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Category Archives: Relationship Maintenance

Swinging: A Relationship Spice

01 Jan
Two couples getting ready to swing

Two couples about to swap partners. Credit: thelostogle.com

Let’s talk about keeping a relationship alive.

I covered some of my favorite tips  in my article, “Keeping A Relationship Alive,” and “The 7 Rings of Desire,” but I wanna take all that a step further.

You only need two glues to keep a relationship together: communication and sex.

If there’s no communication, there’s isolation, and that’s the opposite of relation…ship. It’s a relation…shit. (Bah-boo-boo-ching. I’ll be here all night.)

And once the sex goes, what’ve you got left, but mere friendship?

Now, here’s the problem.

When it comes to having sex in a long-term relationship… We get into our little routines. We do the same moves over and over. We have sex in the same place time after time. After a while it gets boring. And you’re like, “sex again? Ugh.” Then you go whack it to some porn.

That’ll do wonders for your relationship. Not.

What’s the solution? Variety. If the problem is doing the same thing over and over, then the solution is to shake things up a little, right? Of course it is.

Well, what kind of stuff can I throw in there for variety’s sake?

You sure you wanna ask me that? Okay, bro. You asked for it. Here’s a quick list for starters:

  • Dirty talk
  • Dirty texts
  • Role Play
  • Getting her to pose for pics
  • Using the Remote Control Egg while out in Public
  • Spanking
  • Constraints
  • Sex toys
  • Hypnosis
  • Watch Porn Together
  • Entice, then Deny
  • Deeply Intimate Sex
  • Threesomes
  • Swinging

Swinging? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Before you get too crazy about the idea, let me just explain, all right?

WHY SWINGING

It used to be  monogamy was the “gold standard” of a loving relationship. It used to be that “opening the relationship” to other people would destroy the relationship. It used to be saying “I think we should see others” was code for let’s breakup.

Not anymore.

You’d be surprised how many happily committed couples swing. You’d be surprised at how not only does it NOT destroy their relationship, but it often brings them closer together.

‘Cause it takes trust. ‘Cause you go on an adventure TOGETHER. ‘Cause you learn to appreciate what you have even more.

But here’s the coolest part: you get to bring out your woman’s inner-slut.

Mm-hm. Oh, hell yeah.

Now by “slut” I don’t mean a woman who sleeps around.

I mean a woman who’s sexually uninhibited, adventurous, expressive, animalistic. EVERY woman has that sexual beast in them. It’s just that women don’t always get to bring her out to play too often.

Well, by leading her into new territories of sexual experience, you can help your woman awaken the full potential of her sexuality. And she’ll love you even MORE for it.

Nice, right?

So, let’s take a peek at swinging. As a way of keeping your relationship alive, and awakening your woman’s sexuality.

First, I’ll look inside the Swinger’s community. Then I’ll give you some tips in how to introduce your woman to it. Finally, I’ll give you a few quick etiquette tips during the whole swinging experience.

Sound good?

THE SWINGER COMMUNITY

First things first. The goal is not to gratify your own selfish desires. If you’re gonna swing, do it as something you and your girl do TOGETHER. Your goal is to enhance your relationship.

Okay with that important disclaimer out of the way, let’s get into the good stuff.

You’ll find most swingers are in their 30s and 40s. Yes, you’ll find swingers in their 20s, 50, 60s, too. But a lot of them are in that 30s-40s range. Most couples are married, with the guy being straight and the girl being bi, but you’ll find all sorts of variations.

There are three basic ways to meet other couples who swing: dances, on-premises clubs, or online ads. Let’s look at each.

1. The Dances

Swinger dances are filled with open bisexual behavior. Yet they consist entirely of couples. Here’s something else that’s funny. Every one of these dances admit single women, but very few allow single men. Isn’t that funny? It’s probably for good reason because check out what the dances are like…

Swinging Swingers-Clubs-in-Orlando

This took place in “The Legacy Club,” a swinger’s club in Orlando. Swinger’s clubs are filled with open sexual behavior, including between hot bisexual women. Sweet! Credit: lustwave.com

At these dances you’ll find two women going down on each other in a corner or women sucking another woman’s tits on the dance floor. Mwah-ha-ha (my evil laugh).

Some dances are held in the ballroom of a hotel so couples can reserve a hotel room that night.

Okay, so much for the dances. Here are what the on-premise clubs are like.

2. The On-Premise Clubs

Swinging SugarHouseDenver

I took this from “The Sugar House,” a swinger’s club in Denver, Colorado. Credit: sugarhousedenver.com

You’ll find rooms with one bed that have a door that locks. Oooor, rooms with many beds with no locks on the door. In other words, you’ll find private rooms or public rooms.

Why do they have bedrooms at the clubs?

Tee-hee. So, after you meet a couple you like, you can get down to business right there and then. Hahaha!

Can you imagine if all clubs had bedrooms in them for that reason? Wouldn’t that be glorious? Well these clubs do, which is just cool.

Anywho. There are two types of swaps: “full swap” and “soft swap.” Full swap is when couples have intercourse with each other’s spouses. Soft swap is when couples do everything with each other’s spouses except intercourse.

The cool thing about either one these clubs or dances is you don’t have to seduce the other woman. All you have to do is be cool, fun, and relatively attractive. You don’t really need game. All you have to do is eliminate the couples who are there only for a soft swap (if what you’re after is the full swap, of course).

The downside to this no-need-for-game is swingers can be superficial. Couples often choose each for how physically attractive you and your girl are. It’s not based on emotional connection or personal qualities.

And it’s the girls who tend to be the picky ones. The guys usually go along with whatever.

