“Man is most nearly himself when he achieves the seriousness of a child at play.”
~Heraclitus, ancient Greek philosopher
The key to attraction…
Mystery calls it negging, David DeAngelo calls it cocky-funny, and Lance Mason calls it bantering. Whatever the name, they’re different forms of flirting.
It’s literally taken me years to figure this out. And learning this has changed my life.
Most guys try to get a girl by spending lots of money buying her dinner, drinks, flowers, or whatever else. They’ll tell the girl she’s beautiful and be all sweet and nice to her. And guess what? The girl still won’t be attracted to him. And he’s out who knows how much money.
And besides, what’s the difference between that and spending lots of money on a hooker? At least with a hooker, you know you’ll be getting something.
As a general rule to follow, don’t buy her dinner until AFTER you’ve slept with her or she’s your girlfriend. Don’t spend hordes of money before. In fact, don’t spend hordes of money on her period. Keep it simple. On a first date get a cup of tea. She should like you for who you are, not for how much money you spend on her.
Then there’s the other guys who go straight for the sex. It’s skeezy. And it just pisses her off and grosses her out.
For a woman to attract us guys, it seems so easy, so simple, so straightforward. If a girl looks good, we get attracted. If she doesn’t, we’re not attracted.
Women are a whole other story.
Most women don’t rush out to buy Playgirl magazine. Most strip clubs are geared towards the “male gaze” with men paying to watch female dancers. There isn’t a Hooters Restaurant equivalent where women go to gawk at men in bright orange shorts. More women do buy romance novels though…
Women aren’t attracted just to a man’s looks, although that’s important. Women aren’t attracted just to a man being nice to her, although that’s important. Women aren’t attracted just to a man showing off, although he’s got to have his act together.
And why is it women say they want romance but roar off on a motorcycle with a “bad boy”? Why do they say they want a man who makes them laugh, but rarely do you see the hottest women with comedians?
Between what women say they want and what they actually do–it’s paradoxical and contradictory. What the hell do they want? Attracting women seems to be such a mystery.
For the record, I don’t know the mystery of women. I don’t know any guy who does. However, I’ve learned from the seduction community that there’s a middle way between being “sweet” and being the “bad boy.” And that “middle way” can create those “butterflies” in a woman’s stomach.
There’s nothing wrong with being “sweet” and romantic, as well as animalistic and sexual. Those are actually very good things to embody with a woman… but LATER down the line. BEFORE we embody those things, we have to ATTRACT a girl FIRST.
Sexual tension. It’s all about how we make a woman feel when she’s around us. We have to create sexual tension between us and a woman. And one of the best ways to create sexual tension is by flirting with her.
But what is flirting and how do you do it?
Oh my God, you don’t know? I don’t know if we can hang out anymore. *smile.* I’m playing, I’m playing.
But seriously, isn’t it funny how girls seem to know EXACTLY what flirting is, but us guys seem to be COMPLETELY clueless about it? I’ve had to work hard to understand what it is. The whole reason I wrote this post is to better understand it myself.
WHAT IS FLIRTING?
Flirting is simply being playful. But it’s a special kind of playing.
When kids play with each other, they don’t try to accomplish anything.
All they’re interested in is playing games. They take on pretend roles effortlessly and let their imaginations run free. Ultimately their play is meaningless, it’s just to have fun. They’re not out to win or get something or dominate each other. They play just to be in the “zone” together. (credit: Ron Louis and David Copeland, “how to succeed with women”)
Women play together in a certain way.
They might dance, shop, talk about relationships, go to a spa, bond over food and crafts, gossip, cry together, try to be build each other up or be nice to each other, or whatever. I’m not a woman so I’m not exactly sure, but those are my best guesses.
Men play together in a different way.
We compete with each other, play jokes on each other, talk about hot women, push each other around, exaggerate how awesome we are, insult each other, talk shop, and do whacked up things like light our farts on fire.
When men and women play together, they flirt.
It’s not the way men play because you’re not going to fart in a coffee cup, put a lid on it, and give it to her to smell. You’re not going to tell her how fat and disgusting she looks so you can laugh at her or talk about sports with her. You’re not going to get into a spitting contest or punch her arm or push her around. You’re not going to talk about facts, and analyze the mid-east crisis.
Instead, you’re nicer. And more importantly, you throw sex and romance into your play.
Flirting is sexual/romantic playing.
WHY GIRLS KNOW WHAT FLIRTING IS, BUT GUYS DON’T
For a guy, when we want sex, we wouldn’t mind saying “Wanna have sex? Great. Here’s the bathroom.”
That would be direct and factual.
Women, on the other hand, prefer indirect, emotional communication. And flirting is indirect and emotional. Flirting lets her know you’re sexually interested in her PLAYFULLY. You make your sexual desire known in a way that’s not obvious to everyone else. She can laugh your sexual interest off as if it’s not really there, but subconsciously she feels your sexual feeling, and feels it in turn with you. That’s being indirect, emotional, and that’s flirting.
Girls know what flirting is, but guys don’t because girls prefer indirect, emotional communication, where guys prefer direct, factual communication. I know that’s a generalization, but it helps make this point. To heat her up and make our sexual interest known more effectively, we guys need to communicate our interest in a woman in her language. Flirting is that indirect, emotional language.
In a way, flirting is kind of like the way women play together. There’s no talk of gross, disgusting things. No put downs or insults. No violence or anything that might cause physical harm. No self-deprecation—unless it’s obviously not true. It’s gentler, cleaner, sweeter, lighter. Smile. Talk about things that she might like to talk about. Ask her things about herself, describe feelings she’d love to feel as a woman, and say things that build her self-esteem up and make her feel good about herself.
