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Myth #1, Part VI. The Myth Moralizes Men’s Desires

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The Puritans, the founders of the U.S.. They thought dancing and sex were sins. We’re still Puritans… especially when it comes to how we view sexual desire. There’s nothing wrong with sexual desire.

To say pickup is about lying, bullshitting, and manipulating also moralizes sex. In the same way we moralize women for wanting sex by calling her a “slut,” we moralize men for learning how to be better with women by calling him a “bullshitter, a manipulator, a liar.”

Moralism is a disease, a disease of modern society. So many of us would rather take half-baked ideologies and condemn everyone else before looking at ourselves and seeing how imperfect we are first.

Again, there’s nothing morally wrong with desiring women. Learning pickup allows a man to harness that desire into something more than lust. So that he develops into a more excellent man in the process.

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Sexual energy begins “down there,” but we can harness it into something higher. One of the values of pickup: it gives sexual energy a positive place to go.

So, in my view at least, that’s what pickup is about.

“Players” are different from pickup artists. Players rush a woman into bed, and have no interest in seeing her again. He may bullshit, manipulate, or lie to “get” sex.

A pickup artist, by contrast, takes his time in getting to know a woman and wants to give her a great experience.

Once again, in learning this skill, a man develops himself into a better man. One who’s neither nice guy nor jerk. He takes the best from the two extremes and discards the worst.

Then after he’s mastered the skill he helps other guys who were in his situation.

That brings Myth #1 to a close

Phew. That was a long response to the first myth that pickup is about lying, bullshitting, and manipulation. But I had to go into detail about it, because I hear this myth too often.

I hear it so often because it’s easier to judge than to understand. And it’s fun to judge before understanding because it makes a person feel superior and righteous to condemn.

Anyway, my point was when done correctly, pickup can be such a positive thing.

But here’s a second big myth that surrounds pickup. Myth #2: learning routines is bad. It’s another moralistic myth that cracks me up.

 
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Posted by on May 27, 2015 in Home, Myths about Pickup

 

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Myth #1, Part V. Pickup Answers A Shadow In Feminism

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Pickup teaches there’s nothing wrong with a man treating a woman like a woman… even if she can open that car door herself.

A Shadow 1970s Feminism Cast

By the way, let me make clear here that feminism is fantastic. I’m grateful for it. Our culture is better for it.

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It makes me laugh when I hear a woman say she’s not a feminist. Feminism isn’t bad. Unless treating both men and women like human beings is bad.

We needed to learn women are NOT the second sex. Women can do the same exact things men can do. We needed to open avenues for women so they could go to college, have careers, not just stay home and make babies. They showed us women and men are absolutely EQUAL.

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The message behind the original feminism was good: women can do the same things as men. Both are human, both are equal, both sexes must be treated with respect.

But here was the problem.

That brand of feminism (from the 1970s) seemed to relay this message: men and women are the same, that’s why they’re equal.

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Here was another shadow 1970s feminism cast: 1970s feminism seemed to only include white women of the middle and upper classes. Current feminism includes women of all races and classes.

Let me say that again.

Implied was the sense men and women are the SAME. That’s why they’re equal. The intent was great. To fight oppression of women, to give women equal rights as men. But in the realm of sex, this was a disaster.

Men began to feel “sexist” if he treated a woman like a woman in the realm of sex and dating. He feared opening a door for a woman meant he was a chauvinistic pig. He felt badly if he desired a woman. He didn’t know if he was supposed to pay the bill, whether that meant he was now saying women weren’t independent. He wasn’t even sure if it was sexist taking the lead on the dance floor.

Women expressed some grievances, too.

They found men seemed to act less like… men. Sure, they were “nice.” They were more sensitive than the macho jerks. That was refreshing. But women found these nice guys weren’t exactly turning them on in the bedroom either.

Something was missing. Something like a spark. Maybe even electricity.

So yes, women were going to college, becoming doctors, lawyers, CEOS. Excellent! They were becoming independent. Awesome! Less dependent on the man to provide for her. Fantastic! She would even cut her hair short, burn her bras, and grow armpit hair. (Um, er…)

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Feminists burning their bras in Toronto, 1979.

