In my previous post, I suggested we must approach a woman by giving. This scene below shows exactly what I mean.
Also, this scene shows how foreplay IS sex. There’s no difference between picking up women and satisfying them. Picking up a woman is foreplay. This scene shows this idea, too. The way Don Juan picks her up is the way he satisfies her.
Notice these excellent fundamentals in his approach:
He smiles before uttering a word.
Before he speaks, he lets the woman check him out. If you speak before letting people check you out, they won’t be able to hear what you’re saying. They need to size you up first.
He gives a false time constraint: “I will not linger.” If you sit down with someone, they’ll immediately wonder how long you’ll be here. Put them at ease. Let them know you won’t stay long.
He immediately self-discloses. He tells her who he is.
He sparks sexual tension by telling her what he can do for her. It’s about her.
He touches her within minutes.
The way he speaks: with feeling, subtlety, appreciation, sincerity. You can tell how much he is in love with women. And he just sucks her into his world as a result.
He never states why he’s there. It’s understood. But it’s not about “me” or “taking.” He wants her, but he also wants to give something of value to her. He demonstrates his value in terms of her.
He’s unafraid of sex. In fact, he confidently leads her to sex. But he leads her in a way that sparks HER desires (his desire is there, but it’s not about my desires alone).
And when he’s in bed, he uses that same kind of being-in-tuned with her, enjoying every inch of her, bringing her deepest pleasure out from within her (not just sticking his dick in her). It’s an art. Nothing else exists. Time stands still. The self is gone. Complete and total care. Bliss. Listen to his words…
Every woman is a mystery to be solved. Her skin color can tell us how to proceed. But a woman holds nothing from a true lover. Her hue, like the blush of a rose, pink and pale, she must be coaxed to open her petals with a warmth like the sun. It calls for the lust of a whale crashing to the shore, so we may steal up what lies beneath, and bring the foamy delight of love to the surface.
Although there is no metaphor that truly describes making love to a woman. The closest is playing a rare musical instrument. I wonder, does the Stradivarius violin feel the same rapture as the violinist when he coaxes his single perfect note from its heart?
Every true lover knows the moment of greatest satisfaction comes when ecstasy is long over. And he beholds before him the flower that has blossomed beneath his touch.
Yep. Scary. Less scary if you know what to say, though. Photo Credit: www.collegecandy.com
What do you say? How do you avoid rejection?
The short answer is… talk about stuff she’d want to talk about.
Check out this story from Mystery.
PART ONE: Initiate an Interesting Topic of Conversation
Louie and Mystery are in a buffet restaurant eating, and 3 girls are eating at a table inconveniently 30 feet away from them.
So, they get some food and discuss a WAY IN. Louie comes up with an “ON THE FLY OPENER.”
He goes in and crash and burns. But, hey, we all gotta go through the pain of losing to start LEARNING and getting good. Right? And we can learn something from what he did.
So, this is what he did.
He carries some cookies to the girls and says:
Louie: Do you have any idea how I can secretly sneak out 16 cookies from this place without getting caught?
Girl #1: Put them in your hood.
Louie: I could do that by throwing them into the air and catching them… cha ching!
Have no idea what that means, but points for being kinda unique.
Then he fucks it up by sitting with them. This makes the girls feel invaded and uncomfortable, because… and here’s the key… he had not yet initiated an interesting topic of conversation, so that they would WANT him there.
But hey, the dude TRIED. Major points for that.
Again, he failed to initiate an INTERESTING TOPIC OF CONVERSATION. Lesson: Before approaching chicks, have an interesting topic of conversation ready to engage them.
Okay, fine. What exactly is an “INTERESTING” topic of conversation?
Excellent question.
PART TWO: Talk about stuff SHE’D like to talk about
People don’t care about what you want. People care about what THEY want.
Don’t worry about getting her to like you. See something good about her, and point this out. Like her first. Talk about her favorite subject. HER.
Think in terms of her point of view, and talk about things from this angle.
