It’s almost as if all you need to be a better lover is do what most guys don’t do.
Yeah, great. Thanks for that stellar insight. But what EXACTLY does that mean?
Spend MORE TIME turning her on and working her up.
If you wait to penetrate her, making her WANT you to penetrate her, by the time you penetrate her she’s already probably pretty close to orgasm.
Like, picture a graph. 0 is her picking her toenails and 10 is orgasm. If you wait to penetrate her when she’s at a 9 (or even a 10), it makes it more likely she’ll come while you’re fucking her. Right?
But I shouldn’t even mention penetration. Get penetration outta your mind. In fact, pretend you don’t have a dick. Pretend you’re a lesbian.
Okay, now that you got penetration out of the way, guess what her largest sexual organ is? HINT: it ain’t her pussy or her tits. It’s her BRAIN and her HEART. So, instead of stimulating her pussy, stimulate her feelings.
Stimulate Her Feelings
That means, first of all, start sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom. With your clothes on.
It’s weird, I know. But women get turned on different from us. We’re like a light switch. We see a nice ass. BAM! Okay, ready to go. Let’s get it on.
Women are more like a pot of water, though. Water doesn’t go from room temperature to boiling right away. You gotta keep it over the heat a little while. When it’s heated up, holy shit, it’s boiling. Niiiiiiice! So, spend more time making her feel good, desired, taken care of, loved, beautiful.
Drive out to the country. Go for a walk in a park. Have dinner at a romantic restaurant. Send her a text telling her you can’t wait to see her. Open the car door for her. Tell her she looks beautiful.
Here’s probably the most important part. Make her feel RELAXED and SAFE as well as make her feel BEAUTIFUL. And never EVER be judgmental. If you make her feel like shit, or like she’s undesirable and if she doesn’t feel relaxed or good around you, sex (and ESPECIALLY her orgasm) ain’t gonna happen.
To make her feel safe, first of all, be comfortable with sex yourself.
Second of all, never pass any sexual judgment.
Stay away from saying things like, “that’s weird” or “that’s gross.” No. It’s all good. You’re not afraid of sex. You’re totally comfortable with it. She’ll feel more safe to let go if you are. She knows you’re not going to laugh at her or pass judgment if her body’s shaking or she’s making those glorious sounds you hear only when she’s over the top.
When you think about it, it’s scary to let go. So, you gotta be man enough to catch her. In fact, you can even tell her, “I got you baby. I got you.”
And to make her feel relaxed, give her a massage, hold her, hug her. Put on some candles, some music, set the mood. A glass of wine doesn’t hurt either.
You ain’t going no where. You’re gonna take your time. If she doesn’t feel relaxed and safe, she’s not gonna reach the summit.
And another great tip I recently learned from author Tom Leonardi is: massage her legs, her feet,
her ass, her back. Guys rarely do this. Not only does it turn you and her on, but it goes a long way to relaxing her, too.
Finally, express yourself. Don’t be all silent. Make sounds. If you wanna yell, yell. If you wanna say “I wanna fuck you so hard,” fucking say it. If you want your dick sucked, tell her “I want you to suck my dick.” Communication doesn’t magically evaporate once you’re in bed. You MUST communicate even more when you’re IN bed.
And, let’s be honest here, what guy wants to be with a woman who’s all silent? Who wants to be with a pancake? Doesn’t it turn you on when you hear a woman making sounds of ecstasy and talking dirty? I know it does for me. And I know girls love it, too. When she hears us enjoying ourselves, it turns her on just like it turns us on. BONUS… it keeps her mind from wondering. It keeps her mind in the present moment.
Oh, and speaking of the “present moment,” making eye contact with her while you’re fucking her is AWESOME. It’s awesome, because you connect with her not just on a physical level, but on an emotional and even spiritual level, too.
So, after this largest sexual organ, guess what her second largest sexual organ is? Still not her pussy or her tits. Haha It’s her SKIN all over.
Stimulate Her Skin
Stimulate ALL of her skin.
Explore all of her body, no matter how “non-sexual.” For example, biting (LIGHTLY) the crease of her inner elbow can be a major turn on.
And speaking of biting, you don’t have to just kiss or lick. You can bite, lightly scratch, blow, suck… It’s like you’re this artist with a palette of tools and colors to work with. But DON’T put your dick in her right away. Enjoy, man even savor, this beautiful woman right here, right now, right in front of you. It’s fucking amazing.
Foreplay isn’t separate from sex. It IS sex.
I learned these lessons from Tom Leonardi, Alex Allman, David Shade, Mirabelle Summers, Gabrielle Moore, and Ellen Eatough.
