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Myth #4 About Pickup: Negs Put Down Women

akutcher7

The message behind negs: “I’m not chasing you.” Done in a playful way. NOT to hurt.

1. First, let’s be clear about what negs are not.

  • They’re NOT meant to put down.
  • They’re NOT meant to cut down an ego.
  • They’re NOT meant to make you look superior.
  • They’re NOT meant to one-up.
  • They’re NOT meant to hurt.

If a guy does any of these things, he’s not negging. He’s being an asshole.

How can a guy tell he’s negging properly? If she’s laughing.

If she’s not, she’s usually been insulted. Occasionally you’ll find a girl who might just be a miserable human being. She wouldn’t laugh at anything. But nine times outta ten, if she’s laughing, you know you’ve negged properly.

To prove negs aren’t meant to insult, let me give you the technical definition of a neg, from Mystery himself:

“Negs disqualify you from being a potential suitor.”

2. In other words, negs are meant to show: “I’m NOT chasing you.”

This is especially useful on the most made-up women who’ve been offered drinks, propositioned for sex, glared at, grinded on a dance floor, told she’s pretty a thousand times, and asked twenty factual questions, like “where are you from.”

But a guy who makes her laugh with a variation of “stop hitting on me”? It’s different. Makes her stop and ask, “who is this guy?” Negs should feel like a breath of fresh air for her. ‘Cause he’s showing his personality and offering value: a laugh.

To repeat: Negs show you’re ACTIVELY *NOT* chasing a girl, you’re actively showing you’re willing to leave.

You’re also actively showing you’ve got personality. It’s so different than what other guys do, it’s intriguing. It’s like a cool headline that makes a girl wanna learn more about you.

And the mind-state behind using negs has NOTHING to do putting down women.

3. Here’s the mind-state:

  • First, presume you’re the prize. That means presume she wants you. You don’t need her. You come from an abundance of women. In other words, don’t audition for her. Let her audition for you.
  • Second, push her “presumed” advances away, or at least show you’re willing to walk away …presuming you’re the prize, she wants you, she’s hitting on you, of course you’ve gotta stop her from hitting on you. 😉
  • Third, because you’re “presuming,” the push away is *PLAYFUL*. Playful is the operative word here. It’s all play. You’re not literally pushing her away. You’re just presuming.
  • Fourth, play is fun and positive–so have positive energy. You can say “You’re beautiful” a thousand ways. They’ll all mean something different, depending on your feeling. The same words can communicate sincerity, creepiness, anger. So, if a guy feels negative, his neg will come off as insulting. But if he has positive energy, his neg will come off as fun, as playing-together.

Presuming a girl is hitting on you disqualifies you from being a suitor. ‘Cause you’re making HER into the suitor!

YOU: “Slow down, buy me a drink before you hit on me.”

Make this a running joke.

If you do the running gag of, “I’m so hot, stop hitting on me,” she’ll laugh PLUS she’ll fall into the frame of she wants you.

A long running frame will get you aaaaall the way to sex. Even if you’re butt-ugly. She can’t help but fall into it.

4. Negs are always about BUILDING COMFORT.

This idea that negs are meant to put down is wrong. Negs are really about ridding her discomfort of being hit on.

After all, she only wants to be hit on AFTER she feels attraction for somebody. She only wants compliments knowing you’re NOT trying to get something from her.

Negs allow you to give those honest compliments, ‘cause she now knows you need nothing from her. Compliments without an agenda make her feel good.

5. Here’s an experiment. Imagine a fat girl negging you… I bet you a $100 she’d attract you with her negs.

Let’s say this fat girl accuses you of wanting her. She’s funny and cool. I bet you $100 she’d attract you just with her frame. Here’s how that might look:

FAT GIRL: “You’re looking at my tits again aren’t you. Head up, head up. Get your head outta the gutter.”

YOU: “I wasn’t thinking any of that!”

FAT GIRL: “Mmhm. I’m sure you say that to all the big-breasted women. Yep.”

YOU: “No!”

Again, she’s funny, smart, cool, comfortable in her skin.

After a fun night with her, you find she’s lying in your bed STILL not hitting on you. She’s just saying:

FAT GIRL: “Okay, don’t get any ideas. Just because I’m in your bed…”

Then she makes a move on you. She begins stroking your cock, then sucking it. She’s damn good at it. And hey, a girl’s a girl.

