“Man is most nearly himself when he achieves the seriousness of a child at play.”
~Heraclitus, ancient Greek philosopher
The key to attraction…
Mystery calls it negging, David DeAngelo calls it cocky-funny, and Lance Mason calls it bantering. Whatever the name, they’re different forms of flirting.
It’s literally taken me years to figure this out. And learning this has changed my life.
Most guys try to get a girl by spending lots of money buying her dinner, drinks, flowers, or whatever else. They’ll tell the girl she’s beautiful and be all sweet and nice to her. And guess what? The girl still won’t be attracted to him. And he’s out who knows how much money.
And besides, what’s the difference between that and spending lots of money on a hooker? At least with a hooker, you know you’ll be getting something.
As a general rule to follow, don’t buy her dinner until AFTER you’ve slept with her or she’s your girlfriend. Don’t spend hordes of money before. In fact, don’t spend hordes of money on her period. Keep it simple. On a first date get a cup of tea. She should like you for who you are, not for how much money you spend on her.
Then there’s the other guys who go straight for the sex. It’s skeezy. And it just pisses her off and grosses her out.
For a woman to attract us guys, it seems so easy, so simple, so straightforward. If a girl looks good, we get attracted. If she doesn’t, we’re not attracted.
Women are a whole other story.
Most women don’t rush out to buy Playgirl magazine. Most strip clubs are geared towards the “male gaze” with men paying to watch female dancers. There isn’t a Hooters Restaurant equivalent where women go to gawk at men in bright orange shorts. More women do buy romance novels though…
Women aren’t attracted just to a man’s looks, although that’s important. Women aren’t attracted just to a man being nice to her, although that’s important. Women aren’t attracted just to a man showing off, although he’s got to have his act together.
And why is it women say they want romance but roar off on a motorcycle with a “bad boy”? Why do they say they want a man who makes them laugh, but rarely do you see the hottest women with comedians?
Between what women say they want and what they actually do–it’s paradoxical and contradictory. What the hell do they want? Attracting women seems to be such a mystery.
For the record, I don’t know the mystery of women. I don’t know any guy who does. However, I’ve learned from the seduction community that there’s a middle way between being “sweet” and being the “bad boy.” And that “middle way” can create those “butterflies” in a woman’s stomach.
There’s nothing wrong with being “sweet” and romantic, as well as animalistic and sexual. Those are actually very good things to embody with a woman… but LATER down the line. BEFORE we embody those things, we have to ATTRACT a girl FIRST.
Sexual tension. It’s all about how we make a woman feel when she’s around us. We have to create sexual tension between us and a woman. And one of the best ways to create sexual tension is by flirting with her.
But what is flirting and how do you do it?
Oh my God, you don’t know? I don’t know if we can hang out anymore. *smile.* I’m playing, I’m playing.
But seriously, isn’t it funny how girls seem to know EXACTLY what flirting is, but us guys seem to be COMPLETELY clueless about it? I’ve had to work hard to understand what it is. The whole reason I wrote this post is to better understand it myself.
WHAT IS FLIRTING?
Flirting is simply being playful. But it’s a special kind of playing.
When kids play with each other, they don’t try to accomplish anything.
All they’re interested in is playing games. They take on pretend roles effortlessly and let their imaginations run free. Ultimately their play is meaningless, it’s just to have fun. They’re not out to win or get something or dominate each other. They play just to be in the “zone” together. (credit: Ron Louis and David Copeland, “how to succeed with women”)
Women play together in a certain way.
They might dance, shop, talk about relationships, go to a spa, bond over food and crafts, gossip, cry together, try to be build each other up or be nice to each other, or whatever. I’m not a woman so I’m not exactly sure, but those are my best guesses.
Men play together in a different way.
We compete with each other, play jokes on each other, talk about hot women, push each other around, exaggerate how awesome we are, insult each other, talk shop, and do whacked up things like light our farts on fire.
When men and women play together, they flirt.
It’s not the way men play because you’re not going to fart in a coffee cup, put a lid on it, and give it to her to smell. You’re not going to tell her how fat and disgusting she looks so you can laugh at her or talk about sports with her. You’re not going to get into a spitting contest or punch her arm or push her around. You’re not going to talk about facts, and analyze the mid-east crisis.
Instead, you’re nicer. And more importantly, you throw sex and romance into your play.
