Just made my first video. It’s based on a classic passage from Double Your Dating about being the selector rather than the selectee. Let me know what you think.
Tag Archives: david deangelo
Here’s another great insight about relationship maintenance. Comes from Sherrie Rose.
She came up with the concept of a “Love Bucket.”
Her idea: Every woman desires 7 things to feel happy in a relationship. You don’t need to meet all 7. Just find the 3 – 5 most important to her and meet those.
If you do this, you’ll raise her femininity, and she won’t want to leave you. You’ll get respect from her, intimacy, more freedom, admiration, she’ll support you on your terms, and love.
I came across Sherrie, again, through DeAngelo’s Interviews With Dating Gurus series. When I had first heard it, it had helped me understand what I did wrong and right in my relationships.
Let me just say here at the outset, these apply to when you’re in a monogamous relationship… and you want to keep it alive. Before you get into a relationship, though, it’s important to create attraction. That’s where game comes in. You know, being a challenge. I wrote a post about that called: “Game.” Check it out, if you’d like.
In the meantime, here are the 7 rings:
- Sex: Give her sex and orgasms.
- Contact: a) Physical Contact, like: hugs, caresses, hold hands. b) Non-Physical Proximity Contact, like: phone, text, email.
- Recognition: Acknowledge her, appreciate her, compliment her, pay attention to her, see the good in her, find out what makes her tick, connect emotionally with her.
- Provisions: a) Provide for her financially. For example, paying for dinner. b) giving her gifts: flowers, jewelry, clothes. c) giving her exciting experiences: concerts, trip to the mountains, and so on
- Do For, like: a) doing a chore for her: taking out the trash, making a lunch for her, doing her laundry, making her dinner. b) using your talents to help her: fix things, fix software, read her manuscripts.
- Do With, like: a) doing day-today things together: shop together, wash dishes together. b) or doing core activities together: playing golf together, traveling together, going on dates together.
- Lifestyle: Having personal values in common and how you live together. For example, how you are in the home, with family. How you maintain your health, hygenie. What moral and spiritual values you have in common.
Of the 7, the two most crucial are probably sex and lifestyle. If the sex goes, the relationship goes. And if you don’t have deepest values in common, it’s gonna be hard to see eye-to-eye and keep the relationship going.
Speaking of keeping the relationship going, Sherrie has another great concept called “Lovematism.”
She says it’s the basis for enduring love. Or, as she puts it, it’s “love on steroids.”
She said she came up with the concept when looking back on her best relationships. She realized she had felt connected with a man on four levels. Here they are:
- Sexual Magnetism of Body: attracted physically, sexual connection
- Mental Hypnotism of Mind: intellectual connection, attitude, confidence, how the person thinks
- Emotional Rhythm of Heart: Emotional connection, empathy, opening your heart to each other
- Spiritual Mysticism of Soul: spiritual beliefs in common, connecting on a spiritual level, do spiritual activities together.
They’re like four pistons of an engine. Never all up at the same time. But the more pistons you have working, the stronger the bond and love. Great concept to help understand the success of a relationship.
Finally, she argues there are 3 basic mind-states.
Here they are:
- Base Mindset: Physical, survival drive. Drive for food, sex, safety. Where the emotions live. We spend most of our time here.
- Conscious Mindset: Where logic fits in. Stands outside of emotions to look at the bigger picture.
- Omni Mindset: Where logic and emotion integrate. Going beyond the “me” mode to serve a higher purpose. Where love and freedom live. What’s best for the greater good. The spiritual level.
She argues men tend to be more logical, women more emotional. Women can be logical too and men emotional. We all travel up and down the pyramid.
But she encourages men to be more logical, especially when a woman gets into the survival/emotional mode. We can direct them and help them back on track. You know, be that solid pillar for them. If we do this, she won’t derail us or work against us. Besides, taking the lead is attractive for her. Cause it’s masculine.
Speaking of taking the lead, she encourages us to take the lead in filling her love bucket, too. Fill hers first, and she’ll fill yours in return.
