Tag Archives: relationships

“How to Breakup” by Neil Strauss


Here’s an article Neil Strauss wrote. It’s from his website www.neilstrauss.com. Through his experience he found there’s one, and only one, way to breakup. It’s so excellent I posted it verbatim below. He wrote it July 1, 2011:

How to Breakup

A few weeks ago, in the Comments section, I promised to write a full post on how to break up with a girlfriend or boyfriend.

After learning The Game, I became great at getting into relationships. But I never learned how to get out of them. As a result, I ended up spending as long trying to get out of some relationships as I actually spent in them. A few of these situations became ugly: I remember a cast member of The Pick-Up Artist driving me to an ex-girlfriend’s house who was drunk, had a gun in her hand, and was threatening to kill herself.

So, through trial and error—mostly error—I came to learn that there is one, and only one, way to break up. This doesn’t mean that there will be no tears and no pain, but it does guarantee there will be less than any other method.

Step One

Be Decisive: A lot of people are wishy-washy about ending a relationship. They think they want to break up, then as soon as there’s a little distance or drama or a bad date, they panic, worry that they made a mistake, and get back together again. This can drag on for months, sometimes years. So, first, make sure this is something you really want to do, that this really is the wrong person or relationship for you or that this person is psychologically incapable of having a healthy relationship.

Step Two

Communicate Directly and In Person: Next, sit down with them in person. I advise listing their good qualities first to them, not because you need to build up their self-esteem, but because they’re probably going to know what’s coming after you say the word “but” and this gives them a little time to prepare themselves emotionally. Even if it isn’t a shock to them—in fact, even if it’s something they want too–the human ego is such that being the person who breaks up is much easier than being the one broken up with. (At least initially, but more on that later.) Afterward, answer any and all questions as gently and honestly as possible. It’s okay if you shed some tears yourself in the process. This next point applies to a specific few of you, but, no, you are not allowed to have sex “one last time” after breaking up.

Step Three

Give A Grace Period: Tell your now-ex that you can’t see each other after today, but you will be available by phone or text any time he or she wants to call, to ask questions, or even to yell at you for the next week or two weeks. If you are living with the person, then obviously you will have to also allow a week or two for you or them to move out or find a new place. If one of you can avoid the house during this process, this is preferable. Either way, in this period, don’t be an asshole and start going on dates. You’ve waited this long; you can wait another week or two.

Step Four

End Communication: Explain also in your initial discussion that after the two-week grace period ends, then a no-contact rule will go into effect until you both have fully let go. Tell them that if they call or text after that, as hard as it’s going to be for you, you’re not going to respond so that you can allow yourself and her to move on. Remember that every time you communicate with an ex in the throes of a breakup, it resets the clock on their (and often your) recovery time.

Step Five

Stick To It: This is the most difficult part of the whole process. Often, even if you want them to leave, as soon as they actually move on—not just leave, but stop having strong feelings for you—most people experience the pain and separation anxiety of the loss. This is when many people get weak, start to obsess about the person they broke up with, and try to win them back. (Men tend to do this more than women—my pet theory is that it equates in the subconscious to the fear of losing one’s mother’s love as a child). Some people like to repeat the words of the Sting song in their head: “If you love someone, set them free.”

In addition, not only are you not allowed to have direct communication at this stage, but passive contact is also forbidden. This means, no checking their Facebook and Twitter feeds or profiles. It’s always best that neither of you knows what the other is doing: don’t be an emotional masochist.

Step Six

Be Aware of the Process: According to the Kubler-Ross model of grief, expect the person to go through the following stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. For most people, the bargaining phase is the most difficult to not give in to: often, the other person will invent some highly plausible pretext (something they left at your house, important work advice they need, etc.) to talk to you again. Stay steadfast, and if it’s something they absolutely need or can’t figure out without you, determine a way for them to get it that doesn’t involve either of you speaking or seeing each other.

Step Seven

Move On: First of all, not everyone is capable or wants to be friends with their ex’s. But when is it right to get back in contact with an ex if you do want to be friends with them? There are different theories on this: some say when you’re both in a new relationship, others say it takes half the time you dated someone to get over them. But the right time is simply when you stop thinking about when the right time is to get in contact with them—and so do they. The right time is when neither of you has anything you need, want, or expect emotionally from the other person. Then, for the first time, when a real friendship develops, you can both honestly accept and express your responsibility for what went wrong in the relationship, rather than blaming the other person.

