Tag Archives: Approaching women

Approach Anxiety and The Bullshit of Evolutionary Psychology

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Evolutionary psychology.

AHAHAHAHAAHA!

Yet the pickup community LOVES it. Holy moly. It’s like their religion.

Listen to how they use it to explain approach anxiety.

Once upon a time, long, long ago, our ancestors used to live in caves and in small communities. If you approached a woman back then and it went badly, you were ostracized. A gene for approach anxiety was created in the body of all men. That’s why today we experience approach anxiety, even though we no longer live in caves or small communities. The End.

Does anyone else see what a load of CRAP this is?

First of all, the first humans originated in the open air and deserts of Africa, not in caves.

The first humans weren’t in caves. Photo Credit: worldofweirdthings.com

But even that’s not 100% fact. Just speculation based on where bones have been found and on genetic deduction.

Second, which ancestors? Australopithecus afarensis? Homo habilis? Homo erectus? Homo heidelbergensis?

Let me pause here and say there is evidence the first homo sapien population was riskily (if that’s a word) small.

One theory says our population may have fallen as low as 10,000 people because of drought, famine, and epidemics. The theory is based on how little diversity we have in our genes compared to our nearest cousins, the primates.

Based on genetic deduction, apparently our gene pool had shrank so low that when our species expanded again, all descendants carried copies of the same limited amount of genes. That’s why they say we may have descended from a founding population of only 50 people.

I love this idea, even if it’s speculation. It shows how all of us humans have so much more IN COMMON than we have differences. That smokin’ hot woman over there? Part of our close-knit family of humanity. Nice.

And it’s also true that the population of modern humans living on this planet boggles.

But to say all men now carry a gene for approach anxiety as a result?

HAHAHAHA!

Don’t make me laugh.

That leads to the third thing.

Third, it’s IMPOSSIBLE to have a gene for approach anxiety.

Why?

Genes are simply a long sequence of nucleotides.

I’m about to geek out on you here, so watch out.

There are only four nucleotides, identified by the letters A, T, C, and G. There are thousands, sometimes tens of thousands of nucleotides in a gene and in a particular order: AATCCGGCATT and so on. I got this all from Harvard geneticist R.C. Lewontin (p. 46-50 of “Biology as Ideology”).

The long sequence serves two functions.

First, it’s a BLUEPRINT. Other long molecules copy the original sequence of A’s, T’s, C’s, and G’s. These molecules are the amino acids of a protein. They in turn make up our cells, tissues, enzymes, hormones.

A fascinating view of genes. Photo Credit: virtualmedicalcentre.com

Cool, right?

Second, genes turn on and off the production of proteins. For example, if a lactose enters the body, the gene will turn on the production of a certain protein to break down the lactose and use it as a source of energy.

Therefore, GENES ARE JUST A BLUEPRINT THAT ALLOW THE BODY TO MANUFACTURE PROTEIN!

That’s it.

So where the HELL is approach anxiety to be found?

Or the gene for alcoholism, artistic talent, homosexuality, “being good with women,” or whatever vice or virtue people try to imagine there’s a gene for?

Fourth, let’s say there was a gene for approach anxiety. There’s not, but let’s just imagine for shits and giggles.

Can you explain to me how we would ever be able to get over the anxiety? Wouldn’t that mean that we’re then determined forever and ever to have approach anxiety? Does that mean CHOICE or environment or practice or has no role anymore in shaping our destiny?

I mean, entire CULTURES of people lack approach anxiety, so how could ALL men have a gene for approach anxiety?

Example.

I live in the beautiful state of Maine in the northeast, so not the best example. Granted. Here, people have a reputation for keeping to themselves (even though not everyone here is like that).

But people from the Midwest have told me that people there tend to be far friendlier and outgoing and have less problem approaching strangers.

The same thing goes for Cuban culture. My father, who’s visited twice, used to tell me stories about how he had trouble getting to his destination on time because Cubans would approach him on his walk and stop him just to strike up a friendly conversation. Strangers aren’t “strangers” to Cubans, but friends first.

