Tag Archives: women

How to be Non-Needy

Leave a reply

You don’t need her

I read the passage below a few years back while getting over a broken heart. It helped. The idea of it might upset some. But I know it helped me to feel freer, and as a byproduct, be more successful with women.

The passage comes from a chapter called “Detachment” in a book called “Awareness” by Jesuit priest Anthony DeMello. I know it’s a little long. But it’s totally worth it.

Do this little exercise for a few minutes: Think of something or someone you are attached to; in other words, something or someone without which or without whom you think you are not going to be happy. It could be your job, your career, your profession, your friend, your money, whatever. And say to this object or person, “I really do not need you to be happy. I’m only deluding myself in the belief that without you I will not be happy. But I really don’t need you for my happiness; I can be happy without you. You are not my happiness, you are not my joy.” If your attachment is a person, he or she is not going to be very happy to hear you say this, but go ahead anyway. You can say it in the secrecy of your heart. In any case, you’ll be making contact with the truth; you’ll be smashing through a fantasy. Happiness is a state of non-illusion, of dropping illusion.

Or you could try another exercise: Think of a time when you were heartbroken and thought you would never be happy again (your husband died, your wife died, your best friend deserted you, you lost your money). What happened? Time went on, and if you managed to pick up another attachment or managed to find somebody else you were attracted to or something else you were attracted to, what happened to the old attachment? You didn’t really need it to be happy, did you? That should have taught you, but we never learn. We’re programmed; we’re conditioned. How liberating it is not to depend emotionally on anything. If you could get one second’s experience of that, you’d be breaking through your prison and getting a glimpse of the sky. Someday, maybe, you will even fly.

I was afraid to say this, but I talked to God, and I told Him that I don’t need Him. My initial reaction was: “This is so contrary to everything I’ve been brought up with.” Now, some people want to make an exception of their attachment to God. They say, “If God is the God that I think He ought to be, He’s not going to like it when I give up my attachment to Him!” All right, if you think that unless you get God you’re not going to be happy, then this “God” you’re thinking of has nothing to do with the real God. You’re thinking of a dream state; you’re thinking of your concept. Sometimes you have to get rid of “God” in order to find God. Lots of mystics tell us that.

We’ve been so blinded by everything that we have not discovered the basic truth that attachments hurt rather than help relationships. I remember how frightened I was to say to an intimate friend of mine, “I don’t really need you. I can be perfectly happy without you. And by telling you this I find I can enjoy your company thoroughly–no more anxieties, no more jealousies, no more possessiveness, no more clinging. It is a delight to be with you when I am enjoying you on a non-clinging basis. You’re free; so am I.” But to many of you this is like talking a foreign language. It took me many, many months to fully understand this, and mind you, I’m a Jesuit, whose spiritual exercises are all about exactly this, although I missed the point because my culture and my society in general had taught me to view people in terms of my attachments.

I’m quite amused, sometimes, to see even seemingly objective people like therapists and spiritual directors say of someone, “He’s a great guy, great guy, I really like him.” I find out later that it’s because he likes me that I like him. I look into myself, and I find the same thing coming up now and again: If you’re attached to appreciation and praise, you’re going to view people in terms of their threat to your attachment or their fostering of your attachment. If you’re a politician and you want to be elected, how do you think you’re going to look at people, how will your interest in people be guided? You will be concerned for the person who’s going to get you the vote. If what you’re interested in is sex, how do you think you’re going to look at men and women? If you’re attached to power, that colors your view of human beings. An attachment destroys your capacity to love.

What is love? Love is sensitivity, love is consciousness. To give you an example: I’m listening to a symphony. What is a loving heart? A loving heart is sensitive to the whole of life, to all persons; a loving heart doesn’t harden itself to any person or thing. But the moment you become attached in my sense of the word, then you’re blocking out many other things. You’ve got eyes only for the drums; the heart has hardened. Moreover, it’s blinded, because it no longer sees the object of its attachment objectively. Love entails clarity of perception, objectivity; there is nothing so clear-sighted as love.

