If you wanna become a PUA, let me congratulate you. Excellent choice.
Personally, it’s helped me to become more confident around women (and people in general), self-aware, and socially savvy. Not to mention I’ve met new people, and have some FANTASTIC adventures. Which is an education in itself.
In that sense, pickup isn’t just about learning to attract or “get” women. Yes, you’ll learn how to attract women. But the real destination turns out to be about knowing yourself and becoming a more excellent man for real.
So, in case you wanted to become a PUA, I wanted to share how I became one. I don’t know if it’s THE way to become a PUA. But it worked for me. Hopefully it’ll work for you, too.
Oh and by the way, if you’re curious about the haters who poo-poo on pickup, I wrote a nine-part series defending pickup called “The Myths of Pickup” (four myths, Myth #1 has 6 chapters).
You could say this article’s the conclusion of that series. Anyway, if you have any interest, feel free to check out the other parts. Just type “myths” into this blog’s search box.
Onward. Here was my path and pitfalls along the way to becoming a PUA:
Step One: Learn pickup theory… for 1-2 months MAX
But here was a mistake I made at this step.
I spent MONTHS learning theory before I hit the field. If I were to do this journey again, I’d start sooner. ‘Cause the sooner you hit the field, the sooner you’ll get this skill down.
So, that’s why I’d recommend spending maybe only one or two months TOPS of learning the theory.
And here’re some excellent places to start:
1. David DeAngelo, Double Your Dating. Quick, easy-to-read primer on the fundamentals.
2. Neil Strauss, The Game. Neil’s story of how he became a PUA. Gives you a sense of what’s possible. Super well-written too and a fun read.
3. Mystery and Lovedrop, The Mystery of Method. Overview of pickup theory. Good read after The Game ‘cause The Game refers to Mystery Method a lot. But it’s very theoretical.
4. Neil Strauss, The Rules of the Game. Great way to get you out into the field practicing. Only downfall: the book takes you as far as the number exchange, then stops. But no fear. I’m gonna give you some other great resources for that under step two.
5. Renaissan, How to Pick up Chicks in Five Simple Steps. My own ebook takes you to the kiss close. But I emphasize practice throughout: I give you scripts, pictures, and a practice plan.
After one or two months of getting the theory down, hit the field. Here’s how…
Step Two: Practice AND study theory for 8 – 10 months.
Mystery’s famous “newbie drill” is useful here. Here’s a variation of it I had used:
1) Pick three nights of the week to go out.
Do ten approaches each night. First three are warm-ups. “Hey” counts as an approach.
2) Make a commitment which days to go out:
Thursday, Friday, and Saturday are excellent choices. Go out those days no matter what for the next 8-10 months.
If you do that, you’ll rack up 30 approaches per week, and 120 approaches per month. Within 8 months you’ll have 1,000 approaches. 500 approaches will get you good. 1,000 approaches will get you towards mastery.
But the approaches have to be quality approaches. That’s where the next part of this step comes in.
3) Reflect on your approaches.
Self-reflection will ensure you’re actually improving and make you aware of what to continue doing and what to improve on next time.
Trackers come in handy here. After each night, track your ten approaches and checkmark which fundamentals you missed and which you hit.
I can’t tell you valuable this is. It’s KEY to getting better. Here’s something else that helps with the quality of your approaches…
4) Practice in the mirror.
Oh my lordy rehearsing before hitting the field helps. It’s like a comedian rehearsing before going on stage, or a musician practicing his guitar before performing.
Like Louis Pasteur says: “success favors the prepared mind.”
If you rehearse first, you’ll go into the field with your eyes open (rather than closed). Learn from the best pickup artists like Mystery and Style. They’d rehearse before hitting the field, too.
5) On your off-days, read pickup. And banter with cashiers, baristas.
Studying theory on my off-days had helped me see what I was doing well in field, and what I needed to improve on. Then when it came time for my infield days, I’d test out what I had learned while on my days off.
I recommend you doing the same thing.
But what are some good resources to study on your off-days? Here are some of my favorites:
Pickup Resources:
Again, these are resources you can study on your off-days to SUPPLEMENT your practice. Theory can never take the place of real-world practice.
1. Lance Mason, Charismatic Conversation. Expensive, but helpful. Has visuals, scripts, and exercises. You’ll learn how to open, create sexual tension, and become funnier.
2. Brad P, 30/30 Club. Yearlong course. You do 30 approaches every month. Each month you get an audio that focuses on a step, like approaching, or sex skills. They have a $30/month plan if you don’t have a lot of cash.
Inner-Game Resources:
3. Timothy Miller, How To Want What You Have. Psychologist argues that three practices—compassion, attention, and gratitude—are the keys to inner-strength and psychological health. Fantastic book. Highly recommended.
4. Anthony deMello, Awareness/Way to Love. Another highly recommended book by a Jesuit priest. Easy to read, and potentially life-changing.
Sex Skills:
5. Alex Allman, Revolutionary Sex. Excellent ebook on sex skills. His basic premise: “listening” is key to being a great lover. Kinda like listening is key to being a great conversationalist. Lots of practical tips too.
6. David Shade, Give Women Wild, Screaming Orgasms. David Shade covers techniques from the “Deep Spot” to Dirty Talk, and gives effective frames-of-mind like: “women LOVE to get fucked” and “your biggest tool in bed isn’t your tool”…
After about 8 – 10 months or 1,000 approaches (whichever comes first), it’s time to give back.
Step Three: Teach Others.
I’ve learned more from sharing what I’ve learned than in consuming theory. Teaching will not only reinforce your learning, but you’ll be helping other guys.
What are some ways to give back?
Open a Blog: write about your experiences and what you’ve learned.
YouTube: Make videos of your approaches and what you’ve learned. This is something I’d like to do more of myself.
Teaching: Apply to a legitimate pickup company and teach with them.
eBook: Write your own ebook, and give it away for free or even sell an inexpensive version.
In the End
Not only will you have changed your life, but you can become part of a larger movement that helps guys to find their masculinity again, and to become more excellent men who attract women naturally.
The message behind negs: “I’m not chasing you.” Done in a playful way. NOT to hurt.
1. First, let’s be clear about what negs are not.
They’re NOT meant to put down.
They’re NOT meant to cut down an ego.
They’re NOT meant to make you look superior.
They’re NOT meant to one-up.
They’re NOT meant to hurt.
If a guy does any of these things, he’s not negging. He’s being an asshole.
How can a guy tell he’s negging properly? If she’s laughing.
If she’s not, she’s usually been insulted. Occasionally you’ll find a girl who might just be a miserable human being. She wouldn’t laugh at anything. But nine times outta ten, if she’s laughing, you know you’ve negged properly.
To prove negs aren’t meant to insult, let me give you the technical definition of a neg, from Mystery himself:
“Negs disqualify you from being a potential suitor.”
2. In other words, negs are meant to show: “I’m NOT chasing you.”
This is especially useful on the most made-up women who’ve been offered drinks, propositioned for sex, glared at, grinded on a dance floor, told she’s pretty a thousand times, and asked twenty factual questions, like “where are you from.”
But a guy who makes her laugh with a variation of “stop hitting on me”? It’s different. Makes her stop and ask, “who is this guy?” Negs should feel like a breath of fresh air for her. ‘Cause he’s showing his personality and offering value: a laugh.
To repeat: Negs show you’re ACTIVELY *NOT* chasing a girl, you’re actively showing you’re willing to leave.
You’re also actively showing you’ve got personality. It’s so different than what other guys do, it’s intriguing. It’s like a cool headline that makes a girl wanna learn more about you.
And the mind-state behind using negs has NOTHING to do putting down women.
3. Here’s the mind-state:
First, presume you’re the prize. That means presume she wants you. You don’t need her. You come from an abundance of women. In other words, don’t audition for her. Let her audition for you.
Second,push her “presumed” advances away, or at least show you’re willing to walk away …presuming you’re the prize, she wants you, she’s hitting on you, of course you’ve gotta stop her from hitting on you. 😉
Third,because you’re “presuming,” the push away is *PLAYFUL*. Playful is the operative word here. It’s all play. You’re not literally pushing her away. You’re just presuming.
Fourth, play is fun and positive–so have positive energy. You can say “You’re beautiful” a thousand ways. They’ll all mean something different, depending on your feeling. The same words can communicate sincerity, creepiness, anger. So, if a guy feels negative, his neg will come off as insulting. But if he has positive energy, his neg will come off as fun, as playing-together.
