Category Archives: Confidence

The Renaissance Man

vitruvian woman couple_by_godstaff-d3hocbf


This isn’t about techniques, but inner-game. It’s about developing the Renaissance Man within. It’s a longer post, but I promise this idea will be worth it.

‘Cause you could have all the game in the world, but if you’ve got nothing to back it up, you’re gonna come off as shallow, having no substance… hello turn-off.

Yes, cultivating the Renaissance Man within isn’t exactly “active” game. But your SUB-COMMUNICATION will be waaaay better. You know, what you “say” in between the lines. The tiny unthinking, subconscious things you say and do, like body language, your reservoir of stories and conversation topics, confidence.

Oh hell yeah, confidence. I’d say a guy becomes a man of high-value FOR REAL by cultivating his inner Renaissance Man. I mean, he’s realizing his potential, choosing the “high” road over and over, how could he not? That’s a HUGE source of confidence.

Then of course there’s the fact that as a Renaissance Man you keep your woman attracted in the long-term, rather than merely attracting her in the short-term.

Actually, I’d say that’s the biggest benefit of becoming a Renaissance Man. Better than helping you “get” women, it’s good in itself. It’s good in itself to become a more excellent, well-rounded man.

So I know this post isn’t exactly how to “game” women. But without a solid foundation to build a house on, the house’ll crumble no matter how pretty it looks from the outside.

Shit, I love what I’m about to share with you. This idea inspires me to no end. I mean I named my pen-name after the idea for God’s sakes. I hope it’ll inspire you, too.

Okay, here’s the basic idea behind this post: let’s not let the ideal of the Renaissance Man die.

Every guy’s got a Renaissance Man inside them.

You’ve got one, I’ve got one. So why not let that beast out to play? Especially since it’ll make us into naturally attractive guys.

Emphasis on “naturally.”

I mean, look, learning how to pickup chicks and how to cold-approach and how to attract women kicks ass. I love it. Shit-load of fun. And not to mention, all-important skill that can apply to life outside of pickup.

But it’s ONE skill. There’re others. So, if we only focus on that one skill, don’t you think that kinda limits us? Stunts us from becoming all that we could be?

Like, what if our life became about picking up women and nothing else? Then what? What would our conversations be like? What would our relationships be like? How interesting would we be as human beings?

Whoa, that was a lot of questions. But here’s my point.

Yes. Having no life outside of pickup stunts our full potential as human beings.

But a man who also spends time building a life outside of women becomes a fuller human being. You’ll be like: Screw needing women to validate me. Or having to wear a “pickup” mask. Or fearing there’s nothing behind my pickup mask.

You’ll be the man who’s a “10” on the inside. That kind of guy attracts “10’s,” and KEEPS ’em keep coming back for more… ‘Cause he’s a “10” himself.

How cool is that?

Now, what better way to cultivate a life outside of pickup and become that “10” than cultivating ALL our gifts? Than becoming a Renaissance Man?

Okay, okay, okay. I get your point already. What the hell IS a Renaissance Man anyway?

Great question.

According Baldessare Castiglione…


Baldessare Castiglione (1478 – 1529) Italian courtier, diplomat, soldier, writer. He was famous defining what the Renaissance Man is in his book “The Courtier.”


in his book, “Courtier” every Renaissance Man has six characteristics in common. He’s a:

1. Gentleman:

He’s got social intelligence (and perhaps seduction skills…)

2. Citizen:

He CONTRIBUTES to (and participates in) society.

3. Scholar:

He explores existence, learns, grows in awareness.

4. Artist:

He’s got a craft in something and does it with care, imagination, creativity, even play.

5. Warrior:

He takes care of his body and health, he’s strong and assertive, he’s equanimous and honest.

6. Christian:

Castiglione was writing during the Renaissance when everyone was a Christian. Doesn’t mean you have to be a Christian per se, but to have some kind of spiritual life. In other words, a Renaissance Man does things for “the greater glory of God and the salvation of man” (the Jesuit motto). Put another way, he works to puts aside ego to love.

My favorite part?

ALL of us have the ability to be this. It’s not a few are born to be Renaissance Men. Being a Renaissance Man is the lot of being human. It IS being a human being. A FULL human being.