Okay, you’re probably wondering by now, “How do you find these dances and clubs?”

Just put in a search the on web for dances and clubs in your area. Go to them. Meet the people there. As they get to know you, they’ll invite you to large, unadvertised dances or parties where beautiful swingers go.

You’re in.

3. Online Ads

Finally, you can search online ads like this www.swinger-nation.ie for other couples who swing.

All you do here is exchange pictures and emails with another couple. You then agree to meet up at a local bar for drinks. You spend maybe a half hour or so talking. That’s all you need before it’s time to get down to business.

Kinda cool as to how there’s no need for games and stuff like that, right? Swingers are very okay with sex already, they want it, it’s already on the table, so there’s no need to pretend and beat around the bush.

Cool, fine, whatever. But HOW do you get your girl to swing?

Ah, the million-dollar question. Let’s talk about that now. That last one would take a whole other article itself to breakdown.

HOW TO GET YOUR GIRL TO SWING

From David Shade, I learned there are three ways to do it. One of them is advanced. Here they are:

1) Tell her three fantasy-stories. Make one about swinging, and see how she responds.

2) Just tell her you’re going to take her to a swinger’s dance.

3) Have a threesome with your girl first, then take her to a Swinger’s dance.

Let’s just focus on the first two.

1. Tell her three fantasy stories

It’s night, you’re in bed with your girl, you kiss her up, get her in the mood. You don’t stick it in yet, though. Stop and tell her it’s “Story-Time”:

You: “Hey baby, I’ve written three fantasies for you. I wanna read them to you.”

Her: “Okay!”

Read the fantasies aloud to her, if you’ve written them out ahead of time. I means wou don’t have to write them out ahead of time, if you don’t want. You can just tell her three fantasies.

Make the FIRST FANTASY about something you know already excites her. Maybe it involves a movie star she likes. Maybe it involves getting massaged and given a bath before sex. Maybe it involves getting ravished by a shadowy stranger in an alleyway. Whatever. Just make it about something she’s already excited about. And feel free to use hypothetical people.

Make the SECOND FANTASY about a threesome. Again, feel free to use hypothetical people. But whatever you do, make sure to set the fantasy up like it’s a story.

It’s funny because when you compare romance novels and female erotica with porn, you’ll see in “female porn” there’s an actual story with characters. In other words, they don’t go straight to the sex. The sex scenes are built up to, with a story.

So, follow suit. In your fantasy, set up the threesome with characters. Tell a  story about how a threesome would happen. Describe the threesome in a way that would excite the hell out of her with the forbidden, with resistance, with anticipation. What I’m trying to say is don’t make it just about the deed, include lots of buildup.

If you’re drawing a blank on stories to tell her, here’re some books I refer to for ideas:

  • “My Secret Garden” by Nancy Friday
  • “Private Thoughts” by Wendy Maltz and Suzie Boss
  • “To Turn You On” by J. Aphrodite.

Hell, you could probably ready one of these fantasies for her. There are threesome stories in there. Reading one of those would do the trick, too.

If you don’t want to buy one of those books (I’d highly recommend you invest in one because it goes a long way in helping a guys understand how to turn women on), you could even put a search on the web for “female fantasies.” There’s plenty out there for free. Here’s a great resource right here.

Make the THIRD FANTASY about a man who brings home another man to help him double penetrate his girl.

After you’ve read/told her the three fantasies, polish the night off with some AWESOME sex.

At a later time (could be that night or the next day), ask her what she thought of the three fantasies. When she mentions the   double penetration one, tell her:

“I think that would be exciting in the context of a secure relationship. There would be no jealousy. It would be about giving you amazing pleasure and making the relationship even more exciting.”

You’ve planted the seed.

On another night, do ANOTHER “Story-Time.” Tell her THESE three fantasies:

The FIRST about a threesome, the SECOND about double penetration, the THIRD about spouse-swapping.  And, of course, polish off the night with great sex.

Discuss the fantasies that night or the next day. When she mentions the spouse-swapping one, talk about how that would be exciting within the context of a secure relationship, too. Especially if it’s done as something that would bring the two of you closer together. Emphasize that. That’s it’d be something that would bring a couple closer together.

When she agrees, put in a search on the web for swinger dances clubs in your area, or search online ads. Then tell her you’re going to take her to a swinger’s club or meet a couple.

Yes, you might get objections. I’ll talk about that under the next option.

2. Just tell her you’re going to take her to a Swinger’s Dance

The second option is a little more direct.

Search swinger clubs or online ads in your area. Find something you like. Then say to her:

“Hey, I’m taking you to a swinger’s night this Saturday night. It’ll be awesome. We’ll just watch for a little bit. And you can decide if you want to stay longer.”

Bam, done.

Well, maybe not quite done. She’ll probably bring up some objections like: the people in the community are unattractive and skanky. Or, it might destroy the relationship.

As for the first concern, there are MANY attractive people in the swinger community. And lots of hot, bisexual women. That right there will probably be the biggest draw for a woman.

How?

Because about one-third of women admit they’re bisexual, one-third are secretly open to the idea, and one-third would try it but they have a dogmatic social stigma against it. Women simply find other women attractive. This might be her chance she’s always wanted to try.

As for the second objection, make sure she understands it will be done in the context of a secure relationship. It’s meant to be done TOGETHER. It’s to meant to add enjoyment to your already wonderful sex life, and to bring you two other closer together. No jealousy. She’s always #1. And if it any time she feels uncomfortable, let her know you’ll stop.

For example, the dialogue might look something like this (credit goes to David Shade in  “Bring Out Her Inner Slut”):

You: “This Saturday I’m taking you to a Swinger’s club.”