Presuming a girl is hitting on you disqualifies you from being a suitor. ‘Cause you’re making HER into the suitor!
YOU: “Slow down, buy me a drink before you hit on me.”
Make this a running joke.
If you do the running gag of, “I’m so hot, stop hitting on me,” she’ll laugh PLUS she’ll fall into the frame of she wants you.
A long running frame will get you aaaaall the way to sex. Even if you’re butt-ugly. She can’t help but fall into it.
4. Negs are always about BUILDING COMFORT.
This idea that negs are meant to put down is wrong. Negs are really about ridding her discomfort of being hit on.
After all, she only wants to be hit on AFTER she feels attraction for somebody. She only wants compliments knowing you’re NOT trying to get something from her.
Negs allow you to give those honest compliments, ‘cause she now knows you need nothing from her. Compliments without an agenda make her feel good.
5. Here’s an experiment. Imagine a fat girl negging you… I bet you a $100 she’d attract you with her negs.
Let’s say this fat girl accuses you of wanting her. She’s funny and cool. I bet you $100 she’d attract you just with her frame. Here’s how that might look:
FAT GIRL: “You’re looking at my tits again aren’t you. Head up, head up. Get your head outta the gutter.”
YOU: “I wasn’t thinking any of that!”
FAT GIRL: “Mmhm. I’m sure you say that to all the big-breasted women. Yep.”
YOU: “No!”
Again, she’s funny, smart, cool, comfortable in her skin.
After a fun night with her, you find she’s lying in your bed STILL not hitting on you. She’s just saying:
FAT GIRL: “Okay, don’t get any ideas. Just because I’m in your bed…”
Then she makes a move on you. She begins stroking your cock, then sucking it. She’s damn good at it. And hey, a girl’s a girl.
Next thing you know, you’re taking each other’s clothes off…
That’s who we should be. We should be like the fat girl who accused the guy of chasing her. And she had to say “no” to his presumed advances (even though he wasn’t hitting on her).
Why does this work?
First, it’s funny as all hell. Then she became a challenge. Finally, you fell into that frame that you wanted her, and you found yourself wanting her.
Voila. The magic of negs.
6. Negs are also about giving feeling-good.
Whether or not you “get” her with negs, you’ll probably make her laugh with ’em. That’s good enough. If nothing else, make her night with a smile.
Negging a girl is like two friends PLAY-fighting with each other. She’ll neg you back. EXCELLENT! Game on. The flirting has begun.
No passive-aggressive claws involved.
Now, a word about this “pushing her away” thing… It’s probably why so many have so misunderstood negs to be put downs.
Something quirky about human nature: the more we can’t have something, the more we want it. But remember: you’re ALSO making her laugh in the process.
Magic my man. Magic.
7. So, think of negs instead as:
Play-fighting
Playful conflict
Being a fun challenge
Active non-neediness
Flirting!
Be the one to push it away, push it away. Show her you like her, but also show you don’t need her. All of a sudden, she wants in.
8. Let me give you some more examples:
All of these are ways to disqualify yourself from being considered a potential suitor. Or to presume you’re the prize, she wants you, and you’ve gotta push her away.
EXAMPLE #1: Friend Zone
YOU: “Yeah, yeah, come along. But expect nothing but good conversation. If nothing else, we can be friends.”
That’s a good neg.
It gets rid of her discomfort of being hit on. Says, “I’m not trying to get you. Let’s just relax and enjoy each other’s company.”
But do you see how there’s ZERO insulting going on here?
Now I know this might not be exactly hilarious. But it’s still IRONIC… and unexpected. ‘Cause here (I got this line from Mystery) Mystery’s stealing what girls usually say to us–“expect no sex… I’d rather be friends”–and using it on a girl.
Genius!
It’s a non-hurtful way of saying I’m NOT out to “get” you. Again, THAT’S what a neg is.
Here’s another example of how negs are NOT back-handed insults.
EXAMPLE #2: Tyler Durden’s Neg
Now, a caveat about this example. I wouldn’t recommend using it. I’m including it here as an example of how flexible negs can be and how they’re not meant to one-up, or knock someone’s self-esteem
Okay, here’s the example.
There’s this famous story about how Tyler Durden (co-founder of RSD) told a girl he was gay, so she’d know he wasn’t chasing her.
He played up the story all the way to fucking her in bed.
In bed while he’s fucking her she said, “But I thought you were gay.”
He said, “I think you changed me.”
Again, wouldn’t recommend this, ’cause it’s a lie. Funny yes, but a lie.
But this also qualifies as a neg. Why?
‘Cause Tyler was actively showing he wasn’t trying to “get” the girl. He gave her room to come to him. No “insulting” or “one-upping” involved.
Here’re some other great negs that are playful, that show confidence, that push her away without putting a girl down:
MULTIPLE EXAMPLES: One-liners
YOU: “I just want you to know we’re not having sex tonight.”
YOU: “I wore my old briefs tonight to make sure nothing would happen.”
YOU: “Hey, hey. Buy me a drink first!”
YOU: “Quit looking at my chest! My eyes are up here.”
YOU: “Did you put any roofies in my drink?”
YOU: “Quit looking at me like that. I’m not just some hot slab of beefcake you know. I’ve got feelings too.”
YOU: “You’re such a brat.”
YOU: “You’re trouble. I’ve gotta keep my eye on you.”
YOU: “Hands off the merchandise. That’ll be forty dollars. Hey, you think this shit’s for free?”
YOU: “You are so cute I wanna put you in my pocket and take you home with me. Wait. Are you house broken?”
Again, these are supposed to be funny ’cause it’s shit girls usually say to us. Guys aren’t supposed to say these to girls, right? Girls realize it’s absurd, there’s no substance to it… and they laugh.
Brilliant.
In fact, Mystery once said he learned how to neg FROM girls!
‘Cause they used to neg him and rebuff his advances like crazy. So one day he decided to give what she gave him right back to her–in a PLAYFUL way. Never in the serious, hurtful way girls sometimes “neg” us. To his surprise, it worked!
Mystery learned these negs from “tens,” who used these on him. Likewise, these kinds of negs work best on “tens” who’re stuck up or immune by the blur of men hitting on them. These are not meant to hurt. They’re meant to wake them up, to catch their attention.
Anyway, if you give her these lines that say “I’m the selector here, now you’re the selectee” before she gives ’em to you, how can she now give ’em to you?
Ha! You’ve turned the tables! Nice.
By the way, speaking of women “negging” us, what if she “negs” us seriously, without the playfulness? What do you do then?
EXAMPLE #4: When she negs you
Give it back to her still! With the playfulness. Interpret her neg as she wants you. Here’s one way of how that might look like:
HER: “I just want you to know, we’re not having sex tonight.”
Remember this neg is just a sound byte. So, give the sound byte back to her.
YOU: “Well I’m glad you brought that up. Because I didn’t shave. No seriously. I’m in the shower getting ready to come over here. I keep myself trim down there. And I do it out of laziness. Because if your lines grow out then you have to find new lines. So I’m shaving thinking, ‘Who am I shaving for? Is it you?’ I’m like ‘I’m not even in this headspace right now. While sex is all great and stuff, women can be a drag.’ So I specifically didn’t shave because I don’t feel sexy when I don’t shave. I don’t feel like I’m in a sexual mood. You know what I mean? So for you to say that? Works for me.”
You’re actually speaking a woman’s language and giving it right back to her.
This qualifies as a “neg” ’cause you’re actively showing you’re not trying to get into her pants. Without being hurtful about it.
And guess what? Because you’re giving her “negative” space, she’ll wanna fill it and come to you.
I’ve used this neg before when a girl told me “we’re not having sex tonight.” Guess what happened? We ended up having sex that night.
Go figure.
Here’s ANOTHER great neg that yet STILL doesn’t cut down:
Example #5: Let’s shut off the girl-boy dynamic
YOU: “Let’s turn this girl-boy dynamic off and just be, you know, spiritual, normal. I mean we’re both hot and we like each other. So what? Last thing I need is this girl-boy complexity. There’s a thoughtful, observing entity inside you. I care about that which is looking at me and seeing me.”
Yes, THAT’S a neg! ‘Cause you’re ACTIVELY showing you’re NOT chasing her.
