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The Six Human Needs

Gotta share this awesome insight from Tony Robbins.

Tony Robbins Shallow Hal

Tony Robbins listening to Shallow Hal.

It not only helps with inner-game, it helps with relating with anyone, including… hot chicks. The idea: every human person has six basic human needs.

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The Six Human Needs: Certainty-Uncertainty; Importance-Connection; Giving-Growing

Now, before I dig into these, I’ve gotta share the story how Tony came up with the idea with you. ‘Cause it’s kinda cool.

How Tony Discovered This Idea

Tony had everything: riches, beautiful wife, world-leaders and world-class athletes seeking his help.

Tony Robbins On Stage

Tony was on top of the world but still felt despair.

But one day, before he was to board a plane to help another millionaire through some issues he was having, Tony felt like complete shit. He was like, “how am I gonna  help another when I’m having issues of my own?”

Oh, you’re asking why he was feeling like shit? Just discovered he had a tumor in his brain. Yeah, that’ll dampen your mood. All of a sudden, all the success in the world meant nothing. Because he wasn’t certain he was even going to live.

So, before he left for the airport, he went into the shower trying to figure out how he could shake off this funk he was in. He thought about what was really going on that was paralyzing him. Then he started thinking about what made all the people he met and helped who felt sad across the world from diverse cultures. A pattern emerged.

And he had an aha moment.

Aha Moment

Then he had an aha moment.

He realized everyone, no matter who they are, have six basic needs in common. And if these needs aren’t met, a person won’t feel happy. He could have everything in the world. If one of these are missing, he still won’t feel fulfilled.

Not all the needs were created equally, though. The last two needs are the most important. The first four have to do with ego-needs. The last two have to do with spiritual-needs.

Different people prefer the first four in different orders and in different combinations. They make the ego happy. But it’s the last two we need to be fulfilled (according to this idea at least).

Here they are:

First Two Needs: Certainty and Uncertainty

First, we need security…

Certainty and Uncertainty white pickett fence southern lagniappe

The symbol of security. We all need it.

…and we also need insecurity.

Certainty and Uncertainty Chaos

Chaos. We all need a little unpredictability, too.

Security has to do with knowing you have shelter, food on the table, health. You need basic, survival needs to be met. It’s almost like the first level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs 1

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. The need for security/insecurity seem to correspond to Maslow’s “Basic Needs.”

At the same time, if we have too much security or certainty or predictability, things get boring. So, we also need insecurity as well.

We need variety and surprise to keep us awake, alert, adventurous.

We need both. We need both uncertainty and certainty.

Second Two Needs: Significance and Connection

Second, we need to feel important

Importance and Connection kind-of-a-big-deal

The Anchor Man feeling pretty damn significant. But it’s a need we all have: to feel important.

…and we also need to feel a sense of connection.

Importance and Connection

But there’s so much significance and individuation we can take. We also need a sense of connection, too.

The way philosopher William James put it: the deepest principle in human nature is to feel important.

William James Quote Deepest Principle

The needs for importance/connection (or love) seems to correspond to something philosopher William James once observed about human nature: all of us have a need to be appreciated.

Some examples: Look at us puas. A lot of us who got into pickup wanted to feel important. Tell me if you can relate. Part of us wanted to learn how to attract any woman we want because really we want to feel loved, or even important or appreciated.

Other examples: People who want to be famous want to feel important. People who want to win and get awards want to feel important. Achilles in Homer’s Illiad who chose a short life over a long life wanting glory over an anonymous life as a farmer wanted to be important. Celebrities, millionaires, people with high status, politicians and so forth who have distinguished themselves in some way were probably driven by this need for esteem.

Still more examples: Guys who get into gangs and threaten some poor victim at gun point. Gives them a rush of power. And importance.

Here’re some others: People who brag. People who put down others.

And even people who say please and thank-you and show kindness to each other. They’re all ways to make others or one’s self feel important.

We all need appreciation, acknowledgment, respect, praise, to feel important. Without it, we feel insignificant, like we don’t matter, like we have no value.

However, if we feel TOO important and feel TOO distinguished and TOO individuated, problems also arise.