Next thing you know, you’re taking each other’s clothes off…

That’s who we should be. We should be like the fat girl who accused the guy of chasing her. And she had to say “no” to his presumed advances (even though he wasn’t hitting on her).

Why does this work?

First, it’s funny as all hell. Then she became a challenge. Finally, you fell into that frame that you wanted her, and you found yourself wanting her.

Voila. The magic of negs.

6. Negs are also about giving feeling-good.

Whether or not you “get” her with negs, you’ll probably make her laugh with ’em. That’s good enough. If nothing else, make her night with a smile.

Negging a girl is like two friends PLAY-fighting with each other. She’ll neg you back. EXCELLENT! Game on. The flirting has begun.

No passive-aggressive claws involved.

Now, a word about this “pushing her away” thing… It’s probably why so many have so misunderstood negs to be put downs.

Something quirky about human nature: the more we can’t have something, the more we want it. But remember: you’re ALSO making her laugh in the process.

Magic my man. Magic.

7. So, think of negs instead as:

  • Play-fighting
  • Playful conflict
  • Being a fun challenge
  • Active non-neediness
  • Flirting!

Be the one to push it away, push it away. Show her you like her, but also show you don’t need her. All of a sudden, she wants in.

8. Let me give you some more examples:

All of these are ways to disqualify yourself from being considered a potential suitor. Or to presume you’re the prize, she wants  you, and you’ve gotta push her away.

EXAMPLE #1: Friend Zone

YOU: “Yeah, yeah, come along. But expect nothing but good conversation. If nothing else, we can be friends.”

That’s a good neg.

It gets rid of her discomfort of being hit on. Says, “I’m not trying to get you. Let’s just relax and enjoy each other’s company.”

But do you see how there’s ZERO insulting going on here?

Now I know this might not be exactly hilarious. But it’s still IRONIC… and unexpected. ‘Cause here (I got this line from Mystery) Mystery’s stealing what girls usually say to us–“expect no sex… I’d rather be friends”–and using it on a girl.

Genius!

It’s a non-hurtful way of saying I’m NOT out to “get” you. Again, THAT’S what a neg is.

Here’s another example of how negs are NOT back-handed insults.

EXAMPLE #2: Tyler Durden’s Neg

Now, a caveat about this example. I wouldn’t recommend using it. I’m including it here as an example of how flexible negs can be and how they’re not meant to one-up, or knock someone’s self-esteem

Okay, here’s the example.

There’s this famous story about how Tyler Durden (co-founder of RSD) told a girl he was gay, so she’d know he wasn’t chasing her.

He played up the story all the way to fucking her in bed.

In bed while he’s fucking her she said, “But I thought you were gay.”

He said, “I think you changed me.”

Again, wouldn’t recommend this, ’cause it’s a lie. Funny yes, but a lie.

But this also qualifies as a neg. Why?

‘Cause Tyler was actively showing he wasn’t trying to “get” the girl. He gave her room to come to him. No “insulting” or “one-upping” involved.

Here’re some other great negs that are playful, that show confidence, that push her away without putting a girl down:

MULTIPLE EXAMPLES: One-liners

  • YOU: “I just want you to know we’re not having sex tonight.”

  • YOU: “I wore my old briefs tonight to make sure nothing would happen.”

  • YOU: “Hey, hey. Buy me a drink first!”

  • YOU: “Quit looking at my chest! My eyes are up here.”

  • YOU: “Did you put any roofies in my drink?”

  • YOU: “Quit looking at me like that. I’m not just some hot slab of beefcake you know. I’ve got feelings too.”

  • YOU: “You’re such a brat.”

  • YOU: “You’re trouble. I’ve gotta keep my eye on you.”

  • YOU: “Hands off the merchandise. That’ll be forty dollars. Hey, you think this shit’s for free?”

  • YOU: “You are so cute I wanna put you in my pocket and take you home with me. Wait. Are you house broken?”

Again, these are supposed to be funny ’cause it’s shit girls usually say to us. Guys aren’t supposed to say these to girls, right? Girls realize it’s absurd, there’s no substance to it… and they laugh.

Brilliant.

In fact, Mystery once said he learned how to neg FROM girls!

‘Cause they used to neg him and rebuff his advances like crazy. So one day he decided to give what she gave him right back to her–in a PLAYFUL way. Never in the serious, hurtful way girls sometimes “neg” us. To his surprise, it worked!

negs

Mystery learned these negs from “tens,” who used these on him. Likewise, these kinds of negs work best on “tens” who’re stuck up or immune by the blur of men hitting on them. These are not meant to hurt. They’re meant to wake them up, to catch their attention.

