Before I give you the quote, quick background.
I just finished reading “Radical Honesty,” by Brad Blanton. Highly recommended.
Here’s the basic premise:
At heart we’re Being. There’s nothing mysterious or mystical about Being. It’s just the sensate being in the body.
However, our parents, teachers, priests, media taught us how things SHOULD be and how we SHOULD act. We grew a “mind.” In a word, we became “moralistic.”
We went from living as Being to living in the mind. We lie to ourselves and to others to keep up a false image that fits the way we SHOULD be. We suffer, we inflict suffering, and kill ourselves as a result.
The way out of this prison is to tell the truth. Telling the truth sets us free to return to Being. We become more alive, at peace, and creative. And telling the truth reveals that underneath all the bullshit we thought separated each other, we are all Beings in common. Honesty also brings relationships back to life, too.
Not only did this book make me (painfully) aware of moralism and how it’s everywhere… in me, in you, everywhere.. it gave me an insight into the “Mr. Nice Guy” syndrome. As you and I know that isn’t exactly a recipe for success with women.
Nice Guys tend to pretend to be more “perfect” than they really are. If you’ve ever wondered how to cure the syndrome, telling the truth might be the way.
While I was reading “Radical Honesty,” I read Tucker Max’s “Hilarity Ensues” at the same. Turned out, Tucker was the perfect companion. He proved over and over how his honesty won him the girl at the end again and again.
You know Tucker’s WILD success with women, right?
Well, if you read my post “Lessons From Tucker Max,” you’ll see I quote him talking about how he thinks it’s his honesty that is one of the two keys to his success with women.
It’s also what makes his stories so great. It’s entertaining and refreshing seeing someone having the balls to tell the truth.
Now, why would telling the truth work so well, especially when it comes to women? I don’t know the exact answer, but here are some guesses:
Honesty challenges the status quo and breaks you out of the seeking-other- people’s-approval herd. Attractive.
Makes you free, strong, ballsy, a leader, authentic, and alive. Definitely attractive.
Not only that it puts women at ease. The question “what does he want from me?” won’t come up, because it’s out in the open. It makes you more trustable, allows her to be more honest with you, and calms her. Um, SUPER attractive.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. It’s easy to talk about it. It’s a hell of a lot harder to actually DO it. And you’re absolutely right. People will condemn you…
…in the short term. But in the long term you’re living a life of integrity, of truth.
Blanton suggests these three action steps to actually PRACTICE being more honest. So you can release your Being from the prison of your mind:
STEP ONE. REVEAL THE FACTS: Any facts you’ve been withholding from someone, tell them about it. For example, if you cheated on someone, reveal that fact to them. This clears up the lies from your past. And it eliminates any false image of self you’ve been presenting to them.
STEP TWO. BE HONEST ABOUT CURRENT FEELINGS AND FACTS: Admit how you feel when you feel it. Speak secret judgments of others out loud. Reveal your shadow. Keeping the shadow inside, it persists and becomes a poison. Releasing it out into the open, it dies and keeps you clean. Like an internal bath.
STEP THREE. EXPOSE THE FICTION: This is the practice of demythologizing yourself. Praise yourself openly, rather than manipulate praise. Confess your putrid vanity. Admit you’re a liar. Admit you don’t know. And fend off the ego. Over and over and over again. It’s about fading egotism away. A battle that never ends.
And that’s exactly what the quote I wanted to share with you is about:
“At level three, you have to get over your new egotism about having made it to level three. Once you come off it two or three times and admit your pretentiousness, and you get to thinking you are pretty virtuous, you must then own up to the fact that owning up to the facts is not a virtue, just growth.” (page 79, “Radical Honesty”)
That quote completely shook me up.
As soon as you think you’re so great for telling the truth you’re back in the prison of the mind. It’s not about being “virtuous.” It’s about getting back to Being. And growing.
Absolutely love it.
I have written several posts criticizing the ‘nice guy’. I think the reasons you gave as to why honesty works with women is pretty spot on.
Some girls can sense the insincerity of nice guys, we’re aware you’re interacting with us because you’re attracted to us so ignoring the elephant in the room makes the guy come off as full of it, or weird even. Doesn’t matter if the guy has a good character and saves rainbows or builds shelters for puppies and just doesn’t know how to talk to women. We still think something is off with you with the whole ‘nice guy’ act. Why would you take the winding, side route to get to the sexy parts? There must be something wrong going on there. It’s a turn-off. If you are even on our radar at all. Unless the girl is really desperate and lonely or supershy herself. Or wants to use your niceness to wipe her feet on.
You don’t have to be a jerk about it, but when guys are honest, women at least know exactly where you’re coming from and what’s going on. And it makes you seem like a guy who is comfortable with who you are and what you’re about and that’s attractive.
I think I just rephrased everything you already said!
Ignoring the elephant in the room. Brilliant way of putting it.
Why take the winding side route? Exactly.
Just be honest.
I also like what you said: Otherwise you come off as “weird.” When you’re honest, at least she knows where you’re coming from. And it puts her at ease.
This is EXACTLY why so many “pickup artists” probably come off as so damn “weird.” They ignore the elephant in the room.
This COMPLETELY goes against “pickup artist” wisdom, but it’s so ON the money. The wisdom is to hide your interest. But the problem is just by the fact you’ve approached her, you show you’re interested. So, goddam it, be honest about it.
That doesn’t mean you kiss her ass. You can still create sexual tension by being willing to leave at anytime (and by NOT “cornering” her). But like you said, at least she KNOWS what the hell you want from her when you’re upfront. And now you can actually talk human being to human being. Nice.
The way you put things… and the fact it comes from a woman who’s obviously been approached a lot… illuminates things so much for us guys. Every time you write in I learn a shit load a lot. Thank-you!
Honesty is simple concept but it is attractive. Wow, thank you for sharing it.
Simple, but not as easy to do as you’d think. But I agree, it’s attractive. Not only attractive, but effective… because honesty seems to refresh relationships and help us get out from under our egos. Thanks for your kind comment.