– Neil Strauss

Pickup Product Review

There’s a lot of stuff out there on how to be more successful with women. Where do you begin? I’ve gone through a lot of it, and not all of it is created equal. I made a my personal list of what I think is the best, what’s okay, and what I liked the least. You can find it here.

For now, here’s a quick overview of how to cut through all the crap.

First, start with an overview:

  1. Double Your Dating ebook, David DeAngelo – Great overview on attraction.
  2. The Game, Neil Strauss – Inspires you for what’s possible with women.
  3. Mystery Method, Mystery – The theory and big picture behind that possibility. Watch VH-1 Pickup Artist on Amazon if you want to see the theory in action.

Second, PRACTICE. These products will help you do just that.

  1. Rules of the Game, Neil Strauss – forces you to get out into the field… but only for 30 days
  2. Charismatic Conversations, Lance Mason – THE BEST to help you get success. This product emphasizes the attract stage. Later on, I’d recommend Zero Drama Dating & 60 Minute Seductions for seduction and dating multiple women.
  3. 30/30 Club, Brad P – picks up where Rules of The Game left off. It will take you to mastery level. Forces you to make 30 approaches per month for 1 year. Online coaches to help you along the way. You get every one of his products, including his fashion stuff.

Third, while you’re out practicing, especially with the help of the 30/30 Club, you’ll have time to work on your sexual skills and inner-game. In my opinion, these are some of the best products to help you do just that.

  1. Sex:
    • Sexual Mastery, Alex Allan
    • Give Women Wild Screaming Orgasms, Hot Phone Sex, Advanced Sexual Hypnosis, David Shade – in that order.
    • Secrets of Sensual Lovemaking, Tom Leonardi
    • How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time, Nora Hayden
  2. Inner-Game/Masculinity:
    1. Inner Game
      • Way of the Superior Man, David Deida
      • How to Want What You Have, Timothy Miller
      • Awareness, Anthony DeMello
    1. Masculinity
      • No More Mr. Nice Guy, Robert Glover
      • Iron John, Robert Bly
      • Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants, Elliot Katz
    1. Skills
      • When I Say No I Feel Guilty, Manuel J. Smith – great on assertiveness.
      • How to Win Friends & Influence People, Dale Carnegie – great on general social skills.

Finally, there are three big areas of life to get together: health, wealth, and relationships. As your success with women increases, here are some products to help you get the two other areas of life under control, too.

  1. Health: p90x, Tony Horton & Beachbody
  2. Wealth:
    • Think & Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill
    • Rich Dad Poor Dad, Robert Kiyosaki
    • MarketAmerica.com, JR Ridinger

Ultimately, the change will happen not through products, but PRACTICE. Practice is the best “product” you can get. And it’s free.

The word “Slut” is Bullshit

Let’s talk about “Last Minute Resistance” for a sec.

There’s a myth about this.

The myth is you have to deal with a woman’s last minute resistance to having sex with you right before sex.

Of course getting that last minute resistance does happen.

But if you deal with last minute resistance EARLIER in your game, by eliminating the word “slut” from your vocabulary, you won’t have to deal with the resistance so late.

Often times her resistance has to do with not feeling comfortable enough having sex after meeting you so soon.

She doesn’t want to be seen as a “slut.” If she resists, it makes her feel like she’s not being slutty.

She needs to feel like it “just happened”…

you’re not going to judge her…

her friends aren’t going to judge her…

you’re not going to never call her again…

you’re not going to broadcast the news over the internet.

So, make it clear having sex is AWESOME! It DOES NOT EQUAL slut. And take the decision-making process out of her hands. YOU take the lead, so she doesn’t have to take responsibility for it. Make it so that she can tell her friends “it just happened” or “it was his fault.”

Most important, make it clear earlier during your comfort-building conversation you respect women who are adventurous, spontaneous, who love sex. Plant that seed early on and she’ll be less likely to resist sex later on at the last minute.

When you’re NON-JUDGMENTAL, you AVOID last minute resistance, and you make her feel comfortable with sex.

But that’s not the only reason you should eliminate the word “slut” from your vocabulary.

Honest-to-God the whole concept is…

Bullshit.

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T.

BULLSHIT!

There’s no equivalent word for a man. I mean the word is derogatory. It’s an insult for women. What word is there in our language to insult men for sleeping with lots of women?

What’s that you say?

Male slut? Pimp? Ladies’ Man?

Compliments. All of ’em.

Why? Why is it a compliment for men to sleep with lots of women but it’s wrong for women to have that same freedom?

In logic, when two premises collide like this, it’s called inconsistency. Inconsistency is an invalid argument.

