One night, I watched her at the window in her sleep. I noticed for the first time, how a woman’s underclothes barely touches her skin. How it rides on a cushion of air as she moves. How the silk floats about her body, brushing her flesh like an angel’s wings, and I understood how a woman must be touched.
-Don Juan DeMarco
The quote appears about 5:23 in this clip.
credit: http://dc.wikia.com/wiki/Falling_in_Love_Vol_1_17
A while back I read about this experiment done at SUNY-Stony Brook. It gave me a huge “aha” moment. In fact, it was this insight that had helped my success rate with picking up women jump to a whole other level.
Here’s the experiment. Psychologist Arthur Aron
Arthur Aron. Credit: http://www.psychology.stonybrook.edu/aronlab-/
conducted the series of experiments. He wanted to find out what makes two people fall in love.
A man and a woman were put into a room together. Never met before. For 90 minutes.
Before they went into the room, Aron said to each person that the other person was going to like them. Then he instructed them to share intimate stuff, like embarrassing moments and how they’d feel if they lost a parent.
So, these two strangers are put in this room together and they’re sharing intimate info with each other.
Every so often, a researcher would come in and tell them to say what they liked about each other. They’d do that.
And every so often, a researcher would come in and tell them to gaze into each other’s eyes for about two minutes without talking. They’d do that.
At the end of the experiment, the two strangers left through separate doors. But many confessed to feeling deeply attracted, and close, to the other person. In fact, one of the couples actually even ended up getting married… and invited Aron to their wedding. Haha.
When I first read this, it helped me understand how to pickup women. This is what I took from it.
We need three things to feel those strong feelings of intimacy and love with another person.
FIRST… you need SEXUAL TENSION. I mean, if you don’t have sexual tension, you basically have a friend, right? And in that experiment, the eye gazing thing is so intimate, I can’t see how it wouldn’t some spark sexual tension. Confident body language helps, too. Confidence is sexy.
SECOND, you need MUTUAL SELF-DISCLOSURE. This is huge. When two people share deep, EMOTIONAL, stuff about themselves–not just talking about the weather–you’re no longer strangers. You’re no longer on the superficial level. You can’t help but experience an emotional connection.
Emphasis, by the way, is on MUTUAL. A guy can’t just do all the talking. And she can’t do all the talking either. BOTH people have to mutually self-disclose. And that leads to the third thing…
THIRD, you need to discover that the OTHER PERSON LIKES THEM. Appreciation is huuuuuuge. Do you think we get enough of it? I don’t. I know we humans like to criticize and find fault with each other. You don’t always hear people looking for the good in each other.
Aron actually thought that this was THE major factor that helped two people feel the feelings of falling in love. Discovering that the other person liked them. Isn’t that cool?
In pickup, what that means is DON’T just “DHV” (Demonstrate Higher Value) or do all the talking. Ask about her. Qualify. If you like what you hear, appreciate her. And state your interest. It’s CRUCIAL to attracting a girl.
When I first read this, I was fascinated because it seemed to corroborate the theory behind the Mystery Method.
The Mystery Method also states you need three things to create attraction with a woman on a pickup.
For those of you unfamiliar with the Mystery Method, let me share.
Mystery (often billed the world’s greatest pickup artist)
Mystery Credit: www.venusianarts.com
thought that the courtship process had a beginning, middle, and an end.
FIRST, you gotta ATTRACT a woman, SECOND, you gotta build COMFORT AND TRUST with her, and THIRD, you gotta SEDUCE her. In that order.
Seduce first, and you’re the creepy Player. Start in comfort… “so where are you from? Nice weather we’re having”… and you’re Mr. Nice Guy. Attract first, then you can ask her where she’s from. Build some comfort and trust, then you can seduce her. My post “Top Ten Mistakes Men Make With Women” covers this in detail.
Anyway, Mystery thought that the attract phase (the first phase) also had a beginning, middle, and an end.
Stay with me here…
Here’s the attract phase.
FIRST, OPEN a girl. Spark sexual tension through banter (Mystery calls it “negging”), kino (touch), and confident body language.
