    1. renaissan

      Hey Gerald,

      I can relate, and I’ve definitely been there.

      Let me ask you this: would you get nervous talking to a five year old girl? Or an eighty-year-old woman? Or one of your guy friends?

      If not… what is it about this girl that makes you nervous? ‘Cause this girl takes a shit and has insecurities and wants to be loved like any other person…

  4. Pingback: The Six Human Needs | Whet Your Woman

  5. Derek

    Hey Renaissan,
    I was reading about the “preselection” that you mentioned here, if I’m to do this in college, wont this give out an image that i’m a womanizer or that i’m a flirt? If so, wouldnt that be a problem?
    Btw.. big fan *thumbs up*

    1. renaissan

      Hey Derek,

      Thanks, man.

      No, she wouldn’t think you’re a womanizer. Not unless you portray yourself as a womanizer.

      But if you mention an ex-girlfriend in a story here and there… and talk about her in a positive way you’ll switch the preselection switch.

      If you mention tips you’ve learned about how to succeed with women (“I always make sure a girl comes before I do,” as an example), you’ll show you have value to women.

      If you play-fight with a woman, pushing her away playfully as if you’re the prize and she’s chasing you, you create a humorous frame that implies you have success with women.

      You’re not portraying yourself as a womanizer here. Just that you have value for other women. Once she gets that message, chances are she’ll think you might have value to her. And that’s attractive.

  6. Cupid_007

    Great article! I like the practical examples you gave about how to demonstrate preselection. Simply mentioning that you’ve been with girls before or showing insider knowledge of female psychology shows social proof.

    Social proof is one of the most powerful attraction switches. So powerful it’s one of the 6 major factors in the book “Influence” by Robert Cauldini.

    I also liked how you pointed out WHY the “protector of loved ones” switch is important. Having resources and power is worthless to her unless she feels that she can potentially have access to them if she were close to you. In other words, when she sees how you act to those who you are close to (“loved ones”) then that encourages her to get to the same level as them in order to similarly gain those benefits. It encourages mutual commitment.

    1. renaissan

      Very well said.

      First of all, awesome that you picked on how simple preselection you can be. And you nailed the connection between social proof and preselection. Preselection IS social proof… but applied to the dating arena.

      Second of all, sweet-ass connection you made between “protector of loved ones” and access to resources. You’re right. If a woman knows you’re a protector and caretaker in your everyday life, she’ll know you’ll be a protector and caretaker for her. And she’ll want you more. ‘Cause women want to be protected and taken care of.

      Which reminds me of this interview I heard between Robert Glover (author of “No More Mr. Nice Guy”) and David DeAngelo. Glover’s a psychologist, and has listened to female patient after female patient talk about their needs and wants. One pattern he picked up on was women seemed to consistently express a want/need for security.

      Well, a “protector of loved ones” can provide a sense of security for her. And if he can convey he’s that type of man (not just a man with wealth but a man who protects and cares loved ones with his heart), he’ll all of a sudden grow the equivalent of a nice pair of tits.

  7. Jose Cespedes

    All I have to do is apply the pre selected abbreviation concepts. I have confidence. So, I know what rapport is…
    Like your personal resumé for a woman.
    Taking it not as serious as your job, not that is less important, just a different approach in social life.

  8. Naik

    Hey renaissan!

    I’m crazy in love with my best friend, but I don’t see her a lot due to me being in college. However, I try very hard to meet with her once a week. I mostly propose to meet, but she often has as well. I don’t think she knows how crazy I am about her. When we meet, we always watch movies, talk, have fun, there’s always touching (not intimate, more in a childish way) and we always lie close to each other. However…

    … I can’t get inside her head. If she told me right now she doesn’t have any feelings for me at all, I’d understand. If she told me right now she’s been in love with me for a while and that I didn’t notice her signs, I’d understand. It’s hard to make a clear image of her…

    I tried the pyramid stare thingy, where you look from one eye to the other, then look at her lips, rinse and repeat. I sometimes catch her staring at my lips as well. But, as I’m very insecure regardless of lots of women who think I’m handsome, I wouldn’t dare go in for the kill. Because of the fear for rejection. When I’m at a club, this same fear strikes again. Up to a point that I only dare take it to the next level with a girl when I’m drunk, so that I have an excuse if she rejects me. (alcohol)

    Some advice/tips/suggestions are MOST welcome. I appreciate your work and hopefully you can help me out. Thanks brother!