Language is funny. You can actually create a reality out of language.

What do I mean?

Man and woman having sex. Sheer fact. Nothing good, nothing bad about it.

Then you apply the word “slut” to the woman.

All of a sudden, it makes a woman feel uneasy, nervous, guilty… basically like shit… for something that’s…

JUST FUCKING SEX!

A FACT of life… that BOTH the man and woman are doing.

A fact of life that’s creative, pleasurable, brings life into the world, binds people together, loving.

A fact of life that’s GORGEOUS.

Slut = moralistic judgment based on a human construction, not reality.

The word “slut” is bullshit. The sooner you get rid of that thinking, the sooner women will want to fuck your brains out.

Make her feel safe. A no-slut zone does just that.

Han Solo, Rhett Butler, and Cocky-Funny

Ever wondered what cocky-funny looks like?

Cocky-funny is like cleavage.

Cocky-funny, for those of you who don’t know, is the technique David DeAngelo made famous in his ebook “Double Your Dating.” The idea isn’t to kiss girls’ asses. It’s to play a certain character. A guy who’s cocky, and pushes the girl away, playfully.

Basically, it’s banter. But it’s magic when it comes to creating sexual tension.

Totally counter-intuitive, because you’d think being the perfect gentleman and being super-nice and perfect attracts chicks. Uh-uh. The reality is pushing her away, being the cocky guy who doesn’t take himself too seriously is what attracts women.

Especially when you first approach women. Banter. Within the first two sentences. You wouldn’t think it works. It’s scary because you think you’re being mean or something. But believe you me. It’s magic.

If you want to see cocky-funny in action, check out Han Solo with Leia, especially in Empire Strikes Back.

Or Rhett with Scarlett in Gone With the Wind.

Sexual tension, pulling her in and pushing her away and believing you’re the catch, is the key to creating attraction with women.

Dealing with Conflict: “Praise, Correct, Praise”

This insight was a game changer for me. I learned it during a seminar at my Venusian Arts Coaching Training Program.

The idea is simple. Instead of out right criticizing someone, follow this “formula” instead.

First, praise. Sincerely. That means finding a positive detail about someone and praising it. A generic “yeah, yeah that’s good” won’t cut it. An honest-to-God detail you saw that you truly admired will. What if you can’t find a good detail? You CAN. There’s ALWAYS good to be found.

Second, correct. Now you can point out what it is that could be improved on.

Finally, praise again. Don’t end on a negative note. End on a positive note.

Most people just out right criticize each other, and find fault, instead of considering how it might make that person feel. Outright criticism puts a person on the defensive, feeds arguments, hurts feelings, and just plain breeds negativity.

But if you find the good in a person–genuinely–then gently point out what could be “corrected,” and finally emphasize the good again, it makes it more likely you or me or any one of us will listen to the “correction.” And, maybe best of all, it forces us to see the good (not just the bad) in each other.

Inevitably, we’ll have conflicts with our women. This technique is one great way to dealing with those. Agree or praise, then assert your view. Keep agreeing or praising, and gently asserting. It defuses negativity, allows a person to be “heard,” which in turn allows you to be heard.

In that way, it’s a great way of dealing not with just women, but with conflicts in general.

It’s easy just to tear down. But in the long run, it’s so much simpler to be on a person’s side.

credit: erospainter.com

Nothing is a Big Deal

Nothing is EVER a big deal.

If something doesn’t go right, no need to freak out. There’s always a solution to a problem. If you listen to the Stoic philosophers and to the Taoists, they seem to believe things will work out one way or another.

And in the larger scheme of things, whatever the “big” deal is, is never really THAT big of a big deal. In fact, I’m constantly getting reminded that pain is usually something to learn and grow from, not to freak out over. Wouldn’t you agree?

So, remain calm. You can handle it whatever life throws at you. You can handle it.

It’s an attitude that’s attractive to women, no doubt. I mean, how are we to supposed take care of our women, and be a strong man for our women if we can’t keep calm in the storm that’s life?

But more important than being attractive to women, it’s a critical attitude to have for life in general. I repeat this mantra to myself whenever things don’t go right, and it always helps me to stay calm and focused.

After all, what really IS the big deal? Haha

Men are like Fire, Women are like Water

“Men are like fire–quick to ignite and quick to extinguish. Women are like water–slow to boil but keep on boiling” – a Taoist expression as quoted by Sex Coach Kim Amami, from July/August 2012 Playboy

We’ll be better lovers if we can learn to prolong our arousal.