Cubans. Photo Credit: lacertilia.com

Fifth, if our ancestors lived in such small tribes, why would they have the need to approach a woman? If you live in a small enough community, wouldn’t everyone pretty much know each other already? And didn’t many of these small tribes have arranged marriages?

The whole approach anxiety thing comes from the fact you’re approaching a complete STRANGER to “court” but who might reject you. That happens in a large environment with lots of strangers and with no such thing as arranged marriages. Namely, OUR modern, industrialized culture in the West.

I’m almost done with my rant. One more thing.

The problem with evolutionary psychology is none of us were there 200,000 years ago (approximate date of earliest Homo sapiens in Africa). So talking about it like it’s the cause of our problems today must forever be called bullshit.

Worse, if we’re not careful, we’ll project our modern prejudices into biology, and pass it off as science. What I mean is, if there’s a gene for approach anxiety, there can also be a gene for warfare, sexual inequality, racism, class, and capitalist greed. These are cultural prejudices, NOT biological facts.

Personally, evolutionary psychology had never helped me understand my own approach anxiety on any meaningful level.

Okay, I’m done.

So, why is approaching women so hard?

Well, she doesn’t know you yet. As a result, she often (not always) has a “guard” up. It’s VERY intimidating.

Solution?

Banter. Give her some appreciation. Tell her who you are and why you’re talking to her. Then, ask about her.

Congrats. You’ve broken through her shield.

The more prepared I was BEFORE the approach, and the more I PRACTICED approaching, the more I mastered the anxiety.

End of story.

In Bars and Clubs, The Key to Picking Up Hot Chicks is Not Picking Them Up

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Bars and clubs… where the hottest chicks go. How do you approach them in this most intimidating environment? Answer: Don’t approach ONLY hot chicks.

Let me ask you something. What’s the “3-second rule”?

Easy, right? When you see a hot girl, approach her within 3 seconds.

That’s true, and accurate.

But there’s a deeper meaning. Approach THE FIRST SET (group of people) YOU SEE within 3 seconds, regardless if there’s hot chicks in it or not.

Here’s a story from my own experience that demonstrates this.

Back when I first started learning pickup, one night I went to a loud dance club to practice.

Oh, and by the way, don’t do what I did and practice at night clubs. Practice in lounges and bars where you can actually hear yourself speak. Club game takes a whole different set of skills.

Anyway, big surprise, I wasn’t getting any interest from chicks. One girl outright said, “I’m not interested.”

I was so discouraged. I couldn’t figure out what I did. The entire following week I wracked my brain trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. It wasn’t until I sought out info from wiser guys than me that I finally figured out what happened.

I was only approaching good-looking women.

I didn’t talk to the bouncer, the bartender, any of the guys or unattractive women. As a result, I was probably coming across as on the prowl.

Worse, by the time I approached a hot chick, I was in such a “watching” mind-set (not a “talkative” one) that the approach felt forced. She probably felt a distinct “this guy is hitting on me” feeling.

No wonder I was striking out.

So, the next night I went out to a bar (that had a club attached) and I did the opposite.

To the bartender I said, “Hey, how’s your night going?”

To the bouncer I made sure to give a solid “What’s going on? Have a great night.”

I spoke to guys—who I found to be really cool and a lot easier to start a conversation with than women for some reason.

I spoke to unattractive girls.

EVERYONE.

When I went into the dance club, I didn’t stand on the sidelines to watch. I got on the dance floor and danced. Side note: I found you don’t have to be John Travolta on the dance floor. All you gotta do is move to the rhythm, and smile. And don’t grind on the girls.

When I returned to the bar I felt this incredible surge of confidence. I felt like I owned the place.

Opening hot chicks was now natural and easy. They were just another group of people in the club—no one special. And amazingly they opened up like flowers in sunshine. haha

This taught me, hands down, that the approach begins BEFORE you approach. It begins with how you feel, with your mind-state.

If your mind-state is anxious, people will feel this and be resistant.  If your mind-state is joyful, people will feel this and want to talk with you. How you feel inside ain’t separate from the approach. It’s the secret to it.

That night I number-closed two gorgeous women. One of them asked for my number because she wanted to demonstrate her blow-job skills on me. Um, let me think about that…okay.