You’re playing the way women do, but in a masculine way. I know it makes no sense. So, let me explain.
HOW TO FLIRT
Okay, so kids take on pretend roles effortlessly and let their imaginations run free, right? When you flirt, it’s the same thing.
What pretend role should you take on?
A dominant one…
…that makes the girl feel cute.
You’re the man, and she’s the girl. I know that may sound obvious but where some guys are too direct with their sexual interest, other guys try to make a girl feel comfortable by being completely neutral and being no sexual threat. But if we’re not neutral sexually yet honest about our sexuality indirectly, this naturally creates what David Deida of “The Way of the Superior Man” called sexual polarity.
Just as a battery needs a positive and negative charge to create energy, a sexually charged interaction needs distinct masculine and feminine sexual roles to create sexual energy. This dominant vs. petite role is the sexual/romantic ingredient that distinguishes flirting from mere play.
AND the story line you act out is you guys don’t get along…there’s tension between the two of you. Conflict. Fight.
See something that’s wrong or bad with her, criticize her about something that’s OBVIOUSLY NOT true. Like if she’s decked out really nice, you could call her a “dirty hippie.” When something is the opposite of reality, and it’s absurd and contradictory… or when you say something that’s the opposite of what’s expected… comedy arises. You can’t help but laugh.
Mix these two ingredients together–gender roles and play fighting–and voila! You create sexual tension.
Usually the role we take on with women is she’s the selector and we’re the selectee.
We want to make sure we’re doing okay in her eyes. “Am I doing okay?” Guys will actually ask a girl this on a first date. Don’t do this.
Instead, when you flirt, flip these roles upside down.
YOU be the selector and SHE can be the selectee. For once, YOU’RE the one who’s not completely sure about her yet, and SHE’S the one who wants YOU.
Hahahaha! I love it love it love it.
This is the best way to deal with her shit tests, too. See everything she does, including her shit tests, as cute. “Oh my God, that’s so cute. You want me so bad. Anyway…” Don’t take what she says literally but imagine it to mean something else having to do with your dominance. Then change the subject.
So, again, what role should you take on?
You can imagine you’re the Ladies’ Man all the girls want…
…and this girl you just met is trying to get with you. “Oh God, if you wanted my number already, all you had to do was ask!” or “Hey, hey, hey. Hands off the merchandise. This shit ain’t for free. That’ll be forty dollars, missy.”
Or pretend to be the Hot Woman…
…so that she’s one of the billions of “guys” trying to pick you up.
“Quit looking at me like that. You’re looking at me like a fat kid looks at a cheeseburger. It’s creeping me out.” Or “Quit looking at my chest! My eyes are up here. God, all you girls think about is one thing.”
Or imagine you’re an Authority Figure…
…like the principal: “That’s it. You’ve just earned yourself detention.” Or the recruiter: “You’re hired. I’m making you my new bodyguard.” Or the teacher: “Let me see you flirt. Wow, now that was terrible. It actually made me go gay there for a second.”
In each of these roles, you’re pretending to be another character. The character you take on is the dominant one and the girl is smaller than you. AND you’re fighting with her, pushing her away. I mean she’s chasing you after all, right? This is just wrong! There’s some sort of conflict or negative thing going on here.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You couldn’t possibly pull this off with a girl you just met because it’s negative. You don’t want to hurt her feelings.
Here are three keys to make the negativity and conflict work.
First, the idea of character and ACTING is key to making flirting work.
It’s not just the words that make it work. It’s that you’re actually ACTING OUT a character. With all the gestures, facial expressions, and voice tone of the character. The comedy comes less from the words and more from the character you portray. That’s what makes it obvious PLAY. It’s not true. It’s make-believe. It’s like you’re on stage and you and the woman are actors pretending to be other people.
By the way, acting out characters TOGETHER is bonus. You and the girl are INTERACTING, doing an activity TOGETHER. She’s not just some passive bystander. You and this hot chick are now in the sandbox again as if the two of you were six again. She’s no longer sitting uncomfortably high up on a pedestal. By doing a meaningless activity WITH HER, you create the same un-self-conscious feeling of being in the “zone” together that the two of you felt as kids.
Second, touch and smile when you flirt.
Touch allows you to get away with anything. Touch is such a warm, intimate thing that when you mix it with words of conflict, on a visceral level the woman knows in reality you’re being warm, not mean. A quick touch on her arm before you say your line can make all the difference in the world.
And same goes with smiling.
Smiling communicates warmth and friendliness, so if you say these lines through laughter or a playful facial expression it tempers the words of conflict with the feeling of play and togetherness.
Third, use the tools of creative misinterpretation and exaggeration to make it clear you’re playing. Creative misinterpretation: “It? You want to do IT? Jeez, at least buy me a drink first. And just to let you know I wore my old briefs tonight to make sure nothing would happen. Just so you know.” The misinterpretation signals you’re playing, not taking what she says literally.
Exaggeration: “You’re asking if I have a girlfriend? (depressed) No. (happy) I have 8 girlfriends! (dismissive) Yeah, it’s no big deal, it’s no big whoop. They all get together and swap recipes so they can learn how to cook my favorite food.” (credit: Brad P)
Stretching the truth sends the message that what you’re saying isn’t literal or factual.
So, do you see what I’m saying now that you’re playing the way women play together but as the man? You’re playing nice, making her feel good feelings yet at the same time you’re creating conflict and playing the dominant role.
Flirting must be done within the first five seconds of your approach. I heard Lance Mason once say, your flirting line must be the SECOND SENTENCE out of your mouth. Snap judgments happen so fast that if you don’t flirt IMMEDIATELY, you’ll be thrown into the category she puts every other chump into that’s approached her. Also, if you try to flirt after you’ve been talking for a bit, it comes off as weird. There’s a certain sequence in the mating dance, and playful pleasantries is one of the first steps. Set that playful tone right from the start.