Meanwhile, men were going out to the woods, growing their hair long, learning to cry, getting in touch with his emotions, staying home to take care of the baby, learning to become more nurturing.

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By the ’80s movies were coming out where men played the traditionally feminine role. “Mr. Mom” starring Michael Keaton in 1983 is an example.

You might say men were getting in touch with their feminine side, women in touch with their masculine.

I know I’m probably sounding like a broken record, but this is a POSITIVE. Getting in touch with the feminine or the masculine within makes us more three-dimensional human beings.

But without returning home to our native masculinity or native femininity, things get confusing in the realm of sex. Two negative poles don’t create any magnetic attraction between magnets. Two positive poles don’t create electricity in a battery either.

Similarly, with this idea of “sameness” sexual electricity between men and women becomes muddled. There’s just… neutrality. NEUT(ERED)-ality.

How Pickup Answers This Shadow

Enter pickup.

Pickup builds on 1970s feminism. The idea is yes, men and women are equal but that doesn’t mean they’re the same.

We’re different, but equal.

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From China: the yin-yang symbol. Yin (the dark) is the feminine, Yang (the light) is the masculine. But dark didn’t mean evil and light didn’t mean good. The idea was more like, during the day we’re active, during the night we rest. We need both for balance. Again, the masculine and feminine are different AND equal. As well as complements.

Difference is great. We need variety in the world. But difference doesn’t mean superior vs. inferior or better vs. worse. Why are we so either/or and black and white in the West?

Difference can mean just different. Better yet, it can mean complements. Complements that NEED each other… complements so if we get rid of one, we get out of balance. It doesn’t have to be a battle between good and evil.

So, sexually men and women are not the same. That doesn’t take away from the equality. We still share in the same humanity.

But in terms of sex, we NEED difference to create sexual electricity. Much like we need a positive and a negative charge in order for energy to flow.

Again, the message behind pickup: men and women are different AND equal.

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From India: Shiva (masculine energy) and his consort Shakti (feminine energy). Like the yin-yang symbol, this image says the masculine and feminine isn’t worse or better than the other. They’re different, but equal and complementary.

 

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Here’s an image showing the difference between Shiva and Shakti: Shiva (masculinity) rests like DEATH and sits back (detached-like) to witness universals. Shakti (femininity) dances with energy like LIFE, and is engaged with particularities (which allows for relationship). One is not better than the other. Both are important, both equal, both need the other. Both men and women are capable of and need both.

Here’s another message underlying pickup: It’s okay to be a man! It’s okay to desire a woman. It’s okay to take the lead on the dance floor. It’s okay to treat a woman like a woman. To make her feel beautiful and desired.

So, “Why do men have to learn how to be a man?”

After that needed revolution by 1970s feminism, a lot of guys weren’t sure anymore what it meant to be a man. They even feared being “masculine” because they didn’t want to a misogynistic jerk.

Pickup gives guys permission to be masculine while treating a woman as an equal. It shows a guy how to take the lead, how to be a protector, how to be funny and flirty. In order to create some sexual electricity! Pickup also teaches a guy how to be more sensitive and empathetic, treating women with utmost respect. He must leave a woman… and every person he comes across… better than he found them.

In that sense, pickup isn’t just self-development, it’s a cultural evolution. When pickup is done right (and I know it’s not always done so) it’s a movement that can help men–and perhaps our culture–evolve to a higher step.

Thanks to 1970s feminism we’ve evolved from the macho jerk to the Sensitive Man. Women evolved from the Submissive Housewife to the Independent Woman. Now it’s time to take the next step in the evolution. For men: to be sensitive but also to have a spine. For women: to be independent but also to be beautiful and feminine.

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I got this idea of the “third evolution” from David Deida’s book “The Way of the Superior Man.” It’s important for men to evolve to the final stage: be sensitive but also to have a spine. That’s what pickup must teach.

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The next evolution for women: strong and independent, but also feminine.

Manipulating, bullshitting, or lying has nothing to do with the true goal of pickup.

Let me close this myth (that pickup is about manipulating, bullshitting, and lying) with one last point.