The key to picking up chicks isn’t talking only to the hot chicks but talking to EVERYONE. Everyone.  Don’t discriminate. See a group, 3-seconds later you’re talking to them. Doesn’t have to be a long-ass conversation, a “hey, how’s your night going” does wonders.

This can even be practiced outside the club in everyday life, smiling at people, saying hi, making the cashier smile, or whatever.

Anyway, in a bar, I found people actually want to talk with you. It’s a social environment for God’s sakes! But a lot of time people are shy to break the “stranger” barrier, so they’re psyched when you have the balls to do it.

BONUS: when women see all this, they feel a lot safer when you approach them. They see you’re not after them, on the prowl. They see you’re just friendly, people like you, and that you can even get along with other guys. That’s attractive to women. Women are social value seekers, so when you talk to everyone it shows you have social value to offer them.

ANOTHER BONUS: You get in a talkative mood, and you feel like you can talk to anyone.

And check this out. When you do approach the hot chicks it doesn’t have to be fancy. You can say a quick little thing, make them laugh, and walk away. When you see them again, they feel like you’re not a stranger anymore and they’ll open right up.  You’re not a predator trying to get something from them. You’re just outgoing and fun.

Aaaaaand, you’ll look COMPLETELY different from every other guy in there, who’s just standing there gawking at the women.

But let me clarify this super-important point. You’re friendly not just in order to impress chicks and pick them up, but because it’s a blast to meet new, cool people and build a social network. It just so happens that in the process, you’ve also created attraction in women, even before you approached.

The gorgeous Olivia Palermo

 

 

 

 

Creating Attraction: A Jolt of David DeAngelo

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Quick Review of David DeAngelo.

Great passage. Page 10 – 11 in Double Your Dating:

“Females select males most of the time in nature…

“Sooooooo… when talking to women… point out that you are the selector and not the selectee… It points out something to the woman that she’s most likely NEVER HEARD FROM A MAN IN HER ENTIRE LIFE.”

It’s such a simple, but profound insight in how to create attraction in women.

Later in the book David DeAngelo also says:

“(Helitzer) said (in “Comedy Writing Secrets”) that most of being funny is the CHARACTER and not the jokes.

“The lines didn’t much matter, as long as they fit in with the character. Now that I have created this CHARACTER for myself, things are all different. Women now call me. They pursue me. They want to be around me. It’s strange and magical and weird.”

(page 52)

PLAY the CHARACTER of THE SELECTOR, even if it’s a joke. She’ll be laughing (always good) while you’ve created this implicit dichotomy between you and her. You’re pretending to be the higher-than-her male. Even if it’s just pretend, she’s still accepted the she’s-chasing-you role, which sparks attraction in her (without her realizing it). You’re just playing like you’re a kid again in a sandbox, but spicing in these masculine, sexual-selector undertones.

Re-reading this always gives me a jolt, so I want to share it with you all, too.

How to Practice Pickup

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To get better with women, you gotta approach women. It’s the only way to success with women.

What’s that you say? Some men are above that?

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh, you’re serious.

Well, lemme tell ya. NO man is born being great at women. The whole concept of some guys just born naturally good with women? Bullshit. B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T. Buuuuuullshit. EVERYONE has to learn it.

Hanging out with guys who are good with women helps. But the BEST way to learn is going out there and approaching women.

Let me say this again, but in a different way, cause it’s important.

Your best teacher ain’t books or blogs like this one. They might kinda take the place of learning from a guy who’s decent with women. I mean, seeing a guy who’s good with women IN ACTION is better. But your best teacher isn’t even that.

It’s actually getting out there approaching women.

It’s scary. I’ll give you that. Even the guys who are the best with women… man, I don’t think anyone starts out totally comfortable talking to strangers. It’s uncomfortable. But to become an attractive man, that’s what you gotta do. Get good at talking with strangers.

But how?

I’ll give you two plans right here, and right now.

The first plan is a warm up, before going into bars and clubs. In fact, in the first plan, you’re not allowed to go into clubs or bars at all to pick up chicks.

