Cocky-funny, for those of you who don’t know, is the technique David DeAngelo made famous in his ebook “Double Your Dating.” The idea isn’t to kiss girls’ asses. It’s to play a certain character. A guy who’s cocky, and pushes the girl away, playfully.
Basically, it’s banter. But it’s magic when it comes to creating sexual tension.
Totally counter-intuitive, because you’d think being the perfect gentleman and being super-nice and perfect attracts chicks. Uh-uh. The reality is pushing her away, being the cocky guy who doesn’t take himself too seriously is what attracts women.
Especially when you first approach women. Banter. Within the first two sentences. You wouldn’t think it works. It’s scary because you think you’re being mean or something. But believe you me. It’s magic.
If you want to see cocky-funny in action, check out Han Solo with Leia, especially in Empire Strikes Back.
Or Rhett with Scarlett in Gone With the Wind.
Sexual tension, pulling her in and pushing her away and believing you’re the catch, is the key to creating attraction with women.
This insight was a game changer for me. I learned it during a seminar at my Venusian Arts Coaching Training Program.
The idea is simple. Instead of out right criticizing someone, follow this “formula” instead.
First, praise. Sincerely. That means finding a positive detail about someone and praising it. A generic “yeah, yeah that’s good” won’t cut it. An honest-to-God detail you saw that you truly admired will. What if you can’t find a good detail? You CAN. There’s ALWAYS good to be found.
Second, correct. Now you can point out what it is that could be improved on.
Finally, praise again. Don’t end on a negative note. End on a positive note.
Most people just out right criticize each other, and find fault, instead of considering how it might make that person feel. Outright criticism puts a person on the defensive, feeds arguments, hurts feelings, and just plain breeds negativity.
But if you find the good in a person–genuinely–then gently point out what could be “corrected,” and finally emphasize the good again, it makes it more likely you or me or any one of us will listen to the “correction.” And, maybe best of all, it forces us to see the good (not just the bad) in each other.
Inevitably, we’ll have conflicts with our women. This technique is one great way to dealing with those. Agree or praise, then assert your view. Keep agreeing or praising, and gently asserting. It defuses negativity, allows a person to be “heard,” which in turn allows you to be heard.
In that way, it’s a great way of dealing not with just women, but with conflicts in general.
It’s easy just to tear down. But in the long run, it’s so much simpler to be on a person’s side.
Yet the pickup community LOVES it. Holy moly. It’s like their religion.
Listen to how they use it to explain approach anxiety.
Once upon a time, long, long ago, our ancestors used to live in caves and in small communities. If you approached a woman back then and it went badly, you were ostracized. A gene for approach anxiety was created in the body of all men. That’s why today we experience approach anxiety, even though we no longer live in caves or small communities. The End.
Does anyone else see what a load of CRAP this is?
First of all, the first humans originated in the open air and deserts of Africa, not in caves.
The first humans weren’t in caves. Photo Credit: worldofweirdthings.com
But even that’s not 100% fact. Just speculation based on where bones have been found and on genetic deduction.
Second, which ancestors? Australopithecus afarensis? Homo habilis? Homo erectus? Homo heidelbergensis?
Let me pause here and say there is evidence the first homo sapien population was riskily (if that’s a word) small.
One theory says our population may have fallen as low as 10,000 people because of drought, famine, and epidemics. The theory is based on how little diversity we have in our genes compared to our nearest cousins, the primates.
Based on genetic deduction, apparently our gene pool had shrank so low that when our species expanded again, all descendants carried copies of the same limited amount of genes. That’s why they say we may have descended from a founding population of only 50 people.
I love this idea, even if it’s speculation. It shows how all of us humans have so much more IN COMMON than we have differences. That smokin’ hot woman over there? Part of our close-knit family of humanity. Nice.
And it’s also true that the population of modern humans living on this planet boggles.
But to say all men now carry a gene for approach anxiety as a result?
Don’t make me laugh.
That leads to the third thing.
Third, it’s IMPOSSIBLE to have a gene for approach anxiety.
Genes are simply a long sequence of nucleotides.
I’m about to geek out on you here, so watch out.