Flirting is like cooking oil when cooking a dish. You don’t put the ingredients into the pan first, and put the oil in afterwards. You’ll burn out the ingredients. You put the oil in the pan first. The simmering juice is what gels the other ingredients together…
…and prevents them from drying up and burning out. Or it’s like putting the car in first gear to get it moving. You can’t go from a parked car to fifth gear. And you don’t start exercising by sprinting full speed. You’ve got to ignite the engine first, and you’ve got to warm up your body with something light before going intense. Play talk is the bridge from “stranger” to connection.
Also, flirting must not last forever. Otherwise you become the dancing monkey. Playfulness should last no more than a few minutes; then move onto some substance. You could use your pretend world as springboard to share something about yourself and something to ask her about. For instance, if the two of you just pretended you’d run off to Vegas for an Elvis wedding, you could share an impulsive story with her and ask her “What’s the most impulsive thing you’ve ever done?” And later during comfort, you can still always sprinkle more of the playful flirting in.
The first time I followed these guidelines, I had number-closed five girls in a row with one of them turning into an F-close. It blew my mind how well flirting works. It was a game changer and a life changer. But when I’ve neglected to follow these guidelines my interactions would consistently fall flat. Ever since I make sure to flirt right from the start and not make it last forever. Flirting makes it so much easier to get to the comfort/connection phase. It just creates such good, positive energy and the momentum you need to move to where you need to go. You create a sexually charged foundation.
ANOTHER WAY TO FLIRT
Another way to flirt is to be overtly romantic. This works best a little further down the interaction, once she’s gotten a sense of who you are. Again, you still create an imaginary world with her in this way of flirting. The difference is you’re no longer pushing her away, but pulling her towards you.
You can talk about the future together, or your make-believe past together, future dates, create imaginary memories and adventures to have together: “You know what we’re going to do? We’re totally going to the beach together. You’ll dress up in a nun outfit and I’ll dress up in a priest outfit, and we’ll make out in front of everyone. People would be like ‘what the fuck?’ It’ll be a blast.” You can describe great feelings such as romance, attraction, arousal so she can imagine and feel them for herself, or describe idyllic scenarios that she’d love to experience.
You can ask her open-ended questions about herself, like “what’s the story behind that?” so she can talk. Always make her feel cute, pretty, petite, and sexy.
Basically, you’re making her feel like a woman and making her feel romantic feelings—playfully. But you’re no longer playing the role of rejecter. You’re almost playing the role of boyfriend even though you’re not together yet, which makes her feel those boyfriend feelings of togetherness with you.
YOUR GOAL IN FLIRTING
Your goal in flirting is to make her laugh, and make her feel romantic feelings. You’re subtly getting her used to the idea of being sexual/romantic with you. And you want to connect the idea of you with pleasure. We all know a woman responds more to her emotions than her logical mind. So, flirt in order to give her happy emotions. Give her “feeling good.” Flirting creates happiness in her. She’ll in turn associate those good feelings to you, and want to see you.
At the same time, it’s also a great way for you to screen her and see if she’s someone you’d actually like to get to know. If she doesn’t flirt back with you, maybe this isn’t a girl you really want to sleep with. It’s also a great way to distinguish yourself and show her why she should be talking to you more than any other guy there.
1. Gather a list of 10 of your favorite flirting lines. I’ve included some above. Here are some others to get you started:
“You look familiar. Have we had sex?”
“You’re such a brat.”
“I can already tell you and I are NOT going to get along. I might have to put you into my friend zone.”
“Wait a sec, you’re Republican, aren’t you? I’m not sure if I can talk with you anymore.”
“She looks sweet and innocent but something tells me she’s not. Kinda scared actually.”
“Note to self: do not date this girl.”
“That’s it we’re breaking up. You keep the cat and I’ll keep the CDs.”
“Nice nails, are they real? Oh. Well. I guess they still look good.”
2. Pick one or two flirting lines, no more than two.
3. Figure out the character and storyline behind each line.
4. Practice the character behind the line in the mirror with touch. ACT out the character behind the line with the voice imitations, gestures, and facial expressions.
5. When you go out in the field, make sure you touch her first before delivering the line. And make sure the line is the SECOND SENTENCE you say. You can continue with your stack afterwards. But flirting is no longer an option in your stack. It’s a requirement.
6. Practice this line at least five times in the field or until it feels natural.
7. Now, expand on your line and improvise pretending to be the character. For example, if your line is “You’re my new girlfriend. Wait a second. Can you cook?” you can expand it by saying “…because I can’t be eating spaghetti every night. Can you cook anything good? Oh, okay. Well in that case, MAYBE we could get along. *smile*” Or, whatever your imagination might come up with.
8. After you’ve made this line part of you, choose another line to master. But make sure to practice only one or two lines at a time. Go for quality of delivery and for making it your own. Don’t go for quantity. Too many lines cause paralysis.
9. Learn two new banter lines per week and repeat the process. (credit: Lance Mason) Soon, you’ll be pretending to be your own favorite characters, and making up stuff on the fly.
10. Oh, and don’t practice it on just the hot chicks. Practice it on all women. Practice it on the cashier or the coffee shop girl. Hell, practice bantering with your friends and family, with everyone. It’ll make flirting with the hot chicks a natural.