The second plan you will go into bars and clubs. But the objective still isn’t to pick up chicks. It’s just to get a skill. Getting women attracted along the way will just be a cool by product. Haha

Before I give you the two plans, let me give credit where credit is due. Plan #1 comes from Lance Mason’s Pick 101 and Plan #2 is based on Mystery’s Newbie Drill. And they both work like gangbusters.

PLAN #1

STEP #1. Take a 15-30 minute walk everyday for 30 days. Rain or shine, EVERY DAY. Find a park, a street with shops on it, a mall, anywhere that people can be found.

STEP #2. Smile. Smile at everyone. I know it might feel weird at first, but the idea is to practice being friendly. When you see a woman of particular beauty, looking her in the eye and smiling will be a natural.

STEP #3. Say “Hello” to at least one person. It does NOT matter if they say “Hello” back or even look up. Who cares if you get a reaction? Your objective isn’t a reaction. Your objective is simply to be friendly. If they can’t be friendly back, that’s their problem, not yours.

STEP #4. The first woman you see on your walk, stop her to talk. Extend the conversation past hello. You can say something as simple as “Beautiful day.”

Once you say that, you can vamoose. No need to say anything else. Feel free to stay and talk, if things are going great.

STEP #5. Keep a checklist each day. Make a list numbered 1 – 30. Make three columns named: “30 min walk,” “Hello,” and “Conversation.” Check one box if you took a walk, one box if you greeted one person with a “hello,” and one box for stopping a woman and talking with her. If you want, you can just download this tracker I made for you. Plan #1 Tracker

Give yourself a HUGE pat on the back when you’ve got three checks. That’s awesome. Ever notice how we like to be hard on ourselves, forgetting to look at the GOOD we’ve done? Celebrating your victories, however small, creates this positive feedback loop that puts you on the path to success.

Again, don’t worry about impressing anyone. Just 1) smile, 2) be friendly, 3) get comfortable talking with strangers. That’s it. It’s even okay to say something as “boring” as:

“How’s your day going?”

You’re not trying to create attraction. You’re just being open, friendly, and kind to everyone. If a girl has something to do that prevents her from talking, that’s totally cool. Wish her a good day and move on.

What you’ll find–surprise surprise–is people are actually pretty friendly. As Lance once pointed out, even shy people want contact with each other. And most people are polite enough to engage in conversations. Women don’t want to be rude to you, especially if you are genuinely friendly, genuinely good-intentioned, and not trying to trick her.

Do this drill for 30 days. Once you reach the end of your thirty days, you’ll find you’ve just established yourself a great habit, that might just change your life for the better.

You’re ready for plan #2.

PLAN #2

page12image4368

Once you are comfortable talking to strangers and women, add attraction to the mix. The #1 tool for attraction is BANTER, or what Mystery calls NEGS. Here’s the plan.

STEP #1: Create a stack (a script) that includes 1 Banter line/neg, 1 DHV (a conversation starter), and 1 Qualifier (a question). Go over the stack 5x to get it into your memory.

STEP #2: Practice this stack in the mirror 5x to get your body language good.

STEP #3: Pick 4 nights a week to go out on. Commit to going out on those nights NO MATTER WHAT for at least 90 days. This is like an exercise program.

STEP #4: Make 10 approaches each night using your stack. The first 3 approaches are just warm-ups to get you into a talkative mood. If you don’t get through your stack, it’s okay. An approach can be as simple as “Hey.”

STEP #5: When you get home, keep track of your approaches. What will differentiate a great pickup artist from a good one is the action of keeping track. It helps you to reflect and it keeps you on track.

Here’s how to make a tracker for Plan #2: (If you want you can just download this tracker I made for you, too. Plan #2 Tracker pdf

Make a list and number it 1 – 40. These will be your approaches for one week. Make sure to date the week.

Make seven columns named: “Venue,” “Set,” “Neg,” “DHV,” “Qualify,” “Result,” & “Notes.”

Under “venue,” record where you made your approach.

Under “set” record how many people were in the group you had approached, even if it’s only 1.

