I’m psyched! My ebook’s coming out in December. The whole book’s about the most important aha moment I had while learning this stuff. I wanna share that moment with you right now:
“Don’t care what people think about you. Respect women. But more important than women, is serving a higher purpose than yourself.”
Those three sentences are what helped me become more successful with women. And it’s what my ebook’s all about.
In the ebook, I split each of those sentences into an ingredient:
Playful Challenge as “not caring what others think of you.”
Appreciation as “respect women.”
And masculinity as “serving a higher purpose than yourself.”
These three ingredients apply to every phase of pickup: attracting, building comfort and trust, seducing, fucking, and maintaining a strong relationship.
There’s one ingredient, though, that unifies the three into one. And it’s Masculinity.
Masculinity: relaxed body language, put-together fashion, kino leadership, giving value in conversation, having your life together. It’s at once the inner-game of things and the outer-game. Outer-game not just because of body language and fashion, but also in how you self-disclose (DHV) and convey high status.
Masculinity is like the opposite pole of a magnet to the feminine pole. By being the man, you make a woman feel like a woman. And create massive sexual attraction.
Playful Challenge and Appreciation are variations on the theme of Masculinity. The difference is, Playful Challenge is playful, and Appreciation is sincere.
Playful Challenge: banter and qualification. Creates want. You only give her a sample, not the whole store. We always want things we can’t have. Playful challenge has you retreat, and makes her chase.
Appreciation: qualification, statements of interest, compliments, emotional connections. You can’t always retreat and act like the “bad boy.” You must treat her with kindness, too. And make her feel beautiful from the inside out. Appreciation is also the foundation of an emotional connection.
Use all three ingredients in every phase of the courtship, and you’ll be a triple threat.
A man who’s going places.
A man who acts like the “bad boy.”
Yet a man who’s kind and a gentleman.
Anyway, my ebook breaks down each ingredient and shows you EXACTLY how to apply them in the field. I’m writing it all down as a reference for myself so I’ll never forget it. My hope’s it’ll also be a reference for you, too.
What makes this ebook different from others? It emphasizes practice.
Also, a lot of pickup stuff out there’s so expensive and vague, you don’t get it handled and you keep coming back, spending more and more money. I want you to get this part of your life handled without breaking the bank so you can move on.
I am so psyched to share it with you. I know it’ll sky-rocket your game.
Here’s another great insight about relationship maintenance. Comes from Sherrie Rose.
Sherrie Rose, The Self-Proclaimed Love Linguist
She came up with the concept of a “Love Bucket.”
Sherrie Rose’s “Love Bucket”
Her idea: Every woman desires 7 things to feel happy in a relationship. You don’t need to meet all 7. Just find the 3 – 5 most important to her and meet those.
If you do this, you’ll raise her femininity, and she won’t want to leave you. You’ll get respect from her, intimacy, more freedom, admiration, she’ll support you on your terms, and love.
I came across Sherrie, again, through DeAngelo’s Interviews With Dating Gurus series. When I had first heard it, it had helped me understand what I did wrong and right in my relationships.
Let me just say here at the outset, these apply to when you’re in a monogamous relationship… and you want to keep it alive. Before you get into a relationship, though, it’s important to create attraction. That’s where game comes in. You know, being a challenge. I wrote a post about that called: “Game.” Check it out, if you’d like.
In the meantime, here are the 7 rings:
Sex: Give her sex and orgasms.
Contact: a) Physical Contact, like: hugs, caresses, hold hands. b) Non-Physical Proximity Contact, like: phone, text, email.
Recognition: Acknowledge her, appreciate her, compliment her, pay attention to her, see the good in her, find out what makes her tick, connect emotionally with her.
Provisions: a) Provide for her financially. For example, paying for dinner. b) giving her gifts: flowers, jewelry, clothes. c) giving her exciting experiences: concerts, trip to the mountains, and so on
Do For, like: a) doing a chore for her: taking out the trash, making a lunch for her, doing her laundry, making her dinner. b) using your talents to help her: fix things, fix software, read her manuscripts.
Do With, like: a) doing day-today things together: shop together, wash dishes together. b) or doing core activities together: playing golf together, traveling together, going on dates together.
