“Man was born free, and he is everywhere in chains.”
–Jean-Jacques Rousseau, The Social Contract, page 1
This applies to pickup.
All of us are born socially free. But we got bound by social chains of “you can’t do this,” esteem, hurt feelings, limited thinking, insecurities.
Pickup is one way to free us from these chains.
Brad P: what all the master pickup artists have in common, despite whatever school of pickup they represent, is
Social Freedom
MOST people have social anxiety. They’re afraid of rejection, afraid to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing.
But the key to success in pickup is to break free from this anxiety and be socially free again. The way we already were as kids.
Like Rousseau says, EACH ONE OF US has freedom inside us already. We just have to return to it.
When I think of social freedom, I think of the movie The Mask.
Remember how Jim Carey transformed from this timid, Mr. Nice Guy into a wild, fearless, powerful and invincible guy when he put on The Mask?
Then Ben Stein explains The Mask had released his id from his super-conscious. With The Mask on, he now had no more social pressures like “you’re not supposed to this” or that. Just total non-self-consciousness and freedom!
When I picture The Mask before I go into the field it’s amazing how approach anxiety kind of lessens for me. What other people think of me? Screw that. All I care about is doing the right thing… being friendly to EVERYONE and giving lots of love. That’s higher than what people might think of me.
Now here’s the best part of all this. How do we break our social restraints?
Approaching.
What could be more socially free than approaching complete strangers? Approaching is an exercise of social freedom, like an athlete exercising to become healthy and strong.
Social freedom is our natural right. It’s in ALL of us. We just have to reclaim it. The art of pickup is an awesome… and very practical… way to do this.
Great passage. Page 10 – 11 in Double Your Dating:
“Females select males most of the time in nature…
“Sooooooo… when talking to women… point out that you are the selector and not the selectee… It points out something to the woman that she’s most likely NEVER HEARD FROM A MAN IN HER ENTIRE LIFE.”
It’s such a simple, but profound insight in how to create attraction in women.
Later in the book David DeAngelo also says:
“(Helitzer) said (in “Comedy Writing Secrets”) that most of being funny is the CHARACTER and not the jokes.
“The lines didn’t much matter, as long as they fit in with the character. Now that I have created this CHARACTER for myself, things are all different. Women now call me. They pursue me. They want to be around me. It’s strange and magical and weird.”
(page 52)
PLAY the CHARACTER of THE SELECTOR, even if it’s a joke. She’ll be laughing (always good) while you’ve created this implicit dichotomy between you and her. You’re pretending to be the higher-than-her male. Even if it’s just pretend, she’s still accepted the she’s-chasing-you role, which sparks attraction in her (without her realizing it). You’re just playing like you’re a kid again in a sandbox, but spicing in these masculine, sexual-selector undertones.
Re-reading this always gives me a jolt, so I want to share it with you all, too.
To get better with women, you gotta approach women. It’s the only way to success with women.
What’s that you say? Some men are above that?
AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh, you’re serious.
Well, lemme tell ya. NO man is born being great at women. The whole concept of some guys just born naturally good with women? Bullshit. B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T. Buuuuuullshit. EVERYONE has to learn it.
Hanging out with guys who are good with women helps. But the BEST way to learn is going out there and approaching women.
Let me say this again, but in a different way, cause it’s important.
Your best teacher ain’t books or blogs like this one. They might kinda take the place of learning from a guy who’s decent with women. I mean, seeing a guy who’s good with women IN ACTION is better. But your best teacher isn’t even that.
It’s actually getting out there approaching women.
It’s scary. I’ll give you that. Even the guys who are the best with women… man, I don’t think anyone starts out totally comfortable talking to strangers. It’s uncomfortable. But to become an attractive man, that’s what you gotta do. Get good at talking with strangers.
But how?
I’ll give you two plans right here, and right now.
The first plan is a warm up, before going into bars and clubs. In fact, in the first plan, you’re not allowed to go into clubs or bars at all to pick up chicks.
