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Six AWESOME Tips From “Influence” by Robert Cialdini

Robert Cialdini… professor of psychology… had a fascinating discovery.

Robert Cialdini with his fantastic book "Influence"

Robert Cialdini with his fantastic book “Influence”

We use shortcuts to make decisions. We NEED them cause we’re so bombarded with choices. Especially when it comes to buying things.

That’s the reason he wrote the book. He was SICK of getting duped by marketing. He wanted to figure out what they were doing. How they were INFLUENCING his psychology.

Well, he found marketers used six basic weapons. And these weapons made him WANT buy. As you can guess… even though the book’s about defending yourself from marketers… you can apply these same six weapons to make yourself more attractive to women. That is, if you’ve got a lot of value to offer a woman, but don’t know how to market it.

Let’s check out em out, shall we?

WEAPON #1. Reciprocation.

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Give a little, she’ll give a little. Reciprocation. By the way, why couldn’t the people in this picture take their shoes off?

A professor did this experiment: he sent Christmas cards to STRANGERS. He was amazed by the response.

Holiday cards addressed to him from STRANGERS came pouring in. CLIK, WHIRR. Automatically, when these people received something, they wanted to reciprocate. We always want to repay in kind what someone else has provides us.

>>>PICKUP TRANSLATION: Give value first. Don’t open a girl by bombarding her with questions. That takes value from her. Instead, give something of value.

What do I mean by “value”? Benefit. That is, something she can use.

For example, a personality test that lets her learn something about herself. Laughter where she feels feelings of euphoria. Demonstration of social status where if she’s associated with you, her social status will rise. Give her something she can use. That benefits her. She’ll wanna reciprocate and take and interest in you.

So, if you want to learn about a woman don’t start by asking her lots of questions. Self-disclose, but in terms of HER. She’ll feel more comfortable self-disclosing and giving back to you.

WEAPON #2. Commitment and Consistency.

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Don’t ask her to give you the whole store. She’ll say no. Ask her to give you small bits and pieces. That’ll get her in the habit of saying yes.

A psychologist staged two different thefts on a bench in NYC. In the first, a guy steals another guy’s radio. 4 out of 20 people stopped the guy who played the thief.

In the second, the guy who owned the radio asked a stranger to watch his radio while he left for 20 minutes. 19 out of 20 people stopped the guy who played the thief.

Why the difference?

The stranger in the second example made a commitment and wanted to be consistent with it. In other words, he made an investment. He complied with the researcher’s request. Once he did that, he didn’t want to appear inconsistent. So, he tried to be a man of his word. He was consistent for good reason.

The only danger with this weapon becomes when we’re AUTOMATICALLY consistent. For example, when we make a commitment to a bad investment. And our pride’s so wrapped up in it, we stick with the loser. To disastrous results.

Like a guy investing in a bum stock. That’s the commitment, or the investment. But all signs show it’s a loser. Does he cut the loser? No, he has to stay “consistent.” Not paying attention to all the red flags. And loses all his money.

When we make a choice, we want to stick by it… even if it might be wrong. There’s something deep in us that drives us… almost obsessively… to appear consistent with what we’ve already done. As Leonardo Da Vinci once said: “It’s easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.”

>>>PICKUP TRANSLATION:  Ask her to do something small for you. A small investment. A small compliance request. If you get her saying yes in the beginning, she’ll more likely keep complying.

Perfect example: qualify her. That gets her investing. The more she has to work for you, the more she’s invested in you.

Or, ask her to hold your drink for a sec. Or, ask her to drive to your house. Again, the more you have her invest and work, the more invested in you she’ll be. And she’ll want to be consistent with that.

So, get her saying yes to an “investment” right away. That is, give value to you, yes. But right after, have HER give value. Don’t do all the giving. Have her talk.

Ask for a large compliance request… like a phone number or sex… she’ll say no. She’ll most likely commit to saying “no” to you.But ask for a small compliance request… like a qualifier… she’ll more likely comply. If for no other reason than not to be rude. That’s okay. Have her saying “yes” and she’ll likely commit to saying “yes.”

WEAPON #3. Social Proof. 

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When people are uncertain, they look at what others are doing. If you’re surrounded by women… and other people… she’ll want you, too.

Here’s another crazy one. Laugh tracks.  We all know the canned laughter’s canned. Why do TV execs still use em? Cause the research says they work. The question isn’t why do the execs use it. The question is why do laugh tracks work so well on us even though we know it’s fake?

Because of a third powerful weapon of influence: social proof. That is, we determine what’s correct by finding out what other people think is correct.

There’s an old adage in sales that goes: “95% of people are imitators and 5% of people are initiators. People are persuaded more by the actions of others than by any proof we can offer.”

Laugh tracks are a short-cut to making decisions. We react automatically to partial evidence.

Other examples: baristas putting cash in a tip jar to lure customers in tipping them. Imagine seeing an empty tip jar vs. a partially full one. You’d probably more likely be attracted to tip the partially filled one. Church ushers do the same thing.

Or: night clubs will make sure to have a long line at the door even though the club’s empty inside. Why? To give the appearance this is the place to be.

Or: advertisers use words like “fastest-growing” or “largest-selling.” It’s not about the quality of the product. But how many people are buying it.

The funny thing is we CAN make less mistakes by seeing what other people are doing. The only danger is when we open ourselves to deceit and lies if we don’t look for the FULL evidence… the reality… and think for ourselves.

>>>PICKUP TRANSLATION: Enter a location with women. Instant social proof. If women surround you and look like they like you, other women will think there’s something to you.

If you don’t have women to enter a location with, be seen talking with EVERYONE at a venue. Talk to bouncers, bartenders, guys, ugly girls. A simple “How’s your night going” will suffice.

If women see others react positively to you, they’ll automatically react positively to you when you approach them. Social proof is one of the most powerful weapons you have in your pickup arsenal. Women want a guy other women want.

WEAPON #4. Liking. 

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A sincere smile, and a positive energy, makes you more likable. And attractive.

There’s a car salesman in the Guinness Book of World Records named Joe Girard. He makes $200 million a year, averaging 5 cars sold per day he works. When asked what his secret was, he said it was simple: giving em a fair price and a salesman they LIKE. When a person likes you, they’re more likely to comply with you.

But how do you get a person to like you?

According to Cialdini 5 basic things:

  • Physical attractiveness: There seems to be a “click, whirr” response to good-looking people. They seem to have an advantage in social interaction. Social scientists call it the “halo effect.” Just by being good-looking we’ll assume the person’s kind, smart, honest, talented (even if they’re not).
  • Similarity: We like people that are similar to us. Whether the similarity is opinion, personality traits, background, or lifestyle. We’re like: “he’s like me. I like him.” So, you’d be more willing to comply with him.
  • Compliments: One tactic Joe Girard employed was sending a card to his customers each month with a holiday greeting. All it would say on the front is “I like you.” Do you think that such an impersonal statement from a guy who sells cars would work? Oh yeah. We’re all suckers for flattery. Making a person feel good about themselves, and making them feel liked… they’re more likely to like you in return.
  • Familiarity: The more times you see someone, the more you like him. Because he’s become familiar. We like comfortable. Safe. Familiar. It’s like home. We like the feeling of familiarity. Of home.
  • Positive association: If you’re constantly giving bad news or talking about how awful something is, you’ll associate yourself with negative feelings. People will associate the negative with you. And because they dislike the negative stuff, they’ll dislike you. However, if you’re giving good news, bringing good feelings, people will associate the positive with you. And like you. It’s not YOU they like or dislike. It’s the feeling they feel when they’re around you they like or dislike. Weird, right?

>>>PICKUP TRANSLATION:

  • Physical attractiveness: Groom. Shower. Smell good. Clean breath. White teeth. Exercise. Eat clean. Clean, stylin’ clothes that fit. Good haircut. Erect posture. Strong eye contact. Smile. Doesn’t matter what your genes are, you can make yourself better looking. And more likable on your approach.
  • Similarity: Look for “me too” moments. If she’s into dogs, and you like dogs, that’s a “me too” moment. Say “me too!” Obviously say this only if it’s true. But find similarities. When you do, she’s more likely to “like” you. Can’t emphasis enough that it’s gotta be honest. Bullshit “me too”s come off as bull-shit, kiss-ass and try-hard. Honest “me too”s only.
  • Compliments: Open with this: “You guys looked kinda cool, so I thought I’d come over and see what you were like.” Compliments attract. From there call out anything positive you see about her. Again, can’t emphasize enough how much bullshitting doesn’t work. Everyone can smell it a mile away. Compliment, but honestly. One great way to do this? Use specifics and insights. The more details you use (ex: “I like the way the blue matches your eyes”), the more honest it is.
  • Familiarity: After you approach, leave within a minute or so: “Great meeting you.” When you run into her again, you’re now a familiar face. The more familiar your face becomes to her, the more likable you’ll be.
  • Positive Association: Always have a positive attitude. No complaining. No talking bad about people (including your ex-girlfriend). Smile. Talk about things that light you up. Be enthusiastic and passionate about whatever you’re talking about. She’ll associate those positive feelings with you, and will want to be around them… and you… more.

