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Category Archives: Monoamory

Swinging: A Relationship Spice

Two couples getting ready to swing

Two couples about to swap partners. Credit: thelostogle.com

Let’s talk about keeping a relationship alive.

I covered some of my favorite tips  in my article, “Keeping A Relationship Alive,” and “The 7 Rings of Desire,” but I wanna take all that a step further.

You only need two glues to keep a relationship together: communication and sex.

If there’s no communication, there’s isolation, and that’s the opposite of relation…ship. It’s a relation…shit. (Bah-boo-boo-ching. I’ll be here all night.)

And once the sex goes, what’ve you got left, but mere friendship?

Now, here’s the problem.

When it comes to having sex in a long-term relationship… We get into our little routines. We do the same moves over and over. We have sex in the same place time after time. After a while it gets boring. And you’re like, “sex again? Ugh.” Then you go whack it to some porn.

That’ll do wonders for your relationship. Not.

What’s the solution? Variety. If the problem is doing the same thing over and over, then the solution is to shake things up a little, right? Of course it is.

Well, what kind of stuff can I throw in there for variety’s sake?

You sure you wanna ask me that? Okay, bro. You asked for it. Here’s a quick list for starters:

  • Dirty talk
  • Dirty texts
  • Role Play
  • Getting her to pose for pics
  • Using the Remote Control Egg while out in Public
  • Spanking
  • Constraints
  • Sex toys
  • Hypnosis
  • Watch Porn Together
  • Entice, then Deny
  • Deeply Intimate Sex
  • Threesomes
  • Swinging

Swinging? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Before you get too crazy about the idea, let me just explain, all right?

WHY SWINGING

It used to be  monogamy was the “gold standard” of a loving relationship. It used to be that “opening the relationship” to other people would destroy the relationship. It used to be saying “I think we should see others” was code for let’s breakup.

Not anymore.

You’d be surprised how many happily committed couples swing. You’d be surprised at how not only does it NOT destroy their relationship, but it often brings them closer together.

‘Cause it takes trust. ‘Cause you go on an adventure TOGETHER. ‘Cause you learn to appreciate what you have even more.

But here’s the coolest part: you get to bring out your woman’s inner-slut.

Mm-hm. Oh, hell yeah.

Now by “slut” I don’t mean a woman who sleeps around.

I mean a woman who’s sexually uninhibited, adventurous, expressive, animalistic. EVERY woman has that sexual beast in them. It’s just that women don’t always get to bring her out to play too often.

Well, by leading her into new territories of sexual experience, you can help your woman awaken the full potential of her sexuality. And she’ll love you even MORE for it.

Nice, right?

So, let’s take a peek at swinging. As a way of keeping your relationship alive, and awakening your woman’s sexuality.

First, I’ll look inside the Swinger’s community. Then I’ll give you some tips in how to introduce your woman to it. Finally, I’ll give you a few quick etiquette tips during the whole swinging experience.

Sound good?

THE SWINGER COMMUNITY

First things first. The goal is not to gratify your own selfish desires. If you’re gonna swing, do it as something you and your girl do TOGETHER. Your goal is to enhance your relationship.

Okay with that important disclaimer out of the way, let’s get into the good stuff.

You’ll find most swingers are in their 30s and 40s. Yes, you’ll find swingers in their 20s, 50, 60s, too. But a lot of them are in that 30s-40s range. Most couples are married, with the guy being straight and the girl being bi, but you’ll find all sorts of variations.

There are three basic ways to meet other couples who swing: dances, on-premises clubs, or online ads. Let’s look at each.

1. The Dances

Swinger dances are filled with open bisexual behavior. Yet they consist entirely of couples. Here’s something else that’s funny. Every one of these dances admit single women, but very few allow single men. Isn’t that funny? It’s probably for good reason because check out what the dances are like…

Swinging Swingers-Clubs-in-Orlando

This took place in “The Legacy Club,” a swinger’s club in Orlando. Swinger’s clubs are filled with open sexual behavior, including between hot bisexual women. Sweet! Credit: lustwave.com

At these dances you’ll find two women going down on each other in a corner or women sucking another woman’s tits on the dance floor. Mwah-ha-ha (my evil laugh).