And that’s flirting. It’s playing within the context of sex/romance, whether play-fighting or play-kissing. It’s the key to sparking attraction in a woman you’ve first met, and to keeping that spark of attraction alive in a woman you’ve been with for years. You’re not out to win or dominate or get something from her. It’s just a way to let your imagination run free with her. Ultimately it’s frivolous and meaningless, but it allows you to be in the “zone” together with her, to create your own sexual and romantic world with her. In fact, when you really get down to it, it’s the very step of sex.
can you give examples of how to flirt in the day. after going direct then tease? second sentence rule still applies? “that’s a big bag, got a gun in their” that’s all I know. have you got anymore?
Same rules of banter apply whether in day or night. Banter within your second sentence, and don’t banter for more than three exchanges.
But here’s the thing. With day-game you can get away with going direct more.
For example: “You are really… really… (pause) beautiful. I just had to say hi and see what you were like.” Shut-up, and let her talk. The pauses create sexual tension. Then go right into qualification. Also, pique her curiosity by opening an interesting topic of conversation, like a personality test… but don’t complete it yet.
If you like her answer to your qualifier, state your interest based on what she said, and invite her to get a bite to eat (or exchange info if she can’t). While on your “mini-date” you can do continue your interesting topic of conversation or do something like The Cube.
Now, if you’d like to open with banter during the day, you can. But girls are more often alone during the day and aren’t getting hit on every second. So, a more sincere and direct approach works great. Banter helps guys stand out from the barrage of bore.
thanks I really appreciate your advice, especially the bit about sexual tension. so you go direct but don’t you have to banter before you go into qualification to get attraction?
“You are really… really… (pause) beautiful. I just had to say hi and see what you were like.”
banter 3 maximum times
or “You are really… really… (pause) beautiful. I just had to say hi and see what you were like.”
or doesn’t matter which way you do it?
Also when I go direct and shut up she usually says “thank you” and then goes quiet, then its back to me to lead the conversation, I guess that’s normal?
Very, very normal. But here’s the thing when you qualify (with something like “I wanted to see what you were like”) you’re already directing the conversation.
Granted, sometimes you do have to persist in your qualification. She won’t always know how to respond. So, you’re right. You have to step in and help her out. Here’s something that has worked GREAT for me:
You: “My passion in life is writing, and I can’t think of a better way to have stuff to write about than to meet new people.” (Fill in your own passion here. What’s cool about this is I’ve noticed when I self-disclose something about myself, it seems to make the girl more comfortable to self-disclose something about herself. Also the word “passion” here is a great buzzword that always seems to capture a woman’s attention.)
Her: “That’s true.”
You: “Are you a passionate person?” (another qualifier)
You: “Well, what are you passionate about?”
Her: She reveals her passion. (Bonus: You get to learn something about her, and you’ve begun an emotional connection.)
What’s also awesome about this is, the question about her passion is also the first question of “Style’s Eliciting Values” Routine. (Check out: http://whetyourwoman.com/how-to-practice-pickup/my-routines-collection/ and scroll down to “Phase Two: Comfort” to find that routine.) You can then lead her right into a very interesting conversation right off the bat that I know she’ll enjoy.
You’re also right about making banter optional in a direct approach. Banter is one way to create sexual tension. But it’s through a “playful” energy. The direct approach is another way to create sexual tension. But it’s through a “sincere” energy. Of course you can combine the two, too. You only need one banter-line to make her laugh. Then go right into qualification.
I always encourage banter. But if your approach is DEEPLY sincere and heartfelt, you don’t have to. You will have already created attraction in her.
I know, right? Tell me about it.
hey dude have you got some examples of banter in the day
I go direct tell her You are really… really… (pause) nice. then?
You are really… really… (pause) nice. your trouble arnt you
You are really… really… (pause) nice. I like the blue dress you remind me of a smurf
curious as to some of the ones you use 🙂
It’s an remarkable paragraph for all the online users; they will take benefit from it I am sure.
Thank-you! I only can hope it might benefit other guys like myself. Thanks for your comment!
If you need to read this something is wrong. Whats the difference bettween spending lots of money. Ona hooker vs spending lots of money on a girl. I think that we all know that difference. Life isnt about the money. The money spent on a girl (not a hooker) is priceless. The money spent on a hooker is the pointless one. Wake up people.
I think you misunderstood what I was trying to say here. You don’t need to spend lots of money on a girl to like you. Period. Doing so isn’t much different than spending money to get sex.
Thanks for finally talking about >FLIRTING: How to Create Attraction with Women | Whet
Your Woman <Loved it!
Lapped it all
Nice! Much appreciation for reading, man
Thanks for your post it has really helped me a lot, but i have a question to ask ” what is bantering”? And how can it be used in flirting? Secondly, what are the words or what can you say when flirting? Thanks i hope for your reply.
Banter IS flirting. It’s one way to flirt.
As for your question “what is banter,” that’s what this whole article was about. But if I had to boil it down, I’d say it’s “playful dominance.” You play the role of a high-status male who has a lot of girls chasing him. You make-believe your target is one more girl chasing you, so you’ve gotta push her away.
Another way to think of banter is “giving each other shit.” It’s what friends and people who have mutual respect for each other do to each other. It’s play-fighting.
As for some lines, at the end of this article under “Action Plan” I give you some. If you want more, check out My Routines Collection under “A2. Banter/Neg” http://whetyourwoman.com/how-to-practice-pickup/my-routines-collection.
Thanks for checking my site out and writing in!
I really like how you point out that flirting has to happen from the second sentence of your mouth for a few reasons: (1) because if you randomly flirt later then it becomes ODD/AWKWARD (but if you establish the fact that you’re a flirty guy: then she’ll automatically accept it later on) and (2) to avoid being slotted into the AVERAGE NICE GUY category.
I also liked how you pointed that humor is playing a character.