    1. renaissan

      I feel ya, brother, I really do.

      Going in for the first kiss is probably the second most scary thing to do with a woman. The first, of course, is approaching a girl we like for the first time. They’re scary for the same reason: we can get rejected.

      Bravo for trying out the triangular gaze thing, by the way. If she was looking at your lips too that was a LOUD green light. She wanted you to kiss her!

      Next time, all you’ve gotta do is lean in 90% of the way for the kiss… let her come in the other 10%.

      If the first kiss is still scary, try this. Smell her for like five minutes straight without kissing her. Move a hair out of the way. Then kiss her. Check out my post on the kiss close for more:

      Or, if you need to keep your mouth moving try “The Evolutionary Phase Shift Routine.”

      Style (Neil Strauss) devised it because the first kiss was a sticking point for him, too. This routine allowed him to move his mouth while going in for the kiss. Made him feel more comfortable doing it. And it seemed to minimize rejection.

      Here’s the routine. By they way, you don’t have to use every word here. Feel free to adapt to your own style:


      “Oh my God you smell good, what are you wearing?”

      (She tells you)

      “Oh my God that smells good.”

      (Smell her near her shoulders up toward her ears)

      “I was watching this nature show and it was saying how much information our scents carry. And the animal part in us is like hard-wired to respond to it.

      “They showed this part where a lion would smell the lioness and then he’d bite the back of her mane. And she just immediately went into mating mode. It was kinda cool. But I don’t think we’re that different.”

      “Like ever had someone grab your hair and pull it from behind? Watch. Like this.”

      (Go up the back of her neck, get a good chunk, pull it back fairly hard)

      “Doesn’t that feel great?”

      “Another thing that feels great is the parts of your body that bend. They have the most nerve endings. And the parts that you see the least, like behind the knee too…”

      (touch behind her knee)

      “And this crease there?”

      (touch crease where bicep and forearm connect)

      “When you bite it, it’s the best feeling in the world. Next time you’re with a guy you should have him try that.”

      (She: Why aren’t you trying that?)

      “Okay, what the hell.”

      (Take a chunk of skin between your teeth and give it a firm nibble. Should give her the chills.)

      “You know what’s even better than that? The neck, right here where the jugular vein is most exposed… biting it. Since most sexual fantasies have to do with submission and vulnerability, it sends all the fantasy signals flying. Bite my neck. Let me see how well you can do it.”

      (She bites your neck)

      “Oh my God on a scale of 1 – 10, that’s a 6. Here’s how you bite.”

      (Bite her neck)

      “Okay try again.”

      (She bites your neck)

      “Mm. Now that was a ten. Come here.”

      Kiss her.

      Keep the kiss light at first (DON’T shove your tongue down her throat). Pull away first. Leave her wanting more. Builds even more sexual tension. I guarantee she’ll be kissing you again.

      But again, you don’t need this routine to kiss her. It’s just there in case you’re still nervous and you need to keep your mouth running in order for you to feel more comfortable.

      My favorite way to go in for the first kiss (if I’m feeling nervous) is first tell her how great she smells and that I wanna smell her for like five minutes straight. I just smell her without touching her or kissing her. She’ll be ready to be kissed. Then kiss. This is great because it creates sexual tension before going in for the kiss.

      I think you’ll see going in for the first kiss isn’t as bad as you think. I have a feeling she wants you to kiss her. Just go for it. I know you’ll be golden.

      Let me know if you have any other questions. And good luck.

      1. Naik

        Hey man

        Thanks a lot. I’m going to skip the whole smelling documentary talk because it seemed very awkward to me personally, but telling her how good she smells etc is definitely a good idea. I’ll be reading the attached link as well. I probably meet up with her tomorrow. I’ll let you know how it goes. Thanks a bunch champ.

    2. renaissan

      Tell me about it. You don’t need the whole “documentary” talk. I’ve never used it myself, but it’s there in case a guy wants to keep his mouth moving. Let me know how it goes.

  9. Ricky Stanton

    Thank you so much this website was very very helpful and very educational I went through a divorce two an half years ago after 25 years of marriage and I am slowly begin to date again and this will help a lot thank you!!!

