Tag Archives: romance

The Romantic Hero

What do women want?

Ahhhh, the age old question.

For the record, I have no idea.

But I do know that in 2010, romance novels accounted for 13.4% of mass market book sales (source: www.rwa.org). $1.358 billion was spent on romance novels in that year. Neither classic literature nor science fiction nor mystery nor religion earned a billion dollars in sales. And 91% of the readership of romance novels is female. Think we can learn a thing or two about women from romance novels?

How many of you guys heard of a book called “Dangerous Men and Adventurous Women”? If you haven’t checked it out yet–HIGHLY recommended. It’s all these romance writers talking about what it is about romance novels that appeals to women so much. It can help us learn about women and what they want.

I read this one essay called “The Androgynous Reader” by Laura Kinsale and it gave me a mini epiphany into why women love romance novels. Check this out…

Women seem to read romances the way we read centerfolds. In this essay, Kinsale claimed female readers identified less with the heroine. What they really liked about the novels is the hero. She uses this quote from a female reader (among others) to make her case: “If [the hero] isn’t in in the first chapter or two, I’ll put the book down. It’s just boring.”

She says women enjoy that sexual admiration. The way she puts it: “it’s a simple, erotic, and free-hearted joy in…desirable maleness.” Just like we to admire the tits and ass of a centerfold, women like to admire the desirable masculinity of the hero.

Case in point, the Twilight series. And now Fifty Shades of Grey. How many women read the Twilight book because they wanna be just like Bella (she’s the “heroine” of Twilight)? I’ve even heard girls say they like the Twilight movies in spite of Kristen Stewart. It’s not Bella women flock to Twilight for. It’s to experience that relationship with a man like Edward (vampire guy) or Jacob (werewolf guy).

But notice the difference between a centerfold and a romance novel. We LOOK at a picture of a naked chick. There ain’t no guys in the picture. Heeeeeell, no. In fact, better if it’s two chicks are going down on each other or something.

Pure male fantasy. Haha Credit: Alan1828 at Deviantart.com

In romance novels, though, women EXPERIENCE being in a relationship with an ideal man. It’s sex with love, with emotions, a story-line, struggle… it’s like this whole internal experience.

The centerfold? It looks nice. No love necessary. In fact, it’s more an external experience.

This was the other epiphany I had. It’s incredible how central love is to romance novels, including Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey. I’ve been watching the Twilight series with my girl, fascinated, learning what women want. Watching the movies made me realize how incredibly important LOVE is to women. Women want to be loved voraciously by a man, and she wants to love him voraciously in return.

Now who is this ideal man of hers?

Yes, good-looking, but there’s way more to it.

He has a painful past, he has suffered, he’s wounded. As a result, he lives outside the structure of civilization, doesn’t give a damn, a melancholy rebel. He rejects the standard guidelines of society, the established norms and behaviors, the restraints of social conventions. It’s as if he represents the force of physical nature, amoral, ruthless with a sense of power, and leadership. He’s got an edge, depth. No bullshit here.

Women want him, but he’s like whatever.

But he meets the heroine of the romance… there’s something different about her. He sees beyond her beauty, beyond her physical surface, and falls in love, in spite of himself, with her inner qualities that make her different than other girls. He pursues the heroine relentlessly like a beast, an animal, a panther stalking his prey. He’s like a sexual threat. She finds him dangerous and exciting.

He’s strong, PROTECTIVE, masculine. Yet gentle, compassionate, feeling, and tender at the same time. He’s got character, integrity. Noble, sophisticated, gentlemanly. Perhaps he can even play an instrument. Sensitive, never wimpy.

She falls desperately in love with him. And out of all the women in the world, she can teach him how to be happy again.

It’s been said the great poet Lord Byron created the model for the romantic hero in his long poem, Childe Harold’s Pilgrimage.

Lord Byron (1788-1824)

Apparently his hero was so well received, it was copied over and over again from Emily Bonte to romance novels today. The term “Byronic hero” even entered the language of literature. Models we can follow in this tradition (without having to read romance novels) is Count of Monte Cristo. Or even Batman (not as much Superman).


