But to be a strong man, we’ve got to be decisive. For example, if you tell to a woman: “You decide,” she won’t feel like you’re protecting her.
Here’s the toughest thing about making decisions.
Sometimes you’ll make decisions people won’t like. They’ll call you stupid or get angry with you. So, we become afraid to make the wrong decision. To screw up.
I’d say this, though. It’s better to make a bad decision than to make no decision. I used to think if I avoided making a decision then I couldn’t be blamed for making a bad decision. Then I realized there were still consequences of making no decision at all.
How do you know if you’ll make the right decision?
You won’t, but get as much info as you can. And trust your judgment. It’s impossible to ever know if it’s the “perfect” decision. Just do the best you can do based on the info you have. If it’s the wrong decision? Oh well. Now you know. Learn from it.
Here’s the other thing. I’ve been in relationships with women who pressured me to do the wrong thing. My gut was telling me it was the wrong thing, but I did it anyway, just to please her. Please don’t do this. Please. Do what you know in your gut is right. Even if it doesn’t “please” her.
I’m not saying don’t listen to her. Yes, listen to her. She might give you good feedback. Understand where she’s coming from. If it’s good feedback, by all means use it. Sometimes she’ll make you aware of things you hadn’t thought of. Cool. Compromise.
But if it’s something against what you KNOW to be true, throw it out. Do what’s right. Don’t make a decision just to please everyone else. You’ll end up getting tossed by the wind. You want to be a rock, instead.
Be the rock haha
So, guide your decisions based on your values. That conviction gives you confidence in your decisions. And makes you more resilient to criticism.
Hey, and if the decision turns out to be the wrong one, fine. Take responsibility for it. You’re human. Owning up to mistakes is actually a sign of strength. Never deny or try to blame someone else or the circumstances for your mistakes. Own up to it.
So, the biggest thing I’ve learned about being more decisive is this. It’s okay to make mistakes. Just decide. If it’s the wrong decision, learn from it.
We respect people who have the confidence to take charge. We don’t admire people who stand back like a wussy boy. Have the balls. And decide.
Here’s some stuff I’ve used to help me become more decisive:
1. Next time you’re out with friends and no one knows where to go to eat, say “we’ll go here.” Lots of times people are just looking for a leader. Step into that role.
2. With your woman, instead of putting the responsibility of deciding where to eat on her, pick YOUR favorite place to go. What your gut says. Say: “We’re going here.” If she criticizes you, or puts you down for it, she doesn’t have to come along. And if it does suck, oh well. Now you know not to go there. And really, when you think about it, you can make any place fun, right?
3. When you’re by yourself and you have to make a decision, listen to your gut. Socrates used to call this his “inner voice.” And he said it never steered him wrong. Listen to it. Check it against your reason and the facts. Then go back to your gut. Make the decision to the best of your ability, and go with it 100%. No looking back.
I got this “aha” moment about letting go of the fear of making the wrong decision from Elliot Katz in his book “Being The Strong Man A Woman Wants.”
High recommended, by the way. So, I wanted to share it with you.
Decisiveness sharpens your masculinity. And, of course, makes you more attractive to women. Can’t complain about that.
Qualification is so important it’s not even funny.
Tell me if you’ve ever been in this situation. You’ve got a girl giggling, she’s facing you, and she’s touching your arm. She’s attracted to you. And you’re panicked.
WHAT DO I DO NOW?
I’ll tell you what I’ve done in the past.
Self-conscious. “Holy shit, she’s actually attracted to me? But I’m not really that attractive. What if I screw things up?” All of a sudden I’d feel my body getting all stilted and unnatural, and guess what? She’d lose interest in me. And I’d kick myself in the ass for being such a loser.
PSYCHED! “She likes me? Nice! Might as well show my interest in her, too.” And I’d say something like “I like you a lot, too. Let’s get together.” She’d STILL lose interest in me. And I’d be scratching my head. What did I do wrong this time?
Well, I’ll tell you what went wrong. I stopped being any sort of a challenge. When in doubt, if you’ve ever got a girl’s interest… or you’ve been doing good and don’t know what to do next, here’s what to do:
Once again, it was Mystery that I learned this all-important piece of wisdom from.
Here’s the reason.
Women get attracted differently than we do. They’re attracted more to PERSONALITY. We’re attracted more to looks. As long as a woman is hot enough, she might do something silly, whatever, we’d still want to sleep with her.
Not so with women.
If you make some social goof-up, let’s say you wear white socks with black shoes, often she’ll lose attraction for you. She’ll be like “what’s wrong with him?” Or, “what’s that say about him?” Or, “God, he must have really low social status.” Looks aren’t #1 for them like they are for us.
