Summary This is a primer for guys on how to attract a beautiful woman. All the mistakes we guys make can be traced to one thing: not following the emotional progression a woman goes through before she wants to sleep with a guy.

As the saying goes, men are like fire: quick to ignite and quick to extinguish. Women are like water: slow to boil but keep on boiling. To boil the water we’ve got to attract her first. We’ve got to build comfort and trust, second. Only then will she be ready for us to seduce her, third.

Credit goes to Mystery Method for many of the insights in this article.

MISTAKE #1: Showing too much sexual interest, “The Creepy Guy”


A lot of guys make the mistake of showing sexual interest in a woman right off the bat.

A guy will say things like “You’re pretty,” or “You’ve got great tits,” or even “Let’s have sex.” I’ve even heard a guy pick up a girl with this: “I haven’t had sex in awhile. Could you do me a favor and just have sex with me?”

Weirdly, she said no. Haha.

Create a want in a woman first. In other words, attract a girl, first. If you get too sexual with a woman too soon, it’ll creep her out.

Well, how do you attract her?

  • Make her laugh with banter and negs.
  • Let her see your best qualities with DHVs (Demonstrations of Higher Value).
  • Learn about her by qualifying her.
  • Connect with her by spending time (4 – 10 hours, 7 hours on average) building comfort with her.

Do all those things in that order. Guess what? She’ll WANT more.

MISTAKE #2: Being too Nice, “The Nice Guy”



Another mistake guys make is being TOO nice. That is, not being a sexual threat at all. Let me give you three examples of this.

EXAMPLE #1: grilling her with with a million questions.

Why do we guys do this? Probably because we think it’ll show we’re not after her ass, and we want to get to know her as a person first.

That’s admirable, but there’s just one problem. If she’s not attracted FIRST, well, she won’t be attracted.

So, don’t open a girl by interviewing her: “So, where are you from?” “Do you come here often?” “What do you do for work?” These are factual questions and  most EVERY guy asks them. If you just wanna blend into the crowd, do this.

But if you don’t want to, share something cool about yourself before asking her a question. For example, share your passion in life. It’s a DHV and she’ll feel more comfortable sharing herself later.

EXAMPLE #2: buying her stuff like drinks, dinner, flowers, or gifts.

Why do we guys do this? Maybe because we think if we treat her nice, she’ll treat us nice. Makes logical sense, right?

One problem. It just doesn’t create attraction. Worse, it sets us up to getting taken advantage of later. Not fun.

Besides, how’s this different than PAYING for sex? You buy her dinner kinda hoping to get laid, right?

When it comes to buying her stuff, here’s the rule: don’t spend money on her until AFTER you’ve had sex. In other words attract her, first. Build comfort with her, second. Seduce her, third. Once you’ve had sex then it’s safe to take her out to dinner.

EXAMPLE #3: Showering chicks with compliments, telling her he’s in love with her way too soon, and generally kissing her ass.

Why do we guys do this? Again, I’d bet it’s because we think if we’re super-nice to a girl, she’ll be super-nice to us in return.

By now, you can probably see a theme. When guys are “nice” to women, they’re often expecting something in return. In other words, there’s an ulterior motive. It’s a subtle form of manipulation.

And women can smell this. It’s probably why it doesn’t attract them. That, and it’s submissive behavior.

Hey, it’s great to give, don’t get me wrong. All I’m saying is, give from a place of so much abundance, you give without needing anything in return.

Great, you might be saying. But again, HOW do I attract women first?

Be a sexual threat.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. But didn’t you just say, don’t show too much sexual interest at first?

Yes, I did. And you’re right. That’s why banter and negs are such beautiful things. These secret weapons make women laugh. And you know how much women hate to laugh.

Shyeah. And donkeys fly out of my butt.

Aaaaaaand these secret weapons allow a guy to be a sexual threat while not showing too much sexual interest. Cool, right?

Fine. HOW do you neg and banter?

Think of it this way. As play-fighting. Or, playful dominance. And having positive energy. In other words, leave behind the literal, factual world for the world of imagination. Literally, play another character.

David DeAngelo of “Double Your Dating” taught me something interesting about humor. He quoted Helitzer in “Comedy Writing Secrets” saying humor  comes more from the CHARACTER you play rather than the actual words you say.

Well, what character do I play?

A dominant man who has so many women in his life he’s the one who selects women. He doesn’t hope women select him. He knows he’s the man.

It’s the exact opposite attitude most other guys take. Most other guys think of themselves as the selectee who has to impress a woman to attract her.

No, no, no. The men who attract women turn that on its head. HE’S the selector. HE’S the prize. She gotta impress HIM. I mean, he’s got so many women, he’s gotta push her away.

Again, this is all done in the name of play. This isn’t done factually. In other words, take it to the absurd. Exaggerate it. It’s the exaggeration that makes it funny and makes chicks laugh.

Here’s the result. Instead of relating to a woman like she’s on a pedestal, you relate to her like you’re two kids playing in a sandbox.


It’ll be so unusual for her. She’ll be like, “Finally, a guy who sees beyond my mask!” It’ll make her relax. And you’ll stand out from the blur of men.

What’s even more gorgeous is… it creates SEXUAL TENSION.

Sexual tension.

Damn straight. You’re the selector, right? That means you’ve assumed a sexual/romantic context right off the bat.

And you’re pushing her away, right? That means you’ve created tension.

Sexual tension. Nice, right?

So, here’s the big takeaway.