Some dances are held in the ballroom of a hotel so couples can reserve a hotel room that night.

Okay, so much for the dances. Here are what the on-premise clubs are like.

2. The On-Premise Clubs

Swinging SugarHouseDenver

I took this from “The Sugar House,” a swinger’s club in Denver, Colorado. Credit: sugarhousedenver.com

You’ll find rooms with one bed that have a door that locks. Oooor, rooms with many beds with no locks on the door. In other words, you’ll find private rooms or public rooms.

Why do they have bedrooms at the clubs?

Tee-hee. So, after you meet a couple you like, you can get down to business right there and then. Hahaha!

Can you imagine if all clubs had bedrooms in them for that reason? Wouldn’t that be glorious? Well these clubs do, which is just cool.

Anywho. There are two types of swaps: “full swap” and “soft swap.” Full swap is when couples have intercourse with each other’s spouses. Soft swap is when couples do everything with each other’s spouses except intercourse.

The cool thing about either one these clubs or dances is you don’t have to seduce the other woman. All you have to do is be cool, fun, and relatively attractive. You don’t really need game. All you have to do is eliminate the couples who are there only for a soft swap (if what you’re after is the full swap, of course).

The downside to this no-need-for-game is swingers can be superficial. Couples often choose each for how physically attractive you and your girl are. It’s not based on emotional connection or personal qualities.

And it’s the girls who tend to be the picky ones. The guys usually go along with whatever.

Okay, you’re probably wondering by now, “How do you find these dances and clubs?”

Just put in a search the on web for dances and clubs in your area. Go to them. Meet the people there. As they get to know you, they’ll invite you to large, unadvertised dances or parties where beautiful swingers go.

You’re in.

3. Online Ads

Finally, you can search online ads like this www.swinger-nation.ie for other couples who swing.

All you do here is exchange pictures and emails with another couple. You then agree to meet up at a local bar for drinks. You spend maybe a half hour or so talking. That’s all you need before it’s time to get down to business.

Kinda cool as to how there’s no need for games and stuff like that, right? Swingers are very okay with sex already, they want it, it’s already on the table, so there’s no need to pretend and beat around the bush.

Cool, fine, whatever. But HOW do you get your girl to swing?

Ah, the million-dollar question. Let’s talk about that now. That last one would take a whole other article itself to breakdown.

HOW TO GET YOUR GIRL TO SWING

From David Shade, I learned there are three ways to do it. One of them is advanced. Here they are:

1) Tell her three fantasy-stories. Make one about swinging, and see how she responds.

2) Just tell her you’re going to take her to a swinger’s dance.

3) Have a threesome with your girl first, then take her to a Swinger’s dance.

Let’s just focus on the first two.

1. Tell her three fantasy stories

It’s night, you’re in bed with your girl, you kiss her up, get her in the mood. You don’t stick it in yet, though. Stop and tell her it’s “Story-Time”:

You: “Hey baby, I’ve written three fantasies for you. I wanna read them to you.”

Her: “Okay!”

Read the fantasies aloud to her, if you’ve written them out ahead of time. I means wou don’t have to write them out ahead of time, if you don’t want. You can just tell her three fantasies.

Make the FIRST FANTASY about something you know already excites her. Maybe it involves a movie star she likes. Maybe it involves getting massaged and given a bath before sex. Maybe it involves getting ravished by a shadowy stranger in an alleyway. Whatever. Just make it about something she’s already excited about. And feel free to use hypothetical people.

Make the SECOND FANTASY about a threesome. Again, feel free to use hypothetical people. But whatever you do, make sure to set the fantasy up like it’s a story.

It’s funny because when you compare romance novels and female erotica with porn, you’ll see in “female porn” there’s an actual story with characters. In other words, they don’t go straight to the sex. The sex scenes are built up to, with a story.

So, follow suit. In your fantasy, set up the threesome with characters. Tell a  story about how a threesome would happen. Describe the threesome in a way that would excite the hell out of her with the forbidden, with resistance, with anticipation. What I’m trying to say is don’t make it just about the deed, include lots of buildup.

If you’re drawing a blank on stories to tell her, here’re some books I refer to for ideas:

  • “My Secret Garden” by Nancy Friday
  • “Private Thoughts” by Wendy Maltz and Suzie Boss
  • “To Turn You On” by J. Aphrodite.