The second plan you will go into bars and clubs. But the objective still isn’t to pick up chicks. It’s just to get a skill. Getting women attracted along the way will just be a cool by product. Haha
Before I give you the two plans, let me give credit where credit is due. Plan #1 comes from Lance Mason’s Pick 101 and Plan #2 is based on Mystery’s Newbie Drill. And they both work like gangbusters.
PLAN #1
STEP #1. Take a 15-30 minute walk everyday for 30 days. Rain or shine, EVERY DAY. Find a park, a street with shops on it, a mall, anywhere that people can be found.
STEP #2. Smile. Smile at everyone. I know it might feel weird at first, but the idea is to practice being friendly. When you see a woman of particular beauty, looking her in the eye and smiling will be a natural.
STEP #3. Say “Hello” to at least one person. It does NOT matter if they say “Hello” back or even look up. Who cares if you get a reaction? Your objective isn’t a reaction. Your objective is simply to be friendly. If they can’t be friendly back, that’s their problem, not yours.
STEP #4. The first woman you see on your walk, stop her to talk. Extend the conversation past hello. You can say something as simple as “Beautiful day.”
Once you say that, you can vamoose. No need to say anything else. Feel free to stay and talk, if things are going great.
STEP #5. Keep a checklist each day. Make a list numbered 1 – 30. Make three columns named: “30 min walk,” “Hello,” and “Conversation.” Check one box if you took a walk, one box if you greeted one person with a “hello,” and one box for stopping a woman and talking with her. If you want, you can just download this tracker I made for you. Plan #1 Tracker
Give yourself a HUGE pat on the back when you’ve got three checks. That’s awesome. Ever notice how we like to be hard on ourselves, forgetting to look at the GOOD we’ve done? Celebrating your victories, however small, creates this positive feedback loop that puts you on the path to success.
Again, don’t worry about impressing anyone. Just 1) smile, 2) be friendly, 3) get comfortable talking with strangers. That’s it. It’s even okay to say something as “boring” as:
“How’s your day going?”
You’re not trying to create attraction. You’re just being open, friendly, and kind to everyone. If a girl has something to do that prevents her from talking, that’s totally cool. Wish her a good day and move on.
What you’ll find–surprise surprise–is people are actually pretty friendly. As Lance once pointed out, even shy people want contact with each other. And most people are polite enough to engage in conversations. Women don’t want to be rude to you, especially if you are genuinely friendly, genuinely good-intentioned, and not trying to trick her.
Do this drill for 30 days. Once you reach the end of your thirty days, you’ll find you’ve just established yourself a great habit, that might just change your life for the better.
You’re ready for plan #2.
PLAN #2
Once you are comfortable talking to strangers and women, add attraction to the mix. The #1 tool for attraction is BANTER, or what Mystery calls NEGS. Here’s the plan.
STEP #1: Create a stack (a script) that includes 1 Banter line/neg, 1 DHV (a conversation starter), and 1 Qualifier (a question). Go over the stack 5x to get it into your memory.
STEP #2: Practice this stack in the mirror 5x to get your body language good.
STEP #3: Pick 4 nights a week to go out on. Commit to going out on those nights NO MATTER WHAT for at least 90 days. This is like an exercise program.
STEP #4: Make 10 approaches each night using your stack. The first 3 approaches are just warm-ups to get you into a talkative mood. If you don’t get through your stack, it’s okay. An approach can be as simple as “Hey.”
STEP #5: When you get home, keep track of your approaches. What will differentiate a great pickup artist from a good one is the action of keeping track. It helps you to reflect and it keeps you on track.
Here’s how to make a tracker for Plan #2: (If you want you can just download this tracker I made for you, too. Plan #2 Tracker pdf
Make a list and number it 1 – 40. These will be your approaches for one week. Make sure to date the week.
Under “venue,” record where you made your approach.
Under “set” record how many people were in the group you had approached, even if it’s only 1.
