Summary This is a primer for guys on how to attract a beautiful woman. All the mistakes we guys make can be traced to one thing: not following the emotional progression a woman goes through before she wants to sleep with a guy.
As the saying goes, men are like fire: quick to ignite and quick to extinguish. Women are like water: slow to boil but keep on boiling. To boil the water we’ve got to attract her first. We’ve got to build comfort and trust, second. Only then will she be ready for us to seduce her, third.
Credit goes to Mystery Method for many of the insights in this article.
MISTAKE #1: Showing too much sexual interest, “The Creepy Guy”
A lot of guys make the mistake of showing sexual interest in a woman right off the bat.
A guy will say things like “You’re pretty,” or “You’ve got great tits,” or even “Let’s have sex.” I’ve even heard a guy pick up a girl with this: “I haven’t had sex in awhile. Could you do me a favor and just have sex with me?”
Weirdly, she said no. Haha.
Create a want in a woman first. In other words, attract a girl, first. If you get too sexual with a woman too soon, it’ll creep her out.
Well, how do you attract her?
- Make her laugh with banter and negs.
- Let her see your best qualities with DHVs (Demonstrations of Higher Value).
- Learn about her by qualifying her.
- Connect with her by spending time (4 – 10 hours, 7 hours on average) building comfort with her.
Do all those things in that order. Guess what? She’ll WANT more.
MISTAKE #2: Being too Nice, “The Nice Guy”
Another mistake guys make is being TOO nice. That is, not being a sexual threat at all. Let me give you three examples of this.
EXAMPLE #1: grilling her with with a million questions.
Why do we guys do this? Probably because we think it’ll show we’re not after her ass, and we want to get to know her as a person first.
That’s admirable, but there’s just one problem. If she’s not attracted FIRST, well, she won’t be attracted.
So, don’t open a girl by interviewing her: “So, where are you from?” “Do you come here often?” “What do you do for work?” These are factual questions and most EVERY guy asks them. If you just wanna blend into the crowd, do this.
But if you don’t want to, share something cool about yourself before asking her a question. For example, share your passion in life. It’s a DHV and she’ll feel more comfortable sharing herself later.
EXAMPLE #2: buying her stuff like drinks, dinner, flowers, or gifts.
Why do we guys do this? Maybe because we think if we treat her nice, she’ll treat us nice. Makes logical sense, right?
One problem. It just doesn’t create attraction. Worse, it sets us up to getting taken advantage of later. Not fun.
Besides, how’s this different than PAYING for sex? You buy her dinner kinda hoping to get laid, right?
When it comes to buying her stuff, here’s the rule: don’t spend money on her until AFTER you’ve had sex. In other words attract her, first. Build comfort with her, second. Seduce her, third. Once you’ve had sex then it’s safe to take her out to dinner.
EXAMPLE #3: Showering chicks with compliments, telling her he’s in love with her way too soon, and generally kissing her ass.
Why do we guys do this? Again, I’d bet it’s because we think if we’re super-nice to a girl, she’ll be super-nice to us in return.
By now, you can probably see a theme. When guys are “nice” to women, they’re often expecting something in return. In other words, there’s an ulterior motive. It’s a subtle form of manipulation.
And women can smell this. It’s probably why it doesn’t attract them. That, and it’s submissive behavior.
Hey, it’s great to give, don’t get me wrong. All I’m saying is, give from a place of so much abundance, you give without needing anything in return.
Great, you might be saying. But again, HOW do I attract women first?
Be a sexual threat.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. But didn’t you just say, don’t show too much sexual interest at first?
Yes, I did. And you’re right. That’s why banter and negs are such beautiful things. These secret weapons make women laugh. And you know how much women hate to laugh.
Shyeah. And donkeys fly out of my butt.
Aaaaaaand these secret weapons allow a guy to be a sexual threat while not showing too much sexual interest. Cool, right?
Fine. HOW do you neg and banter?
Think of it this way. As play-fighting. Or, playful dominance. And having positive energy. In other words, leave behind the literal, factual world for the world of imagination. Literally, play another character.
David DeAngelo of “Double Your Dating” taught me something interesting about humor. He quoted Helitzer in “Comedy Writing Secrets” saying humor comes more from the CHARACTER you play rather than the actual words you say.
Well, what character do I play?
A dominant man who has so many women in his life he’s the one who selects women. He doesn’t hope women select him. He knows he’s the man.