Outer-game is cool. In fact, I think one of the best ways to change your inner-game is to practice good outer-game. It’s like the whole “Fake it till you make it” thing.
But here’s the problem. Especially a problem you see with a lot of pickup artists.
They’re all outer-game, and no inner-game. They’ll spend lots of time learning routines and lines. And you know what? They’ll work. But all that focus on outer-game is like a woman putting on a lot of make-up. She might look good, but once the makeup’s off… not so much.
If you’ve got no inner-game, you’ll have a hard time keeping her around. She’ll like you for your lines, not for who you are behind the mask.
Besides, if you have a strong inner-game, the outer-game will flow out of you more naturally without having to memorize routines. Don’t get me wrong. You definitely need technique. I’m just saying if technique is all you’ve got, you’re gonna be an empty shell.
That’s why I wanted to share with you this idea about self-esteem. High self-esteem isn’t about “feeling good.” It’s about being able to cope with the challenges life throws at you.
And it’s about knowing you’re deserving of happiness. In other words, you don’t need the outside world to esteem you. You don’t need approval from women to feel esteem. You don’t need compliments to feel esteem. Esteem comes from within.
It’s like a strong immune system. People with high self-esteem get sick less often. And when they do get sick, they bounce back from it faster. It’s a strong inner-game.
That definition of “self-esteem”… and the term itself… was invented by a psychologist named Nathaniel Branden.
His classic book about it is called “The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem.” I thought it might be useful to share what those six pillars are.
They’re actually six PRACTICES. They’re not meant to be done once. They’re meant to be done over and over again for the rest of your life. Like brushing your teeth or taking your vitamins. Practicing these strengthens inner-game. It’ll build your house of outer-game on rock, not on sand.
Here are the six practices:
1. Living Consciously.
A lot of us walk through the world as if we’re in a room with the lights shut off. We can’t see what’s in front of us, so we bump around. If someone asked you, “Do you want the light turned on?” Of course you’d say yes! Living consciously is like turning the light. With light, you’re more aware of the world and yourself.
This is accepting the warts, weaknesses, insecurities and dark shadows of your soul, as well as the good, strengths, confidences and virtues. Not trying to be “perfect.” Accepting yourself as you are. How can you leave a place if you don’t you know where you are?
You don’t blame others. Instead you look at yourself to see how you may have been a cause. Relationships are a two-way street. If something goes wrong, it’s not that she’s a bitch. Or outside a relationship, he’s an asshole. It’s looking at yourself and seeing what I can do better next time.
This is about standing up for yourself and standing up for what’s right, even if you might get ostracized. Asserting what you want and like, even if you get condemned or made fun of. Having the ability to say no, even if a person doesn’t like it.
5. Living Purposefully.
Having goals in your daily actions. It’s not just having goals but creating an action plan. It’s not just having an action plan, but executing it. It’s not just executing it but looking at the outcome to see if you’re on the right track or not. Having goals gives direction.
Consistency between what you think, say, and do so they all match. If you say you’re going to do something, then do it. If you have a certain belief, don’t just preach it, do it. Integrity is honesty. Having what’s inside you be what’s on the outside.
I first learned about these practices when I listened to David DeAngelo interview Brandon on his “Interviews with Dating Gurus” series.
I thought it was fantastic. I asked myself which pillar was my strongest and weakest. I found assertiveness was my weakest and have been working on strengthening it ever since. And I’ve been getting better.
Here’s a question Branden offered to help us strengthen a practice. He suggests asking yourself: “If I could bring 5% more <pick a practice> into my life, then I would <an improved action>…”
For example, “If I could bring 5% more assertiveness into my life, next time I talk to friends about a movie I like, even if they don’t like the movie, I won’t deny I like it, but I’ll say I like it. Even if they make fun of me.”
The great thing about the question is it doesn’t say “Be more assertive!” That’s meaningless. It asks what small step can you do today to increase assertiveness.