Anyway, if you give her these lines that say “I’m the selector here, now you’re the selectee” before she gives ’em to you, how can she now give ’em to you?

Ha! You’ve turned the tables! Nice.

By the way, speaking of women “negging” us, what if she “negs” us seriously, without the playfulness? What do you do then?

EXAMPLE #4: When she negs you

Give it back to her still! With the playfulness. Interpret her neg as she wants you. Here’s one way of how that might look like:

HER: “I just want you to know, we’re not having sex tonight.”

Remember this neg is just a sound byte. So, give the sound byte back to her.

YOU: “Well I’m glad you brought that up. Because I didn’t shave. No seriously. I’m in the shower getting ready to come over here. I keep myself trim down there. And I do it out of laziness. Because if your lines grow out then you have to find new lines. So I’m shaving thinking, ‘Who am I shaving for? Is it you?’ I’m like ‘I’m not even in this headspace right now. While sex is all great and stuff, women can be a drag.’ So I specifically didn’t shave because I don’t feel sexy when I don’t shave. I don’t feel like I’m in a sexual mood. You know what I mean? So for you to say that? Works for me.”

You’re actually speaking a woman’s language and giving it right back to her.

This qualifies as a “neg” ’cause you’re actively showing you’re not trying to get into her pants. Without being hurtful about it.

And guess what? Because you’re giving her “negative” space, she’ll wanna fill it and come to you.

I’ve used this neg before when a girl told me “we’re not having sex tonight.” Guess what happened? We ended up having sex that night.

Go figure.

Here’s ANOTHER great neg that yet STILL doesn’t cut down:

Example #5: Let’s shut off the girl-boy dynamic

YOU: “Let’s turn this girl-boy dynamic off and just be, you know, spiritual, normal. I mean we’re both hot and we like each other. So what? Last thing I need is this girl-boy complexity. There’s a thoughtful, observing entity inside you. I care about that which is looking at me and seeing me.”

Yes, THAT’S a neg! ‘Cause you’re ACTIVELY showing you’re NOT chasing her.

I hope you see by this point that’s all negs are. It’s NOT a back-handed insult. God, no.

9. But wait, you might be saying. If negs DON’T “cut down,” then why is it called a “neg”? N-e-g seem to be the first letters of “negate.” 

Good question.

There still is a sense of conflict, or pushing her away or “NO… I’m not after you” in negs.

But negs must be done in the spirit of PLAY. NEVER as a way to hurt or cut down an ego. Insulting is NOT playful, NOT fun, NOT friendly.

How would hurtfulness ever attract?

Those who say that’s what negs do to a girl’s self-esteem are guilty of a straw man argument: portraying someone’s position in the worst way to make it easier to attack. It’s a vulgar understanding.

Negs are AWESOME ’cause they infuse ENERGY into an interaction, and make it interesting.

Please allow me to indulge one last time to show you what I mean.

Many people in relationships have these kind of conversations:

::: Conversation with no conflict in it :::

He: “Good morning.”

She: “Good morning.”

He: “Breakfast?”

She: “Sure.”

He: “What would you like?”

She: “I don’t know. What do you feel like?”

He: “How about some eggs?”

She: “Okey dokey.”

He: “How would you like your eggs?”

She: “Sunny side up.”

He: “Toast?”

She: “Sure.”

He: “I’ve got some honey wheat bread. It’s great.”

She: “Okay, I’ll give it a try.”

He: “Butter?”

She: “Sure.”

He: “Jam?”

She: “Yes please!”

They read the paper as they eat breakfast.

She: “Anything happening in the paper?”

He: “Celtics won last night.”

She: “Yay.”

He: “Just barely though. They’re now in second place.”

She: “So, what’re you gonna do today?”

Do you feel the boredom? It’s a lifeless exchange. Why? There’s NO conflict! They just agree with everything they say to each other. Plus everything is FACTUAL.

Negs on the other hand add playful conflict and imagination to the mix. It’s not so literal or factual or so agreeable.

Check out if this couple added some playful conflict and negs to the mix:

::: Conversation with Playful Conflict :::

You’re making breakfast. Your girl enters the kitchen. And she grabs at it.

She: “Is it ready yet?”

You: “Hey, hands off.”