Stay strong. Don’t care what others think of you. Serving a higher purpose than self is more important. In other words, stay masculine. Yet be kind and empathetic, too. Appreciate a woman not for her physical beauty, but her inner qualities that make her unique. And always take the sexual lead… in fact, be a sexual threat. You don’t have to marry her. We can be that mysterious stranger passing through town that sweeps her out of this ordinary world, into a more extraordinary world. Women want love. Let’s give her love, while always still staying the man.

3 Things You Need to Fall in Love

credit: http://dc.wikia.com/wiki/Falling_in_Love_Vol_1_17

A while back I read about this experiment done at SUNY-Stony Brook. It gave me a huge “aha” moment. In fact, it was this insight that had helped my success rate with picking up women jump to a whole other level.

Here’s the experiment. Psychologist Arthur Aron

Arthur Aron. Credit: http://www.psychology.stonybrook.edu/aronlab-/

conducted the series of experiments. He wanted to find out what makes two people fall in love.

A man and a woman were put into a room together. Never met before. For 90 minutes.

Before they went into the room, Aron said to each person that the other person was going to like them. Then he instructed them to share intimate stuff, like embarrassing moments and how they’d feel if they lost a parent.

So, these two strangers are put in this room together and they’re sharing intimate info with each other.

Every so often, a researcher would come in and tell them to say what they liked about each other. They’d do that.

And every so often, a researcher would come in and tell them to gaze into each other’s eyes for about two minutes without talking. They’d do that.

At the end of the experiment, the two strangers left through separate doors. But many confessed to feeling deeply attracted, and close, to the other person. In fact, one of the couples actually even ended up getting married… and invited Aron to their wedding. Haha.

When I first read this, it helped me understand how to pickup women. This is what I took from it.

We need three things to feel those strong feelings of intimacy and love with another person.

FIRST… you need SEXUAL TENSION. I mean, if you don’t have sexual tension, you basically have a friend, right? And in that experiment, the eye gazing thing is so intimate, I can’t see how it wouldn’t some spark sexual tension. Confident body language helps, too. Confidence is sexy.

SECOND, you need MUTUAL SELF-DISCLOSURE. This is huge. When two people share deep, EMOTIONAL, stuff about themselves–not just talking about the weather–you’re no longer strangers. You’re no longer on the superficial level. You can’t help but experience an emotional connection.

Emphasis, by the way, is on MUTUAL. A guy can’t just do all the talking. And she can’t do all the talking either. BOTH people have to mutually self-disclose. And that leads to the third thing…

THIRD, you need to discover that the OTHER PERSON LIKES THEM. Appreciation is huuuuuuge. Do you think we get enough of it? I don’t. I know we humans like to criticize and find fault with each other. You don’t always hear people looking for the good in each other.

Aron actually thought that this was THE major factor that helped two people feel the feelings of falling in love. Discovering that the other person liked them. Isn’t that cool?

In pickup, what that means is DON’T just “DHV” (Demonstrate Higher Value) or do all the talking. Ask about her. Qualify. If you like what you hear, appreciate her. And state your interest. It’s CRUCIAL to attracting a girl.

When I first read this, I was fascinated because it seemed to corroborate the theory behind the Mystery Method.

The Mystery Method also states you need three things to create attraction with a woman on a pickup.

For those of you unfamiliar with the Mystery Method, let me share.

Mystery (often billed the world’s greatest pickup artist)

Mystery Credit: www.venusianarts.com

thought that the courtship process had a beginning, middle, and an end.

FIRST, you gotta ATTRACT a woman, SECOND, you gotta build COMFORT AND TRUST with her, and THIRD, you gotta SEDUCE her. In that order.

Seduce first, and you’re the creepy Player. Start in comfort… “so where are you from? Nice weather we’re having”… and you’re Mr. Nice Guy. Attract first, then you can ask her where she’s from. Build some comfort and trust, then you can seduce her. My post “Top Ten Mistakes Men Make With Women” covers this in detail.