It’s the exact opposite attitude most other guys take. Most other guys think of themselves as the selectee who has to impress a woman to attract her.
No, no, no. The men who attract women turn that on its head. HE’S the selector. HE’S the prize. She gotta impress HIM. I mean, he’s got so many women, he’s gotta push her away.
Again, this is all done in the name of play. This isn’t done factually. In other words, take it to the absurd. Exaggerate it. It’s the exaggeration that makes it funny and makes chicks laugh.
Here’s the result. Instead of relating to a woman like she’s on a pedestal, you relate to her like you’re two kids playing in a sandbox.
It’ll be so unusual for her. She’ll be like, “Finally, a guy who sees beyond my mask!” It’ll make her relax. And you’ll stand out from the blur of men.
What’s even more gorgeous is… it creates SEXUAL TENSION.
Damn straight. You’re the selector, right? That means you’ve assumed a sexual/romantic context right off the bat.
And you’re pushing her away, right? That means you’ve created tension.
Sexual tension. Nice, right?
So, here’s the big takeaway.
Establish your dominance and your playful side FIRST. This attracts hot women. Once you’ve attracted her, treat her with all the kindness you want.
I’ll say it again. Be dominant first, Be able to put your foot down. Be kind, second. That’ll destroy all those “Mr. Nice Guy” mistakes.
But once you’ve attracted her with banter and laughter, anchor it with substance. That’s where DHV and comfort come in.
And skipping comfort’s the third mistake guys make.
MISTAKE #3: Not building comfort, “The Player”
The guy who attracts a woman first, but skips comfort, and goes straight for sex are the players. There are three BIG drawbacks with this.
- Buyer’s Remorse. If you rush a woman into sex, she may regret it after. So, avoid making out with her in a bar. Push her away when you kiss her for the first time: “We shouldn’t do this here.” This builds comfort, and makes her want more. Wait to arouse her in PRIVATE.
- She feels manipulated. When a woman shows interest in you, don’t go professing your undying love. QUALIFY her first. Ask: “Is there more to you than meets the eye?” Select her for what’s INSIDE, not what’s outside. Get to know her, let her get to know you. Then when you have sex it’s not because you wanted to get from her, it’s because you liked each other. After all, you don’t want just any girl. You want a QUALITY girl, right?
- Her guard comes up. You’ll make her feel more comfortable with you if you’ve spent between 4-10 hours (7 hours average) with her without trying to have sex with her. So, take her to different venues, get to know her as a person, laugh together, touch comfortably. By not pouncing, she’ll be more likely to pounce you. Oh yeah.
MISTAKE #4: Not Making Physical Contact, “The Friend Zone”
On the opposite end, if a man spends TOO much time in comfort, he may get stuck in the dreaded friend zone.
Why does this happen? Usually when a guy doesn’t touch and physically escalate a girl.
Why wouldn’t a guy touch a girl? Well, like the nice guy, he doesn’t want to “offend” her.
Exactly! That’s the problem. HOW do I touch her and NOT offend her?
By always touching her from the start… in a friendly way. Let me give you some examples:
When you first meet her and her friends: touch EVERYONE. High-fives, hugs, hand-shakes, arm taps. It’s friendly.
When you’re building comfort with her in “isolation”: touch her leg with yours. Hold her hand.
When you kiss her: brush a hair from her face, first. Or, tell her how wonderful she smells, and smell her. If she doesn’t flinch, green light. Kiss her! But make sure to break off the kiss first. Makes her want more.
The point is, touch! Touching ensures you’ll avoid getting the friend zone later.
MISTAKE #5: Not Creating Sexual Tension
A lot of guys think “just being myself” might attract a woman. “If I blab away with no direction and pray, maybe she’d like me magically.”
You don’t have to blab away and pray. You can deliberately attract her.
By creating sexual tension.
How do I create sexual tension?
We already talked about banter. That’s one way. Here’s another.
For when you’ve got her in bed: go for one of her erogenous zones, but take a detour at the last second.
- Going for a kiss, then not kissing her.
- Smelling her, but not touching her.
- Kissing her around her nipples, but not her actual nipple.
- Licking her vaginal lips, but not her clit.
- Putting the tip of your cock in, but not going in all the way.
The retreat creates TENSION. Tension’s the feeling of “what will happen next?” It keeps her on the edge of seat. Keeps her guessing. Resolution is knowing how it all ends. Tension arouses her mind, resolution doesn’t.
And let me tell you. When you arouse her mind, her panties will follow.