Wow. Interesting take on the subject. I’m reminded of my best friend in high school who, by physical appearance alone, was very unattractive. And yet tons of women flocked to him to the point where he ended up having to be choosy about who to sleep with. The special thing about this guy was that he was always very good at playing characters, no matter if he was with girls or other guys, or even just around his own family. He was a goofy guy always ready to laugh, squeal, play, and perform crazy antics. He happened to be one of the best actors in the high-school drama department. On the one hand, his persona might be likened to a combination between Robin Williams and Ryan Reynolds. On the other hand, he also had a serious, sometimes dark, intelligent, caring and understanding side; he used to flip between those two sides appropriate to the situation at hand. He’s a ladykiller to this day, even though he’s grown even more unattractive with the years. So, I think you’ve made a good point with the “play a character” part, if my old friend is anything like what you’re describing here.
As for me… I’ve been called everything from “handsome” to “hot”; always looked a lot younger than my age; always had a thin, muscular body. And yet I’ve spent most of my adult life single and celibate. I’m a lot more serious than my friend. Philosophical, spiritual, into science and engineering, spacey, sentimental, introverted and quiet. I fear I’ll probably spend the rest of my life living like a monk in a monastery.
Haha! No way, man. Sounds like you’ve got a lot to offer women. I’m right with you. I’m introverted, quiet, and I enjoy philosophy myself. I thought I would be on the sidelines forever too. But learning this skill helped me change that. The good news is what your friend knew instinctively is a skill learnable for EVERY guy.
Have you checked out David DeAngelo’s “Double Your Dating” ebook yet? He goes into more detail about this. You don’t have to spend the rest of your life living like a monk in a monastery. 😉
Thank-you for your excellent, well-thought-out comment. Let me know if you have any other questions. I’d love to answer them.
Well… I don’t think I have much to offer to a woman. If real life is any indicator, then I’d say I have very little to offer, since I haven’t had a girlfriend since 1998 (I’m in my late 30s now). The frustrating part is that I have a vicious sex drive and am cursed by a romantic streak. There are some men who have neither romantic nor sexual desires — male spinsters. They’re lucky because they’re not constantly distracted, so they’re typically able to bury themselves pleasantly in their work or their hobbies. I’m not one of those men. The moment I see a beautiful woman, all the floodgates of my hormones open wide and I become so deluged by my instinctive, animalistic side that I’m no longer able to speak to a woman properly. Believe me, I’ve tried to flirt. Those moments probably should have been filmed and used as a demonstration of exactly what NOT to do. Also, in those moments, I feel as though there’s so much at stake that I end up crumbling from fear. And the reason I feel there’s so much at stake is because a.) I never get any affection from women, and b.) because my time is running out due to my age. It’s a vicious circle. My problem is compounded by the fact that I’m quirky and somewhat bizarre and have odd contradictions in my personality, some of it most likely due to spending so much time in isolation.
I’m really a hopeless case, I think. It’d be a miracle if I got laid by the age of 70 (without having to pay for sex). I guarantee you that if you put me in a room full of 100 random men and 99 random women, I’d be the one at the end of the night holding not a woman’s hand but an empty beer bottle. You say that the skill is learnable; however, my habits are so ingrained due to my age, and I lack the self-confidence to be able to successfully pull off whatever I happen to learn. Thank god for masturbation and fantasy, or else I would have been committed to a mental institution by now.
You sound really funny and really smart. You’ve got a romantic streak and a strong sex drive. That’s awesome. Do you know how many women want romance? And how many want a man who DESIRE her? Plus, you’ve had a girlfriend (even if it was back in ’98). If you can attract a woman once, you have what it takes to do it again.
You have more to offer women than you think.
Now, if you believe you’re a hopeless case, you’re right. But if you believe you’re not a hopeless case, you’re also right. You’re dealing with a case of limiting beliefs. What we believe often becomes reality.
Granted: it’s hard to break limiting beliefs without having success (and proof) to back up more empowering beliefs.
But we’re a lot alike. I’m introverted. I have a strong sex drive. I’m a romantic. I’ve felt like a hopeless case with women for the longest time. We’re also about the same age. If I can learn this, I know you can too. You can do this. I know you can.
So, let me ask you this: when you’ve flirted with girls in the past, what did you do exactly? I wanna see you in action. Maybe we can then find some suggestions of how to improve things. Because I’m telling you, get this skill of flirting down and the rest of “succeeding with women” gets a shit-load of lot easier…
“You have more to offer women than you think.”
Technically, that’s true, but what I have to offer is presumably not what they want.
I agree, it’s hard to break existing beliefs without having success and proof. The conundrum is that I don’t have any successes. It’s a catch-22.
What I want is for a woman to knock on my door and throw herself at me, like a girlfriend delivery service. That would be the easiest way. I kind of think that women, with the exception of hypersexuals, aren’t very interested in relationships and/or sex. When I’m out, I NEVER see women look at other men. They’re always intently focused on some task (such as picking up items at the grocery store or heading straight for some specific aisle in a bookstore).
What did I do? Not much, really. I tried to talk, but in hindsight I see that it came out all wrong, and I ended up saying things that I didn’t mean due to not interpreting her signals properly. One time I was at a bar and a girl started talking to me. Somehow we talked about our drinks. She offered me a sip of hers. I tasted it and said it was good. I think I mentioned something about the drink’s sweet-sour proportions. Then she said nothing and the conversation ended there. On the few other occasions that I was approached by women, I found them unattractive, so I didn’t pursue anything. Attractive women never start any conversations with me.
