One night, I watched her at the window in her sleep. I noticed for the first time, how a woman’s underclothes barely touches her skin. How it rides on a cushion of air as she moves. How the silk floats about her body, brushing her flesh like an angel’s wings, and I understood how a woman must be touched.
A while back I read about this experiment done at SUNY-Stony Brook. It gave me a huge “aha” moment. In fact, it was this insight that had helped my success rate with picking up women jump to a whole other level.
Arthur Aron. Credit: http://www.psychology.stonybrook.edu/aronlab-/
conducted the series of experiments. He wanted to find out what makes two people fall in love.
A man and a woman were put into a room together. Never met before. For 90 minutes.
Before they went into the room, Aron said to each person that the other person was going to like them. Then he instructed them to share intimate stuff, like embarrassing moments and how they’d feel if they lost a parent.
So, these two strangers are put in this room together and they’re sharing intimate info with each other.
Every so often, a researcher would come in and tell them to say what they liked about each other. They’d do that.
And every so often, a researcher would come in and tell them to gaze into each other’s eyes for about two minutes without talking. They’d do that.
At the end of the experiment, the two strangers left through separate doors. But many confessed to feeling deeply attracted, and close, to the other person. In fact, one of the couples actually even ended up getting married… and invited Aron to their wedding. Haha.
When I first read this, it helped me understand how to pickup women. This is what I took from it.
We need three things to feel those strong feelings of intimacy and love with another person.
FIRST… you need SEXUAL TENSION. I mean, if you don’t have sexual tension, you basically have a friend, right? And in that experiment, the eye gazing thing is so intimate, I can’t see how it wouldn’t some spark sexual tension. Confident body language helps, too. Confidence is sexy.
SECOND, you need MUTUAL SELF-DISCLOSURE. This is huge. When two people share deep, EMOTIONAL, stuff about themselves–not just talking about the weather–you’re no longer strangers. You’re no longer on the superficial level. You can’t help but experience an emotional connection.
Emphasis, by the way, is on MUTUAL. A guy can’t just do all the talking. And she can’t do all the talking either. BOTH people have to mutually self-disclose. And that leads to the third thing…
THIRD, you need to discover that the OTHER PERSON LIKES THEM. Appreciation is huuuuuuge. Do you think we get enough of it? I don’t. I know we humans like to criticize and find fault with each other. You don’t always hear people looking for the good in each other.
Aron actually thought that this was THE major factor that helped two people feel the feelings of falling in love. Discovering that the other person liked them. Isn’t that cool?
In pickup, what that means is DON’T just “DHV” (Demonstrate Higher Value) or do all the talking. Ask about her. Qualify. If you like what you hear, appreciate her. And state your interest. It’s CRUCIAL to attracting a girl.
When I first read this, I was fascinated because it seemed to corroborate the theory behind the Mystery Method.
The Mystery Method also states you need three things to create attraction with a woman on a pickup.
For those of you unfamiliar with the Mystery Method, let me share.
Mystery (often billed the world’s greatest pickup artist)
Mystery Credit: www.venusianarts.com
thought that the courtship process had a beginning, middle, and an end.
FIRST, you gotta ATTRACT a woman, SECOND, you gotta build COMFORT AND TRUST with her, and THIRD, you gotta SEDUCE her. In that order.
Seduce first, and you’re the creepy Player. Start in comfort… “so where are you from? Nice weather we’re having”… and you’re Mr. Nice Guy. Attract first, then you can ask her where she’s from. Build some comfort and trust, then you can seduce her. My post “Top Ten Mistakes Men Make With Women” covers this in detail.
Anyway, Mystery thought that the attract phase (the first phase) also had a beginning, middle, and an end.
Stay with me here…
Here’s the attract phase.
FIRST, OPEN a girl. Spark sexual tension through banter (Mystery calls it “negging”), kino (touch), and confident body language.
SECOND, DHV. That means self-disclose something about yourself. It lets her know what you’re about.
THIRD, QUALIFY. Ask about her. Now she self-discloses. Mutual self-disclosure, baby! After she talks, STATE YOUR INTEREST (if she seems cool). In other words, appreciate her. This lets her feel liked. And genuinely so, because you found something in her self-disclosure that honestly vibed with you. Nice.
Now you’re onto connecting, conversation, and comfort. Very nice.
In other words, in every pickup, you need sexual tension, mutual self-disclosure, and appreciation.
Following these three simple rules completely transformed my pickup into consistent success.
But if you REALLY wanna fall in love… connect physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually with her. If you find a woman you can do this with, you probably won’t have to pickup women anymore. You’ve probably found your match. Haha
The name of the book where I read about this experiment is called
If you saw a woman like this, would you know what to do? How in God’s name would you EVER be able to attract her, let alone talk with her?
Here’s the secret.
I learned it from a guy named Rion Williams.
Her beauty is bullshit. That’s it. Simple, right?