Under “Neg,” “DHV,” and “Qualify” check these off if you did them in your set. If things didn’t go well, chances are you didn’t do one of these things.

For “Result,” make yourself a key. Credit goes to Brad P for this. For example, “B” = blowout, “>5” = if the conversation lasted under 5 minutes, and “<5” = if it lasted more than 5 minutes. You can also add stuff like “#” for number close (best way for a # close is simply to say: “You seem really cool. Are you single?”), “K” for kiss close, and so on. Under “Result” keep track of your results.

Under “Notes” jot down any notes, like stuff that went good or stuff you need to improve on. Recognize the mistakes and know what to do better next time, but ALWAYS make sure to celebrate the good, too.

This will add up to forty approaches a week, 160 approaches per month, and 480 approaches in 90 days.  If you keep this up for a year, you’ll have close to 2,000 approaches. You will taste mastery. Guaranteed.

So, right now, make that checklist for Plan #1, and commit to making a daily walk for 30 days. Then start a walk NOW. You’ll see how fun and easy it is. You’re on your way.

Practice is the only way to success with women. All the great pickup artists went through the same exact drills. The cool thing is… after a while, it’s not even about women. It’s about knowing who are more, and becoming your best self.

And that’s what being an attractive man is all about.

On Practicing Gambits

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“Success depends upon previous preparation, and without such preparation there is sure to be failure.” — Confucius

“By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” ? Benjamin Franklin

“Spectacular achievement is always preceded by unspectacular preparation.” ? Robert H. Schuller

To have a successful approach, be prepared.

All of us get approach anxiety. It’s fucking scary. Be-lieeeeeeve me, I know. Those of us guys who actually grit our teeth and approach–awesome! But a lot of us still don’t know where to take the interaction, and we’ll run out of things to say. Ever happened to you? Sure as hell happened to me. Then we run away with our tail between our legs, and hope to never approach again.

Blagh (that’s a throw-up sound).

Solution?

Be prepared BEFORE you approach. Know where you wanna take an interaction. By the way, your goal is qualification. Qualification is the turning point of an interaction from the attraction phase to comfort. In addition to knowing where you’re gonna take things, you also gotta know what you’re going to say.

In other words, BE PREPARED. Your chances of a successful approach will go up in proportion to how prepared you are.

Knowing each thing you’re going to say is called a “gambit.”

What’s a gambit?

The word comes from the game of chess. Remember, pickup is like chess. It’s an intellectual game that takes strategy. That’s why it’s NEVER recommended to drink alcohol when you’re out picking up (unless you’re Tucker Max). You need your mind to be as clear and sober as possible.

Anyway, the word comes from the Italian gambetto, literally, the act of tripping someone, from gamba leg (source: www.merriam-webster.com). The word was originally used in 1561 by a Spanish priest Rúy López de Segura, from an Italian expression dare il gambetto (to put a leg forward in order to trip someone). The Italian word gained the Spanish form gambito that led to French gambit, which has influenced the English spelling of the word. (source: wikipedia)

In chess, a gambit is when a player offers his opponent one or more pawns to gain an advantage in position at the beginning. It can be either ‘accepted’ or ‘declined.’

The Benko Gambit, a well-respected gambit. Credit: chesscorner.com

Conversation soon borrowed the word. In conversation, it can be a remark to open up a conversation. It’s a stratagem. It can be a word or phrase which helps one express what he or she is trying to say. In pickup, it can be as simple as a roll-off.
                                                                                                                                                                 There are 3 categories of gambits for the attract phase:
Category 1: Sexual tension (negs, banter lines, role play). Short term attraction.
Category 2: DHVs (stories). Substantive, long-term attraction.  What kind of person you are…
Category 3: Qualifier (questions). What kind of person is she?
                                                                                                                                                                  I can hear the eye-rolling. Memorizing gambits? That’s silly. Things should be spontaneous. That’s what I thought too. But consider these three arguments why it’s not silly.
                                                                                                                                                            First of all, hoping good conversation magically just happens? Are you serious? That’s a passive way of looking at things. Man, take leadership, and make a good conversation happen.
                                                                                                                                                                Second of all, check out this beautiful passage from the novel “Immortality” by Milan Kundera:

“If our planet has seen some eighty billion people, it is difficult to suppose that every individual has had his or her own repertory of gestures. Arithmetically, it is simply impossible. Without a doubt, there are far fewer gestures in the world than there are individuals… We could put it in the form of an aphorism: many people, few gestures.”