WEAPON #5. Authority. 

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Act like a man of high status. She’s more likely to give you her attention and trust.

There was a TV commercial selling caffeine-free coffee named “Sanka.” Highly successful. Why? Because actor Robert Young counseled Americans on the dangers of caffeine. He recommended decaffeinated coffee. Why would people listen to a mere actor?

Because he used to play a doctor on TV. In the minds of the America public he was Marcus Welby, M.D. And he sold Sanka like crazy.

Here’s another one. A physician once administered ear drops for a patient’s infected right ear. Instead of writing “right ear” on the prescription he wrote “place in R ear.” The highly-trained duty nurse put the number of ear drops into the patient’s anus. Neither patient nor nurse questioned it. The doctor had spoken.

Last one. In 1987, a guy named S. Brian Wilson and friends laid across railroad tracks. They were protesting the U.S. shipping military weapons to Nicaragua. They were confident this would stop the train.

But the Navy had found out about these guys and ordered the crew not to stop. So, they didn’t. 2 of the protesters got away. Brian Wilson didn’t. He had both legs cut below the knee.

However insane the orders, the crew obeyed.

There’s a deep-seated sense of duty to authority within us all. We comply to the wishes of authority even when it makes no sense to do so. We obey in a click, whirr fashion. Authority gives us a shortcut for how to act. Why do we obey authority even when it makes no sense to do so?

First of all, we’ve been trained from BIRTH to obey authority. Parents, school, government, church, jobs train us to submit to authority. When we obey, we’re rewarded. When we disobey, we’re punished. So, it’s in our best interest to obey authority.

Second of all, authority figures often have access to information and power we don’t always have. We CAN learn from them. We CAN learn from teachers wiser than us. And in fact, we’ve often found obeying them DOES lead to appropriate action. So, we form habits to automatically, blindly obey authority.

Third of all, it’s practical to have an authority figure. Authority figures have an advantage for society. They prevent anarchy and chaos. They give us social order. Can you imagine an airplane flying without a pilot? So, there’s a real value to having an authority figure.

Problem is when obeying authority becomes too much of a convenience. Too much of a shortcut in making decisions. We automatically obey. It’s nice, comfortable. We don’t have to think, so we don’t. Thinking takes work. Reacting, being led… much easier.

It’s the mindless obedience that’s paradoxical and dangerous. Authority figures make mistakes. Authority figures sometimes aren’t even really authority figures. Yes, there are advantages to listening to an authority figure. But without thinking, we open ourselves to harm. Whether harming ourselves or others.

Cialdini saw three ways we people automatically assume someone’s got status and authority… without thinking about it, and even if they’re not authority figures. They are: titles, trappings, and clothes.

  • Titles: Titles like doctor, lawyer, professor. They’re the hardest symbols to get. But the easiest ones to fake. Actors can adopt the mere label and get automatic respect.
  • Clothes: Certain clothing automatically trigger authority. Expensive clothes carries an aura of status as do uniforms. Look at the uniforms of police, priests, doctors and then the well-tailored suits of successful businessmen. Like titles, these can also be faked, yet trigger automatic deference. Check out this experiment. A guy had asked passersby on a street to pickup some trash. Dressed in street clothes, half the people complied. When he wore a security guard uniform, EVERY person complied.
  • Trappings: Status symbols like jewelry and cars can give you an aura of authority and status, too. In another experiment, scientists discovered people would wait much longer to honk at a new, luxury car than at an old, economy car. The mere exterior appearance triggered automatic respect.

>>>PICKUP TRANSLATION: High status attracts women in a click, whirr fashion. Much like a great ass attracts us. Here are some ideas how we can translate this into pickup. This list isn’t exhaustive.

  • Titles: If you don’t have a “status” job, answer “What do you do?” questions in a way that showcases your passion or how you help others.  And in your life, actually make that happen. Shifting from the “consumer” mind-frame to the “person who meets needs” mind-frame, you naturally increase your status. Also, when you tell stories from your past, make sure you showcase your positive traits rather than negative traits. The five attraction switches are useful here. (For more on that check out my article on DHV here.)
  • Clothes: Do NOT dress like everyone else. Dress to stand-out. Like you own the place. Like you’re high-status. Dress for success.
  • Trappings: I don’t recommend having trappings just to attract women. The “douche bags” are the ones who brag about their new car, their yacht, their bankroll. If you’d like to get a new car, go for it. But don’t brag about it. Then when she gets in, yeah, she probably will be impressed. Whatever. Even better than trappings, adopt high-status body language. For example: Erect posture. Lean back, don’t lean in. Willing to walk away. Strong eye contact. Smile. Lift others up.

WEAPON #6. Scarcity. 

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Don’t give her the store, either. Add a little veil, she’ll want to see what’s behind it.

This one’s crazy. Dade County in Florida (containing Miami) had passed an ordinance against having any phosphate cleaning products. Suddenly there was this craze for phosphate cleaning products.  Miamians turned to smuggling… what seems to be a Miami tradition. There were “soap caravans.” There was hoarding. Some families had twenty-year supplies of phosphate cleaners.

Not only that… because we want what we can no longer have… Miamians came to see phosphate cleaners as gentler, more effective in cold water, better fresheners, tougher on stains. It’s as if to make sense of their desire for something, they assigned positive attributes to it to justify the desire. (p. 251)

Compare this to the residents of Tampa, where phosphate cleaners were allowed. There was no hoarding, no smuggling, no obsessive craze. They saw phosphate detergents for what they were. That they clean, whiten, and pour no better after they’re banned than before.

Here’s another one. Child psychologists had done an experiment on two-year-old boys. They put two attractive toys in two different rooms. In one room one of the toys was behind a short plexiglass. A boy could get the toy easily. In the other it was behind a tall plexiglass.  A boy couldn’t get the toy at all.

Well, you can probably guess the results. In the room with the short plexiglass, the boys showed no preference for one toy over the other. But in the room when the barrier was large enough to be an obstacle, the boys went directly for the obstructed toy. They went to the blocked toy three times faster than the unblocked toy.

The Romeo and Juliet story is a third example. Why did they want each other so much that they both committed suicide? Was it their love was so perfect? Or was their passion due to the barriers their families erected against them? My guess is the BARRIERS fueled their heat. Without those, it probably would’ve been your standard teenage puppy love. Yes, I know it’s fiction.

But the point remains. If there’s the possibility we can lose something or we can’t have it, we want it more. When we get it, the want… and romantic feelings… cool. Barriers, and fear of loss, make us want things more.

Marketers and sales people use this technique on us all the time:

  • “There’s only five left! Get yours before supplies run out!”
  • “If you don’t buy in the next three days, it’ll be gone forever!”
  • “You can make great profits, but you’ve lost the opportunity to invest. Wait hold on! There’s one last chance to invest. Do it now before you lose this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity… forever!”

Most of the time the scarcity weapon they use on us is bullshit. They say it to manipulate us into buying without thinking. They rush us, we don’t think, and we often end up with buyer’s remorse. But there’s something psychological happening here that makes us fall for this. What is it?

When something is gone, or it’s about to go, it creates a want in us. Suddenly it has value. It’s attractive. We’re more motivated by what we can lose than by what we can gain.

For example, health researchers found they got young women to check for breast cancer MORE when they said:  “You can lose these health benefits if you don’t a self-exam.” Than when they said: “You can gain these health benefits if you do a self-exam.” (p. 239)

Loss motivates us more than gain. Weird, right? And scarcity’s all about the potential of loss.

There’s another reason scarcity works so well on us. It’s a shortcut to thinking. But instead of “click, whir” it’s “click blur” (p. 243). Scarcity allows us to make a decision about the quality of something without taking the time to examine it. How? Cialdini cites two very interesting theories.

First, scarcity CAN BE a legitimate short-cut to thinking. Things that are hard to get and are rare and are about to become extinct are typically better than those that are easy to get (p. 244). So, the availability of something helps us decide on the quality of something. It can help us to make the right decision.

The second reason is a little more subtle, but still super fascinating. Psychologist Jack Brehm developed a theory called “reactance theory” to explain why scarcity works so well on us. According to the theory, we DESPISE losing freedoms we already have. When free choice is limited or it’s threatened, we react. We fight against the restriction of freedom to keep that freedom.

