We train humans how to treat us. That, of course, includes women.
Have you even been in a situation where your woman treats you like doo-doo? But you give her whatever she wants anyway? I mean, you want her to be happy after all.
Alas… the behavior just continues. It takes a toll on your pride… and even your manhood, right?
While I was learning pickup, I learned a concept that helped me stomp that out of my life. It’s called “shaping.” Here’s the concept.
If you get bad behavior from a woman, don’t “reward” her by letting that bad behavior continue. Stop it. Otherwise, she’ll think it’s okay to treat you in that second-class way.
The flip-side is true, too. If you get good behavior, however tiny, praise her for it. And I guarantee that behavior will continue.
I think this concept comes from B.F. Skinner’s experiments with both human and animal behavior. To over-simplify Skinner’s findings: when behavior is reinforced with praise, we continue it. When behavior is associated with negative reinforcement, we want to stop it.
But the genius of “shaping” goes even a step further.
Praise positive behavior even BEFORE she’s demonstrated it, and you create something like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You: “I love a woman who doesn’t flake out.”
If she cares about seeing you again, chances are she’ll try not to flake out. Nice, right?
Here’s another example:
You: “I love a woman who works out and takes care of herself. It’s super attractive.”
Again, chances are likely she’ll make an effort to work out, ’cause she knows that’s what you like in your woman.
Then, let’s say she dresses up for a date and she looks fantastic.
You: “You look amazing! I love that dress on you.”
Chances are likely she’ll want to continue looking fantastic.
Now, this doesn’t mean we expect a woman to look like Jenna Jameson at all times. Shaping is about giving her acknowledgment and gratitude OUT LOUD.
And a relationship is a two-way street. If we want our woman to take care of herself we must take care of ourselves for our woman too.
Also, this doesn’t mean we expect a woman to “change” for us rather than for herself. It means both people in a relationship encourage each other to be their “best selves” by noticing (and acknowledging) the best in each other.
Most of us are quick to criticize and look for the negative. That does the opposite of bringing the best out in ourselves. Shaping actively looks for the good in each other, celebrates it, and encourages that good to continue.
But shaping isn’t just about compliments. The “dark” part is also being able to say “no.”
That is, we’ve got to be able to draw boundaries too. That means being firm. This can feel like you’re being an ***hole, but counter-intuitively, it can earn her respect.
So, if you get bad behavior, call her on it RIGHT AWAY. For example:
Her: “Oh, it’s you. What do you want?”
You: “Hm, sounds like you’re in a bad mood… “
If you continue to get that bad behavior, let her know it’s not cool with you. And if it STILL continues, let her go. There’s absolutely NO reason to stick around and take second-class treatment.
First, you’re not there to be her savior. That’s a door she has to walk through herself.
Second, there are other tastier fish in the sea you can have a healthier relationship with.
Another example: Let’s say she acts bratty and pouty. Again, call her on it.
You: “You’re acting like a brat right now.”
Don’t reward bad behavior. Instead, draw boundaries.
Now, here’s an important point to this whole concept. You have to make that reinforcement RIGHT when the behavior occurs.
Delayed punishment won’t allow her to make an association. Stop it when she’s midair in the act. She’ll get the association loud and clear that way.
That’s why I had gotten all that bad behavior. I had let it go on and I didn’t draw boundaries when I saw the second-class behavior the first time.
Let her know what’s acceptable behavior and what’s not through praise and drawing boundaries.
This shapes how well she’ll treat us for a long way into the future.
not punishing bad behavior is rewarding it because it gives her a feeling of power and high-status. women feel more powerful when they put down men by acting mean towards them. instant punishment is necessary to quickly associate the bad behavior with a negative feeling
Fuck yeah. And the thing is, she doesn’t wanna get away with bad behavior… even though she’ll give it to us. ‘Cause then her attraction goes bye bye. She probably feels like she’s not with a man anymore.
absolutely. What you’re saying is similar to david deangelo’s famous saying “She doesn’t want to give away her power.”
Is your Ebook gonna be available in paperback?
Yes it is. But first it’s gonna be available as an ebook. I’ll have all that info available once the book is available as a paperback. Thanks for asking man!
@ Cupid_007: Exactly!
There is no such thing as a self fulfilling prophecy in a relationship just because you “like or want” or have the ideology about a certain kind of woman for this certain kind of relationship – You can say you don’t like fast food and she may tell you she never eats at McDonald’s – you may say you want a woman who works out and keeps her legs waxed And she may try to make sure you catch you inconspicuously running or jogging in the park and may max out her credit card for that Brazilian bikini wax that you keep admiring or talking about that your last girlfriend had. Without realizing that she can;t afford to keep up with the last piece of tail that you had, not to mention if you want it that bad, you should pay for the extras you want – she’s doing you both a favor by shaving her lady bits! See first of all it’s her fault for not telling you first off that she has no expectations.. at least not right now.
You two are just getting to know each other. She has no idea what to expect. No self fulfilling prophecy other than for you to pay ya own damn bills, not hit her up for cash for the first few months and not try to move in with her.. got that?