It has to do with male desire. How it’s okay to desire women. And how pickup harnesses that desire in a healthy way…

 
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Posted by on May 19, 2015 in Home, Myths about Pickup

 

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Myth #1, Part II. It’s a Logical Fallacy

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A Few Bad Apples in Pickup Don’t Invalidate the Whole of Pickup

Again, because the skill is neutral, of course a guy can use it for ill. He can easily make it about self and ego.

But you can say the same for any skill. There are selfish, egotistical concert-pianists, professors, scholars, athletes, artists, actors, salespeople, Christians. But does that invalidate the whole of Christianity, acting, art, athletics, scholarship, and piano? Does a few bad cases make the whole of the skill inherently selfish?

Of course not.

There are many others who’ve mastered the skill without being egoists. I’d say most guys learning this skill don’t want to hurt women and don’t want to use them. They’re in it to better themselves. But more on that later.

This logical fallacy, by the way, is called “Composition/Division.” (And if you want an awesome list of other logical fallacies, check this out. Sweet-ass site.)

Anyway, this fallacy assumes that what’s true for a part must be true for the whole. Or, the whole must apply to the parts. For example, thinking, “I’m made of atoms. Atoms are invisible. Therefore I must be invisible.”

Yes, there are some bad apples in pickup. That doesn’t make the whole of pickup a bad apple. The few bad apples are just bad apples. The bad apples who may lie, manipulate, and bullshit doesn’t mean that’s inherent to pickup.

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In fact, you could draw parallels to ethics with pickup. Allow me to explain in part three.

 

 
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Posted by on March 24, 2015 in Home, Myths about Pickup

 

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Myth #1, Part I. Lying, Manipulating, and Bullshitting a Girl into Sex?

I wanna dispel some myths.

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About to bust some myths about pickup

 

Uninformed ideas, preconceived notions.

‘Cause I hear how horrible it is to learn pickup a lot. You may even have some of these doubts yourself. I wanna address these, so you have no doubts this path is an awesome one.

Myth #1: Isn’t Pick-up About Lying, Manipulation, and Bullshitting a Girl into Sex?

Nope.

Usually I hear women come up with this one. But to be honest, it was a concern of mine before getting into pickup, too. I didn’t want to get into something that was about lying, manipulation, or bullshit.

But it comes down to intent. The skill itself is neutral. It’s neither manipulative or non-manipulative. The man breathes the manipulation into the skill if that’s his intent.

It’s similar to money. Money itself is paper with ink printed on it. It’s neutral, neither good nor bad. It’s the intent that makes money a good or evil. Persons who are greedy and rich were probably greedy before they got rich. Persons who are generous and rich were probably generous before they got rich.

Similarly, those who use pickup to manipulate were probably manipulators before they learned the skill. There are plenty of PUAs who are in this NOT to manipulate, bullshit, or lie, but to grow as men.

In any event, neither money nor pickup is “evil” in itself. It’s the intent of the man that makes it selfish or not.

So, when I hear this old wives’ tale, I know it’s a gross generalization.

When women say it, I think there’s a valid fear. It’s lazy thinking, don’t get me wrong, but I think there’s a valid fear beneath it. Perhaps they fear men will learn the skill and use it to manipulate them, lie to them, not see them as human beings.

But learning this skill doesn’t mean this happens.

This myth becomes offensive when women (or anyone else) accuse, stereotype, condemn, and get moralistic on ALL pickup artists before understanding the specific man.

After hearing enough of these accusations I myself almost feel guilty that I have male desire, and that I want to learn how to succeed with women.

Of course there’s nothing wrong with having male desire or wanting to succeed with women. The irony is this accusation is often used as a manipulative guilt trip itself.

So, why can’t a guy learn how to become more attractive, and talk to a women better without lying, manipulating, and bullshitting?

Do those terrible things really follow from the desire to become more attractive?

Hell, no.

Indulge me for a moment and let me take this accusation apart to show you how ungrounded and fallacious it is. I’ll begin in part two.

 
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Posted by on March 22, 2015 in Home, Myths about Pickup

 

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Tips from Dale Carnegie

Dale Carnegie, author of the classic: "How To Win Friends and Influence People."