Ever picked up a smokin’ hot woman from a club, but then you see her the next morning without her makeup? Well, if she still looks hot,
nice. If not,
AHHHHHHHHHH!
Well, there are ton of pickup artists out there who’ve memorized lots of gambits to attract women. And they work. But what happens the next day when he’s run out of gambits?
Exactly.
He’s like a woman who relies ONLY on her makeup to attract men. Don’t be the women who’s skin deep! Know who you are. Get an identity.
But how does one get an identity? How does a guy get to know who he is?
Now, that is a great question. And I haven’t the slightest clue. So, that”s why I’m writing this post. To find out.
I just looked up the word identity. It comes from the Latin identificare, “to make the same as.”
Okay, so maybe one way to begin the process is like that verse from the Bible. “Where your treasure is, there your heart will also be.” (Matthew 6:21) Finding what you naturally love says something about where your heart is. It’s like you make yourself the same as that thing.
Also, the ancient Greeks had this idea that there are basically four types of people in the world. Discovering your “type” might be a step to getting to know who you are better.
Then there’s Confucius: “The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.” Love it. Not backing down from friction and trials might be another way?
If so, here’s four possible ways a guy might get clearer on his identity, to get some substance behind the mask.
Possible Way #1: THE ACTIVITY YOU DO MOST OFTEN
Aristotle: “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.” That’s from his Nicomachean Ethics. What activity do you enjoy doing the most? That brings the DEEPEST FULFILLMENT. The thing that lights you up and you could do for HOURS. This might be your “treasure.” And your identity.
Possible Way #2: PERSONALITY TYPE
Jung, like the ancient Greeks, thought there were 4 types of people in the world. The ancient Greek idea, systemized by Hippocrates into the first medical theory, was that there were four elements in the universe, four humors in the body, and four temperaments in a human being. These were the four temperaments:
Sanguine: Impulsive, pleasure-seeking, charismatic, boisterous. They like to be the center of attention. They tend to get distracted easily, and lose interest when something stops being fun. Talkative, not shy. They almost have a shameless nature. They’d make great show people.
Cholera: Ambitious, leader-like, aggressive, assertive, not afraid of confrontation. They can dominate people. They don’t make the best listeners, and they’re not super-patient or super-empathetic. They’re swift to action, but can be disorganized. They’d make great CEOs.
Melancholy: The thinkers and analyzers. They don’t mind being by themselves to contemplate. They can be indecisive, and can get worried or sad. They’d make the best professors or psychologists.
Phlegm: Relaxed, calm, quiet, supportive, empathetic, these are the peace-makers. They’re good listeners, but don’t like confrontation and can be taken advantage of. They make great poets, artists, and lovers.
Jung’s idea seems to update Hippocrates’ idea. Jung thought each of us have all four types within us. But we’re born with a leading temperament. Here’s a quick test to find out which temperament is your “home.”
Question #1: When you need to recharge your batteries, do you seek solitude or the energy of being among lots of people? Introverts prefer solitude or a few close friends (the inner-world), extroverts prefer the energy of other people (the outer-world).
Question #2: Do you think you’re more rational or emotional? For example, when making a decision about something, would you sit down and make a pro/con list, or would you rely on what feels best?
Question #3: Here are the four personality types. Which do YOU think describes you the best? Not what others may think you are, but what YOU think you are.
Red = see Cholera
Yellow = see Sanguine
Blue = see Melancholy
Green = see Phlegm
So, that’s your leading temperament. The temperament you were born with. That’s home.
Now, here’s the thing. On the circle above, the temperament that’s diagonal from you is your least dominant temperament. Jung would say this is the weakest part of your personality. And he would say that to become a more integrated human being you must strengthen that weakest part in you.
So, for example, if you’re a green personality, your strength is your empathy, but your weakness might be issues with assertiveness, where the red personality is strongest. One task would be to incorporate more of that “red” energy in you, to learn to be more assertive. Likewise, if you lead with red, your strength is your assertiveness, but one task would be to incorporate more calmness and empathy, the “green” energy. Ultimately, we must find balance between all four temperaments.
We also have a secondary and a third temperament. It’s very unusual for your weakest temperament be secondary. If your opposite temperament is your secondary you’re either insane or a genius. Haha
Anyway, this is just a quick test. And as with any labeling system, they are labels. Human constructions that help us to sort, organize and understand. But they’re not reality. This system can help us get to know ourselves though. And it helps us to see others who are different than us NOT as inferior, but as simply different. It can help us get to know the women we meet better, too. Bonus.