The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. Rare is the guy who approaches a woman and talks in terms of THEM, and gives them FEELING GOOD. This guy is so rare, that he’ll stand out. She’ll stop, and take notice.
By talking in terms in her, you’ll arouse in her a want. She’ll want to talk.
Also, being enthusiastic arouses a want in others to talk as well. People connect with that emotion. That’s a cool emotion to connect with, especially for a woman you’d like to get to know better.
Henry Ford:
“If there’s any one secret to success it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle, as well as from your own.”
1. Talk about stuff that SHE’D like to talk about.
2. Be enthusiastic and fascinated. She’ll enjoy talking with you because of how you make her FEEL.
3. Share some insight into who she is. All of us humans enjoy learning, especially if it gives us some insight into who we are.
Talk in terms of her. You’ll arouse in her a want. That’s all you need.
PART THREE: Chick Crack
Here’s some possible topics you can open with.
By the way, this is why Style’s and Mystery’s routines work so well. They were based on the principle of TALKING IN TERMS OF HER.
You only have to pick one or two topics below.
I. Self-Disclose
A. Your Passion
My most successful conversation starter was telling a girl straight out that my passion is writing. Benefits: a) She knows who she’s talking with. b) Passion is a feeling everyone can relate to. c) Afterwards, I get to ask what HER passion is. This is what I really care about. I wanna know who this chick is.
B. A Funny or Embarrassing Story
Cosmo has an entire column called “Confessions,” which is all about embarrassing moments. What does that tell you? A funny embarrassing story makes her laugh, and shows your human side. (examples: “The W,” “Two Girls Fighting Outside”)
C. Enthusiastic News that would excite HER
Article you just read that’s girl-relevant… maybe a new take on cheating, or how girls think
Great thing that just happened to you… maybe you just got promoted
Cool movie or concert you just saw… maybe you just saw Avengers
Cool fact or discovery (like of Google Earth) that totally FASCINATED you
II. “Who You Are” Tests
(Shed some insight about who she is. And actually learn about her.)
A. Shorter Tests. First 2 minutes to “hook” the girl.
Make Observations about Her (“The Rings Routine” or “Best Friend’s Test” are examples and even Style’s “Eliciting Values” works here)
How Her… and Everyone else’s… Mind Works/NLP Discoveries (“Eye Accessing Cues” or Ross Jeffries’ “Blammo” pattern are examples)
Astrology (Ask “what’s your sign.” Have some knowledge about astrology.)
B. Longer Tests. After you’ve “hooked” her (to build comfort and rapport).
Palmistry (Brad P’s Palmistry Joke is great here. If you’ve got the patience to actually learn this stuff, good luck haha)
Handwriting Analysis, Tarot Card Reading
Others: The Cube, The 4 Question Psychological Test, Mystery’s “The Question Game,” Style’s “Secret Self”
III. Girl-Relevant Topics
A. Relationships
especially if there’s a lot of drama. Get a female perspective.
B. “Cute” stuff, like Animals and Children
Women when they see something small and cute always say: “That’s sooooooo cute!” I don’t understand it. I just go with it.
C. The Unknown
Magic, ghosts, the occult, the spiritual. Who isn’t FASCINATED by a little mystery?
D. Fashion
Tip: if you compliment her on her fashion, be specific. Insight is the difference between a generic compliment and a genuine one. Asking her for fashion advice works too.
E. Trends
Reality TV (i.e. The Bachelor or American Idol), celebrity gossip, pop-culture (movies, music).
So, those are some topics that might be interesting to HER.
PART FOUR: Before and After Starting a Conversation and “The Initial Benefit Statement”
BEFORE you initiate a topic of conversation, NEG HER.
For example you could say something as simple as, “I can already tell, you and I are NOT going to get along.” Laughter breaks the ice. But this special kind of FLIRTATIOUS laughter, creates all-important sexual tension. I’ve got more on this in my article “Flirting.”