Her: “What? Why?”

You: “I’ve always been curious about the swinger community, and I want to learn about it. We’ll watch and you decide if you wanna stay longer or not.”

Her: “Why do you want to learn about swingers?”

You: “I’m curious about why they swing.”

Her: “They’re probably all swanky.”

You: “From what I’ve heard, many of them are attractive. And all the women are bisexual.”

Her: “So you want us to get into swinging?”

You: “I’m not saying I want us to get into swinging. I’m just curious about the community, and want to learn about it.”

Her: “Are you not happy with me?”

You: “Of course I’m happy with you. I love you. I love having sex with you, and you’re the most beautiful woman in the world to me. But you know me. I’m also always looking for ways to enhance our relationship. It’s just an experiment. It”ll only be for us and to bring us closer together. You’re always number one. And if at any point you don’t like it, we’ll stop.”

Her: “If we do this, I don’t want you kissing another woman on the mouth.”

You: “Fair.”

Her: “Okay. Fine. I’ll try it just once…”

I’ve gotta tell you… Don’t be surprised if she becomes VERY enthusiastic about it. Haha

Okay, once your girl’s ready to rock n roll, let me give you a few etiquette tips once it’s time to get down to business…

SOME ETIQUETTE TIPS WHEN IT COMES TIME TO SWING

1. Before The Deed:

  • BE GROOMED. The better looking you and your girl are, the more couples will be interested in you. How can we guys become more attractive? We can bump ourselves up on the attractiveness scale (let’s say from a “5” to a “7”) just by being groomed. That means no stragglers hanging from the nose. Showered. Shaved. Dressed well. Smelling good.
  • BE COOL. You don’t have to seduce the other woman. And DEFINITELY don’t be pushy. Just be cool. What do I mean by that? Have social graces. By “social graces” I mean you make eye contact (shows honesty), you listen and ask about them (don’t hog the conversation), you’re fun, playful (see my article “Flirting” for more on this), and you’ve got interesting things to talk about (even though this article about conversation is on pickup, it covers basics of good conversation… talking in terms of them). Just be likable, fun, “normal.” You’re in.
  • BE THE GUY’S BEST BUDDY. You’re going to be fucking his wife. He’s gotta be able to trust you. So, show him respect. And bond with him.

2. During The Deed:

  • TAKE THE LEAD. When it comes time to do the deed, people get hesitant. Who will make the first move? I’ll tell you, women don’t like to. And the other guy might not know how. So, take the lead. How? First, instruct the girls to kiss. After they’ve done that for a while, instruct them to strip and eat each other out. Sit back and enjoy the show with the guy. Soon, the girls will be ready for cock and will want you guys to join in. WARNING: Just because they’re swingers doesn’t meant they’re the world’s greatest lovers. All the more reason to take the lead.
  • MAKE YOUR GIRL #1. Include your woman in everything you do. If she’s ever feeling uncomfortable, stop. It’s not about getting your rocks off. It’s about enhancing your relationship with her. If you’ve set rules ahead of time (maybe she doesn’t want you to come in the other woman), make sure you abide by them. Always make sure she’s cool, first.

3. After the Deed:

  • NO CUDDLING WITH THE OTHER WOMAN. This goes with “Make Your Girl #1.” No cuddling or emotional bonding with the other woman. That will cause jealousy. Swap wives, tell the couple it was nice meeting them afterward, maybe even talk for a few minutes. Then leave. No emotional drama. The lack of clinginess and emotional drama is actually a breath of fresh air.

CONCLUSION

If you’re gonna swing, remember these three important points:

  • Women are highly sexual and this can bring her sexuality out even more.
  • Take the lead.
  • It’s about enhancing your relationship and expanding her sexual experience.

Swinging is a shit-load of fun. It can truly bring you two closer together. It will definitely add variety and spice to your sex life. And it can bring out the love and appreciation you two have for each other even more.

swinging two couples-good-thing -270

Swinging couples enjoying some time together. Credit: momlogic.com

 
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Posted by on January 1, 2014 in Home, Monoamory, Polyamory

 

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The 7 Rings of Desire

08 Sep

Here’s another great insight about relationship maintenance. Comes from Sherrie Rose.

Sherrie Rose, The Self-Proclaimed Love Linguist

Sherrie Rose, The Self-Proclaimed Love Linguist

She came up with the concept of a “Love Bucket.”

Sherrie Rose's "Love Bucket"

Sherrie Rose’s “Love Bucket”

Her idea: Every woman desires 7 things to feel happy in a relationship. You don’t need to meet all 7.  Just find the 3 – 5 most important to her and meet  those.

If you do this, you’ll raise her femininity, and she won’t want to leave you. You’ll get respect from her, intimacy, more freedom, admiration, she’ll support you on your terms, and love.

I came across Sherrie, again, through DeAngelo’s Interviews With Dating Gurus series. When I had first heard it, it had helped me understand what I did wrong and right in my relationships.

Let me just say here at the outset, these apply to when you’re in a monogamous relationship… and you want to keep it alive. Before you get into a relationship, though, it’s important to create attraction. That’s where game comes in. You know, being a challenge. I wrote a post about that called: “Game.” Check it out, if you’d like.