The other great thing is the question helps us find the answer to what’s holding us back for ourselves. Instead of an outside force… like a psychologist or teacher… telling us what to do, we can discover it for ourselves. By thinking for ourselves.
So, what’s your weakest pillar? Your strongest? And how can you bring 5% more of these practices into your life?
If we strengthen what’s behind the mask while tweaking our outer “mask,” we’ll sub-communicate AND communicate an inner-strength and light. And the difference between the two of them might fade. Talk about attraction…
Let’s talk about building comfort and trust with women.
There’s a beginning, a middle, and an ending to every courtship. You and I know that. But let’s do a quick review for the hell of it.
The beginning is attraction, the middle is comfort, and the ending is seduction.
Begin with attraction. Don’t open in seduction or comfort. I’ve seen guys open girls with “Hey baby nice tits.” And I’ve seen guys open with “So, where are you from?” before she knows anything about them. There’s a time and place for that. But not in the beginning.
First, spark attraction! Push her away, pull her in, make her laugh, and demonstrate an engaging and masculine personality.
After she shows signs she’s attracted (e.g. she’s still talking to you, her body is facing yours, she’s laughing and engaged, when you qualify her she complies), establish comfort and trust. Some guys might wanna skip comfort and jump into seduction right away. And others might think they have to keep negging her and playing hard to get. No. Shift gears and connect.
How do you connect and build comfort and trust? We’ll dig into all that in a sec.
After you’ve established enough comfort and trust (spending about 4-7 hours with her), physically escalate her to sex. One mistake guys will make here is to stay in the comfort zone. Other guys will keep cracking jokes, making her laugh. I’ve been in both those places. But at some point you’ve gotta switch the mood to a seductive one, be bold and make a move towards foreplay and sex.
Okay, so there’s a quick review. I just wanted to paint a backdrop for where comfort happens.
Now let’s dig into COMFORT.
I mean, there’s not a whole lot out there on it, right? There’s more stuff on attraction and seduction… the glamour phases. But not much on building comfort and trust. So, what I’d like to do here is give you a little map of the sequence, so you don’t get lost.
And as always, I wanna give credit where it’s due. Obviously, these aren’t my ideas. Mystery was the genius who invented this map.
Here’s the basic idea of the map…
There’s a beginning, middle, and ending to the comfort phase, too: C1, C2, and C3.
The idea is you want to show you’re not some skeezeball out to get sex from her. You want to show you’re a human being just like her. You want to show you’re not a “stranger.”
And you want to connect with her on an emotional level.
But there’s a strategic sequence to all this. Follow the sequence, and it can help us lead women seamlessly to sex. It installs booby traps for the friend zone. And it’s an ETHICAL way to build her desire for sex with us, so she actually WANTS it.
Let’s check out each phase.
C1: IN THE PICKUP LOCATION
After you’ve gotten some indicators of interest from your target, isolate her. Move her and her group of friends if necessary to a nice sit down location within the venue you met her.
Or, you can isolate her within her group of friends.
For example, while in her group of friends, you can say to your target, “I want to show you something.” Turn your back to her friends, and do something like The Cube on her. That way there’s no weirdness on both the girl and her friend’s parts about you separating a girl from her pack of friends.
In either case, once in isolation, enjoy each other’s company. Now all those questions, “so, where are you from?” can be asked. She’s already attracted, so you can ask those kinds of questions.
You still need to be a bit of a challenge though. You’re not like “You like me? Holy shit! Well, I like you, too! I mean, you’ve got great taste. Wanna make out?”
Just because she likes you, doesn’t mean a thing. That can change with the drop of a hat. Still be DEVELOPING attraction for her.
You can do this by asking her more qualification questions. For example, “So, what do you want to be when you grow up? And don’t say princess.” You want her to say things of interest so you can be like, “You like Tool? No WAY!” By the way, you can still qualify her in C1.
Here’s another tip. Never isolate a girl from a two set. Meaning, if a girl is there with just one friend, don’t leave her friend alone and alienated. Isolate them both.
When you do, make sure the target sits between you and the obstacle.