SECOND, DHV. That means self-disclose something about yourself. It lets her know what you’re about.
THIRD, QUALIFY. Ask about her. Now she self-discloses. Mutual self-disclosure, baby! After she talks, STATE YOUR INTEREST (if she seems cool). In other words, appreciate her. This lets her feel liked. And genuinely so, because you found something in her self-disclosure that honestly vibed with you. Nice.
Now you’re onto connecting, conversation, and comfort. Very nice.
In other words, in every pickup, you need sexual tension, mutual self-disclosure, and appreciation.
Following these three simple rules completely transformed my pickup into consistent success.
But if you REALLY wanna fall in love… connect physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually with her. If you find a woman you can do this with, you probably won’t have to pickup women anymore. You’ve probably found your match. Haha
The name of the book where I read about this experiment is called
credit: amazon.com
“The key to attraction is banter. What is banter? It’s playful dominance. Banter is play fighting.”
~Lance Mason
Ever picked up a smokin’ hot woman from a club, but then you see her the next morning without her makeup? Well, if she still looks hot,
nice. If not,
AHHHHHHHHHH!
Well, there are ton of pickup artists out there who’ve memorized lots of gambits to attract women. And they work. But what happens the next day when he’s run out of gambits?
Exactly.
He’s like a woman who relies ONLY on her makeup to attract men. Don’t be the women who’s skin deep! Know who you are. Get an identity.
But how does one get an identity? How does a guy get to know who he is?
Now, that is a great question. And I haven’t the slightest clue. So, that”s why I’m writing this post. To find out.
I just looked up the word identity. It comes from the Latin identificare, “to make the same as.”
Okay, so maybe one way to begin the process is like that verse from the Bible. “Where your treasure is, there your heart will also be.” (Matthew 6:21) Finding what you naturally love says something about where your heart is. It’s like you make yourself the same as that thing.
Also, the ancient Greeks had this idea that there are basically four types of people in the world. Discovering your “type” might be a step to getting to know who you are better.
Then there’s Confucius: “The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.” Love it. Not backing down from friction and trials might be another way?
If so, here’s four possible ways a guy might get clearer on his identity, to get some substance behind the mask.
Possible Way #1: THE ACTIVITY YOU DO MOST OFTEN
Aristotle: “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.” That’s from his Nicomachean Ethics. What activity do you enjoy doing the most? That brings the DEEPEST FULFILLMENT. The thing that lights you up and you could do for HOURS. This might be your “treasure.” And your identity.
Possible Way #2: PERSONALITY TYPE
Jung, like the ancient Greeks, thought there were 4 types of people in the world. The ancient Greek idea, systemized by Hippocrates into the first medical theory, was that there were four elements in the universe, four humors in the body, and four temperaments in a human being. These were the four temperaments:
Sanguine: Impulsive, pleasure-seeking, charismatic, boisterous. They like to be the center of attention. They tend to get distracted easily, and lose interest when something stops being fun. Talkative, not shy. They almost have a shameless nature. They’d make great show people.
Cholera: Ambitious, leader-like, aggressive, assertive, not afraid of confrontation. They can dominate people. They don’t make the best listeners, and they’re not super-patient or super-empathetic. They’re swift to action, but can be disorganized. They’d make great CEOs.
Melancholy: The thinkers and analyzers. They don’t mind being by themselves to contemplate. They can be indecisive, and can get worried or sad. They’d make the best professors or psychologists.
Phlegm: Relaxed, calm, quiet, supportive, empathetic, these are the peace-makers. They’re good listeners, but don’t like confrontation and can be taken advantage of. They make great poets, artists, and lovers.
Jung’s idea seems to update Hippocrates’ idea. Jung thought each of us have all four types within us. But we’re born with a leading temperament. Here’s a quick test to find out which temperament is your “home.”
Question #1: When you need to recharge your batteries, do you seek solitude or the energy of being among lots of people? Introverts prefer solitude or a few close friends (the inner-world), extroverts prefer the energy of other people (the outer-world).