Anyway, Mystery thought that the attract phase (the first phase) also had a beginning, middle, and an end.

Stay with me here…

Here’s the attract phase.

FIRST, OPEN a girl. Spark sexual tension through banter (Mystery calls it “negging”), kino (touch), and confident body language.

SECOND, DHV. That means self-disclose something about yourself. It lets her know what you’re about.

THIRD, QUALIFY. Ask about her. Now she self-discloses. Mutual self-disclosure, baby! After she talks, STATE YOUR INTEREST (if she seems cool). In other words, appreciate her. This lets her feel liked. And genuinely so, because you found something in her self-disclosure that honestly vibed with you. Nice.

Now you’re onto connecting, conversation, and comfort. Very nice.

In other words, in every pickup, you need sexual tension, mutual self-disclosure, and appreciation.

Following these three simple rules completely transformed my pickup into consistent success.

But if you REALLY wanna fall in love… connect physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually with her. If you find a woman you can do this with, you probably won’t have to pickup women anymore. You’ve probably found your match. Haha

The name of the book where I read about this experiment is called

credit: amazon.com

Beautiful Women

Claudia Lynx Credit: http://www.640pixels.com/inspiration/30-most-beautiful-women-in-the-world.aspx


If you saw a woman like this, would you know what to do? How in God’s name would you EVER be able to attract her, let alone talk with her?

Here’s the secret.

I learned it from a guy named Rion Williams.

Her beauty is bullshit. That’s it. Simple, right?

These are his exact words:

If you cut through the B.S. exterior of a pretty woman’s faux social persona, she’s just an average girl…

You could say it another way…

There’s inherently nothing different between an average looking girl and a really beautiful one. Deep down they are still a woman and need loving.

~Rion Williams, p.227 “Men’s Guide to Women”

Okay, so what does that mean exactly?

A woman’s beauty is a social construction. We’re taught we’re supposed to put a beautiful woman on a pedestal JUST BECAUSE SHE’S BEAUTIFUL. Just because nature dealt her a decent pair of cards, we have to treat her like she’s some superior being? How ridiculous is that?

Looking beyond her appearance is a HUGE piece in success with women. They’re human beings.

I know it sounds like a cliche that there’s more to a woman than her physical beauty. But it’s true. Her real sexuality isn’t in her makeup or her skimpy swimsuits or the photography tricks.

Her real sexuality comes when she’s in the presence of a man who’s stronger than her feminine beauty. A man who doesn’t need to “possess” her or “get into her pants.” A man who serves a deeper purpose than getting sex or getting women.

So she’s beautiful. Cool. Whatever. Who is she? Is there more to her than her looks? Does she have a positive outlook? Is she curious about things? What kind of person is she? Who is she underneath?

Much like enjoying a beautiful sunset without needing to possess it.

Look past the shining radiance of her beauty. See her as if she were seven years old, before sex complicated everything. When you really get down to it, we all humans want the same thing. We want love. We want to love and be loved in return. Plato taught me that one. Symposium. Socrates’ speech. Check it out. Awesome dialogue.

So, when you talk to her like a HUMAN BEING nothing might happen between the two of you. That’s cool too. You’ll find yourself getting to know a lot more people in the process, and appreciating the fantastic diversity of humankind. And that ain’t such a bad thing.

Foreplay IS sex

It’s almost as if all you need to be a better lover is do what most guys don’t do.

Yeah, great. Thanks for that stellar insight. But what EXACTLY does that mean?

Spend MORE TIME turning her on and working her up.

If you wait to penetrate her, making her WANT you to penetrate her, by the time you penetrate her she’s already probably pretty close to orgasm.

Like, picture a graph. 0 is her picking her toenails and 10 is orgasm. If you wait to penetrate her when she’s at a 9 (or even a 10), it makes it more likely she’ll come while you’re fucking her. Right?

But I shouldn’t even mention penetration. Get penetration outta your mind. In fact, pretend you don’t have a dick. Pretend you’re a lesbian.