So, in a nutshell, pull a girl toward you, then push her away. Push her away, then pull her toward you. The more you push a girl away, the more she wants in.
WARNING: make sure to BALANCE interest and disinterest. Too much pushing away, pushes her away all together. Too much pulling her in, makes her want to run.
Examples of pushing her away: flinching, telling her to stop hitting on you, that you’d never get along, saying “We’re broken up.”
Examples of pulling her in: smiling, giving compliments, making her laugh by taking things to the absurd (for example, “We’re so broken up… you keep the cat, I’ll keep the DVDs”).
So, give some sugar, give some spice. And balance them. Way better than blabbing away without direction, right? That way you’ll DELIBERATELY attract a lovely woman.
MISTAKE #6: Trying Too Hard
Let me give you some examples of guys trying too hard with women. Believe me, I’ve been there myself.
- Ask a million questions
- Not allow silences
- Spend loads of money
- Show off
- Exaggerate accomplishments
- Entertain her
- Try to make her laugh constantly
- Protest love early
- Invest all energy in one girl.
Waaaaaaay too exhausting.
As Mystery once said:
“The best pickup artists not only hunt, they farm. If a guy goes after one girl, he gets nothing. But if he goes after 10 girls, he gets 7 awesome pivots and 3 lays (the best of the bunch, of course). How can a girl chase us if we plant our feet in front of her and never move?”
So, talk to a lot of women. Don’t get stuck on one. This way you won’t try so hard with one. You’ll lie back and let her come to you.
You’re the prize after all. So, let her chase you. Jealousy plot-lines can be an integral way to make the most beautiful women chase you.
MISTAKE #7: Not Being Prepared
A lot of guys talk to women without being prepared ahead of time.
For example, they have no topics of conversation to open chicks with. They don’t know where to take a girl next. They carry no condoms or gum. Their cars and apartments are a mess.
So, here’s what to do.
Whip out a cheat sheet and fill it with banter/negs, kino (ways to touch her, like stage directions), DHVs, and qualifiers, statement-of-interests, closers. These are how you’ll generate interesting conversation with strangers out of thin air.
You’ll need enough material to engage a woman for 25 to 40 minutes, though ultimately you’ll need to fill 7 hours. Of that time, only the first few minutes should be A-2 material (banter and DHVs).
[Note: A-2 refers to the second stage of the Attraction phase. A-1 is “open,” A-2 is “you attract her,” A-3 is “she attracts you.”]
After you’ve delivered your A-2 material, qualify the girl you’re interested in (qualification is the A-3 material). You’ll stale out a set if you over-attract without enticing her to work to attract you.
Also, get into the right mind-state before you approach.
What’s the right mind state?
A playful, positive, and talkative one.
Here’s another way to be prepared. Know where to bounce girls. That is, know which venues you’ll take a girl next before inviting her back to your place. By the way, wanna know how to invite a girl back to your place? It’s the bounce.
That is, take her to other venues before inviting her up. After going into so many places TOGETHER (feeling like a couple), your place will just be one other one. It’ll be a natural.
Okay, here’s some ways to prep. Be groomed, showered, smelling good, and have your threads together.
Have condoms, a way to take down girl’s numbers (i.e. your phone), and gum. I mean, you can have all the game in the world, but if your breath stinks, game over.
And here’s a great way to get into the right mind-state: Practice your cheat sheet in a mirror before going out into the field. I’ve gotten so much self-awareness from this technique.
Being practiced ahead of time, I can forget everything when I’m in the field and just be in the moment.
Funny, huh? Being prepared makes flow (and spontaneity) possible.
MISTAKE #8: Being Too Logical and Factual
A lot of guys think showing off how smart and knowledgable they are attracts women. Oh, yes, I’ve been here too.
I learned the hard way being a smarty-pants doesn’t attract chicks.
Talking about the nature of God or the mideast crisis or even baseball statistics speaks to her logical mind, not to her emotions. However, giving her wonderful FEELINGS attracts a woman like cuh-ra-zy.
So, smile. Talk about fun, emotional topics. Don’t speak in a monotone, factual voice. Be expressive. This shows warmth and feeling.
By the way, Mystery always says, “enthusiasm is contagious.” But what in God’s name does he mean by this?
I looked up the word, and enthusiasm literally means to be possessed (“En”) by a god (“Theos”). It means being excited and enjoying something. When you’re excited like this it’s like being in the presence of a god. No wonder it’s contagious.