Question #2: Do you think you’re more rational or emotional? For example, when making a decision about something, would you sit down and make a pro/con list, or would you rely on what feels best?
Question #3: Here are the four personality types. Which do YOU think describes you the best? Not what others may think you are, but what YOU think you are.
Red = see Cholera
Yellow = see Sanguine
Blue = see Melancholy
Green = see Phlegm
So, that’s your leading temperament. The temperament you were born with. That’s home.
Now, here’s the thing. On the circle above, the temperament that’s diagonal from you is your least dominant temperament. Jung would say this is the weakest part of your personality. And he would say that to become a more integrated human being you must strengthen that weakest part in you.
So, for example, if you’re a green personality, your strength is your empathy, but your weakness might be issues with assertiveness, where the red personality is strongest. One task would be to incorporate more of that “red” energy in you, to learn to be more assertive. Likewise, if you lead with red, your strength is your assertiveness, but one task would be to incorporate more calmness and empathy, the “green” energy. Ultimately, we must find balance between all four temperaments.
We also have a secondary and a third temperament. It’s very unusual for your weakest temperament be secondary. If your opposite temperament is your secondary you’re either insane or a genius. Haha
Anyway, this is just a quick test. And as with any labeling system, they are labels. Human constructions that help us to sort, organize and understand. But they’re not reality. This system can help us get to know ourselves though. And it helps us to see others who are different than us NOT as inferior, but as simply different. It can help us get to know the women we meet better, too. Bonus.
Possible Way #3: THE SEXY STEREOTYPE
There’s this great suggestion from Brad P about the “sexy stereotype.” Have you heard about it? In case you haven’t, it goes something like this. Find a sexy “type” girls love, and that you’d like to become, and copy his fashion.
You might feel like you have the rocker type inside you.
Copy his fashion. Maybe you want to be the motor cycle guy with a leather jacket.
Copy his fashion. Or the rapper type.
Copy his fashion. Or the Latin Lover type.
Or the successful businessman/professional type.
Or the artist type.
Or whatever “sexy type” women swoon for. And you secretly say to yourself “I’m kinda like that.”
Copy his fashion.
Okay, so this is a great way to fix fashion problems, sure. But also, it’s an ingenious way to discover your identity, too.
You could also ask who your hero is. Real-life or fiction. Someone you look up to. Emulate him until you bring that hero out from within yourself.
Oh, and screw what anyone else says about what “type” you wanna become. SCREW em. If they laugh at you and say you “can’t,” screw em screw em screw em. This is about YOU and how YOU view yourself. They don’t know you. But finding a type that’s like you, you’ll begin to see yourself.
What about the Seducer type? Can the seducer or pickup artist type be an identity? I don’t see why not, except for one condition.
If “getting” women is the source of your fulfillment, it’s weak. You’re looking outside for your happiness. Anything “external”–fame, glory, money, power, or recognition–change. So, if those outside forces change, what happens. Right. You fall.
But what’s “internal”… that part of us that’s been with us all our life, and that was probably there before birth, and after death, is sturdy. It’s unchanging. If we build an identity here, when outside forces change, we’re still left standing. Jesuit priest Tony DeMello’s book “Awareness/Way to Love” taught me this.
Awesome book. Highly recommended.
Anyway, the point is, if a guy were to make “seducer” or “pickup artist” his identity, he’s better off NOT making women the target, but himself.
Rembrandt Van Rijn (1606-1669), Winter Landscape (c. 1649). In the Fogg Art Museum at Harvard University.
I took this drawing from Betty Edward’s book “Drawing on The Right Side of The Brain” (p. 23). In it, she makes the point that we not only see the “objective” scene Rembrandt was trying to portray, but we also sense Rembrandt’s emotional response to it. We see through the landscape to Rembrandt himself. She then quotes a Zen master-archer Herrigel:
“The art of archery is not an athletic ability mastered more or less through physical practice, but rather a skill with its object consisting in mentally hitting the mark. Therefore, the archer is basically aiming for himself. Through this, perhaps, he will succeed in hitting the target–his essential self.”
