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Opening DOs and DON’Ts

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Let’s talk about approaching women.

I’m not gonna lie. It’s hard. People are cynical of strangers striking up a friendly conversation with them. You could be the coolest guy in the world, but people (and women especially) assume the worst about you. And resist you.

You’re guilty before proven innocent.

But if you can slide this ENORMOUSLY heavy obstacle of the way… which you absolutely can… a lot of the pickup afterwards is cake.

Oh, and I wanna give credit where credit is due. Almost everything I’m about to share with you I learned from Mystery. And it’s highly effective.

Women are very rarely found alone. So, when you see a woman of particular beauty, a lot of times, we’ve got to approach her with a group of people around her. Get used to it. It’s just one of the facts of life.

I’ll tell you how NOT to approach.

“Excuse me, do you know what time it is?”

“Yeah, it’s 10:30.”

“Cool, thanks. So, where are you from?”

Now you’re trying to RE-ENGAGE her in conversation. And you’ve just revealed the fact that asking her for the time was in fact a farce. Every man should know by now that asking for the time leads to a dead end street.

“Excuse me. I’m sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if it would be okay if I asked you a question.”

That’s the vagrance opener.

DON’T excuse yourself.

DON’T tell them you already think of yourself as a bother.

And DON’T ask in order to ask.

Just go off into it.

Instead of opening with “Excuse me” say “Hey guys…”

By the way, there’s enormous power in the word “Hey.” Start your opener with that word. It gets attention in a fun way.

Also, DON’T just talk to the prettiest woman in the group. If you speak directly to her, you’ll alienate all her friends.

approaching people in bar 5

Instead, make eye contact with every person in the group. That’s how you keep their attention. If you give your attention to only one person, people get bored and start looking elsewhere.

Not only that, if you give all your attention to the prettiest woman her friends presume just by the fact that she’s beautiful and you’re a man that you’re after her. Their instinct will immediately be to protect her and eject you from the group.

You’ve got to immediately disqualify yourself from being considered a potential suitor. You’ve got to convey, “Look, I’m not after her. I’m just a social, friendly guy who enjoys meeting new people.” If you’re in a public gathering like a bar or lounge, it’s expected to be social and meet new people.

How do you convey all this?

Talk to everyone in the group EXCEPT the target. In fact, ignore her. When you do say something to her throw a neg or banter line at her. “I can already tell, this one is trouble.”

Okay, fine. But WHAT do you say to the group of people?

Skip all the polite formalities and dive straight into a story. Or start bantering. I prefer to start off with banter because it’s more interactive.

But let’s say you’re gonna stick with a story, what kind of story do you tell?

A funny one is great. A classic example is Mystery’s “Girl Fight” story. You can check that one out here. Begin with a question that hooks your audience. “Did you see the girl fight outside?” Then dive right into it. Also, check in with the group during the story with questions like “Isn’t that crazy?” or “Know what I mean?” to keep it interactive and make sure they’re with you still.

Have at least three stories ready to rock and roll each 15 seconds. But don’t finish them. Leave each story open so if you ever come to an awkward pause you can say “Where was I? Oh yeah…” and continue a previously opened thread.

Onward.

DON’T speak softly, quietly, mumble, or speak in a monotone voice. No one will hear a word you’re saying. And the group will shut you out.

Instead, speak loudly and slowly. You’ll appear confident and they’ll hear everything you say. Also, speak expressively and enthusiastically. They’ll feel it. Feel whatever you’re saying and express it. THAT’S engaging.

DON’T have a stone cold expression on your face.

If you were to turn to a person who’s approached you and he has that kind of hard, mean expression on your face, how would you respond? Defensive, right?

Now imagine you’re a woman and you’re being approached by a MAN who’s bigger and stronger than you with that cold expression. That’s a woman’s experience. Scary.

So, SMILE on the approach. It’s warm. It’s a ray of sunshine. Which melts ice away.

flirting-technique

Obviously, you don’t have to keep the stupid smile on your face. You’ll look cheesy. People will get the overwhelming feeling that you’re keeping shit from them. So, relax the smile after a few seconds.

DON’T lean in to the pretty girl. This telegraphs your interest. Plus she’ll start backing away from you. Counter-productive.

Instead, lean back. Make HER chase YOU.

In fact, when you open, open as if you’re walking past them. Let them know through your body language that you’re not going to stay there forever and ever. You’re on your way out.

DO throw in a false constraint. “I can only stay a second, my friends are here.” Word of warning. Never say “I can only stay a minute.” Guys will go “60, 59, 58…” just to screw with you.

DO have a “root,” or a reason why you’re talking to them. I got this concept from Neil Strauss and it’s huge. The group won’t be able to hear a word of what you’re saying until they know what it is you want from them. Your reason for talking to them?

If you deliver a direct opener, it’s because this girl caught your eye and you wanted to meet her.

If you deliver an indirect opener, it’s because you’re meeting new people. Or, if it’s an opinion opener, you want to get a female opinion. Then you’re leaving. But you can always say “Before I leave…” to keep yourself in there.