Establish your dominance and your playful side FIRST. This attracts hot women. Once you’ve attracted her, treat her with all the kindness you want.

I’ll say it again. Be dominant first, Be able to put your foot down. Be kind, second. That’ll destroy all those “Mr. Nice Guy” mistakes.

But once you’ve attracted her with banter and laughter, anchor it with substance. That’s where DHV and comfort come in.

And skipping comfort’s the third mistake guys make.

MISTAKE #3: Not building comfort, “The Player”


The guy who attracts a woman first, but skips comfort, and goes straight for sex are the players. There are three BIG drawbacks with this.

  1. Buyer’s Remorse. If you rush a woman into sex, she may regret it after. So, avoid making out with her in a bar. Push her away when you kiss her for the first time: “We shouldn’t do this here.” This builds comfort, and makes her want more. Wait to arouse her in PRIVATE.
  1. She feels manipulated. When a woman shows interest in you, don’t go professing your undying love. QUALIFY her first. Ask: “Is there more to you than meets the eye?” Select her for what’s INSIDE, not what’s outside. Get to know her, let her get to know you. Then when you have sex it’s not because you wanted to get from her, it’s because you liked each other. After all, you don’t want just any girl. You want a QUALITY girl, right?
  1. Her guard comes up. You’ll make her feel more comfortable with you if you’ve spent between 4-10 hours (7 hours average) with her without trying to have sex with her. So, take her to different venues, get to know her as a person, laugh together, touch comfortably. By not pouncing, she’ll be more likely to pounce you. Oh yeah.

MISTAKE #4: Not Making Physical Contact, “The Friend Zone”


On the opposite end, if a man spends TOO much time in comfort, he may get stuck in the dreaded friend zone.


Why does this happen? Usually when a guy doesn’t touch and physically escalate a girl.

Why wouldn’t a guy touch a girl? Well, like the nice guy, he doesn’t want to “offend” her.

Exactly! That’s the problem. HOW do I touch her and NOT offend her?

By always touching her from the start… in a friendly way. Let me give you some examples:

When you first meet her and her friends: touch EVERYONE. High-fives, hugs, hand-shakes, arm taps. It’s friendly.

When you’re building comfort with her in “isolation”: touch her leg with yours. Hold her hand.

When you kiss her: brush a hair from her face, first. Or, tell her how wonderful she smells, and smell her. If she doesn’t flinch, green light. Kiss her! But make sure to break off the kiss first. Makes her want more.

The point is, touch! Touching ensures you’ll avoid getting the friend zone later.

MISTAKE #5: Not Creating Sexual Tension

A lot of guys think “just being myself” might attract a woman. “If I blab away with no direction and pray, maybe she’d like me magically.”

Uh, no.

You don’t have to blab away and pray. You can deliberately attract her.


By creating sexual tension.

How do I create sexual tension?

We already talked about banter. That’s one way. Here’s another.

For when you’ve got her in bed: go for one of her erogenous zones, but take a detour at the last second.


  • Going for a kiss, then not kissing her.
  • Smelling her, but not touching her.
  • Kissing her around her nipples, but not her actual nipple.
  • Licking her vaginal lips, but not her clit.
  • Putting the tip of your cock in, but not going in all the way.

The retreat creates TENSION. Tension’s the feeling of “what will happen next?” It keeps her on the edge of seat. Keeps her guessing. Resolution is knowing how it all ends. Tension arouses her mind, resolution doesn’t.

And let me tell you. When you arouse her mind, her panties will follow.

So, in a nutshell, pull a girl toward you, then push her away. Push her away, then pull her toward you. The more you push a girl away, the more she wants in.

WARNING: make sure to BALANCE interest and disinterest. Too much pushing away, pushes her away all together. Too much pulling her in, makes her want to run.

Examples of pushing her away: flinching, telling her to stop hitting on you, that you’d never get along, saying “We’re broken up.”

Examples of pulling her in: smiling, giving compliments, making her laugh by taking things to the absurd (for example, “We’re so broken up… you keep the cat, I’ll keep the DVDs”).

So, give some sugar, give some spice. And balance them. Way better than blabbing away without direction, right? That way you’ll DELIBERATELY attract a lovely woman.

MISTAKE #6: Trying Too Hard

Let me give you some examples of guys trying too hard with women. Believe me, I’ve been there myself.

  • Ask a million questions
  • Not allow silences
  • Spend loads of money
  • Show off
  • Brag
  • Exaggerate accomplishments
  • Entertain her
  • Try to make her laugh constantly
  • Protest love early
  • Invest all energy in one girl.

Waaaaaaay too exhausting.

As Mystery once said:

“The best pickup artists not only hunt, they farm. If a guy goes after one girl, he gets nothing. But if he goes after 10 girls, he gets 7 awesome pivots and 3 lays (the best of the bunch, of course). How can a girl chase us if we plant our feet in front of her and never move?”

So, talk to a lot of women. Don’t get stuck on one. This way you won’t try so hard with one. You’ll lie back and let her come to you.

You’re the prize after all. So, let her chase you. Jealousy plot-lines can be an integral way to make the most beautiful women chase you.

MISTAKE #7: Not Being Prepared

A lot of guys talk to women without being prepared ahead of time.

For example, they have no topics of conversation to open chicks with. They don’t know where to take a girl next. They carry no condoms or gum. Their cars and apartments are a mess.

So, here’s what to do.