Flirting is sexual/romantic playing.
WHY GIRLS KNOW WHAT FLIRTING IS, BUT GUYS DON’T
For a guy, when we want sex, we wouldn’t mind saying “Wanna have sex? Great. Here’s the bathroom.”
That would be direct and factual.
Women, on the other hand, prefer indirect, emotional communication. And flirting is indirect and emotional. Flirting lets her know you’re sexually interested in her PLAYFULLY. You make your sexual desire known in a way that’s not obvious to everyone else. She can laugh your sexual interest off as if it’s not really there, but subconsciously she feels your sexual feeling, and feels it in turn with you. That’s being indirect, emotional, and that’s flirting.
Girls know what flirting is, but guys don’t because girls prefer indirect, emotional communication, where guys prefer direct, factual communication. I know that’s a generalization, but it helps make this point. To heat her up and make our sexual interest known more effectively, we guys need to communicate our interest in a woman in her language. Flirting is that indirect, emotional language.
In a way, flirting is kind of like the way women play together. There’s no talk of gross, disgusting things. No put downs or insults. No violence or anything that might cause physical harm. No self-deprecation—unless it’s obviously not true. It’s gentler, cleaner, sweeter, lighter. Smile. Talk about things that she might like to talk about. Ask her things about herself, describe feelings she’d love to feel as a woman, and say things that build her self-esteem up and make her feel good about herself.
You’re playing the way women do, but in a masculine way. I know it makes no sense. So, let me explain.
HOW TO FLIRT
Okay, so kids take on pretend roles effortlessly and let their imaginations run free, right? When you flirt, it’s the same thing.
What pretend role should you take on?
A dominant one…
…that makes the girl feel cute.
You’re the man, and she’s the girl. I know that may sound obvious but where some guys are too direct with their sexual interest, other guys try to make a girl feel comfortable by being completely neutral and being no sexual threat. But if we’re not neutral sexually yet honest about our sexuality indirectly, this naturally creates what David Deida of “The Way of the Superior Man” called sexual polarity.
Just as a battery needs a positive and negative charge to create energy, a sexually charged interaction needs distinct masculine and feminine sexual roles to create sexual energy. This dominant vs. petite role is the sexual/romantic ingredient that distinguishes flirting from mere play.
AND the story line you act out is you guys don’t get along…there’s tension between the two of you. Conflict. Fight.
See something that’s wrong or bad with her, criticize her about something that’s OBVIOUSLY NOT true. Like if she’s decked out really nice, you could call her a “dirty hippie.” When something is the opposite of reality, and it’s absurd and contradictory… or when you say something that’s the opposite of what’s expected… comedy arises. You can’t help but laugh.
Mix these two ingredients together–gender roles and play fighting–and voila! You create sexual tension.
Usually the role we take on with women is she’s the selector and we’re the selectee.
We want to make sure we’re doing okay in her eyes. “Am I doing okay?” Guys will actually ask a girl this on a first date. Don’t do this.
Instead, when you flirt, flip these roles upside down.
YOU be the selector and SHE can be the selectee. For once, YOU’RE the one who’s not completely sure about her yet, and SHE’S the one who wants YOU.
Hahahaha! I love it love it love it.
This is the best way to deal with her shit tests, too. See everything she does, including her shit tests, as cute. “Oh my God, that’s so cute. You want me so bad. Anyway…” Don’t take what she says literally but imagine it to mean something else having to do with your dominance. Then change the subject.
So, again, what role should you take on?
You can imagine you’re the Ladies’ Man all the girls want…
…and this girl you just met is trying to get with you. “Oh God, if you wanted my number already, all you had to do was ask!” or “Hey, hey, hey. Hands off the merchandise. This shit ain’t for free. That’ll be forty dollars, missy.”
Or pretend to be the Hot Woman…
…so that she’s one of the billions of “guys” trying to pick you up.
“Quit looking at me like that. You’re looking at me like a fat kid looks at a cheeseburger. It’s creeping me out.” Or “Quit looking at my chest! My eyes are up here. God, all you girls think about is one thing.”
Or imagine you’re an Authority Figure…
…like the principal: “That’s it. You’ve just earned yourself detention.” Or the recruiter: “You’re hired. I’m making you my new bodyguard.” Or the teacher: “Let me see you flirt. Wow, now that was terrible. It actually made me go gay there for a second.”
