…professor of psychology at UCLA, came up with the theory that there are three elements in communication: words, tone of voice, and non-verbal behavior including facial expressions, gestures, and posture. These are also known as the 3 “V”s: Verbal, Vocal, and Visual.
He conducted his study in 1967, and published articles in two journals, “Journal of Consulting Psychology” and “British Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology.” What he was referring to was communicating feelings and attitude, not content.
Words do communicate content better than body language. But in terms of feeling, if words disagreed with the tone of someone’s voice or posture, people tended to believe the non-verbal cues more than the words. Case in point:
• Verbal: “I’m being honest.”
• Non-verbal: person avoids eye contact, looks anxious, and has closed body language.
In his first article, he chose two words, “dear” and “terrible” and spoke these words in different tones to his subjects to see how important the meaning of the word was. He found voice tone to be more influential than the word itself.
In his second article, he dealt with facial expressions. He showed subjects black and white photographs of facial expressions and played a tape recording of voice tone saying the single word in different ways. The ratio he found between facial expressions to voice tone in importance of communication was 3:2.
When he combined the results of his two studies together, he came up with the now famous ratio that words were 7% of communication, voice tone 38%, and non-verbal cues 55%.
Later studies by other professors did away with tape recordings and photographs and included body posture and gestures. When body gestures were added with facial expressions as non-verbal behavior, the studies verified even further the importance of non-verbal cues.
His point was we communicate our feelings and attitude more through body language than through verbal language.
So, when approaching a woman, because women are so attuned to the emotional messages we convey, it’s important to know how we communicate to her through our body. Again, words definitely matter. It’s a myth to say that they don’t. But how we say the words or how we feel about them is the difference between seeing black and white words on a page, and seeing colorful words spoken with life and expression.
For example, take one of the most clichéd pickup lines: “Oh you’re so beautiful.” You can make it work, depending on how you say it. You can actually make the words MEAN completely different things, whether you say it in an angry tone,
or in a tone that objectifies her
or in a joking tone
or with complete sincerity.
She’ll feel whatever emotion lies behind the words and feel either drawn to it or turned off by it.
Again, this isn’t to say words don’t matter. They do. Words have the magic of creating a world, a reality, and a frame of mind. They mean something. But words are more important when communicating content.
When communicating the feeling inside, the body communicates this far more powerfully. For example, the words a professor uses to deliver a lecture are important, that’s how a student learns content. But a student gets a sense of how the professor feels about the content through his voice tone and non-verbal behavior.
This sheds light on how to think about body language. Body language isn’t just a set of gestures, facial expressions, and voice tones. Well, in a cultural sense it is. For example, make the “OK” sign in North America and it means “OK,” but in Turkey it means “gay man,” in France “worthless,” and in Japan “money.”
Or, in Saudi Arabia, men hold hands to show mutual respect, but in North America, that’s a sign of homosexuality.
But a smile, a surprised face, tears are non-verbal cues that cut across cultures.
Even cats and dogs express how they’re feeling through their bodies and understand us when we’re angry or affectionate without knowing our cultural words or body signs.
Aside from cultural signs, body language is the outer extension of what you’re feeling inside.
Feel insecure and your body will hunch over and your eyes will lower.
Feel confident and your body will stand tall and your eyes will look up.
Feel like you want to leave, and all of a sudden your body is pointing towards the door.
So, to get your body language right, one simple solution is to hold the right thought or feeling in your mind and body. Your body will naturally reflect that thought or feeling.
In turn, the woman you’re talking with will feel your feeling in her body. It’s like yawning. When someone yawns, other people yawn.
The other people who yawned second didn’t consciously decide to yawn. Their bodies felt the tiredness from the first person and in turn they felt tired. Likewise, a woman will feel the feeling you’re reflecting in your body in hers. She’ll feel your insecurity and she’ll want to get away without knowing exactly why. But if she feels your relaxed confidence and great mood, she’ll want to stick around to feel more of those wonderful feelings. In that sense body language can create some serious gut level attraction.
So, what’s the right feeling to hold in your mind and body?
