Remember the part in “The Game” where Mystery said to Style: “You’re going to be a superstar”?
Neil Strauss (a.k.a. Style) and Erik Von Markovik (a.k.a Mystery)
Style was in set and it was going badly. But he hung in there. Afterwards Mystery said this to him. Style asked why, and Mystery said it was because he hung in there.
Hold on hold on hold on. If a set’s going badly shouldn’t you just eject? Otherwise wouldn’t that make you annoying? And isn’t being willing to walk away attractive? That part of the book didn’t totally add up for me.
My first clue came in this email Style (real name: Neil Strauss, journalist for Rolling Stone and New York Times best-selling author) sent last year to his email list.
His new book “Everyone Loves You When You’re Dead” was coming out.
It was about his experiences as a journalist interviewing stars like Motley Crue, Courtney Love, Ludacris, Led Zepplin, Lady Gaga, Prince, Madonna for Rolling Stone.
In the email, he talked about rapport being the key to his success in those interviews. He also said it was a HUGE piece of his success with women. Yet he pointed out that most pickup artists underrate it. Attraction and sex rate highly. Rapport? Not so much.
The night I read that email, I went out and had an experience that drove his point home.
Great-looking blonde was sitting at a bar drinking a Guinness by herself (as it turned out she was waiting for some friends to arrive).
So of course I approached. I decided to go off script and free-wing it. Just go for rapport. Like the email talked about.
First of all, scary as hell. No safety net. And she was looking away like she didn’t want to talk with me.
But I hung in there.
I hung in there to do my favorite routine called “The Rings Routine.” Then I excused myself. She asked me a question to keep me there.
My willingness to leave, I think, was a huge factor in her wanting me to stay.
But also, even though she was looking away from me before, like I said, I hung in there. I was so determined to make a connection, I hung in there even though things were going badly.
And holy shit, it turned out to be fun! She started opening up to me, and giving me her full attention. How sweet how sweet how sweet.
Her friends had arrived, so we exchanged contact info.
Afterwards, I wondered if that was the secret to Style hanging in there. Was he so determined to get rapport that he didn’t get discouraged by any dissonance? I’m not sure. But my set was going bad. And I was determined to get rapport. I made it through.
By the way, this doesn’t mean not to pay attention to a woman’s cues.
I mean, hang in there within the first five minutes. If you’re getting dissonance, no worries. Flirt, self-disclose something cool about yourself, ask her a question, and then be willing to leave. If after five minutes the group still clearly wants to be left alone, leave them alone.
And ALWAYS be willing to leave. This makes other people who don’t know you yet feel comfortable. It answers their question, “is this person going to be here forever?” No I’m not. If you’re already leaving, why would she need to give you cues to “leave us alone”?
Even though making rapport my objective helped me barrel through resistance, it just goes to show how HUGELY important attraction is. If anything that’s probably why the blonde was looking away from me.
I was flapping around looking for rapport asking questions. I didn’t make her laugh or give her any interesting conversation bit, like a story or something that discloses myself. Not until I did the Rings Routine. And was about to leave.
Lesson? Attract her BEFORE rapport. It smoothes the way to rapport.
During the attraction phase (which doesn’t last long, few minutes max), be the one who gives free information about yourself first. At the same time make her laugh with some flirting. Flirting is the key to attraction. I go into detail about this in my post “Flirting.”
After you talk, ask about her. Find commonalities. Find “me too” moments. Listen. Let her take the spotlight.
I know rapport isn’t the flashy or glamourous part of game. That’s probably why it’s so underrated in the community. But it’s so important. It’s important for HER to work, too. Many guys think we have to do all the talking. Uh, no. Two way street is good.
Qualification questions, by the way, are a great way to still be a challenge yet shift the conversation into rapport mode. Here are some of my favorites that have worked great:
“Beauty is common. Outside of your good looks, what makes you unique?”
“Are you passionate? What are you passionate about?”
“If you could wake up anywhere in the world, where would it be?” OR “If you could do any art, what would it be?”
Obviously ya don’t need them all. One or two is good enough. But I always feel a delicious shift in the conversation when I ask one of these questions. It shifts the conversation to some depth and substance.
After you’ve made this emotional connection with her, don’t get stuck there. Physically advance and kiss her. I go into A LOT of detail about physically advancing in my post “Kino.”
Otherwise, the danger of rapport is getting stuck in the dreaded “friend zone.”
My point in sharing all this with you was the lesson I learned about hanging in there. I wasn’t ruffled by her dissonance. I didn’t let it discourage me. I went for rapport. And I made it through.
So, if you yourself ever get a little dissonance from a woman in the first few minutes of approaching her, it’s all good. Hang in there. Like water that always yields and flows, accept her resistance, hang in there, and keep moving forward. Keep looking ahead… you WILL make it through.