You pick her up, carry her to the counter away from the food, and sit her down there. You continue to cook.

You: “You stay over there you brat. You don’t understand. Cooking’s an art.”

She: “Sure, I’ll sit over here. All by myself.”

She throws a pieces of bread at you. You tickle her to make her stop. She runs away. You chase her and capture her.

She: “Wait the food’s burning!”

You: “Aw shit.”

See how much more engaging the conversation is now with PLAYFUL conflict involved?

That’s what negs are. Playful conflict. They create attraction. And not just when you first meet a girl.

If you wanna keep the spark alive in a long term relationship, NEG!

Relationships lose the spark when they lose sexual tension. Negs infuse SEXUAL TENSION into an interaction.

Negs are KEY to attracting girls.

10. Let me sum up.

Negs aren’t put downs. Negs are play-fighting.

Like when a dog plays keep away from you. Or when one person chases the other. Or when a TV show ends on a cliff hanger and says, “To be continued…”

What’s the difference between these and real fighting? What makes these “games,” and not battles-of-the-ego? Easy. There are no claws involved.

When a dog plays with you, he may show his teeth and growl, but he won’t draw blood. That’s how you know it’s PLAY-fighting. There’s no hurting involved.

That’s how it is with negs. There’s conflict, yes, but no drawing blood. No harming. No hurting. They’re playful. They’re meant to keep a girl engaged. They’re meant to keep a girl on the edge of her seat. It’s a GAME in the “tag–you’re it” sense of the word. It’s fun. It’s flirting.

Philosopher Baudillard probably had the best way to sum up negs:

“Challenge, and not desire, lies at the heart of seduction.”

Being-a-challenge-to-get engages and is fun. Negs are a tool to help you be that kind of playful challenge… rather than buy drinks, gawk, proposition girls for sex.

They’re what guys who are successful with women do naturally.

So, instead of insulting, think of negs as flirting. As actively showing a girl you don’t “need” her, that you’re not chasing her.

This creates sexual tension, and a DESIRE in her for more of you.

Negging is really foreplay. It’s the first step in getting girls “in the mood.”

It’s unfortunate this part of MM is so misunderstood. Because they’re so fundamental to attraction.

Let me close this beast of a post with some tips on how to neg a girl in the first five minutes of meeting her.

11. To execute negs properly in the first five minutes of an approach:

  1. Pick ONE of the one-liners above.
  2. Use that line within the second sentence out of your mouth. Don’t wait to do it. Do it IMMEDIATELY. Get the sexual juices flowing right from the start.
  3. Don’t do more than two neg-exchanges in the first five minutes. Yes, negs break the ice. But once the ice’s broken, anchor the laughter with substance. That means introducing yourself, next qualifying her, and finally expressing your interest in her. That naturally leads to a mini-date (or at least a number exchange).
  4. Presume you’re the prize. Presume she’s hitting on you, presume you’ve gotta get away from her. Yes, the presumption is imaginary. But that’s the fun and often humor of it.
  5. Have positive energy. The kind of positivity that says “NOTHING can wreck my day. I’m just giving FEELING GOOD.” Whether you get that girl’s number or not, BOTH of you still win. ‘Cause you’ve made her smile.

Negs remove that heavy barrier called the “stranger obstacle.”

They create sexual tension, they get the good feelings flowing, and they allow you to approach a girl from a place of strength. You’ll attract her. And ultimately be able to get to know each other human being-to-human being.

12. So neg are ways to flirt, it’s playful conflict.

Flirting is play-fighting. NOT serious-fighting (where people get hurt). To create attraction, incorporate playful conflict into your interactions with women.

How do you play-fight in a way creates sexual tension and that doesn’t hurt a girl?

As you know by now, neg.

sadie_hawkins_day1

What happens when a guy negs. By pulling away a bit (playfully, NOT harmfully), she now wants in.

 
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Posted by on September 29, 2015 in Home, Myths about Pickup

 

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Quote In Response to Elliot Rodger

Elliot Rodger. Credit: http://media.independent.com

Apparently, Elliot Rodger (that 22-year-old who went on the killing spree) was a failed pickup artist. He posted on PUAHate. In fact, I’ve heard PUAHate has been shut down because he was posting about taking revenge on women, and guys were cheering him on.

To a certain extent, I can empathize with Elliot. I’ve gotten rejected by women a lot. I’ve felt like an outsider and alone. It feels rotten.

But here’s the big question. What would prevent you and I from becoming an Elliot?