Okay, now that you got penetration out of the way, guess what her largest sexual organ is? HINT: it ain’t her pussy or her tits. It’s her BRAIN and her HEART. So, instead of stimulating her pussy, stimulate her feelings.

Stimulate Her Feelings

That means, first of all, start sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom. With your clothes on.

It’s weird, I know. But women get turned on different from us. We’re like a light switch. We see a nice ass. BAM! Okay, ready to go. Let’s get it on.

Women are more like a pot of water, though. Water doesn’t go from room temperature to boiling right away. You gotta keep it over the heat a little while. When it’s heated up, holy shit, it’s boiling. Niiiiiiice! So, spend more time making her feel good, desired, taken care of, loved, beautiful.

Drive out to the country. Go for a walk in a park. Have dinner at a romantic restaurant. Send her a text telling her you can’t wait to see her. Open the car door for her. Tell her she looks beautiful.

Here’s probably the most important part. Make her feel RELAXED and SAFE as well as make her feel BEAUTIFUL. And never EVER be judgmental. If you make her feel like shit, or like she’s undesirable and if she doesn’t feel relaxed or good around you, sex (and ESPECIALLY her orgasm) ain’t gonna happen.

To make her feel safe, first of all, be comfortable with sex yourself.

Second of all, never pass any sexual judgment.

Stay away from saying things like, “that’s weird” or “that’s gross.” No. It’s all good. You’re not afraid of sex. You’re totally comfortable with it. She’ll feel more safe to let go if you are. She knows you’re not going to laugh at her or pass judgment if her body’s shaking or she’s making those glorious sounds you hear only when she’s over the top.

When you think about it, it’s scary to let go. So, you gotta be man enough to catch her. In fact, you can even tell her, “I got you baby. I got you.”

And to make her feel relaxed, give her a massage, hold her, hug her. Put on some candles, some music, set the mood. A glass of wine doesn’t hurt either.

You ain’t going no where. You’re gonna take your time. If she doesn’t feel relaxed and safe, she’s not gonna reach the summit.

And another great tip I recently learned from author Tom Leonardi is: massage her legs, her feet,

her ass, her back. Guys rarely do this. Not only does it turn you and her on, but it goes a long way to relaxing her, too.

Finally, express yourself. Don’t be all silent. Make sounds. If you wanna yell, yell. If you wanna say “I wanna fuck you so hard,” fucking say it. If you want your dick sucked, tell her “I want you to suck my dick.” Communication doesn’t magically evaporate once you’re in bed. You MUST communicate even more when you’re IN bed.

And, let’s be honest here, what guy wants to be with a woman who’s all silent? Who wants to be with a pancake? Doesn’t it turn you on when you hear a woman making sounds of ecstasy and talking dirty? I know it does for me. And I know girls love it, too. When she hears us enjoying ourselves, it turns her on just like it turns us on. BONUS… it keeps her mind from wondering. It keeps her mind in the present moment.

Oh, and speaking of the “present moment,” making eye contact with her while you’re fucking her is AWESOME. It’s awesome, because you connect with her not just on a physical level, but on an emotional and even spiritual level, too.

So, after this largest sexual organ, guess what her second largest sexual organ is? Still not her pussy or her tits. Haha It’s her SKIN all over.

Stimulate Her Skin

Stimulate ALL of her skin.

Explore all of her body, no matter how “non-sexual.” For example, biting (LIGHTLY) the crease of her inner elbow can be a major turn on.

And speaking of biting, you don’t have to just kiss or lick. You can bite, lightly scratch, blow, suck…  It’s like you’re this artist with a palette of tools and colors to work with. But DON’T put your dick in her right away. Enjoy, man even savor, this beautiful woman right here, right now, right in front of you. It’s fucking amazing.

Foreplay isn’t separate from sex. It IS sex.

I learned these lessons from Tom Leonardi, Alex Allman, David Shade, Mirabelle Summers, Gabrielle Moore, and Ellen Eatough.