For example, you’ll hear celebrities talk about how lonely they feel. They can’t even go out into a grocery store without being adulated. They lose a sense of connection.

michael-jackson in disguise

Michael Jackson in disguise. He had so much significance and individuation he felt separated from the world. He’d express feeling loneliness and a longing for connection.

Or a person might be so filled with self-importance, he acts like a prick and treats everyone like garbage. Again, those who murder another for attention and power take this need too far.

Basically, when we feel the distinctiveness of our individual self too much, we lose connection with other human beings. We become separate selves, and that takes us away from love and empathy.

So, that’s the fourth human need. We need love, that feeling of human connection, of empathy, of relationship. This balances out our need to feel important.

Conversely, if we’ve lost too much of ourselves in a relationship and we feel like we have no voice or identity, we need to feel important or a sense of individuation or identity to balance this fourth need out, too.

Again, the first four needs are more like ego or personality needs. They feel good. Different people prefer one of these four needs more than others. One might want to feel important the most. Another might want security the most.

Either way, let’s say we get everything our ego wishes for. Well, according to Tony, we still won’t feel a deeper fulfillment. We could still feel a darkness. And that’s where the last two needs come in.

They’re primary essential. They’re needs of the spirit. They’re what bring fulfillment. Even if we fill the first four needs and have accomplished a shit load, if we don’t meet these last two needs, we’ll still feel lost, unfulfilled, even depressed.

Third Two Needs: Giving and Growing

The last two needs is the need to give…

Actor Robin Williams Helps Build Homes

Giving: we all have a need to contribute. Here Robin Williams is giving to a community by building homes with Habitat For Humanity.

and the need to grow.

Giving and Growing buddha quote love and understanding

And we have a need to grow.

Growing means: learning, improving, becoming more and more aware. Aware of yourself as in the old Socratic saying “know thyself,” sifting away the clouds of ignorance. Awareness is probably the real goal of all spiritualities, religions, sciences, philosophies. If these don’t help us to grow in awareness, they’re useless.

Giving means: showing love, kindness, respect to all life, to your friends, to your enemies. Contributing. Helping others. Serving a greater good than yourself.

There’s an old story about Michael J. Fox. Before he learned he had Parkinsons, he had the fanciest car, the nicest house, money, status, fame. But he said he was unhappy. It wasn’t until he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s and began contributing to a cause larger than himself that he snapped out of his unhappiness, and felt like his life had meaning.

michael j fox in congress

Michael J. Fox once said he didn’t feel a sense of fulfillment until he was making a contribution to society. He said he didn’t get that sense of fulfillment from fame and fortune alone.

There’s something about contributing and loving that breaks us out of the shell of the ego. The shell that the Buddha once said causes all of suffering. Serving a purpose higher than ourselves breaks us from these shackles. That’s one reason why as a pua it’s so important to give back and to always leave a woman better off than your found her, you know treat everyone you come across with love and respect.

But Tony doesn’t stop there. He takes all this a step further. He says you can divide all human experience into four classes…

The Four Classes of Experience: Despair To Happiness

The first class, fulfillment and happiness, is when you meet all six needs. The second class isn’t bad. It’s when you’re feeling pain, but you’re about to make a breakthrough in life, or a transformation. It’s kind of like growing pains. Being in a cocoon before bursting free. But the third and fourth classes is where unhappiness lie.

Here they are:

First Class Experience: you do things that feel good, that are good for you, serves others, and serves the greater good.

Experience First Teaching

The First Class of Experience: feeling good and serving a greater good. Robin Williams’s character from “Dead Poets” society loved teaching and it also served a greater good.

Second Class Experience: you do things that feel bad, but are good for you, serves others, and serves the greater good.

Experience Second Abu

Second Class Experience: painful lessons, growing pains, and doing the right thing even though you don’t want to. Here, Abu from Disney’s Aladdin didn’t want to give his bread away, but he did anyway.

Third Class Experience: you do things that feel good, but they’re not good for you, they don’t serve others, and they don’t serve the greater good.

Experience Third large_junkfood

Third Class Experience: doing what feels good, but not serving a greater good.