These are his exact words:
If you cut through the B.S. exterior of a pretty woman’s faux social persona, she’s just an average girl…
You could say it another way…
There’s inherently nothing different between an average looking girl and a really beautiful one. Deep down they are still a woman and need loving.
~Rion Williams, p.227 “Men’s Guide to Women”
Okay, so what does that mean exactly?
A woman’s beauty is a social construction. We’re taught we’re supposed to put a beautiful woman on a pedestal JUST BECAUSE SHE’S BEAUTIFUL. Just because nature dealt her a decent pair of cards, we have to treat her like she’s some superior being? How ridiculous is that?
Looking beyond her appearance is a HUGE piece in success with women. They’re human beings.
I know it sounds like a cliche that there’s more to a woman than her physical beauty. But it’s true. Her real sexuality isn’t in her makeup or her skimpy swimsuits or the photography tricks.
Her real sexuality comes when she’s in the presence of a man who’s stronger than her feminine beauty. A man who doesn’t need to “possess” her or “get into her pants.” A man who serves a deeper purpose than getting sex or getting women.
So she’s beautiful. Cool. Whatever. Who is she? Is there more to her than her looks? Does she have a positive outlook? Is she curious about things? What kind of person is she? Who is she underneath?
Much like enjoying a beautiful sunset without needing to possess it.
Look past the shining radiance of her beauty. See her as if she were seven years old, before sex complicated everything. When you really get down to it, we all humans want the same thing. We want love. We want to love and be loved in return. Plato taught me that one. Symposium. Socrates’ speech. Check it out. Awesome dialogue.
So, when you talk to her like a HUMAN BEING nothing might happen between the two of you. That’s cool too. You’ll find yourself getting to know a lot more people in the process, and appreciating the fantastic diversity of humankind. And that ain’t such a bad thing.
1. Showing too much sexual interest (Starting in Seduction): “The Creepy Guy”
A lot of guys show sexual interest in a woman before they attract and qualify her. They make it obvious to a woman they’re only interested in taking sex from her, without any regard to her as a person. It’s as if they say, “You don’t know me, wanna have sex?” Rather than be a getter, why not be a giver? Before seducing her, it’s best to let her see what you’re about, bring her some joy, and build comfort and trust. That way, you’ve built sexual interest in her as well.
2. Being too Nice (Starting in Comfort): “The Nice Guy”
On the opposite end, other men focus on not being a sexual threat and only building comfort. They’ll say things like “So, where are you from? Do you come here often?” before the woman knows anything about who this guy is. Share yourself first, and that will make her feel more comfortable sharing herself with you. And keeping the conversation fact-based is artificial. It’s best to make her FEEL first. Ironically, “The Nice Guy” technique still telegraphs sexual interest. He’s still trying to “get” but in hidden way. Giving favors, gifts, compliments, early protestations of love, and being afraid to rock the boat isn’t really giving because something is expected in return. It’s okay to be a sexual threat. In fact, to create sexual tension you need to be.
3. Not qualifying or listening (Attracting but No Comfort): “The Player”
When a man attracts a woman first, but skips comfort, and goes straight for the sex, he becomes a player. This has three major drawbacks.
a. Buyer’s Remorse. If you a rush a woman into sex too soon, she may regret it. So, avoid making out with her, especially if you’re in the club, and don’t lead her into the bathroom stall, unless all you want is a one night stand. It’s better to push her away: “We shouldn’t do this here.” Showing constraint is attractive. It also creates comfort and trust with her and increases sexual desire in her as a result. So, kiss her, but push her away. After you’ve built enough comfort, sexually arouse her in PRIVATE.
b. She feels manipulated. For us, it can feel intoxicating when a woman shows interest in us. Before we protest our interest in her though, let her win us over first. Let her show us what she’s about. Let her EARN being with us. Let her WORK for us. After all, you don’t want to sleep with just anyone, do you? If you like who she is as a person, then show interest in her as a person. If we don’t do this, she may feel like she’s just a body and that we just go for anyone. Besides, who values handouts? A player is smooth but rushes to sex. A Venuisan Artist doesn’t push for sex, but gets her to work for us first.
c. Her guard comes up. If you cross the line into seduction too early without listening to her, spending a few hours with her (between 4-10 hours–7 hours on average), bouncing her to different locations, showing a vulnerable, honest side, connecting, laughing, touching comfortably, showing constraint, she will feel uncomfortable with your seducing her. Most likely, she’ll resist. Don’t make sex the priority. Build comfort and trust with her first. By not pouncing, she’ll more likely pounce you.