But unfortunately, our culture tends to specialize. So it seems strange that you could be a nerd AND a jock. Or an artist AND a scientist. Or a Christian AND a warrior. It’s like in our culture we think “you’ve got to be one or the other.”

Not according to this ideal.

According to the Renaissance Man ideal, we can do it all. And there are plenty of people that have proved it’s possible.

Check out some of these examples so you KNOW it’s possible for you:

  • Dolph Lungren:


black belt, weight-lifter. He speaks Swedish, English, German, French, Italian, Spanish. Studied chemical engineering, and economics. Professional actor (see ‘Rocky IV’), founding member of a New York theater company and a production company, he’s directed six films, and apparently can sing.

  • Viggo Mortensen:

Viggo Mortensen

Actor (see Lord of the Rings), singer, composer, professional photographer and abstract painter–whose work gets featured in actual art galleries. A poet and a general badass.

  • Noam Chomsky:

Noam Chomsky

Philosopher and cognitive scientist. His work has influenced psychology, and he literally invented modern linguistics.

  • Douglas Hofstadter:

Douglas Hofstadter photo

professor of cognitive science, artist, calligrapher, composer, programmer, and physicist. He’s also fluent in three languages, and he’s studied eight others.

  • Ben Franklin:

Ben Franklin

SCHOLAR – Made important discoveries in electricity, invented the “Franklin Stove,” discovered three methods of cooling, introduced several crops to the U.S., invented bifocal glasses, studied several languages, designed a phonetic alphabet, mapped the Gulf Stream and Routes for the post office, traveled extensively in U.S. and Europe, involved in founding of two colleges (University of Pennsylvania and Columbia University).

CITIZEN – Founded first U.S. Hospital, first circulating library, first fire department, first police department, first insurance company, founded street lighting, paving and cleaning, started American Philosophical Society, started Society to Abolish Slavery, started “Leather Apron Club” Union, first postmaster, originated matching contributions idea, crafted well-known maxims on thrift, business-owner, “Patron Saint of Printing,” held government positions such as governor, Ambassador to England, Minister to France, helped found the United States, Philanthropist, organized fund raising and contributed to many worthwhile causes.

GENTLEMAN – Known to be a ladies’ man, known for his great sense of humor, known for his diplomacy and social skills.

ARTIST – Wrote for several early newspapers, considered U.S.’s first writer of humor, drew first cartoon in an American newspaper, founded “Poors Richard’s Almanack,” invented musical instrument – glass armonica, designed “sea anchors”

RELIGION – Introduced idea of prayer in Congress

WARRIOR – Colonel in Militia

  • Leonardo da Vinci:


artist, architect, inventor, scientist, poet, amateur musician.

  • Socrates:


was said to demonstrate the most courage on the battlefield during the Peloponnesian War, one of history’s greatest philosophers, humble stone mason/sculptor, active citizen in Athenian democracy, known for his gentlemanly sense of ethics, duty, sense of humor, wit, social skills.

“But hold on,” I hear someone saying. “If I follow this Renaissance Man ideal, won’t I just become a jack-of-all-trades but master of none?”

Here’s what I think we can learn from the examples above.

Yes, each of these Renaissance Men often had a focus. For example, Da Vinci focused on painting. Socrates focused on philosophy. Franklin seemed to focus on being a citizen. But that didn’t mean they couldn’t also be poets, musicians, scholars, and so forth as well.

To think otherwise is limited thinking. It’s to defeat one’s self before even beginning.

In fact, when I say “Renaissance Man,” I don’t mean just being multi-talented. I mean being a COMPLETE human being:

Being a scholar (learning and developing), a citizen (contributing and participating), a gentleman (social skills), a warrior (healthy body and assertiveness skills), an artist (using a skill that helps us imagine) and “Christian” or spiritual person (serving a higher power and living an ethical life) are just different facets of being human.

In fact, Plato had this PHENOMENAL idea that “education is recollection.”

We’re NOT born blank slates. We DON’T begin life knowing nothing. It’s NOT that a teacher fills us with knowledge.

Rather, we’re born with the answers within from birth. It’s just the teacher’s job to help us remember. According to Plato, we can learn math because we already have the ability to learn mathematics within.

If that’s true, you can take that a step further.

The reason ANY of us can learn music, art, science, ethics, or whatever, is because we already have the capacity to do it. We just have to remove the plank from our eyes and remember how. The Renaissance Man is within all of us. It’s prewired within us already. It’s what it means to be human.