I hope you see by this point that’s all negs are. It’s NOT a back-handed insult. God, no.
9. But wait, you might be saying. If negs DON’T “cut down,” then why is it called a “neg”? N-e-g seem to be the first letters of “negate.”
Good question.
There still is a sense of conflict, or pushing her away or “NO… I’m not after you” in negs.
But negs must be done in the spirit of PLAY. NEVER as a way to hurt or cut down an ego. Insulting is NOT playful, NOT fun, NOT friendly.
How would hurtfulness ever attract?
Those who say that’s what negs do to a girl’s self-esteem are guilty of a straw man argument: portraying someone’s position in the worst way to make it easier to attack. It’s a vulgar understanding.
Negs are AWESOME ’cause they infuse ENERGY into an interaction, and make it interesting.
Please allow me to indulge one last time to show you what I mean.
Many people in relationships have these kind of conversations:
::: Conversation with no conflict in it :::
He: “Good morning.”
She: “Good morning.”
He: “Breakfast?”
She: “Sure.”
He: “What would you like?”
She: “I don’t know. What do you feel like?”
He: “How about some eggs?”
She: “Okey dokey.”
He: “How would you like your eggs?”
She: “Sunny side up.”
He: “Toast?”
She: “Sure.”
He: “I’ve got some honey wheat bread. It’s great.”
She: “Okay, I’ll give it a try.”
He: “Butter?”
She: “Sure.”
He: “Jam?”
She: “Yes please!”
They read the paper as they eat breakfast.
She: “Anything happening in the paper?”
He: “Celtics won last night.”
She: “Yay.”
He: “Just barely though. They’re now in second place.”
She: “So, what’re you gonna do today?”
Do you feel the boredom? It’s a lifeless exchange. Why? There’s NO conflict! They just agree with everything they say to each other. Plus everything is FACTUAL.
Negs on the other hand add playful conflict and imagination to the mix. It’s not so literal or factual or so agreeable.
Check out if this couple added some playful conflict and negs to the mix:
::: Conversation with Playful Conflict :::
You’re making breakfast. Your girl enters the kitchen. And she grabs at it.
She: “Is it ready yet?”
You: “Hey, hands off.”
You pick her up, carry her to the counter away from the food, and sit her down there. You continue to cook.
You: “You stay over there you brat. You don’t understand. Cooking’s an art.”
She: “Sure, I’ll sit over here. All by myself.”
She throws a pieces of bread at you. You tickle her to make her stop. She runs away. You chase her and capture her.
She: “Wait the food’s burning!”
You: “Aw shit.”
See how much more engaging the conversation is now with PLAYFUL conflict involved?
That’s what negs are. Playful conflict. They create attraction. And not just when you first meet a girl.
If you wanna keep the spark alive in a long term relationship, NEG!
Relationships lose the spark when they lose sexual tension. Negs infuse SEXUAL TENSION into an interaction.
Negs are KEY to attracting girls.
10. Let me sum up.
Negs aren’t put downs. Negs are play-fighting.
Like when a dog plays keep away from you. Or when one person chases the other. Or when a TV show ends on a cliff hanger and says, “To be continued…”
What’s the difference between these and real fighting? What makes these “games,” and not battles-of-the-ego? Easy. There are no claws involved.
When a dog plays with you, he may show his teeth and growl, but he won’t draw blood. That’s how you know it’s PLAY-fighting. There’s no hurting involved.
That’s how it is with negs. There’s conflict, yes, but no drawing blood. No harming. No hurting. They’re playful. They’re meant to keep a girl engaged. They’re meant to keep a girl on the edge of her seat. It’s a GAME in the “tag–you’re it” sense of the word. It’s fun. It’s flirting.
Philosopher Baudillard probably had the best way to sum up negs:
“Challenge, and not desire, lies at the heart of seduction.”
Being-a-challenge-to-get engages and is fun. Negs are a tool to help you be that kind of playful challenge… rather than buy drinks, gawk, proposition girls for sex.
They’re what guys who are successful with women do naturally.
So, instead of insulting, think of negs as flirting. As actively showing a girl you don’t “need” her, that you’re not chasing her.
This creates sexual tension, and a DESIRE in her for more of you.
Negging is really foreplay. It’s the first step in getting girls “in the mood.”
It’s unfortunate this part of MM is so misunderstood. Because they’re so fundamental to attraction.
Let me close this beast of a post with some tips on how to neg a girl in the first five minutes of meeting her.
11. To execute negs properly in the first five minutes of an approach:
Pick ONE of the one-liners above.
Use that line within the second sentence out of your mouth. Don’t wait to do it. Do it IMMEDIATELY. Get the sexual juices flowing right from the start.
Don’t do more than two neg-exchanges in the first five minutes. Yes, negs break the ice. But once the ice’s broken, anchor the laughter with substance. That means introducing yourself, next qualifying her, and finally expressing your interest in her. That naturally leads to a mini-date (or at least a number exchange).
Presume you’re the prize. Presume she’s hitting on you, presume you’ve gotta get away from her. Yes, the presumption is imaginary. But that’s the fun and often humor of it.
Have positive energy. The kind of positivity that says “NOTHING can wreck my day. I’m just giving FEELING GOOD.” Whether you get that girl’s number or not, BOTH of you still win. ‘Cause you’ve made her smile.
Negs remove that heavy barrier called the “stranger obstacle.”
They create sexual tension, they get the good feelings flowing, and they allow you to approach a girl from a place of strength. You’ll attract her. And ultimately be able to get to know each other human being-to-human being.
12. So neg are ways to flirt, it’s playful conflict.
Flirting is play-fighting. NOT serious-fighting (where people get hurt). To create attraction, incorporate playful conflict into your interactions with women.
How do you play-fight in a way creates sexual tension and that doesn’t hurt a girl?
As you know by now, neg.
What happens when a guy negs. By pulling away a bit (playfully, NOT harmfully), she now wants in.
Can you imagine telling her when she was learning archery “just be confident”? That’s “natural game’s” message. You won’t hear the Mystery Method give that kind of advice. MM is more practical.
“Mystery Method Makes You A Social Robot, I Hear “Natural Game” Is Way Better…”
WARNING: This is kind of a rant.
1. The concept of “Natural Game” is marketing hype.
The “Natural Game” concept was created by people who wanted to cash in on the phrase “new and improved.”
Funny thing is, natural game is neither new nor improved.
Often these marketers started as students of Mystery, then repackaged his teachings and called it “natural game.”
Also the fundamentals of game were around long before Mystery or Natural Game. The genius of Mystery was his making the fundamentals conscious for anyone to understand and apply. Success with women was no longer explained by “just talk to women and be confident.”
“Natural Gamers” then came along and declared Mystery Method was too unnatural, too theoretical.
But these guys fail to grasp that when learning any skill, it helps to have a skill broken into steps first. That way a person can go from “conscious incompetence” to “conscious competence” to “unconscious competence.”
It’s as if Natural Gamers want guys to go from “conscious incompetence” to “unconscious competence”… without going through the “conscious competence” stage first.
And holy shit Natural Gamers are THEORETICAL for being “natural”!
Ha!
2. I had bought into their hype once. I wanted to see how “new and improved” they were.
Bought a lot of their products, listened to a lot of their interviews, read their books, watched some of their YouTube videos.
I didn’t learn anything new or improved. Except that their shit was overwhelmingly mediocre, and not very enlightening.
Why?
‘Cause their crap basically amounts to “be yourself,” “be confident,” “be playful and funny.” Cliches you’d find off a bumper sticker. Or you’d hear anyone off the street say.
Now let me ask you. If you’re out in the field and you see a beautiful woman, would that shit actually HELP you?
Of course not.
Wouldn’t you want something more specific, more practical?
Obviously. That’s where the Mystery Method comes in.
Rather than “new and improved” I’m afraid to say Natural Game seems more of a step backwards, rather than forwards.
3. Here’s another thing. For some, picking the nose could be natural. Should we be doing that when meeting women?
Some “Natural Gamers” don’t take the time to define what they mean by “natural game.”
Mystery Method teaches a guy how to BE HIS BEST SELF while knowing what to say, when to say it, and how to say it.
Yet Mystery’s Method IS natural game as well.
Meaning, there are men who seem “naturally” good with women. But then that’s a myth, too.
‘Cause no one is born “naturally” good with women. Everyone has to learn the skill, and CAN.