Speak with the obstacle so the target can hear what you’re saying. And while you’re speaking with the obstacle, physically escalate the target.
If you sit with your target for at least 25-40 minutes, you’ll at least get a solid number close. You can do a kiss close during this phase, too.
But C1 is simply defined by location. You’re isolated with her in the pickup location.
C2: IN PLACES NOT CONNECTED WITH THE PICKUP LOCATION OR THE SEDUCTION LOCATION
After you’ve spent about 25-40 minutes with her in C1, invite her to join you in another venue. This is called a “bounce.” The first bounce is a trusting thing.
You’re still a stranger to her. Are you going to compromise her safety? She doesn’t know you yet. But if you take her into another venue and you act completely normal, safe, and make her feel comfortable… trust has been established. And it makes inviting her to your place easier later on.
Also, when you enter a new venue together, you’re no longer “strangers.” You have a “couple” feel. Hello comfort. Good bye strangers.
And feel free to bounce her to multiple venues. Hang out in 5 locations during the course of one night and it will feel like she’s known you longer than if you hung out in 1 location for the same amount of time. It’s weird how the works, huh.
Here’s some things to keep in mind for this phase.
#1. Have fuuuuuun. What does like EVERY personal ad by a woman say? Exactly. She wants a man she can have fun with and who makes her laugh. Well, man, have fun. One way to do this is to take her to fun, eclectic places like the scene below from “Good Will Hunting.”
Or you can have fun over a cup of tea, too. It’s just an eclectic place has props and fun stuff in the environment to play with. How do you have fun? Pretend you’re three years old again in a sandbox and you don’t need to impress anyone. Make yourself laugh. Chances are she’ll have fun, too.
#2. Kino. Get comfortable holding hands and kissing. Hollywood movies have it wrong. DON’T wait to kiss at the end of the night. It’s always awkward. Kiss and touch before the end of the night and all throughout it. Kissing is not a seduction tactic but a comfort-building one. She’ll get more and more comfortable with your touch. This makes the bridge over to seduction land a cinch to cross over later.
#3. Continue to build commonalities. Get curious about her. Listen. Genuinely appreciate what she has to say. And here’s a quick conversation tip. After she answers a question of yours, comment on her answer before asking another question. It forces you to listen, and it lets you avoid transforming into the dreaded “Interviewer.”
#4. Be social. Taking her into multiple venues, and making light conversation with the bartender or cashier or people at the bar lets her see you’re a social person. A real human being. And being able to get along with others is an attractive quality.
If you’re unable to bounce her that same night, set up a date to see her again right there and then. That’s called a “Time Bridge.” Make sure to set a time and place to see each other though. Saves having to play phone game later.
So, C2 is defined by location, too. You’re spending time with her away from the pickup location but not in the seduction location… yet.
C3: IN THE SEDUCTION LOCATION
After you’ve spent three or four hours with her going on these mini-dates, invite her to the seduction location. For example, the living room of your apartment. If you’ve spent enough time in C2, it makes the chances higher that she’ll come over.
Don’t pounce on her when she comes in. Build more comfort and trust.
Show her around. Get her a drink. Have her sit on the couch with you. Put on some music. “Come on in, take a seat, hang out.”
When she comes in, you’re NOT in seduction yet. Again, show her her safety is not compromised by being alone with you in a seduction location.
The door is unlocked, the blinds are up, she can leave anytime she wants. You’re not going to force sex on her. No threat, no pressure whatsoever.
Here’s some things you can do.
Have some cool stuff laying around, like a cool book to look through on your coffee table. You can even have the “Book of Questions” handy or Zen cards or a Dream Interpretation book or play dough or whatever might make a girl say “What’s that?”
If you play a musical instrument, play her a song.
Here’s another idea. I got it from David DeAngelo. You can listen to your voicemail messages while massaging her hand. It’s like a reality time-warp into a time and place where it feels like you’ve known each other for months. The point is, you’re not skeezing her out. You’re still establishing comfort and trust.