There are only four nucleotides, identified by the letters A, T, C, and G. There are thousands, sometimes tens of thousands of nucleotides in a gene and in a particular order: AATCCGGCATT and so on. I got this all from Harvard geneticist R.C. Lewontin (p. 46-50 of “Biology as Ideology”).
The long sequence serves two functions.
First, it’s a BLUEPRINT. Other long molecules copy the original sequence of A’s, T’s, C’s, and G’s. These molecules are the amino acids of a protein. They in turn make up our cells, tissues, enzymes, hormones.
A fascinating view of genes. Photo Credit: virtualmedicalcentre.com
Second, genes turn on and off the production of proteins. For example, if a lactose enters the body, the gene will turn on the production of a certain protein to break down the lactose and use it as a source of energy.
Therefore, GENES ARE JUST A BLUEPRINT THAT ALLOW THE BODY TO MANUFACTURE PROTEIN!
So where the HELL is approach anxiety to be found?
Or the gene for alcoholism, artistic talent, homosexuality, “being good with women,” or whatever vice or virtue people try to imagine there’s a gene for?
Fourth, let’s say there was a gene for approach anxiety. There’s not, but let’s just imagine for shits and giggles.
Can you explain to me how we would ever be able to get over the anxiety? Wouldn’t that mean that we’re then determined forever and ever to have approach anxiety? Does that mean CHOICE or environment or practice or has no role anymore in shaping our destiny?
I mean, entire CULTURES of people lack approach anxiety, so how could ALL men have a gene for approach anxiety?
I live in the beautiful state of Maine in the northeast, so not the best example. Granted. Here, people have a reputation for keeping to themselves (even though not everyone here is like that).
But people from the Midwest have told me that people there tend to be far friendlier and outgoing and have less problem approaching strangers.
The same thing goes for Cuban culture. My father, who’s visited twice, used to tell me stories about how he had trouble getting to his destination on time because Cubans would approach him on his walk and stop him just to strike up a friendly conversation. Strangers aren’t “strangers” to Cubans, but friends first.
Cubans. Photo Credit: lacertilia.com
Fifth, if our ancestors lived in such small tribes, why would they have the need to approach a woman? If you live in a small enough community, wouldn’t everyone pretty much know each other already? And didn’t many of these small tribes have arranged marriages?
The whole approach anxiety thing comes from the fact you’re approaching a complete STRANGER to “court” but who might reject you. That happens in a large environment with lots of strangers and with no such thing as arranged marriages. Namely, OUR modern, industrialized culture in the West.
I’m almost done with my rant. One more thing.
The problem with evolutionary psychology is none of us were there 200,000 years ago (approximate date of earliest Homo sapiens in Africa). So talking about it like it’s the cause of our problems today must forever be called bullshit.
Worse, if we’re not careful, we’ll project our modern prejudices into biology, and pass it off as science. What I mean is, if there’s a gene for approach anxiety, there can also be a gene for warfare, sexual inequality, racism, class, and capitalist greed. These are cultural prejudices, NOT biological facts.
Personally, evolutionary psychology had never helped me understand my own approach anxiety on any meaningful level.
Okay, I’m done.
So, why is approaching women so hard?
Well, she doesn’t know you yet. As a result, she often (not always) has a “guard” up. It’s VERY intimidating.
If something doesn’t go right, no need to freak out. There’s always a solution to a problem. If you listen to the Stoic philosophers and to the Taoists, they seem to believe things will work out one way or another.
And in the larger scheme of things, whatever the “big” deal is, is never really THAT big of a big deal. In fact, I’m constantly getting reminded that pain is usually something to learn and grow from, not to freak out over. Wouldn’t you agree?
So, remain calm. You can handle it whatever life throws at you. You can handle it.
It’s an attitude that’s attractive to women, no doubt. I mean, how are we to supposed take care of our women, and be a strong man for our women if we can’t keep calm in the storm that’s life?
But more important than being attractive to women, it’s a critical attitude to have for life in general. I repeat this mantra to myself whenever things don’t go right, and it always helps me to stay calm and focused.