Dale Carnegie, author of the classic: “How To Win Friends and Influence People.”

Ever read “How To Win Friends and Influence People”?

Great book, right?

I picked it up because… let’s face it…  game-theory can get weird.

Like, you ever been out approaching chicks but you see a woman as a “target” rather than as a human being?

I know it’s happened to me.

So I picked up Dale Carnegie’s book to help me get back to the humanity of it all. And it was like a tonic. Besides, that’s the real skill you need when you’re out in the field, anyway. Getting along with people.

Here’s his main idea:

Treat people with kindness and respect. At bottom everyone wants to feel important. So, get where a person is coming from. And make her or him feel important.

I know this may sound basic. “Yeah, yeah I know,” you might say. “Whatever.” Well, do you actually do it? I know I’m still learning how to do it.

What I love about the book is how Dale takes this simple idea… which is THE idea behind Christianity, all great religions, and all great philosophies… and applies it to a ton of specific examples.

For example:

PART ONE: Fundamental Techniques

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Lift others up. That’s all we want. To feel important and understood.

1. Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.

2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.

3. Don’t tell others what to do. Instead, arouse in the other person an eager want. If you have a person WANT to do something, they’ll do it on their own volition. Forcing or commanding never works.

PART TWO: Six Ways To Make People Like You

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Smiling is like saying there’s a light on inside the house. It also makes a great first impression.

4. Get interested in other people (not just in what you want).

5. Smile. Action speaks louder than words. A smile says: “I like you. You make me happy. I’m glad to see you.” It’s a simple way to make a great first impression.

6. Use a person’s name often. It’s the sweetest sound to them.

7. Listen. Don’t do all the talking. Encourage people to talk about themselves. Honestly get curious about who they are.

8. Don’t just talk about your own interests. Talk about the other person’s interests. If you do, you’ll hook their interest. And they won’t want to stop talking with you.

9. Make the other person feel important. All people want to feel important. But don’t bullshit about it. Do this sincerely.

PART THREE: How To Win People To Your Way Of Thinking

Listening

Don’t do all the talking. Listen.

10. Avoid arguments. That’s the best way to get the best of arguments. Don’t embarrass a person in front of other people by proving him wrong. Let them save face. Choose your battles. Let the small potatoes go. No need to be argumentative or superior or “right.”

11. Show respect for a person’s opinions. Never say “You’re wrong!”

12. If you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

13. Begin in a friendly way. If you come at a person with your fists closed, you can be sure the other person’s will close just as fast. So what do you do when you’ve  been pissed off? Still start friendly: “Let’s sit down and understand why we differ.” It’ll calm your adversary, and you can resolve the issue. As Lincoln once said: “To win a man to your cause, first convince him you’re his sincere friend.”

14. Get the person saying “yes, yes” immediately. Don’t begin by discussing differences. Emphasize where you agree. Don’t have the other person say “no.” “No” is the most difficult obstacle to overcome, because she’ll feel like she’s gotta stick to it. Get her in the habit of “yeses.” And you lead her to your point of view more easily.

15. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. You don’t win others to your way of thinking by doing all the talking. Ask them questions. Let them let you tell a few things. To be understood, understand first.

16. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. If the idea comes from within them, they’ll have more faith in it.

17. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view. If a person is wrong, don’t condemn him. Try to understand them. Put yourself in his place.

18. Be sympathetic to another person’s ideas and desires. Wanna know how to stop arguments, eliminate ill-feeling, create good feeling, and have the person listen to you? Then tell them: “If I were you I would feel just as you do.” Again, put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Really get where they’re coming from. Then they’ll try to get where you’re coming from.

19. Appeal to the nobler motives. Give a person the benefit of the doubt. Treat a person as second-class, chances are he’ll fulfill that prophesy. See the best in people, chances are they’ll fulfill that prophesy, too.

20. Dramatize your ideas. Just stating a truth isn’t enough. You have to dramatize it. Make it vivid. Make it emotional. The way movies and TV do. Engage not just the mind, but the EMOTIONS too.