We all use gambits without our being aware of it. The language we use, the jokes, the sayings, the facial expressions, the gestures… how many of them are truly original, and how many are borrowed and learned?

Third of all, learning gambits is like learning to play a musical instrument, like piano. You learn a piece and practice it until it flows out of you naturally. You don’t just play it, but you play it. In the process, you become familiar with the language of music. Soon, the piece becomes yours. It becomes spontaneous. It becomes art. And when you learn gambits, you’ll pick up the language of attraction.

So, learning gambits is like learning to play a piece of music. It’s like training to become a musician or artist.  Even Michelangelo or Donatello copied the great masters in order create their own masterpieces.

So, here’s how to practice gambits.

First, pick ONLY ONE gambit from each category. Pick more than that and you’ll confuse yourself. You’ll suffer from analysis paralysis.

Second, practice the 3 gambits. Practice each 5 times by yourself to memorize them. Practice the delivery 5 times in front of the mirror to get the body language and facial expressions right. Now you’re ready to try em in the field. Practice each 5 times in the field.

When memorizing, try to understand what the gambit is trying to say. You don’t have to memorize word for word, but understand the theme. That way you can create your own, and it can flow out of you naturally. The fun of learning gambits is handling them so your own voice shines through.

Third, choose 3 new gambits. After you’ve practiced each gambit a total of 15 times, or it feels like it’s yours, you may pick a new gambit from each category. Step-by-step you’ll have a full repertoire to work with.  Mystery once said he has about 300 gambits in his head ready at any time. But it took time to get to that point.

Practice your gambits each day like a musician practices his scales or a basketball player practices his foul shots, until this attraction language becomes a second language.

Approach anxiety? Gone. You’ll find you can’t wait to try out new gambits on the girl who works in a coffee shop, a cashier, the bartender, a group of girls in the lounge, whoever. It won’t be about “getting” her, but just sharing a little joy. And that’s the key to a successful approach.

How to Give a Girl a Compliment

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Noooooooooo!

Compliments are just an awkward thing.

Wanna know how to give a woman a compliment the proper way? Compliment yourself.

Let’s say she has nice eyes. You might say something like this. “You’ve got nice eyes. They’re almost as nice as mine.”

That’s how you give a girl a compliment.

Here’s the rationale. A hot chick in a club or bar has been complimented and told she’s beautiful so many times, it doesn’t even mean anything.

It smells like you’re kissing her ass so you can get into her pants. Be different. Stay away from compliments. Compliment yourself.

When you get her into bed THEN compliment her. Tell her how beautiful her pussy is. Or how great she tastes. When you’re fucking her it’s a good thing to tell her how hot she looks. That’s the best time to compliment her.

If you MUST compliment her before you’ve gotten her into bed–here’s a few tips.

TIP #1. Make sure she’s earned it. First, qualify her. “What’ve you got going for you besides your looks?” If you genuinely like what you hear, THEN you can compliment her. “Damn, you seem cool. I wanna get to know you better.” She’s earned the compliment. It’s not even a compliment. It’s a statement of truth.

TIP #2. Make the compliment insightful. “Nice earrings” is lame. “I like the way the blue in the earrings matches your eyes. It looks like a Native American style.” Better. There’s details and specifics. If it’s insightful, it’s more honest.

TIP #3. Add something negative to the compliment. “You’re special… in that short bus to school sort of way.” “You’re everything I never wanted.” “You’re the most awesomest girl I’ve met… in the last 30 seconds.” “Check this girl out. She’s amazing and so bright and funny. Would you believe she’s never had a date?”

Actually this isn’t a compliment. It’s a diss. You pretend you give her a compliment, then take it away at the last moment. But it’s fuuuuun! Haha

Anyway, show appreciation to your woman only if it’s SINCERE–not to “get” her approval–but like you’re stating a truth, making an observation. And of course compliment her during sex, and during a relationship. But when you FIRST meet her, as a rule of thumb, don’t compliment her. It can smell of an ulterior motive. Compliment yourself.