  10. Josh B.

    Hey, I’m 24 and I still have gotten girlfriends but I feel myself slipping into the same pattern, I end up turning into their psychiatrist. I get friend zoned a lot as well. I will use some techniques like the helping loved ones, seems like it might help, and thx for helping people like me already. I was just wondering if you had any tips to avoid being friend zoned…

    1. renaissan

      Ah, the friend zone. And turning into a woman’s psychiatrist. We’ve all been there. I certainly have. Let me give you the short answer:

      With the friend-zone, usually a guy has attracted a girl. Excellent! He’s taking the time to build comfort and get to know a girl. Awesome! Only problem is, he gets stuck in the comfort-building phase. He doesn’t transition into the “seduction” phase.

      The best way to transition into seduction is kino. To make the move. To touch her. If you don’t get sexual with her, the window of opportunity will usually close, and she’ll begin seeing you as a friend.

      By the way, the window of opportunity lasts between four to ten hours after you’ve met a girl, seven hours on average. Most of the time, if a guy doesn’t “make a move” within this time, a girl will start to think “well maybe he’s not interested in me in that way. Maybe he’s just a friend.”

      I’ve written an article about kino, and how to transition into kino over here:

      One big secret is to transition into seduction is to be already touching a girl while building comfort. Hugging, giving her a massage, playing thumb-wars… or any other flirty/fun play-fighting game that involves touching/body contact. Makes it seamless to kiss because you’ve already been touching.

      Voila! Friend-zone averted. Please let me know if this helps at all. Great question!

  11. Dan

    Good article, thank you.

    I am 55 and always found the kino transition moment quite fun. Girls will always signal you when they want touch… by touching you. My favorite escalation is to gently caress her inner arm close to the wrist as I gently then clasp her hand in mine as we walk side by side. Shows her you can be tender, yet you’re making a move. Classy and always inspires confidence.
    Thanks again for the article.

    1. renaissan

      My pleasure Dan! Thank YOU for the comment. Great tip about how girls will signal guys they wanna be touched… by touching the guy first. So true. And I love the tender style of escalation. Very classy. Valuable comments, Dan. Thanks man.

  12. Jordon

    I’ve been working diligently to reinvent myself when in all actuallity i should be refining myself. Thank you for this information and I will be focused on these five triggers for the next week also when I need them for real I’ll be doing them without even knowing it.

    1. renaissan

      EXACTLY! Living these five attraction switches for real is the whole point.

      I also like your distinction between reinventing yourself vs. refining yourself. Great point. You don’t need to be anyone different. Just need bring out what’s best in you already to the surface.

  13. thomas

    Thx for a great blog.
    my quiestion is … you hear all the time that a man is way to nice way soft way bla bla…
    But as i understand it its all about ballance like have a pssion a life goal for you as a man But still care about this girl and always keep the ballance so you alway stay confident.
    The social part i like really much i understand why perople are attracted to the leader in a group as long as he is the cool fun and caring guy. but what is it whit all that bad boy talk.. Been there done that i did work but i also heard a lot of women and now i actuerly feeling to kind i am willing to do alt to my fellow people my “gf” when i have one or just to others…

    I’m in a on/off relassionship right now, she is kind of in the middle of it all she like like me but still have doubts.
    I starting to see others no sex but as long as she can commit 100 procent i am free to do what ever i want.. And what and how should i tell her that im hanging around new girls or should i even tell her that ???

    1. renaissan

      I think I understand your question. Are you saying that you’d like to see other women and you’re not sure whether you should tell your on-again-off-again girlfriend about it? If so, I always recommend honesty. Let me know if I’m understanding your question well though. And we can talk about the best way to be honest with her…

  14. thomas p

    Thx for respond… Yes you understand correct but things changed…..
    A short info about this relasionship.

    We met around january.
    She is in the 44 im 31 she been divorced and have 2 kids.
    I’ve been partying many years and been doing concerts…

    We had the first date in mid january and saw each other a few times, and she went on hollidays.
    so we did not see each other for some weeks, i’ve met her kids and her mom and her x to a game where her kid was playing.
    in the beginning we talked a lot she told me she had fallen in love with me and i got scared and kind of running away but i knew i felt big feelings for her so i decided to let go of the fear of being let down by love.
    we laught talked great sex you know. but in the end of march we ended up in a big fight i was kind of insane you know love….. and she felt her energy was really low so that morning she had to go because of a workshop we ended up fighting and i lost my control witch ment that i was rough in my way of talking to her and yes she got really sad.
    We did talk in the night and she asked me not to call her.. i told her i loved her and she responded she was so confused.
    We did not talk for some days then she wrote but i did not respond before some days after.
    She called me and we talked she invited me home her kids was there.
    One of them got sad in the night so i told her i would go home.
    After some days she called me on work i asked what was going on and she told me she need to stop it…
    We met to give each other our things a little kiss and then done.
    The we kind of started up again but yes she called it of and i wrote oki but think this is crazy.

    the day after she wrote I did not respond. the second day she wrote again.
    Did not respond. In the middle of the late night she wrote a long message where she told me how she felt…..