AFTER initiating an interesting topic of conversation, ASK ABOUT HER.
This is so important. Don’t be the dancing monkey. Qualify her. It avoids you getting stuck, and moves the conversation forward.
Then when she answers your question, STATE YOUR INTEREST in her. Now she knows why you’re there. And close the deal. Easy cheesy.
Bythe way, what do the topics I listed above have in common?
They’re emotional. I mean you don’t have to exactly debate passion. That’d be ridiculous. It’s not factual or intellectual. It’s emotional.
And they have to do with HER. That’s exactly my point.
Instead of trying to “get” her, you’re “giving” value to her.
It’s like you’re saying, “Hey, here’s feeling good.” She can take it or leave it. You don’t care, you just wanted to spread some good feelings. Nice.
We usually think in terms of “me.” What I want. Wouldn’t you say it’s hard to bridge the gap to another person that way? Why not then think in terms of them? What they want. Imagine yourself in their shoes.
In sales, there’s something called the “Initial Benefit Statement.” It’s all about how you BENEFIT them. When you approach a prospective client, you must tell them
1. WHO YOU ARE
2. WHY YOU’RE THERE
3. WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR THEM
Do the SAME THING when starting conversations with women.
When you
1. NEG (MAKE HER LAUGH) = WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR THEM
2. DHV (INITIATE AN INTERESTING TOPIC OF CONVERSATION) = WHO YOU ARE
3. QUALIFY (ASK ABOUT HER AFTERWARDS) = WHY YOU’RE THERE
she’s enjoying herself, because really it’s all about her. She knows who she’s talking with. Then when you state your interest in her, she knows why you’re there.
So, have an interesting topic of discussion ready before you approach a girl. Talk in terms of her. Who cares about “getting”? Just give.
Ahhhhhh. The ice has melted. You didn’t try to “get” her. You were just giving to her. Photo Credit: http://9ja-dejavu.blogspot.com/2012/03/signs-that-she-is-into-you.html
“I needed to let her know that unlike every other guy in the bar, I am not and will not be intimidated by her looks. Beauty to me was now a shit test: It weeded out the losers who got dumbstruck by it.”
(page 152, “The Game,” by Neil Strauss)
These three sentences are the key to success in the game.
The whole purpose of:
The Neg… a flirting line. It says “I’m not interested in getting in your pants.” Breaks her “elitist” facade she might have because of her beauty. Makes you into a challenge. And makes her laugh.
The DHV… a conversation piece. Self-discloses something cool about yourself, so she knows who she’s talking with. You’re not talking about her beauty or “getting in her pants.” You’re talking with her like a person. No Interview where you ask her a million questions. And no small talk like the weather, or “what do you do.” You have something fun to share, and it has emotional appeal.
The Qualifier… a question. It says “I’m less interested in your looks than who you are as a person.” And it gets her talking and investing in the interaction.
…is to not get bamboozled by a beautiful woman’s beauty, but to talk with her as a human being. You’re stronger than the gravitational pull of her beauty. Because her outer beauty is just a facade.
1. Showing too much sexual interest (Starting in Seduction): “The Creepy Guy”
A lot of guys show sexual interest in a woman before they attract and qualify her. They make it obvious to a woman they’re only interested in taking sex from her, without any regard to her as a person. It’s as if they say, “You don’t know me, wanna have sex?” Rather than be a getter, why not be a giver? Before seducing her, it’s best to let her see what you’re about, bring her some joy, and build comfort and trust. That way, you’ve built sexual interest in her as well.
2. Being too Nice (Starting in Comfort): “The Nice Guy”
On the opposite end, other men focus on not being a sexual threat and only building comfort. They’ll say things like “So, where are you from? Do you come here often?” before the woman knows anything about who this guy is. Share yourself first, and that will make her feel more comfortable sharing herself with you. And keeping the conversation fact-based is artificial. It’s best to make her FEEL first. Ironically, “The Nice Guy” technique still telegraphs sexual interest. He’s still trying to “get” but in hidden way. Giving favors, gifts, compliments, early protestations of love, and being afraid to rock the boat isn’t really giving because something is expected in return. It’s okay to be a sexual threat. In fact, to create sexual tension you need to be.
