It’s about what a woman is thinking when you approach her. She’s thinking:
“Who is this guy? What does he want? And how long am I stuck with him for?” -lol, that’s exactly what we think. May I add the question “What is he going to offer me?” I know not all woman may think this right away, but I do think this is why you have to demonstrate high social value, so she thinks you are a valuable person in the world.
Nice. I learned a lot from that comment, so I wanted to share it with you, too.
Let’s break it down real quickly.
When we first approach a woman, we’ve gotta answer these questions:
Who is this guy?
What does he want?
How long am I stuck with him for?
What is he going to offer me?
or else she’s not going to hear a word of what we’re saying.
Luckily, those legendary pickup artists, Style and Mystery, discovered the tools that answer these questions right off the bat. That’s probably why they were such approach masters.
Here are the techniques they invented:
The “root” (reason for why you’re talking with her) answers… “What does he want?”
The “false time constraint” (I’m on my way out/I’m not going to be here forever) answers… “How long am I stuck with him for?”
DHV (self-disclosure) answers… “Who is this guy” and “What is he going to offer me?”
I also loved what she said about “what is he going to offer me?”
Obviously, we know what’s in it for us if we get with this hot chick.
Well, what’s in it for her if she gets with us? That’s why we’ve gotta give her value IMMEDIATELY.
Enter the DHV.
The DHV is all about HER self-interest.
It’s NOT about you or showing off how great you are. It’s about putting an eager want inside of her… for you.
It’s like if you were to go fishing, putting a worm at the end of a hook instead of a slice of pizza. You might like pizza, but fish like worms. So, you bait the fish with worms (its self-interest) not pizza (your self-interest).
Likewise, there are certain things that attract women that don’t necessarily attract us guys. Understanding what those are and giving them to her IMMEDIATELY ignites an eager want in her. That’s what DHV is all about.
(If you’re curious what those things are that attract women more than us guys, check out my article “5 Attraction Switches” , if you’d like. It’s SUPER helpful to know about them.)
Here’s another reason DHV answers her question “what’s he going to offer me”:
It gives her something of USE. You give her a little gift right off the bat.
For example, if you share a personality test with her, she gets to learn something cool about herself. She’s smiling. Who IS this guy, she might be saying to herself. Thumbs up.
Or, if you share a funny story with her, she gets to laugh and “feel good.” Can you say “Hell, yeah”?
By the way, speaking of “feeling good,” I’ve found an even MORE effective way of answering all these questions right off the bat than the three techniques I just listed above.
And that’s banter.
If you play fight with her… starting with THE SECOND SENTENCE OUT OF YOUR MOUTH (“The Second Sentence Rule”)… in a way where you’re dominant and she’s cute… not only does it make her laugh, but it creates sexual tension.
And we all know what women say about laughter. How much they hate it and they never look for it in a guy.
Um, yeah right.
My article “Flirting” goes into how exactly to banter in a lot of detail. Again, check it out if you’d like.
Banter is THE key to creating attraction right off the bat. Hands down. Not to sound overly dramatic or anything, but learning that skill changed my life. And I’m not even kidding.
Anyway, keep in mind those questions that Bossymoksie shared with us when guys approach her! Invaluable, invaluable, invaluable. Answer those questions and… hello awesome approach, nice to know you (read: put her at ease). Things from there are cake.
Thanks Bossymoksie for sharing that little pice of gold with us.
Qualification is so important it’s not even funny.
Tell me if you’ve ever been in this situation. You’ve got a girl giggling, she’s facing you, and she’s touching your arm. She’s attracted to you. And you’re panicked.
WHAT DO I DO NOW?
I’ll tell you what I’ve done in the past.
Self-conscious. “Holy shit, she’s actually attracted to me? But I’m not really that attractive. What if I screw things up?” All of a sudden I’d feel my body getting all stilted and unnatural, and guess what? She’d lose interest in me. And I’d kick myself in the ass for being such a loser.
PSYCHED! “She likes me? Nice! Might as well show my interest in her, too.” And I’d say something like “I like you a lot, too. Let’s get together.” She’d STILL lose interest in me. And I’d be scratching my head. What did I do wrong this time?
Well, I’ll tell you what went wrong. I stopped being any sort of a challenge. When in doubt, if you’ve ever got a girl’s interest… or you’ve been doing good and don’t know what to do next, here’s what to do:
Once again, it was Mystery that I learned this all-important piece of wisdom from.
Here’s the reason.
Women get attracted differently than we do. They’re attracted more to PERSONALITY. We’re attracted more to looks. As long as a woman is hot enough, she might do something silly, whatever, we’d still want to sleep with her.