In the meantime, here are the 7 rings:

  1. Sex: Give her sex and orgasms.
  2. Contact:  a) Physical Contact, like: hugs, caresses, hold hands. b) Non-Physical Proximity Contact, like: phone, text, email.
  3. Recognition: Acknowledge her, appreciate her, compliment her, pay attention to her, see the good in her, find out what makes her tick, connect emotionally with her.
  4. Provisions: a) Provide for her financially. For example, paying for dinner. b) giving her gifts: flowers, jewelry, clothes. c) giving her exciting experiences: concerts, trip to the mountains, and so on
  5. Do For, like: a) doing a chore for her: taking out the trash, making a lunch for her, doing her laundry, making her dinner. b) using your talents to help her: fix things, fix software, read her manuscripts.
  6. Do With, like: a) doing day-today things together: shop together, wash dishes together. b) or doing core activities together: playing golf together, traveling together, going on dates together.
  7. Lifestyle: Having personal values in common and how you live together. For example, how you are in the home, with family. How you maintain your health, hygenie. What moral and spiritual values you have in common.

Of the 7, the two most crucial are probably sex and lifestyle. If the sex goes, the relationship goes.  And if you don’t have deepest values in common, it’s gonna be hard to see eye-to-eye and keep the relationship going.

Speaking of keeping the relationship going, Sherrie has another great concept called “Lovematism.”

Four Pistons of a Relationship: Connecting on the Physical, Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual Levels

Four Pistons of a Relationship: Connecting on the Physical, Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual Levels

She says it’s the basis for enduring love. Or, as she puts it, it’s “love on steroids.”

She said she came up with the concept when looking back on her best relationships. She realized she had felt connected with a man on four levels. Here they are:

  1. Sexual Magnetism of Body: attracted physically, sexual connection
  2. Mental Hypnotism of Mind: intellectual connection, attitude, confidence, how the person thinks
  3. Emotional Rhythm of Heart: Emotional connection, empathy, opening your heart to each other
  4. Spiritual Mysticism of Soul: spiritual beliefs in common, connecting on a spiritual level, do spiritual activities together.

They’re like four pistons of an engine. Never all up at the same time. But the more pistons you have working, the stronger the bond and love. Great concept to help understand the success of a relationship.

Finally, she argues there are 3 basic mind-states.

Three Mind-States: Base at the bottom, Conscious in the middle, Omni at the top. Use the conscious level to lead your woman up to the omini level

Three Mind-Sets: Base Mindset (bottom), Conscious Mindset (middle), Omni Mindset (top).

Here they are:

  1. Base Mindset: Physical, survival drive. Drive for food, sex, safety. Where the emotions live. We spend most of our time here.
  2. Conscious Mindset: Where logic fits in. Stands outside of emotions to look at the bigger picture.
  3. Omni Mindset: Where logic and emotion integrate. Going beyond the “me” mode to serve a higher purpose. Where love and freedom live. What’s best for the greater good. The spiritual level.

She argues men tend to be more logical, women more emotional. Women can be logical too and men emotional. We all travel up and down the pyramid.

But she encourages men to be more logical, especially when a woman gets into the survival/emotional mode. We can direct them and help them back on track. You know, be that solid pillar for them. If we do this, she won’t derail us or work against us. Besides, taking the lead is attractive for her. Cause it’s masculine.

Speaking of taking the lead, she encourages us to take the lead in filling her love bucket, too. Fill hers first, and she’ll fill yours in return.

What happens when you make your woman happy

Filling her love bucket…

 
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Posted by on September 8, 2013 in Home, Monoamory, Relationship Maintenance

 

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20 Relationship Maintenance Tips

01 Sep

I found a fantastic link about relationship maintenance, and had to share it with you. It’s written by a man who just got divorced, and the lessons he learned. Here’s the link. And here’s a list of his 20 tips:


1) NEVER STOP COURTING/DATING

divorce advice


2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER BUT LOVE HER AS SHE IS.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY FOR YOUR EMOTIONS, IT’S NOT HER JOB TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

7) NEVER BLAME YOUR WIFE

8) BE SILLY

9) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY: ROMANCE HER, MAKE HER FEEL LIKE A QUEEN.

10) LEARN TO BE AN EPIC LOVER

11) BE PRESENT, 100% ATTENTION WHEN YOU’RE WITH HER.

12) TAKE HER SEXUALLY

13) DON’T BE AFRAID OF BEING AN IDIOT.

14) GIVE HER SPACE

15) BE VULNERABLE

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

Again, here’s the link if you wanna check out the full article.

 
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Posted by on September 1, 2013 in Monoamory, Relationship Maintenance

 

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The Ideal Woman

27 Aug

Had to share this video. I love Ross Jeffries comment about this: “I tell you, this woman isn’t far from the kingdom of heaven.”

 
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Posted by on August 27, 2013 in A3 Qualify, Breaking Up, Handling Women, Home, Videos

 

Ask Her For A Favor

04 Mar

lucy-pinder-for-lynx-1

Ask her for a favor once in a while.

For example, you don’t have to drive miles and miles to go see her. Let her drive to see you. You don’t have to be the one who’s always giving her massages. Let her give you a massage. You don’t have to be the one who’s always getting her a drink. Let her get you a drink.

The reason is simple. The more she invests in you, the more she’ll fall for you.

People don’t value free. People value things they work for. Things they have to struggle a little for. Things that cost them a little something.

For good reason, too. We grow when we work for things, not when we’re handed them for free.

Here’s another reason to ask her for a favor once in a while. She’ll backwards rationalize why she’s going out of her way for you. “I must like him,” she might say to herself. And that ain’t never a bad thing, right?

If you’re thinking this sounds a lot like qualification… you’re absolutely, 100%, right. It’s just extending that idea into relationships.

Like we talked about in that little qualification discussion, her attraction grows not when we give to her, but when she gives to us.