That’s how I understand the Renaissance Man. Developing the WHOLE human person, not just a part.

I hope we haven’t become so specialized as a culture that we think this is impossible. If so, we’re in danger of creating a self-fulfilling prophesy where we’d be walking around as one-dimensional men.

To show specialization is not the only way of thinking, look at the ancient Greeks. They were the ones behind this Renaissance Man ideal after all. In fact, historians named the Renaissance era with the French word for “rebirth” because this was the age where persons were rediscovering the Greeks and their value of plural excellence. Rebirth of the Greek ideal.

This ideal wasn’t a big issue for the ancient Greeks as it is for us moderns.

Few Greek were specialists (like us). Instead, they were about plural excellence. That’s why so many Greeks were naturally Renaissance Men.

Plato was a poet, a budding politician, a philosopher, and a star wrestler (Aristolces is Plato’s real name; Plato was his wrestling nickname… Plato meant “broad” in Greek… because Plato had such broad shoulders. We know Plato by his wrestling nickname. Isn’t that awesome?).

Aeschylus, the “father of tragedy,” was a great poet and playwright but if you look on his gravestone, his inscription makes no mention of his plays, only his military achievements. He had fought in both Persians Wars and identified more with his honors as a warrior. But he was also an active citizen, gentleman, and a member of the  Eleusinian cult.

Thales, the first philosopher in Greek philosophy, was a mathematician, an engineer, a scientist, a philosopher, an entrepreneur, a citizen who attempted to federate the twelve city-states on the coast of Turkey to fight against the Persians.

To be a Renaissance Man in ancient Greece was not an anomaly. It was expected. All men strove for plural excellence, NOT for specialization.

Why was this ideal not a big issue for the ancient Greeks?

Here’s my theory at least. Maybe they thought plural excellence IS what it means to be human.

We know how much the Greeks exalted humanity, what humanists they were. Perhaps what they recognized and loved in humanity was its universality.

Universality? Huh?

The Greek myth about Prometheus explains what this “universality” is.


Prometheus. His myth hints at why the Greeks thought EVERY person has the Renaissance Man within them.


Check out the myth. I think you’re gonna like this…

First, backstory: Prometheus was a Titan who lived before the gods were even born. In fact, Zeus and the rest of the gods had to battle the Titans in order to rule Mount Olympus. Prometheus was one of the few Titans that had helped the gods beat the Titans.

His name meant “foresight.” He had a brother named Epimetheus and it meant “after-sight.” In other words, Prometheus was the one who thought before acting, Epimetheus acted before thinking.

Okay, here’s the story: Prometheus and Epimetheus were given the task of repopulating the earth after the gods beat the titans. The gods gave the two brothers gifts to hand out to all the beasts. Prometheus crafted an animal called “Man” with great care. He even modeled them after the gods.

But Epimethus made all sorts of animals rapidly without thinking. And he gave away all the good gifts to them. So animals could run fast, see, smell, hear better, and had more endurance than Man. Plus they had coats of fur that kept them warm in the cold nights.

Man had no gifts and no ability to survive in the wild.

Prometheus took pity on man. Of course he did. Man was his special creation. So this is what he did. He asked Zeus to have some of the sacred fire to help them out.

Zeus said, “Hell, no. The fire belongs to the gods alone!”

Prometheus couldn’t bear to see Man suffer so he decided to steal some of the fire anyway. He carried it down to earth.


Prometheus stealing some of the fire from the gods for the sake of humanity.


And thank God. ‘Cause the fire kept Man warm in the night. It also kept away other beasts so they wouldn’t attack.

Even better, a strange thing happened.

Man would watch the smoke spiral upward. Their eyes lifted from the ground up the the heavens. They began to wonder, think, become more aware, and they built temples to honor the gods.

Still, when Zeus found out about Prometheus’s thievery, he punished him… SEVERELY.

He chained Prometheus to a rock with unbreakable irons, and each day an eagle would eat out his liver. At night his immortal liver grew back again. But every day the eagle returned to make him suffer again.


Prometheus getting punished for his transgression. He was chained to a rock and an eagle would eat out his guts during the day. His guts would heal during the night. The eagle would eat out his guts again the next day.