Not so with women.
If you make some social goof-up, let’s say you wear white socks with black shoes, often she’ll lose attraction for you. She’ll be like “what’s wrong with him?” Or, “what’s that say about him?” Or, “God, he must have really low social status.” Looks aren’t #1 for them like they are for us.
So, let’s say you’ve attracted her by being a bit of a challenge. For God’s sakes, don’t stop! Keep being a bit of a challenge. How?
The reason goes even deeper than that.
Attraction is a two way street. You’ve worked to attract her. Well, your job is only half done. Now, she’s got to work to attract YOU.
Let her do some of the work.
Showing your interest in her because she’s showing interest in you is NOT a legitimate reason for you to be interested in her, according to her.
Because it took absolutely ZERO effort on her part to get you. She’ll be like, “Well, that was easy. NEXT!” She wants to actually DO something personality-wise to EARN your attraction to her.
Well, qualification is the way.
It’s actually beautiful when you think about it. The second and third stages of the attract phase are very much brother and sister to each other. They’re mirror images.
First, I’ve got to get the woman attracted to me. Second, I’ve got to reveal I’m becoming more and more attracted to her for LEGITIMATE reasons.
Let me say that another way.
Mystery calls A2, when I get the woman attracted to me, “female to male attract.” The objective is to systematically trigger her 5 attraction switches by DHVing to her group of friends and negging, ie pushing away the target and pulling her in at the same time. The group is like “This guy is cool, funny, interesting.” And the girl is like “have my hot looks lost their super powers?”
Again, you’re a fun, interesting guy with cool topics of conversation. You’re full of good feelings, and… “wait a second,” your target says, “he’s giving me a little shit instead of being up my asshole? This is different.” Play A2 right, and she’ll show indicators of interest to you like asking your name, giggling, and all that great stuff.
It’s SUPER exciting when that happens. Belieeeeeeve me, I know. But my point is, stay cool.
All that good stuff begins A3. A3 is when the woman tries to get me attracted to her. Mystery calls it “male to female attract.” The objective is for you to encourage her… ENTICE her… to bring out the best in her, in such a way that when she DHVs to you, you can then reward her with indicators of interest of your own.
A2 and A3 are exact, perfect opposites. Attraction is a two way street. You DHV first. When she shows her attraction, get her to DHV to you. That way there’s mutual attraction based on SUBSTANCE. She’s earned your interest. It’s not because she’s interested in you.
After all, if you’re interested in her just because she’s interested in you, you leave yourself open to getting manipulated. She might think, “Oh, I see how this all works. If I act all interested in him, I’ve got him wrapped around my finger. I wonder how much I can get away with now.” Nooooooooo!
Even if she shows interest, still be a challenge. QUALIFY HER!
Getting sex from this unbelievably, incredibly hot woman must NOT be #1. You’ve got standards. Who is she as a person? She’s gotta earn your interest based on whether she’s got good substance or not. She’s gotta pass YOUR tests.
That way she’s not just being handed a fish (i.e. your interest in her) for free, but she’s WORKED to reel it in. She’s earned your interest. She’ll value it more that way. People simply don’t value free shit.
There’s an even deeper reason to qualify. And I learned this from a fantastic book called “Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants,” by Elliott Katz. Highly recommended.
Katz observed that we human beings tend to love the people we give to, more than love the people we receive from.
The more you give, for example the more you DHV, DHV, DHV, the more your interest in your target grows. But not necessarily does her interest grow for you. You get more and more invested. But not necessarily does she get more invested.
Well, it’s the exact same thing the other way around. If she can DHV, DHV, DHV to you, the more her interest in you grows. And the more she gets invested.
Sit back and let her DHV for you. And of course, appreciate her afterwards.
The giving has gotta be mutual.
You can see this with parents. They give and give to their children. But if the children don’t give back, they’ll often resent their parents, take them for granted, or get really spoiled.
And how many times have you seen guys give and give to their woman, pay for all the things she wanted… and wonder why she’s still unhappy?
We guys want to be givers and providers. Believe me, I understand. I’m the same way.
But we’ve got to learn how to let her give to us, too. Not so that we can become takers. But to let her feelings of love grow for us.
And the really gorgeous thing is when she does something for me, I can then show appreciation to her. It ain’t gonna be bullshit appreciation. That’s for sure. Cause she’s actually done something. It’s gonna be SINCERE appreciation.
It’s such an important point, and one I’ve got to remember myself.
Recently, I left my girl a rose and a card while she was sleeping. She’s incredible, and I wanted her to know how much I appreciated her. She woke up the next morning and wrote me this lovely note in return. I was taken aback at first. It reminded me how important it is not just to give, but to receive, too.