Hell, you could probably ready one of these fantasies for her. There are threesome stories in there. Reading one of those would do the trick, too.

If you don’t want to buy one of those books (I’d highly recommend you invest in one because it goes a long way in helping a guys understand how to turn women on), you could even put a search on the web for “female fantasies.” There’s plenty out there for free. Here’s a great resource right here.

Make the THIRD FANTASY about a man who brings home another man to help him double penetrate his girl.

After you’ve read/told her the three fantasies, polish the night off with some AWESOME sex.

At a later time (could be that night or the next day), ask her what she thought of the three fantasies. When she mentions the   double penetration one, tell her:

“I think that would be exciting in the context of a secure relationship. There would be no jealousy. It would be about giving you amazing pleasure and making the relationship even more exciting.”

You’ve planted the seed.

On another night, do ANOTHER “Story-Time.” Tell her THESE three fantasies:

The FIRST about a threesome, the SECOND about double penetration, the THIRD about spouse-swapping.  And, of course, polish off the night with great sex.

Discuss the fantasies that night or the next day. When she mentions the spouse-swapping one, talk about how that would be exciting within the context of a secure relationship, too. Especially if it’s done as something that would bring the two of you closer together. Emphasize that. That’s it’d be something that would bring a couple closer together.

When she agrees, put in a search on the web for swinger dances clubs in your area, or search online ads. Then tell her you’re going to take her to a swinger’s club or meet a couple.

Yes, you might get objections. I’ll talk about that under the next option.

2. Just tell her you’re going to take her to a Swinger’s Dance

The second option is a little more direct.

Search swinger clubs or online ads in your area. Find something you like. Then say to her:

“Hey, I’m taking you to a swinger’s night this Saturday night. It’ll be awesome. We’ll just watch for a little bit. And you can decide if you want to stay longer.”

Bam, done.

Well, maybe not quite done. She’ll probably bring up some objections like: the people in the community are unattractive and skanky. Or, it might destroy the relationship.

As for the first concern, there are MANY attractive people in the swinger community. And lots of hot, bisexual women. That right there will probably be the biggest draw for a woman.

How?

Because about one-third of women admit they’re bisexual, one-third are secretly open to the idea, and one-third would try it but they have a dogmatic social stigma against it. Women simply find other women attractive. This might be her chance she’s always wanted to try.

As for the second objection, make sure she understands it will be done in the context of a secure relationship. It’s meant to be done TOGETHER. It’s to meant to add enjoyment to your already wonderful sex life, and to bring you two other closer together. No jealousy. She’s always #1. And if it any time she feels uncomfortable, let her know you’ll stop.

For example, the dialogue might look something like this (credit goes to David Shade in  “Bring Out Her Inner Slut”):

You: “This Saturday I’m taking you to a Swinger’s club.”

Her: “What? Why?”

You: “I’ve always been curious about the swinger community, and I want to learn about it. We’ll watch and you decide if you wanna stay longer or not.”

Her: “Why do you want to learn about swingers?”

You: “I’m curious about why they swing.”

Her: “They’re probably all swanky.”

You: “From what I’ve heard, many of them are attractive. And all the women are bisexual.”

Her: “So you want us to get into swinging?”

You: “I’m not saying I want us to get into swinging. I’m just curious about the community, and want to learn about it.”

Her: “Are you not happy with me?”

You: “Of course I’m happy with you. I love you. I love having sex with you, and you’re the most beautiful woman in the world to me. But you know me. I’m also always looking for ways to enhance our relationship. It’s just an experiment. It”ll only be for us and to bring us closer together. You’re always number one. And if at any point you don’t like it, we’ll stop.”

Her: “If we do this, I don’t want you kissing another woman on the mouth.”

You: “Fair.”