Possible Way #3: THE SEXY STEREOTYPE
There’s this great suggestion from Brad P about the “sexy stereotype.” Have you heard about it? In case you haven’t, it goes something like this. Find a sexy “type” girls love, and that you’d like to become, and copy his fashion.
You might feel like you have the rocker type inside you.
Copy his fashion. Maybe you want to be the motor cycle guy with a leather jacket.
Copy his fashion. Or the rapper type.
Copy his fashion. Or the Latin Lover type.
Or the successful businessman/professional type.
Or the artist type.
Or whatever “sexy type” women swoon for. And you secretly say to yourself “I’m kinda like that.”
Copy his fashion.
Okay, so this is a great way to fix fashion problems, sure. But also, it’s an ingenious way to discover your identity, too.
You could also ask who your hero is. Real-life or fiction. Someone you look up to. Emulate him until you bring that hero out from within yourself.
Oh, and screw what anyone else says about what “type” you wanna become. SCREW em. If they laugh at you and say you “can’t,” screw em screw em screw em. This is about YOU and how YOU view yourself. They don’t know you. But finding a type that’s like you, you’ll begin to see yourself.
What about the Seducer type? Can the seducer or pickup artist type be an identity? I don’t see why not, except for one condition.
If “getting” women is the source of your fulfillment, it’s weak. You’re looking outside for your happiness. Anything “external”–fame, glory, money, power, or recognition–change. So, if those outside forces change, what happens. Right. You fall.
But what’s “internal”… that part of us that’s been with us all our life, and that was probably there before birth, and after death, is sturdy. It’s unchanging. If we build an identity here, when outside forces change, we’re still left standing. Jesuit priest Tony DeMello’s book “Awareness/Way to Love” taught me this.
Awesome book. Highly recommended.
Anyway, the point is, if a guy were to make “seducer” or “pickup artist” his identity, he’s better off NOT making women the target, but himself.
Rembrandt Van Rijn (1606-1669), Winter Landscape (c. 1649). In the Fogg Art Museum at Harvard University.
I took this drawing from Betty Edward’s book “Drawing on The Right Side of The Brain” (p. 23). In it, she makes the point that we not only see the “objective” scene Rembrandt was trying to portray, but we also sense Rembrandt’s emotional response to it. We see through the landscape to Rembrandt himself. She then quotes a Zen master-archer Herrigel:
“The art of archery is not an athletic ability mastered more or less through physical practice, but rather a skill with its object consisting in mentally hitting the mark. Therefore, the archer is basically aiming for himself. Through this, perhaps, he will succeed in hitting the target–his essential self.”
You could say the same thing about learning to become a seducer. It’s a skill. The real object is not “getting” women, but self-awareness.
Possible Way #4: BUILDING YOUR CHARACTER
This is my favorite. When there’s something we think is impossible for us to do, do it anyway. Nice. Like, if you’ve always done fifteen pull-ups and twenty seems impossible, go for twenty anyway. We might “fail” but fuck it. We grow! And find our excellence. So, here’s five ways we might build character:
A. PUSH OUR LIMITS: For example, approaching women. Traveling alone to unfamiliar places. Standing up for yourself. Doing that extra pull up. Taking on a project that’s slightly above your skill level.
Formula: Something you think is just slightly out of reach… slightly higher than your skill level… go for it. You’ll find your “high point.”
When you think about it, our life is defined by our moments of excellence, it’s not defined by the moments when we do grocery shopping or watch TV. Michael Jordan’s greatness is defined by the moments where he pushed the limits. When we push our limits, that’s when we touch greatness.
B. TAKE ON LEADERSHIP ROLES: Even if it’s as simple as a group of people not knowing where they want to eat, saying we’re going here is practicing leadership.
C. TAKE ON NEW ACTIVITIES: Starting a new workout and sticking with it for 90 days. Enrolling in a class, like cooking or dancing or writing or carpentry. Joining a sports team. Fixing the car or something in the house. Giving to charity. Working with a soup kitchen. They exercise your mind. Which makes us evolve.
D. RESILIENCE: When something gets tough, don’t give up. Keep going. Rejection by a girl. Whateva! Instead of taking it personally, what’s the lesson we gotta learn?
Whenever there’s pain, don’t blame the other person. If the pain is a girl rejecting us, for example, instead of saying she’s a bitch, look at yourself. What could I have done better? I learned this from Neil Strauss. He said it was one of the secrets to his success as a pickup artist. Pain = there’s a lesson trying to wake us up.
