Let’s say you’re standing in a bar talking with a girl. Where do you put your hands? How do you stand?
Put your hands to your sides. If you keep your arms at a 90 degree angle, it looks stiff. If you cross your arms, you block your heart. It’s defensive and closed. If you put your hands in your pocket, that’s also defensive.
However, if you keep your hands to your sides, it looks natural and RELAXED.
Relaxed = confidence.
It might feel uncomfortable having your hands at your sides at first. It’s like you want to do something with your hands. Try this trick.
Press your middle finger and thumb together.
It’s a trick that’s been around for awhile, and it works. It gives your hands something to do. It eliminates any nervous ticks. And it forces you to stand still and calm.
Same thing goes when you hold your drink. It’s not recommended to drink while you’re out approaching. You want your mind to be as clear as possible. Would you play chess when you’re buzzed? But let’s say you do order a beer or a glass of water or something. If you’re standing, how do you hold your drink?
Again, relax your arm. Don’t hold your drink in a way that blocks your heart. And don’t hold your arm at a 90 degree angle. It’s stiff. Hold your drink with your arm extended to your side. It’s more open. It’s relaxed. And you look the opposite of insecure… you look right at home.
When standing, the same idea of relaxation applies. Don’t stand with your weight perfectly distributed on your right and left foot.
DON’T stand like this – stiff
This makes you look like a stiff square. Instead, lean most of your weight on one foot, like in the picture below.
DO stand like this – relaxed
Again, it makes you look more natural and relaxed.
I wrote up a post about body language here. I’ve got a lot more tricks and tips there.
But whenever you’re in doubt, remember to relax. Keep your drink and your hands to your sides. When you relax, it makes the woman you’re talking with feel relaxed, too. You can’t seduce her unless she’s relaxed.
Cocky-funny, for those of you who don’t know, is the technique David DeAngelo made famous in his ebook “Double Your Dating.” The idea isn’t to kiss girls’ asses. It’s to play a certain character. A guy who’s cocky, and pushes the girl away, playfully.
Basically, it’s banter. But it’s magic when it comes to creating sexual tension.
Totally counter-intuitive, because you’d think being the perfect gentleman and being super-nice and perfect attracts chicks. Uh-uh. The reality is pushing her away, being the cocky guy who doesn’t take himself too seriously is what attracts women.
Especially when you first approach women. Banter. Within the first two sentences. You wouldn’t think it works. It’s scary because you think you’re being mean or something. But believe you me. It’s magic.
If you want to see cocky-funny in action, check out Han Solo with Leia, especially in Empire Strikes Back.
Or Rhett with Scarlett in Gone With the Wind.
Sexual tension, pulling her in and pushing her away and believing you’re the catch, is the key to creating attraction with women.
Great passage. Page 10 – 11 in Double Your Dating:
“Females select males most of the time in nature…
“Sooooooo… when talking to women… point out that you are the selector and not the selectee… It points out something to the woman that she’s most likely NEVER HEARD FROM A MAN IN HER ENTIRE LIFE.”
It’s such a simple, but profound insight in how to create attraction in women.
Later in the book David DeAngelo also says:
“(Helitzer) said (in “Comedy Writing Secrets”) that most of being funny is the CHARACTER and not the jokes.
“The lines didn’t much matter, as long as they fit in with the character. Now that I have created this CHARACTER for myself, things are all different. Women now call me. They pursue me. They want to be around me. It’s strange and magical and weird.”
PLAY the CHARACTER of THE SELECTOR, even if it’s a joke. She’ll be laughing (always good) while you’ve created this implicit dichotomy between you and her. You’re pretending to be the higher-than-her male. Even if it’s just pretend, she’s still accepted the she’s-chasing-you role, which sparks attraction in her (without her realizing it). You’re just playing like you’re a kid again in a sandbox, but spicing in these masculine, sexual-selector undertones.
Re-reading this always gives me a jolt, so I want to share it with you all, too.
One night, I watched her at the window in her sleep. I noticed for the first time, how a woman’s underclothes barely touches her skin. How it rides on a cushion of air as she moves. How the silk floats about her body, brushing her flesh like an angel’s wings, and I understood how a woman must be touched.