Under “Neg,” “DHV,” and “Qualify” check these off if you did them in your set. If things didn’t go well, chances are you didn’t do one of these things.
For “Result,” make yourself a key. Credit goes to Brad P for this. For example, “B” = blowout, “>5” = if the conversation lasted under 5 minutes, and “<5” = if it lasted more than 5 minutes. You can also add stuff like “#” for number close (best way for a # close is simply to say: “You seem really cool. Are you single?”), “K” for kiss close, and so on. Under “Result” keep track of your results.
Under “Notes” jot down any notes, like stuff that went good or stuff you need to improve on. Recognize the mistakes and know what to do better next time, but ALWAYS make sure to celebrate the good, too.
This will add up to forty approaches a week, 160 approaches per month, and 480 approaches in 90 days. If you keep this up for a year, you’ll have close to 2,000 approaches. You will taste mastery. Guaranteed.
So, right now, make that checklist for Plan #1, and commit to making a daily walk for 30 days. Then start a walk NOW. You’ll see how fun and easy it is. You’re on your way.
Practice is the only way to success with women. All the great pickup artists went through the same exact drills. The cool thing is… after a while, it’s not even about women. It’s about knowing who are more, and becoming your best self.
And that’s what being an attractive man is all about.
Let me give you the BEST technique EVER for practicing your gambits.
Practice in the mirror.
Simple as that.
I first read about this technique in a book called “The Magic of Believing” by Claude Bristol.
This is what Bristol said. Winston Churchill practiced in the mirror before he ever made a speech of importance. Billy Sunday would practice in the mirror before his famous sermons. He’d bound across the room, gripping his table, lecturing his reflection in the mirror.
When I was a kid I used to do theater, and I noticed actors would ALWAYS rehearse in the mirror before getting on stage.
And when I was learning pickup, I found that whenever I practiced my gambits in the mirror before hitting the field my sets went AWESOME! It’s because I could see myself. When I didn’t practice in the mirror beforehand it was like I was going in blind. My success rate plummeted.
Pickup is like being on stage. So why not practice in the mirror first?
Now, why does this damn technique work so well?
This is my theory, at least.
First, you’re speaking with your subconscious.
The subconscious communicates best through pictures and symbols. So, by creating a positive picture of yourself in the mirror, you give your subconscious a clear and positive command to fulfill. Then when you’re actually in set, your subconscious will make those positive messages come true.
Bonus: others will pick up on the positive messages on a subconscious level, too. ATTRACTION!
Second, you’re increasing your self-awareness.
You see what you’re doing well and you see all your cricks. The more self-aware you are, i.e. the more you can SEE yourself, the stronger you’ll be. You won’t be thrown off kilter when people sling shit at you.
Third, you create good habits in solitude.
You’re like a musician practicing before he performs. Or a basketball player practicing his foul shots. You create good habits in peace. Then those habits will be automatic in the field. When you encounter the “dissonance” of the field, you can handle it. You’re equanimous.
I mean look at it. When you think about it, what is confidence really? You’re confident driving a car, right? That’s because you’ve done it a thousand times. It’s automatic. Same thing when you create good habits. You’re capable and at home.
Here’s how to do the technique.
1. Look at yourself in the mirror. See how fucking AWESOME you are. Notice the transfiguration take place.
2. Do the gambits on yourself. Rehearse your words and voice. Observe your body language.
3. Tweak your presentation… until you get something that makes even you feel “attraction.”
4. Apply the gambits in field. This will drill all your learning into your bones. It’s like the bar exam.
This is THE technique that made me succeed in my approaches. Hands down.
Try it out… right now. Pick a banter line, a DHV, and a qualifier. Practice them in that order until you see an approach that KICKS ASS. Then go out and practice that one stack in the field.
Your success rate will sky-rocket. Guaranteed. Half the battle of approach anxiety is psychological. Take care of all that before you step on the field, in the mirror. It’s some of the best time you can spend. You’ll become more self-aware, and you’ll be ready for anything.