Relaxation, baby! Burn that word into your mind. Relaxed. Anytime you’re wondering how to sit or stand or walk, think, “What would I do if I were feeling relaxed and comfortable?” Imagine you’re home by yourself and not self-conscious. That’s how your body should be. Forget you’re in a bar or club or in someone else’s place. Imagine you’re right at home, relaxed and comfortable. This will automatically come across as confidence.
The reverse is true, too. What I mean is if you’re feeling anxious, nervous, or insecure but you adopt the body language of relaxation and comfort, you’ll change your feeling from anxiety to comfort, confidence, and relaxation. That’s why below I’ll go over specific body language.
For now, do this little exercise. Put a smile on your face. It doesn’t have to be real. Now think of a traumatic experience while you’re smiling. Can you do it? You can’t! It’s actually impossible to feel a negative emotion, even if it’s a fake smile.
Same thing goes with a confident stance. If you stand confidently, you can no longer feel nervous. On the other hand, if you feel confident and you change your body posture to look insecure, suddenly you’ll feel insecure.
To me that says something very interesting about the mind-body connection problem in philosophy.
Mind and body are interconnected, they’re not separate phenomena. That’s a whole other very interesting story, though. Below are specific body language to practice.
Take up more space than usual. Sit back in your chair. And be asymmetric. Meaning your shoulders shouldn’t be square or symmetric but comfortably asymmetric. (credit: Lance Mason) If your shoulders are square you come across as proper and stiff, not comfortable. You’re in your home, remember?
All movements are at half-speed. And every movement has a deliberate purpose. Fidgeting is not moving with purpose. It’s a form of tension, not relaxation. When in doubt, stay still, calm, and collected. There’s no need to move when you don’t have to.
Stand up for a sec. Stand with your legs double shoulder width apart. Now, put all your weight on one leg. Slide the other leg to the leg with all the weight on it. Your feet should make an “L” shape. The foot of the leg with all the weight should point straight ahead and the other foot should form the L. If someone were to push you, you’d fall over. But that’s the point. You have no fear anyone’s going to push you over, because you’re fearless, because you own the room. More importantly, you’ll feel and look more comfortable in this stance. Standing like a box is a no-no. You’ll come across as stiff. Be asymmetric. Asymmetry = relaxed/natural. Think of the classical Greek sculptures that looked natural versus the Egyptian statues that looked rigid. The Greek statues had an asymmetric stance whereas the Egyptian had a square one.
Lean Back. Have Fat Joe’s song playing in the back of your mind: “Now lean back, lean back, lean back, lean back. I said my n*&$as don’t dance, See we just pull up the pants and Do the Roc-a-way, Now lean back, lean back, lean back, lean back.”
The great thing about this stance is it’s hard to lean in or move around unnecessarily. Stay still and composed.
When talking with a girl at first, have your body partly facing away from her.
It’ll make her feel more comfortable. It’s as if you could leave. You’re saying through your body, “I’m not going to entrap you and be here forever.”
By contrast, if you face her squarely it can feel confrontational. Don’t do this.
And don’t stand like this.
Stand WITH her, not one-on-one against her. Have your body face next to hers at an almost diagonal line. Bonus: you can get away standing closer to her, which makes it easier to kino.
Yet standing side by side makes her feel far more at ease.
Within a couple of minutes of the opener, lean your back against the bar or the wall or sit down–letting the set yon won’t stay long. Yet make yourself at home. When you’re leaned back, you look and feel more comfortable and confident.
Also, it looks as though the girl is hitting on YOU! Credit goes to Mystery for that.
Another great tip from Mystery: there’s no need to drink in a bar. In fact, drinking can put you at a disadvantage. Better to keep your mind clear and sharp.
If you do have a glass in your hand, keep it at your side, rather than by your chest. Keeping it by your side is relaxed. Keeping it close to your chest tense and defensive. In general, keep your hands by your side.
Hands by the side communicate openness, hands blocking the heart or belly is defensive. But if you’re leaned back, it naturally makes your hands feel comfortable too.
If you’re not leaned back yet and having your hands by your side feels uncomfortable, put your thumb and middle together, and it will make your hands feel more comfortable.