Completely counter-intuitive. Believe me, I know.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Getting her small gifts, opening the door for her, giving her massages is great. Fantastic. And I do all that for my girl.

Just make sure you receive, too. Let her give as well.

But here’s where it gets really cool.

One of the things that attracts women… is a guy who knows where he’s going in life. A guy with purpose. A guy who’s discovered his gift and who’s working to give it to the world with all his heart.

Like the Buddha once said: “Your work is to discover your work and give yourself to it with all your heart.”

The beauuuutiful thing is you can combine this idea of qualification (i.e. asking her for a favor) and having purpose. Double whammy, baby!

For example, if your passion is music, have her pick up some guitar strings at the store for you. If you have a business of some sort, have her help you in your business in some way.

She’s investing in you, she’s helping you serve your purpose, AND you get to spend some quality time together. Can you say “attractive”? Haha

So, ask her to do little favors for you, especially when it’s connected with living your purpose. Show her mucho gratitude to her afterwards. And of course return the favor later on.

It can do wonders in keeping your relationship alive.

Credit: Vin Di Carlo, “S Cubed.”

 
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Posted by on March 4, 2013 in Home, Relationship Maintenance

 

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Shaping

26 Feb

tumblr_m98kch7SZw1qzlro6o1_500

We train humans how to treat us. That, of course, includes women.

Have you even been in a situation where your woman treats you like shit? But you give her whatever she wants anyway? I mean, you want her to be happy after all. But alas… the behavior just continues.

I know I have. And it sucks. It takes a toll on your pride… and even your manhood, right?

While I was learning pickup, I learned how to stomp that out of my life. Through the concept of shaping. Here’s the concept.

If you get bad behavior from a woman, don’t “reward” her by letting that bad behavior continue. Stop it. Otherwise, she’ll think it’s okay to treat you in that second class way.

The flip side is true, too. If you get good behavior, however tiny, praise her for it. And I guarantee that behavior will continue.

Simple really.

I think this concept comes from B.F. Skinner’s experiments with both human and animal behavior, if I’m not mistaken. To way oversimplify Skinner’s findings: when good behavior is reinforced with praise, that good behavior continues. When bad behavior is associated with negative reinforcement, it stops.

But the genius of “shaping” goes even a step further.

Praise positive behavior even BEFORE she’s demonstrated it, and you create something like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

For example: “I love a woman who doesn’t flake out.” If she cares about seeing you again, chances are she’ll try not to flake out. Nice, right?

Here’s another example: “I love a woman who works out and takes care of herself. It’s super attractive.” Again, chances are likely she’ll make an effort to work out, ’cause she knows that’s what you like in your women.

Then, let’s say she dresses up for a date and she looks fantastic. “You look amazing! I love that dress on you.” Guess what? Exactly. Chances are likely she’ll want to continue looking fantastic for you.

Like I said, simple. But highly effective.

Unfortunately, there’s the shadow part of all this. You’ve got to be able to draw boundaries too, and that means being firm. It can feel like you’re being an asshole, but counter-intuitively, it can actually be a turn on for women. And you earn her respect. So, if I get bad behavior, I’ve learned to call her on her shit RIGHT AWAY.

For example:

Her: Oh, it’s you. What do you want?

You: Hm, sounds like you’re in a bad mood. Call me when you’re in a better one. (hang up)

If you continue to get that bad behavior, let her know it’s not cool with you.

And if it STILL continues, cut her out. There is absolutely NO reason to stick around and take second class treatment. First, you’re not there to be her savior. That’s a door she has to walk through herself. Second, there’s way too many tastier fish in the sea. Why would you waste you time? I’ll take a pass, thank-you.

Another example:

Let’s say she acts bratty and pouty and just plain bitchy. Not a fun combo, right?

Step away from her ass and do not kiss it! Do you hear me? Step away from her ass.

Act cooler towards her.

Or call her on her shit. “You’re acting like a brat right now.” Don’t reward bad behavior.

Now, here’s an important point to this whole concept. You have to make that reinforcement RIGHT when the behavior occurs. Delayed punishment won’t allow her to make an association. Stop it when she’s mid air in the act. She’ll get the association loud and clear that way.

That’s ultimately why I had gotten all that bad behavior when I did. I let it go on and didn’t draw boundaries when I saw the second class bullshit in the first place.

But I’ve learned my mistake, believe me.

And I wanted to pass on this gem of an insight onto you, too. Let her know what’s acceptable behavior and what’s not through praise and drawing boundaries. This shapes how well she’ll treat you for a long ways into the future. Not a bad return on such simple investment.

 
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Posted by on February 26, 2013 in Home, Relationship Maintenance

 

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How to Date Multiple Women

10 Nov

Let’s say you’re getting REALLY great with women. You’ve been going out four times a week for the last eight months, you’ve been keeping track of your approaches, and girls are starting to respond BEAUTIFULLY. They’re laughing, you’re the most interesting guy in the room, and you’re making them chase.

Guess what? You’re going to have a whole new problem on your hands. More than one girl is going to want sex from you.

I know, I know. This is a problem? Haha Well, it’s a QUALITY problem.

For example, let me ask you this question. Is it okay to sleep with more than one woman at the same time?

Hell, yeah.

You object you say? Well, check out my take on the whole subject.

As long as a girl knows you’ve got other women in your life, and she’s okay with that, I see absolutely nothing wrong with sleeping with multiple women at the same time.

I’ll say it again. As long as you’re HONEST about the fact that you sleep with other women and she agrees to that condition, how are you being dishonest or unethical about sleeping with other women?

And this goes without saying, but use protection. Of course.