Yesssssssss!

Approaching A Group of Women With Guys In It

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Male Bonding
Credit: askmen.com

1. Talk to the guys first. If you don’t, guys will want to protect the girl. Show you’re not after her…yet. You’re just being friendly.

2. Show respect to the guys, and they’ll be cool with you. Talking with the guys first is a show of respect. AND it’s attractive behavior to the chicks. After you make friends with the guys, then you can fliiiiiiirt with the ladies.

3. Ironically, in a group at a bar, a BAR mind you, often guys aren’t boyfriends with the girls. If they are, no worries. You still made some cool friends. Nice

Getting Picked up…From A Woman’s Point of View

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This comes from “Bare: The Naked Truth About Stripping,” by Elisabeth Eaves.

Listen to what she says about how it might feel like to get picked up… from a woman’s point of view.

…occasionally strangers started to talk to me for no apparent reason… my usual reaction was embarrassment for having drawn attention and annoyance that my daydreaming or reading had been interrupted…

…I didn’t understand his attention. I still thought myself invisible to the world of strangers and adults…

The next year… I started to put things together…

…I broke into a jog because I was running late and wanted to get to the school where my friends would be.

A carful of boys suddenly came careening around the bend… As it passed a young man with shaggy hair bellowed out the window: “Fabulous set of tah-tahs, baby!”

I slowed to a walk and looked behind me, trying to fathom whom he was talking to, but there was no one else around. I realized, slowly, that it must have been me. I kept walking up toward the school, thinking about what he had said. I had never heard the term “tah-tahs” before. It sounded like a stupid, babyish word… But I knew instinctively what he was talking about…

Before then I had thought that effort or at least some sort of consciousness on my part might lead to sexual attention. Now I realized that I–my head, that is, my brain, my thoughts–had nothing to do with it. I looked down at my white turtleneck and pink jeans and saw my body in a new light. It was an object of interest to others that was entirely independent from who I was. And now my body became a new kind of object of interest to me. I had done nothing to achieve it. I couldn’t escape it. Yet it had clearly made those boys–or were they grown men?–behave the way they had. I felt like a child who had been handed a heavy sword and told to learn how to use it before she cut off her foot. Some time after the car had gone by, when I had put this all together, I laughed with a mixture of flattered pride and disbelief.

The incident… united my internal and external sexual worlds. I was familiar, after all, with sex, in the sense you can be familiar with anything you read about in a book… I thought about sex frequently… and I masturbated often. But up until the day at the bus stop I had not connected what went on in my head with tangible experience. Having sex was a goal, but in the abstract, in the same way I thought I might someday be a lawyer. I had assumed there were many hurdles between me and it. I had not yet discerned the link between my private thoughts and the way others saw me. And then suddenly it became clear that there were no hurdles at all. Sex was there for the taking. It was up to me.

It was a revelation… boys were now sexually available to me… I started to become dimly aware of an unwritten sexual rule book. I was stunned when I discovered that boys and girls were expected to behave differently. It violated my sense of fair play.

Here’s some things I took away from this.

1. Beauty is superficial. Don’t be interested in a woman just because she was dealt a good pair of cards. Be interested in her person. Let her earn your interest. Ways to do this: Qualify her. Neg/Banter with her.

2. This woman was shocked to learn that she didn’t have to work to get sex. All she had to do was look good. Be different. Desire her if she has a brain or a positive outlook, not just because she looks good.

3. Women are as sexual and horny (if not more) than us. She wants sex. There’s outdated, unwritten rules that makes it more difficult for women to be as sexually free as us. Don’t play by those unwritten rules. Let the sexual animal in her come out to play.

4. Oh, and it probably does feel like an interruption when we talk to her. That’s okay. Have an interesting topic of conversation prepared. You could also call this “DHV.” If she seems cool, let your interest be known based on that, and invite her out.

A Structure I Use

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Here’s a structure I’ve used to great success.