You could say the same thing about learning to become a seducer. It’s a skill. The real object is not “getting” women, but self-awareness.
Possible Way #4: BUILDING YOUR CHARACTER
This is my favorite. When there’s something we think is impossible for us to do, do it anyway. Nice. Like, if you’ve always done fifteen pull-ups and twenty seems impossible, go for twenty anyway. We might “fail” but fuck it. We grow! And find our excellence. So, here’s five ways we might build character:
A. PUSH OUR LIMITS: For example, approaching women. Traveling alone to unfamiliar places. Standing up for yourself. Doing that extra pull up. Taking on a project that’s slightly above your skill level.
Formula: Something you think is just slightly out of reach… slightly higher than your skill level… go for it. You’ll find your “high point.”
When you think about it, our life is defined by our moments of excellence, it’s not defined by the moments when we do grocery shopping or watch TV. Michael Jordan’s greatness is defined by the moments where he pushed the limits. When we push our limits, that’s when we touch greatness.
B. TAKE ON LEADERSHIP ROLES: Even if it’s as simple as a group of people not knowing where they want to eat, saying we’re going here is practicing leadership.
C. TAKE ON NEW ACTIVITIES: Starting a new workout and sticking with it for 90 days. Enrolling in a class, like cooking or dancing or writing or carpentry. Joining a sports team. Fixing the car or something in the house. Giving to charity. Working with a soup kitchen. They exercise your mind. Which makes us evolve.
D. RESILIENCE: When something gets tough, don’t give up. Keep going. Rejection by a girl. Whateva! Instead of taking it personally, what’s the lesson we gotta learn?
Whenever there’s pain, don’t blame the other person. If the pain is a girl rejecting us, for example, instead of saying she’s a bitch, look at yourself. What could I have done better? I learned this from Neil Strauss. He said it was one of the secrets to his success as a pickup artist. Pain = there’s a lesson trying to wake us up.
Also, I heard Eben Pagan, the man behind David DeAngelo, once say something in the copy for his “Get Altitude” program that really stuck with me. He said the difference between stars and non-stars is the difference between cause and effect. Stars see themselves as a cause in the world. Non-stars see themselves as victims. If you see yourself as a cause in a painful situation instead of as an effect, you become someone that makes things happen in the world, instead of the world happening to you. A shepherd, not a sheep.
And besides, being unfazed by dissonance, by pain, is a practice of strength. Nothing is ever a big deal. Let me repeat that. NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING, is EVER a big deal. Heeeeell, no. Whatever comes up, you can handle it.
E. FOCUS/PURPOSE: Ahhhhh. My favorite. Discover your deepest gifts and give them to the world. Everyone has a gift to give to the world. Okay, well then, how do we discover our deepest gifts? Challenge is one way. But solitude is another. In solitude, ask yourself over and over again what is my purpose in this life? A quiet voice within will answer.
But discovery is only the beginning. Giving those gifts is the next step. And giving despite getting shit on for giving. Ever noticed how no one has succeeded in bringing light into the world? Socrates, killed. Jesus, crucified. Martin Luther King, Jr., shot. But give anyway.
This is my favorite, because not only do you discover who you truly are, but you step outside the “self” to give to the wider world in some small way.
Anyway, this is a starter at least for how a guy can get clearer on his identity. I’m working on these myself Just writing about it invigorates me because it reminds me what’s most important in life.
So, identity. It’s not just about attracting women. I mean, it definitely helps. Hell, yeah. But even better, it’s about becoming excellent for its own sake.
And, hey, meeting hot women in the process…
Jennifer Walcott
thumbs up. Leaving her better off than we found her?
Pure joy. There’s nothing wrong with gambits, as long as you know who you are underneath.
3 things girls look for most in a man: a great smile, to be made to laugh, to feel a connection.
~Mystery, from a Fall 1998 post.
From: Mystery’s Field Reports from 1998-2006, gotten as a bonus with the book “Revelations” from Venusianarts.com. The Reports were written before Mystery invented The Mystery Method while he was learning about women.