People like to call these men “naturals” because they may have never read a book on success with women. They still learned it though… by watching and modeling guys who were more successful with women than them.
4. Anyway, Mystery Method IS what men who are successful with women do (the “naturals”), but backwards engineered so it’s teachable for ANY guy can apply it.
This is especially useful if you don’t happen to know a guy who’s more successful with women than you.
That was me. I learned the Mystery Method, practiced it, failed a lot. But soon the method became “natural,” intuitive, and it became “second nature” to me.
And that’s my point. Learn a strategy–see the whole maze first, then start at the end and trace your steps back to the beginning. PRACTICE the steps until it becomes “natural.” Then you don’t need to rely on the map as much.
In other words, Mystery Method is like climbing up a ladder. It helps you get to the top. Once you’re there, you can throw away the ladder. But the Mystery Method at least gives you steps to get to the top.
“Natural Game”? Not so much.
5. Yes, Mystery Method provides steps and strategies. But they’re fundamentals.
Michael Jordan had to learn the fundamentals of basketball first. After mastering those, he could bend ’em to fit his style.
Fundamentals were around before Mystery or “natural game,” and they’ll be around after someone slaps a different label on it.
“Natural game” may cover a few of the fundamentals. Mystery Method covers ’em all. It’s comprehensive.
So, rather than chasing after the “newest” fad, get the fundamentals down. And that’s what the Mystery Method provides.
6. One other thing I want to mention that annoys me to no end: the smugness.
These “natural gamers” portray themselves as morally superior because they’re “natural.” But they turn around and bash Mystery (because they know he’s the best) without showing respect–even though often these guys learned from him.
Ugh.
The condescending tone makes me wanna reach for some Scope.
I’m not saying all natural gamers are like this. And I’m not against the idea of natural game. I just despise the bashing, the ingratitude, the mediocre advice… and how they end up confusing guys.
Like I said, don’t buy into their hype. Just focus on the fundamentals. You’ll get ’em all with the Mystery Method.
7. One last myth I wanna dismantle before I end this series on the myths surrounding pickup.
Has to do with one of the fundamentals of the Mystery Method: negs. It’s one of its most misunderstood parts…
One big benefit of learning routines: gets you to practice in front of the mirror. Do me a favor. Next time you go out, practice in front of the mirror first.
Benefits of Learning Routines:
You can let your personality shine.
You can lead a conversation somewhere.
You have an icebreaker in a pinch.
Gives you self-awareness of delivery.
It’s a way to model guys who are successful with women.
CAUTION: To avoid becoming a robot… understand WHY a routine works and mix in spontaneous conversation.
Use BOTH Routines AND Spontaneous Conversation
Reason this myth makes me laugh: we use routines all the time. Hell, one of the most spontaneous comedians ever, Robin Williams, used canned material.
He had a few stories he’d tell multiple times. For example, he’d tell a story about how he’s so hairy ladies waxing him asked if they could take a break. (The story begins at minute 4 below)
I’ve heard him tell that story on like five different talk shows.
He used a story that works. But he ALSO improvised, was spontaneous, played off people in the moment.
He did both.
I’d say we’re all like that. We all have “improvised” conversation AND occasionally we’ll use a story we know works. That’s all “routines” are. Stories or one-liners we can pull out in a snap that we know works well.
Here’s another routine Robin used when he talked about his hairiness. It’s at 13:12. I’ve heard him tell this story before, too. (BONUS: if you wanna hear a hilarious story about how the Scottish invented golf, check out minute 5:57. It’s awesome.)
Point is, Robin was a master improviser who also used canned material. Nothing wrong with using canned material. Everyone does it. Just use normal, spontaneous conversation too.
Wait, everyone uses canned material?
Of course. Saying “hey, how’s it going?” is a canned routine. So is “thank-you.” Telling a polished story you know works (think of an uncle who’s told a story you’ve heard a couple times) is a canned routine.
Once again, the trick is to use BOTH routines AND spontaneous conversation.
To avoid becoming a “robot,” understand WHY a routine works so you can invent new ones on the fly, when you need, in the moment.
Using routines vs. not using routines: ain’t an either/or thing. We can use both.
Here’s the other thing. Routines come in handy.
Sometimes when we’re caught off guard and draw a blank, we’ve got a routine in our back pocket we know works. When you don’t know what to say, you’ve got that just-in-case. It’s called being prepared.
Routines allow us to be prepared.
Here’s ANOTHER way routines come in handy: learning to speak “Woman.”
Routines are a Learning Tool
Comparison with learning a foreign language
Speaking “woman” can feel like learning a foreign language, right? The language of flirting, of speaking in code, of speaking emotionally (rather than factually) can feel like learning French.
Quick story: I’m teaching myself to speak Italian with these “Speak in a Week” CDs I pop into my car. They teach you common phrases. You memorize ’em, practice ’em, master ’em.
The idea is: just as a baby learns to speak by mimicking phrases he hears over and over again, so on this CD you mimic some of the most common Italian phrases. And just as a baby learns those phrases and soon makes up his own, so I’ve been able to make up my own sentences in Italian by getting down the “routine” phrases first.
Learning a foreign language consists of learning “routines.” Why should learning to speak Woman be any different?
Learning routines is the same idea. You start by mimicking a few “phrases” that work well when learning to speak Woman. Once you get a feel of what that’s like, you start to branch out and speak Woman on your own. Until you’re speaking it fluently and spontaneously.
Because when it comes down to it, it’s not even the words that are super important. It’s what you’re SUB-COMMUNICATING that’s important.
Having words down ahead of time allows a guy to use words to let his own personality shine. Words are just the surface. The clothing. Sub-communication gives the clothes form. Routines are clothes that show your personality below the surface. And a great personality attracts chicks.
This dress indicates her form. Routines are like this: the surface. Expressing (the indication) words (the dress) hint at our personality (the form). So, expression’s important, not whether you’re using a routine or not. Like driving a car, the driver’s more important than whether you’ve rented the car or not. In other words, a magic trick doesn’t make a magician. The performance of a magic trick make the magician.
Now, get this counter-intuitive thing.
I’ve ALSO found having words down ahead of time also allows me to be in the moment more. Crazy, right? Because I already know what to say… That frees me up to pay attention to women’s body language, play with my own delivery, make connections between different topics. I tune in more, and I can take the conversation somewhere more easily.
Let me give you an example of how routines can help you listen, in case that sounds too crazy. Piano.
Comparison with learning piano
Right now I’m learning to play a “routine” Beethoven wrote on the piano. I’m learning the notes (i.e. the words), but the real juice isn’t just in the notes. It’s how I play the notes. The expression from within. The delivery. Knowing what the notes are ahead of time allows me to listen to myself play, express myself better, and be in the moment.
A “routine” written by Beethoven (this here’s the “Appassionata Sonata”). If learning a routine in pickup is a bad thing, does that mean learning a routine for piano is a bad thing too? By the way, the point isn’t to play every note correctly. The point is to express them.
It’s the same damn thing with learning a routine in pickup.
Not only that, but by taking the time to understand why a “routine” by Beethoven works well, I can go on to create my own compositions, and improvise my own stuff on the piano.
Sweet!
I learn the rules from the masters, master the way they speak, and then can make up my own stuff using my own voice later.
In fact, this is EXACTLY how stand-up comedians learn to be funny.
Comparison with stand-up comedians
Last comparison, I promise.
This is what I’ve heard about how stand-up comedians learn to be funny. They model guys who are funny. Duh, right? They may even practice a few of their bits.
Well, if professional comedians do it why is it some moral issue that a guy who wants to learn how to be more successful with women do it?
And comedians go on to create bits for themselves… they don’t just blindly mimic the masters forever and ever. Some bits may come from improv. But they PRACTICE and POLISH those bits into material that goes into the can (their head). And they go on to kill at a show.
A comedian getting his routine down before he hits the stage. The best pickup artists do the same thing.
Couldn’t you say if comedy was just about the words, anyone could do it? The juice is in how they deliver the words (and how they time it). In other words, the sub-communication, the character they play, may be even more important.
That’s why it’s so important to PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE your routines in the quiet of your home before using them in field.
::: A good rule of thumb in how to practice :::
Practice a routine five times to get it to memory. Practice five times in front of the mirror to see your body language. THEN practice your routine on five sets.