Also, I heard Eben Pagan, the man behind David DeAngelo, once say something in the copy for his “Get Altitude” program that really stuck with me. He said the difference between stars and non-stars is the difference between cause and effect. Stars see themselves as a cause in the world. Non-stars see themselves as victims. If you see yourself as a cause in a painful situation instead of as an effect, you become someone that makes things happen in the world, instead of the world happening to you. A shepherd, not a sheep.
And besides, being unfazed by dissonance, by pain, is a practice of strength. Nothing is ever a big deal. Let me repeat that. NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING, is EVER a big deal. Heeeeell, no. Whatever comes up, you can handle it.
E. FOCUS/PURPOSE: Ahhhhh. My favorite. Discover your deepest gifts and give them to the world. Everyone has a gift to give to the world. Okay, well then, how do we discover our deepest gifts? Challenge is one way. But solitude is another. In solitude, ask yourself over and over again what is my purpose in this life? A quiet voice within will answer.
But discovery is only the beginning. Giving those gifts is the next step. And giving despite getting shit on for giving. Ever noticed how no one has succeeded in bringing light into the world? Socrates, killed. Jesus, crucified. Martin Luther King, Jr., shot. But give anyway.
This is my favorite, because not only do you discover who you truly are, but you step outside the “self” to give to the wider world in some small way.
Anyway, this is a starter at least for how a guy can get clearer on his identity. I’m working on these myself Just writing about it invigorates me because it reminds me what’s most important in life.
So, identity. It’s not just about attracting women. I mean, it definitely helps. Hell, yeah. But even better, it’s about becoming excellent for its own sake.
And, hey, meeting hot women in the process…
Jennifer Walcott
thumbs up. Leaving her better off than we found her?
Pure joy. There’s nothing wrong with gambits, as long as you know who you are underneath.
3 things girls look for most in a man: a great smile, to be made to laugh, to feel a connection.
~Mystery, from a Fall 1998 post.
From: Mystery’s Field Reports from 1998-2006, gotten as a bonus with the book “Revelations” from Venusianarts.com. The Reports were written before Mystery invented The Mystery Method while he was learning about women.
In this quote, he was still figuring out how to be successful with women. During a game called “Hot Seat” with some girls at a party, they said this to him. It gave him an “aha” moment.
I’ve been having the most success with women I’ve ever had in my life. So, I had to ask myself WHY? What the hell happened? I’m basically the same person. What changed? The answer that came to me was that if I never had gotten out into the field I wouldn’t have grown.
Practice is the way to success with women. Practice, reflecting, and having a solid resource. Theoretical knowledge of seduction by itself is like 5% of the battle. With practice it can be useful, but practicing and learning from the field is the way to success.
Because I’m a junior coach at VenusianArts.com and I knew I’d have to get evaluated by Mystery and I’d have to clock in between 500-1000 approaches, I made it a habit to get out into the field and practice. It was like committing to an exercise program for 90 days.
I’d practice not just in bars and clubs but with any and every woman I’d meet throughout the day, cashiers, waitresses, even old ladies, whatever. I busted my ass figuring out a structure to use, so I wouldn’t be just an asshole going up to a woman flapping my mouth without a direction. I practiced in the mirror. I kept track of my approaches and referred to a resource to help me understand where I was going right and where I was going wrong.
For the first 3-4 months it was painful. In my opinion, pickup can be one of the hardest things someone can do because of the emotional pain of rejection one has to endure. But I pushed through the pain and kept approaching. Soon, I discovered that banter, self-disclosure, qualification, and kino were the key to success. And soon, practicing became fun.
But if I had never gotten out and failed over and over again with women, I would not be where I am now. I thank God for all those failures. Because they were my best teachers. Believe me, I’ve got ample room for growth. But practicing being more successful with women seems to have been the key to the success I’m finally having with women. There are no short cuts. Discipline is freedom.
“I needed to let her know that unlike every other guy in the bar, I am not and will not be intimidated by her looks. Beauty to me was now a shit test: It weeded out the losers who got dumbstruck by it.”
(page 152, “The Game,” by Neil Strauss)
These three sentences are the key to success in the game.
The whole purpose of:
The Neg… a flirting line. It says “I’m not interested in getting in your pants.” Breaks her “elitist” facade she might have because of her beauty. Makes you into a challenge. And makes her laugh.
The DHV… a conversation piece. Self-discloses something cool about yourself, so she knows who she’s talking with. You’re not talking about her beauty or “getting in her pants.” You’re talking with her like a person. No Interview where you ask her a million questions. And no small talk like the weather, or “what do you do.” You have something fun to share, and it has emotional appeal.
The Qualifier… a question. It says “I’m less interested in your looks than who you are as a person.” And it gets her talking and investing in the interaction.