DO deliver a banter line within your first two sentences. MOST IMPORTANT! Laughter breaks the ice. And you don’t even need a story or a root or a false constraint. It disqualifies yourself as a potential suitor automatically yet creates sexual tension with her and gives value to the group instantly.

DO initiale kino right away. Tap an arm before you deliver a banter line. You’re a friendly person who has a lot of love to give. Strangers don’t touch. Friends do.

WHOOOOOA! That’s a lot of stuff. I know, I know. But it’s like driving a car. At first, there’s a lot of stuff to remember. But do it enough, it becomes a natural.

Here’s what you can do right now to make sure you approach in a way that melts the ice.

OPTION A, Beginning with a story/routine:

Step #1: Pick a root, a false time constraint, neg, and 3 brief (15-second) routines.

Step #2: Practice your delivery in the mirror. Make sure you smile, you’re expressive, open over the shoulder, and initiate kino. Practice interrupting your routine by opening another. I gave a word-for-word example of “multiple-threading” in my post: “DHV to the Group, NOT the Target.” Practice this at least 5x.

Step #3: Execute in field at least 5x. Each time you finish ask: “So, how do you know each other?” Then say “Pleasure meeting you.” If the conversation is going well, keep going. Don’t worry about getting a phone number, unless it genuinely comes up.

OPTION B, Beginning with Banter:

Step #1: Pick a Banter line

Step #2: Practice your delivery in the mirror. Make sure you smile, you’re expressive, open over the shoulder, and initiate kino. Practice this at least 5x.

Step #3: Execute in field at least 5x. Each time you finish, you can introduce yourself and ask: “So, how do you know each other?” Then say “Pleasure meeting you.” If the conversation is going well, keep going. No need to get a phone number, if you don’t want. You’re just practicing opening.

To simplify it even more, when you approach just give em “feeling good.” And if you practice, just that whole process, will change your life. It did for me. It will for you.

approaching People-at-bar

 
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Posted by on December 6, 2012 in A1 Opening, Home

 

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Starting Conversations with Women: Talk in Terms of HER

Arouse in her an eager want

Arouse in her a want

It’s scary to pick women up.

pickup girls at a club

Yep. Scary. Less scary if you know what to say, though. Photo Credit: http://www.collegecandy.com

What do you say? How do you avoid rejection?

The short answer is… talk about stuff she’d want to talk about.

Check out this story from Mystery.

PART ONE: Initiate an Interesting Topic of Conversation

Louie and Mystery are in a buffet restaurant eating, and 3 girls are eating at a table inconveniently 30 feet away from them.

So, they get some food and discuss a WAY IN. Louie comes up with an “ON THE FLY OPENER.”

He goes in and crash and burns. But, hey, we all gotta go through the pain of losing to start LEARNING and getting good. Right? And we can learn something from what he did.

So, this is what he did.

He carries some cookies to the girls and says:

Louie: Do you have any idea how I can secretly sneak out 16 cookies from this place without getting caught?

Girl #1: Put them in your hood.

Louie: I could do that by throwing them into the air and catching them… cha ching!

Have no idea what that means, but points for being kinda unique.

Then he fucks it up by sitting with them. This makes the girls feel invaded and uncomfortable, because… and here’s the key… he had not yet initiated an interesting topic of conversation, so that they would WANT him there.

But hey, the dude TRIED. Major points for that.

Again, he failed to initiate an INTERESTING TOPIC OF CONVERSATION. Lesson: Before approaching chicks, have an interesting topic of conversation ready to engage them.

Okay, fine. What exactly is an “INTERESTING” topic of conversation?

Excellent question.

PART TWO: Talk about stuff SHE’D like to talk about

People don’t care about what you want. People care about what THEY want.

Don’t worry about getting her to like you. See something good about her, and point this out. Like her first. Talk about her favorite subject. HER.

Think in terms of her point of view, and talk about things from this angle.

The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. Rare is the guy who approaches a woman and talks in terms of THEM, and gives them FEELING GOOD. This guy is so rare, that he’ll stand out. She’ll stop, and take notice.

By talking in terms in her, you’ll arouse in her a want. She’ll want to talk.

Also, being enthusiastic arouses a want in others to talk as well. People connect with that emotion. That’s a cool emotion to connect with, especially for a woman you’d like to get to know better.

Henry Ford:

“If there’s any one secret to success it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle, as well as from your own.”

1. Talk about stuff that SHE’D like to talk about.

2. Be enthusiastic and fascinated. She’ll enjoy talking with you because of how you make her FEEL.

3. Share some insight into who she is. All of us humans enjoy learning, especially if it gives us some insight into who we are.

Talk in terms of her. You’ll arouse in her a want. That’s all you need.

PART THREE: Chick Crack

Here’s some possible topics you can open with.

By the way, this is why Style’s and Mystery’s routines work so well. They were based on the principle of TALKING IN TERMS OF HER.