    Did not respond. about 3 4 days after i contacted her we talked and yes decided to see each other again. it all kind of went good, but then last week we met at me i ws going for a buisness trip she slept here and i went away.
    We had a short talk when i was on the trip got home a few days after and talked shortly…
    But then i tried writing to her she did not respond before the next day witch is cool but not normaly in this the next evning i knew something was wrong so i worte a message in a feeling of confusnes and anger and sadness sent but knew it was wrong so i made it up we the true message to her. she told me today she need to work on her self witch i understand but i can’t let go of her.
    Someone told me… the deeper you love feelings is to each other the bigger fights you will have at least in the start months… so yes i met a nother women but she can give me that eeling as this girl…

    My new quiestion is should i keep fighting for her and if so what should i do?
    how can i re kindle her back and how can i build up the conection with out going back in the past?
    How can i make her feel me the love again?

    How can i make her realise that i am the man and she should be gratfull for everthing i am will to do by making her feel loved and feel save and all that

    1. renaissan

      Wow, this is deep. And obviously there’s a lot of passion between the two of you. I’m not sure if I can answer your questions well enough for you. I do know this. We often link how we feel around a person to that person.

      So, if we feel negative feelings of pain with a person, often we’ll want to take a step back from them. Likewise, if we feel positive feelings of pleasure with a person, often we’ll want more of that person.

      It sounds like your relationship began with a lot of pleasurable feelings but took a turn into some negativity. This may be why your girl has said she’d like to “work on herself now.”

      If that’s the case, give her that space. Time (and distance) can sometimes clean and heal things. In that space, rather than “blame” her, I’d look at myself to see how I could have possibly done things differently.

      If I saw the girl again, I’d see how things went. If things blossomed again, then I’d know we may have been “meant” to be. In our next go around I would do my part to do things better.

      If things didn’t blossom again, that’s okay too. Maybe things weren’t meant to be. Maybe she could be a friend. As they say, there are many, many (billions of) fish in the sea…

      1. srilankaboy1983

        Thx for responds.
        So i decided once to break UP with her.
        2 days Before we had to start Some work Education. NOT the Best MOVE.
        She asked me why i was kind of quiet In the phone told her that i did NOT work.
        Still we started at the work Education 5 5 days after we did NOT talk She was brokken. I decided to write a personale reflected letter to her explaining my point Of view and She returnd my letter.
        It’s 3 months ago Now ish.
        Been on dates having sex with Some other garls to but still want her somehow.
        I wrot to her that i Like a dialog She Saw This AS i wanted US to try again or that was kind what She wrote She believe i wrote.
        I know if i’m asking her to Do that i Will be the One who Will be hurtfull but if NOT what THEN.
        Never been In Any serious relasionship always been far away from my own feelings but This is different.
        How and if what should i Do?
        She knew i had Some fun a few days after we brok UP…
        I know attraktion is everything so what to Do? We see each other again In late september

      2. renaissan

        I’m not sure if I completely understood your note, but let me ask this. Does she want a relationship with you? It sounds like you like this girl a lot. If both of you want this, then I see no harm in taking another stab at making this work.

        But if she has moved on in anyway, the best thing to do may be to let her go. I know it’s easier to say this than to do it. I’ve been in a situation where I had to let go of a woman I was in love with. It was so hard and painful, but in the long run, it set us both free. Letting go can also be seen as an act of love.

        If she does want to make things work, the only other question I’d ask is about the issue of long distance. It sounds like the two of you live at some distance from each other? If so, you might have to ask yourself the question about how tenable it is to have a long-distance with her. Long-distance relationships are challenging because you lose that physical, person-to-person contact.

        Please let me know if this answers your question at all or if I’m off the mark.

  15. Timbo

    I have a question about this stuff. I have no doubt that it works, but is it in any way like Derek rakes material, sonic seduction and those “books.”