…is to not get bamboozled by a beautiful woman’s beauty, but to talk with her as a human being. You’re stronger than the gravitational pull of her beauty. Because her outer beauty is just a facade.
This is adapted from an article I read by Mirabelle Summers. She thought even though every woman is different there were five universal guidelines to follow in giving any woman pleasure:
1. Your attention goes on HER, not on you
• Don’t get bogged down by goals like “I need to give her an orgasm” or “I need to last all night.” In that scenario, you’re placing attention on you, not on her. Instead, pay attention to her subtle responses and adapt to them—like a good listener in a conversation.
• Take care or her before you take care of yourself. After all, it takes longer for her to get warmed up than for us. As the saying goes, men are like light switches–flip them and we’re ready to go. Women are like pots of water–they need time to boil. So, warm her up before pleasing yourself. And it doesn’t start in the bedroom. It starts outside with how you treat her. Make her feel beautiful and wanted… the water has already started to boil.
• Focus on what works for her, not on your pride (i.e. “I need to be the best ever”). This attitude of putting aside your pride, according to her, will put you in the sexual elite of men.
2. ALL women are DIFFERENT
• For every woman, the rule book is written afresh. So take the time to discover what THIS SPECIFIC woman HERE AND NOW prefers.
• To complicate things further, the same woman’s preferences also changes from moment to moment—so pay attention to her changes of mood and adjust accordingly.
3. Communicate and Pay Attention
• Observe her to figure out what’s working or not. For example, if she’s flat and quiet, change what you’re doing or take a step back, tell her she’s beautiful, and ask how she’s feeling. But if her back is arching, her legs are opening further, she’s moaning and panting, DON’T STOP THE RHYTHM–keep doing what you’re doing (unless of course you wanna tease her little before she explodes…observe the cat playing with the mouse hehehe)
• Verbal Communication: ASK if she likes what you’re doing. She’ll appreciate this—a lot. I’ve talked to women about this and they said they wished guys would do this more often. They all say it would make her comfortable enough to tell us what she likes or doesn’t like. It also shows you have the BALLS—and humility—to ask. And the fact you want to please her and not just yourself, will make you stand out in her mind. Also, asking/talking to her prevents her mind from wondering and keeps her in the present moment, which will get her closer to mind-blowing bliss.
• Non-Verbal Communication: for example, if you’re fingering her, place her hand in your palm and ask her to trace circles on your palm. Follow her rhythm. If she presses on your palm, apply pressure. If she eases pressure, ease pressure. You can even can say, “Hey, squeeze my hand if you like how this feels.” This is VERY effective, especially if you have a girl who’s on the shy side to talk in bed.
4. Anticipation
* You know that long, slow vertical climb on a roller coaster? The anticipation of the drop makes your heart beats faster? Then when you reach the peak, you surrender to the drop and scream with excitement. That feeling of anticipation is what you want to build inside her.
• 75% of her enjoyment comes from her MIND
• Soooooo…build a YEARNING within her MIND AND body.
• DO NOT go straight to her obvious sexual parts or to intercourse. Take a detour, maybe slowly tracing patterns on her skin. OR lean in for a kiss, but don’t kiss her. OR when she’s about to cum, back off and let her finish when YOU want to. TAKE YOUR FUCKING TIME before going anywhere near her vagina.
• Make her BEG for it. Make her LONG for it. Make her ACHE for it. Once you enter her, she’ll be so close to orgasm already that making her cum is a cinch. Man, women love this shit…they take pleasure in the process, not the goal. Actually, you know what? Now that I’ve been doing this, I so much prefer it this way, too. I mean, wouldn’t you prefer to enjoy the taste of your food making the experience last rather than wolfing it down?
5. No Performance
• Don’t be perfect. When you watch sex on the big screen it looks all perfect and serious with violins playing in the background, but you don’t have to mimic that. Have you ever seen the way your face looks during sex? It ain’t pretty. I’ve also fallen off the bed, bumped heads—there’s a lot of funny clumsy shit that happens during sex. We all know how much women love to laugh and how much that turns them on. So why stop when you’re in bed with her (or on the kitchen table or wherever you are)? Play, laugh, have fun, talk during sex. It doesn’t have to be this big dramatic thing where all of a sudden you’re not allowed to talk or look each in the eye anymore. WTF, right?
• Put aside the ego. You’re going to fuck-up. So fucking what? How else are you going to learn? Roll with it and move on. More important than “performing,” is leading her, discovering new lands together. That attitude takes a lot of pressure off you and makes us less self-conscious. And without that self-consciousness, now we can make some art.