3. Not qualifying or listening (Attracting but No Comfort): “The Player”
When a man attracts a woman first, but skips comfort, and goes straight for the sex, he becomes a player. This has three major drawbacks.
a. Buyer’s Remorse. If you a rush a woman into sex too soon, she may regret it. So, avoid making out with her, especially if you’re in the club, and don’t lead her into the bathroom stall, unless all you want is a one night stand. It’s better to push her away: “We shouldn’t do this here.” Showing constraint is attractive. It also creates comfort and trust with her and increases sexual desire in her as a result. So, kiss her, but push her away. After you’ve built enough comfort, sexually arouse her in PRIVATE.
b. She feels manipulated. For us, it can feel intoxicating when a woman shows interest in us. Before we protest our interest in her though, let her win us over first. Let her show us what she’s about. Let her EARN being with us. Let her WORK for us. After all, you don’t want to sleep with just anyone, do you? If you like who she is as a person, then show interest in her as a person. If we don’t do this, she may feel like she’s just a body and that we just go for anyone. Besides, who values handouts? A player is smooth but rushes to sex. A Venuisan Artist doesn’t push for sex, but gets her to work for us first.
c. Her guard comes up. If you cross the line into seduction too early without listening to her, spending a few hours with her (between 4-10 hours–7 hours on average), bouncing her to different locations, showing a vulnerable, honest side, connecting, laughing, touching comfortably, showing constraint, she will feel uncomfortable with your seducing her. Most likely, she’ll resist. Don’t make sex the priority. Build comfort and trust with her first. By not pouncing, she’ll more likely pounce you.
4. Not Touching Her (Attracting but Stuck in Comfort): “The Friend Zone”
On the opposite end, if a man spends too much time in comfort, he’ll get stuck in the friend zone. This usually happens when we don’t kino her. When we don’t kino, often it’s because we don’t want to “offend.” We won’t “offend” if we’re the friendly guy who speaks with his hands and touches everyone, not just the target. High-fives, hugs, hand-shakes, arm taps are accepted public forms of touch. In a discreet way, also squeeze her hand and see if she squeezes back. If she does, play with her fingers but then drop her hands. This slips sexual feeling into the interaction without being overt about it. When alone, touch her leg with yours, smell her neck, brush a hair from her face to match the gradual escalation of emotional intimacy. Touch eliminates the friend zone.
5. Not creating sexual tension (Balance Indicators of Interest with Disinterest)
The “sexual” part of sexual tension comes from taking on the role of a dominant man interacting with a “cute” girl. The “tension” comes from the conflict of play-fighting. Tension is also the feeling of “what will happen next?” To the girl, this is exciting. She feels challenged–her pretty face for once isn’t sufficient to win over this guy. So, we must show disinterest: for example, walk away at the height of an interaction, or make her laugh with a neg instead of giving her a predictable compliment. We must also show interest too: for example smile, touch, show her appreciation when it’s deserved. In this way, we communicate with the woman inside her, not with with her polite, artificial social persona. Play-fight with her. Dominant man versus “cute” girl. This sparks sexual tension, and attraction, in her.
6. Trying Too Hard
Here are some examples of trying too hard: showing off, bragging, exaggerating accomplishments, asking a million questions, not allowing any silences, spending loads of money, entertaining her, trying to make her laugh constantly, getting interested in her way too fast, investing all our energies in one girl. Way too exhausting. The best pickup artists not only hunt, they farm. Go after one girl, get nothing. Go after 10 girls; get 7 awesome pivots and 3 lays (the best of the bunch, of course). You can only choose from the women who choose you. That means if you want to have choice, you have to be the man who talks to a lot of women. How can a girl chase us if we plant our feet in front of her and never move? Lie back and roll off. You’re the prize. Let the woman chase you. Jealousy plotlines can be an integral way to make the most beautiful women chase you.