    Personaly I dont even know why I look this stuff up anyone, i spent 4 years researching dating technique, while sifting the truth from the lies. I currently have 5 girls crushing on me, but I don’t have time for a relationship.

    This isn’t really your area of expertise, but if you have any suggestions on what to do, that would be great.

    P.s. I am totally going to take psychology in college.

    1. renaissan

      Hey Timbo,

      I’ve never heard of Derek Rake until you mentioned him. Often seduction gurus take the fundamentals of attraction and repackage them as something “new.” I took a quick glance at Sonic Seduction and my suspicion is it’s a repackaging.

      In other words, you know how fad diets claim to discover something new about losing weight for marketing purposes but the truth is some fundamentals don’t go out of style? It’s the same in the seduction community. They repackage a basic insight that philosopher Jean Baudrillard crystallized in a sentence: “challenge and not desire lies at the heart of seduction.” Their purpose is to make money.

      But it sounds like you’re applying that insight to great success. You’ve got five girls crushing on you. Awesome!

      Was that your question, by the way? How to handle five girls without getting into a relationship? If so, I have a major interest in that question myself. I actually wrote an article about that over here:

      The basic idea is we must be upfront with the women who are crushing on us so we don’t deceive and so they can choose. So, at the beginning we must let them know we’re not in the “relationship phase of life” right now. We’re in a “dating phase” of our life. You’d be surprised how many women respect this, and still don’t mind “dating” you as a result.

      Majoring in psychology sounds like a great idea. Thanks for the comment man!

  16. Gerald Lyons

    I like where this is heading as person growth is important to me as I strive constantly to bed better. I think this might bed the right path. This pushpull thing seems juvenile evan childish.

    1. renaissan

      I’m glad to hear you’re about self-development. That’s exactly the approach I take with this blog–pickup as a path toward self-development. Now, what part of push-pull is juvenile and childish in your view?

  17. samtotheg

    Ive commented on this page before and I wanna give an update ..ive gotten attraction to work (bootcamps with a guy you might know Colgate ) has helped with that (as well as tips from other coaches that work with discovery) it all works it just took 2 bootcamps and 250 sets in to get it , thanks though for SOLID advice Ren,(didnt get it then )

    1. renaissan

      This makes me so happy to hear! I appreciate you reaching out to let me know this. And your kind words about the stuff you found on this blog means a lot.

      By the way, the fact that you did 250 sets says a lot. All the stuff on this blog means nothing without practice. My guess is APPLYING these techniques is what gave you your “aha” moment. (Having face to face contact with two awesome coaches like Colgate and Discovery I’m sure helped too.)

      Out of curiosity (and if you can recall), which other post did you comment on, or which other post did you find helpful?

      Thanks again for this FANTASTIC comment! Comments like these are music to the ears. Keep up the great work in field. Don’t hesitate to update me on your progress, and shoot any question if you have any. Thanks again Samtotheg.

  18. Manuel

    Awesome read, man… Does take a picture with a sibling such as a cousing female or any other member help to project PROTECTOR OF LOVED ONES? I am so curious. Maybe show it to her?

    1. renaissan

      Thanks for the kind words Manuel! And I appreciate your question (it shows you really want to learn, which is great).

      My recommendation would be this: be a “protector” or “caretaker” of loved ones for real. Don’t do it as a way to attract (or impress) a woman. Do it for real, because you actually care.

      Examples of being a caretaker for real can include helping a loved one with homework, changing a diaper, spending quality time, standing up for them. Whatever. And it doesn’t matter if this family member or friend is female or male. Care is universal.

      The point is, be a caring person for real. And you don’t need pictures as proof. That can come off as a gimmick, as having an agenda (to impress her).

      If you are this way for real with everyone you meet, you’ll also be this way when you’re around a woman you like. She’ll see it in the way you treat her, her friends, strangers, bartenders, servers.

      Then if she ever asks about your family or friends (while you’re getting to know each other), by cultivating this trait for real, you’ll have stories based on real experiences to tell. Just make sure to return the question to her. That also shows you care–about her.

      Now, in the first minutes of meeting her there’s no need to try to show you’re a “protector of loved ones” (whether by pictures or stories). That would probably come off as odd. Again, if you cultivate this trait for real, chances she’ll sense this by how you treat people.

      Thanks again for your question Manuel, and for reading this article.


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