But note once again how comedians use BOTH routines and improv.
My point is, even stand-up comedians learn to be funny by learning routines! So why then is it somehow “morally” wrong to learn how to flirt, start interesting conversations, and tell great stories by learning a routine? Especially since pickup IS a performance art.
When we open a group of girls, it’s a lot like being on stage. Routines allow us to practice being our best self live with people… people who often want to dismiss us before wanting to accept us.
Learning routines can prevent that from happening. They’re are a fantastic learning tool. And they make AWESOME ice-breakers.
Routines Make Awesome Ice-Breakers
Ever tried to wing a conversation? Don’t they become these go-nowhere conversations that turn into factual small-talk conversation?
Um, no thank-you.
Having an ice-breaker in your back-pocket makes it sooooo much easier to open a conversation. Once the icebreaker is done, now you can mix in normal, spontaneous conversation.
Ah, much better.
So, routines allow us to be PREPARED when talking with women. What a concept!
It’s another reason condemning routines makes me laugh. Oh-kay. So just go in unprepared and pray awesome conversation magically happens. Yay.
No, no, no, no.
Like Alexander Graham said:
Or Will Smith: “I’ve always considered myself to be just average talent and what I have is a ridiculous insane obsessiveness for practice and preparation.”
If you wanna succeed in the pickup arts, take the time to prepare. That’s what learning routines are about. Being prepared.
Again, take the time to rehearse, practice, prepare before hitting the field. Will make your success rate go up. Guaranteed.
One last Robin Williams video. At minute 2 he talks about how his free-flow also has discipline, thought, and preparation behind it.
Yes, be spontaneous. But for God’s sakes, there’s no need to wing it.
Musicians practice their guitar before going on stage. Basketball players practice their foul shots before the big game. The master pickup artists practice their routines and prepare before going out into the field.
Yes, Mystery, Neil Strauss, Matador, Discovery all practice routines in front of the mirror (and prepare themselves first) before going out into the field.
Why would you go on a stage not knowing what to do?
And here’s the irony. Like we said already, it’s EASIER to have spontaneous conversation (and listen and be in the present) when you know what you want to say ahead of time.
So. Routines make awesome icebreakers. They allow us to open a conversation with ease. And to lead it somewhere.
But wait, I can hear an objection: “Routines are not genuine because I’m using someone else’s stories.”
Aren’t Using Routines Not Being Genuine Though?
Sure, if you’re telling a story that didn’t happen to you, that’s a lie. I do NOT encourage that.
But good news! It’s so easy to personalize a routine to fit your style and voice. Just personalize the damn thing and make it genuine for yourself.
Shit, and why NOT stand on the shoulders of people who are successful?
That’s ANOTHER thing about this myth that makes me laugh. Implied is the idea of you’ve always gotta be original, new, different. So much so it’s conventional to be unconventional.
Besides, the best artists first learn from the masters by modeling them, building on them. Then they find their own voice in the process.
Hell, even Newton said he could see far only because he stood on the shoulders of giants. Da Vinci learned by imitating masters that came before him, too. Hell, Mozart mastered the sonata from Papa Haydn.
So, why not model guys who’ve been successful with women and adapt to your own style? That’s not being genuine?
Hahahaha! Please don’t make me laugh so hard.
I even heard this interview with Tucker Max once, someone a lot of people would call a “natural,” and you know how he said he learned to be more successful with women?
He stole lines from guys who were more successful with women than him. He’d see a guy use a line that worked, he’d steal it, and adapt to his own style. He used their “routines” to model himself after them, and found his own style in the process.
Tucker Max, who penned “I Hope They Served Beer In Hell” and is known for being spontaneous as hell, said he learned how to be successful with women by stealing lines from guys who were better with women (back when he was still learning).
Fuck. Even Tucker Max uses canned material now and then.
But it’s obvious. We all do! If a person claims they don’t, he’s just lying to himself.
How To Avoid The (Possible) Pitfalls of Routines
Let me just repeat this one important point, though.
To avoid becoming a “routines” robot, it’s important to understand WHY a line or routine works, so you can make up your own stuff.
Also, it’s important to mix in spontaneous conversation.
But that’s so obvious, it almost goes without saying.
The good news is in using other material that works, it gives you an intuitive sense of what works and what doesn’t. By copying, modeling, and following the masters, you become a master yourself.
Excellent!
So, yes don’t say things that aren’t true of you. But if there’s a line that works and it’s true to you and it helps you to speak the language of Woman… Use it.
You’ll have something in pinch, you’ll be prepared, you’ll showoff what’s within you, and it makes it a helluva lot easier to have spontaneous conversation.
Let me say it again. Routines are such a great learning tool, and a great tool to have in the back-pocket.
So, next time you’re in a bar or a club or even on the street, see a beautiful women, want to approach her, and draw a blank… you’ll know what to say!
You’ll already have an opener in the back of your mind. No matter how intimidatingly beautiful the woman is. You can deliver it without even having to think about it.
You can START the conversation and LEAD it. And holy shit, is that attractive.
With routines, next time you see a woman on the street who takes your breath away… you won’t be intimidated. You’ll know exactly what to say.
Done right, routines are wonderful. That means:
practicing in the mirror (before you hit the field)
understanding why a routine works (so you can make up your own shit later), and
combining it with your own spontaneous conversation.
You’ll be speaking Woman fluently, communicating awesomely. Your personality will shine through more. You’ll be socially freer. And you’ll be more self-aware.
I’d say that’s the REAL reason to get into game. To know thyself and become a more excellent man (that attracts women naturally).
Now, speaking of routines, there’s another myth related to this one (about routines) that irritates me: that natural game is better. Holy cannoli. Let’s talk about that one next.
The Puritans, the founders of the U.S.. They thought dancing and sex were sins. We’re still Puritans… especially when it comes to how we view sexual desire. There’s nothing wrong with sexual desire.
To say pickup is about lying, bullshitting, and manipulating also moralizes sex. In the same way we moralize women for wanting sex by calling her a “slut,” we moralize men for learning how to be better with women by calling him a “bullshitter, a manipulator, a liar.”
Moralism is a disease, a disease of modern society. So many of us would rather take half-baked ideologies and condemn everyone else before looking at ourselves and seeing how imperfect we are first.
Again, there’s nothing morally wrong with desiring women. Learning pickup allows a man to harness that desire into something more than lust. So that he develops into a more excellent man in the process.
Sexual energy begins “down there,” but we can harness it into something higher. One of the values of pickup: it gives sexual energy a positive place to go.
So, in my view at least, that’s what pickup is about.
“Players” are different from pickup artists. Players rush a woman into bed, and have no interest in seeing her again. He may bullshit, manipulate, or lie to “get” sex.
A pickup artist, by contrast, takes his time in getting to know a woman and wants to give her a great experience.
Once again, in learning this skill, a man develops himself into a better man. One who’s neither nice guy nor jerk. He takes the best from the two extremes and discards the worst.
Then after he’s mastered the skill he helps other guys who were in his situation.
That brings Myth #1 to a close
Phew. That was a long response to the first myth that pickup is about lying, bullshitting, and manipulation. But I had to go into detail about it, because I hear this myth too often.
I hear it so often because it’s easier to judge than to understand. And it’s fun to judge before understanding because it makes a person feel superior and righteous to condemn.
Anyway, my point was when done correctly, pickup can be such a positive thing.
But here’s a second big myth that surrounds pickup. Myth #2: learning routines is bad. It’s another moralistic myth that cracks me up.
Pickup teaches there’s nothing wrong with a man treating a woman like a woman… even if she can open that car door herself.
A Shadow 1970s Feminism Cast
By the way, let me make clear here that feminism is fantastic. I’m grateful for it. Our culture is better for it.
It makes me laugh when I hear a woman say she’s not a feminist. Feminism isn’t bad. Unless treating both men and women like human beings is bad.
We needed to learn women are NOT the second sex. Women can do the same exact things men can do. We needed to open avenues for women so they could go to college, have careers, not just stay home and make babies. They showed us women and men are absolutely EQUAL.
The message behind the original feminism was good: women can do the same things as men. Both are human, both are equal, both sexes must be treated with respect.
But here was the problem.
That brand of feminism (from the 1970s) seemed to relay this message: men and women are the same, that’s why they’re equal.
Here was another shadow 1970s feminism cast: 1970s feminism seemed to only include white women of the middle and upper classes. Current feminism includes women of all races and classes.