Fourth Class Experience: you do things that feel bad, and they’re not good for you, don’t serve others, and don’t serve the greater good.

Experience Fourth Crack

Fourth Class Experience: Doing stuff that doesn’t really feel good and doesn’t serve a greater good either.

Okay, okay, you’re saying. What the hell does this have to do with attracting and succeeding with women? Like I said at the beginning of this, this not only helps with inner-game but also in how to have kick-ass relations with anyone, including women.

How This All Relates To Attracting Women

‘Cause the ultimate attractive man doesn’t sit on the couch munching Doritos and playing video games all day. He makes giving and and growing his priority. He does things that put him into the first and second class of experience.

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Yes, this is here for eye candy. But the words are relevant, too. Right?

And here’s the cool thing. If you feel good from within, you naturally emit good feeling, and you can give “feeling good” to others. When she feels “feeling good” around you, she feels pleasure and links pleasurable feelings with you. And we’re all attracted to pleasure, right? You might even say attracting women really starts from within, from getting your inner-game together.

The other four needs teaches us about outer-game. That is, if you were to consciously meet her first four “ego” needs, you’d draw her to the pleasurable feelings she’s feeling around you.

For example, make her feel important (appreciate her) AND honestly connect with her. Give her a sense of safety, security, protection AND unpredictability, like surprising her, sweeping her off her feet, making her laugh.

What about meeting her two “spiritual” needs?

Well, she can only walk through that door herself. That’s something only we ourselves can do.

Conclusion

Anyway, those are the six human needs. Again, the last two needs can strengthen our inner game. The first four human needs can help us look beyond a women’s physical beauty, and connect to the human being inside her.

If you want to learn more about the spiritual (or “inner-game”) needs of growing and giving I’d recommend these two phenomenal books: “Awareness & The Way To Love,” by Jesuit priest Anthony DeMello, and “How To Want What You Have,” by psychologist Timothy Miller.

As for how to meet a woman’s first four needs, that’s what game is all about.

Flirt and play-fight to meet her need for unpredictability. Build comfort and BE (not just demo) the DHV switch of a protector and survivor to meet her need for security or survival.

Qualify and appreciate her to meet her need to feel acknowledged. Create an emotional connection with her to meet her need for connection.

And let me ask you with these last three questions:

  • What’s something you love to do that helps your growth and serves a greater good?
  • How can you start giving and showing more love to others, rather than just serving the ego?
  • What’s something you hate to do but helps your growth and serves a greater good?
  • What’s something you love to do that doesn’t help your growth or serve a greater good?

Together, you and I, if we can weed out what’s not serving our growth and what’s not serving others… and if we can do more of what serves the greater good… we’ll be on the path towards that first-class kind of experience Tony was talking about.

Then maybe we can share the light we feel inside with any beautiful women we meet might along our way.

Here’s a Ted Talk where Tony talks about these needs. Check it out (about 22 min):

 
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Posted by on September 9, 2014 in Home, Inner, Principles of Attraction, Quotes

 

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Self-Esteem: Six Pillars, By Nathaniel Branden

Attract this woman through high self-esteem

Attract this woman through high self-esteem

Outer-game is cool. In fact, I think one of the best ways to change your inner-game is to practice good outer-game. It’s like the whole “Fake it till you make it” thing.

But here’s the problem. Especially a problem you see with a lot of pickup artists.

They’re all outer-game, and no inner-game. They’ll spend lots of time learning routines and lines. And you know what? They’ll work. But all that focus on outer-game is like a woman putting on a lot of make-up. She might look good, but once the makeup’s off… not so much.

If you’ve got no inner-game, you’ll have a hard time keeping her around. She’ll like you for your lines, not for who you are behind the mask.

Besides, if you have a strong inner-game, the outer-game will flow out of you more naturally without having to memorize routines. Don’t get me wrong. You definitely need technique. I’m just saying if technique is all you’ve got, you’re gonna be an empty shell.

That’s why I wanted to share with you this idea about self-esteem. High self-esteem isn’t about “feeling good.” It’s about being able to cope with the challenges life throws at you.