Whip out a cheat sheet and fill it with banter/negs, kino (ways to touch her, like stage directions), DHVs, and qualifiers, statement-of-interests, closers. These are how you’ll generate interesting conversation with strangers out of thin air.

You’ll need enough material to engage a woman for 25 to 40 minutes, though ultimately you’ll need to fill 7 hours. Of that time, only the first few minutes should be A-2 material (banter and DHVs).

[Note: A-2 refers to the second stage of the Attraction phase. A-1 is “open,” A-2 is “you attract her,” A-3 is “she attracts you.”]

After you’ve delivered your A-2 material, qualify the girl you’re interested in (qualification is the A-3 material). You’ll stale out a set if you over-attract without enticing her to work to attract you.

Also, get into the right mind-state before you approach.

What’s the right mind state?

A playful, positive, and talkative one.

Here’s another way to be prepared. Know where to bounce girls. That is, know which venues you’ll take a girl next before inviting her back to your place. By the way, wanna know how to invite a girl back to your place? It’s the bounce.

That is, take her to other venues before inviting her up. After going into so many places TOGETHER (feeling like a couple), your place will just be one other one. It’ll be a natural.

Okay, here’s some ways to prep. Be groomed, showered, smelling good, and have your threads together.

Have condoms, a way to take down girl’s numbers (i.e. your phone), and gum. I mean, you can have all the game in the world, but if your breath stinks, game over.

And here’s a great way to get into the right mind-state: Practice your cheat sheet in a mirror before going out into the field. I’ve gotten so much self-awareness from this technique.

Being practiced ahead of time, I can forget everything when I’m in the field and just be in the moment.

Funny, huh? Being prepared makes flow (and spontaneity) possible.

MISTAKE #8: Being Too Logical and Factual

A lot of guys think showing off how smart and knowledgable they are attracts women. Oh, yes, I’ve been here too.

I learned the hard way being a smarty-pants doesn’t attract chicks.


Talking about the nature of God or the mideast crisis or even baseball statistics speaks to her logical mind, not to her emotions. However, giving her wonderful FEELINGS attracts a woman like cuh-ra-zy.

So, smile. Talk about fun, emotional topics. Don’t speak in a monotone, factual voice. Be expressive. This shows warmth and feeling.

By the way, Mystery always says, “enthusiasm is contagious.” But what in God’s name does he mean by this?

I looked up the word, and enthusiasm literally means to be possessed (“En”) by a god (“Theos”). It means being excited and enjoying something. When you’re excited like this it’s like being in the presence of a god. No wonder it’s contagious.

So, talk about things that Light. You. Up.

Really, passion and enthusiasm are aphrodisiacs for women. She’ll get so swept up in your enthusiasm she’ll want more and MORE and MOOOORE!

The point is, avoid being a know-it-all. Instead, focus on giving a woman the gift of FEELING good. She’ll link those wonderful feelings to you.

MISTAKE #9: Demonstrating Lower Value

Some guys talk themselves down. Why? They probably think it shows humility or honesty or something.

The fact is, when we portray ourselves in a lower-value way, it kills her attraction for us.

Well, how do you talk positively about yourself without being all boastful and arrogant?

By not making the positive thing the star. By putting it in the background.

For example, there’s a difference between saying “I volunteered at a soup kitchen. Aren’t I awesome?” and “I was volunteering at a soup kitchen and this crazy thing happened…”

One’s center stage. The other’s in the backdrop, where it can be missed. Don’t make the positive thing center stage. Mention it as a passing detail.

My real point is, don’t put yourself down. Talk well of yourself. Like you’re marketing yourself. Or, like you’re talking about a movie you want a friend to see.

Would you talk about all the weaknesses in the movie? No. Your friend might not want to see it. You’d emphasize the good.

Same thing when speaking about yourself to women. Throw out details about yourself women find sexually attractive in men. Here are five categories of things women find attractive, courtesy of Mystery:

  1. Other women like you. For example, mentioning an ex-girlfriend. And speaking positively about her.
  2. You’ve got friends who respect you, and whom you respect in return. Social proof.
  3. You take care of people, and can protect loved ones like family, friends, ex-girlfriends.
  4. You have a passion in life, a direction, and you take the risks to make it happen.
  5. While speaking, be expressive, passionate, enthusiastic.

Now, portraying yourself in a positive way really starts in the way you think about yourself.

If you’re always dwelling on your weaknesses and insecurities, it takes a major chip off your confidence. You’ll feel less confident, and you may end up talking yourself down. Not cool.

But if you’re always dwelling on your strengths and accomplishments, you’ll feed your confidence. You’ll feel more confident, and you’ll probably end up talking well about yourself. Very cool.

In other words, respect yourself first and women will follow your lead.

How do you find positive things in you to dwell on? Do positive things for real. That way you’ll have accomplishments to dwell on, and great stories to share.

Last thing about this “Mistake.” For guys who think self-deprecating humor is attractive: only when people are aware of your strengths.

If no one knows your strengths and you jokingly put yourself down, it just makes people feel uncomfortable.

So, do things in the five categories women find attractive, believe in yourself, and speak well of yourself. Man, will that become a POSITIVE self-fulfilling prophecy.

You’ll show, hell, you’ll BE your best self.

MISTAKE #10: Fearing What She Thinks of You

Finally there’s the guy who fears what a woman thinks of him. And yes, I’ve been here, too. Hell, I’ve made all these damn mistakes.