You only have to pick one or two topics below.

I. Self-Disclose

A. Your Passion

  • My most successful conversation starter was telling a girl straight out that my passion is writing. Benefits: a) She knows who she’s talking with. b) Passion is a feeling everyone can relate to. c) Afterwards, I get to ask what HER passion is. This is what I really care about. I wanna know who this chick is.

B. A Funny or Embarrassing Story

  • Cosmo has an entire column called “Confessions,” which is all about embarrassing moments. What does that tell you? A funny embarrassing story makes her laugh, and shows your human side. (examples: “The W,” “Two Girls Fighting Outside”)

C. Enthusiastic News that would excite HER

  • Article you just read that’s girl-relevant… maybe a new take on cheating, or how girls think
  • Great thing that just happened to you… maybe you just got promoted
  • Cool movie or concert you just saw… maybe you just saw Avengers
  • Cool fact or discovery (like of Google Earth) that totally FASCINATED you

II. “Who You Are” Tests

(Shed some insight about who she is. And actually learn about her.)

A. Shorter Tests. First 2 minutes to “hook” the girl.

  • Make Observations about Her (“The Rings Routine” or “Best Friend’s Test” are examples and even Style’s “Eliciting Values” works here)
  • How Her… and Everyone else’s… Mind Works/NLP Discoveries (“Eye Accessing Cues” or Ross Jeffries’ “Blammo” pattern are examples)
  • Astrology (Ask “what’s your sign.” Have some knowledge about astrology.)

B. Longer Tests. After you’ve “hooked” her (to build comfort and rapport).

  • Palmistry (Brad P’s Palmistry Joke is great here. If you’ve got the patience to actually learn this stuff, good luck haha)
  • Handwriting Analysis, Tarot Card Reading
  • Others: The Cube, The 4 Question Psychological Test, Mystery’s “The Question Game,” Style’s “Secret Self”

III. Girl-Relevant Topics

A. Relationships

  • especially if there’s a lot of drama. Get a female perspective.

B. “Cute” stuff, like Animals and Children

  • Women when they see something small and cute always say: “That’s sooooooo cute!” I don’t understand it. I just go with it.

C. The Unknown

  • Magic, ghosts, the occult, the spiritual. Who isn’t FASCINATED by a little mystery?

D. Fashion

  • Tip: if you compliment her on her fashion, be specific. Insight is the difference between a generic compliment and a genuine one. Asking her for fashion advice works too.

E. Trends

  • Reality TV (i.e. The Bachelor or American Idol), celebrity gossip, pop-culture (movies, music).

So, those are some topics that might be interesting to HER.

PART FOUR: Before and After Starting a Conversation and “The Initial Benefit Statement”

BEFORE you initiate a topic of conversation, NEG HER.

For example you could say something as simple as, “I can already tell, you and I are NOT going to get along.” Laughter breaks the ice. But this special kind of FLIRTATIOUS laughter, creates all-important sexual tension. I’ve got more on this in my article “Flirting.”

AFTER initiating an interesting topic of conversation, ASK ABOUT HER.

This is so important. Don’t be the dancing monkey. Qualify her. It avoids you getting stuck, and moves the conversation forward.

Then when she answers your question, STATE YOUR INTEREST in her. Now she knows why you’re there. And close the deal. Easy cheesy.

By the way, what do the topics I listed above have in common?

They’re emotional. I mean you don’t have to exactly debate passion. That’d be ridiculous. It’s not factual or intellectual. It’s emotional.

And they have to do with HER. That’s exactly my point.

Instead of trying to “get” her, you’re “giving” value to her.

It’s like you’re saying, “Hey, here’s feeling good.” She can take it or leave it. You don’t care, you just wanted to spread some good feelings. Nice.

We usually think in terms of “me.” What I want. Wouldn’t you say it’s hard to bridge the gap to another person that way? Why not then think in terms of them? What they want. Imagine yourself in their shoes.

In sales, there’s something called the “Initial Benefit Statement.” It’s all about how you BENEFIT them. When you approach a prospective client, you must tell them

1. WHO YOU ARE

2. WHY YOU’RE THERE

3. WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR THEM

Do the SAME THING when starting conversations with women.

When you

1. NEG (MAKE HER LAUGH) = WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR THEM

2. DHV (INITIATE AN INTERESTING TOPIC OF CONVERSATION) = WHO YOU ARE

3. QUALIFY (ASK ABOUT HER AFTERWARDS) = WHY YOU’RE THERE

she’s enjoying herself, because really it’s all about her. She knows who she’s talking with. Then when you state your interest in her, she knows why you’re there.

So, have an interesting topic of discussion ready before you approach a girl. Talk in terms of her. Who cares about “getting”? Just give.

Ahhhhhh. The ice has melted. You didn’t try to “get” her. You were just giving to her.  Photo Credit: http://9ja-dejavu.blogspot.com/2012/03/signs-that-she-is-into-you.html

 
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Posted by on May 6, 2012 in A1 Opening, Home

 

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