And it’s about knowing you’re deserving of happiness. In other words, you don’t need the outside world to esteem you. You don’t need approval from women to feel esteem. You don’t need compliments to feel esteem. Esteem comes from within.

It’s like a strong immune system. People with high self-esteem get sick less often. And when they do get sick, they bounce back from it faster. It’s a strong inner-game.

That definition of “self-esteem”… and the term itself… was invented by a psychologist named Nathaniel Branden.

Nathaniel Branden, father of "self-esteem" and author of "Six Pillars of Self-Esteem"

Nathaniel Branden, psychologist and father of the term “self-esteem.” He wrote the book “Six Pillars of Self-Esteem”

His classic book about it is called “The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem.” I thought it might be useful to share what those six pillars are.

They’re actually six PRACTICES. They’re not meant to be done once. They’re meant to be done over and over again for the rest of your life. Like brushing your teeth or taking your vitamins. Practicing these strengthens inner-game. It’ll build your house of outer-game on rock, not on sand.

Here are the six practices:

1. Living Consciously.

A lot of us walk through the world as if we’re in a room with the lights shut off. We can’t see what’s in front of us, so we bump around. If someone asked you, “Do you want the light turned on?” Of course you’d say yes! Living consciously is like turning the light. With light, you’re more aware of the world and yourself.

2. Self-Acceptance.

This is accepting the warts, weaknesses, insecurities and dark shadows of your soul, as well as the good, strengths, confidences and virtues. Not trying to be “perfect.” Accepting yourself as you are. How can you leave a place if you don’t you know where you are?

3. Responsibility.

You don’t blame others. Instead you look at yourself to see how you may have been a cause. Relationships are a two-way street. If something goes wrong, it’s not that she’s a bitch. Or outside a relationship, he’s an asshole. It’s looking at yourself and seeing what I can do better next time.

4. Assertiveness.

This is about standing up for yourself and standing up for what’s right, even if you might get ostracized. Asserting what you want and like, even if you get condemned or made fun of. Having the ability to say no, even if a person doesn’t like it.

5. Living Purposefully.

Having goals in your daily actions. It’s not just having goals but creating an action plan. It’s not just having an action plan, but executing it. It’s not just executing it but looking at the outcome to see if you’re on the right track or not. Having goals gives direction.

6. Integrity.

Consistency between what you think, say, and do so they all match. If you say you’re going to do something, then do it. If you have a certain belief, don’t just preach it, do it. Integrity is honesty. Having what’s inside you be what’s on the outside.

I first learned about these practices when I listened to David DeAngelo interview Brandon on his “Interviews with Dating Gurus” series.

David DeAngelo's "Interviews with Dating Gurus." Highly recommended

David DeAngelo’s “Interviews with Dating Gurus.” Where I discovered Nathaniel Branden.

I thought it was fantastic. I asked myself which pillar was my strongest and weakest. I found assertiveness was my weakest and have been working on strengthening it ever since. And I’ve been getting better.

Here’s a question Branden offered to help us strengthen a practice. He suggests asking yourself: “If I could bring 5% more <pick a practice> into my life, then I would <an improved action>…”

For example, “If I could bring 5% more assertiveness into my life, next time I talk to friends about a movie I like, even if they don’t like the movie, I won’t deny I like it, but I’ll say I like it. Even if they make fun of me.”

The great thing about the question is it doesn’t say “Be more assertive!” That’s meaningless. It asks what small step can you do today to increase assertiveness.

The other great thing is the question helps us find the answer to what’s holding us back for ourselves. Instead of an outside force… like a psychologist or teacher… telling us what to do, we can discover it for ourselves. By thinking for ourselves.

So, what’s your weakest pillar? Your strongest? And how can you bring 5% more of these practices into your life?

If we strengthen what’s behind the mask while tweaking our outer “mask,” we’ll sub-communicate AND communicate an inner-strength and light. And the difference between the two of them might fade. Talk about attraction…

About-How-To-Attract-Women

A man with strong self-esteem… attracts her more than a man with great lines

 
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Posted by on August 29, 2013 in Home, Inner

 

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How to Deal with Women’s Rejection of You

Rejection feels incredibly personal, but it isn’t. Women respond to our skill level, not to who we really, truly are at our core. Whatever perception she might have of us is impermanent and changeable. Her false perception of us isn’t reality, it’s her illusion.