How to Deal with Women’s Rejection of You

Leave a reply

Rejection feels incredibly personal, but it isn’t. Women respond to our skill level, not to who we really, truly are at our core. Whatever perception she might have of us is impermanent and changeable. Her false perception of us isn’t reality, it’s her illusion.

There’s “actual value” and “perceived value” of a person. Credit goes to Lovedrop’s book Revelation for this insight. Actual value is a person’s actual character. These are real and have a real influence in the world. But they’re not easily known.

Perceived value, on the other hand, is the surface stuff. It’s the limited information, cues, and signals we see on the surface to judge someone’s value, in lieu of not knowing what a person’s actual value is.

The skill of success with women is all about communicating our actual value in terms of perceived value. Attraction has to do with persona, not a person’s actual substance. We have to PRESENT ourselves well, as well as work on ourselves as men.

Getting better with women, then, is like learning how to do a better lay-up in basketball. It’s just a skill. As my basketball coach used to always tell us, perfect practice makes perfect. Women’s rejection of us has to do with our skill level, not with our intrinsic worth as a person. Happily, a skill is learnable—by anyone.

Now, that’s all well and good on an intellectual level, but if her rejection still has you in pain, USE the emotion. Don’t surrender to it. Here’s an action plan how to do this. Credit goes to J.R. Ridinger for this insight.

STEP #1. Identify the emotion. There are two ways people deal with emotion. They either ignore it or feed it. Don’t do these. Instead, feel the emotion. Next, put a label on it. Is it anger? Sadness? Frustration? What category does it fall under?

STEP #2. Clarify the emotion. Ask yourself, “what is the emotion telling me?” Emotion is information. There’s a reason you’re feeling an emotion. Analyze the emotion to understand why you’re feeling that way.

STEP #3. Identify the action signal. Ask yourself what you can DO about it. There’s basically two actions you can take.

A. Change your perception.

B. Change your procedure.

In other words, you can change the way you think or INTERPRET whatever is making you feel the negative emotion. Or you can change your BEHAVIOR so the negative situation doesn’t happen again.

When a woman rejects you, ask what’s the SIGNAL to change? Change either your negative thoughts, or your negative behavior. This way YOU take control of emotion, rather than it control you. You make it USEFUL.

Last point. Despite any rejection from a woman, NEVER give up. KEEP on the track that you’re on. Her rejection is not of you. It’s of your skill level. Keep honing the skill. And you’ll make it through to the other side. Her rejection can empower you.

“It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.” – Confucius

Seven Secrets to Style’s Success

10 Replies

“Style,” aka Neil Strauss

How did Style get so successful in the game? According to him it was these things:

1. Hang out with people better than you: He hung with Mystery. Obviously that might be a little more difficult now, but there are other guys out there you can find that are good with women. When you hang out with that guy, he’ll rub off on you. You’ll SEE him in action. And you’ll learn subtle lessons from him a book could never capture. If you can’t find anyone, models on tape or video are a good temporary substitute.

2. PRACTICE: Style went out all the time and PRACTICED pickup. You can’t learn how to surf from books. Same thing with women. When you practice pickup, you’ll fail. It’ll hurt. But failure is the backdoor to success. And your learning will go from your head into your BONES.

3. Learn in small chunks: Style learned in chunks. He didn’t try to get a threesome before learning how to approach first. Master opening first. Next, master “negs.” Next, “DHV,” next qualify, next isolate and so on until you learn how to stack orgasms.

4. Learn from your mistakes: No situation is impossible. There is ALWAYS a solution to a problem, and ANY obstacle can be solved. The most difficult situation you can imagine, like a girl surrounded by 8 guys or a girl on her way out the door or a girl who’s heard your opener already, can be solved.

5. It’s YOUR fault: If something goes wrong, it’s not her fault. She’s not a bitch or mean or uptight.  YOU did something to make her feel uncomfortable. Look to yourself for what went wrong in the situation. Think about how you could do it better next time. And do it better next time.

6. Don’t take it personally: Take in all criticism, and take a hard look at yourself. If the criticism is true, then learn from it. If the criticism is garbage, throw it away. Rather than waste energy being “hurt,” use the info to better the skill.