How?

Relax the muscles around the groin, and breathe out the tension. The tenser we are around the groin, the closer we get pushed over the edge. The more relaxed we are, the longer we’ll last.

Game, Part 2: Unity of Opposites

Tension comes from opposition

Why is the whole dating process called “Game”? What’s the constant throughout the attract, comfort, and seduce stages? What unifies and binds them together as one? The answer might help us play the Game like a master.

Here’s my thought: Game has to do with the interplay between interest and disinterest.

It’s about giving and taking away.

Take a step forward and a step back.

You’re interested but not quite.

I like you, but you can’t have me…yet

Push the boundary and back off (before she pushes you away first).

Show warmth and freeze out

Yes, no.

In other words, we guys have to be the ones to show interest in the girls first. We make the first move. But we must also temper that interest with disinterest. We have to push her away first before she does (or else game over).

When we push her away it creates an empty space between us and her that draws her toward us, like a magnet.

We pursue that which retreats from us.

That’s the Game. You draw near and retreat at the same time, over and over again.

Women enjoy feeling desired. At the same time she wants to be challenged and earn our affections, too.

The Game begins in A-1 (approach) the FIRST SECOND we approach. Approaching her is a show of interest. So, as soon as we approach, within the first two sentences we must also lean back, begin to walk away, say we’re leaving soon, or tease/neg her mercilessly.

It continues through A-2 (attract). When we tell stories or demonstrate our value, again, we’re showing interest in her. We wouldn’t be investing all that time and energy to tell her a story if we weren’t interested. So, during a story we also neg the target to balance our show of interest: “Ewww, I don’t want her”—all in the name of play of course.

It continues through A-3 (qualify). Asking questions is a show of interest. But a QUALIFYING question, like “What have you got going for you besides your looks?” shows you might be disinterested, too.

Compliments must have spice, too. Ironically spice makes people feel more comfortable with a compliment. “Oh my God, you’re a ballerina? (props) I can’t even talk to you (push away)!” You appreciate her but you give a “spank” at the same time.

A good spank here and there can be a good thing

It happens in physical escalation. You touch her hand but throw it away, you smell her but tell her “I’m not in that mind space,” kiss her and then say “that’s enough.”

It must happen in comfort. Although the emphasis is on building a connection and less on showing “disinterest,” we must still sprinkle in banter and spice. It must never stop, even when we’re married to her with kids.

It happens in foreplay and sex. You smell her neck for ten minutes but never touch her. You lean in to kiss her but you back off. You kiss all around her pussy but you don’t lick her clit yet. You tease her pussy with your cock but you don’t put it in until you’re ready.

The undercurrent of challenge is always there: pushing her away yet pulling her toward you, pulling her toward you yet pushing her away. That’s what Game is all about. And it keeps the romance alive in a relationship.

The Game is NEVER played in a mean way, but in the spirit of a game, of play, of fun. It’s all about balancing opposites: balancing your show of romantic interest with a show of romantic disinterest.

Why must we play “Games” at all? Can’t we just be honest and tell her we want her?

Believe me, I’ve tried many times. Women, simply don’t respond to it.

Again, we pursue that which retreats from us.

So, we beat her to the punch (her retreating from us) by retreating and showing disinterest first. We have to do this, because women are not always particularly nice to us when we approach them.

Not only that, women seem to enjoy this way more. Seeing it written down, she might deny it. But in actuality they respond to it.

And it makes sense when you think about it.

On one hand, men who approach women with blatant sexual interest, makes her feel like a piece of meat. On the other hand, men who approach women by bombarding her with a zillion questions or kissing her ass, just because she has a great ass, doesn’t make her feel that “spark” either.

Playing the Game, doesn’t put her on a pedestal and doesn’t treat her like a piece of meat. It’s the middle way. More importantly, it allows us to interact with her like a normal human being. It makes her feel safe and comfortable. And it allows her to come to us.

With game, our interest isn’t aggressive and obvious but gentle and indirect. At the same time our disinterest shows her we’re strong, honest, and in charge. Our interest becomes more than about sex. She’s no longer just a piece of meat. Our interest becomes about being with her and finding out who is she beyond her looks as a real human person.

The road to sex becomes a process, not a destination.

It’s funny, when we see a banging body we get turned on and we’re ready for sex INSTANTLY. It almost doesn’t even matter who she is. See great body, ready for sex.

Yep. Ready for sex.

Women, on the other hand, are not ready for sex instantly just by seeing a great body. They need to find out who the person is (she risks more than we do by having sex). So, she plays the Game intuitively on us to screen us.