One problem that I have is that I fear getting my face smashed in by a nearby boyfriend. I once got the nerve to talk to a pretty girl a few years ago. After about 20 seconds I was literally shoved aside — pretty hard, I might add — by a guy who was apparently her boyfriend/acquaintance/FWB who had come back from the bathroom. (It’s easy to shove me aside due to my small size.)
What I often find is that even when I speak with a woman in a non-romantic context — such as asking for directions or which aisle the juice is in or if they have this or that shirt in such and such a size — their non-verbal language says to me that I would only ever be a friend and never a boyfriend. That is to say, they never smile, they never laugh, their eyes never widen, and they never look interested.
Maybe it has something to do with my physicality. I’m skinny and short. A few days ago I found this on the Craigslist personals section in my area. It was written by a woman trying to give dating advice to men:
“If I may make a few suggestions, there needs to be something that stands out about you. A tattoo, piercing, or beard are a few things that can make you stand out from the crowd and can be a great conversation starter. Nerdy glasses and skinny guys really don’t stand much of a chance at all unless there is a super-charming personality to make up for those deficiencies.”
I have neither tattoos nor piercings nor a beard nor even a semi-charming personality. I’ve also read before that women aren’t particularly attracted to skinny guys. That’s evidenced in my own experience by the fact that I keep seeing so many pretty women married or partnered with obese men. The odds are stacked against me.
The very last time that I spoke with a girl was a few weeks ago. A mutual friend told me that she and I would hit it off really well since we were very similar. So I arranged things and we spent a good 20 minutes “talking shop.” After that I told her that I was there to meet her because of what the mutual friend said. She quickly said, “Ah, okay. Well, I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”
So I don’t know. Either I have the worst luck in the world or.. I don’t know. I really don’t know anymore. I’m tired of thinking about it. My utter lack of success tells me that the universe is conspiring to make sure that I’m forever alone, leading me more and more to think that I shouldn’t even try anymore because fighting the universe is futile.
I’m so sorry I didn’t see your reply to my response until now. Usually comments are sent to my inbox but for some reason your reply didn’t make it in there (either that or I missed it). I know it’s been over a year since you wrote your reply to mine, but how have you been doing with women since then? I can still give you some great recommendations if you’d like to hear them or are willing to try them out.
This article is excellent and very useful. It seems to me that I have learned an essential thing to know when communicating/interacting with women…: indirect, emotional communication. And that flirting is indirect and emotional, and fun!!
Exactly! You hit it on the head. Indirect, emotion, fun. Also, the playful conflict breathes life into interactions with women. Plus, when you presume she wants you and you push her away, it also creates sexual tension.
I’m psyched this article had use to you. Let me know if you’ve used any of the lines or how things go for you. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
I always forget what IV learned from articles like this when I’m on the field then I get nervous and anxious…..
I hear ya. I learned this simple tip from Lance Mason (of “Art of Attraction”) about how NOT to forget. It’s the “Second Sentence” Rule. The rule states you must deliver your banter line within the first two sentences outta your mouth. In other words, OPEN with banter. It breaks the ice and you’re flirting, making her laugh off the hop.
Do you have a favorite banter line? (You’ll find some at the end of this article.) Pick one and practice OPENING your sets with that line. I guarantee you won’t forget to flirt then.
And even though it’s counter-intuitive I think you’ll see your success-rate sky rocket… if you flirt right from the start.
this really helped alot now im confadent i can make my friend a little more atractted to me. thanks.
Thanks for the comment Landen! It’s amazing how a little play-fighting adds sparks. Let me know how things go.
I got problems I can’t find a girl friend here in Tucson az I’ve always been the lady’s man but when I moved here no chance what’s the problem
Good question. Could be any number of factors. If you were a ladies man before, you should still be a ladies man in Tuscon, AZ.
Do you feel less on “home turf” in this new place? Perhaps that’s done something temporarily to your mindset? I’m not sure.
But if you’re presenting yourself well and you’re talking with girls, flirting with them, creating sexual attraction with them, giving value, making an emotional connection… well, that works everywhere.
Let me know if you have any theories of what’s going on.
dude no disrespect but that question is too vague to answer. you need to be more specific, give specific examples. e.g you go upto the girl the day/night compliment her, or say this or that then x happens. as without being specific could be 1 of 100 things, need to narrow down that number to what it could be so Renaissan can help you 🙂
Thanks for writing this article. I think flirting is something that I have skipped over for now because I never really got it.
My question is what are the chances that a women will take offense to your attempt at flirting. Under normal circumstances some of these sound like insults to me which is a way that guys joke around, as you mentioned earlier.
Outside of touching on the arm or smiling prior to delivery is there anything else prior to delivering a flirt?
Also would you consider these appropriate during the day on a direct approach? I have a hard time believing that these would go well when first meeting someone in public.
“Note to self: do not date this girl.”
“That’s it we’re breaking up. You keep the cat and I’ll keep the CDs.”
“Nice nails, are they real? Oh. Well. I guess they still look good.”
This is such an excellent question, and I appreciate you asking it. You’re right, there are some flirting-lines that work better as openers and others that work better once you’re in set play-fighting with your target. The ones you’ve listed probably work best once you’re in set.
Here are my favorite flirting-lines I do on the approach:
“Wait. You’re a republican, aren’t you.” (Doesn’t matter if she’s actually
republican or not.)
“Quit looking at my chest. My eyes are up here! Jeez, all you girls
think about is one thing.”
Brad P’s “Horse Girl”
You: “I have to ask. Do you like horses?
You: “I thought so. Okay, check this out. When I was in the third grade
there was this girl. And she loved horses. She loved them more than
anything. She used to draw horses all over her binder, she’d be making
horse noises, she’d be running around the schoolyard galloping. We
used to call her ‘The Weird Horse Girl.’”
She: “So, why are you telling me this?”