Why is the whole dating process called “Game”? What’s the constant throughout the attract, comfort, and seduce stages? What unifies and binds them together as one? The answer might help us play the Game like a master.
Here’s my thought: Game has to do with the interplay between interest and disinterest.
It’s about giving and taking away.
Take a step forward and a step back.
You’re interested but not quite.
I like you, but you can’t have me…yet
Push the boundary and back off (before she pushes you away first).
Show warmth and freeze out
In other words, we guys have to be the ones to show interest in the girls first. We make the first move. But we must also temper that interest with disinterest. We have to push her away first before she does (or else game over).
When we push her away it creates an empty space between us and her that draws her toward us, like a magnet.
We pursue that which retreats from us.
That’s the Game. You draw near and retreat at the same time, over and over again.
Women enjoy feeling desired. At the same time she wants to be challenged and earn our affections, too.
The Game begins in A-1 (approach) the FIRST SECOND we approach. Approaching her is a show of interest. So, as soon as we approach, within the first two sentences we must also lean back, begin to walk away, say we’re leaving soon, or tease/neg her mercilessly.
It continues through A-2 (attract). When we tell stories or demonstrate our value, again, we’re showing interest in her. We wouldn’t be investing all that time and energy to tell her a story if we weren’t interested. So, during a story we also neg the target to balance our show of interest: “Ewww, I don’t want her”—all in the name of play of course.
It continues through A-3 (qualify). Asking questions is a show of interest. But a QUALIFYING question, like “What have you got going for you besides your looks?” shows you might be disinterested, too.
Compliments must have spice, too. Ironically spice makes people feel more comfortable with a compliment. “Oh my God, you’re a ballerina? (props) I can’t even talk to you (push away)!” You appreciate her but you give a “spank” at the same time.
A good spank here and there can be a good thing
It happens in physical escalation. You touch her hand but throw it away, you smell her but tell her “I’m not in that mind space,” kiss her and then say “that’s enough.”
It must happen in comfort. Although the emphasis is on building a connection and less on showing “disinterest,” we must still sprinkle in banter and spice. It must never stop, even when we’re married to her with kids.
It happens in foreplay and sex. You smell her neck for ten minutes but never touch her. You lean in to kiss her but you back off. You kiss all around her pussy but you don’t lick her clit yet. You tease her pussy with your cock but you don’t put it in until you’re ready.
The undercurrent of challenge is always there: pushing her away yet pulling her toward you, pulling her toward you yet pushing her away. That’s what Game is all about. And it keeps the romance alive in a relationship.
The Game is NEVER played in a mean way, but in the spirit of a game, of play, of fun. It’s all about balancing opposites: balancing your show of romantic interest with a show of romantic disinterest.
Why must we play “Games” at all? Can’t we just be honest and tell her we want her?
Believe me, I’ve tried many times. Women, simply don’t respond to it.
Again, we pursue that which retreats from us.
So, we beat her to the punch (her retreating from us) by retreating and showing disinterest first. We have to do this, because women are not always particularly nice to us when we approach them.
Not only that, women seem to enjoy this way more. Seeing it written down, she might deny it. But in actuality they respond to it.
And it makes sense when you think about it.
On one hand, men who approach women with blatant sexual interest, makes her feel like a piece of meat. On the other hand, men who approach women by bombarding her with a zillion questions or kissing her ass, just because she has a great ass, doesn’t make her feel that “spark” either.
Playing the Game, doesn’t put her on a pedestal and doesn’t treat her like a piece of meat. It’s the middle way. More importantly, it allows us to interact with her like a normal human being. It makes her feel safe and comfortable. And it allows her to come to us.
With game, our interest isn’t aggressive and obvious but gentle and indirect. At the same time our disinterest shows her we’re strong, honest, and in charge. Our interest becomes more than about sex. She’s no longer just a piece of meat. Our interest becomes about being with her and finding out who is she beyond her looks as a real human person.
The road to sex becomes a process, not a destination.
It’s funny, when we see a banging body we get turned on and we’re ready for sex INSTANTLY. It almost doesn’t even matter who she is. See great body, ready for sex.