7. Preparedness: Before going out, Style would study his routines and structure until he knew them like the back of his hand. He would then fold up the piece of paper, put it into his back pocket, and forget about it. He’d go out into the field, and just flow. His sets would go awesome.

Know what you’re going to say, and what you want to accomplish before you approach. This will allow you to take the lead, move things to a destination, and detach your ego from the results. The focus will be on improving your SKILLS rather than being on an ego trip.

Then if you REALLY wanna skyrocket your success, TRACK your results! When you track, don’t only criticize yourself. Acknowledge the good, too. You can tell who’s going to be a great pickup artist by the ones who get scientific, and track their approaches.

Some other nuggets that helped him in the field:

  1. Belief: whatever is possible you can manifest—so believe it, and do it despite any obstacles that get in your way. It WILL happen
  2. Make sure she orgasms before you—that way she’ll always come back for more.
  3. When approaching a mixed set, as long as you show the guys respect, they will be cool with you

Mastery with Women

4 Replies

Mastery with women can seem like it’s concealed

Is mastery of success with women possible?

There’s a book called “Mastery” by George Leonard.

Highly recommended.

In it, Leonard says mastery isn’t a final place of arrival. It’s simply a practice. In other words, mastery isn’t a goal or destination, but rather a process or journey. He makes the point that mastery isn’t a special ticket available only for the super-talented, it’s available to anyone who’s willing to get on the path and stay on it, despite any obstacles or plateaus that we’ll inevitably encounter.

In Double Your Dating, David DeAngelo, following Leonard’s wisdom, claimed it takes about 2-4 years just to get “good” at something. And that’s JUST TO GET GOOD. (page 21 of DYD) Like martial arts, or playing an instrument, it takes time to master an art. Then David D speculates it takes another 2-4 years to become a “master.”

In Neil Strauss’s Annihilation video series, Mystery said he thought that when a pickup artist could approach 5 beautiful women in a row and each approach resulted in a “sexual” relationship of some sort, a pickup artist could be said to have achieved mastery.

But Leonard says even when you’re at these levels, you’re still not a master unless you keep the attitude of you’re a beginner. In other words, if you get complacent, you’ll lose it. More importantly, I think his point was we’ll always have more to learn.

So, there’s no final place. Not even a Medal of Honor makes someone a master. Mastery is just being on the path, a never-ending path of growth.

I still want to master success with women. But I have to remind myself that I’m not on this journey for glory, but for the deep joy that comes from practicing and growing.

So from Leonard’s perspective, mastery with women is absolutely possible—as long as we keep at it.

A never-ending path of growth–mastery with women unconcealed

Please Everyone, You’ll Lose Your Ass

4 Replies

One key to success with women is not caring what women–or anybody else for that matter–thinks about you. Be who you are. Be the best you can be. And anyone who tries to put you down can kiss your ass.

If you come across a person who shits on you or farts through their mouth and is full of stinking thinking, take a mental vacation from them. Stay away. They’ll discourage you and see the worst in you… because they don’t want you to do better than them.  You can’t succeed when you’re in pain, when you’re surrounded by negative people. Walk away.

Here’s a little story.

Once upon a time there was a man, a boy, and a donkey and they were taking a trip. When they came into a town everyone criticized them. “You’re so stupid. Why wouldn’t you let the boy ride the donkey? The poor boy.”

So the boy rode the donkey and the man walked. When they came into the next town, everyone criticized them. “Why would you make the boy ride the donkey when he’s younger and more able? Let the man ride the donkey. You are so ridiculous.”

So the man rode the donkey and the boy walked. When they arrived into the next town, everyone criticized them. “How could you ride the donkey? That’s abusive to the donkey. You are so cruel.”

So neither the man nor the boy rode the donkey. They took off the bags from the donkey and carried them themselves. When they got to a river, they carried the donkey through the river. This proved difficult. They lost hold of the donkey and the donkey drowned.

Moral of the story? Please everyone, you’ll lose your ass.