You can put your hands behind your back, too, which lifts up the chest and keeps your heart area open.
But the best rule about hands is put them where they feel most comfortable. Also, again, lean back and make yourself feel at home. Your hands will feel at home too.
SHOULDERS, CHEST, NECK, AND JAW:
Relax every part of your body.
Try this. Exhale a deep breath. Can you feel how relaxed every body part feels now? Remember that feeling and allow your body to feel this all the time, even in the most stressful situations.
Bonus: when your body is relaxed, your breathing deepens and your voice naturally deepens as well. And as we all know, Barry White is always a plus with women.
Here’s another exercise to maintain good body language. Lift up your shoulders. Now drop them and let them hang back.
Your shoulders should always be relaxed. When you’re in set or really when you’re talking to anyone, ask yourself, “are my shoulders relaxed?” and drop them back. Lance Mason once said that relaxing your shoulders takes care of relaxing so many other body parts. It naturally lifts the chest. It relaxes your neck. And, this is hugely important, it relaxes your jaw.
It’s impossible to seduce a woman when your jaw is tense. (credit: Lance Mason)
When you’re out with friends laughing and having a great time, your jaw will naturally relax.
And when your entire body is relaxed, she’ll relax herself. When she’s relaxed, now she’s in the mood to be seduced. Bonus: relaxing your body during sex allows you to last longer.
Walk SLOWLY, relaxed.
Normally people walk into a venue quickly, afraid, as if they don’t want to be seen, like they don’t belong. But let people check you out. You’re the shit. You’re fearless. Take your time when you walk, observe what’s going on, take in the scene. Think about how awesome you are, and how much you have to offer women. You’re in absolutely no rush at all. Keep your head up, shoulders back, chest up. Relax your face and beam. Smile. Lead with your hip area, which includes your sex, not your head. Think John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.
You’ll come across as sexually charged and confident.
OPEN BODY LANGUAGE VS. DEFENSIVE BODY LANGUAGE:
Defensive body language—crossed arms, hunched over.
Open body language—exposed chest and belly, erect, arms at the side comfortably.
Open body language is warm, welcoming, friendly, and relaxed. Defensive body language is tense. Take note.
The approach begins before you say your opening line. If your body language is insecure before you walk up to a group of women (or mixed group of men and women), your walk and your approach is going to flop, I guarantee it. But if your body language is slow and confident before you walk up, when you arrive, the set will pay attention.
Don’t walk toward the set in a straight line, because it will trigger their defensive shields. Instead, walk towards them in a semi-circle. It’s less confrontational and friendlier.
Mystery was the one who made a connection between the “The Horse Whisperer” and approaching women.
Like horses, women take on a “prey” role when they’re approached by us the “predator.” Of course, that’s the wrong way to think about approaching a woman, but that’s how it might feel to her. That’s why like horses, women tend to go out in “packs.” And why men often have no problem going out alone. Because, like horses, women want safety, comfort, and fun. They can find safety in those packs. So, just as a horse whisperer–sensitive to the horse’s need for safety–approaches a horse without barging in on him, so we guys must approach a woman in a non-predatory fashion. Walking towards her indirectly in semi-circle makes a woman feel more comfortable.
Now, if the set is standing in a circle, put your hand into the middle of the circle to get everyone’s attention. Yes, you’re going to interrupt them, and yes it may seem a bit rude at first. But if you’re smiling, being friendly, and adding value, people usually don’t mind.
Now step back to communicate you’re not a threat. Give them a second to size you up before you open your mouth. They literally won’t be able to hear a word you say until they have sized you up. If you allow them that second to see you, they’re more likely to pay attention to what you’re about to say. (credit: Lance Mason)
If there’s a guy in the set, talk to the guy first, and show him respect. As long as you show him respect, he has no reason to AMOG you. Same goes for the unattractive female friend. Talk to her first and give her as much attention and respect as your target. If you can win over the target’s friend, you’ve eliminated a potential cock block. In fact, she’ll give her friend to you. While you’re in set, make eye contact with each person, do not exclude anyone.