You: “Well, you look JUST like her!”
She: “Well, I’m sorry, it’s not me.”
You: “You know what? I’m 90% sure it’s not you, but if it was me, I
wouldn’t admit it either. So, just in case it’s you—and I’m not saying
it’s definitely you—but just in case it’s you and you don’t want to admit
it, I just want to say… I’m sorry.”
She: “For what?”
You: “For all the times I used to make fun of you. See, back in school I
was one of the cool kids and I was a bit of a bully and I used to make
fun of The Weird Horse Girl. NOW, I feel so bad. I feel so guilty. I’ve
been going to therapy and my therapist says I should find this girl and
right all the wrongs of my past. So, I just want to say I’m sorry, and
see if you’d EVER forgive me.”
She: (Catching on) “Yes.”
You: “Oh my God you are so cool! I can’t believe you turned out to be
cute and cool. This is like the craziest thing!”
Brad P’s Last Night’s Lay Opener
You: “You look familiar. Have we had sex?”
You: “Oh my God! Yes, it IS you! It’s so good to see you! Hey, listen,
sorry I haven’t called. Been kind of busy. My, um, phone, um, stopped,
um, working and my tire got a flat, and my dog ate my homework. But
tell your friend I said hi, and that she was great too.”
She: “What? It wasn’t me!”
You: “It wasn’t you? I could have sworn it was you. You look just like
this girl I had sex with last week—actually I can’t quite remember what
she looks like, I was kinda drunk… No, I’m pretty sure it was you.”
She: “It wasn’t me!”
And yes, they work in the day and after a direct approach. I’ve done all of these during the day, and after a direct approach. They work fantastic. Breaks the ice, gets the juice flowing, makes ’em laugh, makes ’em curious.
Thanks again for asking this question so I could clarify this. It’s an important point that I learned after writing the article.
Those flirting examples are weak.
Spoken like a keyboard jockey. They’ve worked for me, and others. What are yours?
I wish I had read this E-book by Daniel Blake when I was starting out because it teaches to people how to create sexual tension with woman by using 3 scientifically proven techniques. It tells you exactly what to say and to do to turn a woman on. It really helps me to improve my dating life and I am happy to share it with you. Download link: http://q.gs/ABDT7
Thanks for the share Cyrille! I wasn’t able to open the link, but you’re absolutely right. Flirting is what creates sexual tension when meeting a woman for the first time.
Hi, I’ve read your article and you make it seem quite simply. Although you have to practice it, obviously.
I was wondering if this flirting stuff would work on a girl that I’ve known for a few months now. I went out with her a couple of times, as a group and just the two of us. She eventually discovered I was into her and she basically rejected me (told me she had just gotten out of a relationship, which was true, and that she wasn’t looking for anything at that moment). The thing is we are going to a course together and, after a period of us being disconnected, she started trying to reconnect with me again by commenting on a book I’m reading, why I had left the class facebook group as I was “the only one who posted things that made her laugh”, among other things.
The thing is, I’m not quite sure if her feelings have changed or if she’s doing it just to be on good terms with me again, as a friend. Oh, and in the meantime I was with another girl from my course also, for a short time. And they don’t get along.
So, after that said, what do you think? Is it worth to try to start flirting with her, being playful and stuff? I’m really not sure about this because of her basically rejecting me, even though it was a few months ago.
Well, I’ll look forward to your answer.
Thanks, in advance,
Fábio, from Portugal.
This is a great question and I appreciate you asking me it. Here are a few thoughts:
1. When she said she was sad you left the Facebook class group because you were “the only one who posted things that made her laugh”–this is the magic of flirting right there. It’s making a girl laugh, putting a smile on her face, making her feel pleasurable feelings. See? No wonder she was sad she was losing contact with you. Flirting and fun works.
2. So, absolutely flirt with her, regardless if you “get” her or not. Flirting never stops with a woman. I’ve been with my woman for five years. I still flirt to keep the “spark” alive. But here’s the clincher…
3. When you flirt with her, get the thought “I need to get her” out of your head. I know this is difficult especially when you’re flirting with a girl you like. You mentioned earlier that you had been dating other girls. This helps.
4. The idea is: give this girl the feelings of “feeling good” without needing anything in return. Just give. If she wants you as result, great! Go for it. She’s got good taste. If she doesn’t, great. There are other fish in the sea. They’ll be lucky to have you. You’re fine with or without her.
So, to answer you question in a nutshell: Definitely flirt with her, make her laugh, and most importantly enjoy each other’s company. But do it without needing anything from her in return. Do it just for fun and as a way to get to know her better.
We can never control nor predict what a girl’s reaction. As along as we give a little “love” to the women we like, both us (the guys) and the women we talk with win either way.
Thanks. renaissan. I’ve been feeling a little down lately, but you’ve cheered me up a little with that message.
That’s exactly what I used to do before her. I guess some women make us go crazy and doubt ourselves.
So, I guess I just gotta “build” myself up again, before anything.
Anyway, thank you very much for the advice,
This makes me so happy to hear Fabio. Thank-you. Situations with women can sometimes make us go crazy and doubt ourselves. Been there too many times that I care to count myself. But you’re right, we’ve got a choice: believe the illusory self-doubt talk or the more effective self-talk that says “I’m the prize, the selector.”
Hey I have a very slight speech impediment that really only shows when meeting new people. It can be a very nerve racking thing meeting a new girl. Do you have any tips to loosen up a situation to help me feel more comfortable from the start? In general I am a pretty confident guy but just mainly struggle with introductions/
This is a good question. Let me ask you this. What are you doing currently on your approach? If you open with something that makes girls laugh off the bat, chances are chicks may overlook the slight speech impediment. The big thing is how you make women feel. Give ’em “feeling good,” and often they’ll want more of you.