So, qualification extends into relationships, too.
It’s okay to ask her to do stuff for you. It’s okay if she buys you a drink. It’s okay if she drives to your place. It’s okay to have her help you with your passion and life’s deepest purpose in some way. It’s okay to tell her to suck your dick.
As long as you give too, there’s nothing wrong with telling her what to do so she can give to you. In fact, make sure to do this. Her doing shit for you increases her attraction for you.
It’s weird how that works, right?
Once again, it’s NOT the more I give to a person, the more they’ll love me. It’s the other way around. We develop feelings of love to the one we’re giving to.
So, even if a girl doesn’t like a guy, just by doing things for him, good feelings towards him will grow. “I must really like this guy,” she might say. She’s investing, she’s gotta backwards rationalize it someway.
A2 is all about you giving. A3 is about receiving. Or, letting her give to you. Once she does, THEN you can state your interest and show appreciation. And now, it’s safe to hit on her.
Qualification is really the art of the compliment.
Moral of all this? Next time she shows interest in you, QUALIFY HER! Like her for LEGITIMATE reasons.
She works. She comes to you. Now you can show interest. Magically, her interest in you will grow, too.
Here’s some qualifiers you can use.
“Name me three qualities that would make me want to get to know you more than just a hole in the wall.”
“What have you got going for you besides your looks?”
“Look around you, beauty is common. But what’s more important is a positive outlook, a desire to always grow as a person, and integrity. What are some things about you that would make me want to get to know you better?”
“If you could do anything in the world with no chance of failure, what would you want to be? And don’t say princess.”
“Are you adventurous?”
“Are you a passionate person?”
“Can you cook?”
“Who are you?”
Once she says something of interest you can be like, “No WAY! That’s awesome.”
Make her feel like you like her for legitimate reasons.
Here’s some simple ones.
“What’s your favorite incense?… Oh I love Jasmine!”
“What’s your favorite food?”
“What’s your favorite place to visit? Or, if you you could wake up anywhere in the world, where would it be?”
“What DVD would you pop in to have as comfort food for when you’re feeling down?”
“If I were to turn on your iPod, what song would I find playing right now? You listen to Tool? I love Tool. Get your ass over here. *Hug* Now get off me. *Release*”
And notice these questions aren’t philosophical or intellectual. The simple ones are tangible, not abstract. But all of em are EMOTIONAL. Keep it emotional. Get her FEELING what you’re feeling. Enthusiasm. Excitement. Interest.
After you qualify, and she’s said something of interest… NOW you can show your interest.
“Are you single?”
“Wow, you’re pretty cool. We should continue this.”
“Oh, I like this one!”
“Oh my God, you’re a dancer? That is so awesome. I can’t even talk to you right now.”
“You know what? You seem pretty cool. I’m curious about you.”
“We have to hang out again sometime!”
“That’s it, we’re getting married. We’ll fly to Vegas tomorrow. I’ll dress you up as Catwoman, and I’ll be Batman. It’ll be awesome.”
“You have a great energy and such an expressive personality. I admire that.”
Notice these statements have NOTHING to do with her looks. They’re about her personality. Compliment her looks when you get to the bedroom. Before then, focus on her qualities as a human being.
Anyway, all those statements above are called an “SOI” or Statement of Interest. It closes A3 and the attract phase. And it automatically moves you into comfort.
I just want to add one point to all this.
Mystery normally recommends waiting to receive three IOIs (indicators of interest) before qualifying.
If I know I’ve negged or bantered with my target, and I’ve DHVed to the group and their response is positive, I take those as IOIs enough. I cut to qualification right away. I DON’T wait. Otherwise I’ve gotten stuck in DHV land. Not a good place to be.
Whenever I qualify, I always feel this lovely shift in the conversation. It gets deeper. A connection is happening. Qualification is the perfect bridge to creating an emotional connection with her.
Okay, here’s what you can do right now.
1. Pick ONE qualifier you like a lot. Only one. You don’t want a lot swimming in your head. That gets confusing and it paralyzes you. Just pick ONE. Either from the ones I listed here, or from “My Routines Collection.”
2. Memorize it and practice it in the mirror. Now you’ve got it in your back pocket ready to go.
3. Create a stack or script. This stack should include: an opener, a neg/banter line, a DHV, your qualifier, and a statement of interest like “Are you single?”
4. Practice your stack on 10 sets in one night. You don’t have to wait to get interest from a girl to qualify her. You can do it right after you neg/banter and DHV.