A great example is one that happened to Cialdini.

He had this beautiful Mormon temple down the street from him. He had heard how beautiful it was inside, but he never had any interest in visiting. He had freedom of access. He knew he had that freedom, so he almost took it for granted.

Then one day he read in the newspaper that renovations had been done to it. Usually Mormons never allow the public to see it, but now for three days they were giving access to the public. Then access would be shut down forever.

Suddenly Cialdini was calling up friends to see if they’d go with him to visit.

His friends were like “Why are you so interested in going?” He didn’t have a good answer until he realized the article had used the scarcity weapon and made him want to go. Why?

According to the “reactance” theory, he was fighting against losing that freedom to see the Temple anytime he wanted. In other words, he was reacting against the interference. That “fighting” stance put a fire in his ass to want to see something he had no interest in seeing before.

Hilarious, right?

So, there’s a legitimate reason why scarcity works. The problem comes when it’s used as bullshit. When it’s used to manipulate us for something we really don’t need.  When we get swindled out of our life’s savings… which has happened to people. The inoculation: Thinking before acting… and being aware of the weapon.

>>>PICKUP TRANSLATION: I’m advocating this weapon only to make yourself more attractive to women. It works. But don’t use it just to take from a woman, and leave her with buyer’s remorse. Always leave women better off than you found them.

With that said, if you are to use this weapon ETHICALLY, how do you use it? Be a little bit hard to get. A challenge. Here’s some ideas how:

1. Time constraint: When you approach, let the group know you’re not going to be there long. That you’re on your way out. “I’ve just got a sec…” Your body language can also be a time constraint, too. If your feet are pointing towards the way out… It’s strange and magical, but by being about to leave, it makes people want you to stick around more.

2. Actually leave: In fact, when you approach, you can even actually leave after a minute or two. “Well, it was a pleasure meeting you” and leave. You need nothing from them, just being friendly. Leaving makes you more scarce, more valuable, more attractive. So, give em a taste of something great, but don’t give em everything. That “taste” puts a want in people for more of you.

3. Banter or neg: THE greatest weapon for creating instant attraction. You push her away. You play-fight. There’s conflict, challenge. And scarcity. I wrote a whole article about this called “Flirting.”

4. Make your purpose #1, not women: If you make a woman “the sun” you become like a planet revolving around her. When you make a higher purpose #1, you become the sun. Naturally you become scarce, not always available, and more valuable. Have your own life. Make helping others your priority, not “impressing” women. It’s one of THE most attractive things you can do.

So, those are the six weapons of influence marketers use to get us to buy stuff. Again, we can use them to make ourselves more attractive to women, and stand out from the blur of men that hit on her. Becoming more attractive to women is really just marketing yourself better. For example:

  1. Use RECIPROCATION by giving value first (rather than taking value first, i.e. asking a bunch of questions at the start, giving value, i.e. a personality test or laughter).
  2. Use COMMITMENT AND CONSISTENCY by qualifying, and having her invest in the interaction.
  3. Use SOCIAL PROOF by being friendly to everyone, being seen with women, and seeing that there’s an abundance of women out there (which is the case) rather than a scarcity.
  4. Use LIKING by having a positive outlook, having a clean appearance, finding commonalities, looking for the best in people, and appreciating them.
  5. Use AUTHORITY by acting like a high-status male. That is, being someone who gives value to the world rather than someone who leeches it from others.
  6. Use SCARCITY by bantering, being hard to get, and making your life’s purpose and passion… again, usually involves helping others… more important than getting women.

When it comes down to it, the six weapons applied to women are about being a man of value. But saying that is so vague it doesn’t help you in the real world. That’s why it’s great to keep the six weapons in mind. They’re six ways you can show women outwardly the value you have inside you.

And man do they whet a woman’s appetite.

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Yeah, thanks to the six weapons of Influence

Six AWESOME tips, right?

 
8 Comments

Posted by on August 19, 2013 in Home, The Game

 

Tags: , , , ,

Qualification

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Let her bend over backwards. Then appreciate her.

Qualification is so important it’s not even funny.

Tell me if you’ve ever been in this situation. You’ve got a girl giggling, she’s facing you, and she’s touching your arm. She’s attracted to you. And you’re panicked.

WHAT DO I DO NOW?

I’ll tell you what I’ve done in the past.

EITHER…

Self-conscious. “Holy shit, she’s actually attracted to me? But I’m not really that attractive. What if I screw things up?” All of a sudden I’d feel my body getting all stilted and unnatural, and guess what? She’d lose interest in me. And I’d kick myself in the ass for being such a loser.

OR…

PSYCHED! “She likes me? Nice! Might as well show my interest in her, too.” And I’d say something like “I like you a lot, too. Let’s get together.” She’d STILL lose interest in me. And I’d be scratching my head. What did I do wrong this time?

Well, I’ll tell you what went wrong. I stopped being any sort of a challenge. When in doubt, if you’ve ever got a girl’s interest… or you’ve been doing good and don’t know what to do next, here’s what to do:

QUALIFY HER!

Once again, it was Mystery that I learned this all-important piece of wisdom from.

Here’s the reason.

Women get attracted differently than we do. They’re attracted more to PERSONALITY. We’re attracted more to looks. As long as a woman is hot enough, she might do something silly, whatever, we’d still want to sleep with her.

Not so with women.

If you make some social goof-up, let’s say you wear white socks with black shoes, often she’ll lose attraction for you. She’ll be like “what’s wrong with him?” Or, “what’s that say about him?” Or, “God, he must have really low social status.” Looks aren’t #1 for them like they are for us.

So, let’s say you’ve attracted her by being a bit of a challenge. For God’s sakes, don’t stop! Keep being a bit of a challenge. How?

Qualification.

The reason goes even deeper than that.

Attraction is a two way street. You’ve worked to attract her. Well, your job is only half done. Now, she’s got to work to attract YOU.

Let her do some of the work.

Let her do some of the work.

Showing your interest in her because she’s showing interest in you is NOT a legitimate reason for you to be interested in her, according to her.

Why?

Because it took absolutely ZERO effort on her part to get you. She’ll be like, “Well, that was easy. NEXT!” She wants to actually DO something personality-wise to EARN your attraction to her.

Well, qualification is the way.

It’s actually beautiful when you think about it. The second and third stages of the attract phase are very much brother and sister to each other. They’re mirror images.

First, I’ve got to get the woman attracted to me. Second, I’ve got to reveal I’m becoming more and more attracted to her for LEGITIMATE reasons.

Let me say that another way.

Mystery calls A2, when I get the woman attracted to me, “female to male attract.” The objective is to systematically trigger her 5 attraction switches by DHVing to her group of friends and negging, ie pushing away the target and pulling her in at the same time. The group is like “This guy is cool, funny, interesting.” And the girl is like “have my hot looks lost their super powers?”

Again, you’re a fun, interesting guy with cool topics of conversation. You’re full of good feelings, and… “wait a second,” your target says, “he’s giving me a little shit instead of being up my asshole? This is different.” Play A2 right, and she’ll show indicators of interest to you like asking your name, giggling, and all that great stuff.

It’s SUPER exciting when that happens. Belieeeeeeve me, I know. But my point is, stay cool.

All that good stuff begins A3. A3 is when the woman tries to get me attracted to her. Mystery calls it “male to female attract.” The objective is for you to encourage her… ENTICE her… to bring out the best in her, in such a way that when she DHVs to you, you can then reward her with indicators of interest of your own.

A2 and A3 are exact, perfect opposites. Attraction is a two way street. You DHV first. When she shows her attraction, get her to DHV to you. That way there’s mutual attraction based on SUBSTANCE. She’s earned your interest. It’s not because she’s interested in you.

After all, if you’re interested in her just because she’s interested in you, you leave yourself open to getting manipulated. She might think, “Oh, I see how this all works. If I act all interested in him, I’ve got him wrapped around my finger. I wonder how much I can get away with now.” Nooooooooo!

Even if she shows interest, still be a challenge. QUALIFY HER!

Getting sex from this unbelievably, incredibly hot woman must NOT be #1. You’ve got standards. Who is she as a person? She’s gotta earn your interest based on whether she’s got good substance or not. She’s gotta pass YOUR tests.

That way she’s not just being handed a fish (i.e. your interest in her) for free, but she’s WORKED to reel it in. She’s earned your interest. She’ll value it more that way. People simply don’t value free shit.

There’s an even deeper reason to qualify. And I learned this from a fantastic book called “Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants,” by Elliott Katz. Highly recommended.

Katz observed that we human beings tend to love the people we give to, more than love the people we receive from.