In each of these roles, you’re pretending to be another character. The character you take on is the dominant one and the girl is smaller than you. AND you’re fighting with her, pushing her away. I mean she’s chasing you after all, right? This is just wrong! There’s some sort of conflict or negative thing going on here.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You couldn’t possibly pull this off with a girl you just met because it’s negative. You don’t want to hurt her feelings.
Here are three keys to make the negativity and conflict work.
First, the idea of character and ACTING is key to making flirting work.
It’s not just the words that make it work. It’s that you’re actually ACTING OUT a character. With all the gestures, facial expressions, and voice tone of the character. The comedy comes less from the words and more from the character you portray. That’s what makes it obvious PLAY. It’s not true. It’s make-believe. It’s like you’re on stage and you and the woman are actors pretending to be other people.
By the way, acting out characters TOGETHER is bonus. You and the girl are INTERACTING, doing an activity TOGETHER. She’s not just some passive bystander. You and this hot chick are now in the sandbox again as if the two of you were six again. She’s no longer sitting uncomfortably high up on a pedestal. By doing a meaningless activity WITH HER, you create the same un-self-conscious feeling of being in the “zone” together that the two of you felt as kids.
Second, touch and smile when you flirt.
Touch allows you to get away with anything. Touch is such a warm, intimate thing that when you mix it with words of conflict, on a visceral level the woman knows in reality you’re being warm, not mean. A quick touch on her arm before you say your line can make all the difference in the world.
And same goes with smiling.
Smiling communicates warmth and friendliness, so if you say these lines through laughter or a playful facial expression it tempers the words of conflict with the feeling of play and togetherness.
Third, use the tools of creative misinterpretation and exaggeration to make it clear you’re playing. Creative misinterpretation: “It? You want to do IT? Jeez, at least buy me a drink first. And just to let you know I wore my old briefs tonight to make sure nothing would happen. Just so you know.” The misinterpretation signals you’re playing, not taking what she says literally.
Exaggeration: “You’re asking if I have a girlfriend? (depressed) No. (happy) I have 8 girlfriends! (dismissive) Yeah, it’s no big deal, it’s no big whoop. They all get together and swap recipes so they can learn how to cook my favorite food.” (credit: Brad P)
Stretching the truth sends the message that what you’re saying isn’t literal or factual.
So, do you see what I’m saying now that you’re playing the way women play together but as the man? You’re playing nice, making her feel good feelings yet at the same time you’re creating conflict and playing the dominant role.
Flirting must be done within the first five seconds of your approach. I heard Lance Mason once say, your flirting line must be the SECOND SENTENCE out of your mouth. Snap judgments happen so fast that if you don’t flirt IMMEDIATELY, you’ll be thrown into the category she puts every other chump into that’s approached her. Also, if you try to flirt after you’ve been talking for a bit, it comes off as weird. There’s a certain sequence in the mating dance, and playful pleasantries is one of the first steps. Set that playful tone right from the start.
Flirting is like cooking oil when cooking a dish. You don’t put the ingredients into the pan first, and put the oil in afterwards. You’ll burn out the ingredients. You put the oil in the pan first. The simmering juice is what gels the other ingredients together…
…and prevents them from drying up and burning out. Or it’s like putting the car in first gear to get it moving. You can’t go from a parked car to fifth gear. And you don’t start exercising by sprinting full speed. You’ve got to ignite the engine first, and you’ve got to warm up your body with something light before going intense. Play talk is the bridge from “stranger” to connection.
Also, flirting must not last forever. Otherwise you become the dancing monkey. Playfulness should last no more than a few minutes; then move onto some substance. You could use your pretend world as springboard to share something about yourself and something to ask her about. For instance, if the two of you just pretended you’d run off to Vegas for an Elvis wedding, you could share an impulsive story with her and ask her “What’s the most impulsive thing you’ve ever done?” And later during comfort, you can still always sprinkle more of the playful flirting in.
The first time I followed these guidelines, I had number-closed five girls in a row with one of them turning into an F-close. It blew my mind how well flirting works. It was a game changer and a life changer. But when I’ve neglected to follow these guidelines my interactions would consistently fall flat. Ever since I make sure to flirt right from the start and not make it last forever. Flirting makes it so much easier to get to the comfort/connection phase. It just creates such good, positive energy and the momentum you need to move to where you need to go. You create a sexually charged foundation.