Here’s one more idea. You can do your grounding sequence. In fact, definitely do your grounding sequence here.
A “grounding sequence” is when you ground your identity with her reality. Instead of saying “I’m a writer” which might feel abstract to her, you can tell a string of 3-7 stories about how you became a writer so it grounds you to her, and makes your identity more relatable. How you became who you are today from childhood, through adolescence, through college, and beyond. So, she feels like she knows you.
Make sure to do the same for her. Stop after one of your stories and ask “what about you?” Let’s say she says she’s going to school for nursing: “You’re going to school for nursing? Amazing. How’d that happen? How’d you become who you are?”
This usually happens in C3, but can also happen in C2.
Now, before you’ve brought her into the seduction location, you’ve kissed. You’ve held hands. You’ve bounced her. You’ve gotten to know her.
So, it’s natural that after you’ve talked a bit in living room, you’d kiss her again. But this time, it’s a longer kiss. And you begin to arouse her. Stop, take her hand, and lead her into the bedroom.
You’ve officially left the comfort phase, and you’ve entered the final one, seduction.
After you’ve attracted her and made her laugh, spend at least four to seven hours getting to know her. During that time, kiss and kino. Connect. And take her into as many fun venues as you can. Seduction… without the buyer’s remorse or the last minute resistance… won’t be far behind.
I want to share with you an idea that changed my thinking about how to be successful with women.
It came from “Double Your Dating” by David DeAngelo.
This is what he said:
“…women have a ‘shadow’ or dark side.
This dark side is secretly wanting a man that is in control of himself, his reality, and them.
But they’d never admit it – often not even to themselves.”
When I first read that, it gave me a MASSIVE jolt in my thinking.
He went on…
“But their unconscious knows and recognizes this as something that they want. They hold a kind of inner CONTEMPT for the weak people (especially men) who give them everything they want…”
A lot of us guys think we have to put a woman on a pedestal for her to like us. We have to kiss her ass. Buy her drinks at a bar to get her to talk to us. Get her flowers and jewelry to woo her. Spend lots of money on dinner before she’s even had sex with us to get sex. And later down the line if she gets upset or acts bitchy, just put up with it.
Basically, keep spoiling her like a brat.
The funny thing is, the more we do that kind of stuff, the more we turn her off. She’ll see us as “Oh, he’s just a guy I use to buy me things” or “he’s just my boy toy.” It’s counter-intuitive, but she resents and disrespects a guy who gives her too much.
I understand it’s not politically correct to say this. But what women really want is a guy who’s in charge. A guy who doesn’t put up with her bullshit and who’s not afraid to call her on it–respectfully, of course. A man who expects her to carry her own weight. Who doesn’t reward her bad behavior. Who isn’t afraid to draw boundaries.
She doesn’t want to dominate a guy. And I think you and I can agree that we don’t want to be dominated by a woman. Would that make you feel like a man? Of course not. Being in control of yourself and them (as a leader, NOT an oppressive dictator) does.
Well, good news is, a woman wants a dominate man. She might have her life together, but she still wants a man who can dominate her, someone who can rescue her, someone she can look up to. A dominate man allows her to relax, surrender, and he makes her feel like a woman.
I’ll give you a quick example.
Let’s say you approach a woman and in the middle of your opener she starts looking at her phone. Or if her friends come in, she starts talking to her friends, leaving you out.
I don’t know about you, but that’s just plain rude.
Like you, I’ve been in that situation. It sucks.
You could just go along with it.
Or, you could say something like “Hey, party’s over here” if she’s looking at her phone.
And “Introduce me to your friends, it’s the polite thing to do” if she’s talking to her friends without acknowledging you.
(Credit goes to Tyler Durgen for the first line and Mystery to the second line. I use em all the time. Veeeery effective.)
The point is, call her on her shit–respectfully.
I guarantee she’ll stop what she’s doing and she’ll make some excuse for her rudeness, then pay full attention to you. I’d put money that she’d feel more attracted to you because she might say to herself, “Here’s a man that won’t let me get away with my bullshit. This is a man I can respect.”