1. Showing too much sexual interest (Starting in Seduction): “The Creepy Guy”
A lot of guys show sexual interest in a woman before they attract and qualify her. They make it obvious to a woman they’re only interested in taking sex from her, without any regard to her as a person. It’s as if they say, “You don’t know me, wanna have sex?” Rather than be a getter, why not be a giver? Before seducing her, it’s best to let her see what you’re about, bring her some joy, and build comfort and trust. That way, you’ve built sexual interest in her as well.
2. Being too Nice (Starting in Comfort): “The Nice Guy”
On the opposite end, other men focus on not being a sexual threat and only building comfort. They’ll say things like “So, where are you from? Do you come here often?” before the woman knows anything about who this guy is. Share yourself first, and that will make her feel more comfortable sharing herself with you. And keeping the conversation fact-based is artificial. It’s best to make her FEEL first. Ironically, “The Nice Guy” technique still telegraphs sexual interest. He’s still trying to “get” but in hidden way. Giving favors, gifts, compliments, early protestations of love, and being afraid to rock the boat isn’t really giving because something is expected in return. It’s okay to be a sexual threat. In fact, to create sexual tension you need to be.
3. Not qualifying or listening (Attracting but No Comfort): “The Player”
When a man attracts a woman first, but skips comfort, and goes straight for the sex, he becomes a player. This has three major drawbacks.
a. Buyer’s Remorse. If you a rush a woman into sex too soon, she may regret it. So, avoid making out with her, especially if you’re in the club, and don’t lead her into the bathroom stall, unless all you want is a one night stand. It’s better to push her away: “We shouldn’t do this here.” Showing constraint is attractive. It also creates comfort and trust with her and increases sexual desire in her as a result. So, kiss her, but push her away. After you’ve built enough comfort, sexually arouse her in PRIVATE.
b. She feels manipulated. For us, it can feel intoxicating when a woman shows interest in us. Before we protest our interest in her though, let her win us over first. Let her show us what she’s about. Let her EARN being with us. Let her WORK for us. After all, you don’t want to sleep with just anyone, do you? If you like who she is as a person, then show interest in her as a person. If we don’t do this, she may feel like she’s just a body and that we just go for anyone. Besides, who values handouts? A player is smooth but rushes to sex. A Venuisan Artist doesn’t push for sex, but gets her to work for us first.
c. Her guard comes up. If you cross the line into seduction too early without listening to her, spending a few hours with her (between 4-10 hours–7 hours on average), bouncing her to different locations, showing a vulnerable, honest side, connecting, laughing, touching comfortably, showing constraint, she will feel uncomfortable with your seducing her. Most likely, she’ll resist. Don’t make sex the priority. Build comfort and trust with her first. By not pouncing, she’ll more likely pounce you.
4. Not Touching Her (Attracting but Stuck in Comfort): “The Friend Zone”
On the opposite end, if a man spends too much time in comfort, he’ll get stuck in the friend zone. This usually happens when we don’t kino her. When we don’t kino, often it’s because we don’t want to “offend.” We won’t “offend” if we’re the friendly guy who speaks with his hands and touches everyone, not just the target. High-fives, hugs, hand-shakes, arm taps are accepted public forms of touch. In a discreet way, also squeeze her hand and see if she squeezes back. If she does, play with her fingers but then drop her hands. This slips sexual feeling into the interaction without being overt about it. When alone, touch her leg with yours, smell her neck, brush a hair from her face to match the gradual escalation of emotional intimacy. Touch eliminates the friend zone.
5. Not creating sexual tension (Balance Indicators of Interest with Disinterest)
The “sexual” part of sexual tension comes from taking on the role of a dominant man interacting with a “cute” girl. The “tension” comes from the conflict of play-fighting. Tension is also the feeling of “what will happen next?” To the girl, this is exciting. She feels challenged–her pretty face for once isn’t sufficient to win over this guy. So, we must show disinterest: for example, walk away at the height of an interaction, or make her laugh with a neg instead of giving her a predictable compliment. We must also show interest too: for example smile, touch, show her appreciation when it’s deserved. In this way, we communicate with the woman inside her, not with with her polite, artificial social persona. Play-fight with her. Dominant man versus “cute” girl. This sparks sexual tension, and attraction, in her.