They say it was Hercules who finally rescued Prometheus, but that’s a whole other story.

The point is, humans didn’t have a special gift like other animals. Their gift was fire, awareness, and their ability  to transcend their “one-giftedness” that the other animals were limited to.

Jean-Paul Sartre made a similar point.


Jean-Paul Sartre (1905 – 1980) twentieth century existentialist philosopher from France.


In his essay, “Existentialism Is A Humanism” he argued that what makes humans unique is we’re NOT bound by an “essence.” We exist first. We have this incredible freedom to create our own essence.

I like the way a Renaissance philosopher put it. Giovanni Pico Della Mirandela…


Giovanni Pico Mirandola (1463 – 1494), Italian philosopher from the Renaissance. The same insight in the Prometheus myth can be found in his “Oration on the Dignity of Man.” That book has been called the “Manifesto of the Renaissance.”


…in his “Oration on the Dignity of Man” drew out the lessons of the Prometheus myth in this way (by the way, I know this is a long quote, so feel free to skip it, but let me tell you how WORTH it is to check it out):

“Man is the most fortunate of living things and deserving of all admiration…he’s not of the brutes alone, but also of the astral beings… Hear what this condition of man is… The Great Artificer still longed for some creature which might comprehend the meaning of so vast an achievement, which might be moved with love at its beauty and smitten with awe at its grandeur. He brought forth man.

But there remained no archetype according to which He might fashion a new offspring… All space was already filled; all things had been distributed in the highest, the middle and the lowest orders… At last, the Supreme Maker decreed that this creature… (man has) nothing wholly his own, (but has) a share in the particular endowment of every other creature. Taking… this creature of indeterminate image, He set him in the middle of the world and thus spoke to him:

“We have given you no visage proper to yourself, nor any endowment properly your own… (but) whatever place, whatever form, whatever gifts you… select, these same you may have… The nature of all other creatures is defined and restricted… you, by contrast, aren’t impeded by restrictions… by your own free will… you, trace for yourself the lineaments of your own nature. I have placed you at the very center of the world, so that from that vantage point you may with greater ease glance round about you on all that the world contains. We have made you a creature neither of heaven nor of earth, neither mortal nor immortal, in order that you may, as the free and proud shaper of your own being, fashion yourself in the form you may prefer. It will be in your power descend to the lower, brutish forms of life… (or) to rise again to the… divine.”

To have what (man) chooses, to be what he wills to be! The brutes from the moment of their birth bring with them all that they will ever possess. The highest spiritual beings were from the very moment of creation… (are) fixed in the mode of being. But upon man… God bestowed seeds pregnant with all possibilities the germs of every form of life. Whichever of these a man shall cultivate, the same will mature and bear fruit in him. If vegetative, he will become a plant. If sensual he will become brutish. If rational, he will reveal himself a heavenly being. If intellectual he will be an angel and the son of God. And if dissatisfied with the lot of all creatures, he should recollect himself into the center of his own unity… become one spirit with God, in the solitary darkness of the Father Who is set above all things, himself transcend all creatures.

Who will not look with awe upon this our chameleon? …If you see a man dedicated to his stomach, crawling on the ground, you see a plant, not a man. If you see a man bedazzled by the empty forms of the imagination… and made a slave to his own senses, you see a brute, not a man. If, however, you see a philosopher, judging… (from) the rule of reason… he is a creature of heaven and not of earth. If… a pure contemplator… wholly withdrawn into the inner chambers of the mind, here is neither creature of earth nor heavenly creature, but some higher divinity clothed with human flesh.

Who will not look with wonder upon man… (who) is designated sometimes … by the term “every creature” because he models, fashions, transforms himself into the likened of all flesh and assumes the characteristic power of every form of life?

But what is the purpose of all this? That we may understand… we have been born into this condition of being what we choose to be–that we ought to be sure above else that… we appreciate it… we may… not pervert this free option. We(‘re) impatient with mediocrity (and) pant after the highest things. Let us emulate the kind of life life they lead. For if we lead this kind of life, we shall attain their same estate. If we burn with love for the Creator only… (we) transform into… a heavenly being.

Humans have the ability to be anything we want. We’re both brute and angel. We’re not fixed, we’re “every creature,” we’re universal. The choice is ours what we make ourselves into: to transcend our brutishness or to cultivate our more universal “God” nature.