It’s counter-intuitive.

The more you give, for example the more you DHV, DHV, DHV, the more your interest in your target grows. But not necessarily does her interest grow for you. You get more and more invested. But not necessarily does she get more invested.

Well, it’s the exact same thing the other way around. If she can DHV, DHV, DHV to you, the more her interest in you grows. And the more she gets invested.

Sit back and let her DHV for you

Sit back and let her DHV for you. And of course, appreciate her afterwards.

The giving has gotta be mutual.

You can see this with parents. They give and give to their children. But if the children don’t give back, they’ll often resent their parents, take them for granted, or get really spoiled.

And how many times have you seen guys give and give to their woman, pay for all the things she wanted… and wonder why she’s still unhappy?

We guys want to be givers and providers. Believe me, I understand. I’m the same way.

But we’ve got to learn how to let her give to us, too. Not so that we can become takers. But to let her feelings of love grow for us.

And the really gorgeous thing is when she does something for me, I can then show appreciation to her. It ain’t gonna be bullshit appreciation. That’s for sure. Cause she’s actually done something. It’s gonna be SINCERE appreciation.

It’s such an important point, and one I’ve got to remember myself.

Recently, I left my girl a rose and a card while she was sleeping. She’s incredible, and I wanted her to know how much I appreciated her. She woke up the next morning and wrote me this lovely note in return. I was taken aback at first. It reminded me how important it is not just to give, but to receive, too.

So, qualification extends into relationships, too.

It’s okay to ask her to do stuff for you. It’s okay if she buys you a drink. It’s okay if she drives to your place. It’s okay to have her help you with your passion and life’s deepest purpose in some way. It’s okay to tell her to suck your dick.

As long as you give too, there’s nothing wrong with telling her what to do so she can give to you. In fact, make sure to do this. Her doing shit for you increases her attraction for you.

It’s weird how that works, right?

Once again, it’s NOT the more I give to a person, the more they’ll love me. It’s the other way around. We develop feelings of love to the one we’re giving to.

So, even if a girl doesn’t like a guy, just by doing things for him, good feelings towards him will grow. “I must really like this guy,” she might say. She’s investing, she’s gotta backwards rationalize it someway.

A2 is all about you giving. A3 is about receiving. Or, letting her give to you. Once she does, THEN you can state your interest and show appreciation. And now, it’s safe to hit on her.

Qualification is really the art of the compliment.

Moral of all this? Next time she shows interest in you, QUALIFY HER! Like her for LEGITIMATE reasons.

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She works. She comes to you. Now you can show interest. Magically, her interest in you will grow, too.

Here’s some qualifiers you can use.

  • “Name me three qualities that would make me want to get to know you more than just a hole in the wall.”
  • “What have you got going for you besides your looks?”
  • “Look around you, beauty is common. But what’s more important is a positive outlook, a desire to always grow as a person, and integrity. What are some things about you that would make me want to get to know you better?”
  • “If you could do anything in the world with no chance of failure, what would you want to be? And don’t say princess.”
  • “Are you adventurous?”
  • “Are you a passionate person?”
  • “Can you cook?”
  • “Who are you?”

Once she says something of interest you can be like, “No WAY! That’s awesome.”

Make her feel like you like her for legitimate reasons.

Here’s some simple ones.

  • “What’s your favorite incense?… Oh I love Jasmine!”
  • “What’s your favorite food?”
  • “What’s your favorite place to visit? Or, if you you could wake up anywhere in the world, where would it be?”
  • “What DVD would you pop in to have as comfort food for when you’re feeling down?”
  • “If I were to turn on your iPod, what song would I find playing right now? You listen to Tool? I love Tool. Get your ass over here. *Hug* Now get off me. *Release*”

And notice these questions aren’t philosophical or intellectual. The simple ones are tangible, not abstract. But all of em are EMOTIONAL. Keep it emotional. Get her FEELING what you’re feeling. Enthusiasm. Excitement. Interest.

After you qualify, and she’s said something of interest… NOW you can show your interest.

  • “Are you single?”
  • “Wow, you’re pretty cool. We should continue this.”
  • “Oh, I like this one!”
  • “Oh my God, you’re a dancer? That is so awesome. I can’t even talk to you right now.”
  • “You know what? You seem pretty cool. I’m curious about you.”
  • “We have to hang out again sometime!”
  • “That’s it, we’re getting married. We’ll fly to Vegas tomorrow. I’ll dress you up as Catwoman, and I’ll be Batman. It’ll be awesome.”
  • “You have a great energy and such an expressive personality. I admire that.”

Notice these statements have NOTHING to do with her looks. They’re about her personality. Compliment her looks when you get to the bedroom. Before then, focus on her qualities as a human being.

Anyway, all those statements above are called an “SOI” or Statement of Interest. It closes A3 and the attract phase. And it automatically moves you into comfort.

I just want to add one point to all this.

Mystery normally recommends waiting to receive three IOIs (indicators of interest) before qualifying.

If I know I’ve negged or bantered with my target, and I’ve DHVed to the group and their response is positive, I take those as IOIs enough. I cut to qualification right away. I DON’T wait. Otherwise I’ve gotten stuck in DHV land. Not a good place to be.

Whenever I qualify, I always feel this lovely shift in the conversation. It gets deeper. A connection is happening. Qualification is the perfect bridge to creating an emotional connection with her.

Okay, here’s what you can do right now.

1. Pick ONE qualifier you like a lot. Only one. You don’t want a lot swimming in your head. That gets confusing and it paralyzes you. Just pick ONE. Either from the ones I listed here, or from “My Routines Collection.”

2. Memorize it and practice it in the mirror. Now you’ve got it in your back pocket ready to go.

3. Create a stack or script. This stack should include: an opener, a neg/banter line, a DHV, your qualifier, and a statement of interest like “Are you single?”

4. Practice your stack on 10 sets in one night. You don’t have to wait to get interest from a girl to qualify her. You can do it right after you neg/banter and DHV.

5. Once that qualifier feels like it’s in your bones, you can learn a new qualifier. And repeat the process.

Now, you know. Next time you get any interest from a girl… or you don’t know what to do next… QUALIFY HER!

Your success rate will skyrocket. Guaranteed.

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Remember, game’s not over when you get a look like this from her. Keep up the challenge: QUALIFY HER. Then appreciate her afterwards. She’ll want to get to know you better, too.

 
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Posted by on January 8, 2013 in A3 Qualify, Home

 

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Mystery’s Neg Theory

“There is no conversation more boring than the one where everybody agrees.” – Michel de Montaigne, French philosopher and inventor of the essay 1533 – 1592 , From: “On The Art of Conversation”

“Challenge, and not desire, lies at the heart of seduction.” – Jean Baudrillard, French postmodern philosopher 1929 – 2007, From: “Seduction”

“We pursue that which retreats from us.” – Tao of Steve

Wanna know how to attract the hottest women RIGHT AWAY?

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WOW! The way to attract them? Negs make you stand out from the blur of guys hitting on her. Photo credit: fraspi.tumblr.com

Negs are THE tool.

Unfortunately, it’s one of Mystery’s most misunderstood concepts… especially by women. They think it’s about being mean to women.

NOT AT ALL.

Women can sometimes act like a bitch to us when we approach them. They’ll act like we’re beneath them. It doesn’t mean she’s actually a bitch. Chances are she’s sick of all the guys approaching her… and the WAY guys approach her.

BADLY.

So, she’s developed a mechanism to swat them away. A shortcut, so she doesn’t even have to think about it.

Hey, and you’re right. Sometimes it makes her feel superior, too.

Whatever the reason, unfortunately for us, often she assumes the worst about us before she’s even gotten a chance to know us.

Listen to me, and listen to me good. DON’T TAKE HER SHIT. But do this in a gentlemanly way.

Negs are that way.

Look, for us guys who just want to get to know her, the question is: How do I get through this knee-jerk response girls have, so I can talk with her?

The solution isn’t to insult her: “God! You’re such a goddam bitch!” That’s not going to get us anywhere.

The solution isn’t to bump and grind her on the dance floor hoping that will somehow make her wanna have sex with us.

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You laugh, but you’d be surprised how many guys bump and grind girls. Not once have I seen this work to attract women.

The solution isn’t to stand there staring at her and creeping her out.

And the solution isn’t to kiss her ass: “Oh my God, you’re so beautiful. Can I buy you a drink?” How many times has she heard that one?

Girls often don’t even bring money with them when they go out. ‘Cause they expect guys to buy them drinks. Then they ditch ’em. Why would these guys think such a FANTASTICAL cliche as buying her a drink would spark any interest from her?

Anyway.

Mystery’s solution was simple and brilliant. The neg.