Anyway, this fear makes us guys slaves to a woman’s approval. It’s terrible because it hampers our freedom and strength.

And let me ask you this. When you lust after a woman’s approval, who becomes submissive, and who becomes dominant?


And submissive men don’t attract women. Dominant men do.

So, replace any fear of not getting her to like you with this thought. “Who cares what she thinks of me?” For that matter, “who cares what anyone thinks me?”

All great pickup artists have this one thing in common: social freedom. Social anxiety is fear of what others think of you. Social freedom is having no fear about what others think about you.

Walking through the world without fear of losing other people’s approval attracts women like maaaaaaaad. It shows strength. And it’s manly.

Here’s another way of looking at this mistake. The outside world constantly shifts. So if you put your happiness there, what happens when the outside world shifts? Exactly. You fall.

The inner world is more solid. What happens if you put your footing here? Exactly. When the outside world shifts, you remain standing. You stay strong despite the shifting and shit the outside world slings at you.

Seek your happiness within.

What I mean by that is, approve of yourself. Don’t let others be the approver of you. Their approval is just a chincy gold star.

I also mean serve a higher purpose than the self. Give your deepest gift to the world. And do that with all your heart.

Women are like sunshine, beautiful and inspiring. Enjoy it. Respect her. Appreciate her. But there’s no need to possess her, or get her, or cling to her. Be the sun, not a dependent planet. Give your light, your gift. Live with purpose.

The byproduct, not the goal, is you’ll attract women who are beautiful both inside and out. And she’ll KEEP coming back for more.


      1. Austin

        Hey man love the site, was wondering if you were thinking about adding in a search feature to your site.

        I’d also like to know what you’re thoughts/feelings are on living in the North East like Maine (mostly white)?

        I live in the west coast and I’m planning on moving to a city with some more diversity. Do you think the type of women changes the way you approach? I notice I usually get more play if I’m in a more diversified city/neighborhood. Being african american and latino, I notice that I get shut down more if I am in a neighborhood that is predominantly white.


      2. renaissan

        Hey Austin, great question.

        First off, thanks for the kinds words about my site. Always encouraging to hear.

        Second off, that’s a great suggestion about the search feature. I DO have a search feature, but it’s so low down on my side menu, it’s probably easy to miss. I’ll make sure to fix that. So, thanks for that suggestion.

        Finally, for your question about approaching white girls: I’m of mixed heritage too. I’m African-American and Italian, and I live in Maine (predominately white). Let me tell you, when I discovered banter I found it speaks “woman” to the women inside women no matter what race she is. There’s something about making girls laugh and creating sexual tension with them that makes them forget about race.

        I talk about banter above as well as in my article “Flirting” Ask me questions about it if you’d like. It’s such a killer technique.

        I agree though, it’s a shit-load of fun approaching girls who look like me. They seem even more responsive.

  1. Tommy

    I am 45 and still not Married, cause it is all a game of Cat and mouse, but I also choose to be. Her is something I came up with 20 years ago, and my buddies love it, okay here it goes.

    Treat woman like dirt, they stick like mud
    Treat them nice they run like mice.

    Now my meaning behind the dirt part isn’t to be rude, but like you said in your top 10 mistakes is to pull away while you are still giving, its the game.

    1. renaissan

      Love the saying. Push away (in a playful way) and pull her towards you. That’s what game is all about. You got it! By the way, thanks for reading and for the comment.

  2. silent

    Great one really.. how can i thank you?.. in fact i found myself down and was searching for the reasons… naturally i came here in the same way. and it seems all mistakes i have done is listed there.. and still doing it without knowing those are real mistakes or rather blunders.

    MISTAKE #1: Showing too much sexual interest,- yes trying to stay close with her always
    MISTAKE #2: Being too Nice, – but lately moved away since many are there playing to nice to catch
    MISTAKE #3: Not building comfort, (didnt get this one though)
    MISTAKE #4: Not Making Physical Contact” just overcome by small touchings
    MISTAKE #5: Not Creating Sexual Tension – hmm… not sure if done..
    MISTAKE #6: Trying Too Hard – yeah talking/praying/hoping/ she is my admiration and i cant missher
    MISTAKE #7: Not Being Prepared – lately done two things and it turned out to be success. ( i will share with you folks.. i draw out the keyboard of her computer while she was still if to type something for her and touching her thighs…. 🙂
    MISTAKE #8: Being Too Logical and Factual – hmm again
    MISTAKE #9: Demonstrating Lower Value – was always not just now.. being nice down to earth for her..
    MISTAKE #10: Fearing What She Thinks of You – again just today (even before reading this) ignored the rule and won a good feeling.. but i do fear might hold on to..
    thanks again

    1. renaissan

      Nice summation of this article. Shows you actually read it and are processing it and putting it into your words. Awesome!

      And by the way, I’m right there with you. I’ve made every mistake on this list, too. So, you’re not alone. That’s how I learned. By making the mistakes and learning from them.

      As for Mistake #3 “Not building comfort,” you said you didn’t get this one. That’s probably because you’re not making this mistake? These are the guys who rush a girl into bed without getting to know her first. Or who approach her by being overly, blatantly sexual with her.

      Now, I’ve gotta share with you one of the biggest things I’ve learned about being more successful with women: not getting bedazzled by her physical beauty. Looking beyond her exterior to connect to the person inside.

      Also, that I can be the stimulus for her sexuality… she doesn’t have to be the stimulus for my sexuality.