It’s that universality that’s at the heart of the Renaissance Man.

Marx the same insight, too.


Karl Marx (1818 – 1883) German philosopher who worked in England. Much of his philosophy was a critique of capitalism (rather than about communism).


He thought the essence of humanity was the creative act, to be universal men. But unfortunately, he observed most of humans are stuck working 9-5 jobs, getting minimum wage, and not fulfilling his humanity. That’s why he was so passionate about healing the contradictions and injustices inherent in the capitalist system.

Again, whole other story.

My point is: it’s that universality the Greeks loved so much about our humanity. It seems like for them, it was expected to cultivate this universality within us, ’cause it’s what it means to be a well-functioning human.

THAT’S what it means to a Renaissance Man.

Awesome right? See why this ideal inspires me to no end?

Okay, okay. What does all this have to do with pickup?

My point: Pickup focuses on ONE area of the Renaissance Man… the “gentleman.” That’s important, but let’s also develop the other five areas.

For example, how can we also:

  • Contribute to our community? Be a citizen?
  • Be an Artist? Fire our imagination?
  • Be a warrior? Perhaps making our bodies stronger? Becoming more assertive? More courageous to be honest?
  • Be more spiritual? Serve God (or whatever label you prefer to name that which is larger than us)?
  • Exercise our mind? Learn more about philosophy, science, math, history?

Again, what does this have to do with pickup?

I alluded to it at the beginning of this post, but it’s about becoming a more excellent man FOR REAL.

It’s one thing to have tight game on the outside. But if a pua’s sub-communication isn’t there, his game will be like an empty shell. If we build a life FOR REAL that kind of confidence spills over naturally in our sub-communication. Women will feel that inner-strength coming from us.

Also, if you’re building a life FOR REAL, you’ll have a life she’ll want to be part of. And, you’ll naturally have more references to talk with her about once your pickup is done.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s important to get the techniques down. But that’s just the part of the iceberg that peaks up from the surface. Even more important is what’s underneath.

Imagine a girl coming back to your place, and you can play the guitar for her.

Imagine being able to talk poetry, politics, psychology, history, sex, the stars, movies, music… if she’s interested in some or all of those things… with your girl.

Imagine being able to whisper Italian in her ear as you make love to her: “Sei la piu bella donna del mondo” (you are the most beautiful woman in the world).

Imagine being able to sketch her.

Imagine if giving to charity were part of your everyday life anyway. Then when you’re on a date with a woman you help an old lady cross the street. Not to impress her but ’cause it’s who are. You’d attract her without trying. As a byproduct of who you already are.

These are just a few of the surface-level benefits that can help a guy with his success with women by being a Renaissance Man. Call me biased, I just think becoming one helps a guy be naturally attractive to a woman.

But, again, screw being a Renaissance Man for her. Be a Renaissance Man for you. Because it’s good in itself. Because constant growth, constant “rebirth” in becoming a more excellent man is good in itself.

Okay I’m done. I’m stepping off the soapbox now.

All I wanted to say is: let’s master pickup, but let’s also develop our whole person, too. Let’s become an excellent men first and worry about attracting women as an after-thought. Let’s become the “sun” that naturally draws women in, rather than being a “planet” seeking to revolve around her.

Shit, man. Let’s become Renaissance Men.


You know what she’s thinking? “Mm-hm, I likes me a Renaissance Man.” Swear to God. 😉


Quote – “Radical Honesty,” by Brad Blanton

Dr. Brad Blanton, author of "Radical Honesty"

Dr. Brad Blanton, author of “Radical Honesty”

Before I give you the quote, quick background.

I just finished reading “Radical Honesty,” by Brad Blanton. Highly recommended.

Here’s the basic premise:

At heart we’re Being. There’s nothing mysterious or mystical about Being. It’s just the sensate being in the body.

However, our parents, teachers, priests, media taught us how things SHOULD be and how we SHOULD act. We grew a “mind.” In a word, we became “moralistic.”

We went from living as Being to living in the mind. We lie to ourselves and to others to keep up a false image that fits the way we SHOULD be. We suffer, we inflict suffering, and kill ourselves as a result.

The way out of this prison is to tell the truth. Telling the truth sets us free to return to Being. We become more alive, at peace, and creative. And telling the truth reveals that underneath all the bullshit we thought separated each other, we are all Beings in common. Honesty also brings relationships back to life, too.