I think it has to do with a huge lesson I learned from Mystery and Neil Strauss. If something goes wrong in an interaction with a woman, it’s never the woman’s fault. It’s always our fault. It’s not that the girl is a bitch or a snob or a slut. She just responds to our skill level. Improve your skill level, watch your success rate improve.

Isn’t that what Jesus taught? Everyone was about to stone that woman for cheating on her husband. He asked them to look at themselves and see their own sin before condemning the sin in others.

Ultimately, that’s what pickup is about. It’s less about “getting” women (although attracting women is awesome). It’s more about looking at yourself in the process to become a better man.

Well, how do you improve your skill level, you ask? Lemme share this quote:

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Elliot may have given up, then blamed the outside world for his failures, rather than looking to himself. I can understand his hurt. But blaming seems to blind us, while looking to ourselves wakes us. That’s the big lesson I’m taking from this terrible tragedy.

 
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Posted by on May 28, 2014 in Home, Inner, Quotes

 

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Video: Mystery Owning Sh*t Tests

I came across this classic video of Mystery handling shit tests from a bratty chick. What I admire is how calm, cool, and collected he remains. Instead of getting testy, he seems to be like “you’re so cute,” instead.

Such a great lesson. Instead of taking shit-tests personally, turn it into playful banter and tell her how “cute” she’s being. Defuses negativity, and wins the girl over. Unruffled by the outside world. I imagine women find that super hot.

Check it out:

 
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Posted by on March 31, 2014 in Frame Control, Handling Women, Videos

 

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Video: Neil Strauss and Mystery

I wanted to share the first hour and a half of this video with you (it’s two hours total). It’s the eighth DVD of a series Neil Strauss put out called “The Annihilation Method.” Neil’s goal was to divulge everything about the game in it.

The first hour of this video is mostly Mystery speaking. The half hour after that is Mystery and Neil Strauss talking about phone game. The last half hour is Steve P and Hypnotica, and in my opinion not as good.

Yes, I know the section I’d like you to check out is an hour and a half. But there are so many solid fundamentals it’s totally worth it. Mystery covers attraction, dealing with Last Minute Resistance, phone game, and other invaluable nuggets of gold. Great review. I learned a ton. Check it out:

 
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Posted by on March 4, 2014 in Home, Videos

 

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Mystery’s new site: 3 Second Rule

Mystery and Discovery just launched a new site a few days ago called “3 Second Rule.” It’s really good, and there’s some excellent content there. As for Venusian Arts, I believe it’s now under the ownership of a former coach.

This video comes from their site. It’s 26 minutes, but it’s pure value. I learned a TON watching it, so of course I had to share it with you.

Here are some things to check out:

  • The nature of attraction (S & R value)
  • Mystery’s 5 Levels of Game
  • Discovery’s OSCA model
  • A new opener from Mystery
  • The importance of locking-in
  • Their delivery and poise

Again, there’s a lot of great stuff in the video. I hope you get as much out of it as I did.  For example, it was a great review hearing about how important locking-in is, and I enjoyed watching the way these masters carry themselves…

 

 
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Posted by on December 1, 2013 in M3 Model, Videos

 

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What A Woman Thinks When You Approach Her

bossymoksie

Bossymoksie giving the bird

I found this comment… by a woman who goes by “Bossymoksie“… on a March 7, 2013 post from SocialKenny’s Blog.

It’s about what a woman is thinking when you approach her. She’s thinking:

“Who is this guy? What does he want? And how long am I stuck with him for?” -lol, that’s exactly what we think. May I add the question “What is he going to offer me?” I know not all woman may think this right away, but I do think this is why you have to demonstrate high social value, so she thinks you are a valuable person in the world.

Nice. I learned a lot from that comment, so I wanted to share it with you, too.

Let’s break it down real quickly.

When we first approach a woman, we’ve gotta answer these questions:

  • Who is this guy?
  • What does he want?
  • How long am I stuck with him for?
  • What is he going to offer me?

or else she’s not going to hear a word of what we’re saying.

Luckily, those legendary pickup artists, Style and Mystery, discovered the tools that answer these questions right off the bat. That’s probably why they were such approach masters.

Here are the techniques they invented:

  • The “root” (reason for why you’re talking with her) answers… “What does he want?”
  • The “false time constraint” (I’m on my way out/I’m not going to be here forever) answers… “How long am I stuck with him for?”
  • DHV (self-disclosure) answers… “Who is this guy” and “What is he going to offer me?”