“Success depends upon previous preparation, and without such preparation there is sure to be failure.” — Confucius
“By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” ? Benjamin Franklin
“Spectacular achievement is always preceded by unspectacular preparation.” ? Robert H. Schuller
To have a successful approach, be prepared.
All of us get approach anxiety. It’s fucking scary. Be-lieeeeeeve me, I know. Those of us guys who actually grit our teeth and approach–awesome! But a lot of us still don’t know where to take the interaction, and we’ll run out of things to say. Ever happened to you? Sure as hell happened to me. Then we run away with our tail between our legs, and hope to never approach again.
Blagh (that’s a throw-up sound).
Solution?
Be prepared BEFORE you approach. Know where you wanna take an interaction. By the way, your goal is qualification. Qualification is the turning point of an interaction from the attraction phase to comfort. In addition to knowing where you’re gonna take things, you also gotta know what you’re going to say.
In other words, BE PREPARED. Your chances of a successful approach will go up in proportion to how prepared you are.
Knowing each thing you’re going to say is called a “gambit.”
What’s a gambit?
The word comes from the game of chess. Remember, pickup is like chess. It’s an intellectual game that takes strategy. That’s why it’s NEVER recommended to drink alcohol when you’re out picking up (unless you’re Tucker Max). You need your mind to be as clear and sober as possible.
Anyway, the word comes from the Italian gambetto, literally, the act of tripping someone, from gamba leg (source: www.merriam-webster.com). The word was originally used in 1561 by a Spanish priest Rúy López de Segura, from an Italian expression dare il gambetto (to put a leg forward in order to trip someone). The Italian word gained the Spanish form gambito that led to French gambit, which has influenced the English spelling of the word. (source: wikipedia)
In chess, a gambit is when a player offers his opponent one or more pawns to gain an advantage in position at the beginning. It can be either ‘accepted’ or ‘declined.’
The Benko Gambit, a well-respected gambit. Credit: chesscorner.com
Conversation soon borrowed the word. In conversation, it can be a remark to open up a conversation. It’s a stratagem. It can be a word or phrase which helps one express what he or she is trying to say. In pickup, it can be as simple as a roll-off.
There are 3 categories of gambits for the attract phase:
Category 1: Sexual tension (negs, banter lines, role play). Short term attraction.
Category 2: DHVs (stories). Substantive, long-term attraction. What kind of person you are…
Category 3: Qualifier (questions). What kind of person is she?
I can hear the eye-rolling. Memorizing gambits? That’s silly. Things should be spontaneous. That’s what I thought too. But consider these three arguments why it’s not silly.
First of all, hoping good conversation magically just happens? Are you serious? That’s a passive way of looking at things. Man, take leadership, and make a good conversation happen.
Second of all, check out this beautiful passage from the novel “Immortality” by Milan Kundera:
“If our planet has seen some eighty billion people, it is difficult to suppose that every individual has had his or her own repertory of gestures. Arithmetically, it is simply impossible. Without a doubt, there are far fewer gestures in the world than there are individuals… We could put it in the form of an aphorism: many people, few gestures.”
We all use gambits without our being aware of it. The language we use, the jokes, the sayings, the facial expressions, the gestures… how many of them are truly original, and how many are borrowed and learned?
Third of all, learning gambits is like learning to play a musical instrument, like piano. You learn a piece and practice it until it flows out of you naturally. You don’t just play it, but you play it. In the process, you become familiar with the language of music. Soon, the piece becomes yours. It becomes spontaneous. It becomes art. And when you learn gambits, you’ll pick up the language of attraction.
So, learning gambits is like learning to play a piece of music. It’s like training to become a musician or artist. Even Michelangelo or Donatello copied the great masters in order create their own masterpieces.
So, here’s how to practice gambits.
First, pick ONLY ONE gambit from each category. Pick more than that and you’ll confuse yourself. You’ll suffer from analysis paralysis.
Second, practice the 3 gambits. Practice each 5 times by yourself to memorize them. Practice the delivery 5 times in front of the mirror to get the body language and facial expressions right. Now you’re ready to try em in the field. Practice each 5 times in the field.