Turn the tables on her. Play her own game on herself. It’s like a double bind.

It’s like when Jesus said “Those of you without sin cast the first stone.” He didn’t condemn them for wanting to stone the woman who committed adultery. He simply used their concept of stoning for sinning on them. The result?

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Jesus uses the stoners’ “game” on themselves. Negs do a similar thing.

They put away their stones.

Similarly, using her own “bitch shield” on herself cancels it out. How can she use it on us when we’re already using it on her… in a playful way? It ceases to function.

And it’s so DIFFERENT that it distinguishes you from the swarm of guys who use those other lame tactics.

Best of all, it allows her to finally see us as a human being, so we can talk.

That’s it. That’s all a neg is.

If a woman is hurt by a neg or if she’s not smiling and laughing, then a guy isn’t negging correctly. He’s probably being straight out mean. A neg should make a woman laugh, smile, or at least feel ENGAGED.

Here’s another way of looking at negs. They’re just good old fashioned flirting.

Two lion cubs play fighting.

Two lion cubs play fighting. That’s all negging is.

Flirting is play fighting. Stuff’s been around forever. Mystery just gave it a name.

Emphasis on PLAY. Neg is PRETEND “fighting.”

Fighting, because like Montaigne said, if everyone is agreeable, it’s boring.

Negative, because a little playful negative reinforcement and a little SPANK yanks snobbery off its high horse.

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If you get bad behavior, a playful spank says no. Don’t accept third class behavior. You’re entitled to being treated well.

Conflict, because a little playful challenge shows you don’t stand for bad behavior just because she has a pretty exterior and has on lots of fake makeup.

This is an important point. Negs take a woman off her pedestal so you can interact with her from a place of mutual respect.

Here’s one last way of looking at negs.

Think about a cat. You approach a cat to pet her, and she snuffs you. But you snuff her and all of a sudden she wants your attention. That’s what a neg is. Let her come to you. It’s not to be mean. It’s ultimately to pet the cat.

Or think about fishing. The struggle of reeling in a fish is way more fun than just being handed a fish. Negs are that extra element of a fun struggle.

We pursue that which retreats from us after all. Negs present you as a dominate MAN. A fun challenge.

Result?

Negs create mucho sexual tension INSTANTLY.

You know what? Let me just let Mystery explain it in his own words.

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Mystery. Photo Credit: Center spread of “Saturday Night” Magazine, July 2004

After listening to him, you’ll understand exactly HOW to do it.

I just want to say one more thing about negs before I have Mystery come in.

He invented the concept from PRACTICE and RESULTS. NOT from a journey into Speculation Fantasy-Land. You can argue the moralism about them till you’re blue in the face. The fact is, done with a good heart, they WORK. They work to disable her “bitchiness” so she feels INTEREST enough to talk to us human being to human being.

So, without delaying any further, here’s Mystery. Oh, and for those unfamiliar with PUA (“pickup artist”) lingo, he uses an acronym HB. It means “Hot Babe”:

February 18th, 2005, posted in FastSeduction.com

“Neg Theory” by Mystery

An HB is there, surrounded by her friends. She has put on this BITCH act. Is she REALLY a bitch? Unlikely. All my girlfriends were wonderful human beings. Beautiful people have it easier because they are beautiful and often times have better upbringings because of it.

BUT – she needs to have a standard when all these NOBODY guys approach her. So her values are very honed and understood. When a man walks up and says, “Can I buy you a beer” this WILL annoy her. While the guy thinks he’s doing something nice for her, she gets this ALL the time. She is desensitized to this. You are the 8th guy TODAY!

So she is very good at brushing all these guys off. She HAS to be… she isn’t going to sleep with ALL of them! So she may say NO, or act annoyed, and then the guy thinks she’s a bitch and he walks off pissed and feeling like a failure. And that seems to work. Sometimes when the girl is particularly in a feeling of control (like in a club where she is PREPARED for the barrage of men – it IS after all something that occurs so often that when it is GONE she MISSES it) she will accept the beer and then flake the guy off. Hey, the guys are stupid enough to buy her one; she might as well take it.

When she accepts a beer from you, the girl is saying to you, “I don’t know you and I don’t care about you. You are just another one of those typical guys and since I don’t respect you, I’ll take the beer from you before I snub you.” Since an HB is so GOOD at snuffing your approach, SNUFFING THEM is important. You CANNOT INSULT them, because they are used to all the hurt guys INSULTING them (“ahh you are nothing but a bitch!”) so this rolls off their back like water off a muskrat’s ass.

How do you SNUFF them WITHOUT INSULTING them? Well, let’s say she has long nails which are most likely fake. Now why do 10s dress so FINE if they don’t want the attention? Sometimes they LOVE the feeling of control. They are in a club with friends and they want to be the leader of the circle (social hierarchy in primates) and so she gets all the attention. The guys come and buy drinks for them and she gets off on knocking the guys down. It’s all in a days play. Ok, so she is wearing fake nails to look even BETTER! Most guys will say, “Wow you are so beautiful!” BORING, typical and in her mind by now, TRUE.

Imagine now, a guy comes along and says “Nice nails. Are they real?” She will have to concede, “No, acrylic.” And he says (like he didn’t notice it was a put down), “Oh. (Pause) well I guess they still LOOK good.” Then he turns his back to her.

What does this do to her? Well, he didn’t treat her like shit and INSULT her. He complimented her, but the result was to target her insecurity. She thinks, “I’M HOT I’M BEAUTIFUL” – (especially in her current emotional state of control) – “but I didn’t win this guy over. I’M SO GOOD at this. I’ll just fix that little smear on my image that he has of me.”

Then you continue to show disinterest in her looks as you give her a neutral topic like the Elvis script. During this time, her intention is to get you to become like all the other guys so she can feel in control and snuff you.

Then you give her another NEG HIT like this: “Is that a hair piece? Well, its neat… what do you call this hairstyle? The waffle? :)” Smile and look at her to show her you are sincerely being funny and not insulting. You are pleasant but disinterested in her beauty.

This will intrigue her because she KNOWS guys. And this isn’t normal. You must have really high taste, or be used to girls, or be married or something. These questions make her CURIOUS. So this keeps happening and is known as FLIRTING. She gives you little Negs and these tests are qualifiers. You pass them by Negging her back. After all, you aren’t like the others showing interest. But…why?

To get control again, she says, “Will you buy me a drink?” Notice how she is trying to get you now! BUT, she only wants to sucker you in enough so she can SNUFF you. That is all she is about – this strategy is all she knows and it’s not working for you so she is trying to do damage control on the situation. But at the same time she doesn’t quite understand WHY you don’t think she’s “all that.” After all, her nails ARE fake.

You say, “Ahhh, that’s so funny … your nose wiggles when you speak……” – (pointing and being cute) – “look there it goes again … its so… quaint … hheeeee look.” She’ll say, “Ahhh, stoppp!” 🙂 *blush*. Now she is self-conscious and having her in this state is where you want her. You have, with 3 negs, successfully created INTEREST (curiosity) and removed her from her pedestal (removed her bitch shield.) You were humorous, you had a smile, you dress well, you are confident and everything she would want in a man.

You didn’t take her shit. OH…and when she asked you for a beer, you said, “No. I don’t buy girls drinks. But you can buy ME one.” You are qualifying HER now. If she buys you a beer, this is symbolic of her RESPECT for you.

If not, you say, “Pleasure meeting you” [NOT arcastically] and turn your back to her again. DON’T walk away, just turn your back. You are negging her again just when she thought she was negging YOU. That is teasing each other. That is the first step to flirting. This is all textbook psychology.

A NEG is a qualifier. The girl is FAILING to meet your high expectations.

It’s not an insult, just a judgment call on your part. The better looking the girl, the more aggressive you must be with using negs. A 10 can get 3 negs up front, while an 8 gets only 1 or 2 over a longer time. You CAN go overboard if they think you are BETTER than them. You can drop the self-esteem right from under them (just like most 10s do to guys) and this isn’t good. You have to get as close to the breaking point as you can without crossing the line. Once you have gotten her RIGHT THERE, you can start appreciating things about her (NEVER LOOKS.) There is a mutual RESPECT now. Something most guys never get from the girl.

This is how you remove a bitch shield. 3 negs ought to do it within 2 or 3 minutes of neutral chat. Once it is down, you can, from a place of mutual respect, seduce her.

Mystery

Just to put to rest all the objections women tend to have against negs, and how guys can sometimes misuse them, I wanna take a female objection and respond to it.

The objection comes from Victoria Zdork, also known as Dr. Z.

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Victoria Zdork, or “Dr. Z.” Model, non-practicing attorney, author, sex therapist. She misunderstands negs.