If we play the Game with her in return we’re on a level playing field. We’re speaking the same language.

Now her sexual interest can ignite and slowly simmer to a boil as if she’s the water in a pot and we’re the fire beneath.

We must play the Game because women respond to it with pleasure. It doesn’t matter if she’s a college student or a tenured professor: The Game speaks to the woman inside her. It’s a dance. It’s fun and interesting not just for her but for us, too.

We must play the Game to communicate in her language of juicy emotion and coy indirectness rather than our language of dry logic and brute directness.

But the good news is it’s truly just a game, there’s no real substance to it. Her rejection or acceptance of us has little to do with who we really are as people, but with the level of our skill.

There’s also no substance to Game because a guy who has higher social status–the equivalent of a woman’s banging body for us guys–is just as superficial. Status is an image, an illusion.

It says nothing about our true worth or value as a human person. It’s called Game, because truly, it’s bullshit. That doesn’t mean we bullshit her. It just means it’s not real. It’s not personal.

It’s just mixing disinterest with interest, and interest with disinterest. It’s laughing it off. It’s make-believe. It’s play. It’s fun.

It’s a game.

It’s all just play

Always Make Her Feel Important

“The desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature.” – John Dewey

“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” – William James

“Always make the other person feel important…

All of us want to feel important. We don’t want empty flattery, but we do want recognition of our worth.

So let’s obey the Golden Rule, and give unto others what we would have others give unto us.

How? When? Where? The answer is: All the time, everywhere.” – Dale Carnegie, “How to Win Friends” page 100-101.

This passage has been a revelation to me, so I wanted to share it with you. It applies to me, to you, to everyone, and it especially applies to being more successful with women.

DON’T buy her a drink!

Let her buy YOU a drink instead Picture Credit: datingish.com

Don’t buy women drinks. Yes, I know the rule. And I would have NEVER violated it. But ONE time it worked. Big mistake. Huge.

I violated the rule while I was becoming more successful with pickup. I opened this hot chick at a dance club–while she was dancing with her boyfriend–and she asked me to buy her a drink.

I knew the rule. But she was practically begging me.

We flirted at the bar over her drink. She wrote her number on the edge of a coaster when the other guy wasn’t looking and slipped it to me. When the club closed, she asked me to go to a strip club with her afterwards.

Schwing!

That’s when I ERRONEOUSLY thought, Maybe buying chicks drinks ain’t such a bad thing.

WRONG!

Then the next week happened.

I opened two girls at a bar. One was this bohemian type with tattoos up her arm, drunker than a sailor. The other girl was a hot brunette with big tits that were practically falling out of her tank top. Target: Big Tits.

They were giggling and touching me. Tattoo Girl went off to be drunk somewhere, and Big Tits and I started talking.

Tattoo Girl came back and said “I wish I could get another drink.”

Now the funny part was she wasn’t even saying it like she wanted me to buy her a drink. She was just thinking out loud. Normally I would have ignored the comment, but after the last week I thought, “why the hell not?” I bought shots for the three of us.

BIG MISTAKE!

The entire dynamic changed. I went from cool-guy to guy-to-take-advantage-of. The girls went from facing me, to facing away from me. The feeling was disgusting.

Luckily, I recovered. We still exchanged numbers. And we even flirted with the possibility of a threesome.

But the change of the dynamic was so nasty, and I had come so close to screwing things up, that it taught me NEVER to do it again.

Don’t buy her a drink!

That means:

a) Don’t offer to buy her a drink. She’s heard it so many times, you’ll stand out about as much as a gnat on a wall. Besides, she’ll let you buy her a drink and then you’ll never see her again.

And

b) Don’t buy her a drink if she asks you to. Instead, either ask her to buy you a drink. OR tell her you wanna get to know her first. Either way, the whole drink thing is a power game. Don’t play by the rules of this game. It’s rigged against you. And hell, why pollute the interaction with money? She should like you for you, not because you bought her something.

It’s such a ridiculous concept. Why do we have to buy her something in order for her to talk to us? Is our value as a human being that low? Or is the concept that in order to get sex we have to buy her something first, as if sex is a favor she has to do for us? Fuck, give her orgasms and she’ll be begging for it.

Whatever.

Get money out of the interaction. Money changes things. You’ll be categorized as “guy to use.”

Rule of thumb: don’t spend lots of money on her (a cup of tea’s okay) until AFTER you’ve had sex with her. Until then, keep the interaction pure.