STEP ONE: OPENER

Smile

“You looked kinda cool, so I had to come over and say hi.”

OR

“I’ve got this rule that whenever I see someone attractive, I’ve gotta come over and say hi.”

Your body isn’t directly facing theirs. Your body faces away from them. Legs reveal what the mind wants to do.

“Mark sat there with his legs wide apart, stroking his tie and massaging the saltshaker. He hadn’t noticed that, for the past twenty minutes, her legs had been crossed away from him and pointing toward the nearest exit.”
Credit: The Definitive Book of Body Language, Allan & Barbara Pease

It also makes them feel not trapped, but comfortable–you’re not going to be there forever.

Her reaction: Smiles.

STEP TWO: BANTER (NEG)

Tap on the arm and step back.

“Hey quit looking at my chest. My eyes are up here! Jeez. All you girls think about is one thing.”

Her Reaction: Laughs.

STEP THREE: APPRECIATE

“You guys seem cool. You don’t mind a complete stranger coming up to you and saying crazy stuff.”

Her Reaction: Yes, we’re cool talking with strangers.

STEP FOUR: SELF-DISCLOSURE (DHV)

“My passion in life is writing, and I can’t think of a better way to have material to write about than meeting new people.”

Her Reaction: Agreement.

STEP FIVE: QUALIFY

“How about you? What are you passionate about?”

Her Reaction: You’ll be surprised how few people know what they’re passionate about. I’ll help by saying something like:

“Well, what’s something you really enjoyed doing when you were like seven?”

OR

“What’s something you love doing and you just totally lose track of time, like you could do forever?”

Her Reaction: Thinks, then figures something out.

Converse on this for a bit. Style’s “Eliciting Values” works great here too.

STEP SIX: STATEMENT OF INTEREST & CLOSE

“Are you single? You seem really cool and I’d love to continue this conversation.”

OR

“Okay, I’m totally making you my new girlfriend. We’re gonna go to Vegas tomorrow and get married by Elvis. You can wear a Catwoman costume, and I’ll be Batman. It’ll be awesome. Are you single? We should totally hang out. When are you free?”

Make a date there and then. It avoids phone tag later.

STEP SEVEN: CREATE AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION

Once you’re alone with her, find commonalities or play a fun game like The Cube or The Question Game. Deepen the mutual self-disclosure. Open up. She’ll follow your lead.

STEP EIGHT: PHYSICAL ESCALATION

Brush a hair from her face. Slow your breathing and blinking. If she’s cool with you brushing a hair from her face, she’ll be cool with you kissing her. Keep the first kiss light and short. Not too much tongue. ALWAYS pull away first. Leave her wanting more.

STEP NINE: EXTRACT TO SEDUCTION LOCATION

Invite her up for something unrelated to sex, like you want to play her a cool song, or show her a cool movie. Take 5 or 10 minutes to smell her without kissing her. During foreplay, don’t go straight for her pussy or tits. Take two steps forward, one step back. Keep pulling away. It builds sexual tension.

You don’t have to use the exact words I use. But the underlying structure works. Each step corresponds to each of the 3 things you need to fall in love. Namely:

1. Banter… creates sexual tension.

2. Self-disclose… mutual self-disclosure, part 1 (you disclose)

3. Qualify the target… mutual self-disclosure, part 2 (she discloses)

4. State your interest in the target and close the deal… she feels liked not for her looks, but for who she is.

Mystery in Action

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Here’s a video of Mystery in action picking up a Guess model.

Notice that Mystery actively shows that he doesn’t desire her. Other guys often will show how they “desire” her. So to stand out, Mystery does the opposite of “hitting on her.” How does he do this? He does things like walk away from her. Or when she says she’s a model, he says, “you mean a hand model?” He also qualifies her… “is there more to you than meets the eye?”

There’s something in human nature that responds to confidence (confidence here meaning lack of fear) and being challenged.

Also notice how he leads the woman to a quiet spot to talk further. He doesn’t wait. He pushes the interaction forward. He makes things happen.

You’ll see it all in action. Invaluable.

Q: What’s your best pickup, Mystery?.