Let me know what your approach is, and we can work something out.
Yes, that’s correct, what renaissan said. If you open with a light mood, full of confidence (not nervous as hell and with a mentality of wanting something more of them right from the start), you’ll win them over, 99% of the time.
That happened to me when I got this new employment I’m at (about two weeks in, right now) and I’ve noticed a few beatifull girls there. Thought, I always interact with them and the guys with a happy friendly mood and I already got the attention of one of them. She likes me. I like her. It’s just a question of how we’ll get along in the meantime.
Hope you consider my and renaissan’s advice, as I followed his a month and a half ago.
Thanks again for wise advice you give people, renaissan! 😉
Hey Fabio, I’m just seeing this comment now. Thank-you my man!
I unfortunately am a hopeless case. I’m 44 and no woman has ever shown any sexual interest (given me ‘signals’) in me at all. I’m sexually invisible despite the fact that I have many female friends, a few of whom I am attracted to. I’ll never tell / show them because I can’t imagine (even if I really try to do so) any woman ever being the slightest bit attracted to me. I don’t blame women for not wanting me – they just don’t – because I’m just plain undesirable. The hardest thing for me is knowing this will never change.
The good news is you’re NOT a hopeless case. Becoming more attractive is within a guy’s control.
Let me say, too, that I understand where you’re coming from. I felt invisible and totally unattractive to women. I’m 5′ 5″ and if you ever hear women talk, they say they’re only attracted to tall guys. I thought I was a hopeless case. But I discovered the game, did some work on myself to make myself more attractive, and I’ve since learned those women didn’t know what they were talking about.
If you’re willing to put in the work, I can give you some great recommendations of places to start. I promise, it’s NOT hopeless.
Hi Renaissan – I appreciate the offer of help. I too am 5’5″ but unlike you – who obviously are confident and have high self-esteem (and therefore attractive to women) – I have no confidence whatsoever and very low self esteem. To attract a woman, a guy has to accept that women can and do find him attractive – he has to accept himself as a sexual person. No matter how hard I try, I can’t get there – there is no way any woman could ever want to even hold my hand. And that’s what hurts the most.
The good news is you can change your self-esteem! You’re right that women tend to find high self-esteem attractive. But, again, the good news is we’re not born with high self-esteem. Self-esteem begins with our thoughts and continues with the actions we make in the world. You have choice over self-esteem.
If you don’t mind, please allow me give you some of book recommendations. They helped me big-time with my own self-esteem.
No More Mr. Nice Guy, by Robert Glover
How to Want What You Have, by Timothy Miller
Awareness/The Way to Love, by Anthony de Mello
Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, by Nathaniel Brandon (he invented the term self-esteem)
The Way of the Superior Man, by David Deida
These books are phenomenal and they’re all available on Amazon. If you read these and put them into action, I think you’ll see some pretty cool shifts in mindset. If you check any of these books out, I would love to hear how you enjoyed them.
I might start off with the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. It’s a good one! I’m glad you wrote in.
Self esteem is a construct of the 1970s psychology around “feeling good” about yourself. It’s really your expectation of how others see you. Focus within, on what your core values are, on whatever-sized accomplishments, on your goals, tell youself that your value comes from embracing those things in you.
And any time you are going to approach a woman, first stop and picture how you used to tease your little sister or your cousin, friend, etc. Think about how fun that used to be. Now, introduce yourself.
There are some good tips here. I especially liked what you said about focusing on being “esteemed” from within rather than trying to get it from others. Critical point. This is exactly what Nathaniel Branden, a leader of the self-esteem movement of the 1970s, meant by the term.
The only other thing I would add is to what you said about picturing “how you used to tease your little sister.”
If a guy is having a hard time picturing this–that’s where this article comes in. Use a banter line from here. Practice it in the mirror to see how you appear when delivering it. It’s a concrete way to get you in that frame of mind.
Next, try it out on different people to see how it works. You’re not trying to “get” anyone. You’re experimenting, meeting new people, and brightening up people’s days (hopefully). That’s the real “reward.” Also, this practice can also help you come up with your own stuff, too.
In fact, this is the process comedians use to come up with their material. So, rather than trying to attract women by teasing them, flirt with them as an artist might hone his craft or a scientist might experiment to see what works (and maybe to even understand why).
So, the biggest benefit to flirting isn’t attracting women. That’s gravy. The biggest benefit: strengthening your inner-game along the way (kinda like that self-esteem you mentioned earlier).
For me personally, learning this skill helped bring out my personality. And it’s a crucial skill I still apply to social situations. It helps break facades so you can connect. Again, attraction is a byproduct–especially when you no longer care to attract.
I have many women friends but have never had a sexual relationship because I am incapable of building sexual tension. As a result, no woman I find attractive ever feels the same way about me and I’m always just a good friend. Having lots of friends is great and I’m thankful for it. But I’m also very sad that I’m never the guy any woman wants sexually. I’ve tried to build sexual tension many times, and even had a couple of dating coaches. But nothing ever works.
Thanks for writing in! I know you have what it takes to transition a friendship into “romance.” Every guy does.
Flirting is especially useful for building sexual tension in the beginning. If you’re already friends with a lot women this is a great sign! There’s a good chance you’ve already attracted many of them in the beginning. The problem might be taking that friendship to the next level.
Of all the women you’re friends with, is there one you would like to take to a more romantic level? If so, let me know. The solution might revolve taking things “deeper,” into being genuine about your feelings or even just discussing romance.
Here’s an article about building sexual tension after you’ve built comfort with a woman. And here’s an article about going in for the first kiss.