In this quote, he was still figuring out how to be successful with women. During a game called “Hot Seat” with some girls at a party, they said this to him. It gave him an “aha” moment.
“I needed to let her know that unlike every other guy in the bar, I am not and will not be intimidated by her looks. Beauty to me was now a shit test: It weeded out the losers who got dumbstruck by it.”
(page 152, “The Game,” by Neil Strauss)
These three sentences are the key to success in the game.
The whole purpose of:
…is to not get bamboozled by a beautiful woman’s beauty, but to talk with her as a human being. You’re stronger than the gravitational pull of her beauty. Because her outer beauty is just a facade.
1. Showing too much sexual interest (Starting in Seduction): “The Creepy Guy”
A lot of guys show sexual interest in a woman before they attract and qualify her. They make it obvious to a woman they’re only interested in taking sex from her, without any regard to her as a person. It’s as if they say, “You don’t know me, wanna have sex?” Rather than be a getter, why not be a giver? Before seducing her, it’s best to let her see what you’re about, bring her some joy, and build comfort and trust. That way, you’ve built sexual interest in her as well.
2. Being too Nice (Starting in Comfort): “The Nice Guy”
On the opposite end, other men focus on not being a sexual threat and only building comfort. They’ll say things like “So, where are you from? Do you come here often?” before the woman knows anything about who this guy is. Share yourself first, and that will make her feel more comfortable sharing herself with you. And keeping the conversation fact-based is artificial. It’s best to make her FEEL first. Ironically, “The Nice Guy” technique still telegraphs sexual interest. He’s still trying to “get” but in hidden way. Giving favors, gifts, compliments, early protestations of love, and being afraid to rock the boat isn’t really giving because something is expected in return. It’s okay to be a sexual threat. In fact, to create sexual tension you need to be.
3. Not qualifying or listening (Attracting but No Comfort): “The Player”
When a man attracts a woman first, but skips comfort, and goes straight for the sex, he becomes a player. This has three major drawbacks.
4. Not Touching Her (Attracting but Stuck in Comfort): “The Friend Zone”
On the opposite end, if a man spends too much time in comfort, he’ll get stuck in the friend zone. This usually happens when we don’t kino her. When we don’t kino, often it’s because we don’t want to “offend.” We won’t “offend” if we’re the friendly guy who speaks with his hands and touches everyone, not just the target. High-fives, hugs, hand-shakes, arm taps are accepted public forms of touch. In a discreet way, also squeeze her hand and see if she squeezes back. If she does, play with her fingers but then drop her hands. This slips sexual feeling into the interaction without being overt about it. When alone, touch her leg with yours, smell her neck, brush a hair from her face to match the gradual escalation of emotional intimacy. Touch eliminates the friend zone.
5. Not creating sexual tension (Balance Indicators of Interest with Disinterest)
The “sexual” part of sexual tension comes from taking on the role of a dominant man interacting with a “cute” girl. The “tension” comes from the conflict of play-fighting. Tension is also the feeling of “what will happen next?” To the girl, this is exciting. She feels challenged–her pretty face for once isn’t sufficient to win over this guy. So, we must show disinterest: for example, walk away at the height of an interaction, or make her laugh with a neg instead of giving her a predictable compliment. We must also show interest too: for example smile, touch, show her appreciation when it’s deserved. In this way, we communicate with the woman inside her, not with with her polite, artificial social persona. Play-fight with her. Dominant man versus “cute” girl. This sparks sexual tension, and attraction, in her.
6. Trying Too Hard
Here are some examples of trying too hard: showing off, bragging, exaggerating accomplishments, asking a million questions, not allowing any silences, spending loads of money, entertaining her, trying to make her laugh constantly, getting interested in her way too fast, investing all our energies in one girl. Way too exhausting. The best pickup artists not only hunt, they farm. Go after one girl, get nothing. Go after 10 girls; get 7 awesome pivots and 3 lays (the best of the bunch, of course). You can only choose from the women who choose you. That means if you want to have choice, you have to be the man who talks to a lot of women. How can a girl chase us if we plant our feet in front of her and never move? Lie back and roll off. You’re the prize. Let the woman chase you. Jealousy plotlines can be an integral way to make the most beautiful women chase you.