5. Once that qualifier feels like it’s in your bones, you can learn a new qualifier. And repeat the process.
Now, you know. Next time you get any interest from a girl… or you don’t know what to do next… QUALIFY HER!
Your success rate will skyrocket. Guaranteed.
Remember, game’s not over when you get a look like this from her. Keep up the challenge: QUALIFY HER. Then appreciate her afterwards. She’ll want to get to know you better, too.
This is one of my favorite discoveries by Mystery.
He discovered there are 5 attraction switches in the female mind. And he discovered that any man who systematically triggers these switches over and over again will get some serious indicators of interest from a woman.
If you’re anything like me, I always used to think looks and being nice was what attracted women. Because looks attract me, and who wants someone who’s mean? I’m not a tall guy, and I found even if I was the nicest guy in the world to a woman, it didn’t attract her.
So, I kinda resigned myself to the fact that I’d never be attractive to women. I mean if you listen to women, one of the things they always say they want in a man is height. And although they say they like a nice guy, they always seemed to end up with the “bad boys.”
Happily I found out from my pickup journey that it’s not about looks or being a “bad boy” that attract women. It’s PERSONALITY. More specifically, a MASCULINE personality.
Height and the “bad boy” thing are just surface symptoms of something deeper that’s going on.
It’s not those things per se that attracts women. It’s the feeling she gets from the height difference, and the feeling she gets with a bad boy. Namely, she’s a woman, and he’s the man.
Well, there are other ways to create that feeling inside a woman without having to be tall or without having to be a bad boy or without being rich.
Enter the 5 attraction switches.
They’re 5 aspects of a masculine personality that make a woman feel like she’s with a man. Even if you’re not tall or the best looking guy or superrich or whatever, if you’ve got these 5 traits, you’ll turn her on… and on a PRIMAL level. They can’t help but feel attraction.
Before I get into the 5 switches, I wanna bring home an important point about all this.
Okay, so after you open a set, the objective is to systematically trigger these attraction switches. This is done through DHVs or “Demonstrations of Higher Value.” Cool.
But the point I wanna make is DHVs aren’t so much “demonstrations.” They’re “embodiments” of these 5 switches. Don’t stop triggering these switches in the attract phase. It continues in comfort, in seduction, and after you have sex with her… forever.
In other words, don’t just demonstrate these traits. BE these traits. Don’t just try to get a beautiful woman. BE a man of higher value that NATURALLY attracts the most beautiful women in your life.
So much about the “demonstration” part of DHV. Let’s real quickly look at the “value” part.
Value doesn’t refer to some esoteric, abstract thing. It’s very specific. It’s survivor value that a woman can USE.
Let me back up.
In evolutionary theory, there’s this idea that we humans want to survive, but also we want to replicate our genes to keep our species alive. At base we humans want two basic things: to survive and to replicate.
Men seem to be attracted to replication value, such as youth, waist-to-hip ratio, and all that.
They’re signs of fertility and health.
Women seem to be attracted to survival value, such as high social status, leadership, wealth of resources. They want a man who can protect and take care of her.
So, the 5 attraction switches revolve around this one theme. Being a “survivor.” The reason this “value” is valuable is because it’s a benefit to her. You’re someone who can take care of her and protect her. There’s a primal, feminine use in it for her.
Trigger these switches and you trigger a primal urge in her to have a masculine man in her life. Her biological, physical, feminine self can’t help but WANT to “merge” and “reproduce” with this man of a man.
What I’m trying to say is, don’t make DHV about me, me, me or showing off or bragging about how awesome you are.
Make the 5 triggers things to embody FOR REAL, and make DHV about how you benefit her. Don’t be a “getter,” be a “giver.” Don’t try to “get” her replication value from her for your gain. Be someone with a lot of survivor value that’d she want to get for herself. This puts the desire in her for you.
That’s what I’m talkin’ bout.
I wanted to make that point because when I first started off, I used to think DHV was about me and showing off. Just the opposite. It’s about honest-to-God becoming a better man, which benefits others.
Phew. Now that I’ve got that out of the way, let’s talk about these switches.
The first switch is “Preselection.”
All this means is you’re attractive to other women. She’ll instantly feel a pang of curious attraction for you if she sees this. You have value for other women, so you must have value for her. All happening on the subconscious level.
How to demonstrate this?
Have women around you is the easiest way to trigger this switch. If you don’t have girls to roll with, be talking to everyone in the bar or lounge. Meet girls there. Women see this, and they want to be where the excitement is. You can also convey preselection by mentioning your past girlfriends, or joking about how many women are clamoring for you or by sharing you have knowledge of women.
The second switch is “The Leader of Men.”