Here’s the other side to this. If you tell a woman you’re going to be faithful to her and you both agree to these terms, then be faithful. Break up with her before you cheat on her.

But if you’re single, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with seeing multiple women. In fact, it can be a good thing.

I mean, would you buy the first shirt you try on in a store, or would you try on different ones to see which fit best? So, how are you supposed to find a woman who’s right for you if you get into a monogamous relationship with the first woman you sleep with?

Now, the big question is this. HOW do you be honest with a woman that you’re sleeping with other women in a way that doesn’t turn her off?

Excellent question.

And let me just say right here that… not every girl is gonna love the idea. That’s okay. But you’ll be surprised how many girls will be totally okay with it. To make her feel comfortable with it, there’s definitely a right way and a wrong way to go about it.

Believe me, I’ve done the wrong way many times. So, learn from my mistakes. I’m gonna give you six steps to follow. By the way, I learned these from Brad P and Joshua Pellicier, and have field tested them myself. They work.

STEP #1. SOW THE SEED.

Sow the seed in the first ten to fifteen minutes of meeting her. You’ve got a few ways to do this.

Option #1: Banter. Joke about how you’ve got a lot of girlfriends. Or if she’s grabbing at you, tell her to take a number. Or if she says something you like, tell her you’re going to make her your Tuesday girlfriend and if she’s good, you’ll make her your Friday girlfriend (where the real fun is). Come up with your own stuff if you’d like. But play the role of a guy who’s got lots of girls in his life.

She’ll get the message on a subconscious level. Like the old adage goes, jokes have a kernel of truth.

Option #2: Tell stories. You can tell stories about how you’re from out of town, or you can tell an embarrassing story about how you’ve got girls fighting over you (see “Wrong Number” story under the “Funny Stories” section of  “My Routines Collection” for an example).

Option #3. Tell her you’re polyamorous. (credit: Joshua Pellicier) This is probably the best way to go, because it’s the most upfront. No gray areas here. Here’s an example of how that exchange might go:

  • You: “How did your last relationship end?”
  • She: “Oh, he was jealous. It ended. Whatever.”
  • You: “I don’t have that problem anymore because I changed something about the way I’m in relationships now. But yeah… I remember what that was like and it completely sucks!”
  • She: Talks about jealousy, fear, lying, apathy, or selfishness.
  • You: “You know that doesn’t happen in a polyamorous relationship. Have you ever considered just being polyamorous with guys that make you feel that way?”
  • She: “What is polyamory?”
  • You: “Poly means many and amor means love, so polyamory means lots of loves. I have many girlfriends at the same time. They’re free to date who they want, too. And if a girl’s not comfortable with it, I don’t date her. But they all know about each other ahead of time.”

If she’s not cool with it, then you don’t date her.

STEP #2. ANSWER OBJECTIONS.

Here’s some objections you might get and how to handle them. Again, credit goes to Joshua Pellicer for this.

Objection #1: “I could never do that.”

Response: “Hey, it’s not for everyone. But if you ever meet a guy who’s good at it, I highly suggest you try it out. It’s an amazing experience because there’s no relationship drama. A lot of the girls who are dating me are doing it for the first time, and love it. Not a lot of guys know how to do it right, but if you ever run into another one, try it out. It’s fun.”

She: “Okay, yeah, I’ll try that out”

Objection #2: “Are you sleeping with all of them?”

Response: “Well, yeah, most of them. I mean I’m not going to deprive them of sex. But we also have a 100% protection rule. We always use protection. But, yeah, I’m sleeping with most of them.”

Objection #3: “What kind of girl would actually do that?”

Response: “Girls like you that are confident. They’re trying it out for the first time, and are completely comfortable with it.”

Objection #4: “Do they all know about each other?”

Response: “Absolutely. If she’s not comfortable with it, then I don’t date her. I don’t sleep with her, nothing.”

Objection #5: “So you’re cheating then?”

Response: “No. All the girls all know about each other. And they’re all cool with it. You can’t cheat. Everyone is open about seeing other people, so there’s no cheating.”

Objection #6: “So you never want to get married?”

Response: “I definitely do. I’m in a dating phase of my life. But someday I hope I get married. And someday they’ll probably get married and I hope that for them. They’ll leave and that’s okay.”

Objection #7: “What kind of girls are these girls?”

Response: “They’re from all walks of life. There’s a girl who’s from Thailand. There’s a girl who’s studying to become a CNA. There’s a girl who’s a waitress. There’s a girl who’s a real estate agent. There’s a girl who works in a bookstore. There’s a girl who’s a stripper, a hippie, and a teacher. ”

If you don’t have any girlfriends, you can say: “I’m not sleeping with all of them”… and “The girls I’ve dated in the past are from all walks of life.”

STEP 3. ESCALATE QUICKLY. Escalate physically quickly, touching often. Act the role of a seducer, not someone who’s courting her.

But when you escalate, remember to push her away, too. This creates sexual tension. Pull her in and push her away. Logic goes out the door for her. All that’s on her mind is… yum.

STEP 4. REINFORCEMENT.

This step is all-important. Women will believe your actions more than your words. If you say you don’t want a relationship, but then ACT like you’re in a relationship, she’s not going to believe your words. More important than talking about it is ACTING it.

What does that mean?

  • Don’t buy her dinners or do other “courting” behaviors before you sleep with her.
  • Don’t sleep with her more than twice a week.
  • Don’t call her more than twice a week.
  • Don’t email her more than four times a week.

These are guidelines I’ve picked up from Brad P that I’ve been found to be solid.

The more often you see a woman in a week, the more she’ll think she’s your girlfriend even if you say you don’t want one. But the less contact you have with her in a week, the more she’ll believe your words.