When memorizing, try to understand what the gambit is trying to say. You don’t have to memorize word for word, but understand the theme. That way you can create your own, and it can flow out of you naturally. The fun of learning gambits is handling them so your own voice shines through.
Third, choose 3 new gambits. After you’ve practiced each gambit a total of 15 times, or it feels like it’s yours, you may pick a new gambit from each category. Step-by-step you’ll have a full repertoire to work with. Mystery once said he has about 300 gambits in his head ready at any time. But it took time to get to that point.
Practice your gambits each day like a musician practices his scales or a basketball player practices his foul shots, until this attraction language becomes a second language.
Approach anxiety? Gone. You’ll find you can’t wait to try out new gambits on the girl who works in a coffee shop, a cashier, the bartender, a group of girls in the lounge, whoever. It won’t be about “getting” her, but just sharing a little joy. And that’s the key to a successful approach.
But I do know that in 2010, romance novels accounted for 13.4% of mass market book sales (source: www.rwa.org). $1.358 billion was spent on romance novels in that year. Neither classic literature nor science fiction nor mystery nor religion earned a billion dollars in sales. And 91% of the readership of romance novels is female. Think we can learn a thing or two about women from romance novels?
How many of you guys heard of a book called “Dangerous Men and Adventurous Women”? If you haven’t checked it out yet–HIGHLY recommended. It’s all these romance writers talking about what it is about romance novels that appeals to women so much. It can help us learn about women and what they want.
I read this one essay called “The Androgynous Reader” by Laura Kinsale and it gave me a mini epiphany into why women love romance novels. Check this out…
Women seem to read romances the way we read centerfolds. In this essay, Kinsale claimed female readers identified less with the heroine. What they really liked about the novels is the hero. She uses this quote from a female reader (among others) to make her case: “If [the hero] isn’t in in the first chapter or two, I’ll put the book down. It’s just boring.”
She says women enjoy that sexual admiration. The way she puts it: “it’s a simple, erotic, and free-hearted joy in…desirable maleness.” Just like we to admire the tits and ass of a centerfold, women like to admire the desirable masculinity of the hero.
Case in point, the Twilight series. And now Fifty Shades of Grey. How many women read the Twilight book because they wanna be just like Bella (she’s the “heroine” of Twilight)? I’ve even heard girls say they like the Twilight movies in spite of Kristen Stewart. It’s not Bella women flock to Twilight for. It’s to experience that relationship with a man like Edward (vampire guy) or Jacob (werewolf guy).
But notice the difference between a centerfold and a romance novel. We LOOK at a picture of a naked chick. There ain’t no guys in the picture. Heeeeeell, no. In fact, better if it’s two chicks are going down on each other or something.
Pure male fantasy. Haha Credit: Alan1828 at Deviantart.com
In romance novels, though, women EXPERIENCE being in a relationship with an ideal man. It’s sex with love, with emotions, a story-line, struggle… it’s like this whole internal experience.
The centerfold? It looks nice. No love necessary. In fact, it’s more an external experience.
This was the other epiphany I had. It’s incredible how central love is to romance novels, including Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey. I’ve been watching the Twilight series with my girl, fascinated, learning what women want. Watching the movies made me realize how incredibly important LOVE is to women. Women want to be loved voraciously by a man, and she wants to love him voraciously in return.
Now who is this ideal man of hers?
Yes, good-looking, but there’s way more to it.
He has a painful past, he has suffered, he’s wounded. As a result, he lives outside the structure of civilization, doesn’t give a damn, a melancholy rebel. He rejects the standard guidelines of society, the established norms and behaviors, the restraints of social conventions. It’s as if he represents the force of physical nature, amoral, ruthless with a sense of power, and leadership. He’s got an edge, depth. No bullshit here.
Women want him, but he’s like whatever.