A woman wants a man who can take control. She doesn’t really want to be the one who has to make all the decisions or manipulate you and get her way by acting like the world revolves around her. She wants to dance with a man who takes a strong lead and who keeps her in check.
Domination is a HUGE turn on for women. You could say it’s THE key to attracting women.
I was listening to a David DeAngelo interview with a guy named Gay Hendricks about what makes a successful relationship.
Gay Hendricks is a psychologist with a PhD from Standford. He’s written a lot of books on the subject of relationships and the mind-body connection. 25 of those books were written with his wife, who’s also a psychologist. They got some acclaim when Oprah featured them together on her show. And ever heard of the underground classic “Radical Honesty“? He helped Brad Blanton publish that book. But his best credential is probably that he’s been married for like 30 years and he and his wife are still in love.
His take was it takes 3 things to keep a relationship alive.
1. Complete and total honesty. Most of us humans walk around the world deceiving others and deceiving ourselves. If you’re completely honest with her, and she’s honest with you, neither of you hide. Instead, you allow yourself to be seen completely. Transparent. That’s how you get intimacy. And that’s how you get communication.
2. Take responsibility for your own actions. We humans are also quick to criticize, point the finger and find fault with each other. We do all that before we look at ourselves and see our part in things. It always takes two to tango. If something goes awry, it’s not that she’s a bitch. You had your part to play in things. Before blaming or criticizing, look to yourself first and learn what you could have done better. She must do the same. This creates a positive environment, not a negative one. Who wants to be in a negative environment? Create a positive environment. Don’t criticize. Rather, see her good, and take responsibility for yourself.
3. Have your own life, and always seek to grow. A good relationship is one where both people can develop as human beings. Seek to grow continuously, and find a woman who wants to grow and develop herself continuously, too. Otherwise the relationship will become co-dependent and will choke you and her. Love your woman, but love her second. Don’t make your relationship #1. She’ll feel smothered. Make your deepest purpose in life #1.
4. I’d add a fourth thing: sex. Woody Allen said it best: “once the sex goes, the whole relationship goes.” Without sex, what do you have? Exactly. A friendship. Sex is a super-glue. It keeps a couple together, and it keeps the passion alive. Sex is communication. It creates physical intimacy and unity that words alone can never accomplish.
A lot of people when they get into a relationship, think all the work’s been done. Why put the effort in anymore? They stop stop looking or being their best, most attractive selves. Everything you did to win your woman by putting your best foot forward, NEVER STOP DOING.
Keep creating sexual tension, keep being interesting and being the man, have a life outside the relationship, and don’t ever stop being that obnoxious couple. Once you stop, that’s when the relationship goes south. Keep creating those wonderful feelings you felt at the beginning of a relationship. And keep seeing the best in her.
The poet-artist Kahlil Gibran
talks about relationship and space in the chapter “On Marriage” in his book “The Prophet.” Here marriage refers to relationships, too:
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillar of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadows.
Ever wondered what cocky-funny looks like?
Cocky-funny, for those of you who don’t know, is the technique David DeAngelo made famous in his ebook “Double Your Dating.” The idea isn’t to kiss girls’ asses. It’s to play a certain character. A guy who’s cocky, and pushes the girl away, playfully.
Basically, it’s banter. But it’s magic when it comes to creating sexual tension.
Totally counter-intuitive, because you’d think being the perfect gentleman and being super-nice and perfect attracts chicks. Uh-uh. The reality is pushing her away, being the cocky guy who doesn’t take himself too seriously is what attracts women.
Especially when you first approach women. Banter. Within the first two sentences. You wouldn’t think it works. It’s scary because you think you’re being mean or something. But believe you me. It’s magic.
If you want to see cocky-funny in action, check out Han Solo with Leia, especially in Empire Strikes Back.
Or Rhett with Scarlett in Gone With the Wind.
Sexual tension, pulling her in and pushing her away and believing you’re the catch, is the key to creating attraction with women.