Here’s four other reinforcement techniques you can use that I picked up from Pellicier.

#1. Ask her opinion of other girls: “What do you think about that girl?”

#2. Fish for jealousy: “That girl is hot.” If she get jealous, bad sign. She won’t be okay with you sleeping with other girls.

#3. Don’t be available: “Hey, I won’t be available to hang out until Thursday.” If she ever asks you to cancel plans, reinforce polyamory: “Remember this is a polyamorous relationship. I’m still here for you, but on my own terms.” If that doesn’t work, run. You’ve got a jealous girl on your hands.

#4. Don’t build rapport too fast: Get things sexual fast. THEN build rapport. Too much rapport before sex can lead to hurt feelings, confusion or anger. Keep the emotional connection mellow, until later.

STEP 5. SEX.

Give her an amazing sexual experience. Give her orgasms. And she’ll keep coming back for more.

And it’s courteous to sleep with her at least twice. It shows you cared about her experience.

STEP SIX. AFTER SEX.

It’s okay to cuddle and connect with her. But connect like a friend, not a boyfriend. Keep things light with some fun banter, or go into normal conversation or light rapport, not the deep rapport.

DON’T make any plans with her. She can tell you about her problems, ask advice, share what’s going on in her life… but if she starts to talk future stuff, cut it off. Reinforce this relationship is polyamorous.

If you can, let her stay. Have breakfast. If she needs a ride, give her one.

But once she leaves, keep up the search. Don’t get too attached to one person, unless you want a monogamous relationship.

Okay, so those are the six steps.

Pick a way to sow the seed from Step #1 and incorporate it into your stack. Next time you go out, sow the seed within ten minutes. Believe in your bones you’re a catch. Act the part of a man women want. She’ll believe it on an emotional level and she’ll feel attraction. Acting the part of a man with an abundance of women in his life happens to also be THE critical piece to attracting women.

Every man should go through this experience. It raises your confidence and I’ve personally learned so much about myself and about women going through it. Also, when you do find that one good woman, it makes monogamy that much sweeter.

Just remember, when you do go through this, do it in a way that always leaves a woman better off than when you first met her.

 
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Posted by on November 10, 2012 in Home, Polyamory

 

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How to Keep a Relationship Alive

14 Oct

I was listening to a David DeAngelo interview with a guy named Gay Hendricks about what makes a successful relationship.

Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks

Gay Hendricks is a psychologist with a PhD from Standford. He’s written a lot of books on the subject of relationships and the mind-body connection. 25 of those books were written with his wife, who’s also a psychologist. They got some acclaim when Oprah featured them together on her show. And ever heard of the underground classic “Radical Honesty“? He helped Brad Blanton publish that book. But his best credential is probably that he’s been married for like 30 years and he and his wife are still in love.

His take was it takes 3 things to keep a relationship alive.

1. Complete and total honesty. Most of us humans walk around the world deceiving others and deceiving ourselves. If you’re completely honest with her, and she’s honest with you, neither of you hide. Instead, you allow yourself to be seen completely. Transparent. That’s how you get intimacy. And that’s how you get communication.

2. Take responsibility for your own actions. We humans are also quick to criticize, point the finger and find fault with each other. We do all that before we look at ourselves and see our part in things. It always takes two to tango. If something goes awry, it’s not that she’s a bitch. You had your part to play in things. Before blaming or criticizing, look to yourself first and learn what you could have done better. She must do the same. This creates a positive environment, not a negative one. Who wants to be in a negative environment? Create a positive environment. Don’t criticize. Rather, see her good, and take responsibility for yourself.

3. Have your own life, and always seek to grow. A good relationship is one where both people can develop as human beings. Seek to grow continuously, and find a woman who wants to grow and develop herself continuously, too. Otherwise the relationship will become co-dependent and will choke you and her. Love your woman, but love her second. Don’t make your relationship #1. She’ll feel smothered. Make your deepest purpose in life #1.

4. I’d add a fourth thing: sex. Woody Allen said it best: “once the sex goes, the whole relationship goes.” Without sex, what do you have? Exactly. A friendship. Sex is a super-glue. It keeps a couple together, and it keeps the passion alive. Sex is communication. It creates physical intimacy and unity that words alone can never accomplish.

A lot of people when they get into a relationship, think all the work’s been done. Why put the effort in anymore? They stop stop looking or being their best, most attractive selves. Everything you did to win your woman by putting your best foot forward, NEVER STOP DOING.

Keep creating sexual tension, keep being interesting and being the man, have a life outside the relationship, and don’t ever stop being that obnoxious couple. Once you stop, that’s when the relationship goes south. Keep creating those wonderful feelings you felt at the beginning of a relationship. And keep seeing the best in her.

The poet-artist Kahlil Gibran

Kahlil Gibran, Lebonese Poet & Artist, 1883 – 1931

talks about relationship and space in the chapter “On Marriage” in his book “The Prophet.” Here marriage refers to relationships, too:

Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillar of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadows.

Painting by Kahlil Gibran

 

 
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Posted by on October 14, 2012 in Home, Relationship Maintenance

 

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“How to Breakup” by Neil Strauss

11 Sep


Here’s an article Neil Strauss wrote. It’s from his website www.neilstrauss.com. Through his experience he found there’s one, and only one, way to breakup. It’s so excellent I posted it verbatim below. He wrote it July 1, 2011:

How to Breakup

A few weeks ago, in the Comments section, I promised to write a full post on how to break up with a girlfriend or boyfriend.