6. Trying Too Hard
Here are some examples of trying too hard: showing off, bragging, exaggerating accomplishments, asking a million questions, not allowing any silences, spending loads of money, entertaining her, trying to make her laugh constantly, getting interested in her way too fast, investing all our energies in one girl. Way too exhausting. The best pickup artists not only hunt, they farm. Go after one girl, get nothing. Go after 10 girls; get 7 awesome pivots and 3 lays (the best of the bunch, of course). You can only choose from the women who choose you. That means if you want to have choice, you have to be the man who talks to a lot of women. How can a girl chase us if we plant our feet in front of her and never move? Lie back and roll off. You’re the prize. Let the woman chase you. Jealousy plotlines can be an integral way to make the most beautiful women chase you.
7. Not Being Prepared
Generating a conversation out of thin air with complete strangers isn’t an easy task, so having some icebreakers prepared helps. Whip out a cheat sheet and fill it with negs, kino (write out the kino, however mundane, with negs and DHVs like stage directions), DHVs, and qualifiers. You’ll need enough material to engage a woman for 25 to 40 minutes, though ultimately you’ll need to fill 7 hours. Of that time, only the first few minutes should be A-2 material. Once we’ve hooked a woman, qualify her. We’ll stale out a set if we over-attract without having her work to attract us. We also demonstrate cluelessness about how to read a woman. Being prepared also means getting into the right state, which is a playful, positive, talkative state. Also, knowing where to bounce girls, and having logistics handled, is part of being prepared, as well as being groomed, clean, having condoms, and gum. Practice in the mirror before going out if you have to, it lends a degree of self-awareness in the field. And when you’re ready for that woman of particular beauty, forget everything and be in the moment. Ironically, preparation makes flow possible.
8. Being Too Logical and Factual
Showing off our intellect doesn’t create attraction. Our intellect speaks to her logic, not her emotions. Not smiling, keeping a monotone, factual voice, and being silent altogether doesn’t create attraction either. Where’s the juice? Women respond much more to a man who smiles and who’s expressive. This shows warmth and feeling. Women would rather feel. Rather than explain, or talk about facts and logic, or be overly serious, talk about emotional subjects, play with her, sweep her up into your arms and dance, talk about things that light you up. Passion and enthusiasm are aphrodisiacs for women. When you’re enthusiastic about something, she’ll be swept up in those good feelings and won’t want to part from them. Make a woman feel wonderful. She’ll associate feeling wonderful with you.
9. Demonstrating Lower Value
When we portray ourselves in a lower-value way with women, it kills her attraction for us. The way we portray ourselves begins in our thoughts. Instead of focusing on our insecurities in our thoughts, highlight strengths and accomplishments. Then when we’re talking with women, our positive light will naturally shine through, which increases her attraction for us. As a side note, self-deprecating humor only works when everyone is aware of one’s strengths. It becomes a form of humility, which is attractive. But when we self-deprecate without our strengths to contrast it with, it’s uncomfortable. So, why not meditate on our strengths in our thoughts? That way we grow into men of the highest value, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
10. Fearing What She Thinks of You
Who cares what she might think of us? For that matter, who cares what anyone might think of us? All the great pickup artists seem to have one thing in common: social freedom. It’s so much more attractive to walk through the world without fear, especially without the fear of losing other people’s approval. “Approval” from others is flimsy, “approval” from within is solid. More important than getting the girl is serving a deeper purpose than women, and keeping focus on that purpose to its end with all of our hearts. Women can be sunshine in our lives, beautiful and inspiring, but true freedom comes not from getting her or from clinging to her, but from bringing our light into the world. The byproduct, not the goal, is we become a supremely attractive man to women, a man of particular value.
Align what you think, what you say, and what you do, so they all match. It’s easy to say these words and to intellectually “get” it, but incredibly difficult to actually do it. Yet it’s probably a secret to life.
“The majority of men are subjective towards themselves and objective towards all others–terribly objective sometimes–but the real task is in fact to be objective towards oneself and subjective towards all others.”
– Soren Kierkegaard, Papirer VIII (A165, Alexander Dru, translator, p. 676) as quoted by Howard and Edna Long, translators of Works of Love in “Translator’s Introduction” (New York: HarperTorchbooks, 1962), p. 13.
Soren Kierkegaard, the nineteenth century philosopher from Denmark and grandfather of existentialism.
What does this have to do with success with women?
Integrity attracts. But more important, it’s important for its own sake. Truly practicing this (and it’s HARD) alleviates clouds of suffering, develops clearer thinking, and cultivates compassion for our fellow neighbor.
This simple statement continues to wake me up. I had to share it with you, too.
Remember the part in “The Game” where Mystery said to Style: “You’re going to be a superstar”?
Neil Strauss (a.k.a. Style) and Erik Von Markovik (a.k.a Mystery)
Style was in set and it was going badly. But he hung in there. Afterwards Mystery said this to him. Style asked why, and Mystery said it was because he hung in there.