      What I mean by that is: as soon as I figured out what my deepest purpose in life is, a purpose that’s higher than pleasing women, I became a stronger man. I think that kind of masculinity (a guy who’s got a strong, clear purpose) women are naturally drawn to.

      So, let me ask you this: what’s your deepest purpose? What’s your gift? All of us have one. If you’re giving your gift to the world and women aren’t the #1 in your life, believe me, you won’t make any of these mistakes on this list.

      Thanks so much for writing in. I can tell you’ve got what it takes to succeed with women. Please don’t hesitate if you have any questions whatsoever. I’d love to answer them.

      1. silent

        yes I do have a 100 questions.. starting from building comfort . seems always see through and find an admirable angel inside. but every time wishes to stick together, which she is not comfortable. she know i admire her still kind of creepy?

        Looking back i never had a purpose and seems not in the near future but to be with her always listening to her admiring those beautiful eyes.

        You know one important thing..Mistake #2 real experience
        i just read all text yesterday and is really testing one today. she said she do not like getting too close..
        just tried to break touching barriers not groping just holding hands not to touch my cam and pretending she will do if i open..she seemed enjoyed it.. and we took few

        but this day morning i saw a differnet one.i knew there is something she want to do now.. so kept back for sometime.. but later when rushed in she said “NO”.

        on any other day i could have spoiled it all.. but just thought for a second and drew back. i remembered your point… wove back and always keep doing the same thing after some time 🙂
        but how long that time should be?

        and as far as i read you are the only one who said never go for girl but be manly that too in a site named whetyourw… 🙂 i know you really mean it..very much impressed.
        thanks a tonne for such a wonderful help for the wishes too

  3. silent

    Mistake No 11# be the stimulus for her sexuality… she doesn’t have to be the stimulus for my sexuality.
    yes i admit i just wanted me to be happy touching her cool hands. 🙁

    1. renaissan

      I can relate! And thanks for your kind words.

      I think I understood of your questions. I think it was about kino. Was one of your questions: “if a girl rejects my kino advance and I stop then try again later, how often do I keep stopping and trying again later?”

      If that’s your question, my answer would be: until she feels comfortable. If she says absolutely no, then listen to her. But if she’s giving you a “not yet…” she might not be 100% comfortable… yet. Stop, try again later until she’s ready.

      I’m not sure if that was your question, and whether it answered your question adequately. Please let me know if it doesn’t so I can get you a better answer.

      Thanks Silent!

      1. silent

        sadly the effect has really stuck so bad.. she literally said making uncomfortable.. and had to explain something… she is now terribly angry and behaves like i have done something very bad.. is very angry at me.. i said i am so sorry if i made anything wrong.. but since i value you i think i can change.. and there after not even attempted to be so close.. still she is angry… seems like still not convinced..

    1. silent

      i am not sure…i thought both are enjoying it.. but i made it obvious and done in front of her eyes.. my hands moved and touched her.. when she is on chair my hands would touch her body.. and if she moves it follows..but that was slowly and she didnt have any big problems.. but later on (as somewhere here i read one should keep the pervert inside at home) i was fascinated by the possibility of cleavage.. not uncovered but a bit there and like a hidden … it was enough for me to be happy.. but tried and pushed too deep.. like standing and leaning over to have a good look 🙁 something of this all made her say uncomfortable..
      there are few more things shall i pm you ?

      1. renaissan

        Did all this happen after being on a date with her in the privacy of your home? Or had you not been on a date yet? Unfortunately, I don’t have a PM. But you can also reach me one-on-one through the Whet Your Woman Facebook Page.

  4. Okonji onyekachi success

    Hi, i luv and enjoy reading your post, its me 2 understand more about women and your role as a man 2 towards them! My question is dis, i wud state dis as recent encouter wit a lady i met in church! We started off talking of course wit church stuff, bt later we went in her personal interest and likes and dislike. I cud really relate much 2( i.e create attraction using banter kino, neg and comfort) obviously boc of d envoronment we were in. I was interested in her bcos she was open and friendly she even gave me are contact so we cud chat! Bt d BIG QUESTION is ow do i start, were do i start? I hope i don’t piss her off! I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP I HOPE YOU RESPOND TO THIS QUICKLY! Thanks

    1. renaissan

      That’s great you met a girl you hit it off with her! Church is a great place to meet a girl. But I didn’t quite know what you mean when you asked “Where do I start?” Didn’t you already start? And aren’t things going well already?

  5. Okonji onyekachi success

    Actually i met i cud really relate 2 her bcos of d environment we are in(i.e church,cudn’t attract her using banter, kino, neg,DHV etc) how do i start? To some extent seperated by distance only chats on line and calls!

  6. Okonji onyekachi success

    “Neg takes women off deir pesdestal so you can relate wit dem from aplace of mutual respect” my question ” Is every woman you meet always have ” the bitchness” self defence? And if you meet a really nice and friendly girl who is open to you how do you approach her witout remaining in a friend zone( how do you build dat attraction)

    1. renaissan

      Good question. The “bitch shield” usually goes up in bars and clubs where an attractive woman might get hit on more than usual. If you’ve met a nice, friendly girl who is open, you probably don’t have to neg.

      It sounds like you’ve already attracted her and you’re in the building comfort phase.

      The number one way to avoid the friend zone is to “make a move” on her after about four to ten hours of building a connection with her. If you don’t make a move within that time frame, the window of opportunity usually closes and a woman will often put a guy in her “friend zone.”