There’s “actual value” and “perceived value” of a person. Credit goes to Lovedrop’s book Revelation for this insight. Actual value is a person’s actual character. These are real and have a real influence in the world. But they’re not easily known.

Perceived value, on the other hand, is the surface stuff. It’s the limited information, cues, and signals we see on the surface to judge someone’s value, in lieu of not knowing what a person’s actual value is.

The skill of success with women is all about communicating our actual value in terms of perceived value. Attraction has to do with persona, not a person’s actual substance. We have to PRESENT ourselves well, as well as work on ourselves as men.

Getting better with women, then, is like learning how to do a better lay-up in basketball. It’s just a skill. As my basketball coach used to always tell us, perfect practice makes perfect. Women’s rejection of us has to do with our skill level, not with our intrinsic worth as a person. Happily, a skill is learnable—by anyone.

Now, that’s all well and good on an intellectual level, but if her rejection still has you in pain, USE the emotion. Don’t surrender to it. Here’s an action plan how to do this. Credit goes to J.R. Ridinger for this insight.

STEP #1. Identify the emotion. There are two ways people deal with emotion. They either ignore it or feed it. Don’t do these. Instead, feel the emotion. Next, put a label on it. Is it anger? Sadness? Frustration? What category does it fall under?

STEP #2. Clarify the emotion. Ask yourself, “what is the emotion telling me?” Emotion is information. There’s a reason you’re feeling an emotion. Analyze the emotion to understand why you’re feeling that way.

STEP #3. Identify the action signal. Ask yourself what you can DO about it. There’s basically two actions you can take.

A. Change your perception.

B. Change your procedure.

In other words, you can change the way you think or INTERPRET whatever is making you feel the negative emotion. Or you can change your BEHAVIOR so the negative situation doesn’t happen again.

When a woman rejects you, ask what’s the SIGNAL to change? Change either your negative thoughts, or your negative behavior. This way YOU take control of emotion, rather than it control you. You make it USEFUL.

Last point. Despite any rejection from a woman, NEVER give up. KEEP on the track that you’re on. Her rejection is not of you. It’s of your skill level. Keep honing the skill. And you’ll make it through to the other side. Her rejection can empower you.

“It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.” – Confucius

 
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Posted by on June 27, 2012 in Home, Inner

 

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Seven Secrets to Style’s Success

“Style,” aka Neil Strauss

How did Style get so successful in the game? According to him it was these things:

1. Hang out with people better than you: He hung with Mystery. Obviously that might be a little more difficult now, but there are other guys out there you can find that are good with women. When you hang out with that guy, he’ll rub off on you. You’ll SEE him in action. And you’ll learn subtle lessons from him a book could never capture. If you can’t find anyone, models on tape or video are a good temporary substitute.

2. PRACTICE: Style went out all the time and PRACTICED pickup. You can’t learn how to surf from books. Same thing with women. When you practice pickup, you’ll fail. It’ll hurt. But failure is the backdoor to success. And your learning will go from your head into your BONES.

3. Learn in small chunks: Style learned in chunks. He didn’t try to get a threesome before learning how to approach first. Master opening first. Next, master “negs.” Next, “DHV,” next qualify, next isolate and so on until you learn how to stack orgasms.

4. Learn from your mistakes: No situation is impossible. There is ALWAYS a solution to a problem, and ANY obstacle can be solved. The most difficult situation you can imagine, like a girl surrounded by 8 guys or a girl on her way out the door or a girl who’s heard your opener already, can be solved.

5. It’s YOUR fault: If something goes wrong, it’s not her fault. She’s not a bitch or mean or uptight.  YOU did something to make her feel uncomfortable. Look to yourself for what went wrong in the situation. Think about how you could do it better next time. And do it better next time.

6. Don’t take it personally: Take in all criticism, and take a hard look at yourself. If the criticism is true, then learn from it. If the criticism is garbage, throw it away. Rather than waste energy being “hurt,” use the info to better the skill.