After learning The Game, I became great at getting into relationships. But I never learned how to get out of them. As a result, I ended up spending as long trying to get out of some relationships as I actually spent in them. A few of these situations became ugly: I remember a cast member of The Pick-Up Artist driving me to an ex-girlfriend’s house who was drunk, had a gun in her hand, and was threatening to kill herself.

So, through trial and error—mostly error—I came to learn that there is one, and only one, way to break up. This doesn’t mean that there will be no tears and no pain, but it does guarantee there will be less than any other method.

Step One

Be Decisive: A lot of people are wishy-washy about ending a relationship. They think they want to break up, then as soon as there’s a little distance or drama or a bad date, they panic, worry that they made a mistake, and get back together again. This can drag on for months, sometimes years. So, first, make sure this is something you really want to do, that this really is the wrong person or relationship for you or that this person is psychologically incapable of having a healthy relationship.

Step Two

Communicate Directly and In Person: Next, sit down with them in person. I advise listing their good qualities first to them, not because you need to build up their self-esteem, but because they’re probably going to know what’s coming after you say the word “but” and this gives them a little time to prepare themselves emotionally. Even if it isn’t a shock to them—in fact, even if it’s something they want too–the human ego is such that being the person who breaks up is much easier than being the one broken up with. (At least initially, but more on that later.) Afterward, answer any and all questions as gently and honestly as possible. It’s okay if you shed some tears yourself in the process. This next point applies to a specific few of you, but, no, you are not allowed to have sex “one last time” after breaking up.

Step Three

Give A Grace Period: Tell your now-ex that you can’t see each other after today, but you will be available by phone or text any time he or she wants to call, to ask questions, or even to yell at you for the next week or two weeks. If you are living with the person, then obviously you will have to also allow a week or two for you or them to move out or find a new place. If one of you can avoid the house during this process, this is preferable. Either way, in this period, don’t be an asshole and start going on dates. You’ve waited this long; you can wait another week or two.

Step Four

End Communication: Explain also in your initial discussion that after the two-week grace period ends, then a no-contact rule will go into effect until you both have fully let go. Tell them that if they call or text after that, as hard as it’s going to be for you, you’re not going to respond so that you can allow yourself and her to move on. Remember that every time you communicate with an ex in the throes of a breakup, it resets the clock on their (and often your) recovery time.

Step Five

Stick To It: This is the most difficult part of the whole process. Often, even if you want them to leave, as soon as they actually move on—not just leave, but stop having strong feelings for you—most people experience the pain and separation anxiety of the loss. This is when many people get weak, start to obsess about the person they broke up with, and try to win them back. (Men tend to do this more than women—my pet theory is that it equates in the subconscious to the fear of losing one’s mother’s love as a child). Some people like to repeat the words of the Sting song in their head: “If you love someone, set them free.”

In addition, not only are you not allowed to have direct communication at this stage, but passive contact is also forbidden. This means, no checking their Facebook and Twitter feeds or profiles. It’s always best that neither of you knows what the other is doing: don’t be an emotional masochist.

Step Six

Be Aware of the Process: According to the Kubler-Ross model of grief, expect the person to go through the following stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. For most people, the bargaining phase is the most difficult to not give in to: often, the other person will invent some highly plausible pretext (something they left at your house, important work advice they need, etc.) to talk to you again. Stay steadfast, and if it’s something they absolutely need or can’t figure out without you, determine a way for them to get it that doesn’t involve either of you speaking or seeing each other.

Step Seven

Move On: First of all, not everyone is capable or wants to be friends with their ex’s. But when is it right to get back in contact with an ex if you do want to be friends with them? There are different theories on this: some say when you’re both in a new relationship, others say it takes half the time you dated someone to get over them. But the right time is simply when you stop thinking about when the right time is to get in contact with them—and so do they. The right time is when neither of you has anything you need, want, or expect emotionally from the other person. Then, for the first time, when a real friendship develops, you can both honestly accept and express your responsibility for what went wrong in the relationship, rather than blaming the other person.

– Neil Strauss

 
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Posted by on September 11, 2012 in Breaking Up, Home

 

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Dealing with Conflict: “Praise, Correct, Praise”

31 Aug

This insight was a game changer for me. I learned it during a seminar at my Venusian Arts Coaching Training Program.

The idea is simple. Instead of out right criticizing someone, follow this “formula” instead.

First, praise. Sincerely. That means finding a positive detail about someone and praising it. A generic “yeah, yeah that’s good” won’t cut it. An honest-to-God detail you saw that you truly admired will. What if you can’t find a good detail? You CAN. There’s ALWAYS good to be found.

Second, correct. Now you can point out what it is that could be improved on.

Finally, praise again. Don’t end on a negative note. End on a positive note.

Most people just out right criticize each other, and find fault, instead of considering how it might make that person feel. Outright criticism puts a person on the defensive, feeds arguments, hurts feelings, and just plain breeds negativity.

But if you find the good in a person–genuinely–then gently point out what could be “corrected,” and finally emphasize the good again, it makes it more likely you or me or any one of us will listen to the “correction.” And, maybe best of all, it forces us to see the good (not just the bad) in each other.

Inevitably, we’ll have conflicts with our women. This technique is one great way to dealing with those. Agree or praise, then assert your view. Keep agreeing or praising, and gently asserting. It defuses negativity, allows a person to be “heard,” which in turn allows you to be heard.

In that way, it’s a great way of dealing not with just women, but with conflicts in general.

It’s easy just to tear down. But in the long run, it’s so much simpler to be on a person’s side.

credit: erospainter.com

 
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Posted by on August 31, 2012 in Home, Relationship Maintenance

 

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