She was Miss October in 1994 for Playboy. And Penthouse Pet of the Year in 2004. She also earned a JD and a PhD in clinical psychology. But ultimately became a sex therapist and published author.

She wrote a book called “Dr. Z on Scoring.” Check out the picture below of her in a tub of her books.

Dr. Z in a tub of her books.

Dr. Z in a tub of her books. Nice.

I actually learned a ton from reading it. She gave a great female perspective on what it’s like to be a hot woman. For example, how insecure hot women are because they’re afraid they won’t be beautiful someday. But in one place she condemns Mystery’s negs.

This is what she says (p. 217-218, “Dr. Z on Scoring”):

Negs are grounded in the faulty belief that gorgeous women are overly confident and do not respond to compliments, thus the way to get her attention is to pretend that you’re not that interested and that you are qualifying her by making a subtle insult disguised as a compliment. He claims that when he uses these kinds of statements on gorgeous women they respond by working harder to gain his attraction. Let me tell you–this is total bullcrap! For me, these kind of petty, immature statements would suggest that a guy is a total weirdo or some strange fetishist. In fact, it would be an instantaneous turnoff! And all the centerfolds I have interviewed have wholeheartedly agree.

I’ll respond to her points one at a time.

> “He believes gorgeous women are overly confident”:

Mystery doesn’t claim gorgeous women are overly confident. He just claims women can put up a “Bitch Act,” especially in a club setting. He doesn’t judge them for this. In fact, he attempts to empathize with them. He claims her “act” is just a shield to protect herself from the barrage of men. I’d add a point. Could one argue that a lot of insecure people sometimes put up such “superiority” masks to protect themselves in general? But the issue isn’t over confidence. It’s the bitch act.

> “He believes women do not respond to compliments”:

Nowhere does Mystery claim this. Again, negs are simply a tool to deactivate the “bitch shield.” It’s done within the first 2-3 minutes. If a women comes across as particularly “superior” more negs are required. If a woman has low confidence, then it’s not appropriate to use negs at all. Negs are to be used in response to the “snobbish superiority” act. It’s a way to shut it down. That’s all. Once the shield is down and there’s mutual respect, the next step–qualification–is all about the art of giving a compliment.

> “Negs are a subtle insult disguised as a compliment”:

Negs are NOT insults. It is a qualification. Meaning, it’s to see past a woman’s pretty exterior and ask “is there more to you than meets the eye?” It’s a way of taking her off the pedestal and interacting with her as a human PERSON. And often it’s a neutral observation about something factual in her appearance (not a value judgement) like nails, hair, shoes. They are used on the 9s and 10s that are used to being spoiled and worshipped. These women are used to being told they’re beautiful or a bitch or being offered a drink, and a neg throws a wrench in the whole system. And can be a welcome breath of fresh air for her.

> “He claims negs make her work hard to gain his attraction”:

Negs are meant to break the bitch shield. And it’s true, it does create attraction, too. I mean, when a person says something that’s different from the norm, it makes you different… and interesting. An interrupt from a predictable routine would pique anybody’s interest. Also, I’ve said it once I’ll say it again. We purse that which retreats from us. A guy who does NOT stare or bump and grind her or gives her lots of compliments or spend hoards of money on her… that makes him a bit of challenge. He’s got an edge. That creates curiosity, electricity, excitement… attraction. Her point here seems to imply negs are manipulative. It’s not manipulation. It’s being different, unpredictable, challenging, interesting.

> “If someone used a neg on me, I would think he was a weirdo or strange fetishist, and it would turn me off. All the centerfolds I have interviewed whole-heartedly agree”:

Well, if she presented the concept of negs the way she did above, they probably WOULD agree with her. Aside from the questionable way she may have interviewed her subjects, negs are not based on mere speculation. Like I said before, it’s based on PRACTICE and what actually WORKS in the real world.

Rather than condemn, a more interesting question would be to ask what makes them work so well?

When it comes down to it, women snuff guys all the time. It sucks and it’s painful. The idea isn’t to fall for it. The idea is to preempt it, and to intrigue her. Then a real connection can happen.

Here are a couple more objections from women:

> How would YOU feel if a woman told YOU you had something on your nose? Bad idea.

Women use negging on men constantly. It’s so ubiquitous, we sometimes don’t even notice it any more. We are expected to let it slide off us. Our negs are meant to cancel out hers.

> I’m telling you that any sort of remark that makes a woman feel self-conscious is NOT going to get her associating good feelings with you.

The idea is never to hurt her feelings. It’s to show her beauty is just skin-deep. Just because she’s beautiful doesn’t mean she gets away with bratty behavior. Her pedestal is not real. She’s a human being, so am I. Also, it’s to show I’m not trying to sleep with her. It’s actually to put her at ease and make her feel comfortable. With negs we want to make her laugh, smile, and see us as more than just the next guy approaching her. Once we get all that out of the way, appreciation and kinds words are close behind. But now they’re earned, and they feel more sincere.

The Prince rescues Snow White from her pedestal where she was asleep and lonely. Mutual appreciation follows. And they live happily ever after... provided he doesn't put her back on a pedestal.

The Prince rescues Snow White from her pedestal where she was asleep and lonely. Mutual appreciation follows. And they live happily ever after.

Now that I’ve beat the subject of negs to death, here’s what you can do RIGHT NOW to practice them.

Step 1. Pick ONE of the following lines (a lot of these are just “play fighting” lines):

  • “I can already tell, you and I are NOT gonna get along.”
  • “That’s it, we’re breaking up. You keep the cat, I’ll keep the DVDs.”
  • “You’re fired!”
  • “You’re such a dork.”
  • “Quit looking at my chest. My eyes are up here!”
  • “You are so cute! I wanna put you in my pocket and take you home with me. Wait… are you house-broken?”

Step 2. Practice delivering ONE of these lines in the mirror. Have a smile on your face. Say them in the spirit of play. If you make yourself chuckle saying them, you’re ready for the next step.

Step 3. Try the line on a coworker, a cashier, or a girl you approach. If you use it on a girl you approach, make sure you do it within the SECOND SENTENCE out of your mouth. Known as the “Second Sentence Rule.” It’s important not to wait to spark attraction, but do it RIGHT AWAY. Embed this within a DHV or topic of conversation.

Step 4. Watch her laugh. And feel the INSTANT attraction you’ve just created.

cameron_diaz

Give her a smile. She’s attracted.

That’s the beauty of negs.

 
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Posted by on January 3, 2013 in A2 Attract Her, Home

 

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The Comfort Sequence

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Holy crap she’s beautiful! Don’t be intimidated. After you’ve made her laugh, connect with her.

Let’s talk about building comfort and trust with women.

There’s a beginning, a middle, and an ending to every courtship. You and I know that. But let’s do a quick review for the hell of it.

The beginning is attraction, the middle is comfort, and the ending is seduction.

Begin with attraction. Don’t open in seduction or comfort. I’ve seen guys open girls with “Hey baby nice tits.” And I’ve seen guys open with “So, where are you from?” before she knows anything about them. There’s a time and place for that. But not in the beginning.

First, spark attraction! Push her away, pull her in, make her laugh, and demonstrate an engaging and masculine personality.

After she shows signs she’s attracted (e.g. she’s still talking to you, her body is facing yours, she’s laughing and engaged, when you qualify her she complies), establish comfort and trust. Some guys might wanna skip comfort and jump into seduction right away. And others might think they have to keep negging her and playing hard to get. No. Shift gears and connect.

How do you connect and build comfort and trust? We’ll dig into all that in a sec.

After you’ve established enough comfort and trust (spending about 4-7 hours with her), physically escalate her to sex. One mistake guys will make here is to stay in the comfort zone. Other guys will keep cracking jokes, making her laugh. I’ve been in both those places. But at some point you’ve gotta switch the mood to a seductive one, be bold and make a move towards foreplay and sex.

Okay, so there’s a quick review. I just wanted to paint a backdrop for where comfort happens.

Now let’s dig into COMFORT.

I mean, there’s not a whole lot out there on it, right? There’s more stuff on attraction and seduction… the glamour phases. But not much on building comfort and trust. So, what I’d like to do here is give you a little map of the sequence, so you don’t get lost.

And as always, I wanna give credit where it’s due. Obviously, these aren’t my ideas. Mystery was the genius who invented this map.

Here’s the basic idea of the map…

There’s a beginning, middle, and ending to the comfort phase, too: C1, C2, and C3.

The idea is you want to show you’re not some skeezeball out to get sex from her. You want to show you’re a human being just like her. You want to show you’re not a “stranger.”

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Comfort is about breaking out of the “stranger” mould and becoming more and more “human” to each other.

