praise | Whet Your Woman

We train humans how to treat us. That, of course, includes women.

Have you even been in a situation where your woman treats you like shit? But you give her whatever she wants anyway? I mean, you want her to be happy after all. But alas… the behavior just continues.

I know I have. And it sucks. It takes a toll on your pride… and even your manhood, right?

While I was learning pickup, I learned how to stomp that out of my life. Through the concept of shaping. Here’s the concept.

If you get bad behavior from a woman, don’t “reward” her by letting that bad behavior continue. Stop it. Otherwise, she’ll think it’s okay to treat you in that second class way.

The flip side is true, too. If you get good behavior, however tiny, praise her for it. And I guarantee that behavior will continue.

Simple really.

I think this concept comes from B.F. Skinner’s experiments with both human and animal behavior, if I’m not mistaken. To way oversimplify Skinner’s findings: when good behavior is reinforced with praise, that good behavior continues. When bad behavior is associated with negative reinforcement, it stops.

But the genius of “shaping” goes even a step further.

Praise positive behavior even BEFORE she’s demonstrated it, and you create something like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

For example: “I love a woman who doesn’t flake out.” If she cares about seeing you again, chances are she’ll try not to flake out. Nice, right?

Here’s another example: “I love a woman who works out and takes care of herself. It’s super attractive.” Again, chances are likely she’ll make an effort to work out, ’cause she knows that’s what you like in your women.

Then, let’s say she dresses up for a date and she looks fantastic. “You look amazing! I love that dress on you.” Guess what? Exactly. Chances are likely she’ll want to continue looking fantastic for you.

Like I said, simple. But highly effective.

Unfortunately, there’s the shadow part of all this. You’ve got to be able to draw boundaries too, and that means being firm. It can feel like you’re being an asshole, but counter-intuitively, it can actually be a turn on for women. And you earn her respect. So, if I get bad behavior, I’ve learned to call her on her shit RIGHT AWAY.

For example:

Her: Oh, it’s you. What do you want?

You: Hm, sounds like you’re in a bad mood. Call me when you’re in a better one. (hang up)

If you continue to get that bad behavior, let her know it’s not cool with you.

And if it STILL continues, cut her out. There is absolutely NO reason to stick around and take second class treatment. First, you’re not there to be her savior. That’s a door she has to walk through herself. Second, there’s way too many tastier fish in the sea. Why would you waste you time? I’ll take a pass, thank-you.

Another example:

Let’s say she acts bratty and pouty and just plain bitchy. Not a fun combo, right?

Step away from her ass and do not kiss it! Do you hear me? Step away from her ass.

Act cooler towards her.

Or call her on her shit. “You’re acting like a brat right now.” Don’t reward bad behavior.

Now, here’s an important point to this whole concept. You have to make that reinforcement RIGHT when the behavior occurs. Delayed punishment won’t allow her to make an association. Stop it when she’s mid air in the act. She’ll get the association loud and clear that way.

That’s ultimately why I had gotten all that bad behavior when I did. I let it go on and didn’t draw boundaries when I saw the second class bullshit in the first place.

But I’ve learned my mistake, believe me.

And I wanted to pass on this gem of an insight onto you, too. Let her know what’s acceptable behavior and what’s not through praise and drawing boundaries. This shapes how well she’ll treat you for a long ways into the future. Not a bad return on such simple investment.

This insight was a game changer for me. I learned it during a seminar at my Venusian Arts Coaching Training Program.

The idea is simple. Instead of out right criticizing someone, follow this “formula” instead.

First, praise. Sincerely. That means finding a positive detail about someone and praising it. A generic “yeah, yeah that’s good” won’t cut it. An honest-to-God detail you saw that you truly admired will. What if you can’t find a good detail? You CAN. There’s ALWAYS good to be found.

Second, correct. Now you can point out what it is that could be improved on.

Finally, praise again. Don’t end on a negative note. End on a positive note.

Most people just out right criticize each other, and find fault, instead of considering how it might make that person feel. Outright criticism puts a person on the defensive, feeds arguments, hurts feelings, and just plain breeds negativity.

But if you find the good in a person–genuinely–then gently point out what could be “corrected,” and finally emphasize the good again, it makes it more likely you or me or any one of us will listen to the “correction.” And, maybe best of all, it forces us to see the good (not just the bad) in each other.

Inevitably, we’ll have conflicts with our women. This technique is one great way to dealing with those. Agree or praise, then assert your view. Keep agreeing or praising, and gently asserting. It defuses negativity, allows a person to be “heard,” which in turn allows you to be heard.

In that way, it’s a great way of dealing not with just women, but with conflicts in general.

It’s easy just to tear down. But in the long run, it’s so much simpler to be on a person’s side.