Let me say that again.
Implied was the sense men and women are the SAME. That’s why they’re equal. The intent was great. To fight oppression of women, to give women equal rights as men. But in the realm of sex, this was a disaster.
Men began to feel “sexist” if he treated a woman like a woman in the realm of sex and dating. He feared opening a door for a woman meant he was a chauvinistic pig. He felt badly if he desired a woman. He didn’t know if he was supposed to pay the bill, whether that meant he was now saying women weren’t independent. He wasn’t even sure if it was sexist taking the lead on the dance floor.
Women expressed some grievances, too.
They found men seemed to act less like… men. Sure, they were “nice.” They were more sensitive than the macho jerks. That was refreshing. But women found these nice guys weren’t exactly turning them on in the bedroom either.
Something was missing. Something like a spark. Maybe even electricity.
So yes, women were going to college, becoming doctors, lawyers, CEOS. Excellent! They were becoming independent. Awesome! Less dependent on the man to provide for her. Fantastic! She would even cut her hair short, burn her bras, and grow armpit hair. (Um, er…)
Feminists burning their bras in Toronto, 1979.
Meanwhile, men were going out to the woods, growing their hair long, learning to cry, getting in touch with his emotions, staying home to take care of the baby, learning to become more nurturing.
By the ’80s movies were coming out where men played the traditionally feminine role. “Mr. Mom” starring Michael Keaton in 1983 is an example.
You might say men were getting in touch with their feminine side, women in touch with their masculine.
I know I’m probably sounding like a broken record, but this is a POSITIVE. Getting in touch with the feminine or the masculine within makes us more three-dimensional human beings.
But without returning home to our native masculinity or native femininity, things get confusing in the realm of sex. Two negative poles don’t create any magnetic attraction between magnets. Two positive poles don’t create electricity in a battery either.
Similarly, with this idea of “sameness” sexual electricity between men and women becomes muddled. There’s just… neutrality. NEUT(ERED)-ality.
How Pickup Answers This Shadow
Enter pickup.
Pickup builds on 1970s feminism. The idea is yes, men and women are equal but that doesn’t mean they’re the same.
We’re different, but equal.
From China: the yin-yang symbol. Yin (the dark) is the feminine, Yang (the light) is the masculine. But dark didn’t mean evil and light didn’t mean good. The idea was more like, during the day we’re active, during the night we rest. We need both for balance. Again, the masculine and feminine are different AND equal. As well as complements.
Difference is great. We need variety in the world. But difference doesn’t mean superior vs. inferior or better vs. worse. Why are we so either/or and black and white in the West?
Difference can mean just different. Better yet, it can mean complements. Complements that NEED each other… complements so if we get rid of one, we get out of balance. It doesn’t have to be a battle between good and evil.
So, sexually men and women are not the same. That doesn’t take away from the equality. We still share in the same humanity.
But in terms of sex, we NEED difference to create sexual electricity. Much like we need a positive and a negative charge in order for energy to flow.
Again, the message behind pickup: men and women are different AND equal.
From India: Shiva (masculine energy) and his consort Shakti (feminine energy). Like the yin-yang symbol, this image says the masculine and feminine isn’t worse or better than the other. They’re different, but equal and complementary.
Here’s an image showing the difference between Shiva and Shakti: Shiva (masculinity) rests like DEATH and sits back (detached-like) to witness universals. Shakti (femininity) dances with energy like LIFE, and is engaged with particularities (which allows for relationship). One is not better than the other. Both are important, both equal, both need the other. Both men and women are capable of and need both.
Here’s another message underlying pickup: It’s okay to be a man! It’s okay to desire a woman. It’s okay to take the lead on the dance floor. It’s okay to treat a woman like a woman. To make her feel beautiful and desired.
So, “Why do men have to learn how to be a man?”
After that needed revolution by 1970s feminism, a lot of guys weren’t sure anymore what it meant to be a man. They even feared being “masculine” because they didn’t want to a misogynistic jerk.
Pickup gives guys permission to be masculine while treating a woman as an equal. It shows a guy how to take the lead, how to be a protector, how to be funny and flirty. In order to create some sexual electricity! Pickup also teaches a guy how to be more sensitive and empathetic, treating women with utmost respect. He must leave a woman… and every person he comes across… better than he found them.
In that sense, pickup isn’t just self-development, it’s a cultural evolution. When pickup is done right (and I know it’s not always done so) it’s a movement that can help men–and perhaps our culture–evolve to a higher step.
Thanks to 1970s feminism we’ve evolved from the macho jerk to the Sensitive Man. Women evolved from the Submissive Housewife to the Independent Woman. Now it’s time to take the next step in the evolution. For men: to be sensitive but also to have a spine. For women: to be independent but also to be beautiful and feminine.
I got this idea of the “third evolution” from David Deida’s book “The Way of the Superior Man.” It’s important for men to evolve to the final stage: be sensitive but also to have a spine. That’s what pickup must teach.
The next evolution for women: strong and independent, but also feminine.
Manipulating, bullshitting, or lying has nothing to do with the true goal of pickup.
Let me close this myth (that pickup is about manipulating, bullshitting, and lying) with one last point.
It has to do with male desire. How it’s okay to desire women. And how pickup harnesses that desire in a healthy way…
This character from Les Miserables is AWESOME. Not only is he a strong bad-ass, he’s good to people.
One reason women confuse guys is at one time they say they want the “Bad Boy,” other times they say they want the “Nice Guy.” Well, which is it?
The best PUAs take the most attractive characteristics of the “Bad Boy” and the “Nice Guy,” and discard their most undesirable characteristics.
He takes from the “Bad Boy” assertiveness. The ability to say no and to draw boundaries. He isn’t “nice” with the ulterior motive to get something in return. In fact, he doesn’t give a shit what people think of him. That gives him a sense of social freedom.
That strength and freedom from the “Bad Boy” replaces the needy, weak characteristics of the “Nice Guy.”
But, the best also treat a woman with respect and kindness. He knows how to listen, and to be empathetic. He has a sense of morals and integrity. He might even place importance on developing himself as a human being.
These positive characteristics of the “Nice Guy,” replace the asshole characteristics of the “Bad Boy.”
So, the best PUAs are strong yet sensitive. They’re neither supplicators, nor self-centered pricks.
They also know we humans respond to the “caress” after the “spank.” We must be able to say “No, these are my boundaries” first. He shows the “Bad Boy” first. Then he shows her all the kindness in the world. He knows his woman will be far more responsive to his kindness when he can show his strength first.
The Best Want To Give A Woman An Amazing Experience
The best don’t just take a woman out to dinner and a movie for a “date.” The best take a woman on an adventure, and make memories. Yes, this is a scene from “The Notebook.” So what? It’s got some good pointers.
The best take women out of the ordinary world and give her an extra-ordinary experience. He wants to create an experience that a woman’ll remember.
He takes her on an adventure, even if it’s in a supermarket. He gives her “peak” experiences, and they create memories–together.
That’s romance, man. The best know women love to be seduced because it makes them feel good. They want to give whatever woman he’s with “feeling good.”
The Best Want To Make A Woman Feel Like A Woman
One of my favorite scenes from “Don Juan DeMarco.” Making a woman feel like a woman.
Connected to creating an experience for a woman, the best want to make women feel beautiful and special. Not in a bullshit way, but honestly.
The best know how to talk to a woman in way that makes her feel and imagine. He helps awaken her deepest desires, and makes her feel sensual. He seduces her mind first because he knows her body will follow.
Also, the best know how to take the lead, so the woman he’s with can sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.
Giving her “feeling good,” creating an experience for her, taking the lead makes a woman feel like a woman.
The Best Take The Lead
Not: “where you do wanna go?” “I dunno where do you wanna go?” “I dunno…” Instead: take the lead. The best know how to be the man.
The best are like dancers who take a strong lead on the dance floor. Never in an authoritarian or controlling way. In a way that lets a woman feel free enough to let go and dance.
For example:
If he approaches a woman, he gives (rather than tries to get) and he knows how to take the conversation somewhere.
If a woman feels shy on a first date, he takes care of the conversation, makes her feel comfortable.
If he takes a woman on a date, he takes care of the details ahead of time.
If they’re in the bedroom, he drives her to places she wants to go to.
