A while back I read about this experiment done at SUNY-Stony Brook. It gave me a huge “aha” moment. In fact, it was this insight that had helped my success rate with picking up women jump to a whole other level.
Here’s the experiment. Psychologist Arthur Aron
conducted the series of experiments. He wanted to find out what makes two people fall in love.
A man and a woman were put into a room together. Never met before. For 90 minutes.
Before they went into the room, Aron said to each person that the other person was going to like them. Then he instructed them to share intimate stuff, like embarrassing moments and how they’d feel if they lost a parent.
So, these two strangers are put in this room together and they’re sharing intimate info with each other.
Every so often, a researcher would come in and tell them to say what they liked about each other. They’d do that.
And every so often, a researcher would come in and tell them to gaze into each other’s eyes for about two minutes without talking. They’d do that.
At the end of the experiment, the two strangers left through separate doors. But many confessed to feeling deeply attracted, and close, to the other person. In fact, one of the couples actually even ended up getting married… and invited Aron to their wedding. Haha.
When I first read this, it helped me understand how to pickup women. This is what I took from it.
We need three things to feel those strong feelings of intimacy and love with another person.
FIRST… you need SEXUAL TENSION. I mean, if you don’t have sexual tension, you basically have a friend, right? And in that experiment, the eye gazing thing is so intimate, I can’t see how it wouldn’t some spark sexual tension. Confident body language helps, too. Confidence is sexy.
SECOND, you need MUTUAL SELF-DISCLOSURE. This is huge. When two people share deep, EMOTIONAL, stuff about themselves–not just talking about the weather–you’re no longer strangers. You’re no longer on the superficial level. You can’t help but experience an emotional connection.
Emphasis, by the way, is on MUTUAL. A guy can’t just do all the talking. And she can’t do all the talking either. BOTH people have to mutually self-disclose. And that leads to the third thing…
THIRD, you need to discover that the OTHER PERSON LIKES THEM. Appreciation is huuuuuuge. Do you think we get enough of it? I don’t. I know we humans like to criticize and find fault with each other. You don’t always hear people looking for the good in each other.
Aron actually thought that this was THE major factor that helped two people feel the feelings of falling in love. Discovering that the other person liked them. Isn’t that cool?
In pickup, what that means is DON’T just “DHV” (Demonstrate Higher Value) or do all the talking. Ask about her. Qualify. If you like what you hear, appreciate her. And state your interest. It’s CRUCIAL to attracting a girl.
When I first read this, I was fascinated because it seemed to corroborate the theory behind the Mystery Method.
The Mystery Method also states you need three things to create attraction with a woman on a pickup.
For those of you unfamiliar with the Mystery Method, let me share.
Mystery (often billed the world’s greatest pickup artist)
thought that the courtship process had a beginning, middle, and an end.
FIRST, you gotta ATTRACT a woman, SECOND, you gotta build COMFORT AND TRUST with her, and THIRD, you gotta SEDUCE her. In that order.
Seduce first, and you’re the creepy Player. Start in comfort… “so where are you from? Nice weather we’re having”… and you’re Mr. Nice Guy. Attract first, then you can ask her where she’s from. Build some comfort and trust, then you can seduce her. My post “Top Ten Mistakes Men Make With Women” covers this in detail.
Anyway, Mystery thought that the attract phase (the first phase) also had a beginning, middle, and an end.
Stay with me here…
Here’s the attract phase.
FIRST, OPEN a girl. Spark sexual tension through banter (Mystery calls it “negging”), kino (touch), and confident body language.
SECOND, DHV. That means self-disclose something about yourself. It lets her know what you’re about.
THIRD, QUALIFY. Ask about her. Now she self-discloses. Mutual self-disclosure, baby! After she talks, STATE YOUR INTEREST (if she seems cool). In other words, appreciate her. This lets her feel liked. And genuinely so, because you found something in her self-disclosure that honestly vibed with you. Nice.
Now you’re onto connecting, conversation, and comfort. Very nice.
In other words, in every pickup, you need sexual tension, mutual self-disclosure, and appreciation.
Following these three simple rules completely transformed my pickup into consistent success.
But if you REALLY wanna fall in love… connect physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually with her. If you find a woman you can do this with, you probably won’t have to pickup women anymore. You’ve probably found your match. Haha
The name of the book where I read about this experiment is called
90minuts is not enough to understand a deeper love with your girl friend,unless you can understand some or little love on she’s face
I agree with you on one level: to cultivate a deeper level you need more than ninety minutes. However, you don’t need years and years to cultivate those feelings of “falling in love.” They can sometimes happen in an instant.
I understand quite the advice given….
Can I adapt this into any woman…even one I’ve already met. How do you pursue a hot girl/ woman you rarely see….it’s been more than a month…a friend told me I’d see her again…I am feeling anxious…I have been thinking about her almost everyday…I have read to keep myself from just one into focus, is that a “fact” … I succeed and then shut down….
I caressed the arm of this girl and she said, “you like the way my skin feels…”
She’s distant, yet I think she likes me or testing me… I love women especially when they flaunt their sexiness. My weak spot is keeping the conversation going… Keeping it interesting…How do you have almost the same conversation with different women in different situations?
Keeping the conversation going and keeping it interesting: great question. Let me give you two of my favorite tips.
1. “Multiple-thread”: Avoid starting one topic of conversation and talking about it until it’s exhausted. Instead, throw out three topics of conversation at the start. That way when one topic is exhausted, you’ve got two others to fall back on.
Have three interesting topics of conversation to throw out there ahead of time. Helps a lot.
2. “Listen”: Everyone’s favorite topic of conversation is their selves. And women are excellent conversationalists. So, ask about herself, sit back and listen.
To keep her talking, repeat a sentence back to her, or ask her about something that caught your mind. A big part of listening is honestly being curious and wanting to learn more about her.
Please let me know if any of this helps. And please ask me any other questions. I’d love to answer them and see you have awesome conversations with what sounds to be a lovely woman.