Yep. Ready for sex.
Women, on the other hand, are not ready for sex instantly just by seeing a great body. They need to find out who the person is (she risks more than we do by having sex). So, she plays the Game intuitively on us to screen us.
If we play the Game with her in return we’re on a level playing field. We’re speaking the same language.
Now her sexual interest can ignite and slowly simmer to a boil as if she’s the water in a pot and we’re the fire beneath.
We must play the Game because women respond to it with pleasure. It doesn’t matter if she’s a college student or a tenured professor: The Game speaks to the woman inside her. It’s a dance. It’s fun and interesting not just for her but for us, too.
We must play the Game to communicate in her language of juicy emotion and coy indirectness rather than our language of dry logic and brute directness.
But the good news is it’s truly just a game, there’s no real substance to it. Her rejection or acceptance of us has little to do with who we really are as people, but with the level of our skill.
There’s also no substance to Game because a guy who has higher social status–the equivalent of a woman’s banging body for us guys–is just as superficial. Status is an image, an illusion.
It says nothing about our true worth or value as a human person. It’s called Game, because truly, it’s bullshit. That doesn’t mean we bullshit her. It just means it’s not real. It’s not personal.
It’s just mixing disinterest with interest, and interest with disinterest. It’s laughing it off. It’s make-believe. It’s play. It’s fun.
Bars and clubs… where the hottest chicks go. How do you approach them in this most intimidating environment? Answer: Don’t approach ONLY hot chicks.
Let me ask you something. What’s the “3-second rule”?
Easy, right? When you see a hot girl, approach her within 3 seconds.
That’s true, and accurate.
But there’s a deeper meaning. Approach THE FIRST SET (group of people) YOU SEE within 3 seconds, regardless if there’s hot chicks in it or not.
Here’s a story from my own experience that demonstrates this.
Back when I first started learning pickup, one night I went to a loud dance club to practice.
Oh, and by the way, don’t do what I did and practice at night clubs. Practice in lounges and bars where you can actually hear yourself speak. Club game takes a whole different set of skills.
Anyway, big surprise, I wasn’t getting any interest from chicks. One girl outright said, “I’m not interested.”
I was so discouraged. I couldn’t figure out what I did. The entire following week I wracked my brain trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. It wasn’t until I sought out info from wiser guys than me that I finally figured out what happened.
I was only approaching good-looking women.
I didn’t talk to the bouncer, the bartender, any of the guys or unattractive women. As a result, I was probably coming across as on the prowl.
Worse, by the time I approached a hot chick, I was in such a “watching” mind-set (not a “talkative” one) that the approach felt forced. She probably felt a distinct “this guy is hitting on me” feeling.
No wonder I was striking out.
So, the next night I went out to a bar (that had a club attached) and I did the opposite.
To the bartender I said, “Hey, how’s your night going?”
To the bouncer I made sure to give a solid “What’s going on? Have a great night.”
I spoke to guys—who I found to be really cool and a lot easier to start a conversation with than women for some reason.
I spoke to unattractive girls.
When I went into the dance club, I didn’t stand on the sidelines to watch. I got on the dance floor and danced. Side note: I found you don’t have to be John Travolta on the dance floor. All you gotta do is move to the rhythm, and smile. And don’t grind on the girls.
When I returned to the bar I felt this incredible surge of confidence. I felt like I owned the place.
Opening hot chicks was now natural and easy. They were just another group of people in the club—no one special. And amazingly they opened up like flowers in sunshine. haha
This taught me, hands down, that the approach begins BEFORE you approach. It begins with how you feel, with your mind-state.
If your mind-state is anxious, people will feel this and be resistant. If your mind-state is joyful, people will feel this and want to talk with you. How you feel inside ain’t separate from the approach. It’s the secret to it.
That night I number-closed two gorgeous women. One of them asked for my number because she wanted to demonstrate her blow-job skills on me. Um, let me think about that…okay.
The key to picking up chicks isn’t talking only to the hot chicks but talking to EVERYONE. Everyone. Don’t discriminate. See a group, 3-seconds later you’re talking to them. Doesn’t have to be a long-ass conversation, a “hey, how’s your night going” does wonders.