Not only did this book make me (painfully) aware of moralism and how it’s everywhere… in me, in you, everywhere.. it gave me an insight into the “Mr. Nice Guy” syndrome. As you and I know that isn’t exactly a recipe for success with women.

Nice Guys tend to pretend to be more “perfect” than they really are. If you’ve ever wondered how to cure the syndrome, telling the truth might be the way.

While I was reading “Radical Honesty,” I read Tucker Max’s “Hilarity Ensues” at the same. Turned out, Tucker was the perfect companion. He proved over and over how his honesty won him the girl at the end again and again.

You know Tucker’s WILD success with women, right?

tuckermax your face here

Well, if you read my post “Lessons From Tucker Max,” you’ll see I quote him talking about how he thinks it’s his honesty that is one of the two keys to his success with women.

It’s also what makes his stories so great. It’s entertaining and refreshing seeing someone having the balls to tell the truth.

Now, why would telling the truth work so well, especially when it comes to women? I don’t know the exact answer, but here are some guesses:

Honesty challenges the status quo and breaks you out of the seeking-other- people’s-approval herd. Attractive.

Makes you free, strong, ballsy, a leader, authentic, and alive. Definitely attractive.

Not only that it puts women at ease. The question “what does he want from me?” won’t come up, because it’s out in the open. It makes you more trustable, allows her to be more honest with you, and calms her. Um, SUPER attractive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. It’s easy to talk about it. It’s a hell of a lot harder to actually DO it. And you’re absolutely right. People will condemn you…

Brad Blanton getting arrested

Brad Blanton getting arrested

…in the short term. But in the long term you’re living a life of integrity, of truth.

Blanton suggests these three action steps to actually PRACTICE being more honest. So you can release your Being from the prison of your mind:

STEP ONE. REVEAL THE FACTS: Any facts you’ve been withholding from someone, tell them about it. For example, if you cheated on someone, reveal that fact to them. This clears up the lies from your past. And it eliminates any false image of self you’ve been presenting to them.

STEP TWO. BE HONEST ABOUT CURRENT FEELINGS AND FACTS: Admit how you feel when you feel it. Speak secret judgments of others out loud. Reveal your shadow. Keeping the shadow inside, it persists and becomes a poison. Releasing it out into the open, it dies and keeps you clean. Like an internal bath.

STEP THREE. EXPOSE THE FICTION: This is the practice of demythologizing yourself. Praise yourself openly, rather than manipulate praise. Confess your putrid vanity. Admit you’re a liar. Admit you don’t know. And fend off the ego. Over and over and over again. It’s about fading egotism away. A battle that never ends.

And that’s exactly what the quote I wanted to share with you is about:

“At level three, you have to get over your new egotism about having made it to level three. Once you come off it two or three times and admit your pretentiousness, and you get to thinking you are pretty virtuous, you must then own up to the fact that owning up to the facts is not a virtue, just growth.” (page 79, “Radical Honesty”)

That quote completely shook me up.

As soon as you think you’re so great for telling the truth you’re back in the prison of the mind. It’s not about being “virtuous.” It’s about getting back to Being. And growing.

Absolutely love it.

Brad Blanton RadicalHonesty

Nothing is a Big Deal

Nothing is EVER a big deal.

If something doesn’t go right, no need to freak out. There’s always a solution to a problem. If you listen to the Stoic philosophers and to the Taoists, they seem to believe things will work out one way or another.

And in the larger scheme of things, whatever the “big” deal is, is never really THAT big of a big deal. In fact, I’m constantly getting reminded that pain is usually something to learn and grow from, not to freak out over. Wouldn’t you agree?

So, remain calm. You can handle it whatever life throws at you. You can handle it.

It’s an attitude that’s attractive to women, no doubt. I mean, how are we to supposed take care of our women, and be a strong man for our women if we can’t keep calm in the storm that’s life?

But more important than being attractive to women, it’s a critical attitude to have for life in general. I repeat this mantra to myself whenever things don’t go right, and it always helps me to stay calm and focused.

After all, what really IS the big deal? Haha

Rousseau and Pickup

Jean-Jacques Rousseau 1712-1778

“Man was born free, and he is everywhere in chains.”