So, let’s say you’ve attracted her by being a bit of a challenge. For God’s sakes, don’t stop! Keep being a bit of a challenge. How?
The reason goes even deeper than that.
Attraction is a two way street. You’ve worked to attract her. Well, your job is only half done. Now, she’s got to work to attract YOU.
Let her do some of the work.
Showing your interest in her because she’s showing interest in you is NOT a legitimate reason for you to be interested in her, according to her.
Because it took absolutely ZERO effort on her part to get you. She’ll be like, “Well, that was easy. NEXT!” She wants to actually DO something personality-wise to EARN your attraction to her.
Well, qualification is the way.
It’s actually beautiful when you think about it. The second and third stages of the attract phase are very much brother and sister to each other. They’re mirror images.
First, I’ve got to get the woman attracted to me. Second, I’ve got to reveal I’m becoming more and more attracted to her for LEGITIMATE reasons.
Let me say that another way.
Mystery calls A2, when I get the woman attracted to me, “female to male attract.” The objective is to systematically trigger her 5 attraction switches by DHVing to her group of friends and negging, ie pushing away the target and pulling her in at the same time. The group is like “This guy is cool, funny, interesting.” And the girl is like “have my hot looks lost their super powers?”
Again, you’re a fun, interesting guy with cool topics of conversation. You’re full of good feelings, and… “wait a second,” your target says, “he’s giving me a little shit instead of being up my asshole? This is different.” Play A2 right, and she’ll show indicators of interest to you like asking your name, giggling, and all that great stuff.
It’s SUPER exciting when that happens. Belieeeeeeve me, I know. But my point is, stay cool.
All that good stuff begins A3. A3 is when the woman tries to get me attracted to her. Mystery calls it “male to female attract.” The objective is for you to encourage her… ENTICE her… to bring out the best in her, in such a way that when she DHVs to you, you can then reward her with indicators of interest of your own.
A2 and A3 are exact, perfect opposites. Attraction is a two way street. You DHV first. When she shows her attraction, get her to DHV to you. That way there’s mutual attraction based on SUBSTANCE. She’s earned your interest. It’s not because she’s interested in you.
After all, if you’re interested in her just because she’s interested in you, you leave yourself open to getting manipulated. She might think, “Oh, I see how this all works. If I act all interested in him, I’ve got him wrapped around my finger. I wonder how much I can get away with now.” Nooooooooo!
Even if she shows interest, still be a challenge. QUALIFY HER!
Getting sex from this unbelievably, incredibly hot woman must NOT be #1. You’ve got standards. Who is she as a person? She’s gotta earn your interest based on whether she’s got good substance or not. She’s gotta pass YOUR tests.
That way she’s not just being handed a fish (i.e. your interest in her) for free, but she’s WORKED to reel it in. She’s earned your interest. She’ll value it more that way. People simply don’t value free shit.
There’s an even deeper reason to qualify. And I learned this from a fantastic book called “Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants,” by Elliott Katz. Highly recommended.
Katz observed that we human beings tend to love the people we give to, more than love the people we receive from.
The more you give, for example the more you DHV, DHV, DHV, the more your interest in your target grows. But not necessarily does her interest grow for you. You get more and more invested. But not necessarily does she get more invested.
Well, it’s the exact same thing the other way around. If she can DHV, DHV, DHV to you, the more her interest in you grows. And the more she gets invested.
Sit back and let her DHV for you. And of course, appreciate her afterwards.
The giving has gotta be mutual.
You can see this with parents. They give and give to their children. But if the children don’t give back, they’ll often resent their parents, take them for granted, or get really spoiled.
And how many times have you seen guys give and give to their woman, pay for all the things she wanted… and wonder why she’s still unhappy?
We guys want to be givers and providers. Believe me, I understand. I’m the same way.
But we’ve got to learn how to let her give to us, too. Not so that we can become takers. But to let her feelings of love grow for us.
And the really gorgeous thing is when she does something for me, I can then show appreciation to her. It ain’t gonna be bullshit appreciation. That’s for sure. Cause she’s actually done something. It’s gonna be SINCERE appreciation.
It’s such an important point, and one I’ve got to remember myself.
Recently, I left my girl a rose and a card while she was sleeping. She’s incredible, and I wanted her to know how much I appreciated her. She woke up the next morning and wrote me this lovely note in return. I was taken aback at first. It reminded me how important it is not just to give, but to receive, too.
So, qualification extends into relationships, too.
It’s okay to ask her to do stuff for you. It’s okay if she buys you a drink. It’s okay if she drives to your place. It’s okay to have her help you with your passion and life’s deepest purpose in some way. It’s okay to tell her to suck your dick.