This can even be practiced outside the club in everyday life, smiling at people, saying hi, making the cashier smile, or whatever.
Anyway, in a bar, I found people actually want to talk with you. It’s a social environment for God’s sakes! But a lot of time people are shy to break the “stranger” barrier, so they’re psyched when you have the balls to do it.
BONUS: when women see all this, they feel a lot safer when you approach them. They see you’re not after them, on the prowl. They see you’re just friendly, people like you, and that you can even get along with other guys. That’s attractive to women. Women are social value seekers, so when you talk to everyone it shows you have social value to offer them.
ANOTHER BONUS: You get in a talkative mood, and you feel like you can talk to anyone.
And check this out. When you do approach the hot chicks it doesn’t have to be fancy. You can say a quick little thing, make them laugh, and walk away. When you see them again, they feel like you’re not a stranger anymore and they’ll open right up. You’re not a predator trying to get something from them. You’re just outgoing and fun.
Aaaaaand, you’ll look COMPLETELY different from every other guy in there, who’s just standing there gawking at the women.
But let me clarify this super-important point. You’re friendly not just in order to impress chicks and pick them up, but because it’s a blast to meet new, cool people and build a social network. It just so happens that in the process, you’ve also created attraction in women, even before you approached.
“Man was born free, and he is everywhere in chains.”
–Jean-Jacques Rousseau, The Social Contract, page 1
This applies to pickup.
All of us are born socially free. But we got bound by social chains of “you can’t do this,” esteem, hurt feelings, limited thinking, insecurities.
Pickup is one way to free us from these chains.
Brad P: what all the master pickup artists have in common, despite whatever school of pickup they represent, is
MOST people have social anxiety. They’re afraid of rejection, afraid to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing.
But the key to success in pickup is to break free from this anxiety and be socially free again. The way we already were as kids.
Like Rousseau says, EACH ONE OF US has freedom inside us already. We just have to return to it.
When I think of social freedom, I think of the movie The Mask.
Remember how Jim Carey transformed from this timid, Mr. Nice Guy into a wild, fearless, powerful and invincible guy when he put on The Mask?
Then Ben Stein explains The Mask had released his id from his super-conscious. With The Mask on, he now had no more social pressures like “you’re not supposed to this” or that. Just total non-self-consciousness and freedom!
When I picture The Mask before I go into the field it’s amazing how approach anxiety kind of lessens for me. What other people think of me? Screw that. All I care about is doing the right thing… being friendly to EVERYONE and giving lots of love. That’s higher than what people might think of me.
Now here’s the best part of all this. How do we break our social restraints?
What could be more socially free than approaching complete strangers? Approaching is an exercise of social freedom, like an athlete exercising to become healthy and strong.
Social freedom is our natural right. It’s in ALL of us. We just have to reclaim it. The art of pickup is an awesome… and very practical… way to do this.
Great passage. Page 10 – 11 in Double Your Dating:
“Females select males most of the time in nature…
“Sooooooo… when talking to women… point out that you are the selector and not the selectee… It points out something to the woman that she’s most likely NEVER HEARD FROM A MAN IN HER ENTIRE LIFE.”
It’s such a simple, but profound insight in how to create attraction in women.
Later in the book David DeAngelo also says:
“(Helitzer) said (in “Comedy Writing Secrets”) that most of being funny is the CHARACTER and not the jokes.
“The lines didn’t much matter, as long as they fit in with the character. Now that I have created this CHARACTER for myself, things are all different. Women now call me. They pursue me. They want to be around me. It’s strange and magical and weird.”
PLAY the CHARACTER of THE SELECTOR, even if it’s a joke. She’ll be laughing (always good) while you’ve created this implicit dichotomy between you and her. You’re pretending to be the higher-than-her male. Even if it’s just pretend, she’s still accepted the she’s-chasing-you role, which sparks attraction in her (without her realizing it). You’re just playing like you’re a kid again in a sandbox, but spicing in these masculine, sexual-selector undertones.
Re-reading this always gives me a jolt, so I want to share it with you all, too.