Lifestyle: Having personal values in common and how you live together. For example, how you are in the home, with family. How you maintain your health, hygenie. What moral and spiritual values you have in common.
Of the 7, the two most crucial are probably sex and lifestyle. If the sex goes, the relationship goes. And if you don’t have deepest values in common, it’s gonna be hard to see eye-to-eye and keep the relationship going.
Speaking of keeping the relationship going, Sherrie has another great concept called “Lovematism.”
Four Pistons of a Relationship: Connecting on the Physical, Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual Levels
She says it’s the basis for enduring love. Or, as she puts it, it’s “love on steroids.”
She said she came up with the concept when looking back on her best relationships. She realized she had felt connected with a man on four levels. Here they are:
Sexual Magnetism of Body: attracted physically, sexual connection
Mental Hypnotism of Mind: intellectual connection, attitude, confidence, how the person thinks
Emotional Rhythm of Heart: Emotional connection, empathy, opening your heart to each other
Spiritual Mysticism of Soul: spiritual beliefs in common, connecting on a spiritual level, do spiritual activities together.
They’re like four pistons of an engine. Never all up at the same time. But the more pistons you have working, the stronger the bond and love. Great concept to help understand the success of a relationship.
Finally, she argues there are 3 basic mind-states.
Three Mind-Sets: Base Mindset (bottom), Conscious Mindset (middle), Omni Mindset (top).
Here they are:
Base Mindset: Physical, survival drive. Drive for food, sex, safety. Where the emotions live. We spend most of our time here.
Conscious Mindset: Where logic fits in. Stands outside of emotions to look at the bigger picture.
Omni Mindset: Where logic and emotion integrate. Going beyond the “me” mode to serve a higher purpose. Where love and freedom live. What’s best for the greater good. The spiritual level.
She argues men tend to be more logical, women more emotional. Women can be logical too and men emotional. We all travel up and down the pyramid.
But she encourages men to be more logical, especially when a woman gets into the survival/emotional mode. We can direct them and help them back on track. You know, be that solid pillar for them. If we do this, she won’t derail us or work against us. Besides, taking the lead is attractive for her. Cause it’s masculine.
Speaking of taking the lead, she encourages us to take the lead in filling her love bucket, too. Fill hers first, and she’ll fill yours in return.
There’s an insight from David Deida that’s similar to this.
A man who knows his deepest purpose in life and gives his deepest gifts to the world is a superior man. As it so happens this kind of man also attracts women. As a byproduct though, not as the goal.
The idea is this. Having purpose seeps into every interaction you have with women: from the approach all the way to how you lead her in bed. She feels your strong purposiveness on an unconscious level, and it attracts her.
Because having purpose is what gives a man his masculinity. And masculinity attracts the feminine, in the same way the north pole of a magnet attracts the south pole.
That was David Deida’s idea at least. And if that’s true… which I think it is… the next question becomes:
HOW do you find your deepest purpose?
Excellent question. And that’s what this post is all about. Deida suggests either sitting in silence and solitude, or challenging yourself, living life on the edge.
And all I’ve gotta say is, Amen to that bro.
But I’ve also found that making a list of goals helps a lot, too. For me, it focuses me. I recently came across a set of questions that really helped me to get clear on my own purpose, and I wanted to pass them along to you, too.
Here they are:
1) What are five things you want to accomplish in the next 3 months?
3) How can you make the goals as specific as possible? For example, instead of saying “I want to lose weight,” a SPECIFIC goal would be “I want to 20 pounds.” There’s something about NUMBERS that makes goals more specific. Makes them measurable at least.
4) What’s the deadline? That’s easy. Whatever date is 3 months from now.
By the way, why have a deadline?
Makes the difference between “Someday it would be nice to…” to driving the goals to COMPLETION.
5) What’s my action plan? What do I have to do each day to drive the goals to completion? So, if your goal is to lose 20 pounds, an action plan might be working out 6 days a week for 20 minutes and eating within 2000 calories per day.
Action Plan #1. ________________________________________________________________
Action Plan #2. ________________________________________________________________
Action Plan #3. ________________________________________________________________
Action Plan #4. ________________________________________________________________
Action Plan #5. ________________________________________________________________
Then do that activity EACH DAY. Each tiny little shovel of dirt each day moves mountains.