Within 3 minutes, lock into the set and make yourself comfortable. Lean back on a wall or sit down and lean back in the chair.
Also, feel free to move around within the set if you’re standing. You don’t have to stay in one place and be stuck. For instance, you could say “no way!” and back away. When a girl comes after you, she’s subtly chasing you. And when you talk with others, move over to them and talk from the side.
Strangers generally talk to each other from the front and friends talk to each other from the side, so talk to everyone from the side.
Give high fives, touch their arms, hug, put your arms around their shoulders for a sec. Then when you kino the target, she’s just another person in the set. The basic principle here is to treat your set as friends, not strangers.
GROOMING AND DRESS:
Grooming and dress is an extension of body language.
Make sure your nails are cut. Besides looking cleaner, when your nails are cut you’re less likely to hurt her while fingering her.
Make sure facial, nose, ear, and body hairs are under control, and it doesn’t hurt to trim the pubes. Make sure you’re showered, smell good, your teeth are brushed, and your breath is fresh. Mystery once said you could be the world’s greatest pickup artist, but if your breath is bad, you’re getting nowhere.
Fashion is a subject for another article, but suffice it to say that clothes are a language onto itself. Clothes can communicate your identity, how together your life is, your taste, how socially free you are, your social status, your sex appeal, and your masculinity. Be aware of the message you’re sending out with your clothes.
Relax, and speak slowly. You’ll come across as authoritative and in control. Enunciate, especially the finaL consonanT of your wordS. This makes it easier for people to understand you, especially in loud environments. Lower your voice, and use your diaphragm. Think Santa’s laugh “Ho Ho Ho!”
This will also make it easier to project your voice as if on stage. Be expressive and feel the words. Exaggerate the emotions if you have to.
Enthusiasm captivates. Vary the pace: talk slow in some parts, and fast in the exciting parts. Brad P once said there’s melody in the way we speak. When we speak we actually sing to each other. Make sure you’re singing to her. All this is possible when you slow down, relax, and enjoy what you’re talking about.
MASCULINE BODY LANGUAGE:
Relaxation is attractive because it sub-communicates confidence. It also comes across as masculine because you’re composed. This is an important point. When we emphasize our masculine traits in our body language we become more attractive to women. Here are some ways to bring out our masculinity:
Let her orient herself to you first.
If you’re both looking straight ahead, let her be the first one to turn her body to face yours. Let her show interest first, so she’s the one chasing you.
Don’t break eye contact first. Whoever breaks eye contact first communicates submissiveness. Since you’re the man, you need to be the stronger one. Let her break eye contact first.
Take the lead.
When walking somewhere, put your hand on the small of her back, and lead her.
There’s something about touching the small of a woman’s back that drives her crazy. You can take her hand and lead her, too. Pull her towards you. And during sex or when you’re cuddling, move her around to where you want her to be.
Protect her Physically.
Open doors for her and gently guide her in. Pull a chair out for her.
Help her with her coat.
Give her your jacket if she’s cold. Put your arm around her and hold her close.
Walk on the outside of the curb.
Put your body between her and any potential threats.
For example, if you’re walking by a sketchy guy or a big dog, or if a fight breaks out in a bar, stand between your girl and the threat. Take her away from danger. And don’t be afraid to help someone in need if you’re walking down the street on a date.
Obviously, don’t do this to impress her, but do it genuinely because you’re the type of man that looks out for other people.
The most important thing to keep in mind is to feel relaxed and great inside.
In the meantime, practice good body language until it becomes natural. For example, when you’re driving, ask yourself, do I look relaxed? When you’re in set, ask yourself, are my shoulders relaxed? How would I stand if we already knew each other? Am I leaned back and do I feel comfortable? Awareness of your body is a majority of the battle.
But whatever you do practice. And don’t just practice when you’re approaching the most beautiful women. Practice everyday throughout the day, at work, in the car, alone, with friends. Then when you’re around that woman of particular beauty, confident body language will be a natural.
Now you can sit back, relax, pay attention, listen, and let her come to you. The right body language will attract women, for sure.
But even better, it’ll change your inner-game.