The Best Give Women Great Sex
Notice the candles in the background to set the mood. Maybe there’s some soft music playing, too. Maybe there’s even some pleasant-smelling incense burning. Maybe there’s some wine beside the bed to make her taste buds tingle. It’s a five-senses experience. Plus, he takes time to warm her up. He explores her body all over. He teases. He listens. He leads. All this before he even thinks about sticking his dick in her.
The best makes a woman feel relaxed in the bedroom. He creates a safe place for her be sexual. He desires her, wants her. But he also respects her for the unique person she is.
During sex, he’s like a great conversationalist… who listens. He knows he has to listen because each woman is different. Even the same woman is different moment to moment. So, he listens to her, attuned to her signals, the subtle way her thighs open or close, and responds in kind.
He’s also passionate in bed, and isn’t afraid to express it.
He knows a woman’s second biggest sex organ is her skin all over (not her pussy). Before diving into her pussy or feeling up her tits, he plays with her three erogenous zones (that include her lips, her skin–all of it, all the nooks and crannies). Not in a linear way, but in a way that keeps her guessing what’s coming next.
Most importantly, he knows a woman’s largest sex organ is her mind. Even during sex he uses anticipation, his words, his eyes to keep her mind (and heart) engaged.
Speaking of her mind, he knows how to make a woman WANT sex…
The Best Make Her Want Sex
We all want something more when we have to wait to get it. The best know how to make a woman WANT sex by making her wait. No, it’s not to manipulate. Sheez. It’s to give her an amazing sexual experience. Okay?
The best don’t need to “take” sex from a woman. They come from an abundance of sex. So, the best want to GIVE. Give a woman the gift of an amazing sexual experience.
The best also know women want sex as much as (if not more than) men. So, they know they don’t have to manipulate, lie, or bullshit a woman into bed. All they have to do is give a woman what she really wants… but before he gives her that, he make her wait.
Attraction turns to desire (or even lust) when we have to wait.
Take, for example, a a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. Do I have to manipulate, bullshit, or lie to you for you to take it? Of course not. I just present it. You’d probably grab it, if you wanted it enough.
But if I wanted to make the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup taste even better for you, I’d have you WAIT to get it. The anticipation makes you want it more. When you finally get it, it’ll taste even better.
Likewise, the best PUAs understand the power of anticipation. He doesn’t hand over sex for free to a woman. He makes her WANT it, by making her wait. By giving her a playful challenge. By teasing her.
This challenge, this tease is NOT manipulation. It’s a good story. Good music. Good art. Good sauce. Putting a person on the edge of her seat, lends a sense of the aesthetic, the beautiful, to an experience.
When there’s a journey (NOT only a destination) the sex is waaaaay better.
Again, it’s not manipulation. It’s giving a woman an amazing sexual experience. That she’ll remember. That she’ll want more of. By making sex a bit elusive, by keeping it just out of reach, the sex is more delectable.
It’s an experience BOTH him and his woman want.
The Best Want To Leave A Woman Better Off Than He Found Her
The best aren’t just about “me,” and “taking.” They’re about giving and leaving their woman off with a smile.
What does it mean to leave a woman better off than we find her? We talked about this in the last installment, but it bears repeating:
Look for the best in her.
Give incredible great sex.
Make memories.
Give her feeling good with your positive energy.
Learn who each other is below the surface.
Perhaps learn about each other’s passion in life, and inspire each other to pursue it.
Most important, to build her up.
Point is, the best aren’t go-getters. The best are go-givers. But we guys aren’t born knowing how to do this. We have to learn it.
Guys Aren’t Born Knowing How To Do This
How could you expect a man to be born knowing this?
That’s where the pickup arts come in. ‘Cause it’s not exactly a skill that’s taught in high school.
It’s not just for the “nerds” or those who feel “insecure” around women to learn. That’s a common misperception. The pickup arts is for every guy to learn. Especially the “jocks” who might think they know it all.
True, “nerds” tend to gravitate to this stuff more, probably because they’re humble enough to learn. But that doesn’t mean the “jocks” can’t learn from these arts as well.
This is for EVERY guy.
Again, it’s not about manipulating, lying, or bullshitting. It’s about being the man, understanding women better in order to treat a woman like a woman.
But you still might ask, WHY does a guy have to learn how to be the man?
Great question. Let me to answer that in part five.
Here’s a hint: All light casts a shadow. Even the light that 1970s feminism gave our culture cast a shadow. The pickup arts addresses that shadow…
Pickup explores the human relationship between men and women.
In learning to become a better man and more successful with women a man must look at himself and face his strengths and weaknesses.
Practicing pickup forces you to take an honest look at yourself. Much like how Socrates encouraged us to “know thyself.”
In the process he learns about himself and how to get along better with fellow humans.
Isn’t that what the field of ethics is about?
Pickup is not only about self-examination, but how to get along with our fellow human beings better. Isn’t that what ethics is about?
Yes, pickup can also be compared to studying Machiavelli’s “Prince.”
Some may say “no” pickup isn’t like ethics. It’s more like Machiavelli’s “The Prince.”
That is, pickup observes humans as they are not as they “should be.” But where the analogy ends is pickup doesn’t encourage manipulation. There’s an ethical component at the heart of pickup. That is, to “leave a woman (or any person) better off than when you find them.”
It’s true pickup observes how relationships in the sexual realm ACTUALLY work. Machiavelli, too, observed how relationships in the political realm actually work. But there’s still an ethical maxim pickup artists must follow. That’s to treat every person we come across with respect. To leave them better than we find them.
But what does it mean to “leave a woman better off than you found her”?
I’d say:
Look for the best in her.
Give incredible great sex.
Make memories.
Give her feeling good with your positive energy.
Learn who each other is below the surface.
Perhaps learn about each other’s passion in life, and inspire each other to pursue it.
Most important, to build her up.
Hold on there a sec. Doesn’t pickup lure men in by appealing to their ego though?
Doesn’t that say pickup is inherently about the ego?
This was the first book that got me into pickup. The marketing definitely appealed to my ego. I wanted to be more successful with women. I had no idea how my life would change for the better though…
True, pickup does lure men in by appealing to their egos. That lure got me into pickup. The promise of becoming a more attractive man, of having choice with women, of taking control of my dating life.
Yes, this was my dream. Yes, this is what got me into pickup. Yes, this totally appealed to my ego.
That appealed to my ego. But it also spoke to my broken heart.
Pickup gave me the ability to be proactive and do something about my broken heart rather than resign myself to saying “I’ll never succeed with women, I give up,” or pity myself and do nothing about it. I thank the skill of pickup for giving me a fighting chance.
The way I look at this lure: as sugar that helps the medicine (medicine that heals) to go down. Yes, the sugar lures guys into taking “medicine.” He may not even notice the medicine without the sugar. And so the sugar helps him to take the medicine that’s good for him in the long run.
When I was a kid I hated spinach. But then I watched Popeye cartoons. I started eating spinach to be more like Popeye. Yes, being like Popeye appealed to my ego. But I started eating spinach.
But so did Popeye cartoons appeal to my ego yet got me to eat spinach. Is it bad that those cartoons appealed to my ego if it got me to eat spinach?
It’s ironic. Pickup appealed to my ego, but in the end pickup helped me put my ego aside.
Yeah right! How?
In the beginning I sucked at pickup. Because I was trying too hard to get approval. Guess what helped me get better at pickup? When I began to let go of “getting” approval. Things got a lot easier then.
To become an effective pickup artist, this was the big lesson I had to learn. Not intellectually, but for real.
Also, I had to learn this. You get rejected a lot while practicing pickup. I learned to let go of the approval of others. Not to care what others thought of me. Just to give “feeling good,” and to take any “failures” as lessons to learn.
But I had to learn this for real. If I pretended not to want approval, I failed. Women could smell the bullshit.
In fact, I’d say women actively look for bullshit. If you approach a women, you’re a bullshitter until proven innocent.
So, I had to NOT want the approval for real. I had to learn to give “feeling good” to women with no strings attached for real.
Learning to give without needing anything in return IS the secret to success in pickup. As well as empathy.
Learning pickup is a battle of the ego. It’s about putting ego aside. Putting ego aside means becoming a giver rather than a taker.
In any event, practicing putting my ego aside changed me from the inside out.
The pain of rejection is the death of the ego. The death of the ego liberates the soul.
Continues to change me.