I also loved what she said about “what is he going to offer me?”

Soooo true!

Obviously, we know what’s in it for us if we get with this hot chick.

Well, what’s in it for her if she gets with us? That’s why we’ve gotta give her value IMMEDIATELY.

Enter the DHV.

The DHV is all about HER self-interest.

It’s NOT about you or showing off how great you are. It’s about putting an eager want inside of her… for you.

It’s like if you were to go fishing, putting a worm at the end of a hook instead of a slice of pizza. You might like pizza, but fish like worms. So, you bait the fish with worms (its self-interest) not pizza (your self-interest).

Likewise, there are certain things that attract women that don’t necessarily attract us guys. Understanding what those are and giving them to her IMMEDIATELY ignites an eager want in her. That’s what DHV is all about.

(If you’re curious what those things are that attract women more than us guys, check out my article “5 Attraction Switches” , if you’d like. It’s SUPER helpful to know about them.)

Here’s another reason DHV answers her question “what’s he going to offer me”:

It gives her something of USE. You give her a little gift right off the bat.

For example, if you share a personality test with her, she gets to learn something cool about herself. She’s smiling. Who IS this guy, she might be saying to herself. Thumbs up.

Or, if you share a funny story with her, she gets to laugh and “feel good.” Can you say “Hell, yeah”?

By the way, speaking of “feeling good,” I’ve found an even MORE effective way of answering all these questions right off the bat than the three techniques I just listed above.

And that’s banter.

If you play fight with her… starting with THE SECOND SENTENCE OUT OF YOUR MOUTH (“The Second Sentence Rule”)… in a way where you’re dominant and she’s cute… not only does it make her laugh, but it creates sexual tension.

Mmmmmmmm. Delicious.

And we all know what women say about laughter. How much they hate it and they never look for it in a guy.

Um, yeah right.

My article “Flirting” goes into how exactly to banter in a lot of detail.  Again, check it out if you’d like.

Banter is THE key to creating attraction right off the bat. Hands down. Not to sound overly dramatic or anything, but learning that skill changed my life. And I’m not even kidding.

Anyway, keep in mind those questions that Bossymoksie shared with us when guys approach her! Invaluable, invaluable, invaluable. Answer those questions and… hello awesome approach, nice to know you (read: put her at ease). Things from there are cake.

Thanks Bossymoksie for sharing that little pice of gold with us.

 
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Posted by on March 9, 2013 in A1 Opening, Home

 

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AMOGs, Shit Tests, and Bitch Shields, Part III

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The best way to be an AMOG? Treat everyone with respect and kindness.

This is actually how Mystery AMOGs. He doesn’t try to tear people down to make himself feel better. He lifts everyone else up.

And guess what happens when you do that? Naturally you put yourself into a leadership role. Hostility is not necessary for dominance.

First and foremost, treat everyone with respect. See the best in people. Make them feel important. People will be cool with you in return. You’ll make friends rather than enemies.

If that doesn’t work it’s onto Plan B.

The basic idea behind Plan B (again): Don’t accept the negative frame. Replace it with a positive one.

Here are some examples. I’ll start with AMOG situations (dealing with guys) and I’ll end with Shit Tests and Bitch Shields (dealing with girls).

There’s three basic categories of technique in either situation. “Ignore,” “Meta-frame” and “Agreeing, but Reducing to the Absurd.”

AMOGs:

1. “Did your mommy buy that shirt for you?”

Ignore. Don’t even respond. Just keep talking about what you were talking about.

2. “Did your mommy buy that shirt for you?”

“Cool man. Anyway.”

Less is more. Still under the “Ignore” category. The more attention you give to him, the more power you give to him. So, give the least possible attention, the least possible words, the least possible reaction.

3. “Did your mommy buy that shirt for you?”

“That was weird. Anyway…”

Here, you stand outside their frame, judging it from a higher place. A “meta” frame. You don’t accept his frame. You see it as weird.

4. “Did your mommy buy that shirt for you?”

“This guy you can dress him up, but you can’t take him anywhere.”

Another example of a “meta” frame. Again, notice how you don’t accept his frame. You step outside it and see it from a higher position. You see it as a social violation.

5. “Did your mommy buy that shirt for you?”

“Yep. Doesn’t she have great taste?”

