This insight was a game changer for me. I learned it during a seminar at my Venusian Arts Coaching Training Program.
The idea is simple. Instead of out right criticizing someone, follow this “formula” instead.
First, praise. Sincerely. That means finding a positive detail about someone and praising it. A generic “yeah, yeah that’s good” won’t cut it. An honest-to-God detail you saw that you truly admired will. What if you can’t find a good detail? You CAN. There’s ALWAYS good to be found.
Second, correct. Now you can point out what it is that could be improved on.
Finally, praise again. Don’t end on a negative note. End on a positive note.
Most people just out right criticize each other, and find fault, instead of considering how it might make that person feel. Outright criticism puts a person on the defensive, feeds arguments, hurts feelings, and just plain breeds negativity.
But if you find the good in a person–genuinely–then gently point out what could be “corrected,” and finally emphasize the good again, it makes it more likely you or me or any one of us will listen to the “correction.” And, maybe best of all, it forces us to see the good (not just the bad) in each other.
Inevitably, we’ll have conflicts with our women. This technique is one great way to dealing with those. Agree or praise, then assert your view. Keep agreeing or praising, and gently asserting. It defuses negativity, allows a person to be “heard,” which in turn allows you to be heard.
In that way, it’s a great way of dealing not with just women, but with conflicts in general.
It’s easy just to tear down. But in the long run, it’s so much simpler to be on a person’s side.
I’ll tell you why that’s an excellent question. Attraction don’t happen just in the words you say.
Words do matter, or course. However, it’s not JUST the words that create attraction. Attraction happens EVEN MORE in the DELIVERY. The subtext. How you speak. How you carry yourself. You sub-communicate to women what you’re feeling inside–whether you’re confident or insecure–in the way you carry yourself.
Deliver your gambits with a lot of hesitation or looking at the ground or talking too fast, and you’ll make women feel uncomfortable. Your sets will crash and burn. However, deliver your gambits with confidence, and the women will wanna keep talking to you. Hello attraction, how are you?
I gotta tell you this quick story about delivery. Haha
As you may or may not know I’m a junior coach for Mystery’s school, Venusian Arts. In our training seminar, Lovedrop told us this story. (Lovedrop was the ghostwriter for Mystery’s bestselling book “The Mystery Method.”)
When Matador (Mystery’s wingman who’s now a famous pickup artist himself) was first learning this stuff he got really frustrated with Mystery. He’d say the exact stuff Mystery would say, yet Mystery got the hottest girls more than him. He couldn’t understand why. So, one night he just mimicked Mystery for the hell of it, the way he talked and all that. To his SHOCK, the hot woman started facing him directly, touching him, asking him questions…
Then Lovedrop told us: “I don’t know if a lot of guys realize how important DELIVERY is. It’s one of the most important things you can learn when attracting women.”
So, what exactly is delivery? It starts with your inner-game. How you feel. What you’re feeling will seep into your words without your knowing it. So, on one end it’s about being calm, authoritative, anchored.
On the other end, it’s about being a great story-teller. Slow down at parts of a story when there’s a lot of suspense. Speed up when there’s a lot of excitement. Act out the dialogue. Put FEELING into your words.
We all know women are feeling creatures. They’re sensitive to emotions. If you feel uncomfortable, she’ll feel uncomfortable. She won’t want to be around those feelings. If you feel comfortable and great, she’ll feel comfortable and great. She’ll want to be around those “feel good” emotions. ‘Cause they’re feeling creatures.
Now, listen to this. Women attract us largely by her looks. We attract women largely by how we make a woman FEEL. Keep that in mind when you deliver gambits. Give her “feeling good.”
But I know saying “feel good inside” isn’t super concrete and practical advice and verges on the airy fairy.
So, check out the master himself at work, Mystery. Watch how he delivers this gambit. Copy him. And it WILL affect the way YOU feel inside. The quality of your approaches will sky-rocket.
The Gambit starts at about 1:47
So what do you think? What works about Mystery’s delivery?
Everyone says he speaks slowly and enthusiastically.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. That really helps. Thanks.
I think it’s more than that.
Notice how he speaks with control and purpose, which allows him to be expressive. If one speaks fast how can one express anything other than fear?
Mystery speaks like a pianist who doesn’t rush to the next measure, but listens to himself play—which allows the pianist to linger on certain spots or on certain colors that are particularly beautiful to him… as if he’s pausing to smell the roses.
Mystery speaks like a soccer player who doesn’t blindly dribble the ball down the field, but lifts his head to see the entire field—which allows the soccer player to see who to pass the ball to or where to go next in the most strategic way.
Mystery speaks like Spider-Man in the first movie where everything slows down for him—which allows Peter Parker to see things so clearly that he ducks Flash Gordon’s punches.
The scene ends at about 1:21
Okay, so maybe this is the same as saying Mystery speaks slowly and enthusiastically. But when I watch him what strikes me is the inner mind-set he has to speak so hypnotically.
He doesn’t seem to be anxious about what others might think of him. He doesn’t think “Do they like me?” “Am I doing a good job?”
He seems to walk step-by-step through the beautiful structure of logic. He enjoys his own journey along the way. Savoring the beauty, emotion, wonder, and fascination of it all seems to be more important to him than what others might think of him.
As a result, he comes across as articulate and clear-thinking, as well as someone with AUTHORITY (veeeeeery attractive), self-control, purpose, and strength (“I don’t care what others think of me” is strong).
All that’s incredibly attractive to women.
So, try this right now. Pick your favorite gambit. Practice in the mirror. And copy Mystery’s style of delivery. You’re like an apprentice artist copying a master until you find your own style/voice. Practice speaking calmly, as well as speaking with enthusiasm and emotion.
Not only will you attract women, but it will make you feel more confident inside.