Take in criticism, and take a hard look at yourself. If the criticism is true, then learn from it. If the criticism is garbage, throw it away. Ultimately listen to a higher standard of truth than all the opinions and half-baked truths that come from people. That still, small voice inside… listen to that. Do the right thing and be the best you can be. Fuck everyone else.

Identity, part 2

2 Replies

Choose an identity that will make you successful with women

Every single guy has the ability to be successful with women. It’s not that some guys have it and other guys don’t. There’s no gene for success with women. ALL of us guys have it within us. We all have the masculinity that women love.

So what’s in the way of our success?

Well, there’s inner-game issues and outer-game issues.

Outer-game is about all the skills. That’s important. No doubt.

But without the right IDENTITY, or inner-game, all the skills in the world will be little better than a band-aid. Outer-game heals only the surface. But what you believe about yourself, your IDENTITY, will determine your success from the inside out.

Identity is really only a label. Be careful of the labels you put on yourself and the labels other people try to put on you. Give yourself a label that will make you more successful with women. Guess what? Your behavior will become consistent with that label.

Here’s another way of putting it.

People think they can change their behavior.

A smoker tries to quit, an obese person tries to eat less. And they fail. Why?

You can NEVER change your behavior. You have to change your identity first. Change the way you think of yourself. A smoker has to eliminate the label “smoker.” An obese person has to stop thinking of himself as someone who’s “fat.” Change the label first, even if you don’t see it yet, and the behavior will follow. Labels are like a self-fulfilling prophesy.

So, if you think of yourself as someone who’ll never be successful with women, you’ll act like that. But if you change the label and identify yourself with someone who’s irresistible to women, you’ll act more successful with women.

Change your identity first.

Decide who you want to become. And don’t “become” that person. BE that person RIGHT NOW! Now’s the time. Not later, but right now.

Speak, feel, act like a man who’s successful with women.

Now, you might hear a lot of people laugh at you and say no you “can’t” and reinforce those negative labels on you. The closest people in your life, your family and friends, will say these things to you. They’ve known you a certain way and have pigeon-holed you a certain way and they’ll resist your change.

Don’t let them.

YOU define who you are. YOU judge yourself. YOU get to determine whoever the hell you are and what you want. PERIOD.

And if you screw up along the way and get rejected by women, it’s okay. Just don’t let the screwup define you. You can screw up, but don’t be a “screwup.” You can do something stupid, but it doesn’t mean you’re “stupid.” You can do something terrible, but it doesn’t mean you’re a “terrible person.”

If you start to think you’re a “terrible person,” you’ll probably start doing more terrible things. Because that’s your identity. Do you think correctional institutions really correct behavior, or do they just reinforce a person’s identity as a “terrible person”? Don’t get me started. That’s a whole other story.

The point is, the mistakes you make aren’t your identity. It’s not permanent.

Some labels are beneficial, though. If that label or identity that brings you confidence and freedom, it will help you rather than hinder you. If you make your identity one that’s confident and one who knows how to make women feel wonderful… Your brain will figure out ways to make this come true.

So, be actively aware of any deep-seated beliefs about yourself that might be holding you back. So many of us are unconscious of the beliefs that don’t help us. Then ask who you really are at your deepest level. What is that spark in you, that divine flame, that’s been smothered? That’s who you really are.

Once you figure out who you truly are, FUSE with that identity. Step into the body of a man who’s successful with women. And emulate him. You get to decide. The rest is history.

Lessons from Spider-Man

Leave a reply

This picture is THE secret to success with women. Don’t make your woman #1. Find your mission in life. Make this #1. Don’t make intimacy your priority. Make it your purpose. She’ll guard the intimacy.

Mary Jane wants Spiderman to stay. She’s sad he’s gotta leave for “war” and be a superhero. She tells him all the time, “please don’t go.” He goes anyway. You can tell how disappointed she is.

But can you imagine if Spiderman said, “Actually you’re right. I won’t go. You’re more important than protecting humankind. You’re the most important thing in my life. Who cares if I’m needed. I’m staying here with you.” She might be glad, but she’d probably also feel let down.