And you want to connect with her on an emotional level.

But there’s a strategic sequence to all this. Follow the sequence, and it can help us lead women seamlessly to sex. It installs booby traps for the friend zone. And it’s an ETHICAL way to build her desire for sex with us, so she actually WANTS it.

Let’s check out each phase.

C1: IN THE PICKUP LOCATION

mystery in C1

Move your target (and her friends if necessary) to a nice sit-down area of the pickup location

After you’ve gotten some indicators of interest from your target, isolate her. Move her and her group of friends if necessary to a nice sit down location within the venue you met her.

Or, you can isolate her within her group of friends.

For example, while in her group of friends, you can say to your target, “I want to show you something.” Turn your back to her friends, and do something like The Cube on her. That way there’s no weirdness on both the girl and her friend’s parts about you separating a girl from her pack of friends.

In either case, once in isolation, enjoy each other’s company. Now all those questions, “so, where are you from?” can be asked. She’s already attracted, so you can ask those kinds of questions.

You still need to be a bit of a challenge though. You’re not like “You like me? Holy shit! Well, I like you, too! I mean, you’ve got great taste. Wanna make out?”

Uh, no.

Just because she likes you, doesn’t mean a thing. That can change with the drop of a hat. Still be DEVELOPING attraction for her.

You can do this by asking her more qualification questions. For example, “So, what do you want to be when you grow up? And don’t say princess.” You want her to say things of interest so you can be like, “You like Tool? No WAY!” By the way, you can still qualify her in C1.

Here’s another tip. Never isolate a girl from a two set. Meaning, if a girl is there with just one friend, don’t leave her friend alone and alienated. Isolate them both.

When you do, make sure the target sits between you and the obstacle.

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When isolating a two-set, have the target sit in the middle. Talk to the obstacle on the end.

Speak with the obstacle so the target can hear what you’re saying. And while you’re speaking with the obstacle, physically escalate the target.

Nice.

If you sit with your target for at least 25-40 minutes, you’ll at least get a solid number close. You can do a kiss close during this phase, too.

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The first kiss isn’t a seduction tactic, it’s a comfort building one. From: “Good Will Hunting”

But C1 is simply defined by location. You’re isolated with her in the pickup location.

C2: IN PLACES NOT CONNECTED WITH THE PICKUP LOCATION OR THE SEDUCTION LOCATION

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The infamous “coffee date” is an example of C2. Take her to a venue not connected with the pickup location or the seduction location.

After you’ve spent about 25-40 minutes with her in C1, invite her to join you in another venue. This is called a “bounce.” The first bounce is a trusting thing.

You’re still a stranger to her. Are you going to compromise her safety? She doesn’t know you yet. But if you take her into another venue and you act completely normal, safe, and make her feel comfortable… trust has been established. And it makes inviting her to your place easier later on.

Also, when you enter a new venue together, you’re no longer “strangers.” You have a “couple” feel. Hello comfort. Good bye strangers.

And feel free to bounce her to multiple venues. Hang out in 5 locations during the course of one night and it will feel like she’s known you longer than if you hung out in 1 location for the same amount of time. It’s weird how the works, huh.

Here’s some things to keep in mind for this phase.

#1. Have fuuuuuun. What does like EVERY personal ad by a woman say? Exactly. She wants a man she can have fun with and who makes her laugh. Well, man, have fun. One way to do this is to take her to fun, eclectic places like the scene below from “Good Will Hunting.”

Or you can have fun over a cup of tea, too. It’s just an eclectic place has props and fun stuff in the environment to play with. How do you have fun? Pretend you’re three years old again in a sandbox and you don’t need to impress anyone. Make yourself laugh. Chances are she’ll have fun, too.

#2. Kino. Get comfortable holding hands and kissing. Hollywood movies have it wrong. DON’T wait to kiss at the end of the night. It’s always awkward. Kiss and touch before the end of the night and all throughout it. Kissing is not a seduction tactic but a comfort-building one. She’ll get more and more comfortable with your touch. This makes the bridge over to seduction land a cinch to cross over later.

#3. Continue to build commonalities. Get curious about her. Listen. Genuinely appreciate what she has to say. And here’s a quick conversation tip. After she answers a question of yours, comment on her answer before asking another question. It forces you to listen, and it lets you avoid transforming into the dreaded “Interviewer.”

#4. Be social. Taking her into multiple venues, and making light conversation with the bartender or cashier or people at the bar lets her see you’re a social person. A real human being. And being able to get along with others is an attractive quality.

If you’re unable to bounce her that same night, set up a date to see her again right there and then. That’s called a “Time Bridge.” Make sure to set a time and place to see each other though. Saves having to play phone game later.

So, C2 is defined by location, too. You’re spending time with her away from the pickup location but not in the seduction location… yet.

C3: IN THE SEDUCTION LOCATION

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Enjoying some alone time in the seduction location. From: “Vicky, Christina, Barcelona”

After you’ve spent three or four hours with her going on these mini-dates, invite her to the seduction location. For example, the living room of your apartment. If you’ve spent enough time in C2, it makes the chances higher that she’ll come over.

Don’t pounce on her when she comes in. Build more comfort and trust.

Show her around. Get her a drink. Have her sit on the couch with you. Put on some music. “Come on in, take a seat, hang out.”

When she comes in, you’re NOT in seduction yet. Again, show her her safety is not compromised by being alone with you in a seduction location.

The door is unlocked, the blinds are up, she can leave anytime she wants. You’re not going to force sex on her. No threat, no pressure whatsoever.

Here’s some things you can do.

Have some cool stuff laying around, like a cool book to look through on your coffee table. You can even have the “Book of Questions” handy or Zen cards or a Dream Interpretation book or play dough or whatever might make a girl say “What’s that?”

If you play a musical instrument, play her a song.

Here’s another idea. I got it from David DeAngelo. You can listen to your voicemail messages while massaging her hand. It’s like a reality time-warp into a time and place where it feels like you’ve known each other for months. The point is, you’re not skeezing her out. You’re still establishing comfort and trust.

Here’s one more idea. You can do your grounding sequence. In fact, definitely do your grounding sequence here.

A “grounding sequence” is when you ground your identity with her reality. Instead of saying “I’m a writer” which might feel abstract to her, you can tell a string of 3-7 stories about how you became a writer so it grounds you to her, and makes your identity more relatable. How you became who you are today from childhood, through adolescence, through college, and beyond. So, she feels like she knows you.

Make sure to do the same for her. Stop after one of your stories and ask “what about you?” Let’s say she says she’s going to school for nursing: “You’re going to school for nursing? Amazing. How’d that happen? How’d you become who you are?”

This usually happens in C3, but can also happen in C2.

Now, before you’ve brought her into the seduction location, you’ve kissed. You’ve held hands. You’ve bounced her. You’ve gotten to know her.

So, it’s natural that after you’ve talked a bit in living room, you’d kiss her again. But this time, it’s a longer kiss. And you begin to arouse her. Stop, take her hand, and lead her into the bedroom.

You’ve officially left the comfort phase, and you’ve entered the final one, seduction.

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Now that you’ve built enough comfort…

CONCLUSION

After you’ve attracted her and made her laugh, spend at least four to seven hours getting to know her. During that time, kiss and kino. Connect. And take her into as many fun venues as you can. Seduction… without the buyer’s remorse or the last minute resistance… won’t be far behind.

 
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Posted by on December 28, 2012 in C1-C3 Comfort, Home

 

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No Foreplay till the SEVENTH phase of a pickup

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Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Are you trying to tell me you don’t arouse her until the SEVENTH phase?

Exactly.

What’re you crazy?

Hey man, foreplay ain’t till the seventh phase of a pickup. What can I say? Attract her FIRST.

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That means open the set. Phase 1. Attract your target. Phase 2. And qualify your target. Phase 3. Duration: approximately 5 minutes.

Build trust and comfort with her SECOND.

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Isolate her in the venue you met her. Phase 4. Bounce her to a venue not in the pickup location and not in the seduction location. Phase 5. Invite her back to your place. Phase 6. Duration: a few hours.

THEN you can arouse her. Phase 7.

seducing a woman

So, you’re telling me not to kiss her until then?

No, no, no, no.

When you first kiss a girl it’s NOT to arouse her. It’s to build comfort. Kiss her for the first time during the comfort phase. And when you first kiss, DON’T be sticking your tongue down her throat, making out, or anything like that. Kiss on the lips (without tongue), then pull away.

There’s a classic example of this in Woody Allen’s “Annie Hall.” Check it out:

The first kiss is just to build comfort now. You eliminate the “friend zone.” And it makes it easier to get down and busy later when you’re alone with her.