Once you complete those five goals, you get to make a new set of goals. Yipee! Haha
And here’s another great tip I learned from Eben Pagan, the guy behind David DeAngelo. Do whatever is the MOST important goal on your list… FIRST thing when you wake up in the morning. And make sure to do it for at least one hour of focused, uninterrupted time. No email, phone calls, text messages during that hour. Just focus on that one goal for an hour, two hours if you can, then take a 10 or 20 minute break. That way if anything gets you off track during your day, at least you’ve got that important thing done already. This has personally helped me A LOT to actually get my goals done.
6) What motto might inspire you to stay on track? “Now is the time, not later, but now?” “Drive to Completion?” “Just Do It?” “Nose to the grindstone?” “Stick with it until I get it?” “Keep it simple?” Some other motto? I’ve been writing a motto that inspires me next to my list of goals. This helps, too.
Then I read those goals daily, morning and night if I’m good. I’m not always perfect at it though. And I don’t always like reading them either. Some days I’ll even say to myself “is it really necessary to read my goals today? I already know what they are.”
But when I read them anyway, I’m always glad I do. Only takes five minutes… or less. It gets the focus back. Reminds me of the big picture. Keeps me on track. And makes it so the goals actually become something like a self-fulfilling prophesy.
One last awesome question I want to share with you.
7) What’s the larger vision of your life? For example, what will your life look like 3 years from now? What will you be doing for a career? Where will you be living? How much will you make in month?
And this can be WHATEVER the hell you want to be. If you hear a voice that sounds vaguely like your friends and family that say “can’t” or “impossible” or “stupid” (I hear it all the time) SQUASH THAT MO FO! Replace the phrase “I can’t” with the question “how can I?” It totally shifts your consciousness from impossible to possible. I learned that piece of gold from Robert Kiyosaki (“Rich Dad Poor Dad”).
Anyway, this question is a lot of fun to answer because you get to let your imagination run free.
By the way, speaking of your larger vision, something I learned from Michael J. Fox of all people: He said he was happier, more awake, and more alive when he was helping the world become more aware of “Parkinson’s Disease” than when he was a big movie star with like six porsches.
What I took from that is: it almost seems like a person’s happiness is connected with something that’s larger than the self. Something that allows you to give back to the world in someway.
So, maybe your larger vision will revolve around this, giving your gifts to something higher than the self?
Now that doesn’t mean being a self-righteous crusader or sacrificing your self for others. Just the opposite. It means making yourself strong first (read: lighting yourself up from within) so you can’t help but shine your light to to the world.
It’s like one of my favorite quotes, which comes from Gil Bailie: “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
And didn’t Jesus say something similar this, too? Something about not putting your light under a bushel, but to let it shine let it shine let it shine? Another one of my favorite quotes, this time from Marianne Williamson in her book “A Return To Love,” reminds me of Jesus’s saying: “And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”
I think that’s what having the larger vision is all about. Giving your deepest gifts to the world.
I know I just went off there. But this point means a lot to me. And what was my point?
Just that making a list of goals and breaking them down into daily action steps has worked WONDERS for me. It’s been a life changer. It’s helped me to get my life on track. So, I wanted to share it with you.
Try it out. You’ll love it. Your deepest purpose becomes clearer, and you already start giving your deepest gifts to the world. Having purpose makes us more masculine. Again the byproduct (not so much the goal) is you attract women, too.
This is one of my favorite discoveries by Mystery.
He discovered there are 5 attraction switches in the female mind. And he discovered that any man who systematically triggers these switches over and over again will get some serious indicators of interest from a woman.
If you’re anything like me, I always used to think looks and being nice was what attracted women. Because looks attract me, and who wants someone who’s mean? I’m not a tall guy, and I found even if I was the nicest guy in the world to a woman, it didn’t attract her.
So, I kinda resigned myself to the fact that I’d never be attractive to women. I mean if you listen to women, one of the things they always say they want in a man is height. And although they say they like a nice guy, they always seemed to end up with the “bad boys.”