A while back I read about this experiment done at SUNY-Stony Brook. It gave me a huge “aha” moment. In fact, it was this insight that had helped my success rate with picking up women jump to a whole other level.
Arthur Aron. Credit: http://www.psychology.stonybrook.edu/aronlab-/
conducted the series of experiments. He wanted to find out what makes two people fall in love.
A man and a woman were put into a room together. Never met before. For 90 minutes.
Before they went into the room, Aron said to each person that the other person was going to like them. Then he instructed them to share intimate stuff, like embarrassing moments and how they’d feel if they lost a parent.
So, these two strangers are put in this room together and they’re sharing intimate info with each other.
Every so often, a researcher would come in and tell them to say what they liked about each other. They’d do that.
And every so often, a researcher would come in and tell them to gaze into each other’s eyes for about two minutes without talking. They’d do that.
At the end of the experiment, the two strangers left through separate doors. But many confessed to feeling deeply attracted, and close, to the other person. In fact, one of the couples actually even ended up getting married… and invited Aron to their wedding. Haha.
When I first read this, it helped me understand how to pickup women. This is what I took from it.
We need three things to feel those strong feelings of intimacy and love with another person.
FIRST… you need SEXUAL TENSION. I mean, if you don’t have sexual tension, you basically have a friend, right? And in that experiment, the eye gazing thing is so intimate, I can’t see how it wouldn’t some spark sexual tension. Confident body language helps, too. Confidence is sexy.
SECOND, you need MUTUAL SELF-DISCLOSURE. This is huge. When two people share deep, EMOTIONAL, stuff about themselves–not just talking about the weather–you’re no longer strangers. You’re no longer on the superficial level. You can’t help but experience an emotional connection.
Emphasis, by the way, is on MUTUAL. A guy can’t just do all the talking. And she can’t do all the talking either. BOTH people have to mutually self-disclose. And that leads to the third thing…
THIRD, you need to discover that the OTHER PERSON LIKES THEM. Appreciation is huuuuuuge. Do you think we get enough of it? I don’t. I know we humans like to criticize and find fault with each other. You don’t always hear people looking for the good in each other.
Aron actually thought that this was THE major factor that helped two people feel the feelings of falling in love. Discovering that the other person liked them. Isn’t that cool?
In pickup, what that means is DON’T just “DHV” (Demonstrate Higher Value) or do all the talking. Ask about her. Qualify. If you like what you hear, appreciate her. And state your interest. It’s CRUCIAL to attracting a girl.
When I first read this, I was fascinated because it seemed to corroborate the theory behind the Mystery Method.
The Mystery Method also states you need three things to create attraction with a woman on a pickup.
For those of you unfamiliar with the Mystery Method, let me share.
Mystery (often billed the world’s greatest pickup artist)
Mystery Credit: www.venusianarts.com
thought that the courtship process had a beginning, middle, and an end.
FIRST, you gotta ATTRACT a woman, SECOND, you gotta build COMFORT AND TRUST with her, and THIRD, you gotta SEDUCE her. In that order.
Seduce first, and you’re the creepy Player. Start in comfort… “so where are you from? Nice weather we’re having”… and you’re Mr. Nice Guy. Attract first, then you can ask her where she’s from. Build some comfort and trust, then you can seduce her. My post “Top Ten Mistakes Men Make With Women” covers this in detail.
Anyway, Mystery thought that the attract phase (the first phase) also had a beginning, middle, and an end.
Stay with me here…
Here’s the attract phase.
FIRST, OPEN a girl. Spark sexual tension through banter (Mystery calls it “negging”), kino (touch), and confident body language.
SECOND, DHV. That means self-disclose something about yourself. It lets her know what you’re about.
THIRD, QUALIFY. Ask about her. Now she self-discloses. Mutual self-disclosure, baby! After she talks, STATE YOUR INTEREST (if she seems cool). In other words, appreciate her. This lets her feel liked. And genuinely so, because you found something in her self-disclosure that honestly vibed with you. Nice.
Now you’re onto connecting, conversation, and comfort. Very nice.
In other words, in every pickup, you need sexual tension, mutual self-disclosure, and appreciation.
Following these three simple rules completely transformed my pickup into consistent success.