7. Not Being Prepared
Generating a conversation out of thin air with complete strangers isn’t an easy task, so having some icebreakers prepared helps. Whip out a cheat sheet and fill it with negs, kino (write out the kino, however mundane, with negs and DHVs like stage directions), DHVs, and qualifiers. You’ll need enough material to engage a woman for 25 to 40 minutes, though ultimately you’ll need to fill 7 hours. Of that time, only the first few minutes should be A-2 material. Once we’ve hooked a woman, qualify her. We’ll stale out a set if we over-attract without having her work to attract us. We also demonstrate cluelessness about how to read a woman. Being prepared also means getting into the right state, which is a playful, positive, talkative state. Also, knowing where to bounce girls, and having logistics handled, is part of being prepared, as well as being groomed, clean, having condoms, and gum. Practice in the mirror before going out if you have to, it lends a degree of self-awareness in the field. And when you’re ready for that woman of particular beauty, forget everything and be in the moment. Ironically, preparation makes flow possible.
8. Being Too Logical and Factual
Showing off our intellect doesn’t create attraction. Our intellect speaks to her logic, not her emotions. Not smiling, keeping a monotone, factual voice, and being silent altogether doesn’t create attraction either. Where’s the juice? Women respond much more to a man who smiles and who’s expressive. This shows warmth and feeling. Women would rather feel. Rather than explain, or talk about facts and logic, or be overly serious, talk about emotional subjects, play with her, sweep her up into your arms and dance, talk about things that light you up. Passion and enthusiasm are aphrodisiacs for women. When you’re enthusiastic about something, she’ll be swept up in those good feelings and won’t want to part from them. Make a woman feel wonderful. She’ll associate feeling wonderful with you.
9. Demonstrating Lower Value
When we portray ourselves in a lower-value way with women, it kills her attraction for us. The way we portray ourselves begins in our thoughts. Instead of focusing on our insecurities in our thoughts, highlight strengths and accomplishments. Then when we’re talking with women, our positive light will naturally shine through, which increases her attraction for us. As a side note, self-deprecating humor only works when everyone is aware of one’s strengths. It becomes a form of humility, which is attractive. But when we self-deprecate without our strengths to contrast it with, it’s uncomfortable. So, why not meditate on our strengths in our thoughts? That way we grow into men of the highest value, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
10. Fearing What She Thinks of You
Who cares what she might think of us? For that matter, who cares what anyone might think of us? All the great pickup artists seem to have one thing in common: social freedom. It’s so much more attractive to walk through the world without fear, especially without the fear of losing other people’s approval. “Approval” from others is flimsy, “approval” from within is solid. More important than getting the girl is serving a deeper purpose than women, and keeping focus on that purpose to its end with all of our hearts. Women can be sunshine in our lives, beautiful and inspiring, but true freedom comes not from getting her or from clinging to her, but from bringing our light into the world. The byproduct, not the goal, is we become a supremely attractive man to women, a man of particular value.
Remember the part in “The Game” where Mystery said to Style: “You’re going to be a superstar”?
Neil Strauss (a.k.a. Style) and Erik Von Markovik (a.k.a Mystery)
Style was in set and it was going badly. But he hung in there. Afterwards Mystery said this to him. Style asked why, and Mystery said it was because he hung in there.
Hold on hold on hold on. If a set’s going badly shouldn’t you just eject? Otherwise wouldn’t that make you annoying? And isn’t being willing to walk away attractive? That part of the book didn’t totally add up for me.
My first clue came in this email Style (real name: Neil Strauss, journalist for Rolling Stone and New York Times best-selling author) sent last year to his email list.
His new book “Everyone Loves You When You’re Dead” was coming out.
It was about his experiences as a journalist interviewing stars like Motley Crue, Courtney Love, Ludacris, Led Zepplin, Lady Gaga, Prince, Madonna for Rolling Stone.
