Here are three steps I’ve learned from people smarter than me about how to listen:
1. First, listen without interrupting. Shut out everything else except what a person’s saying.
2. Second, ask for clarification: “how do you mean?”
3. Third, repeat back in your own words.
I can’t tell you how seductive it is to be a great listener. Shows you care. Shows you’re tuned into this woman right here right now.
Incidentally, being a great listener is also the key to being a great lover.
Women love it when men somehow show they’ve been listening. Definitely a turn on.
Exactly! Thank-you for reiterating this from the female perspective.
And you know what? I know it’s a turn on for me when a woman listens to what I have to say. You feel heard. And like she cares.
Hey Renaissan,
I have made a lot of progress over the past year, mostly thanks to you! I am now at a point where I am seeing multiple women at the same time, but it is still very new to me and I am not sure if I am executing correctly or not.
Because I have options, I am of course a lot less needy than I used to be. That has a caveat though: I feel like I am very distant sometimes and always play “hard to get”, which I think could be a turn off to the girls I see. I mean at some point they will say “hey well he’s not giving me anything back in return, I don’t want him THAT bad, next”.
How do I stay not needy / alpha while at the same time keep a healthy connection with the girl alive? I think a lot of it has to do with building comfort which is why I am commenting here. Any tips appreciated!
Hey Leo,
First of all, I appreciate the kind words. I would love to know what helped you along. It makes my day to hear this. Big time.
As for your question, I am so psyched to hear about your success! This is what happens when a you actually implement! And in a consistent way. Out of curiosity, how many women are you seeing right now?
Now to answer your question, let me ask a question. Do each of the women know you’re dating other women?
I’ve made the mistake of not being as upfront as I needed to be when dating multiple women, and it’s a HUGE mistake. Making sure each woman knows you’re dating other people is CRITICAL to making your relationship with each women work. It’s also the ethical thing to do.
If she doesn’t want to date you as a result, that’s her right. But you’d be surprised how women will be cool with this because they respect your honesty. They might be in a dating stage of their lives too…
Next, the other thing I would recommend would be to follow these “rules-of-thumb”:
* Don’t sleep with her more than twice a week.
* Don’t call her more than twice a week.
* Don’t email her more than four times a week.
If you begin seeing her three times a week, you’ll send mixed signals. You might say with words that you’re dating multiple women, but your behavior is saying otherwise. Your actions are saying “I’m getting exclusive with you.” As you know, actions speak louder than words.
If you’re follow these two important rules (honesty and backing it up with behavior), I can now answer the heart of your question: how to avoid being “distant” with the women.
As a side note, I absolutely love this question. Because I think it’s important to treat each woman you’re with as you would want to be treated—with respect.
Here’s the trick: when you’re with a girlfriend, 100% of your attention should be on her. Give her your full, undivided attention. Give her all of you. That can mean being playful, that can mean building an emotional connection, that can mean having awesome sex (all highly recommended, by the way).
As along as each woman knows you’re dating other women, as long as you back this up with your behavior, you don’t have to act like an exclusive boyfriend.
If you’ve laid the foundation of your “polyamory” properly, it frees you to be 100% present with her in an authentic way because both of you know you’re dating other people. In other words, as long as you both have agreed on the arrangement ahead of time, I doubt you’ll feel “inauthentic” anymore.
Again, if one girlfriend decides she doesn’t want to be a part of that agreement anymore, it’s her right to walk away.
This is such a great question, Leo. Again, I can’t tell you how happy I am for your success. This is a “quality” problem, and it can be a painful lesson to learn. I know it was for me. Again, honesty might be the best solution.
I actually wrote an article about how to date multiple women over here: https://whetyourwoman.com/core-essentials-of-success-with-women/how-to-date-multiple-women. Check it out only if you’d like.
Let me know if this helps at all, Leo. And thanks again for the great question.