Her: “Okay. Fine. I’ll try it just once…”

I’ve gotta tell you… Don’t be surprised if she becomes VERY enthusiastic about it. Haha

Okay, once your girl’s ready to rock n roll, let me give you a few etiquette tips once it’s time to get down to business…

SOME ETIQUETTE TIPS WHEN IT COMES TIME TO SWING

1. Before The Deed:

  • BE GROOMED. The better looking you and your girl are, the more couples will be interested in you. How can we guys become more attractive? We can bump ourselves up on the attractiveness scale (let’s say from a “5” to a “7”) just by being groomed. That means no stragglers hanging from the nose. Showered. Shaved. Dressed well. Smelling good.
  • BE COOL. You don’t have to seduce the other woman. And DEFINITELY don’t be pushy. Just be cool. What do I mean by that? Have social graces. By “social graces” I mean you make eye contact (shows honesty), you listen and ask about them (don’t hog the conversation), you’re fun, playful (see my article “Flirting” for more on this), and you’ve got interesting things to talk about (even though this article about conversation is on pickup, it covers basics of good conversation… talking in terms of them). Just be likable, fun, “normal.” You’re in.
  • BE THE GUY’S BEST BUDDY. You’re going to be fucking his wife. He’s gotta be able to trust you. So, show him respect. And bond with him.

2. During The Deed:

  • TAKE THE LEAD. When it comes time to do the deed, people get hesitant. Who will make the first move? I’ll tell you, women don’t like to. And the other guy might not know how. So, take the lead. How? First, instruct the girls to kiss. After they’ve done that for a while, instruct them to strip and eat each other out. Sit back and enjoy the show with the guy. Soon, the girls will be ready for cock and will want you guys to join in. WARNING: Just because they’re swingers doesn’t meant they’re the world’s greatest lovers. All the more reason to take the lead.
  • MAKE YOUR GIRL #1. Include your woman in everything you do. If she’s ever feeling uncomfortable, stop. It’s not about getting your rocks off. It’s about enhancing your relationship with her. If you’ve set rules ahead of time (maybe she doesn’t want you to come in the other woman), make sure you abide by them. Always make sure she’s cool, first.

3. After the Deed:

  • NO CUDDLING WITH THE OTHER WOMAN. This goes with “Make Your Girl #1.” No cuddling or emotional bonding with the other woman. That will cause jealousy. Swap wives, tell the couple it was nice meeting them afterward, maybe even talk for a few minutes. Then leave. No emotional drama. The lack of clinginess and emotional drama is actually a breath of fresh air.

CONCLUSION

If you’re gonna swing, remember these three important points:

  • Women are highly sexual and this can bring her sexuality out even more.
  • Take the lead.
  • It’s about enhancing your relationship and expanding her sexual experience.

Swinging is a shit-load of fun. It can truly bring you two closer together. It will definitely add variety and spice to your sex life. And it can bring out the love and appreciation you two have for each other even more.

swinging two couples-good-thing -270

Swinging couples enjoying some time together. Credit: momlogic.com

 
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Posted by on January 1, 2014 in Home, Monoamory, Polyamory

 

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The 7 Rings of Desire

Here’s another great insight about relationship maintenance. Comes from Sherrie Rose.

Sherrie Rose, The Self-Proclaimed Love Linguist

Sherrie Rose, The Self-Proclaimed Love Linguist

She came up with the concept of a “Love Bucket.”

Sherrie Rose's "Love Bucket"

Sherrie Rose’s “Love Bucket”

Her idea: Every woman desires 7 things to feel happy in a relationship. You don’t need to meet all 7.  Just find the 3 – 5 most important to her and meet  those.

If you do this, you’ll raise her femininity, and she won’t want to leave you. You’ll get respect from her, intimacy, more freedom, admiration, she’ll support you on your terms, and love.

I came across Sherrie, again, through DeAngelo’s Interviews With Dating Gurus series. When I had first heard it, it had helped me understand what I did wrong and right in my relationships.

Let me just say here at the outset, these apply to when you’re in a monogamous relationship… and you want to keep it alive. Before you get into a relationship, though, it’s important to create attraction. That’s where game comes in. You know, being a challenge. I wrote a post about that called: “Game.” Check it out, if you’d like.