Save foreplay for the SEVENTH phase. You’ll see some guys make out with a girl in public. Don’t do this. Save it for private. When you’ve attracted her and built a connection with her, THEN you can arouse her in private.

Wanna know the coolest part of waiting this long?

You build waaaaaaay more sexual tension.

For example, BEFORE foreplay:

  • DO touch her always, holding her hand, giving her a kiss, a massage, a playful nudge, whatever.
  • DO bounce her to several locations before you invite her back to your place.
  • DO introduce her to other people, so she sees you’re a social person.
  • DO say “I’m trying so hard not to kiss you” before you kiss.
  • DO say “Let’s slow this down” when you first kiss. And pull away.
  • DO always be willing to walk away, never crowding her or supplicating to her.
  • DO have her sit down when she comes into the seduction location, get her a drink, talk, relax for a bit. DON’T pounce on her.

By that time she’ll often do the seduction for you.

In a way, all this IS foreplay. Maybe what I should say is: don’t AROUSE her till the seventh phase of a pickup.

After you’ve talked a bit in the living room, kiss her again. You’ve been doing it all along. But now you can kiss her to AROUSE her.

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And lead her into the bedroom.

My point is, no need to rush into sex. Do touch and kiss for those few hours before she’s alone in a seduction location with you. Hold off on arousing her till that private time. You’ll build sexual tension, sidestep last minute resistance (phase 8), make sex (phase 9) something she wants, and avoid “buyer’s remorse” later.

Okay, fine. But how do arouse her during this “seventh” phase?

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THAT’S an excellent question. I’ve got some stuff on all that in the “Sex” section of this website. Check it out if you’d like. But it’s basically the same principle. The more anticipation and teasing and not-rushing-into-sex you do, the more aroused she gets. Funny how that works, huh?

Turn on her mind, and her panties will follow. That’s the whole beauty of waiting till the seventh phase.

 
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Posted by on December 21, 2012 in Home, S1-S3 Seduction

 

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First Time Sex

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I’m gonna let Mystery talk about first time sex here. He’s got some great words of wisdom.

Mystery: First time sex is very important.

I live in a world of abundance. Seriously. Do you know how many WOMEN are out there?

So, first time sex is NOT about trying to get your rocks off. Have sex with her because you legitimately LIKE this girl.

Sleep with ’em because you like ’em.

I’ve gone through my rockstar phase. I’ve had some hot girls… but they weren’t QUALITY. Crazy, huh?

I personally only go after women who has a sexuality and a personality about them that keeps me engaged.

First time sex is important. Practice up to that part. But don’t have sex with a girl and afterwards you’re like I don’t want to see her again.

Wouldn’t you rather look down and say, “Oh my God! I can’t believe she’s laying here next to me. I deserve this, but holy shit. I’m gonna do my best to be the best man possible, ’cause she inspires me.”

This is from an interview he did with David DeAngelo of David’s “Interviews with Dating Gurus” series.

It’s a point well taken. Be careful who you have sex with. Don’t have sex just to get your rocks off or feed your ego or brag to the guys “I conquered her.” Have sex with her because you actually like her.

So, practice pickup up to the point of sex. And if she’s a girl you honestly like, go for it.

If you are gonna go for it, here are some quick rules of thumb to follow.

1. Tease her, give her lots of arousal, and build anticipation. That means there’s absolutely no rush to stick your dick into her. The more she’s worked up before you enter her, the closer she’ll be to the edge of orgasm. And make sure she comes before you do.

2. There’s no need to be silent just because you’re in bed with her. Talk with her. Tell her how beautiful she looks, describe what you’re doing and use dirty words like “fuck,” “cock,” and “pussy.” Tell her what to do and tell her you like what she’s doing. If you’re feeling good, express it. Make noise. You love to hear a woman get turned on, right? Same thing with women. They love to hear you’re getting turned on.

3. Dominate her, ravish her, unleash the animal inside. But also be sensitive enough to listen to her body and her moans and respond to her accordingly. It’s very much like a conversation. Listen, and respond. It’s not a monologue where you do all the talking or where you’re performing. You’re CONNECTING with this real live human being right here, right now, right in front of you.

4. Enjoy yourself as if you’re eating the most delicious meal you’ve ever had. It’s so delicious and fills you with such pleasure you don’t want it to end. If you make sure to enjoy yourself, I guarantee she’ll enjoy herself too.

I’ve got more stuff on this under the category “Sex.”

Oh, and one last thing. Have fun.

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Posted by on December 17, 2012 in Home, S1-S3 Seduction, Sex

 

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Last Minute Resistance

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Just before you have sex with a girl for the first time, sometimes you’ll encounter what Mystery calls “Last Minute Resistance.” Also known as “LMR” in the pickup community.

There’s a way to pre-empt this so it won’t even come up.

And if it does come up, there’s a smart way to handle it so a girl feels comfortable enough having sex.

The difference between knowing what to do in this situation and what not to do is the difference between a boy who whines and panics, and a man who maintains a strong lead.

Before I get into the how-to, let’s try to see where a girl is coming from when this happens.

There are nine total phases in a pickup sequence: open (A1), attraction (A2), and qualification (A3) in the ATTRACT PHASE; comfort in the pickup location (C1), comfort in neither the pickup location nor the seduction location (C2), and comfort in the seduction location (C3) in the COMFORT PHASE; foreplay (S1), last minute resistance (S2), and sex (S3) in the SEDUCTION PHASE.

The objective of S2 or “Last Minute Resistance” is to ease a girl’s hard-wired reaction to first time sex. So, let’s try to see where she’s coming from when this happens.

Mystery has a great way of breaking all this down. I’ve heard him say her Last Minute Resistance is similar to our First Minute Resistance. They feel a similar anxiety just before sex that we feel just before we approach a girl. There’s a reason Mystery made this connection.

Women have said what they feel just before they have sex for the first time is it’s like having $10,000 on red and the ball is spinning. “C’mon red, c’mon red.”

All that she’s feeling is: “Is this man going to stick around?” It doesn’t mean she wants you to actually stick around but she wants the option to be hers. Also, some girls get this anxiety because they don’t want to be seen as a slut by you or her friends, too.

The LMR pang goes away when she knows: sex or no sex you’re gonna stick around. And she’s not a slut for having sex. In fact, take full responsibility for making the sex happen. That way she can tell her friends “it just happened, it wasn’t my fault.”

So, here’s what to do.

Start your LMR campaign… knowing that you’ll be there later… 10 MINUTES INTO THE SET. For example, let’s say you’re sitting down with her in the pickup location building comfort for the first time, and she goes to the bathroom. When she comes back say something like this:

“Not to give you a big head or anything but when you left all I wanted was for you to hurry up and get your ass back here. ‘Cause there was no one else I wanted to talk to. Don’t get me wrong, you could lose me in a heart beat, but that was a feeling I wanted to share with you.”

This pre-empts LMR. So, when she’s in bed with you later and has that pang “is he gonna stick around?” she thinks back and remembers what you said.

In other words, to pre-empt LMR, let her know I’m not just going to have sex with you and forget about you. I’m gonna stick around. And it’s not my choice. My HEART is telling me to stick around. I’m thinking about you, I WANT to call you. It’s not some rational duty. You’ve hijacked my emotional heart.

She needs to know all that. She needs to know you like her for legitimate reasons, as a human being, and you’re not going to just use her.

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If she knows that, her LMR circuit won’t even fire.

If her LMR still fires, here’s what you do.

Agree with her and stop. Put absolutely NO pressure on her to have sex.

Here’s what some other guys might do.

HER: “We should stop.”

GUY: “But baby what’s wrong…” And then LOGIC her to death.

Instead, say this: “I know. We should stop. We shouldn’t be doing this. And we certainly shouldn’t be doing this!” Then playfully nibble her ear or something. Make her laugh and turn her on at the same time. Haha. Love it.

I mean, she’s in bed with you. It’s just token resistance at this point. She just wants you to know she doesn’t normally do this. That’s all.

So, here’s what to remember.

1. Let her know during the comfort phase that you won’t leave her.

2. Let her know during the comfort phase that the word “slut” is bullshit and you respect spontaneous, adventurous women.

3. If you still get LMR during the seduction phase, agree, stop, and try again later.

4. One last point. If you give her lots of arousal during foreplay, believe me, she’ll want sex.

And that’s it.

Just remember, women LOVE sex. They WANT to get fucked. She might struggle with a little anxiety beforehand, but she wants it. It’s your job to make her FEEL… let me emphasize that word, FEEL, not intellectually debate, manipulate or force, FEEL… comfortable getting what she really, really wants anyway.

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Posted by on December 17, 2012 in Home, S1-S3 Seduction

 

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