21. Throw down a challenge. When nothing else works to win people to your point of view, throw in some competition. A competition always inspires people to want to excel.

PART FOUR. Be a Leader: How To Change People Without Giving Offense Or Arousing Resentment

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Leaders don’t tear others down to feel superior. Instead, they lift others up.

22. Begin with praise and honest appreciation. If you must find a fault or criticize someone, begin with praise. After you’ve given the criticism, end with praise. The formula is: “Praise-correct-praise.” The Praise gets them to listen. The correction that comes after the “but” negates the praise. So, end on a positive note. End with praise. That way you lift a person up, rather than tear her down.

23. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. Correcting someone is always dicey. Rather than out-right saying “No smoking! Can’t you read the sign?” A better way to go is: “I’d appreciate it if you guys would smoke outside. Thank-you.” Direct criticism points the finger at them. Feels patronizing. Indirect criticism points the finger at me and what I want. It’s more honest and respectful.

24. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing someone else. When you talk about someone’s mistake, don’t come at it like you’re Mr. Perfect who’s never made a mistake before. Say something like: “You’ve made a mistake, but God knows I’ve made my share of them. We learn by experience…” This way you’re not tearing a person down. It’s easier to hear criticism when the person who’s criticizing admits his faults first.

25. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. No one likes to take orders. Instead of saying “Do this.” “Don’t do that,” a more effective way is: “What do you think of this?” “Do you think this would work?” Again, when the answer comes from the person… rather than from an outside force… it’s theirs. They’re more apt to do it.

26. Let the other person save face. Let’s say you have to let someone go. Few people consider the other person’s feelings. They emphasize their fault. Threaten. Criticize. Embarrass. Alleviate the sting by putting yourself in his shoes, and appreciating his good: “You’ve done such a great job, you’ve got the right stuff…” When the person feels respected, he won’t feel as “let down.” Don’t destroy a person’s ego. Let them save face, even if you have to let them go.

27. Praise every improvement, however slight. When you praise people it inspires them to keep doing that good thing. Abilities wither under criticism. And they blossom under praise. It’s a magic power we all possess… to praise and inspire people’s latent possibilities. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.” But of course, not empty flattery. It must be sincere, it must be honest.

28. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. If you have a worker that hands in shoddy work, don’t bawl him out or threaten him. A more effective way to go  is have a heart-to-heart with him: “You’re such a good mechanic. You’ve done such good work for customers. As of late your work hasn’t been up to your usual standards. Maybe together we can find a way to correct this problem.” Give them a good reputation to live up to.

29. Use encouragement. Make the fault easy to correct. If a kid isn’t doing too well in school, labeling him “brain-damaged” or a “slow-learner” will just give him the belief he won’t do well in school. It just reinforces the behavior. A better way to go is find his gift, play to his strengths, believe in him. When his belief in himself changes for the better… so will his performance in school.

30. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. Let’s say you have to refuse many invitations to do something. Rather than say you’re too busy, a better way to go is to appreciate the invitation  and suggest an alternative. Or if you need someone to do something for you, point out the benefits in it for THEM, not you. People will be more likely to do what you want, if they’re happy about doing it.

Do you see how it’s the same theme repeating over and over again? Treat people with kindness and respect. People want to feel important. Rather than tear them down, make them feel important. ‘Cause everyone is.

This one insight about our human need to feel important was like a huge light going off on inside me. When someone is trying to tear you down, chances are he just wants to feel important. When a person’s bragging and trying to look cool, chances are he just wants to feel important. When a girl’s dressed to the nines and rejects guys, chances are she just wants to feel important. Well, let them feel important for God’s sakes. Maybe now we can all relax.

As for us, now we know better NOT to tear down others. We don’t have to do that to feel important. What does that accomplish? Just leaves ME standing, while everyone else is down. And THAT creates war, ill-feeling, ego. Better to lift others up. That creates peace, good-feeling, growth, connection.

It also makes game so much easier. You can get along with anyone. Because you see they’re exactly like me. All everyone wants is to feel important… just like me.

So, game. Play hard to get. Tease. Be a wise-ass. Please do.  But underneath it all, ALWAYS treat EVERYONE with kindness and respect. You’ll go a lot further if you do.