4. Not Touching Her (Attracting but Stuck in Comfort): “The Friend Zone”
On the opposite end, if a man spends too much time in comfort, he’ll get stuck in the friend zone. This usually happens when we don’t kino her. When we don’t kino, often it’s because we don’t want to “offend.” We won’t “offend” if we’re the friendly guy who speaks with his hands and touches everyone, not just the target. High-fives, hugs, hand-shakes, arm taps are accepted public forms of touch. In a discreet way, also squeeze her hand and see if she squeezes back. If she does, play with her fingers but then drop her hands. This slips sexual feeling into the interaction without being overt about it. When alone, touch her leg with yours, smell her neck, brush a hair from her face to match the gradual escalation of emotional intimacy. Touch eliminates the friend zone.
5. Not creating sexual tension (Balance Indicators of Interest with Disinterest)
The “sexual” part of sexual tension comes from taking on the role of a dominant man interacting with a “cute” girl. The “tension” comes from the conflict of play-fighting. Tension is also the feeling of “what will happen next?” To the girl, this is exciting. She feels challenged–her pretty face for once isn’t sufficient to win over this guy. So, we must show disinterest: for example, walk away at the height of an interaction, or make her laugh with a neg instead of giving her a predictable compliment. We must also show interest too: for example smile, touch, show her appreciation when it’s deserved. In this way, we communicate with the woman inside her, not with with her polite, artificial social persona. Play-fight with her. Dominant man versus “cute” girl. This sparks sexual tension, and attraction, in her.
6. Trying Too Hard
Here are some examples of trying too hard: showing off, bragging, exaggerating accomplishments, asking a million questions, not allowing any silences, spending loads of money, entertaining her, trying to make her laugh constantly, getting interested in her way too fast, investing all our energies in one girl. Way too exhausting. The best pickup artists not only hunt, they farm. Go after one girl, get nothing. Go after 10 girls; get 7 awesome pivots and 3 lays (the best of the bunch, of course). You can only choose from the women who choose you. That means if you want to have choice, you have to be the man who talks to a lot of women. How can a girl chase us if we plant our feet in front of her and never move? Lie back and roll off. You’re the prize. Let the woman chase you. Jealousy plotlines can be an integral way to make the most beautiful women chase you.
7. Not Being Prepared
Generating a conversation out of thin air with complete strangers isn’t an easy task, so having some icebreakers prepared helps. Whip out a cheat sheet and fill it with negs, kino (write out the kino, however mundane, with negs and DHVs like stage directions), DHVs, and qualifiers. You’ll need enough material to engage a woman for 25 to 40 minutes, though ultimately you’ll need to fill 7 hours. Of that time, only the first few minutes should be A-2 material. Once we’ve hooked a woman, qualify her. We’ll stale out a set if we over-attract without having her work to attract us. We also demonstrate cluelessness about how to read a woman. Being prepared also means getting into the right state, which is a playful, positive, talkative state. Also, knowing where to bounce girls, and having logistics handled, is part of being prepared, as well as being groomed, clean, having condoms, and gum. Practice in the mirror before going out if you have to, it lends a degree of self-awareness in the field. And when you’re ready for that woman of particular beauty, forget everything and be in the moment. Ironically, preparation makes flow possible.
8. Being Too Logical and Factual
Showing off our intellect doesn’t create attraction. Our intellect speaks to her logic, not her emotions. Not smiling, keeping a monotone, factual voice, and being silent altogether doesn’t create attraction either. Where’s the juice? Women respond much more to a man who smiles and who’s expressive. This shows warmth and feeling. Women would rather feel. Rather than explain, or talk about facts and logic, or be overly serious, talk about emotional subjects, play with her, sweep her up into your arms and dance, talk about things that light you up. Passion and enthusiasm are aphrodisiacs for women. When you’re enthusiastic about something, she’ll be swept up in those good feelings and won’t want to part from them. Make a woman feel wonderful. She’ll associate feeling wonderful with you.
9. Demonstrating Lower Value
When we portray ourselves in a lower-value way with women, it kills her attraction for us. The way we portray ourselves begins in our thoughts. Instead of focusing on our insecurities in our thoughts, highlight strengths and accomplishments. Then when we’re talking with women, our positive light will naturally shine through, which increases her attraction for us. As a side note, self-deprecating humor only works when everyone is aware of one’s strengths. It becomes a form of humility, which is attractive. But when we self-deprecate without our strengths to contrast it with, it’s uncomfortable. So, why not meditate on our strengths in our thoughts? That way we grow into men of the highest value, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
10. Fearing What She Thinks of You
Who cares what she might think of us? For that matter, who cares what anyone might think of us? All the great pickup artists seem to have one thing in common: social freedom. It’s so much more attractive to walk through the world without fear, especially without the fear of losing other people’s approval. “Approval” from others is flimsy, “approval” from within is solid. More important than getting the girl is serving a deeper purpose than women, and keeping focus on that purpose to its end with all of our hearts. Women can be sunshine in our lives, beautiful and inspiring, but true freedom comes not from getting her or from clinging to her, but from bringing our light into the world. The byproduct, not the goal, is we become a supremely attractive man to women, a man of particular value.