So, talk about things that Light. You. Up.
Really, passion and enthusiasm are aphrodisiacs for women. She’ll get so swept up in your enthusiasm she’ll want more and MORE and MOOOORE!
The point is, avoid being a know-it-all. Instead, focus on giving a woman the gift of FEELING good. She’ll link those wonderful feelings to you.
MISTAKE #9: Demonstrating Lower Value
Some guys talk themselves down. Why? They probably think it shows humility or honesty or something.
The fact is, when we portray ourselves in a lower-value way, it kills her attraction for us.
Well, how do you talk positively about yourself without being all boastful and arrogant?
By not making the positive thing the star. By putting it in the background.
For example, there’s a difference between saying “I volunteered at a soup kitchen. Aren’t I awesome?” and “I was volunteering at a soup kitchen and this crazy thing happened…”
One’s center stage. The other’s in the backdrop, where it can be missed. Don’t make the positive thing center stage. Mention it as a passing detail.
My real point is, don’t put yourself down. Talk well of yourself. Like you’re marketing yourself. Or, like you’re talking about a movie you want a friend to see.
Would you talk about all the weaknesses in the movie? No. Your friend might not want to see it. You’d emphasize the good.
Same thing when speaking about yourself to women. Throw out details about yourself women find sexually attractive in men. Here are five categories of things women find attractive, courtesy of Mystery:
- Other women like you. For example, mentioning an ex-girlfriend. And speaking positively about her.
- You’ve got friends who respect you, and whom you respect in return. Social proof.
- You take care of people, and can protect loved ones like family, friends, ex-girlfriends.
- You have a passion in life, a direction, and you take the risks to make it happen.
- While speaking, be expressive, passionate, enthusiastic.
Now, portraying yourself in a positive way really starts in the way you think about yourself.
If you’re always dwelling on your weaknesses and insecurities, it takes a major chip off your confidence. You’ll feel less confident, and you may end up talking yourself down. Not cool.
But if you’re always dwelling on your strengths and accomplishments, you’ll feed your confidence. You’ll feel more confident, and you’ll probably end up talking well about yourself. Very cool.
In other words, respect yourself first and women will follow your lead.
How do you find positive things in you to dwell on? Do positive things for real. That way you’ll have accomplishments to dwell on, and great stories to share.
Last thing about this “Mistake.” For guys who think self-deprecating humor is attractive: only when people are aware of your strengths.
If no one knows your strengths and you jokingly put yourself down, it just makes people feel uncomfortable.
So, do things in the five categories women find attractive, believe in yourself, and speak well of yourself. Man, will that become a POSITIVE self-fulfilling prophecy.
You’ll show, hell, you’ll BE your best self.
MISTAKE #10: Fearing What She Thinks of You
Finally there’s the guy who fears what a woman thinks of him. And yes, I’ve been here, too. Hell, I’ve made all these damn mistakes.
Anyway, this fear makes us guys slaves to a woman’s approval. It’s terrible because it hampers our freedom and strength.
And let me ask you this. When you lust after a woman’s approval, who becomes submissive, and who becomes dominant?
And submissive men don’t attract women. Dominant men do.
So, replace any fear of not getting her to like you with this thought. “Who cares what she thinks of me?” For that matter, “who cares what anyone thinks me?”
All great pickup artists have this one thing in common: social freedom. Social anxiety is fear of what others think of you. Social freedom is having no fear about what others think about you.
Walking through the world without fear of losing other people’s approval attracts women like maaaaaaaad. It shows strength. And it’s manly.
Here’s another way of looking at this mistake. The outside world constantly shifts. So if you put your happiness there, what happens when the outside world shifts? Exactly. You fall.
The inner world is more solid. What happens if you put your footing here? Exactly. When the outside world shifts, you remain standing. You stay strong despite the shifting and shit the outside world slings at you.
Seek your happiness within.
What I mean by that is, approve of yourself. Don’t let others be the approver of you. Their approval is just a chincy gold star.
I also mean serve a higher purpose than the self. Give your deepest gift to the world. And do that with all your heart.
Women are like sunshine, beautiful and inspiring. Enjoy it. Respect her. Appreciate her. But there’s no need to possess her, or get her, or cling to her. Be the sun, not a dependent planet. Give your light, your gift. Live with purpose.
The byproduct, not the goal, is you’ll attract women who are beautiful both inside and out. And she’ll KEEP coming back for more.