But he meets the heroine of the romance… there’s something different about her. He sees beyond her beauty, beyond her physical surface, and falls in love, in spite of himself, with her inner qualities that make her different than other girls. He pursues the heroine relentlessly like a beast, an animal, a panther stalking his prey. He’s like a sexual threat. She finds him dangerous and exciting.
He’s strong, PROTECTIVE, masculine. Yet gentle, compassionate, feeling, and tender at the same time. He’s got character, integrity. Noble, sophisticated, gentlemanly. Perhaps he can even play an instrument. Sensitive, never wimpy.
She falls desperately in love with him. And out of all the women in the world, she can teach him how to be happy again.
It’s been said the great poet Lord Byron created the model for the romantic hero in his long poem, Childe Harold’s Pilgrimage.
Lord Byron (1788-1824)
Apparently his hero was so well received, it was copied over and over again from Emily Bonte to romance novels today. The term “Byronic hero” even entered the language of literature. Models we can follow in this tradition (without having to read romance novels) is Count of Monte Cristo. Or even Batman (not as much Superman).
Takeaway?
Stay strong. Don’t care what others think of you. Serving a higher purpose than self is more important. In other words, stay masculine. Yet be kind and empathetic, too. Appreciate a woman not for her physical beauty, but her inner qualities that make her unique. And always take the sexual lead… in fact, be a sexual threat. You don’t have to marry her. We can be that mysterious stranger passing through town that sweeps her out of this ordinary world, into a more extraordinary world. Women want love. Let’s give her love, while always still staying the man.
I read the passage below a few years back while getting over a broken heart. It helped. The idea of it might upset some. But I know it helped me to feel freer, and as a byproduct, be more successful with women.
The passage comes from a chapter called “Detachment” in a book called “Awareness” by Jesuit priest Anthony DeMello. I know it’s a little long. But it’s totally worth it.
Do this little exercise for a few minutes: Think of something or someone you are attached to; in other words, something or someone without which or without whom you think you are not going to be happy. It could be your job, your career, your profession, your friend, your money, whatever. And say to this object or person, “I really do not need you to be happy. I’m only deluding myself in the belief that without you I will not be happy. But I really don’t need you for my happiness; I can be happy without you. You are not my happiness, you are not my joy.” If your attachment is a person, he or she is not going to be very happy to hear you say this, but go ahead anyway. You can say it in the secrecy of your heart. In any case, you’ll be making contact with the truth; you’ll be smashing through a fantasy. Happiness is a state of non-illusion, of dropping illusion.
Or you could try another exercise: Think of a time when you were heartbroken and thought you would never be happy again (your husband died, your wife died, your best friend deserted you, you lost your money). What happened? Time went on, and if you managed to pick up another attachment or managed to find somebody else you were attracted to or something else you were attracted to, what happened to the old attachment? You didn’t really need it to be happy, did you? That should have taught you, but we never learn. We’re programmed; we’re conditioned. How liberating it is not to depend emotionally on anything. If you could get one second’s experience of that, you’d be breaking through your prison and getting a glimpse of the sky. Someday, maybe, you will even fly.
I was afraid to say this, but I talked to God, and I told Him that I don’t need Him. My initial reaction was: “This is so contrary to everything I’ve been brought up with.” Now, some people want to make an exception of their attachment to God. They say, “If God is the God that I think He ought to be, He’s not going to like it when I give up my attachment to Him!” All right, if you think that unless you get God you’re not going to be happy, then this “God” you’re thinking of has nothing to do with the real God. You’re thinking of a dream state; you’re thinking of your concept. Sometimes you have to get rid of “God” in order to find God. Lots of mystics tell us that.
We’ve been so blinded by everything that we have not discovered the basic truth that attachments hurt rather than help relationships. I remember how frightened I was to say to an intimate friend of mine, “I don’t really need you. I can be perfectly happy without you. And by telling you this I find I can enjoy your company thoroughly–no more anxieties, no more jealousies, no more possessiveness, no more clinging. It is a delight to be with you when I am enjoying you on a non-clinging basis. You’re free; so am I.” But to many of you this is like talking a foreign language. It took me many, many months to fully understand this, and mind you, I’m a Jesuit, whose spiritual exercises are all about exactly this, although I missed the point because my culture and my society in general had taught me to view people in terms of my attachments.