The look of attraction. It comes from treating her and all others with respect.

The look of attraction. When you treat  her and ALL others with respect, that’s what happens. Making people feel important… it’s just the right thing to do.

 
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Posted by on July 14, 2013 in Home, Principles of Attraction

 

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Keep On The Path

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Here’s a great video to keep you on the path. Learning pickup isn’t easy. There’s a lot of pain along the way.  A lot of rejection and hurt.

I know for me there were PLENTY of times where I just wanted to throw in the towel. I was like, “it’s too painful, I suck, I’ll never get through this.” But I stuck with it. And I’m so glad I did. I got over the hump.

The key to success–in any area of life–is persistence. This is one of my favorite quotes:

“Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.” -Calvin Coolidge, 1872 – 1933, 30th U.S. President

Calvin Coolidge, 1872-1933, 30th U.S. President

Calvin Coolidge, 1872-1933, 30th U.S. President

I promise if you keep getting up off the ground, brushing the dust off, and staying in there… you will find success. Not only will you find yourself attracting women, you’ll transform yourself. That’s the real goal, transformation.

This little video is here to keep you motivated, and keep you on the path.

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Posted by on March 15, 2013 in Home, Inner

 

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DON’T buy her a drink!

Let her buy YOU a drink instead Picture Credit: datingish.com

Don’t buy women drinks. Yes, I know the rule. And I would have NEVER violated it. But ONE time it worked. Big mistake. Huge.

I violated the rule while I was becoming more successful with pickup. I opened this hot chick at a dance club–while she was dancing with her boyfriend–and she asked me to buy her a drink.

I knew the rule. But she was practically begging me.

We flirted at the bar over her drink. She wrote her number on the edge of a coaster when the other guy wasn’t looking and slipped it to me. When the club closed, she asked me to go to a strip club with her afterwards.

Schwing!

That’s when I ERRONEOUSLY thought, Maybe buying chicks drinks ain’t such a bad thing.

WRONG!

Then the next week happened.

I opened two girls at a bar. One was this bohemian type with tattoos up her arm, drunker than a sailor. The other girl was a hot brunette with big tits that were practically falling out of her tank top. Target: Big Tits.

They were giggling and touching me. Tattoo Girl went off to be drunk somewhere, and Big Tits and I started talking.

Tattoo Girl came back and said “I wish I could get another drink.”

Now the funny part was she wasn’t even saying it like she wanted me to buy her a drink. She was just thinking out loud. Normally I would have ignored the comment, but after the last week I thought, “why the hell not?” I bought shots for the three of us.

BIG MISTAKE!

The entire dynamic changed. I went from cool-guy to guy-to-take-advantage-of. The girls went from facing me, to facing away from me. The feeling was disgusting.

Luckily, I recovered. We still exchanged numbers. And we even flirted with the possibility of a threesome.

But the change of the dynamic was so nasty, and I had come so close to screwing things up, that it taught me NEVER to do it again.

Don’t buy her a drink!

That means:

a) Don’t offer to buy her a drink. She’s heard it so many times, you’ll stand out about as much as a gnat on a wall. Besides, she’ll let you buy her a drink and then you’ll never see her again.

And

b) Don’t buy her a drink if she asks you to. Instead, either ask her to buy you a drink. OR tell her you wanna get to know her first. Either way, the whole drink thing is a power game. Don’t play by the rules of this game. It’s rigged against you. And hell, why pollute the interaction with money? She should like you for you, not because you bought her something.

It’s such a ridiculous concept. Why do we have to buy her something in order for her to talk to us? Is our value as a human being that low? Or is the concept that in order to get sex we have to buy her something first, as if sex is a favor she has to do for us? Fuck, give her orgasms and she’ll be begging for it.

Whatever.

Get money out of the interaction. Money changes things. You’ll be categorized as “guy to use.”

Rule of thumb: don’t spend lots of money on her (a cup of tea’s okay) until AFTER you’ve had sex with her. Until then, keep the interaction pure.

 
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Posted by on August 4, 2012 in A1 Opening, Home

 

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