Happily I found out from my pickup journey that it’s not about looks or being a “bad boy” that attract women. It’s PERSONALITY. More specifically, a MASCULINE personality.
Height and the “bad boy” thing are just surface symptoms of something deeper that’s going on.
It’s not those things per se that attracts women. It’s the feeling she gets from the height difference, and the feeling she gets with a bad boy. Namely, she’s a woman, and he’s the man.
Well, there are other ways to create that feeling inside a woman without having to be tall or without having to be a bad boy or without being rich.
Enter the 5 attraction switches.
They’re 5 aspects of a masculine personality that make a woman feel like she’s with a man. Even if you’re not tall or the best looking guy or superrich or whatever, if you’ve got these 5 traits, you’ll turn her on… and on a PRIMAL level. They can’t help but feel attraction.
Before I get into the 5 switches, I wanna bring home an important point about all this.
Okay, so after you open a set, the objective is to systematically trigger these attraction switches. This is done through DHVs or “Demonstrations of Higher Value.” Cool.
But the point I wanna make is DHVs aren’t so much “demonstrations.” They’re “embodiments” of these 5 switches. Don’t stop triggering these switches in the attract phase. It continues in comfort, in seduction, and after you have sex with her… forever.
In other words, don’t just demonstrate these traits. BE these traits. Don’t just try to get a beautiful woman. BE a man of higher value that NATURALLY attracts the most beautiful women in your life.
So much about the “demonstration” part of DHV. Let’s real quickly look at the “value” part.
Value doesn’t refer to some esoteric, abstract thing. It’s very specific. It’s survivor value that a woman can USE.
Let me back up.
In evolutionary theory, there’s this idea that we humans want to survive, but also we want to replicate our genes to keep our species alive. At base we humans want two basic things: to survive and to replicate.
Men seem to be attracted to replication value, such as youth, waist-to-hip ratio, and all that.
They’re signs of fertility and health.
Women seem to be attracted to survival value, such as high social status, leadership, wealth of resources. They want a man who can protect and take care of her.
So, the 5 attraction switches revolve around this one theme. Being a “survivor.” The reason this “value” is valuable is because it’s a benefit to her. You’re someone who can take care of her and protect her. There’s a primal, feminine use in it for her.
Trigger these switches and you trigger a primal urge in her to have a masculine man in her life. Her biological, physical, feminine self can’t help but WANT to “merge” and “reproduce” with this man of a man.
What I’m trying to say is, don’t make DHV about me, me, me or showing off or bragging about how awesome you are.
Make the 5 triggers things to embody FOR REAL, and make DHV about how you benefit her. Don’t be a “getter,” be a “giver.” Don’t try to “get” her replication value from her for your gain. Be someone with a lot of survivor value that’d she want to get for herself. This puts the desire in her for you.
That’s what I’m talkin’ bout.
I wanted to make that point because when I first started off, I used to think DHV was about me and showing off. Just the opposite. It’s about honest-to-God becoming a better man, which benefits others.
Phew. Now that I’ve got that out of the way, let’s talk about these switches.
The first switch is “Preselection.”
All this means is you’re attractive to other women. She’ll instantly feel a pang of curious attraction for you if she sees this. You have value for other women, so you must have value for her. All happening on the subconscious level.
How to demonstrate this?
Have women around you is the easiest way to trigger this switch. If you don’t have girls to roll with, be talking to everyone in the bar or lounge. Meet girls there. Women see this, and they want to be where the excitement is. You can also convey preselection by mentioning your past girlfriends, or joking about how many women are clamoring for you or by sharing you have knowledge of women.
The second switch is “The Leader of Men.”
A lot of guys think it’s impossible to approach a woman with guys in the group. It’s not impossible. It can actually be to your advantage.
You can lead men by telling them stories, showing respect to them, getting along with them. If they start acting like a dick, handle them with class and respect. You’re leading them. That’s attractive.
The third switch is “Protector of Loved Ones.”
Loved ones include parents, siblings, friends, girlfriends. How much do you care for them? Has there ever been a time when they were in danger and you were there to help them or protect them?