I’m quite amused, sometimes, to see even seemingly objective people like therapists and spiritual directors say of someone, “He’s a great guy, great guy, I really like him.” I find out later that it’s because he likes me that I like him. I look into myself, and I find the same thing coming up now and again: If you’re attached to appreciation and praise, you’re going to view people in terms of their threat to your attachment or their fostering of your attachment. If you’re a politician and you want to be elected, how do you think you’re going to look at people, how will your interest in people be guided? You will be concerned for the person who’s going to get you the vote. If what you’re interested in is sex, how do you think you’re going to look at men and women? If you’re attached to power, that colors your view of human beings. An attachment destroys your capacity to love.
What is love? Love is sensitivity, love is consciousness. To give you an example: I’m listening to a symphony. What is a loving heart? A loving heart is sensitive to the whole of life, to all persons; a loving heart doesn’t harden itself to any person or thing. But the moment you become attached in my sense of the word, then you’re blocking out many other things. You’ve got eyes only for the drums; the heart has hardened. Moreover, it’s blinded, because it no longer sees the object of its attachment objectively. Love entails clarity of perception, objectivity; there is nothing so clear-sighted as love.
Rejection feels incredibly personal, but it isn’t. Women respond to our skill level, not to who we really, truly are at our core. Whatever perception she might have of us is impermanent and changeable. Her false perception of us isn’t reality, it’s her illusion.
There’s “actual value” and “perceived value” of a person. Credit goes to Lovedrop’s book Revelation for this insight. Actual value is a person’s actual character. These are real and have a real influence in the world. But they’re not easily known.
Perceived value, on the other hand, is the surface stuff. It’s the limited information, cues, and signals we see on the surface to judge someone’s value, in lieu of not knowing what a person’s actual value is.
The skill of success with women is all about communicating our actual value in terms of perceived value. Attraction has to do with persona, not a person’s actual substance. We have to PRESENT ourselves well, as well as work on ourselves as men.
Getting better with women, then, is like learning how to do a better lay-up in basketball. It’s just a skill. As my basketball coach used to always tell us, perfect practice makes perfect. Women’s rejection of us has to do with our skill level, not with our intrinsic worth as a person. Happily, a skill is learnable—by anyone.
Now, that’s all well and good on an intellectual level, but if her rejection still has you in pain, USE the emotion. Don’t surrender to it. Here’s an action plan how to do this. Credit goes to J.R. Ridinger for this insight.
STEP #1. Identify the emotion. There are two ways people deal with emotion. They either ignore it or feed it. Don’t do these. Instead, feel the emotion. Next, put a label on it. Is it anger? Sadness? Frustration? What category does it fall under?
STEP #2.Clarify the emotion. Ask yourself, “what is the emotion telling me?” Emotion is information. There’s a reason you’re feeling an emotion. Analyze the emotion to understand why you’re feeling that way.
STEP #3.Identify the action signal. Ask yourself what you can DO about it. There’s basically two actions you can take.
A. Change your perception.
B. Change your procedure.
In other words, you can change the way you think or INTERPRET whatever is making you feel the negative emotion. Or you can change your BEHAVIOR so the negative situation doesn’t happen again.
When a woman rejects you, ask what’s the SIGNAL to change? Change either your negative thoughts, or your negative behavior. This way YOU take control of emotion, rather than it control you. You make it USEFUL.
Last point. Despite any rejection from a woman, NEVER give up. KEEP on the track that you’re on. Her rejection is not of you. It’s of your skill level. Keep honing the skill. And you’ll make it through to the other side. Her rejection can empower you.