A lot of guys think it’s impossible to approach a woman with guys in the group. It’s not impossible. It can actually be to your advantage.
You can lead men by telling them stories, showing respect to them, getting along with them. If they start acting like a dick, handle them with class and respect. You’re leading them. That’s attractive.
The third switch is “Protector of Loved Ones.”
Loved ones include parents, siblings, friends, girlfriends. How much do you care for them? Has there ever been a time when they were in danger and you were there to help them or protect them?
Show her that her life would be improved if she built an alignment with you. You can convey this in small gestures like pulling out a chair for her, opening a door for her, giving her your coat if she gets cold, helping an old lady cross the street, showing kindness to the waiter, standing up for yourself or for her.
The fourth switch is “Willingness to Emote.”
When you open a set, systematically demonstrate your emotional state. For example, smile when you approach. When you speak, speak expressively and with enthusiasm. Have a demeanor like you’re celebrating like it’s the end of Ocean’s Eleven: “I need nothing from you. I’m just enjoying myself. Who are you? And that’s special because?”
Be lit up from the inside, passionate, enthusiastic. They’ll feel that. Also, playing an instrument for them, singing for them, sharing a touching story are ways to make her feel. Women are emotional.
Wonderful, positive emotions attract them like bees to honey.
The fifth switch is “Successful Risk Taker.”
You don’t have to be a millionaire to attract women. But you do want to show women you at least have direction in your life. You’re going somewhere. And you live life on the edge, challenging yourself to take the risks to get there. That’s attractive.
Sharing your goals, dreams, and passions is one way to convey this. Also, we all have success stories from our past. Sharing these stories about how you overcame odds puts you in a positive light and builds feelings of attraction in her for you.
Of the five switches, the most important to trigger IN FIELD, like in a bar or other public gathering, is “Preselection.” It’s the equivalent of a big pair of tits for us.
When you’re first starting out, get good at triggering these 5 attraction switches for at least 25 minutes. 25 minutes because that’s the time frame from opening a group to C1 or building comfort with her.
At first, incorporate these DHV “spikes” or triggers into the stories you tell and in your behavior. But if you’re going to tell stories, tell them to the group, not to your target. That way it shows you’re not after her. At first, if you do say anything to her, neg her or banter with her. This creates sexual tension.
When you’re in comfort with her, obviously continue to incorporate these traits into your stories and behavior. It doesn’t ever stop. One difference between the attract and comfort phase is let HER talk. Entice her to DHV to you, and listen to what she has to say. Connect. But still sprinkle in some banter and be a bit of a challenge. She doesn’t “have” you yet.
Get good at a 25 minute act where the character you play is the best version of you. Soon this will be how you walk through the world. And every woman WILL want you. This isn’t some pretend thing. This isn’t something you do in a bar just to attract women.
Like I said at the beginning of all this, this is about becoming these traits so they naturally come across without you even having to think about it. Build a life FOR REAL worthy to bring beautiful women into.
Here’s what you can do RIGHT NOW.
Step One: Answer this super-important question. What’s your passion in life? What lights you up inside? What’s something that you could do for hours? What’s your deepest gift? What were you put in this world for? Okay, that was five. I know. But they’re different ways of asking the same question. The answer might not come to you right away. But dwell on the question of your purpose. The answer will eventually come.
Step Two: When your answer comes, which usually comes in the form of a feeling, listen to it. And start doing it RIGHT AWAY. Every day spend at least an hour to make your purpose a reality. Make this hour a priority each day.
Step Three: Next time you’re in set, share your passion with everyone. And ask them what their passion is. THAT is a DHV… as well as a qualifier.
Other things you can do right now:
1. Before you open a set, talk to EVERYONE. Say “how’s your night going” to the bouncer, the bartender, and to the first people you see. This is the practice of “Preselection” and “Leader of Men.”
2. Smile on your approach. In fact, practice smiling to at least three strangers a day. This is the practice of “Willingness to emote.” If you want to take this step further, learn a musical instrument. And select one DHV story, feel the emotion in the story, and practice telling it with expression.
3. Mention a girlfriend or ex-girlfriend or a banter about having lots of girlfriends at least once while you’re in set. This is the practice of “Preselection.”
4. Each day, do at least one good deed for a friend, family member or whoever else. Help someone with their homework, take out the trash for your mother, if you’ve got a girl in your life open the car door for her. This is the practice of “Protector of Loved Ones.”
By far the most important thing you can do RIGHT NOW is to figure out your purpose in life. So much of our masculinity is wrapped up in having direction, giving our light to the world, and taking the necessary risks to make it happen.
As always, more important than “getting” women is serving a higher purpose than yourself. Everything else will fall into place.