      Let me know if this helps.

  7. Okonji onyekachi success

    Hi, thanks for ur earlier response on my previous question, the girl in question jst finished sch, we are seperated by a much distance probably we may nt see often again bcos she is goin for her service, we may only be able 2 chat online and calls. Dats d much distance

  8. Okonji onyekachi success

    The true right now is that while chating i updated my status with dis” i met a friend… Its funny and amazing how feelings and connection can start wit jst a simple chat” then she saw it and asked me what i meant by ” connections and feelings” i responsed by saying talking wit her was pleasant and worthwhile and being wit her and around felt great iwas jst like i cud tell anything see true her and as if i had known her for a long time and I ALSO DO LIKE HER bt she hasn’t responded yet! Cud you help out! I hv a feeling she likes me too!

  9. Okonji onyekachi success

    The truth right now is that while chating i updated my status with dis” i met a friend… Its funny and amazing how feelings and connection can start wit jst a simple chat” then she saw it and asked me what i meant by ” connections and feelings” i responsed by saying talking wit her was pleasant and worthwhile and being wit her and around her felt great! it was jst like i cud tell her anything, see true her and as if i had known her for a long time and that I ALSO DO LIKE HER bt she hasn’t responded yet! Cud you help out! I hv a feeling she likes me too!

    1. renaissan

      That’s a tough one, because it’s best to “game” in person, and she’s at a long distance.

      This situation sounds like Mistake #2 where you’ve expressed interest in her before she’s built up the same amount of interest in you.

      It’s an easy fix… but in person. That is, adding a little play-fighting, “catch me if you can,” sexual tension. That would usually do the trick. But at a distance this might be a little challenging. You sound like you’ve got a good heart, and that you made an honest-to-God connection with her. I’d say it’s her loss.

      And that’s exactly my recommendation: move on. There’s plenty of fish in the sea.

      Here’s the irony. When you move on, it has the same kind effect play-fighting has. That distance, that non-neediness, that sense of an abundance of women in your life will make you attractive.

  10. Paul Badiba

    Hello… I am so grad to see this article! My problem is I am in love with someone and I am 20.y.o. but my face seems like young boy(baby face). So is that a big obstacle for me to date her in time she is got 23? I need yours advice please.

    1. renaissan

      Your age and your baby face shouldn’t be a problem.

      How do you make her feel when she’s around you? Interestingly, people fall in love with the way they feel around a person rather than what his age is or what his face looks like.

  11. Karl

    Wonderful site. Thanks so much, you are doing us all a great favour!

    Actually I realized that I have come to appreciate over the years many of the things you bring up: I never talk down on myself; I’m never show undue interest in the woman or appear in awe of her: I am generally positve and enthusiastic about the projects I pursue in life; I joke around with them in a very relaxed way; and so on. I am finding that all of these things make me attractive in the eyes of women, just as you say.

    There is one catch though. I still find myself a bit too eager to please at times, and too concerned if she is enjoying the experience (in bed for example). I don’t like it beacuse it makes me weaker, which she probably can detect (I guess women read us like open books). But it’s hard to overcome. I guess I am just too much of a nice guy fundamentally, and I am trying to acquire a pattern in which I think and act just a tad more like a self-centered asshole. Not very much so, but just enough to establish a bit of that manly dominance and self-assurance that women like. The success so far has been moderate, but I am still at it. Do you have any thoughts or advice on how to move along in this direction? is it an acquired skill or do you simply have it or not?

  12. renaissan

    First of all, thank-you for those kinds words. They mean a lot. Much appreciation.

    Second, the good news is this is not a case of “you simply have it.” And I can relate to what you’re saying.

    In a sense it’s a positive that you care about your woman’s experience, for example when you’re in bed with her. That’s not a bad thing at all. Caring is a good thing. But as with everything else in life, everything in moderation. Too little caring about a woman’s experience, a guy becomes an asshole. Too much, a guy borders on needy. (By the way, I’m NOT saying you’re needy.)

    The solution? Awareness.

    You’ve already taken the first step to mastering this skill: you’re aware of it. And the reason I say you’re not needy is because your awareness shows me you’re not that bad off.

    The next step is to never stop being aware of the thought “I’ve gotta please, I’ve gotta please.” As soon as you become aware of it, you’ll stop. And it’ll be effortless.

    Let me give you an example to illustrate what I’m trying to say.

    Let’s say I’ve got this major fidget habit where I bite my nails all the time and I wanna stop. I bite my nails out of habit, because I’m on auto-pilot, because I’m unaware. But as soon as I say to myself, “Wait a sec, I’m biting my nails, I don’t wanna be doing this,” it’s weird but I’ll stop. Without even trying.

    It’s the same thing here.

    Keep up your awareness over and over and over again, until you replace the old habit of thinking with a new one. Be vigilant of your thoughts. And you’ll be golden.

    Speaking of which, one last thing.

    I noticed you say: “…just enough to establish a bit of that manly dominance and self-assurance that women like.”

    So you’re saying you want to be dominant in order to “please” your woman?

    This might be okay to start, like an incentive, like an inspiration. But ultimately I’d recommend establishing dominance NOT in order to please a woman but because it’s good in itself to be self-assured.

    Great question. Let me know how it goes.

  13. john pierpont morgan

    You lost me at number one, showing sexual interest too soon. Why did this lose me? Because it contradicts other advice, by both women and men. You are not wrong but you are not right. It depends. It’s conditional. Sometimes direct interest is what the doctor ordered. You lost my trust right there.