As long as you give too, there’s nothing wrong with telling her what to do so she can give to you. In fact, make sure to do this. Her doing shit for you increases her attraction for you.
It’s weird how that works, right?
Once again, it’s NOT the more I give to a person, the more they’ll love me. It’s the other way around. We develop feelings of love to the one we’re giving to.
So, even if a girl doesn’t like a guy, just by doing things for him, good feelings towards him will grow. “I must really like this guy,” she might say. She’s investing, she’s gotta backwards rationalize it someway.
A2 is all about you giving. A3 is about receiving. Or, letting her give to you. Once she does, THEN you can state your interest and show appreciation. And now, it’s safe to hit on her.
Qualification is really the art of the compliment.
Moral of all this? Next time she shows interest in you, QUALIFY HER! Like her for LEGITIMATE reasons.
She works. She comes to you. Now you can show interest. Magically, her interest in you will grow, too.
Here’s some qualifiers you can use.
“Name me three qualities that would make me want to get to know you more than just a hole in the wall.”
“What have you got going for you besides your looks?”
“Look around you, beauty is common. But what’s more important is a positive outlook, a desire to always grow as a person, and integrity. What are some things about you that would make me want to get to know you better?”
“If you could do anything in the world with no chance of failure, what would you want to be? And don’t say princess.”
“Are you adventurous?”
“Are you a passionate person?”
“Can you cook?”
“Who are you?”
Once she says something of interest you can be like, “No WAY! That’s awesome.”
Make her feel like you like her for legitimate reasons.
Here’s some simple ones.
“What’s your favorite incense?… Oh I love Jasmine!”
“What’s your favorite food?”
“What’s your favorite place to visit? Or, if you you could wake up anywhere in the world, where would it be?”
“What DVD would you pop in to have as comfort food for when you’re feeling down?”
“If I were to turn on your iPod, what song would I find playing right now? You listen to Tool? I love Tool. Get your ass over here. *Hug* Now get off me. *Release*”
And notice these questions aren’t philosophical or intellectual. The simple ones are tangible, not abstract. But all of em are EMOTIONAL. Keep it emotional. Get her FEELING what you’re feeling. Enthusiasm. Excitement. Interest.
After you qualify, and she’s said something of interest… NOW you can show your interest.
“Are you single?”
“Wow, you’re pretty cool. We should continue this.”
“Oh, I like this one!”
“Oh my God, you’re a dancer? That is so awesome. I can’t even talk to you right now.”
“You know what? You seem pretty cool. I’m curious about you.”
“We have to hang out again sometime!”
“That’s it, we’re getting married. We’ll fly to Vegas tomorrow. I’ll dress you up as Catwoman, and I’ll be Batman. It’ll be awesome.”
“You have a great energy and such an expressive personality. I admire that.”
Notice these statements have NOTHING to do with her looks. They’re about her personality. Compliment her looks when you get to the bedroom. Before then, focus on her qualities as a human being.
Anyway, all those statements above are called an “SOI” or Statement of Interest. It closes A3 and the attract phase. And it automatically moves you into comfort.
I just want to add one point to all this.
Mystery normally recommends waiting to receive three IOIs (indicators of interest) before qualifying.
If I know I’ve negged or bantered with my target, and I’ve DHVed to the group and their response is positive, I take those as IOIs enough. I cut to qualification right away. I DON’T wait. Otherwise I’ve gotten stuck in DHV land. Not a good place to be.
Whenever I qualify, I always feel this lovely shift in the conversation. It gets deeper. A connection is happening. Qualification is the perfect bridge to creating an emotional connection with her.
Okay, here’s what you can do right now.
1. Pick ONE qualifier you like a lot. Only one. You don’t want a lot swimming in your head. That gets confusing and it paralyzes you. Just pick ONE. Either from the ones I listed here, or from “My Routines Collection.”
2. Memorize it and practice it in the mirror. Now you’ve got it in your back pocket ready to go.
3. Create a stack or script. This stack should include: an opener, a neg/banter line, a DHV, your qualifier, and a statement of interest like “Are you single?”
4. Practice your stack on 10 sets in one night. You don’t have to wait to get interest from a girl to qualify her. You can do it right after you neg/banter and DHV.
5. Once that qualifier feels like it’s in your bones, you can learn a new qualifier. And repeat the process.
Now, you know. Next time you get any interest from a girl… or you don’t know what to do next… QUALIFY HER!
Your success rate will skyrocket. Guaranteed.
Remember, game’s not over when you get a look like this from her. Keep up the challenge: QUALIFY HER. Then appreciate her afterwards. She’ll want to get to know you better, too.