In the meantime, here are the 7 rings:

  1. Sex: Give her sex and orgasms.
  2. Contact:  a) Physical Contact, like: hugs, caresses, hold hands. b) Non-Physical Proximity Contact, like: phone, text, email.
  3. Recognition: Acknowledge her, appreciate her, compliment her, pay attention to her, see the good in her, find out what makes her tick, connect emotionally with her.
  4. Provisions: a) Provide for her financially. For example, paying for dinner. b) giving her gifts: flowers, jewelry, clothes. c) giving her exciting experiences: concerts, trip to the mountains, and so on
  5. Do For, like: a) doing a chore for her: taking out the trash, making a lunch for her, doing her laundry, making her dinner. b) using your talents to help her: fix things, fix software, read her manuscripts.
  6. Do With, like: a) doing day-today things together: shop together, wash dishes together. b) or doing core activities together: playing golf together, traveling together, going on dates together.
  7. Lifestyle: Having personal values in common and how you live together. For example, how you are in the home, with family. How you maintain your health, hygenie. What moral and spiritual values you have in common.

Of the 7, the two most crucial are probably sex and lifestyle. If the sex goes, the relationship goes.  And if you don’t have deepest values in common, it’s gonna be hard to see eye-to-eye and keep the relationship going.

Speaking of keeping the relationship going, Sherrie has another great concept called “Lovematism.”

Four Pistons of a Relationship: Connecting on the Physical, Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual Levels

Four Pistons of a Relationship: Connecting on the Physical, Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual Levels

She says it’s the basis for enduring love. Or, as she puts it, it’s “love on steroids.”

She said she came up with the concept when looking back on her best relationships. She realized she had felt connected with a man on four levels. Here they are:

  1. Sexual Magnetism of Body: attracted physically, sexual connection
  2. Mental Hypnotism of Mind: intellectual connection, attitude, confidence, how the person thinks
  3. Emotional Rhythm of Heart: Emotional connection, empathy, opening your heart to each other
  4. Spiritual Mysticism of Soul: spiritual beliefs in common, connecting on a spiritual level, do spiritual activities together.

They’re like four pistons of an engine. Never all up at the same time. But the more pistons you have working, the stronger the bond and love. Great concept to help understand the success of a relationship.

Finally, she argues there are 3 basic mind-states.

Three Mind-States: Base at the bottom, Conscious in the middle, Omni at the top.   Use the conscious level to lead your woman up to the omini level

Three Mind-Sets: Base Mindset (bottom), Conscious Mindset (middle), Omni Mindset (top).

Here they are:

  1. Base Mindset: Physical, survival drive. Drive for food, sex, safety. Where the emotions live. We spend most of our time here.
  2. Conscious Mindset: Where logic fits in. Stands outside of emotions to look at the bigger picture.
  3. Omni Mindset: Where logic and emotion integrate. Going beyond the “me” mode to serve a higher purpose. Where love and freedom live. What’s best for the greater good. The spiritual level.

She argues men tend to be more logical, women more emotional. Women can be logical too and men emotional. We all travel up and down the pyramid.

But she encourages men to be more logical, especially when a woman gets into the survival/emotional mode. We can direct them and help them back on track. You know, be that solid pillar for them. If we do this, she won’t derail us or work against us. Besides, taking the lead is attractive for her. Cause it’s masculine.

Speaking of taking the lead, she encourages us to take the lead in filling her love bucket, too. Fill hers first, and she’ll fill yours in return.

What happens when you make your woman happy

Filling her love bucket…

 
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Posted by on September 8, 2013 in Home, Monoamory, Relationship Maintenance

 

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20 Relationship Maintenance Tips

I found a fantastic link about relationship maintenance, and had to share it with you. It’s written by a man who just got divorced, and the lessons he learned. Here’s the link. And here’s a list of his 20 tips:


1) NEVER STOP COURTING/DATING

divorce advice


2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER BUT LOVE HER AS SHE IS.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY FOR YOUR EMOTIONS, IT’S NOT HER JOB TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

7) NEVER BLAME YOUR WIFE

8) BE SILLY

9) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY: ROMANCE HER, MAKE HER FEEL LIKE A QUEEN.

10) LEARN TO BE AN EPIC LOVER

11) BE PRESENT, 100% ATTENTION WHEN YOU’RE WITH HER.

12) TAKE HER SEXUALLY

13) DON’T BE AFRAID OF BEING AN IDIOT.

14) GIVE HER SPACE

15) BE VULNERABLE

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

Again, here’s the link if you wanna check out the full article.

 
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Posted by on September 1, 2013 in Monoamory, Relationship Maintenance

 

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