    It’s hard. I struggle as much as anybody. Maybe you get more girls than I do even.

    But I see women are variable in their emotions and states and judgments even, as are all people. You might come across as creepy initially but if you plow through it, they reassess. A lot of men are cowards, people who cower. A little fear and they back away, so it doesn’t give a chance for women to reframe the guy, rejudge the guy. Sometimes women can go through multiple judgements or emotions with the same guy, like a meandering river, until she arrives at her final permanent conclusion about him. You have to have male power. Male power here is defined best as ZFG, but also social standing can help. You don’t need social standing or status but all things help anchor you in your reality. That’s what I’m going for. You can be a homeless drifter and be in your reality and frame, but I find having external validation sources- like having a good job, owning your own home, etc, help anchor you in this reality and compel others to believe in it. So if you are hugh hefner, do you think it’s wrong to show sexual interest right away?

    What RULE are you following? I don’t say you are wrong. I say you are not right, and asserting this as a dogma makes you wrong, because inflexible, universal rule, which is it not. I don’t think you understand woman. I can’t read any further because I’m afraid of putting more garbage into my system, even if what you write next is GOLD

    but I want to re-stress, men will often make a bad first impression on a woman, not even based on his behavior but based on her history, and what she brings to the present (projection). Guys you have to persevere so she can reevaluate. First impressions are just that- first. It’s last impressions that matter most. Problem is many first impressions are also the last impressions, because men eject or whatever. This is even more reason why you should not approach women in my opinion for practice, unless you don’t give a fuck. I only approach for real, when I have strong desire in someone, because that makes me have skin in the game. That makes me plow through bad impression. If I am milquetoast in my desire, I don’t have the will to plow through a bad first impression, and even I sometimes interpret this as me being a pussy- which it is not, and even if she gives me positive energy, I am wasting everybody’s time. There is no purpose to it. It’s hard to find someone I really like, especially in modern cultures. It’s true it’s nice to feel good about yourself and get them to open up, because when they open up, maybe you’ll see something you like in them. They are afraid too, even if they are good looking. If they like someone, they get nervous. They are people too. So in this sense, don’t go sexual sure, but it just depends. At some point, though, you might have to whip it out, your sexual desire. At the very least it should be a tactical choice, not something you keep inside you from fear and cowardice. But as a default M.O. I like being a challenge or at least being the one that is chased, as I chase muscles and money. I chase status and standing and victory, not vagina. Let vagina chase me, in general. It’s the way that keeps me most sane, and sometimes girls come straight onto me (rarely, but it happens), but even this M.O. is not a dogma.

    1. renaissan

      Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who said anything about dogma? This is a rule-of-thumb that WORKS in the real world. Let me explain.

      If a woman wanted a man to open up into an emotional connection, all she’d have to do is grab his genitals. Seriously.

      Imagine a strange woman grabbing your cock. Wouldn’t you be like “So, how are you doing? Where are you from? Let’s get to know each other.” I know I’d be.

      Now imagine a strange man walking up to a woman who grabs her pussy or boobs and invites her to have sex. He’d probably get slapped, get cursed out, or, worse, get arrested for sexual assault.

      So, usually the best way to approach a woman isn’t through sex–even though that might be how we guys would love to be approached.

      Rather than approach a woman with blatant sex, connect with her first. I’d think a woman would want to know something about a guy before wanting to have sex with him. For example, whether he’s a psycho stalker or not.

      Point is, my guess is she probably wants to feel safe enough and feel some kind of connection with a guy before inviting him in for sex. Once she feels a man’s deep presence, his integrity, direction, and an emotional connection with him, then she’ll want to open up sexually.

      Isn’t that funny though–how opposite men and women are built from each other?

      Women can open guys up to an emotional connection through sex. Men can open women up to sex through an emotional connection. That was my point in the above article. Go for the emotional connection first.

      Because what usually WORKS is doing the OPPOSITE of what you want to do.

      You’re right. Once in a while you might meet a woman who wants to fuck before getting to know you. But that’s more the exception. As a rule-of-thumb, a woman doesn’t usually respond well to overt sexual interest coming from a strange guy.

      Another way of saying this: we want what we don’t have.

      If the feminine represents earth, energy, the body, sex… and if the masculine represents retreating from earth into the stillness and emptiness of a cave to think… then flesh attracts the masculine (masculine “lacks” flesh), and depth of presence like an anchor attracts the feminine (what the feminine seeks to connect with).

      So, rather than using flesh to attract a woman, use masculinity: Look for the beauty INSIDE a woman, listen to her, be present with her, connect with her, have direction in your life, be decisive, show kindness to others, be honest. More often, if she sees those things in a guy, she’ll probably be ready to mate.

      Again, this has nothing to do with dogma. It’s just what works.

  14. Jim

    There been coming to the bar my wife works and saying stuff to her and texting her and saying stuff to her that I don’t think it right so what should I due without her getting mad and saying I to jalous. Thanks for your help

  15. CC

    Hey! I really enjoyed your article. I came across this page, trying to find answers as to why this guy I was “seeing” suddenly stopped reaching out like he used to. You are pretty spot on. I feel like I now understand this “game” guys feel like they need to play.
    Sooo, I am a 32 yr old woman, I would rate myself about an 8. The guy I was seeing(rick) is about a 5 or 6. We met through a friend. My friend initially wanted to introduce me to Ricks good friend, but I knew right off the bat, that I was not interested in his friend.
    (Btw Rick definitely used that play- fighting trick with me when we first met..smh.)