7. Not Being Prepared
Generating a conversation out of thin air with complete strangers isn’t an easy task, so having some icebreakers prepared helps. Whip out a cheat sheet and fill it with negs, kino (write out the kino, however mundane, with negs and DHVs like stage directions), DHVs, and qualifiers. You’ll need enough material to engage a woman for 25 to 40 minutes, though ultimately you’ll need to fill 7 hours. Of that time, only the first few minutes should be A-2 material. Once we’ve hooked a woman, qualify her. We’ll stale out a set if we over-attract without having her work to attract us. We also demonstrate cluelessness about how to read a woman. Being prepared also means getting into the right state, which is a playful, positive, talkative state. Also, knowing where to bounce girls, and having logistics handled, is part of being prepared, as well as being groomed, clean, having condoms, and gum. Practice in the mirror before going out if you have to, it lends a degree of self-awareness in the field. And when you’re ready for that woman of particular beauty, forget everything and be in the moment. Ironically, preparation makes flow possible.
8. Being Too Logical and Factual
Showing off our intellect doesn’t create attraction. Our intellect speaks to her logic, not her emotions. Not smiling, keeping a monotone, factual voice, and being silent altogether doesn’t create attraction either. Where’s the juice? Women respond much more to a man who smiles and who’s expressive. This shows warmth and feeling. Women would rather feel. Rather than explain, or talk about facts and logic, or be overly serious, talk about emotional subjects, play with her, sweep her up into your arms and dance, talk about things that light you up. Passion and enthusiasm are aphrodisiacs for women. When you’re enthusiastic about something, she’ll be swept up in those good feelings and won’t want to part from them. Make a woman feel wonderful. She’ll associate feeling wonderful with you.
9. Demonstrating Lower Value
When we portray ourselves in a lower-value way with women, it kills her attraction for us. The way we portray ourselves begins in our thoughts. Instead of focusing on our insecurities in our thoughts, highlight strengths and accomplishments. Then when we’re talking with women, our positive light will naturally shine through, which increases her attraction for us. As a side note, self-deprecating humor only works when everyone is aware of one’s strengths. It becomes a form of humility, which is attractive. But when we self-deprecate without our strengths to contrast it with, it’s uncomfortable. So, why not meditate on our strengths in our thoughts? That way we grow into men of the highest value, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
10. Fearing What She Thinks of You
Who cares what she might think of us? For that matter, who cares what anyone might think of us? All the great pickup artists seem to have one thing in common: social freedom. It’s so much more attractive to walk through the world without fear, especially without the fear of losing other people’s approval. “Approval” from others is flimsy, “approval” from within is solid. More important than getting the girl is serving a deeper purpose than women, and keeping focus on that purpose to its end with all of our hearts. Women can be sunshine in our lives, beautiful and inspiring, but true freedom comes not from getting her or from clinging to her, but from bringing our light into the world. The byproduct, not the goal, is we become a supremely attractive man to women, a man of particular value.
“The majority of men are subjective towards themselves and objective towards all others–terribly objective sometimes–but the real task is in fact to be objective towards oneself and subjective towards all others.”
– Soren Kierkegaard, Papirer VIII (A165, Alexander Dru, translator, p. 676) as quoted by Howard and Edna Long, translators of Works of Love in “Translator’s Introduction” (New York: HarperTorchbooks, 1962), p. 13.
Soren Kierkegaard, the nineteenth century philosopher from Denmark and grandfather of existentialism.
What does this have to do with success with women?
Integrity attracts. But more important, it’s important for its own sake. Truly practicing this (and it’s HARD) alleviates clouds of suffering, develops clearer thinking, and cultivates compassion for our fellow neighbor.
This simple statement continues to wake me up. I had to share it with you, too.