Jean-Jacques Rousseau, The Social Contract, page 1

This applies to pickup.

All of us are born socially free. But we got bound by social chains of “you can’t do this,” esteem, hurt feelings, limited thinking, insecurities.

Pickup is one way to free us from these chains.

Brad P: what all the master pickup artists have in common, despite whatever school of pickup they represent, is

Social Freedom

MOST people have social anxiety. They’re afraid of rejection, afraid to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing.

But the key to success in pickup is to break free from this anxiety and be socially free again. The way we already were as kids.

Like Rousseau says, EACH ONE OF US has freedom inside us already. We just have to return to it.

When I think of social freedom, I think of the movie The Mask.

Remember how Jim Carey transformed from this timid, Mr. Nice Guy into a wild, fearless, powerful and invincible guy when he put on The Mask?

Then Ben Stein explains The Mask had released his id from his super-conscious.  With The Mask on, he now had no more social pressures like “you’re not supposed to this” or that. Just total non-self-consciousness and freedom!

When I picture The Mask before I go into the field it’s amazing how approach anxiety kind of lessens for me. What other people think of me? Screw that. All I care about is doing the right thing… being friendly to EVERYONE and giving lots of love. That’s higher than what people might think of me.

Now here’s the best part of all this. How do we break our social restraints?


What could be more socially free than approaching complete strangers? Approaching is an exercise of social freedom, like an athlete exercising to become healthy and strong.

Social freedom is our natural right. It’s in ALL of us. We just have to reclaim it. The art of pickup is an awesome… and very practical… way to do this.

Don’t Give a Damn What Anybody Thinks of You

Who cares what she thinks about you? Just give her “feeling good.” No need to get anything in return.

“Having a lot of money has nothing to do with being a success in life. You’re a success in life when you wake up! Then you don’t have to apologize to anyone, you don’t have to explain anything to anyone, you don’t give a damn what anybody thinks about you or what anybody says about you. You have no worries; you’re happy. That’s what I call being a success…

(Those who are worried what people think of them–even if rich and famous)… are controlled, so manipulated. They are unhappy people, they are miserable people. They don’t enjoy life. They are constantly tense and anxious. Do you call that human? And do you know why that happens? Only one reason: They identified with some label. They identified the “I” with their money or their job or their profession or (what women thought of them).”

-Anthony DeMello, “Obstacles to Happiness” in Awareness

Don’t worry what women–or anybody–thinks of you. Connect with reality. Who cares about getting “esteem” from others? Irony: when you don’t care what a woman thinks about you, you’ll become more successful with women.

How to be Non-Needy

You don’t need her

I read the passage below a few years back while getting over a broken heart. It helped. The idea of it might upset some. But I know it helped me to feel freer, and as a byproduct, be more successful with women.

The passage comes from a chapter called “Detachment” in a book called “Awareness” by Jesuit priest Anthony DeMello. I know it’s a little long. But it’s totally worth it.

Do this little exercise for a few minutes: Think of something or someone you are attached to; in other words, something or someone without which or without whom you think you are not going to be happy. It could be your job, your career, your profession, your friend, your money, whatever. And say to this object or person, “I really do not need you to be happy. I’m only deluding myself in the belief that without you I will not be happy. But I really don’t need you for my happiness; I can be happy without you. You are not my happiness, you are not my joy.” If your attachment is a person, he or she is not going to be very happy to hear you say this, but go ahead anyway. You can say it in the secrecy of your heart. In any case, you’ll be making contact with the truth; you’ll be smashing through a fantasy. Happiness is a state of non-illusion, of dropping illusion.

Or you could try another exercise: Think of a time when you were heartbroken and thought you would never be happy again (your husband died, your wife died, your best friend deserted you, you lost your money). What happened? Time went on, and if you managed to pick up another attachment or managed to find somebody else you were attracted to or something else you were attracted to, what happened to the old attachment? You didn’t really need it to be happy, did you? That should have taught you, but we never learn. We’re programmed; we’re conditioned. How liberating it is not to depend emotionally on anything. If you could get one second’s experience of that, you’d be breaking through your prison and getting a glimpse of the sky. Someday, maybe, you will even fly.