    Our first meeting was fun but I didn’t really think anything of the playful banter we had exchanged, probably due to the fact that I wasn’t initially attracted to him. Rick ended up inviting my friend and I to a lake trip. He pretty much begged me to go, I knew he was probably into me but I still wasn’t physically attracted.

    (I’m trying to make this long story short, so sorry.)

    We all stayed at a lake house for a few days, I was growing more attracted to him, maybe it was the environment mixed with the alcohol.. (I) started making the moves on the last day/ night (I feel like I almost always need to initiate, otherwise I’d wait forever for the guy to make the first move).
    We had been drinking all day, there was heavy flirting happening on my end and during the day, while we were dancing, I kissed him. We went home and slept together (had sex). At that time, I was very much into another guy who I think was on the “pushing away” phase lol but it was to much space and I’m not about to chase a guy so I thought to myself, I’d have fun with Rick. Nothing serious, fwb was what I wanted..hate to say it but its true. Anyway, directly after the trip, Rick finds me on IG and we chat a bit. I forgot to mention that the sex was amazing, and it’s really hard to find a good fwb partner out there so I knew I’d have to see him again.
    We talked about how great it was, and saw each other a week after the trip, and about once or twice a week after that. fyi, I initiated maybe 98% of the “meet ups”. In my eyes, it was strictly sexual, I didn’t care if he just saw me as a hook up buddy either..I always texted him after 8 or 9pm and when we did communicate, it was pretty sexual EXCEPT for the times HE would be sweet and text me normal things during the day. He was super nice, super complementary and eventually my feelings grew. I still acted like I did from the beginning though, “too cool for school” or whatever. Didnt know if I’d scare him off, if/when I told him I wanted to get to know him better.
    I have a rule for myself, don’t date during the holidays. I feel like relationships start or end too quickly. I’m weird.
    Ok so, I need your help. What should I do??

    I met him the first week of September, we stopped having sex and or seeing each other, mid October. I admit that I backed away too, I wanted him to start asking to see me. He would say he missed me and wanted to see me but never followed through. He would only ask for a picture or something. It was weird to me, how can he be satisfied with just texting. I thought maybe he met someone else… we chatted via IG, snapchat and text often. Eventually, I gave in and invited him to a Halloween party I was hosting but his excuse was he worked. Fine, but then he asked to see me and never set a date! one point I ended up telling him that I’m giving up, literally “i give up lol” because he wasn’t making time to see me. He begged me not to and I told him fine, he can reach out when he’s ready to make plans. We’ve chatted since but not nearly as much as the beginning and I dont initiate anymore. I haven’t seen him in person since mid October! And its December now. I keep thinking that I got him used to me contacting him first and maybe hes waiting for me to ask to see him.
    This is all so weird to me and I would love some answers!:(
    I know I made tons of mistakes, I told friends maybe he has me in his “hoe” category lol.. he asked me recently if I had been with anyone else sexually since him, I was honest and said no.. idk what he could be thinking of me. I think he sensed that I was catching feelings and he got scared lol idk.


  16. renaissan

    Hey cc,

    First, I feel honored that you took the time to write this note to me and ask my take on your situation. You make my day in doing so.

    Second, you sound like a catch and Rick sounds like…he doesn’t know what he had. (I also didn’t like that he didn’t take much initiative.) While I was reading your story I kept thinking to myself “Why is he letting her do all the work?” It was kind of frustrating to read.

    Third, I think your analysis of your situation is spot on. It sounds like the two of you went through the attraction phase and the seduction phase but maybe not enough time was spent in the comfort phase building an emotional connection? Yes, he gave you some compliments and he was nice, but that’s not enough. Again, it sounds like you were feeding him grapes and he was just eating them.

    So, I think you did the right thing by standing back to see if he would do any initiating. A relationship, after all, has to be a two way street (otherwise, it’s not a relationship). It was frustrating for me to read that it turned out he didn’t do anything. I don’t know Rick but his behavior sounded like cowardice or laziness or indifference. None of these are great traits.

    That kind of relationship isn’t a healthy one for anyone to be in. It might be painful to learn this, but thankfully you’re learning it before you got too deep into the relationship. (By the way, something I discuss in this blog is the importance of the guy initiating, and a relationship must be two way.)

    And that might be the only “mistake” that was made, if there was one. It sounds like not enough time was spent developing a relationship outside the bedroom. That’s why I encourage guys to spend at least 7 hours getting to know a woman before having sex with her. This lays a solid foundation for a relationship outside of sex. Without that all-important phase, a relationship sits on a flimsy base.

    I understand you meant this to be “friends with benefits” at first, so it makes sense that the relationship revolved more around sex. But you did the right thing after realizing you wanted more. Unfortunately, he failed to put in the effort and he failed the test. I’d say that’s his loss, and your win. Now you can find someone who deserves you. He failed to meet your standards. You can screen him out.

    Out of curiosity, how do you know Rick might know some of the material in this blog? If he’s not initiating and spending almost zero time building rapport with you, it sounds like he might not have complete mastery of what I discuss.

    Thanks so much again, cc, for sharing and reaching out to me. Believe me, there are plenty of other quality guys out there who would know how lucky they would be to have you. They might also act more like a man by taking the lead to initiate every once in a while, reciprocate and give back.


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