7. Preparedness: Before going out, Style would study his routines and structure until he knew them like the back of his hand. He would then fold up the piece of paper, put it into his back pocket, and forget about it. He’d go out into the field, and just flow. His sets would go awesome.

Know what you’re going to say, and what you want to accomplish before you approach. This will allow you to take the lead, move things to a destination, and detach your ego from the results. The focus will be on improving your SKILLS rather than being on an ego trip.

Then if you REALLY wanna skyrocket your success, TRACK your results! When you track, don’t only criticize yourself. Acknowledge the good, too. You can tell who’s going to be a great pickup artist by the ones who get scientific, and track their approaches.

Some other nuggets that helped him in the field:

  1. Belief: whatever is possible you can manifest—so believe it, and do it despite any obstacles that get in your way. It WILL happen
  2. Make sure she orgasms before you—that way she’ll always come back for more.
  3. When approaching a mixed set, as long as you show the guys respect, they will be cool with you
 
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Posted by on June 27, 2012 in Home, Inner

 

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Identity, part 2

Choose an identity that will make you successful with women

Every single guy has the ability to be successful with women. It’s not that some guys have it and other guys don’t. There’s no gene for success with women. ALL of us guys have it within us. We all have the masculinity that women love.

So what’s in the way of our success?

Well, there’s inner-game issues and outer-game issues.

Outer-game is about all the skills. That’s important. No doubt.

But without the right IDENTITY, or inner-game, all the skills in the world will be little better than a band-aid. Outer-game heals only the surface. But what you believe about yourself, your IDENTITY, will determine your success from the inside out.

Identity is really only a label. Be careful of the labels you put on yourself and the labels other people try to put on you. Give yourself a label that will make you more successful with women. Guess what? Your behavior will become consistent with that label.

Here’s another way of putting it.

People think they can change their behavior.

A smoker tries to quit, an obese person tries to eat less. And they fail. Why?

You can NEVER change your behavior. You have to change your identity first. Change the way you think of yourself. A smoker has to eliminate the label “smoker.” An obese person has to stop thinking of himself as someone who’s “fat.” Change the label first, even if you don’t see it yet, and the behavior will follow. Labels are like a self-fulfilling prophesy.

So, if you think of yourself as someone who’ll never be successful with women, you’ll act like that. But if you change the label and identify yourself with someone who’s irresistible to women, you’ll act more successful with women.

Change your identity first.

Decide who you want to become. And don’t “become” that person. BE that person RIGHT NOW! Now’s the time. Not later, but right now.

Speak, feel, act like a man who’s successful with women.

Now, you might hear a lot of people laugh at you and say no you “can’t” and reinforce those negative labels on you. The closest people in your life, your family and friends, will say these things to you. They’ve known you a certain way and have pigeon-holed you a certain way and they’ll resist your change.

Don’t let them.

YOU define who you are. YOU judge yourself. YOU get to determine whoever the hell you are and what you want. PERIOD.

And if you screw up along the way and get rejected by women, it’s okay. Just don’t let the screwup define you. You can screw up, but don’t be a “screwup.” You can do something stupid, but it doesn’t mean you’re “stupid.” You can do something terrible, but it doesn’t mean you’re a “terrible person.”

If you start to think you’re a “terrible person,” you’ll probably start doing more terrible things. Because that’s your identity. Do you think correctional institutions really correct behavior, or do they just reinforce a person’s identity as a “terrible person”? Don’t get me started. That’s a whole other story.

The point is, the mistakes you make aren’t your identity. It’s not permanent.

Some labels are beneficial, though. If that label or identity that brings you confidence and freedom, it will help you rather than hinder you. If you make your identity one that’s confident and one who knows how to make women feel wonderful… Your brain will figure out ways to make this come true.

So, be actively aware of any deep-seated beliefs about yourself that might be holding you back. So many of us are unconscious of the beliefs that don’t help us. Then ask who you really are at your deepest level. What is that spark in you, that divine flame, that’s been smothered? That’s who you really are.

Once you figure out who you truly are, FUSE with that identity. Step into the body of a man who’s successful with women. And emulate him. You get to decide. The rest is history.

 
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Posted by on June 20, 2012 in Home, Identity

 

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