“It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.” – Confucius
How did Style get so successful in the game? According to him it was these things:
1. Hang out with people better than you: He hung with Mystery. Obviously that might be a little more difficult now, but there are other guys out there you can find that are good with women. When you hang out with that guy, he’ll rub off on you. You’ll SEE him in action. And you’ll learn subtle lessons from him a book could never capture. If you can’t find anyone, models on tape or video are a good temporary substitute.
2. PRACTICE: Style went out all the time and PRACTICED pickup. You can’t learn how to surf from books. Same thing with women. When you practice pickup, you’ll fail. It’ll hurt. But failure is the backdoor to success. And your learning will go from your head into your BONES.
3. Learn in small chunks: Style learned in chunks. He didn’t try to get a threesome before learning how to approach first. Master opening first. Next, master “negs.” Next, “DHV,” next qualify, next isolate and so on until you learn how to stack orgasms.
4. Learn from your mistakes: No situation is impossible. There is ALWAYS a solution to a problem, and ANY obstacle can be solved. The most difficult situation you can imagine, like a girl surrounded by 8 guys or a girl on her way out the door or a girl who’s heard your opener already, can be solved.
5. It’s YOUR fault: If something goes wrong, it’s not her fault. She’s not a bitch or mean or uptight. YOU did something to make her feel uncomfortable. Look to yourself for what went wrong in the situation. Think about how you could do it better next time. And do it better next time.
6. Don’t take it personally: Take in all criticism, and take a hard look at yourself. If the criticism is true, then learn from it. If the criticism is garbage, throw it away. Rather than waste energy being “hurt,” use the info to better the skill.
7. Preparedness: Before going out, Style would study his routines and structure until he knew them like the back of his hand. He would then fold up the piece of paper, put it into his back pocket, and forget about it. He’d go out into the field, and just flow. His sets would go awesome.
Know what you’re going to say, and what you want to accomplish before you approach. This will allow you to take the lead, move things to a destination, and detach your ego from the results. The focus will be on improving your SKILLS rather than being on an ego trip.
Then if you REALLY wanna skyrocket your success, TRACK your results! When you track, don’t only criticize yourself. Acknowledge the good, too. You can tell who’s going to be a great pickup artist by the ones who get scientific, and track their approaches.
Some other nuggets that helped him in the field:
Belief: whatever is possible you can manifest—so believe it, and do it despite any obstacles that get in your way. It WILL happen
Make sure she orgasms before you—that way she’ll always come back for more.
When approaching a mixed set, as long as you show the guys respect, they will be cool with you
There’s a book called “Mastery” by George Leonard.
Highly recommended.
In it, Leonard says mastery isn’t a final place of arrival. It’s simply a practice. In other words, mastery isn’t a goal or destination, but rather a process or journey. He makes the point that mastery isn’t a special ticket available only for the super-talented, it’s available to anyone who’s willing to get on the path and stay on it, despite any obstacles or plateaus that we’ll inevitably encounter.
In Double Your Dating, David DeAngelo, following Leonard’s wisdom, claimed it takes about 2-4 years just to get “good” at something. And that’s JUST TO GET GOOD. (page 21 of DYD) Like martial arts, or playing an instrument, it takes time to master an art. Then David D speculates it takes another 2-4 years to become a “master.”
In Neil Strauss’s Annihilation video series, Mystery said he thought that when a pickup artist could approach 5 beautiful women in a row and each approach resulted in a “sexual” relationship of some sort, a pickup artist could be said to have achieved mastery.
But Leonard says even when you’re at these levels, you’re still not a master unless you keep the attitude of you’re a beginner. In other words, if you get complacent, you’ll lose it. More importantly, I think his point was we’ll always have more to learn.
So, there’s no final place. Not even a Medal of Honor makes someone a master. Mastery is just being on the path, a never-ending path of growth.
I still want to master success with women. But I have to remind myself that I’m not on this journey for glory, but for the deep joy that comes from practicing and growing.
So from Leonard’s perspective, mastery with women is absolutely possible—as long as we keep at it.
A never-ending path of growth–mastery with women unconcealed