Now I practice not giving a shit about “getting” approval or worrying about what people think of me in general. More important is spreading some love. I got that “aha” moment from practicing pickup.
Pickup IS an art. The most effective artists are the ones who get out of their own way.
In every art, including pickup, it’s a battle of ego. Learning any art can be life-changing. Because you have to learn not to rely on an external force of validation.
So, the arc of a pickup student is this. Guy gets into the game for ego reasons, but in the end finds something more valuable: himself. Confidence. Healing of the soul. That’s why I consider pickup to be part of the self-development niche.
But what about those bad apples, you say? If pickup is so life-changing, why are there still those bad apples?
They’re still learning.
The “bad apples” in pickup haven’t made it to the other side yet. They’re filling a void in their soul by getting women to like them. They’re still relying on that external force of validation.
They haven’t made it to the other side yet. They’re stuck at a phase in their growth. Maybe they’ve had some success, but they haven’t let go of the desire to “get.” They may use women to fill a void in their souls that neither women nor anything else external can fill. Their outer-game has changed, but their inner-game hasn’t.
But that’s the man, the case, not the skill. He still has work to do.
Then there are the PUAs who are still beginners. They’re like the karate student who knows just enough to get his ass kicked.
There’s the other kind of pickup artist that many like to criticize: the beginner. He’s like the karate student who knows just enough to get his ass kicked. But his beginner status isn’t permanent. He’s still on the journey, he’s learning.
A woman may see him bumble a approach. She then jumps to the conclusion that all PUAs must be like this.
If you met a person on a college campus who was an atheist, would you conclude everyone on that campus is an atheist? Of course not. So why make that same lazy generalization of all PUAs?
To conclude then that all pickup artists are “bad” is a weak inductive argument. It’s making a sweeping generalization based on a just a few cases.
As I hinted at earlier, on the whole the guys who are learning this skill are great guys.
Many just want a girlfriend. Many are sensitive guys who wouldn’t dare hurt a woman. Many are intelligent, have personality, are talented. Many want to learn how to succeed with women better. That’s it.
Most of the guys who get into pickup are good guys. I like this definition of what a good guy is.
Only problem is they might not be the “cool” guys. They’re often the “nice guys” who got sidelined. Guys who want to learn pickup want to do something about this. Instead of playing the victim, they’re taking charge of their fate.
Does that make them manipulators or bullshitters or liars? No way. We just want to become more attractive to women. In the process, we become more excellent men.
It’s funny because women spend LOADS of time and money making themselves more attractive.
Women spend a lot of time making themselves more attractive. It’s laughable that they then turn around and criticize a man for making himself more attractive by learning pickup.
Makeup, perfume, clothes, Cosmo magazine. Women want to be attractive too. So why do they condemn men when men want to do the same? And the cool thing is to become more attractive to women a man can’t just makeover his appearance alone. That’s part of it. But more important, he must focus on the person within.
Because women seem to be more attracted to a guy’s personality and whether he’s got his life together and whether he’s got empathy and whether he’s strong, cool, relaxed. More than his looks.
So to become more attractive we have work on ourselves. Get our lives together for real. Become more assertive, outgoing, relaxed for real. Learn to become more confident, think of ourselves as the prize for real. Dress better, not to wear so much cologne, snip the nose hairs, start working out for real. We have to learn how to strengthen ourselves from within and become more empathetic for real.
Yes, empathy. Empathy is a key component to becoming a great PUA.
It’s true. Without empathy a PUA is mediocre. To feel with and to understand another is what elevates a PUA from mediocrity to excellence. If a guy can’t develop empathy, he’s not gonna succeed with a woman.
You can’t bullshit, lie, or manipulate with empathy. With empathy you treat a person as an “end,” a human being, and not as a “means,” or an “object” to be used.
This is the ultimate ethical maxim all pickup artists must abide by. To treat every person we come across as an “end,” as a human being. When we do this, we practice empathy. Empathy is the difference between a great pickup artist, and one who’s still learning.
In the end, it’s women that inspire us to get into pickup.
It’s funny because it’s those beautiful women who seem so out of reach that inspire us guys to get into pickup.
Nothing new there. Historically women have inspired men to write love songs, poems, take a shower in the morning. With pickup we’re doing a similar thing, but channeling that creative energy into working on ourselves.
But the great thing about learning pickup is it teaches a guy to harness that sexual desire for women into something higher. Into becoming a better man who’s more confident with beautiful women and other people.
By wanting to be more attractive to women, we develop ourselves for real.
To me, I’d say that’s not just a win for us, but it’s a win for women.
The best PUAs–the ones who’ve made it to the other side–have no need to lie or manipulate or put down or play on insecurities. They’re more confident. More playful. More empathetic. More their best selves… with beautiful women.
The best pickup artists are like the character of Hitch. They started out as not having a clue with women, but they end up becoming their best selves. That’s the goal at least.
I see that only as a beautiful thing.
Let me run with this theme just a little longer. Let’s talk about what the best PUAs look like… in the next part.
A Few Bad Apples in Pickup Don’t Invalidate the Whole of Pickup
Again, because the skill is neutral, of course a guy can use it for ill. He can easily make it about self and ego.
But you can say the same for any skill. There are selfish, egotistical concert-pianists, professors, scholars, athletes, artists, actors, salespeople, Christians. But does that invalidate the whole of Christianity, acting, art, athletics, scholarship, and piano? Does a few bad cases make the whole of the skill inherently selfish?
Of course not.
There are many others who’ve mastered the skill without being egoists. I’d say most guys learning this skill don’t want to hurt women and don’t want to use them. They’re in it to better themselves. But more on that later.
This logical fallacy, by the way, is called “Composition/Division.” (And if you want an awesome list of other logical fallacies, check this out. Sweet-ass site.)
Anyway, this fallacy assumes that what’s true for a part must be true for the whole. Or, the whole must apply to the parts. For example, thinking, “I’m made of atoms. Atoms are invisible. Therefore I must be invisible.”
Yes, there are some bad apples in pickup. That doesn’t make the whole of pickup a bad apple. The few bad apples are just bad apples. The bad apples who may lie, manipulate, and bullshit doesn’t mean that’s inherent to pickup.
In fact, you could draw parallels to ethics with pickup. Allow me to explain in part three.
‘Cause I hear how horrible it is to learn pickup a lot. You may even have some of these doubts yourself. I wanna address these, so you have no doubts this path is an awesome one.
Myth #1: Isn’t Pick-up About Lying, Manipulation, and Bullshitting a Girl into Sex?
Nope.
Usually I hear women come up with this one. But to be honest, it was a concern of mine before getting into pickup, too. I didn’t want to get into something that was about lying, manipulation, or bullshit.
But it comes down to intent. The skill itself is neutral. It’s neither manipulative or non-manipulative. The man breathes the manipulation into the skill if that’s his intent.
It’s similar to money. Money itself is paper with ink printed on it. It’s neutral, neither good nor bad. It’s the intent that makes money a good or evil. Persons who are greedy and rich were probably greedy before they got rich. Persons who are generous and rich were probably generous before they got rich.
Similarly, those who use pickup to manipulate were probably manipulators before they learned the skill. There are plenty of PUAs who are in this NOT to manipulate, bullshit, or lie, but to grow as men.
In any event, neither money nor pickup is “evil” in itself. It’s the intent of the man that makes it selfish or not.
So, when I hear this old wives’ tale, I know it’s a gross generalization.
When women say it, I think there’s a valid fear. It’s lazy thinking, don’t get me wrong, but I think there’s a valid fear beneath it. Perhaps they fear men will learn the skill and use it to manipulate them, lie to them, not see them as human beings.
But learning this skill doesn’t mean this happens.
This myth becomes offensive when women (or anyone else) accuse, stereotype, condemn, and get moralistic on ALL pickup artists before understanding the specific man.
After hearing enough of these accusations I myself almost feel guilty that I have male desire, and that I want to learn how to succeed with women.
Of course there’s nothing wrong with having male desire or wanting to succeed with women. The irony is this accusation is often used as a manipulative guilt trip itself.
So, why can’t a guy learn how to become more attractive, and talk to a women better without lying, manipulating, and bullshitting?
Do those terrible things really follow from the desire to become more attractive?
Hell, no.
Indulge me for a moment and let me take this accusation apart to show you how ungrounded and fallacious it is. I’ll begin in part two.