I was afraid to say this, but I talked to God, and I told Him that I don’t need Him. My initial reaction was: “This is so contrary to everything I’ve been brought up with.” Now, some people want to make an exception of their attachment to God. They say, “If God is the God that I think He ought to be, He’s not going to like it when I give up my attachment to Him!” All right, if you think that unless you get God you’re not going to be happy, then this “God” you’re thinking of has nothing to do with the real God. You’re thinking of a dream state; you’re thinking of your concept. Sometimes you have to get rid of “God” in order to find God. Lots of mystics tell us that.

We’ve been so blinded by everything that we have not discovered the basic truth that attachments hurt rather than help relationships. I remember how frightened I was to say to an intimate friend of mine, “I don’t really need you. I can be perfectly happy without you. And by telling you this I find I can enjoy your company thoroughly–no more anxieties, no more jealousies, no more possessiveness, no more clinging. It is a delight to be with you when I am enjoying you on a non-clinging basis. You’re free; so am I.” But to many of you this is like talking a foreign language. It took me many, many months to fully understand this, and mind you, I’m a Jesuit, whose spiritual exercises are all about exactly this, although I missed the point because my culture and my society in general had taught me to view people in terms of my attachments.

I’m quite amused, sometimes, to see even seemingly objective people like therapists and spiritual directors say of someone, “He’s a great guy, great guy, I really like him.” I find out later that it’s because he likes me that I like him. I look into myself, and I find the same thing coming up now and again: If you’re attached to appreciation and praise, you’re going to view people in terms of their threat to your attachment or their fostering of your attachment. If you’re a politician and you want to be elected, how do you think you’re going to look at people, how will your interest in people be guided? You will be concerned for the person who’s going to get you the vote. If what you’re interested in is sex, how do you think you’re going to look at men and women? If you’re attached to power, that colors your view of human beings. An attachment destroys your capacity to love.

What is love? Love is sensitivity, love is consciousness. To give you an example: I’m listening to a symphony. What is a loving heart? A loving heart is sensitive to the whole of life, to all persons; a loving heart doesn’t harden itself to any person or thing. But the moment you become attached in my sense of the word, then you’re blocking out many other things. You’ve got eyes only for the drums; the heart has hardened. Moreover, it’s blinded, because it no longer sees the object of its attachment objectively. Love entails clarity of perception, objectivity; there is nothing so clear-sighted as love.

Lessons from Spider-Man

This picture is THE secret to success with women. Don’t make your woman #1. Find your mission in life. Make this #1. Don’t make intimacy your priority. Make it your purpose. She’ll guard the intimacy.

Mary Jane wants Spiderman to stay. She’s sad he’s gotta leave for “war” and be a superhero. She tells him all the time, “please don’t go.” He goes anyway. You can tell how disappointed she is.

But can you imagine if Spiderman said, “Actually you’re right. I won’t go. You’re more important than protecting humankind. You’re the most important thing in my life. Who cares if I’m needed. I’m staying here with you.” She might be glad, but she’d probably also feel let down.

You’ll hear a woman say she wants you to make her #1. The irony is she’ll love and admire you more if she’s not. If you make your woman your priority, she’ll feel like you’re dependent on her for your happiness. She’ll feel smothered. She’ll feel she doesn’t really have a man.

I don’t think she would ever admit she doesn’t want to be number one. She’ll complain she wants more of you. But what she really wants is for you to be dedicated to your purpose–and to also love her fully.

You have a gift to give to the world, everyone does. Don’t submit to your woman and kiss her ass. Discover your gift and purpose. Despite her pleas to the contrary, make giving your deepest gift to the world your priority.

I’ve gotta give credit where credit it due. I learned this insight from David Deida. And it changed my life.

We’ll inevitably get this question. “Does this make me look fat?” How do you respond? If you say no, the danger is you enter “supplicating” land. Obviously never ever tell her she looks fat. The best response is to agree… jokingly. “Yeah… I wasn’t going to say anything.” She’ll hit you on the arm. That’s a good thing. Hehe

Yes, to hold a woman that looks like this is every man’s fantasy. But there’s a great lesson here, too. See how Mary-Jane just relaxes and surrenders in Spidey’s arms? Women yearn for this. See how Spidey is like a rock? Solid, strong, still, protective. That’s the role we want to play with women. When we’re strong and able to steer the course of things, whether sexually, financially, emotionally, spiritually, it allows her to let go and relax.