But if you REALLY wanna fall in love… connect physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually with her. If you find a woman you can do this with, you probably won’t have to pickup women anymore. You’ve probably found your match. Haha
The name of the book where I read about this experiment is called
3 things girls look for most in a man: a great smile, to be made to laugh, to feel a connection.
~Mystery, from a Fall 1998 post.
From: Mystery’s Field Reports from 1998-2006, gotten as a bonus with the book “Revelations” from Venusianarts.com. The Reports were written before Mystery invented The Mystery Method while he was learning about women.
In this quote, he was still figuring out how to be successful with women. During a game called “Hot Seat” with some girls at a party, they said this to him. It gave him an “aha” moment.
1. Showing too much sexual interest (Starting in Seduction): “The Creepy Guy”
A lot of guys show sexual interest in a woman before they attract and qualify her. They make it obvious to a woman they’re only interested in taking sex from her, without any regard to her as a person. It’s as if they say, “You don’t know me, wanna have sex?” Rather than be a getter, why not be a giver? Before seducing her, it’s best to let her see what you’re about, bring her some joy, and build comfort and trust. That way, you’ve built sexual interest in her as well.
2. Being too Nice (Starting in Comfort): “The Nice Guy”
On the opposite end, other men focus on not being a sexual threat and only building comfort. They’ll say things like “So, where are you from? Do you come here often?” before the woman knows anything about who this guy is. Share yourself first, and that will make her feel more comfortable sharing herself with you. And keeping the conversation fact-based is artificial. It’s best to make her FEEL first. Ironically, “The Nice Guy” technique still telegraphs sexual interest. He’s still trying to “get” but in hidden way. Giving favors, gifts, compliments, early protestations of love, and being afraid to rock the boat isn’t really giving because something is expected in return. It’s okay to be a sexual threat. In fact, to create sexual tension you need to be.
3. Not qualifying or listening (Attracting but No Comfort): “The Player”
When a man attracts a woman first, but skips comfort, and goes straight for the sex, he becomes a player. This has three major drawbacks.
a. Buyer’s Remorse. If you a rush a woman into sex too soon, she may regret it. So, avoid making out with her, especially if you’re in the club, and don’t lead her into the bathroom stall, unless all you want is a one night stand. It’s better to push her away: “We shouldn’t do this here.” Showing constraint is attractive. It also creates comfort and trust with her and increases sexual desire in her as a result. So, kiss her, but push her away. After you’ve built enough comfort, sexually arouse her in PRIVATE.
b. She feels manipulated. For us, it can feel intoxicating when a woman shows interest in us. Before we protest our interest in her though, let her win us over first. Let her show us what she’s about. Let her EARN being with us. Let her WORK for us. After all, you don’t want to sleep with just anyone, do you? If you like who she is as a person, then show interest in her as a person. If we don’t do this, she may feel like she’s just a body and that we just go for anyone. Besides, who values handouts? A player is smooth but rushes to sex. A Venuisan Artist doesn’t push for sex, but gets her to work for us first.
c. Her guard comes up. If you cross the line into seduction too early without listening to her, spending a few hours with her (between 4-10 hours–7 hours on average), bouncing her to different locations, showing a vulnerable, honest side, connecting, laughing, touching comfortably, showing constraint, she will feel uncomfortable with your seducing her. Most likely, she’ll resist. Don’t make sex the priority. Build comfort and trust with her first. By not pouncing, she’ll more likely pounce you.
4. Not Touching Her (Attracting but Stuck in Comfort): “The Friend Zone”
On the opposite end, if a man spends too much time in comfort, he’ll get stuck in the friend zone. This usually happens when we don’t kino her. When we don’t kino, often it’s because we don’t want to “offend.” We won’t “offend” if we’re the friendly guy who speaks with his hands and touches everyone, not just the target. High-fives, hugs, hand-shakes, arm taps are accepted public forms of touch. In a discreet way, also squeeze her hand and see if she squeezes back. If she does, play with her fingers but then drop her hands. This slips sexual feeling into the interaction without being overt about it. When alone, touch her leg with yours, smell her neck, brush a hair from her face to match the gradual escalation of emotional intimacy. Touch eliminates the friend zone.