Hold on hold on hold on. If a set’s going badly shouldn’t you just eject? Otherwise wouldn’t that make you annoying? And isn’t being willing to walk away attractive? That part of the book didn’t totally add up for me.
My first clue came in this email Style (real name: Neil Strauss, journalist for Rolling Stone and New York Times best-selling author) sent last year to his email list.
His new book “Everyone Loves You When You’re Dead” was coming out.
It was about his experiences as a journalist interviewing stars like Motley Crue, Courtney Love, Ludacris, Led Zepplin, Lady Gaga, Prince, Madonna for Rolling Stone.
In the email, he talked about rapport being the key to his success in those interviews. He also said it was a HUGE piece of his success with women. Yet he pointed out that most pickup artists underrate it. Attraction and sex rate highly. Rapport? Not so much.
The night I read that email, I went out and had an experience that drove his point home.
Great-looking blonde was sitting at a bar drinking a Guinness by herself (as it turned out she was waiting for some friends to arrive).
So of course I approached. I decided to go off script and free-wing it. Just go for rapport. Like the email talked about.
First of all, scary as hell. No safety net. And she was looking away like she didn’t want to talk with me.
But I hung in there.
I hung in there to do my favorite routine called “The Rings Routine.” Then I excused myself. She asked me a question to keep me there.
Yes!
My willingness to leave, I think, was a huge factor in her wanting me to stay.
But also, even though she was looking away from me before, like I said, I hung in there. I was so determined to make a connection, I hung in there even though things were going badly.
And holy shit, it turned out to be fun! She started opening up to me, and giving me her full attention. How sweet how sweet how sweet.
Her friends had arrived, so we exchanged contact info.
Afterwards, I wondered if that was the secret to Style hanging in there. Was he so determined to get rapport that he didn’t get discouraged by any dissonance? I’m not sure. But my set was going bad. And I was determined to get rapport. I made it through.
By the way, this doesn’t mean not to pay attention to a woman’s cues.
I mean, hang in there within the first five minutes. If you’re getting dissonance, no worries. Flirt, self-disclose something cool about yourself, ask her a question, and then be willing to leave. If after five minutes the group still clearly wants to be left alone, leave them alone.
And ALWAYS be willing to leave. This makes other people who don’t know you yet feel comfortable. It answers their question, “is this person going to be here forever?” No I’m not. If you’re already leaving, why would she need to give you cues to “leave us alone”?
Even though making rapport my objective helped me barrel through resistance, it just goes to show how HUGELY important attraction is. If anything that’s probably why the blonde was looking away from me.
I was flapping around looking for rapport asking questions. I didn’t make her laugh or give her any interesting conversation bit, like a story or something that discloses myself. Not until I did the Rings Routine. And was about to leave.
Lesson? Attract her BEFORE rapport. It smoothes the way to rapport.
During the attraction phase (which doesn’t last long, few minutes max), be the one who gives free information about yourself first. At the same time make her laugh with some flirting. Flirting is the key to attraction. I go into detail about this in my post “Flirting.”
After you talk, ask about her. Find commonalities. Find “me too” moments. Listen. Let her take the spotlight.
I know rapport isn’t the flashy or glamourous part of game. That’s probably why it’s so underrated in the community. But it’s so important. It’s important for HER to work, too. Many guys think we have to do all the talking. Uh, no. Two way street is good.
Qualification questions, by the way, are a great way to still be a challenge yet shift the conversation into rapport mode. Here are some of my favorites that have worked great:
“Beauty is common. Outside of your good looks, what makes you unique?”
“Are you passionate? What are you passionate about?”
“If you could wake up anywhere in the world, where would it be?” OR “If you could do any art, what would it be?”
Obviously ya don’t need them all. One or two is good enough. But I always feel a delicious shift in the conversation when I ask one of these questions. It shifts the conversation to some depth and substance.
After you’ve made this emotional connection with her, don’t get stuck there. Physically advance and kiss her. I go into A LOT of detail about physically advancing in my post “Kino.”
Otherwise, the danger of rapport is getting stuck in the dreaded “friend zone.”
My point in sharing all this with you was the lesson I learned about hanging in there. I wasn’t ruffled by her dissonance. I didn’t let it discourage me. I went for rapport. And I made it through.
So, if you yourself ever get a little dissonance from a woman in the first few minutes of approaching her, it’s all good. Hang in there. Like water that always yields and flows, accept her resistance, hang in there, and keep moving forward. Keep looking ahead… you WILL make it through.