Show her that her life would be improved if she built an alignment with you. You can convey this in small gestures like pulling out a chair for her, opening a door for her, giving her your coat if she gets cold, helping an old lady cross the street, showing kindness to the waiter, standing up for yourself or for her.
The fourth switch is “Willingness to Emote.”
When you open a set, systematically demonstrate your emotional state. For example, smile when you approach. When you speak, speak expressively and with enthusiasm. Have a demeanor like you’re celebrating like it’s the end of Ocean’s Eleven: “I need nothing from you. I’m just enjoying myself. Who are you? And that’s special because?”
Be lit up from the inside, passionate, enthusiastic. They’ll feel that. Also, playing an instrument for them, singing for them, sharing a touching story are ways to make her feel. Women are emotional.
Wonderful, positive emotions attract them like bees to honey.
The fifth switch is “Successful Risk Taker.”
You don’t have to be a millionaire to attract women. But you do want to show women you at least have direction in your life. You’re going somewhere. And you live life on the edge, challenging yourself to take the risks to get there. That’s attractive.
Sharing your goals, dreams, and passions is one way to convey this. Also, we all have success stories from our past. Sharing these stories about how you overcame odds puts you in a positive light and builds feelings of attraction in her for you.
Of the five switches, the most important to trigger IN FIELD, like in a bar or other public gathering, is “Preselection.” It’s the equivalent of a big pair of tits for us.
When you’re first starting out, get good at triggering these 5 attraction switches for at least 25 minutes. 25 minutes because that’s the time frame from opening a group to C1 or building comfort with her.
At first, incorporate these DHV “spikes” or triggers into the stories you tell and in your behavior. But if you’re going to tell stories, tell them to the group, not to your target. That way it shows you’re not after her. At first, if you do say anything to her, neg her or banter with her. This creates sexual tension.
When you’re in comfort with her, obviously continue to incorporate these traits into your stories and behavior. It doesn’t ever stop. One difference between the attract and comfort phase is let HER talk. Entice her to DHV to you, and listen to what she has to say. Connect. But still sprinkle in some banter and be a bit of a challenge. She doesn’t “have” you yet.
Get good at a 25 minute act where the character you play is the best version of you. Soon this will be how you walk through the world. And every woman WILL want you. This isn’t some pretend thing. This isn’t something you do in a bar just to attract women.
Like I said at the beginning of all this, this is about becoming these traits so they naturally come across without you even having to think about it. Build a life FOR REAL worthy to bring beautiful women into.
Here’s what you can do RIGHT NOW.
Step One: Answer this super-important question. What’s your passion in life? What lights you up inside? What’s something that you could do for hours? What’s your deepest gift? What were you put in this world for? Okay, that was five. I know. But they’re different ways of asking the same question. The answer might not come to you right away. But dwell on the question of your purpose. The answer will eventually come.
Step Two: When your answer comes, which usually comes in the form of a feeling, listen to it. And start doing it RIGHT AWAY. Every day spend at least an hour to make your purpose a reality. Make this hour a priority each day.
Step Three: Next time you’re in set, share your passion with everyone. And ask them what their passion is. THAT is a DHV… as well as a qualifier.
Other things you can do right now:
1. Before you open a set, talk to EVERYONE. Say “how’s your night going” to the bouncer, the bartender, and to the first people you see. This is the practice of “Preselection” and “Leader of Men.”
2. Smile on your approach. In fact, practice smiling to at least three strangers a day. This is the practice of “Willingness to emote.” If you want to take this step further, learn a musical instrument. And select one DHV story, feel the emotion in the story, and practice telling it with expression.
3. Mention a girlfriend or ex-girlfriend or a banter about having lots of girlfriends at least once while you’re in set. This is the practice of “Preselection.”
4. Each day, do at least one good deed for a friend, family member or whoever else. Help someone with their homework, take out the trash for your mother, if you’ve got a girl in your life open the car door for her. This is the practice of “Protector of Loved Ones.”
By far the most important thing you can do RIGHT NOW is to figure out your purpose in life. So much of our masculinity is wrapped up in having direction, giving our light to the world, and taking the necessary risks to make it happen.
As always, more important than “getting” women is serving a higher purpose than yourself. Everything else will fall into place.