Here you actually agree with the frame but exaggerate it. The exaggeration makes his frame absurd. The technique is also known as “Yes and…” You simply agree, then exaggerate it. By doing this you’re showing his frame to be ridiculous. You’ve destroyed it with humor.

6. “Is that design on your shirt a sphincter? Man, you’re going to need somebody to protect you, mate. You’re going to have all the guys into you.”

“Dude, that’s why I rolled up on you. I need you, man. Help me, please, man. I look at you, and I just know that you were born to protect my sphincter.”

Another example of agreeing with the frame and exaggerating it to the absurd.

SHIT TESTS AND BITCH SHIELDS:

1. “Do women even like you?”

“Oh my God, you are so cute. Look at you trying to give me shit.”

Eeeeeeeeverything she does is cute. Everything. When you put a label on someone, you don’t accept their negative frame. You interpret theirs another way: her being cute. This is a type of “meta” frame.

The other advantage of specifically calling her “cute”: it creates sexual tension. Sexual tension comes from being dominant, and her being “cute.” In other words, you being masculine, she being feminine.

2. You’re talking and the girl gets all distracted.

“Hey ADD, party’s over here.”

Again, putting a label on someone interprets them in your own way. The frame goes from “you’re not very important” (her frame) to “she gets easily distracted” (your frame). You’ve stepped outside her negative frame using a “meta” frame. Nice.

3. “What kind of shirt is that?”

“Do you always wear that lipstick? Anyway…”

You’re not even answering her frame. You come up with your own. You’ve “Ignored” hers.

4. “You’re a stupid piece of shit. Get the fuck away from me!”

“That was weird.”

OR

“Wow, that was rude.”

Same kind of “meta” frame from above. Instead of playing into her negative frame, you see it from a higher position of judgment: her being completely rude.

Another way to deal with extreme rudeness:

“Oh I get it. You probably act like this all the time, and you probably get away with it too. I don’t buy it. I think that you act like a bitch and you convince people you’re a bitch but really you’re a sensitive person. I know that you’re really a nice person but you have to act this way because a lot of dorks hit on you.”

Credit: Brad P. Here you reinterpret her bitchiness in a positive way. You turn a negative frame into a positive one. Another “meta-frame.”

5. “You’re short.”

“Yes I am. Great things come in small packages.”

Agree and replace her negative insinuation with a positive one. Your positive frame is now in charge.

6. “Do you say this to all the girls?”

“Yes, you’re the 512th person I’ve said this to today.”

Agree and exaggerate.

7. “Does this make me look fat?”

“Yeah, I wasn’t going to say anything.”

Agree and exaggerate.

8. “I have a boyfriend.”

“Maybe he can make us breakfast in bed.”

Agree and exaggerate.

OR

“That’s cool. I have an uncle that has 5 cats. 4 blue ones and 1 red one. He dyed them blue and red. You should check it out sometime. Anyway…”

Agree and exaggerate… take it to the absurd.

9. “Will you buy me a drink?”

“I’d be happy to. But let me get to know you better first.”

Agree, but replace with your own frame. You’re not the stereotypical guy who thinks he has to buy girl’s attention (her frame). Your frame is we’re two human beings. Let’s focus on that first before getting money involved.

By the way, you can do this technique with any other demand she might place on you. In other words, rather than blindly jump through her hoops, let her jump through yours first. Then you can go through hers. That way it’s even. You’re not rewarding potentially spoiled, princess behavior. She gives and you give. For example:

“Sure, but before I do that, give me at least one compliment.”

10. Let’s say she’s giving you bad behavior and she doesn’t respond to a more good-humored response. Then factually point out what she did, and tell her you won’t stand for it:

“This is what you did. This is not cool with me. If this behavior doesn’t change, I’m gone.”

You don’t accept her frame where she thinks she can get away with whatever she wants because she’s hot. Stand outside of her self-absorbed frame, a “meta” frame, and call her on her shit… respectfully. If her behavior still doesn’t change, walk away. You’ve got bigger fish to fry. As a byproduct, this can actually create attraction… while halting bad behavior at the same time.

And that’s about it.

Each technique “Ignore,” “Meta-frame,” and “Agree to the Absurd” has this in common: they disregard a negative frame and replace it with a positive one. Never think you have to accept people’s negative frames. They are mere interpretations of reality, not reality itself. You can always create your own frame… and get things back to reality.

This way you stand up for yourself, but in a way that still treats people with respect.

 
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Posted by on February 19, 2013 in Frame Control, Home

 

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