In the email, he talked about rapport being the key to his success in those interviews. He also said it was a HUGE piece of his success with women. Yet he pointed out that most pickup artists underrate it. Attraction and sex rate highly. Rapport? Not so much.
The night I read that email, I went out and had an experience that drove his point home.
Great-looking blonde was sitting at a bar drinking a Guinness by herself (as it turned out she was waiting for some friends to arrive).
So of course I approached. I decided to go off script and free-wing it. Just go for rapport. Like the email talked about.
First of all, scary as hell. No safety net. And she was looking away like she didn’t want to talk with me.
But I hung in there.
I hung in there to do my favorite routine called “The Rings Routine.” Then I excused myself. She asked me a question to keep me there.
Yes!
My willingness to leave, I think, was a huge factor in her wanting me to stay.
But also, even though she was looking away from me before, like I said, I hung in there. I was so determined to make a connection, I hung in there even though things were going badly.
And holy shit, it turned out to be fun! She started opening up to me, and giving me her full attention. How sweet how sweet how sweet.
Her friends had arrived, so we exchanged contact info.
Afterwards, I wondered if that was the secret to Style hanging in there. Was he so determined to get rapport that he didn’t get discouraged by any dissonance? I’m not sure. But my set was going bad. And I was determined to get rapport. I made it through.
By the way, this doesn’t mean not to pay attention to a woman’s cues.
I mean, hang in there within the first five minutes. If you’re getting dissonance, no worries. Flirt, self-disclose something cool about yourself, ask her a question, and then be willing to leave. If after five minutes the group still clearly wants to be left alone, leave them alone.
And ALWAYS be willing to leave. This makes other people who don’t know you yet feel comfortable. It answers their question, “is this person going to be here forever?” No I’m not. If you’re already leaving, why would she need to give you cues to “leave us alone”?
Even though making rapport my objective helped me barrel through resistance, it just goes to show how HUGELY important attraction is. If anything that’s probably why the blonde was looking away from me.
I was flapping around looking for rapport asking questions. I didn’t make her laugh or give her any interesting conversation bit, like a story or something that discloses myself. Not until I did the Rings Routine. And was about to leave.
Lesson? Attract her BEFORE rapport. It smoothes the way to rapport.
During the attraction phase (which doesn’t last long, few minutes max), be the one who gives free information about yourself first. At the same time make her laugh with some flirting. Flirting is the key to attraction. I go into detail about this in my post “Flirting.”
After you talk, ask about her. Find commonalities. Find “me too” moments. Listen. Let her take the spotlight.
I know rapport isn’t the flashy or glamourous part of game. That’s probably why it’s so underrated in the community. But it’s so important. It’s important for HER to work, too. Many guys think we have to do all the talking. Uh, no. Two way street is good.
Qualification questions, by the way, are a great way to still be a challenge yet shift the conversation into rapport mode. Here are some of my favorites that have worked great:
“Beauty is common. Outside of your good looks, what makes you unique?”
“Are you passionate? What are you passionate about?”
“If you could wake up anywhere in the world, where would it be?” OR “If you could do any art, what would it be?”
Obviously ya don’t need them all. One or two is good enough. But I always feel a delicious shift in the conversation when I ask one of these questions. It shifts the conversation to some depth and substance.
After you’ve made this emotional connection with her, don’t get stuck there. Physically advance and kiss her. I go into A LOT of detail about physically advancing in my post “Kino.”
Otherwise, the danger of rapport is getting stuck in the dreaded “friend zone.”
My point in sharing all this with you was the lesson I learned about hanging in there. I wasn’t ruffled by her dissonance. I didn’t let it discourage me. I went for rapport. And I made it through.
So, if you yourself ever get a little dissonance from a woman in the first few minutes of approaching her, it’s all good. Hang in there. Like water that always yields and flows, accept her resistance, hang in there, and keep moving forward. Keep looking ahead… you WILL make it through.