You’ll hear a woman say she wants you to make her #1. The irony is she’ll love and admire you more if she’s not. If you make your woman your priority, she’ll feel like you’re dependent on her for your happiness. She’ll feel smothered. She’ll feel she doesn’t really have a man.

I don’t think she would ever admit she doesn’t want to be number one. She’ll complain she wants more of you. But what she really wants is for you to be dedicated to your purpose–and to also love her fully.

You have a gift to give to the world, everyone does. Don’t submit to your woman and kiss her ass. Discover your gift and purpose. Despite her pleas to the contrary, make giving your deepest gift to the world your priority.

I’ve gotta give credit where credit it due. I learned this insight from David Deida. And it changed my life.

We’ll inevitably get this question. “Does this make me look fat?” How do you respond? If you say no, the danger is you enter “supplicating” land. Obviously never ever tell her she looks fat. The best response is to agree… jokingly. “Yeah… I wasn’t going to say anything.” She’ll hit you on the arm. That’s a good thing. Hehe

Yes, to hold a woman that looks like this is every man’s fantasy. But there’s a great lesson here, too. See how Mary-Jane just relaxes and surrenders in Spidey’s arms? Women yearn for this. See how Spidey is like a rock? Solid, strong, still, protective. That’s the role we want to play with women. When we’re strong and able to steer the course of things, whether sexually, financially, emotionally, spiritually, it allows her to let go and relax.

Game

Leave a reply

I had always wondered what “game” is.

When you don’t want her, she wants you. When you want her, she doesn’t want you.

Simple as that.

Sounds harsh, I know. But it’s the way things are.

And by the way, this applies to when you FIRST want to attract a woman. Things change a bit when you get into a relationship–although it’s good to still sprinkle the “spice” of game into a relationship.

So, let me explain… because it does sounds kinda harsh. I know. I mean can’t you just be nice and not have to play games? I wish.

Women go to clubs, and they put a lot of effort in looking EXTREMELY hot.

But they reject guys over and over again. What’s up with that? Some women do it as a sort of “bitch shield.” Others do it to feed their egos. It’s as if the more they reject us, the hotter they feel.

Either way, don’t play into their trap. Knock her off the pedestal instead.

The HOTTEST women hear compliments all the time, so stay away from that kind of crap–unless it’s honest-to-God a truthful and sincere statement. Just be warned… if she can have you, she won’t want you.

Now, let me ask you something else. What do women want?

For the record, I don’t know. But the great philosopher Cindy Lauper may have given us a clue. “Girls just wanna have fun.” Instead of compliments, make her laugh by giving her a little attitude. Playfully of course.

It’s funny because we guys HATE it when girls give us attitude. Girls LOVE it when we give them attitude.

I don’t get it, I just know it works.

Maybe if you imagine yourself as the hottest woman it kinda makes sense.

Imagine you get approached by guys ten to thirty times a day with either a look or a proposition or a compliment about how beautiful you are. At first it might be kind of cool, but after hearing the same thing over and over and over again, it probably gets old FAST. Annoying, even.

Now, imagine after hearing the same compliments and propositions some guy walks up to you and gives you a little playful shit instead. It’d probably get your attention, right?

It’s counter-intuitive. You’d think being nice and buying her drinks would attract her. But it doesn’t. It doesn’t spark anything. It’s as if you walk in a store and are handed a fish for free versus going fishing and struggling to reel one in. Wouldn’t you say it’s the STRUGGLE that makes fishing fun?

Learn from how girls brush us off. And do it to them.

Girls can be heartless. I’m sure you’ve been there, I know I have. You be nice and you get squashed. They reject us ALL the time.

Either way… it’s time for guys to start acting like guys again. Don’t be a pussy when it comes to women. We think it’s wrong to give her a little attitude. It’s not. A little attitude sparks attraction. If she demands you buy her a drink, say NO! Ask her to buy YOU a drink. You don’t have to be nice and perfect. Be raw. It’s okay to be a guy.

