A Cure For “Mr. Nice Guy” Syndrome: Telling The Truth
Before I give you the quote, quick background.
I just finished reading “Radical Honesty,” by Brad Blanton. Highly recommended.
Here’s the basic premise:
At heart we’re Being. There’s nothing mysterious or mystical about Being. It’s just the sensate being in the body.
However, our parents, teachers, priests, media taught us how things SHOULD be and how we SHOULD act. We grew a “mind.” In a word, we became “moralistic.”
We went from living as Being to living in the mind. We lie to ourselves and to others to keep up a false image that fits the way we SHOULD be. We suffer, we inflict suffering, and kill ourselves as a result.
The way out of this prison is to tell the truth. Telling the truth sets us free to return to Being. We become more alive, at peace, and creative. And telling the truth reveals that underneath all the bullshit we thought separated each other, we are all Beings in common. Honesty also brings relationships back to life, too.
Not only did this book make me (painfully) aware of moralism and how it’s everywhere… in me, in you, everywhere.. it gave me an insight into the “Mr. Nice Guy” syndrome. As you and I know that isn’t exactly a recipe for success with women.
Nice Guys tend to pretend to be more “perfect” than they really are. If you’ve ever wondered how to cure the syndrome, telling the truth might be the way.
While I was reading “Radical Honesty,” I read Tucker Max’s “Hilarity Ensues” at the same. Turned out, Tucker was the perfect companion. He proved over and over how his honesty won him the girl at the end again and again.
You know Tucker’s WILD success with women, right?
Well, if you read my post “Lessons From Tucker Max,” you’ll see I quote him talking about how he thinks it’s his honesty that is one of the two keys to his success with women.
It’s also what makes his stories so great. It’s entertaining and refreshing seeing someone having the balls to tell the truth.
Now, why would telling the truth work so well, especially when it comes to women? I don’t know the exact answer, but here are some guesses:
Honesty challenges the status quo and breaks you out of the seeking-other- people’s-approval herd. Attractive.
Makes you free, strong, ballsy, a leader, authentic, and alive. Definitely attractive.
Not only that it puts women at ease. The question “what does he want from me?” won’t come up, because it’s out in the open. It makes you more trustable, allows her to be more honest with you, and calms her. Um, SUPER attractive.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. It’s easy to talk about it. It’s a hell of a lot harder to actually DO it. And you’re absolutely right. People will condemn you…
…in the short term. But in the long term you’re living a life of integrity, of truth.
Blanton suggests these three action steps to actually PRACTICE being more honest. So you can release your Being from the prison of your mind:
STEP ONE. REVEAL THE FACTS: Any facts you’ve been withholding from someone, tell them about it. For example, if you cheated on someone, reveal that fact to them. This clears up the lies from your past. And it eliminates any false image of self you’ve been presenting to them.
STEP TWO. BE HONEST ABOUT CURRENT FEELINGS AND FACTS: Admit how you feel when you feel it. Speak secret judgments of others out loud. Reveal your shadow. Keeping the shadow inside, it persists and becomes a poison. Releasing them out into the open, it dies and keeps you clean. Like an internal bath.
STEP THREE. EXPOSE THE FICTION: This is the practice of demythologizing yourself. Praise yourself openly, rather than manipulate praise. Confess your putrid vanity. Admit you’re a liar. Admit you don’t know. And fending off the ego. Over and over and over again. It’s about fading egotism away. A battle that never ends.
And that’s exactly what the quote I wanted to share with you is about:
“At level three, you have to get over your new egotism about having made it to level three. Once you come off it two or three times and admit your pretentiousness, and you get to thinking you are pretty virtuous, you must then own up to the fact that owning up to the facts is not a virtue, just growth.” (page 79, “Radical Honesty”)
That quote completely shook me up.
As soon as you think you’re so great for telling the truth you’re back in the prison of the mind. It’s not about being “virtuous.” It’s about getting back to Being. And growing.
Absolutely love it.