5. Not creating sexual tension (Balance Indicators of Interest with Disinterest)
The “sexual” part of sexual tension comes from taking on the role of a dominant man interacting with a “cute” girl. The “tension” comes from the conflict of play-fighting. Tension is also the feeling of “what will happen next?” To the girl, this is exciting. She feels challenged–her pretty face for once isn’t sufficient to win over this guy. So, we must show disinterest: for example, walk away at the height of an interaction, or make her laugh with a neg instead of giving her a predictable compliment. We must also show interest too: for example smile, touch, show her appreciation when it’s deserved. In this way, we communicate with the woman inside her, not with with her polite, artificial social persona. Play-fight with her. Dominant man versus “cute” girl. This sparks sexual tension, and attraction, in her.
6. Trying Too Hard
Here are some examples of trying too hard: showing off, bragging, exaggerating accomplishments, asking a million questions, not allowing any silences, spending loads of money, entertaining her, trying to make her laugh constantly, getting interested in her way too fast, investing all our energies in one girl. Way too exhausting. The best pickup artists not only hunt, they farm. Go after one girl, get nothing. Go after 10 girls; get 7 awesome pivots and 3 lays (the best of the bunch, of course). You can only choose from the women who choose you. That means if you want to have choice, you have to be the man who talks to a lot of women. How can a girl chase us if we plant our feet in front of her and never move? Lie back and roll off. You’re the prize. Let the woman chase you. Jealousy plotlines can be an integral way to make the most beautiful women chase you.
7. Not Being Prepared
Generating a conversation out of thin air with complete strangers isn’t an easy task, so having some icebreakers prepared helps. Whip out a cheat sheet and fill it with negs, kino (write out the kino, however mundane, with negs and DHVs like stage directions), DHVs, and qualifiers. You’ll need enough material to engage a woman for 25 to 40 minutes, though ultimately you’ll need to fill 7 hours. Of that time, only the first few minutes should be A-2 material. Once we’ve hooked a woman, qualify her. We’ll stale out a set if we over-attract without having her work to attract us. We also demonstrate cluelessness about how to read a woman. Being prepared also means getting into the right state, which is a playful, positive, talkative state. Also, knowing where to bounce girls, and having logistics handled, is part of being prepared, as well as being groomed, clean, having condoms, and gum. Practice in the mirror before going out if you have to, it lends a degree of self-awareness in the field. And when you’re ready for that woman of particular beauty, forget everything and be in the moment. Ironically, preparation makes flow possible.
8. Being Too Logical and Factual
Showing off our intellect doesn’t create attraction. Our intellect speaks to her logic, not her emotions. Not smiling, keeping a monotone, factual voice, and being silent altogether doesn’t create attraction either. Where’s the juice? Women respond much more to a man who smiles and who’s expressive. This shows warmth and feeling. Women would rather feel. Rather than explain, or talk about facts and logic, or be overly serious, talk about emotional subjects, play with her, sweep her up into your arms and dance, talk about things that light you up. Passion and enthusiasm are aphrodisiacs for women. When you’re enthusiastic about something, she’ll be swept up in those good feelings and won’t want to part from them. Make a woman feel wonderful. She’ll associate feeling wonderful with you.
9. Demonstrating Lower Value
When we portray ourselves in a lower-value way with women, it kills her attraction for us. The way we portray ourselves begins in our thoughts. Instead of focusing on our insecurities in our thoughts, highlight strengths and accomplishments. Then when we’re talking with women, our positive light will naturally shine through, which increases her attraction for us. As a side note, self-deprecating humor only works when everyone is aware of one’s strengths. It becomes a form of humility, which is attractive. But when we self-deprecate without our strengths to contrast it with, it’s uncomfortable. So, why not meditate on our strengths in our thoughts? That way we grow into men of the highest value, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
10. Fearing What She Thinks of You
Who cares what she might think of us? For that matter, who cares what anyone might think of us? All the great pickup artists seem to have one thing in common: social freedom. It’s so much more attractive to walk through the world without fear, especially without the fear of losing other people’s approval. “Approval” from others is flimsy, “approval” from within is solid. More important than getting the girl is serving a deeper purpose than women, and keeping focus on that purpose to its end with all of our hearts. Women can be sunshine in our lives, beautiful and inspiring, but true freedom comes not from getting her or from clinging to her, but from bringing our light into the world. The byproduct, not the goal, is we become a supremely attractive man to women, a man of particular value.