Buuuuut… DON’T squash her. Don’t be mean. Do it to make her laugh. Do it to give her what she wants. A challenge.

ALL of us humans love challenge. It sharpens our edge.

And that’s what game is all about. Being a challenge. Brush her off… playfully, respectfully. Turn the tables on her for once. Rebuff HER. It’s like catnip for women. And for us it’s fun. Like a game.

In the first clip, watch Mystery walk away from the women. Voila! He draws them in…

How to Give a Girl a Compliment

2 Replies

Noooooooooo!

Compliments are just an awkward thing.

Wanna know how to give a woman a compliment the proper way? Compliment yourself.

Let’s say she has nice eyes. You might say something like this. “You’ve got nice eyes. They’re almost as nice as mine.”

That’s how you give a girl a compliment.

Here’s the rationale. A hot chick in a club or bar has been complimented and told she’s beautiful so many times, it doesn’t even mean anything.

It smells like you’re kissing her ass so you can get into her pants. Be different. Stay away from compliments. Compliment yourself.

When you get her into bed THEN compliment her. Tell her how beautiful her pussy is. Or how great she tastes. When you’re fucking her it’s a good thing to tell her how hot she looks. That’s the best time to compliment her.

If you MUST compliment her before you’ve gotten her into bed–here’s a few tips.

TIP #1. Make sure she’s earned it. First, qualify her. “What’ve you got going for you besides your looks?” If you genuinely like what you hear, THEN you can compliment her. “Damn, you seem cool. I wanna get to know you better.” She’s earned the compliment. It’s not even a compliment. It’s a statement of truth.

TIP #2. Make the compliment insightful. “Nice earrings” is lame. “I like the way the blue in the earrings matches your eyes. It looks like a Native American style.” Better. There’s details and specifics. If it’s insightful, it’s more honest.

TIP #3. Add something negative to the compliment. “You’re special… in that short bus to school sort of way.” “You’re everything I never wanted.” “You’re the most awesomest girl I’ve met… in the last 30 seconds.” “Check this girl out. She’s amazing and so bright and funny. Would you believe she’s never had a date?”

Actually this isn’t a compliment. It’s a diss. You pretend you give her a compliment, then take it away at the last moment. But it’s fuuuuun! Haha

Anyway, show appreciation to your woman only if it’s SINCERE–not to “get” her approval–but like you’re stating a truth, making an observation. And of course compliment her during sex, and during a relationship. But when you FIRST meet her, as a rule of thumb, don’t compliment her. It can smell of an ulterior motive. Compliment yourself.

Yesssssssss!

When You Fuck a Girl, Do This

5 Replies

Credit: erospainter.tumblr.com

Feel in your body what she’s feeling.

Let me ask you this. What causes goose bumps? Shivers? A chill down your spine? What about that feeling you get that makes you want to fuck, especially when you see a nice ass like this?

Credit: nylonfoxie.com

It’s been called chi in China, ki in Japan, prana in India, kundalini in yoga, but it’s all energy.

Sexual Energy Credit: wikipedia

Our life force. Leaves our body when we die. Pervades the universe. Einstein: equals matter times the speed of light squared. Makes us feel sexual. Energy from the genitals makes us feel sexual. Feels like a light in our bodies. You can tune into it.

You can tune into hers, too. You can feel what she’s feeling.

When your fingers touch her skin, or the inside of her pussy, feel her pleasure. Imagine her sexual energy going from her body into your hand. Touch SLOWLY, just the hairs on her skin and feel what she’s feeling.

You can use other body parts, too. Chest, cheek, lips, forearm, shoulder, hair, chin, ear, knee, ass, feet, tongue, breath…

Whatever way you touch her, feel what she’s feeling in your body. Follow her cues. You’ll know where to go and what to do next. You’re not just giving her pleasure, but taking it in too.

You won’t be bored. Won’t be distracted. Won’t have to accomplish anything. “I have to make her orgasm.” Nah. Just enjoying the pleasure. Enjoying this woman right here, right now, in front of you. Enjoying feeling what she’s feeling.

Credit: themilfdiary.wordpress.com/page/4/