ANOTHER WAY TO FLIRT
Another way to flirt is to be overtly romantic. This works best a little further down the interaction, once she’s gotten a sense of who you are. Again, you still create an imaginary world with her in this way of flirting. The difference is you’re no longer pushing her away, but pulling her towards you.
You can talk about the future together, or your make-believe past together, future dates, create imaginary memories and adventures to have together: “You know what we’re going to do? We’re totally going to the beach together. You’ll dress up in a nun outfit and I’ll dress up in a priest outfit, and we’ll make out in front of everyone. People would be like ‘what the fuck?’ It’ll be a blast.” You can describe great feelings such as romance, attraction, arousal so she can imagine and feel them for herself, or describe idyllic scenarios that she’d love to experience.
You can ask her open-ended questions about herself, like “what’s the story behind that?” so she can talk. Always make her feel cute, pretty, petite, and sexy.
Basically, you’re making her feel like a woman and making her feel romantic feelings—playfully. But you’re no longer playing the role of rejecter. You’re almost playing the role of boyfriend even though you’re not together yet, which makes her feel those boyfriend feelings of togetherness with you.
YOUR GOAL IN FLIRTING
Your goal in flirting is to make her laugh, and make her feel romantic feelings. You’re subtly getting her used to the idea of being sexual/romantic with you. And you want to connect the idea of you with pleasure. We all know a woman responds more to her emotions than her logical mind. So, flirt in order to give her happy emotions. Give her “feeling good.” Flirting creates happiness in her. She’ll in turn associate those good feelings to you, and want to see you.
At the same time, it’s also a great way for you to screen her and see if she’s someone you’d actually like to get to know. If she doesn’t flirt back with you, maybe this isn’t a girl you really want to sleep with. It’s also a great way to distinguish yourself and show her why she should be talking to you more than any other guy there.
1. Gather a list of 10 of your favorite flirting lines. I’ve included some above. Here are some others to get you started:
“You look familiar. Have we had sex?”
“You’re such a brat.”
“I can already tell you and I are NOT going to get along. I might have to put you into my friend zone.”
“Wait a sec, you’re Republican, aren’t you? I’m not sure if I can talk with you anymore.”
“She looks sweet and innocent but something tells me she’s not. Kinda scared actually.”
“Note to self: do not date this girl.”
“That’s it we’re breaking up. You keep the cat and I’ll keep the CDs.”
“Nice nails, are they real? Oh. Well. I guess they still look good.”
2. Pick one or two flirting lines, no more than two.
3. Figure out the character and storyline behind each line.
4. Practice the character behind the line in the mirror with touch. ACT out the character behind the line with the voice imitations, gestures, and facial expressions.
5. When you go out in the field, make sure you touch her first before delivering the line. And make sure the line is the SECOND SENTENCE you say. You can continue with your stack afterwards. But flirting is no longer an option in your stack. It’s a requirement.
6. Practice this line at least five times in the field or until it feels natural.
7. Now, expand on your line and improvise pretending to be the character. For example, if your line is “You’re my new girlfriend. Wait a second. Can you cook?” you can expand it by saying “…because I can’t be eating spaghetti every night. Can you cook anything good? Oh, okay. Well in that case, MAYBE we could get along. *smile*” Or, whatever your imagination might come up with.
8. After you’ve made this line part of you, choose another line to master. But make sure to practice only one or two lines at a time. Go for quality of delivery and for making it your own. Don’t go for quantity. Too many lines cause paralysis.
9. Learn two new banter lines per week and repeat the process. (credit: Lance Mason) Soon, you’ll be pretending to be your own favorite characters, and making up stuff on the fly.
10. Oh, and don’t practice it on just the hot chicks. Practice it on all women. Practice it on the cashier or the coffee shop girl. Hell, practice bantering with your friends and family, with everyone. It’ll make flirting with the hot chicks a natural.
And that’s flirting. It’s playing within the context of sex/romance, whether play-fighting or play-kissing. It’s the key to sparking attraction in a woman you’ve first met, and to keeping that spark of attraction alive in a woman you’ve been with for years. You’re not out to win or dominate or get something from her. It’s just a way to let your imagination run free with her. Ultimately it’s frivolous and meaningless, but it allows you to be in the “zone” together with her, to create your own sexual and romantic world with her. In fact, when you really get down to it, it’s the very step of sex.