Don’t compare her to anything or anyone you have been with before. Just because she has a Vagina and is a WOMAN, it means NOTHING. She is someone else ENTIRELY than anyone else you have been with, so give her the courtesy of treating her as her own person.
You may “LIKE” the way that Jenna Jamison is built.. but don’t drone on and on about your favorite porn queen or all of the hot chicks down at the gym. The deck is stacking against you. In her mind, you have access to all of the chicks you see every day.. and also if you work with any hot women.. for the love of all that is SACRED in RELATIONSHIP land.. don’t get them to send you naked pictures off tits and ass while at work in the work bathrooms or in the parking lot. Jenna Jamison isn’t accessible.. but workplace tail is.. you are just making yourself look like a cheater, even if you never cross the line.
See how it would look to you, if she did the same.. how would you feel?
The woman who you hook up with or get into a relationship, will not choose to fool you with what you WANT in a female, and what she REALLY DEEP DOWN IS NOT.
She will not LIE TO YOU ABOUT WHO SHE IS and WHO SHE IS NOT.
There is no room in a relationship for white lies about who we really are, what we can agree about, what we are willing to conform to, what we will agree to do or compromise on.
If we aren’t already working out at a gym 5 days a week, if we aren’t already vegan or Atheist or the fact that we have Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, and Crohns Disease, these things have to be discussed.. if we don’t discuss them then chances are, the man or woman that values or has problems with life issues in a prospective partner, isn’t going to change their lifestyle for someone, just for them.
People change for themselves, rarely for others. There has to be a SELF SERVING benefit for someone to make a LIFE CHANGE. Our Self Serving Changes, effect others.. whether for good or for bad, there are consequences.
Do these changes help our relationships?
Do they help the relationships you are in now?
Clearly if you are in a relationship with a woman who pouts and behaves as a bratty child, then you are in a relationship with someone who is used to behaving immaturely and is perhaps too immature for a relationship.
Everyone has bad days.. but to answer the phone the way you suggest, Is not a good idea.. She could have had a rough day, or You could have royally FUCKED UP. Either way, ask her what’s wrong. I don’t suggest that you hang up – Clearly that shows how immature you are and how you are permitting your emotions run away with you. Since you are on the phone, all you have to “read” is the “tone” of her voice, since you aren’t with her. If you’re in a relationship, then perhaps you may be a better judge of what’s going on in her day to day life. You might know what that “oh its you” comment is about.. it could be anything from relief.. to she’s majorly pissed off.
If you hang up, it could clearly suggest that neither one of you are in the relationship for anything more than fucking or being fuck buddies, when she realizes “shit.. it’s you!” and yet again, all that you are calling for its a quick blow job or a fuck and then you are gone again. You really don’t want to be anything useful in her life unless she is doing all of the giving, because she is there to SERVE you, be beautiful, and COME on COMMAND like one of Pavlov’s dogs.
Tell me if I am getting warm?
But here’s another side..you speak about rewarding her for her good behavior.. what about yours and then again your bad behaviors?
We love compliments about our looks..but we can’t wear the same clothes all of the time. We do try to choose clothes that are flattering, so when we dress in front of you.. SOME kind of compliment wouldn’t hurt. Tell us our ass looks good, or you cant wait to get us out of our clothes. Oh and remember that waiting is half of the game. Most of us are WOMEN, not girls. Which is why you’re having the pouty, bratty, bitchy problems, that’s not to say that we can’t be a bitch when called for. We just know when it’s necessary.
You bring up some really good points.
I liked what you had to say about my little dialogue that had the woman give her man the cold shoulder. I didn’t anticipate all those possible ways of reading between the lines. I was just trying to invent a situation where a man was getting second-class treatment from his girlfriend. The only point I was trying to make was if that happens (this goes for men and women) we need to set boundaries.
But you’re right, if a guy’s girlfriend is consistently nice to him and one day she has an off-day (we all have ’em) the guy shouldn’t just hang up on her. Find out what’s going on. I agree with you 100%.
You also make a good point that shaping could be misinterpreted as telling each other “white lies” to please each other. Or to change for another rather than for yourself. So, let me clarify.
Shaping is a way to communicate each other’s boundaries. It’s a way of giving acknowledgement and gratitude, as well as saying “no” and asserting your desires. This blog is written for guys seeking ways to succeed with women, so shaping here was written from a male perspective. But it also holds true for women towards their men, too.
That brings me to something else I’d like to clarify: I don’t expect a woman to serve me, to be Jenna Jameson or to dolled up at all times, and to come on command. That wouldn’t be a relationship but a tyranny. A relationship is meant to be a two-way street, where both people serve each other. Please don’t read into things that aren’t there.
In any event, you’ve given me some insightful feedback, and different angles to think about this subject that I hadn’t thought of before. I appreciate that a lot.
Thank you this post. It has helped me tremendously to improve my relationships not just with girls but with friends and family also.
AWESOME! That’s what I like to hear. You bring up a great point here. This stuff DOES apply not just with women but with human relationships in general. Thanks for pointing this out.